Good morning.
Yes, it is already Thursday morning. I don't really know why I am still awake. I haven't been doing anything for the past two hours but sit here, in front of my computer and game. Hahas. So much for having a life. Today was the day. Well, to cleanse ourselves for Christmas. And I must say, in a way, I do feel better. And yet, the doubts have returned. The nagging thoughts have returned. And maybe if night never did come, no one would ever doubt themselves. What do you think?
I saw some people today, I might have been better off without seeing. But then again, how can you escape them, when you're rather closely tied with their immediate family? Sometimes it does seem like I'm fighting a losing battle. And yet, I would rather continue fighting than to lose myself forever. No formalities exchanged, absolutely none at all. Sure, maybe I have already sinned just by not saying hi. But I don't know, part of me really doesn't care. And the other part? The other part just really doesn't know what to do. And then there was the part where I kept rethinking my decision. I was suppose to be ok, you know. After that crying bout in bed after I wrote that entry in my blog about a month ago. After having avoided you for over a month. After deleting your number from my main phone, although never having the courage to totally wipe your number from my second line. I was suppose to be ok, everything was suppose to be ok. But as you can tell, it really wasn't from my previous entry. And if I do rethink, and decide to break my promise, to myself, one which you have no idea about. What would it mean then? That I'll take your greetings when you decide it's safe to talk to me? That I'll wait patiently by the computer when you say you'll be back, and then seeing you go offline? Contenting myself with a few messages, when it seems you never have anything to say to me? And then facing the rumors, people I trust, throw at me like they don't hurt? Because if you haven't noticed, none of the accusations have been aimed at you. I'm the only one who've been shouldering the accusations. And you still, have the guts to say that you've done nothing to lose me as a friend. There, at the bottom of my heart is love mixed with anger, and tears. But I have though, submitted to the idea that I am the one in the wrong. That if it weren't for me, maybe everything would've been better to a much larger extent. It's amazing how influence can change a person's thinking. Yes, I'm sure you should be able to tell. The dark monster residing in the darkest and deepest part of my heart has been unlocked and is roaming the empty shell that is me, making sure every bit of wall I had built up has been grounded to dust. Let's change the topic shall we?
Manicure and Pedicure appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping for a nice colour, to go with the dress I'll be wearing for the party on Friday. And hopefully the new dress I'm going to be getting for Christmas (: A girl can never have too many clothes! Well, unless of course your cupboard is really too small to hold anymore clothes. Hahas. Well, I'm yawning and I'm tearing. It's pretty bad I think. So it's off to bed now. Maybe I'll blog next week, after Christmas because I would be extremely busy on Christmas day and on Christmas Eve. Until then, take care of yourself.
Amanda Loves You (:
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