Random thoughts, really.

Good Morning.

It's actually a late morning, almost afternoon actually. Only another forty minutes. Only another hour and ten minutes before I'm officially released from this place. However I'll be sticking around for a bit, to finish up unfinished work of course. I really need to get started on doing the Statistics for November and December. I really have been procrastinating. Hahas. Or maybe I'm just jealous that JL has more time to play truant than me. Hahas. Either way, I do need to buck up. Because I really need to earn that extra cash. Talking about extra cash, I am looking for a weekend job, that is if any one can recommend one. I really don't mind the hours, if only on the weekend. I'm sure I can fit church somewhere into that schedule. Even if I have to wake up at bloody 8am to go for the mass at CTK. Yes, I've started using abbreviations. Mainly due to the fact that I'm don't want people who are just bored googling some word and then finding my blog. Well, especially googling the name of churches. But still, I'm too lazy to go back and revise the names I've mentioned before. So let's just start from now, and carry on. No point wasting time going back to change everything.

Well, once again I am at a loss of what I am doing here. I haven't really thought about blogging the past few days, especially not when I was working or actually trying to figure out my life. But I guess, when you're bored, you'll just about do anything to keep you from trying to carve out your name on your arm. No, that was a bad joke. But it's not like I haven't thought about it right? Whatever, I'm not making any sense. So, where was I? I'm not sure why I'm here. Although it might have sometime to do with trying to figure out what means the most in me and what are some of the things I'll never let go off. For one, unfortunately or fortunately, would be my faith. I don't know. I mean, I figure that no matter how much I want to be evil. How much I want to convince myself to stop going for masses. To stop taking the bread. To be evil to everyone I know. It just doesn't work out. Sure, I can be cold but that doesn't exactly equal to stone cold evilness does it? So I guess, it is about time I resign to the fact that I'll never go as far as to deny myself my own humanity. Which includes denying my faith. I guess what Max said as right, after having gone through all the years of being drilled about my faith, have I really learnt nothing at all? And sometimes, I do wonder if I'm rubbing off him. Because you know, they say that the more you're forced into the faith, the more you're likely to rebel. But then again, I don't recall anyone saying it aside from that small voice in my head. Hahas. I think it is about time I start talking to him again. I do miss him, especially after our last abrupt conversation. I didn't really mean to push him to the edge. But I thought he would've been able to handle me. After all, he's been handling me for a few months now. Hahas. So yes, decision has been made to talk to Max as soon as I get home and on to my computer. Of course he has to be online first, or maybe I'll just drop him e-mails until he talks to me again. I think I may have perfected the art of being annoying.

Ah, one of my newly favoured songs are playing. Beautiful Girl by Sean Kingston. Although I do think I much prefer the chipmunk version. Hahas. There are some songs that sound much cuter and nicer in the chipmunk version. However, Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie is definitely not one of them. I heard it on YouTube and it was terrible! But then again, my opinion, don't sue me! Well, another of my latest favoured songs would include Tattoo by Jordan Sparks. I do believe she's the latest winner of American Idol, but I'm not entirely sure. And no, it's not my desire to get a tattoo that led me to favouring the song because the words are pretty meaningful. Well, looking at the path I'm going done now, the song is definitely applicable. I mean, have you read the lyrics yet? There are so many ways I could tell you about how I relate to the song. But I guess, for you to actually like the song, you've gotta be able to relate to it first. So, as usual, Tattoo's been playing on my phone every time I'm in the shower and Big Girls Don't Cry on my mp3 to and from work. I would narrow it down to one song but I need to download Tattoo into my computer first before uploading it onto my mp3, which would be quite hard. Not as hard as troublesome, so I'll just live with two songs at the moment. Hahas. I'm sure you're rather fascinated with something I said just now, I would presume. About me getting a tattoo.

Yes, gasp, look shock, faint if you must. But I do, deep down, actually want to get a tattoo. Sure, Tash would have planted the seed but if I hadn't want to, it wouldn't have flourished would it? Although I'm not sure when I'm going to get it. Where. Or even How. I'm still thinking about the Why now and I guess, it's really just to reassure myself that I'm different. From the people around me. No, I know what you're thinking. I'm not trying to be a rebel, although I know I desperately want to. Because I really wonder what it'll be like when I strip myself of this good girl mentality. I mean, will the world really come to a stand still as I have my way? Hahas. I highly doubt so, but it would be interesting to find out, wouldn't it? Hahas. But back to why I want to get the tattoo. I guess, I just do. Tash has said to not get it where you can't hide it and I've thought of two places where stretching of the skin wouldn't be so drastic. One, behind my neck. And the other, on my inner thigh. Hahas. I know, you must be thinking I'm crazy. Don't worry, I'm with you on the thinking I'm crazy part. Yesterday night, I was searching for tattoo parlors in Singapore and the various designs. The fact that it was going to hurt was nagging at edge of my mind, but I didn't really seem to care. I guess, I also want to push the boundaries and see how much pain this body can take. I don't think cutting yourself up really gives you a gauge and besides, why leave scars when you could get something beautiful instead? So, I'm once again at a fork in the road. I want to get it, but the darkness surrounding the path, the pain mainly, makes me think twice. The other path is to stick with fake tattoos. But my last experience with the expired tattoos really left me feeling irked and wanting a real tattoo instead. Hahas. And I'm not going to be drawing on my whole body, that would just be crazy. I mean, I don't want to have to wear a long sleeved shirt all the time just to cover up the tattoos. Well, this conversation has to be postponed unfortunately. I've got someone who needs me to try and convince him he isn't worthless. Sure, maybe he didn't ask for my help but it's not like you don't know me. Hahas. No one else really deserves to feel worthless, well, aside from me. But that's a demon I gotta fight on my own. So, I'll catch you later this evening probably. More talk on my tattoos! Stay tuned! You know you wanna.

Amanda Loves You (:

Jaded.

Good Afternoon.

I, fortunately, or unfortunately have spent the better part of my day reading a story on FictionPress. Truth be told, it was awesome and I don't ever see how I'm going to be able to write like that with all my sappy notions of love. And this unhealthy obsession with love stories and romance, which I still believe, however weak now, still exists in this world today. Well, this is clearly going to push me to start writing my stories and to stop procrastinating and pushing it to later, or even spend the time in bed rather than on the com and dealing with my stories. Or maybe I should just slip back into my one shot modes. I have after all started a few on songs that have left an impression. As for that one story I had longed to write, the details are changing constantly and I don't know if I can actually keep up. So we'll see how it goes, I guess. After all, one can never expect anything to be certain when around me. Because as well as I know, everyone else should know I am indeed, a walking time bomb.

Well, I don't really know why I actually came on here to blog. No, no near emotional events happened recently. I've been mostly left on my own since the birthday. And the contact which I've had, which has been minimal, have gone along smoothly. I remember a sudden outburst just Monday, but it was nothing that wasn't brushed aside. Just like how I always am. Anyway, I don't think I'm in the mood for a rant today. Surprise, surprise. Well, back to the matter at hand. I think I really came here to blog about the story I just read and that it did hit close to home. For one, the fact that I am still pining for a guy that probably is never going to see me. Hahas. The urge to throw him off and lose myself in the actions of others seem really trivial and stupid. Not to mention immature and childish. Besides, I'm not about to ruin my whole life just because I'm not getting enough loving from a guy whose at least a thousand miles away from me. And if you're reading this love, you know I love you. But I don't think I'm strong enough to go on this long without some love from you. And might I remind you, you haven't written.

Second, it was the lead character. The female one anyway. The male ones were enough to make me throw caution to the wind and find myself in someone else's bed. Well, except I can't see myself in someone else's bed. Not unless I love him anyway. So the lead lady. Am I really like her at times? I mean, at least she trusts the two people closest to her. I don't even trust my own mother. Well, not anymore anyway. Sometimes, you just need to harsh them out yourself and bear the consequences. At least she has a best friend, even if he is a guy. No wait, she had two best friends. And she was sleeping with one of them who ultimately, she realized she was in love with and who was also, in love with her. You see, no matter how fucked up or screwed up her life was, how can this ever happen in real life? I mean, seriously. So yes, back to the best friend bit first. I don't really have a best friend who knows me through and through do I? And no, God really can't be considered your best friend because he doesn't really provide the physical aspect of it. I don't really know why though. I mean that I don't have any best friends. For one, I don't think I was a mean child. I highly doubt that I was even close to shy. Hahas. Maybe it was because I never did fit in. I mean, the fat short girl. She never really fits in does she? Or maybe it was cause I had an attitude problem that no one told me about. Or maybe it was because I was riddled with problems that no one really dared to stay long enough to know me. I don't know, and for the life of me, I can't really figure it out. Not when my mind is in a mess now.

When I was part way through the story, it did strike my mind to send an e-mail to Matt, and just let him in. The jealousy. The pain. The tears. Yeah, I thought about it for about at least half an hour. I also thought about telling Steven. Especially the jealously. I guess I figured he deserved a right to know why I defended him against Ryah and then threw it back at him later on. I do sound like a first class bitch don't I? *wince* Anyway, the idea was squashed. Because I continued reading. And up till now, there is not even a letter drafted out to Matt. And Steven, the temptation to talk to him online was squished when I decided to message Matt. Well, another Matt actually. Matt A is the one I wanted to spill my guts to. Matt B is the one I want to love me even after I spill my guts to him. But I don't know. It seems weird that after interacting with Singaporean guys, you're just not used to the reactions and answers of the other guys you meet. So I messaged Matt B. It was out of pure lust, unfortunately. And I don't know. I want to say that even after talking to him, I can still stick with waiting for J to come back. But I don't know. And no, it's not that he probably doesn't like me anymore. But I guess I'm just afraid to lose what I might have with one person and I don't want to risk it for another. Call me selfish or what you wish; but it's just a girl's wish for happiness dammit.

So, I haven't managed to talk to anyone yet after reading that story. And boy was it a good story. Although I did wish I had friends stick by me like that. I mean, I do have friends. The girls, that couple, random people who make me smile. But I guess I wish there was someone that had seen me at my weakest and still loves me for who I am. Why can everyone else have that, but not me? Told you I'm convinced there is something wrong with me. I'm 19 turning 20 and yet, I feel like I'm so much older. I like silence, peace. Sure, I've been to clubs. But I hate dancing, in front of other people anyway. But I'll dance in my room, in the shower. Just not in front of other people; no matter how drunk they are. I don't know, I think I'm weird. What do you think?

I had this really weird thought in church yesterday. And it ran along the lines of something like this. And it sounded like I heard my voice shouting it, except I don't ever remember shouting it before. "Maybe sometimes I want you to care. To care enough to continue pushing even when I've asked you to stop or back off. Sometimes I wish you'd care enough to not let me go until we've thrashed things out." I think it would make for a good dramatic scene in a story wouldn't it? I probably would add it in for my next story; the one I was planning to write about coming out of the bad cards life deals you with and emerging with a smile and a love for life. And then maybe, maybe I'll take my own advice and beat life at it's own game. Maybe. But for now, I'm quite content with sitting here and trying to figure out my life; and what I'm suppose to do with it.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I was left in a room, padded and securely locked, with BenTan or ElvinWee or any other person I've had a problem with. I mean, how far would the thrashing go. And what really, would happen. Screaming? Crying? I've actually vowed to never speak without thinking again. Because how are you going to be an ice queen when you're as quickly flammable as oil? Well, it is decided that I'm probably going to pick my words as carefully as I apply my make up. And I guess, the only warning I can give you now is not to rifle my feathers. Because I guess, it is time for the good girl to step down and for someone else, to take her place.

So, I should be heading out soon. The story writing would have to start during the weekend. Because for one, I think I have actually decided to start school. That is, if any school will accept me. Hahas. So we'll see how it goes. I'll keep you updated, I promise. So this would be me signing off. Oh, as for the story. It's named Jaded. And you can find it on my page at FictionPress. Well, if you know my nickname, good for you. And if you don't, feel free to ask although I can't promise that my stories are good, even though I love them very much. Constructive criticism is very heartily accepted but if you're flaming me just because you don't like the plot, theme or the way I wrote the story, no one asked you to read it (: So, I'm off! Take care and thank you for taking time to drop by. I'll see you soon, hopefully!

Amanda Loves You (:

The post that will never be read.

Good Afternoon.

This post was actually started in the morning, at approximately 11.30am and then lost to the wide space of transmissions and nothingness. I do remember, mostly of what I had written then, and I possibly might repeat them here again. Although the feelings would probably have been different between writing it then, sitting in the van and now, sitting in my own air conditioned room. It is almost 7pm. Another twenty five minutes. I'll probably try to wrap this up quick, and then head over to do my accounts for this month and then it's to bed for me. I've got a long day ahead tomorrow. Chasing people for reports, and whatnot. So, let's start with yesterday. Or this morning, rather.

Eventually, I left the house and went to O Bar. At first, it felt right. It felt the way it did we went out the first couple of times. I was happy, it was all right. Well, that was until I stepped into the club. And I wished I had wore my three inches instead of my converse shoes. I looked like a freaking school kid, not to mention I felt like one at that moment as well. It did kind of get worse, but eventually, we stumbled out and went to eat. I didn't stay out all night because I got a ride home from one of the guys. So I stayed up till 6 when we left for church. And then, that was when things just didn't look any brighter.

This is where I start with what I remember of this afternoon. I was sitting, alone, as usual with my writing pad and the wind blowing my stray hair into my face. And then I had this sudden urge to blog, and so I whipped out my phone and started to blog. But it was unfortunately lost to the nothingness of the Internet. So I shall just try and salvage what I can of my memory.

Sitting there, I suddenly realized that everything had changed. I don't know how, or when, but I knew that from the day before, yesterday, everything had changed. I clearly wasn't the same girl, not with these emotions thrashing wildly inside of me or these thoughts and feelings trying to claw their way to the surface. I guess, for one, I definitely need to deal with these emotions, feelings and thoughts that are springing up from no where. There is only so long I can be anti social. And just sitting there, feeling the cool gentle breeze. I wished things never did take a turn for the worse. That you were there, standing beside me. That stupid smile I've been accustomed to. Us laughing at something you said; because you never fail to make me laugh. Even when I want to cry. And then, I remembered that it can never go back to the way it was before. Because when a decision is made, never mind forced or willing, it has to be kept. My theory is that if I can't keep a promise to myself, how can I ever hope to keep my promises to the people around me? I guess, like I've said before, we can never go back to the way we were. Decisions made, forced and willing, more often than not cannot be undone. How do you undo the decision to leave your best friend in her time of need? How do you undo the decision which let the people you cherished the most down? How do you undo the decision to severe all ties with someone you cared so much for? Maybe these decisions can be over written. With time, with love, and definitely without pride. But I'm a proud girl, aren't I? So where does that leave me now? I don't know exactly. I guess, this is as good a time as any other to say this. Live each day as it comes.

Another surprising thing happened today. A 12 year old comforted me the way I hadn't expected. Understanding, a shoulder to lean against, a listening ear. It did me good, it stopped me from wanting to lie under the blazing sun and cry until I fell asleep. And I don't know, but she asked me this though. Would I tell her if the people I didn't like were there now. Would I really? To a girl, not yet twelve. And somehow, sometimes, I feel she knows things that go on. She hears things that people don't normally hear. But I'll think about that another time. I need to get ready for bed, and as it is, I've already procrastinated sleeping. Well, I do need to sit down and think about these feelings and thoughts I'm having. I'll probably have a mental debate here. You can skip it if you like, because you know, it's personal, myself and I.

So I'm off to bed now. I'll write more another day, maybe next Saturday when I'm sitting alone here in my room, contemplating about life. So, I guess I'll see you next week. Or some time this week if I'm free. Take care of yourself; a whole lot of people have been falling ill it's disheartening. God bless you; even if he may not be exactly pleased with me. So, this is me getting out of here. See ya!

Amanda Loves You (: