Good Afternoon.
It's been a pretty hectic afternoon. I currently have a headache and I feel like dying. Life isn't worth living anymore. So yes, it has been an extremely long time since I've blogged. 21st April, it's like eons ago. When I had a different life, worrying about different things, thinking about different things, doing different things, thinking about different people, watching different shows, talking about different things. Don't ask me if then was better then now, because I can't go back to the past, so I suppose, the future would, hopefully be better. Because you know, I'll be there soon, hopefully.
I'm still working at the same institution. Doing more or less the same things. Seeing more or less of the same people. I've been working here for almost, ten months and four days. Not counting when my contract started, because that would cut down the figure by about 2 months or so. And very soon, hopefully, I'll be free from here to continue my path in the world. University.
I haven't, as of today, yet submitted my application to UOL. As many would know, the reason is simply because I haven't thought about what to say in my application, under the section of 'Reasons for wanting to study this particular course at University'. My first attempt, was badly written and I am throughly ashamed of it. Hence, the reason why I can't seem to find it anywhere. On paper or somewhere in the corners of my mind. It seems to have vanished into thin air, not that I'm actually complaining. I just need, a starting point, to get myself started. A hundred words shouldn't be an obstacle for a writer, but do I consider myself a writer anymore?
I haven't written in about three months. Adrian, Heidi, Paige, Patty, Catherine, Gregory, they are all waiting and waiting and waiting for something to happen in their lives. I really should start writing again shouldn't I? I haven't even got 20 reviews on Will You Stay? It is a little heartbreaking, but I shouldn't let that stop me, should I? I will start, the next time I'm bored with Fiesta. Or when I need to get away from it all. I'll write, I promise. But that was what I said about my playing, oh so not long ago.
I've started playing the organ. Yes, I smile when I play. Even if the song reminds me of our times in the deserted Church hall. Sitting beside you, leaning against you, the soft melody, the harsh light amidst the darkness. The smiles, the gentle touches. You stopped me from playing, and yet, you were the reason I started playing again. It's amazing what one person can evoke in another. The power of love, or the power of a person? Feelings or thoughts? I should start again tonight. Our song, it'll always be the last song I'll play. Simply because.
Something else I have been occupied with has to be Fiesta. Only two days, and I'm hooked. Nevertheless, I'm sticking by my weekend only rule. University is starting, and I don't intend to screw myself over again. Or let anyone else do it for that matter. Whole load of drama happening, but that is left to the secrecy of my bedroom because they aren't mine to be told. Aside from that, it's almost back to the men in my life again. New additions, guys leaving, and the rest, staying undercover as they have been since forever.
Steven's found his girl. I'm happy for him and yet, I'm still afraid of losing him. Maybe I really am afraid of loneliness. Having no one at the end of the day, no one when you need a shoulder to cry on, no one when you need a ear to rant to, no one to hug you and tell you it's going to be all right when all you feel like doing is crying. But I've got the little voice in my head, not that it has been especially kind to me recently. The dreams are, tiring, to say the least. Anyway, Matt's still MIA as usual. If he's not MIA, he's playing SoF. Yes, I am feeling neglected. I recently started talking to Hamm. I said I missed him, and then he replied me. I think he's been busy with work and God knows what else. Still playing SoF, as faithful as ever. I wish I had a guy as faithful as him to me. Johnny still hasn't replied me, and I've probably given up hope on ever talking to him ever again. Maybe it wasn't meant to be aye? And then, there's the new guy. Steven's already sighing over me, was doing it the entire morning. I think he's secretly glad we're not related. As of now, I haven't told anyone because there's no one to tell. I guess it's just time for me to take the old route or waiting out and see. I might update the situation, but don't get too hopeful. I'm trying not to be too hopeful.
It's funny how both the songs I'm listening to, are similar yet different. 'Melt the snow' by Shane Ward and 'Crushed' by Rosette. I'm not sure if you've heard of either, but if you type in the song name, you should be able to find the lyrics. They are pretty nice lyrics, and a perfect balm for a romantic soul like mine. Talking about romance, I'm currently waiting on Jess for The Notebook CD. I can't say how many times I'm going to watch it, because I really don't know. But I'm sure, it's definitely going to be more than twenty times. And I'm even more certain that I'll cry during every show. It's just that romantic and moving.
Well, I guess this concludes the post. I've decided to go back to how I started this blog. One post everyday, or as often as I can. I can't promise that it'll be irrelevant conversations I had, or stray thoughts that pop up while I'm on my way to work, but I can promise you that it will definitely revolve around me. After all, that was why I created the blog no? Anyway, I don't want to fall back into that depressive cycle, the razors, the tears, the blood. I'll keep the tears, because I love it when it rains. But everything else has got to go. A girl's got to move on with her life, to bigger, and definitely better things. I don't think anyone has found this blog yet, but I'm perfectly content with talking to no one about myself. Takes the stress off trying to not say something wrong and offending someone.
Anyway! I really should be going. Do leave a comment, if you're a frequent reader. I won't be waiting for the comment because it probably will never come, but it's ok! So, I am off. Thanks for dropping by and I hope you had your entertainment for the day! See you soon, hopefully again, before the week ends.
Amanda Loves You! (:
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