An unhealthy obsession.

I have never actually heard anyone say, "you have a healthy obsession with _____!" I think, that may be because no one could have a healthy obsession with something. Simply because the word obsess itself is defined as such, haunt, fill mind of. If something fills your mind so well that nothing else can break through, how else could one continue with life if one can think of nothing else to do? So what exactly is this all about? I think, I have an unhealthy obsession. With whom, or with what, I shan't disclose because really, why do I want to tell you who or what I'm obsessing about when it would not serve any purpose in making the world a better place? Additionally, I'm sure if I did say who or what I'm obsessed with, we can forget about reading a nice post where I attempt to find back my love for writing (albeit nonsensical things) and just delve into the numerous things that upset and frustrated me as a result of my obsession. Hence, I'm not about to tell you what or who I am obsessing over.

I find that I am making more of an attempt to log on here and actually sit down and type. I mustered up all the self control I had last night to actually finish an MA article before I went to bed. I figured I might try doing it again tonight because I need to read the articles he gave us this week. It's pretty pathetic that I need to be faced with the threat of being thrown out of class to actually do my readings. Nevertheless, I am determined to at least try this strategy for the next few weeks until my prelim, and then thereafter as well. Just three months before I can totally lose it, so in order to ensure that I can lose it in peace without a guilty mind, I will attempt to give it my best shot and I hope, that will be enough for me to get past this hurdle!

It's funny that I'm already past my teen years, and yet, I'm getting this urge to rebel. I mean, I certainly didn't try it at the age of 16 until 19 because I was too busy try to hold myself together having been faced with annoying jerks in Junior College. Then I started working, and I certainly couldn't drop the job for my own selfish needs. Though now, it's almost a constant thought in my mind. Whispering when I let my guard down, screaming at me when I find I can't take any more of what is thrown at me. Though part of me still stands there, with her arms crossed and that unforgiving stare that tells me I know I shouldn't do it. And then another part that's curled up in a chair with soft music playing in the background that tells me I probably wouldn't be able to survive being a rebel for more than a week. Though I think my version of rebelling only includes clubbing every weekend, seeing as the other aspects of life seem too important to just turn my back on it at the moment. Ha. I think just with that very sentence alone, shows how much I probably wouldn't be able to stick to my altar ego for more than a week. Maybe as I said in my previous post, it's futile to try and separate myself from who I've become and any attempt will just end in disaster and possibly producing some very disastrous results. Still, it's nice to entertain the thought that maybe I'd pluck up the courage to relive the teenage years that passed me by.

It's quite sad that the writing bug hasn't really, bitten me often enough. Though I think with what my studies requires of me, as well as work and other social obligations, I wouldn't be able to drop them to sit down for hours and write, like I used to. I wonder how my characters would take to me when I finally decide to sit in the same room as them for long enough. Obviously I still wish for that happy ending, but I think, I think maybe I'm a bit cynical to know that not every story ends in a happy ending. I mean, my life experiences (or those that I've had thus far) has demonstrated as such. That people do things that benefit themselves first, without further or much consideration for the feelings of others. That certain circumstances, no matter how strong the bond is between two people, are really unmovable and do not provide any other roads to take. That some decisions, that once have been made, can never ever be taken back regardless of how sincere a person is, or how repentant a person is. And that, good does not always triumph over evil and sometimes, the good can never find its way out of the darkness. Sigh. I think I shall drop this for a while, and go back to writing when I know I have time for my characters. Because, I've been neglecting so many people that I feel like the most horrible person on this planet.

It's almost time for me to leave for church. I'm seriously thinking about bringing an article to read, just before mass and well, maybe when I'm in the car waiting for mummy to bring her things from the car to the taxi? Ha. Who am I kidding, I'd bring it but half the time, I'd be talking either to mummy or listening to music. Sometimes, music in my life seriously crosses a line but I could never bear to tell it to get lost. Anyway, I think I'd just paint my nails before Mass and take the opportunity to let it dry during Mass (just the base coat, I still prefer painting my nails at home where I can not do anything so as to not destroy my nails.) Well, with this goodbye, I promise I'll be back soon! I'm thinking if I should schedule my blogging days because obviously I cannot stick to my one post a day because my life (at the moment) is extremely dull. Well, just know I'll be back soon!