The whirlwind of life.

Good afternoon.

I should make blogging a daily activity. I should think it might help with easing the stress of life, especially in times when I'm in dire need of a friend. A listening ear. Just someone, anyone. I don't know what's happening, I really don't. Everything's almost happening too fast, or too extremely slow that I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do. The worst part has to be the feelings. They are mostly fleeting, but when they come, the disastrous wake they leave behind, are becoming too much for me to handle on my own, and there isn't anyone else I can turn to for help. No one, at all.

For two nights in a row, I've laid in bed and cried for no apparent reason. Maybe there are reasons, I'm just not bothering to address them. And when sleep came, it was the only opportunity for me to laugh and actually be happy. It's funny how much I rely on my alternate life, alternate universes. I woke up almost on time today, and turned on my side and tried to go back to sleep. It's quite scary how I rather be immersed in my dreams than live my own life. I haven't talked to steven today, simply because he's not online. So many times, I wish I was there instead of here. They're just a phone call away, a short bus ride away, within possible walking distance. I wonder if Matthew will take me in, I'll offer to take care of his daughter and his father. Sometimes, I'll do almost anything to get away from this place. And trust me, it's scary.

The wedding is this Thursday. I can't believe I'm even thinking if I should go or not. I always thought I was more of the 'I'll go because you're my friend, and it doesn't matter who you've invited or who I see at the wedding, I'll be there, simply because I'm your friend' but now, I don't know. It's almost like a choice between my sanity and, friendship. It should be a pretty easy choice since I don't have my sanity anymore, but yes, I'm still thinking about the decision. I have a back up plan. I just, need to pull myself together to excute it. I hope it goes according to plan A, then plan B doesn't need to be excuted but, we can't always have what we want can we? Although I do, sincerely wish, plan B doesn't need to be used. Nevertheless, here's to wishing the Bride and, Groom all the best.

Life's too short to be crying over men all the time. That's true isn't it? I don't think I'm going to ask Matt to come play Fiesta anymore. It's not like I'll ever have the time or be lucky enough to play with him. I might as well spare myself the pain, and the tears. And maybe I should stick to my previous, commitment. My heart's mine, until I'm old enough to know better to give it away. I guess it doesn't matter that among all my friends, I'm the only one that is still single. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be eh? After all, there are a whole lot of other things that require my attention. My stories, My playing, My blog, My studies. Who really has the time to waste on a boy? Not me. And I believe if I say it enough times, it just might come true. I ain't got the time.

Work is a little dull at the moment. Everyone is out for lunch, and I'm not eating, again. I'm not trying to lose weight, well, not using this method anyway. I was sick this morning. The cramps were horrible and I was on the verge of crying, or screaming, or kicking something, or hitting someone, or just doing anything to release the pain. The rasor crossed my mind, but I was at work. A lil hard to cover up the bleeding. Well, my stomach has settled down. The disgusting taste of vomit is still lingering, drinking a lot of water is helping. But I don't trust it, not yet anyway. Hence I'm not eating. It'll be ok, so don't worry. There's almost nothing that can happen to me; someone always ruins the plans. So, there's nothing to worry about here, carry on. I'm going to be doing my report soon, before I need to return to shreding of the Medical Certificates. It's a pretty tiresome job, but it gives me some time to think quietly.

Well, I guess I should get going. There really is nothing else I've got to add. Mummy sent me to work this morning, so no travelling news to report. Aside from the fact that I detest the metal machines that takes away money from me. Why! Why! Why! I don't know, but we still need to pay anyhow. So, I'm going back to listening music and stoning. I'll type back soon. Probably tomorrow, or Friday. Since I wouldn't be going to work on Friday. Need to hurry comlete my UOL application. It'll be pretty stupid if I go for the SIM orientation and I haven't been accepted into UOL yet huh? Ok, the SNMs are back, so I'm gone. Take care, and thank you for coming here!

Amanda Loves You (:

An update, before everything returns to as it was before.

Good Afternoon.

It's been a pretty hectic afternoon. I currently have a headache and I feel like dying. Life isn't worth living anymore. So yes, it has been an extremely long time since I've blogged. 21st April, it's like eons ago. When I had a different life, worrying about different things, thinking about different things, doing different things, thinking about different people, watching different shows, talking about different things. Don't ask me if then was better then now, because I can't go back to the past, so I suppose, the future would, hopefully be better. Because you know, I'll be there soon, hopefully.

I'm still working at the same institution. Doing more or less the same things. Seeing more or less of the same people. I've been working here for almost, ten months and four days. Not counting when my contract started, because that would cut down the figure by about 2 months or so. And very soon, hopefully, I'll be free from here to continue my path in the world. University.

I haven't, as of today, yet submitted my application to UOL. As many would know, the reason is simply because I haven't thought about what to say in my application, under the section of 'Reasons for wanting to study this particular course at University'. My first attempt, was badly written and I am throughly ashamed of it. Hence, the reason why I can't seem to find it anywhere. On paper or somewhere in the corners of my mind. It seems to have vanished into thin air, not that I'm actually complaining. I just need, a starting point, to get myself started. A hundred words shouldn't be an obstacle for a writer, but do I consider myself a writer anymore?

I haven't written in about three months. Adrian, Heidi, Paige, Patty, Catherine, Gregory, they are all waiting and waiting and waiting for something to happen in their lives. I really should start writing again shouldn't I? I haven't even got 20 reviews on Will You Stay? It is a little heartbreaking, but I shouldn't let that stop me, should I? I will start, the next time I'm bored with Fiesta. Or when I need to get away from it all. I'll write, I promise. But that was what I said about my playing, oh so not long ago.

I've started playing the organ. Yes, I smile when I play. Even if the song reminds me of our times in the deserted Church hall. Sitting beside you, leaning against you, the soft melody, the harsh light amidst the darkness. The smiles, the gentle touches. You stopped me from playing, and yet, you were the reason I started playing again. It's amazing what one person can evoke in another. The power of love, or the power of a person? Feelings or thoughts? I should start again tonight. Our song, it'll always be the last song I'll play. Simply because.

Something else I have been occupied with has to be Fiesta. Only two days, and I'm hooked. Nevertheless, I'm sticking by my weekend only rule. University is starting, and I don't intend to screw myself over again. Or let anyone else do it for that matter. Whole load of drama happening, but that is left to the secrecy of my bedroom because they aren't mine to be told. Aside from that, it's almost back to the men in my life again. New additions, guys leaving, and the rest, staying undercover as they have been since forever.

Steven's found his girl. I'm happy for him and yet, I'm still afraid of losing him. Maybe I really am afraid of loneliness. Having no one at the end of the day, no one when you need a shoulder to cry on, no one when you need a ear to rant to, no one to hug you and tell you it's going to be all right when all you feel like doing is crying. But I've got the little voice in my head, not that it has been especially kind to me recently. The dreams are, tiring, to say the least. Anyway, Matt's still MIA as usual. If he's not MIA, he's playing SoF. Yes, I am feeling neglected. I recently started talking to Hamm. I said I missed him, and then he replied me. I think he's been busy with work and God knows what else. Still playing SoF, as faithful as ever. I wish I had a guy as faithful as him to me. Johnny still hasn't replied me, and I've probably given up hope on ever talking to him ever again. Maybe it wasn't meant to be aye? And then, there's the new guy. Steven's already sighing over me, was doing it the entire morning. I think he's secretly glad we're not related. As of now, I haven't told anyone because there's no one to tell. I guess it's just time for me to take the old route or waiting out and see. I might update the situation, but don't get too hopeful. I'm trying not to be too hopeful.

It's funny how both the songs I'm listening to, are similar yet different. 'Melt the snow' by Shane Ward and 'Crushed' by Rosette. I'm not sure if you've heard of either, but if you type in the song name, you should be able to find the lyrics. They are pretty nice lyrics, and a perfect balm for a romantic soul like mine. Talking about romance, I'm currently waiting on Jess for The Notebook CD. I can't say how many times I'm going to watch it, because I really don't know. But I'm sure, it's definitely going to be more than twenty times. And I'm even more certain that I'll cry during every show. It's just that romantic and moving.

Well, I guess this concludes the post. I've decided to go back to how I started this blog. One post everyday, or as often as I can. I can't promise that it'll be irrelevant conversations I had, or stray thoughts that pop up while I'm on my way to work, but I can promise you that it will definitely revolve around me. After all, that was why I created the blog no? Anyway, I don't want to fall back into that depressive cycle, the razors, the tears, the blood. I'll keep the tears, because I love it when it rains. But everything else has got to go. A girl's got to move on with her life, to bigger, and definitely better things. I don't think anyone has found this blog yet, but I'm perfectly content with talking to no one about myself. Takes the stress off trying to not say something wrong and offending someone.

Anyway! I really should be going. Do leave a comment, if you're a frequent reader. I won't be waiting for the comment because it probably will never come, but it's ok! So, I am off. Thanks for dropping by and I hope you had your entertainment for the day! See you soon, hopefully again, before the week ends.

Amanda Loves You! (: