Unfortunate Me.

Good Evening.

I just deleted the post that I had started out. Simply because there isn't any possible way to accurately phase the amount of anger bubbling up in me at the moment. You remember reading the stories where the lead actress is trembling with rage, her fists aching to hit something, crude words waiting to be spilled from her lips. Yes, that happened to me about a few minutes ago. I did, unfortunately, let slip a few words that should never be said in front of my mother. And I think, I have chain imprints on my hands from squeezing my bag handles a little too tightly. I do wish I was back there, where all this rage started from. Because trust me, he would have to be rushed to the hospital if I had rethought about what I really wanted to do with him. To hell with the accusations of assault. He's a grown man, I'm only a child barely teetering on the edge of adulthood. But no, unfortunate for the sinister side of me, I didn't inflict any bodily harm upon him or any of his relatives. Mainly, the evil hawk that insists on trying to protect him. I am tempted to go up to her one day, or maybe slip a note to her because I'm sure when she sees me coming towards her, she'll run for the hills. Even if she was wearing six inch heels. It is quite disgusting how you can even think I'd think of seducing your husband when I'd much rather seduce a rock than even be in close proximity with your husband for more than thirty seconds. And I must admit, it is becoming increasingly true how the moment I'm in close proximity with him [note: proximity not contact] I feel like I need to get away from him before I lose my mind and actually venture on my murdering rampage. Even now, I can admit I'm still trembling slightly from the rage. I'm tempted to type to him to let him know what kind of a man I think he is and that he can do the very unoriginal flyers himself. It is indeed the almost adult part of me that is restraining the little girl from stabbing him at least a million times with a blunt knife.

After what happened tonight, I really am not in the mood for anything else. Even chocolate doesn't hold the lure it did for me this afternoon, anymore. Neither does food, or the television. Not even the online games I would be indulging during the weekends. I think I would be heading to bed, and then off for work tomorrow. Maybe I can work out my frustrations. I need to get a stationary bicycle. At least then, I have something at home to let out my frustrations upon. It seems even now, writing doesn't hold much lure for me anymore. I really need to start writing again. But definitely not when I'm in this constant state of depression and fake cheerfulness. Well, maybe I should not celebrate the big two zero this year and just let it slide by me. Maybe then, I'll be able to stay nineteen forever.

Take care, and I hope you weren't disappointed with this short and miserable post. I am, unfortunately, pretty annoyed at myself for not being able to write about anything else that has happened lately. Maybe tomorrow, or another day. May God bless you, I seemingly want to force myself to give up the faith.

Amanda Loves You Always (:

My Very Own Whirlwind of Trouble.

Good Morning.

It has been a long while since I last came here to talk to you. As surprising as it sounds, my life has been thrown into more turmoil. For one, Johnny's back but he's busy now. His mother's sick and he's working to help her pay the bills, do keep her in your prayers. Although, how far that is true, I have absolutely no idea. And don't sprout the nonsense that I should trust him because frankly speaking, I don't know who I should trust anymore. Johnny, Steven, Matt. All my problems seem to stem from men, it's quite mind troubling. Another new revelation is that he has been out of service for 2 months, and I only found out last week. It's amazing he doesn't wonder why the love of his life didn't welcome him back for two whole months. He didn't even send me an e-mail until I sent him one. And no, I doubt he wasn't busy because as he said, I quote, 'been busy for the past 37days, working nonstop'. Ok, not his exact words, but I don't think 37 days is equalled to two months being busy. If you'd like to thrash this out with me, you should know my e-mail or msn or number. I'm contactable at those channels.

Lunch on Sunday went extremely well. Maybe the thought of mixing everyone at my birthday, wouldn't be so bad after all [: The food was good, the conversations were funny and I pretty much had a fun time. It really was a breath of fresh air from what I've been going through lately. I really wouldn't call it stress because I don't feel very much stressed. It's more of a frustration and restlessness. The worst part really is when I have nothing to do, or rather, the mind numbing work that leaves a whole lot of time for my mind to wander. Like now, I am feeling pretty restless. The music on my phone is playing, I've got my work set out before me, I've got more work piling up behind me. And yet, all I really want to do is go home and play a game online. Or read. Or do something equally lazy. Maybe it's because I see people taking time off, going on holiday, going out with friends, doing things they want to be doing. I don't deny that this is what I actally want to be doing. Admin work and earning money so I can help my mother. But if you've been working for a long time, at the same job, I'm sure it is about time to want to change. It is normal, isn't it? I don't really know what's what anymore. Everything is so confusing nowadays. The lines are blurring, and noone's making a stand or saying anything. Everyone's just going with the flow. I just wish it was much easier going against the flow, than going with it. Because at least then, I wouldn't have such a hard time. It takes a lot out of a person to stand up for what they want, and what they believe in. It doesn't take a person any effort to follow the crowd and go with the flow. It really is almost like swimming. It's much harder to swim against the current than to just let it pull you along. Although if you do let it pull you along for too long, you'll forget how to swim and then you may just drown and die. A pretty grim outcome as compared to swimming for all your worth and maybe getting to a safe place. I think I'll just stick to swimming against the current.

Church. AVA. Bulletin. Conflicts. Friendships. Love. Hate. So many things taking place in one little building. It's pretty amazing how the building is still standing and not worn down. My latest adventure. The AVA Team. Well, combined with the Art Team as the Art Team is currently only one person. I had my first trail yesterday. And it seems that I would probably be joining up with the Sunday, 5.30pm evening mass. Yes, I don't go for the Sunday Evening Mass do I? Well, I guess there's no time like the present to start on something new. On the bright side, one reason which I just thought of, is that I would be able to bake my cookies on Saturday or do whatever I wish because there'll be no interruptions. I just need to start leaving my house at around 3.30pm to reach church at 5.00pm to set up the computer and equipment. I really do detest staying so far away from church, it really is an extremely troublesome matter. Another matter is the flyers, which I have not heard any response from yet. I really do not know what I am going to do if he loses them. I might scream at him, I might glare at him, or maybe, I might just turn and stalk off like the spoilt brat I'm suppose to be. But that is a worry for another day. The next thing on my list, is my birthday party.

What do you do when you're pulled in two directions by yourself? You want to do something, and then are yet so sure that when you do it, you'll end up hurt. The matter really isn't that simple. There is also the problem of the expenses. I would probably still be working by the time my birthday rolls around. I just need to ensure that my May's pay isn't spent stupidly and saved up for my birthday. I don't even know if I'll have enough to go on that shopping expenditure I had wanted to give myself on my birthday. Not to mention the increasing responsibility to pay for things around the house. Sometimes, I do wish my grandparents weren't working and instead getting an income from their children. It doesn't matter anymore to me because the only thing they are paying for now, is the utility bill. That's about, two hundred a month? Ok, maybe I'm suppose to be thankful anyway. But yeah, I don't see how my mother is going to be able to cope with the increased responsibility with the same amount of pay she is getting. How am I ever going to be able to concentrate in peace? I really need to find a way out of this mess I call my life.

Ok, I've still got a whole load of unresolved issues. Birthday Invites. Furthering my Education. Serving God. Listening to my Heart. And I've only got twenty four hours in a day. I really should be very busy these few days right? Not to mention work. The reports are piling up and I'm just lagging behind slacking like there is absolutely no tomorrow. Well, I should be getting back to work. I'll come back soon, I hope. With the way my life is looking, I might be pulled into another whirlwind of problems. The only good thing is that I normally come out relatively unharm. As compared to the other occupants of the same whirlwind, I guess. So, this is me going off. Take care of yourself, and keep Johnny's mother and Aunt Veron's Brother in your prayers. They definitely need it more than me. I can strive day to day by jus avoiding anything and everything. Take care, and God bless. Till next time.

Amanda Loves You (: