Where are you Christmas?

Where are you Christmas?

Why can't I find you

Why have you gone away

Where is the laughter

You used to bring to me?

Why can't I hear the music play?

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Where are you Christmas?

Do you remember

The one you used to know

I'm not the same one

See what the time's done

Is that why you have let me go?

It seem appropriate to start the post with that song, since it was the song that I heard the moment I woke up to shouting in my house. It seems anyone can hardly sleep in this house anymore, because you've got to be awake and alert to catch every piece of drama that unfolds in this house. And mind you, I didn't say home, because this, sometimes doesn't feel like a home. Well, aside from my room that is. My room is currently my home, my only home. The three rooms outside my room, are just places I am required to frequent during various times of the day. Well, I'm sure you didn't come here to read about what I consider as my home and what I don't consider as my home. Great, I'm crying already. Two days before Christmas, and there's screaming. Ok, the tears have stopped. I definitely can't complete this post crying. So yes, I woke up to screaming this morning. And I don't ever understand anything, anything my grandmother says anyway. It's quite hilarious when you think about it, but that is definitely always after the incident when you're thinking back. And wonder, just briefly, why you couldn't have looked in her face and laughed at the plain silliness of her statements. No, I'm not laughing now unfortunately. I'm listening to Faith Hill, with my earphones, turned up to the loudest volume and I can still hear their muffled screams.

I remembered two days ago, when Susanna asked me how I was going to celebrate Christmas. And I said, We don't celebrate Christmas. How idiotic can a girl be to say that when her religion puts so much emphasis on Christmas, the coming of Christ? She obviously, like everyone else, knew how much Christmas meant to Christians so she asked again. And I revised my answer, everyday is Christmas as long as you act like it. You don't need one day to buy presents for a loved one, or tell them how much you love them. Or for the religious amongst us, to thank God for sending his son to us. Just like Mother's Day, I quoted. Then why didn't I believe it? I was having dinner yesterday, and then started tearing when I heard the song 'Santa Clause is coming to town' being sung on the television. I think the show's name was 'Elf' although I'm not very sure. But anyway, they needed to sing and believe in Santa for his sleigh to work, and yeah, I had to think to stop myself from crying and making a crazy fool out of myself. And I don't know, just how much I really am affected by this. I think they've stopped screaming at each other, but knowing my grandmother, the moment someone else steps through that door, the world is perfect with us. And me and my mother, just has to fall into the roll of happy daughter and granddaughter, no matter what we feel or how red our eyes are. Because the moment it's found out how upset we are, the reason for being upset would always be our own fault, just like it has always been.

Two more days to the Birthday cum Christmas party. And no one I invited could make it. I don't know how I am going to survive about an hour or so of family happiness. Because the last time I tried, I think I stayed in my room and cried for days. I think I remember saying in a previous post, that my family now only includes me and my mother. My grandmother and grandfather are still up for consideration. Seeing as how they much prefer to be with someone else in this community of ours. I'm not looking towards this get together. I would much rather have a get together with my JC Classmates which by the way, I will definitely not be attending. I mean, I already have something I don't want to go to so this would kind of be a replacement. I've already fixed that I wouldn't be dressing up or doing much with anything, so I'm going to stick to taking the photos or just work to staying out of them. Just thinking about it now is giving me a headache. Where did Christmas go to? Apparently it died and gone to heaven in my house.

If you realized, only the first part of the song is featured, because the ending is when Christmas is happily announced to be around us always if there's love in your heart. Unfortunately, I hardly have any love in me at this point in time for my extended community. Another day, and then it's Christmas. I can't wait for it to go, really. I guess there really is nothing more to say. And I'm much to emotionally drained to repeat what my grandmother said, although it is pretty funny once you think about it. Cause she says she doesn't take orders or commands, and yet she listens to my oldest aunt like a puppy in need of acceptance. It hurts I guess, the stuff she says. And I really cannot being to imagine why she even had to say any of those things. Especially not just a few days away from Christmas. But I guess, for me, Christmas has truly lost it's meaning.

I guess I should just be going now. There really is nothing much to say. The tears have stopped, and I'm trying to harden my heart. Because if there is even one single ill comment on Christmas Day, I can't promise I won't lose it and start screaming at people. And I would be thankful, enormously thankful that they decided to send me to a mental institution. Because I'll be more able to retain my sanity in a mental institute than to sit at a table with this extended community. So I guess I should be going now. Maybe I'll blog again soon if I'm not taken into custody by the mental institution workers. How am I going to survive this Christmas? I have no idea, absolutely no idea.

Amanda Loves You (: