To be a Fallen Angel.

Good afternoon.

It's merely half an hour after twelve, and I'm already feeling bored and dejected. It might have something to do with what happened yesterday, and the day before. Or maybe, it's just me, as it always has been. So before this post I was doing some research. Or more like, reading up on what I actually feel I am to be. A fallen angel. It still baffles me how the term came about or even how I knew about it. And it doesn't matter how often I sit in silence and think back of when I started using the term, I have yet to realize where I poached the term from. Nevertheless, the term has been swept under the rug for the past year or so. As you might know, I've taken to being The Little Girl. I think I am really afraid to grow up. To be like the adults that I can hardly tolerate anymore. Maybe I do have something against authority. I think I do listen better to my peers, as opposed to listening to my seniors. Anyhow, I think I'm reverting back. It seems a few years hasn't really erased the pain, the tears or the scars. A Fallen Angel is an angel that has been exiled or banished from Heaven. Such banishment is a punishment for disobeying or rebelling against God. According to some traditions, fallen angels will roam the earth until Judgment Day, when they will be banished to Hell. Yes, all of that, I copied from Wikipedia. It has definitely been my site for quotes, as of late. Either that, or Dictionary.com. I actually do feel that I've met most of the conditions of what fallen angels actually are. Although I highly doubt I was an angel to begin with. Disobedience. I'm almost likely to have displayed that in my recent interaction with some people in church. Rebelling. I think I might have definitely done that a few years ago, with it came to the Youth Group. I don't know what I'm suppose to feel though. It doesn't really have a section on what Fallen Angels are meant to do. Aside from roaming the earth until Judgment day comes where we'd just be banished to Hell. But what do I really feel now? Anger, for the most part. I mean, surely preaching the bible would at least ensure one in actually practising. Unless of course, that's an assumption that really, shouldn't be made at all. Maybe fallen angels were banished from Heaven, does it mean that they're not to be accepted at all? I don't know, because frankly, I haven't met someone who has needed my acceptance yet. It seems I'm the one whose always in need of acceptance. And I guess, maybe the people who disregard acceptance are those who've always needed acceptance but never received it and have already given up on ever receiving acceptance and hence have started to disregard it. Would I ever turn out to be like that? I wonder, every minute, every day. I received a quote this morning, via the Inspire Me quotes I receive daily. It is my Mother Theresa. I'm sure most of you might know her. So here is the quote, "There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread". And I've been asking myself ever since I read that quote. Is it really appreciating that I want; rather than praise and acknowledgement? But maybe they are actually the same. Praising and acknowledging done by someone in essence is appreciating what that person has done, is it not? No, I don't believe in that. I know. Praising and acknowledging doesn't mean appreciating. It is just a means for other people to know what one person has done. Appreciating what someone has done, doesn't require everyone else in the vicinity to know what that person has done. It's purely an action or a few simple words between one person and another. The only similarity between appreciation and praise and acknowledge is that you aren't suppose to expect it. I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't do a whole lot of other things, but that doesn't stop me doesn't it? Maybe I should just humor myself and round all this up to him being a chauvinistic male pig who doesn't have a heart. At least I can still smile in spite of everything has was not done.

I did digress didn't I? So a fallen angel it is. Good Friday is coming up; which means confession is next Friday. Every confession I've gone for, every sin I've confessed, sometimes I wonder if I do mean it. Especially with regards to my own father, or even the people around me. Yes, I've left behind the past church and it's quarrels. I still can't let go of the scars on my heart, unfortunately. Anyone can recommend a heart mender? I have a heart that needs mending. Although that really isn't the reason I'm dreading confession. It's the thought of seeing everyone gathered at church. There's Ben. And then there's Elvin. I saw him last Friday at Stations of the Cross. Didn't look at him; his girlfriend was there. Don't exactly want to go down the same road of getting accused of a stupid intention that I didn't actually mean. I think it'll be all right though. He's too worried about his girlfriend to actually try and speak to me again. And Ben's too worried about his friendship status to talk to me. It's funny how the situations I put myself in, there's no one but me who can pull me out. It's quite funny really. At least, on the possible bright side is that I'll be seeing Steffi and Gen. Colleen, maybe. Her brothers are still avoiding me; not that the whole youth choir isn't. I highly doubt Jess would be there; I haven't spoken to her in a while. She's probably busy playing Fiesta. It seems everyone is good at something, aside from me. Unless you count screwing yourself over an activity to be proud of being good at. Great, the depression bug strikes again. I really don't think anyone reads this blog anymore. I really am much too depressing for myself. So, I should be off. Maybe the next time I drop by, I'll have happier news to announce. Or maybe by then, it'll already be Easter. I'll let you know what happens this Friday, and maybe on Easter Vigil as well.

If anyone is reading this, thanks for like, dropping by and reading this junk that I'm sprouting out. I should get going. Take care; and God Bless.

Amanda Loves You (: