Jaded.

Good Afternoon.

I, fortunately, or unfortunately have spent the better part of my day reading a story on FictionPress. Truth be told, it was awesome and I don't ever see how I'm going to be able to write like that with all my sappy notions of love. And this unhealthy obsession with love stories and romance, which I still believe, however weak now, still exists in this world today. Well, this is clearly going to push me to start writing my stories and to stop procrastinating and pushing it to later, or even spend the time in bed rather than on the com and dealing with my stories. Or maybe I should just slip back into my one shot modes. I have after all started a few on songs that have left an impression. As for that one story I had longed to write, the details are changing constantly and I don't know if I can actually keep up. So we'll see how it goes, I guess. After all, one can never expect anything to be certain when around me. Because as well as I know, everyone else should know I am indeed, a walking time bomb.

Well, I don't really know why I actually came on here to blog. No, no near emotional events happened recently. I've been mostly left on my own since the birthday. And the contact which I've had, which has been minimal, have gone along smoothly. I remember a sudden outburst just Monday, but it was nothing that wasn't brushed aside. Just like how I always am. Anyway, I don't think I'm in the mood for a rant today. Surprise, surprise. Well, back to the matter at hand. I think I really came here to blog about the story I just read and that it did hit close to home. For one, the fact that I am still pining for a guy that probably is never going to see me. Hahas. The urge to throw him off and lose myself in the actions of others seem really trivial and stupid. Not to mention immature and childish. Besides, I'm not about to ruin my whole life just because I'm not getting enough loving from a guy whose at least a thousand miles away from me. And if you're reading this love, you know I love you. But I don't think I'm strong enough to go on this long without some love from you. And might I remind you, you haven't written.

Second, it was the lead character. The female one anyway. The male ones were enough to make me throw caution to the wind and find myself in someone else's bed. Well, except I can't see myself in someone else's bed. Not unless I love him anyway. So the lead lady. Am I really like her at times? I mean, at least she trusts the two people closest to her. I don't even trust my own mother. Well, not anymore anyway. Sometimes, you just need to harsh them out yourself and bear the consequences. At least she has a best friend, even if he is a guy. No wait, she had two best friends. And she was sleeping with one of them who ultimately, she realized she was in love with and who was also, in love with her. You see, no matter how fucked up or screwed up her life was, how can this ever happen in real life? I mean, seriously. So yes, back to the best friend bit first. I don't really have a best friend who knows me through and through do I? And no, God really can't be considered your best friend because he doesn't really provide the physical aspect of it. I don't really know why though. I mean that I don't have any best friends. For one, I don't think I was a mean child. I highly doubt that I was even close to shy. Hahas. Maybe it was because I never did fit in. I mean, the fat short girl. She never really fits in does she? Or maybe it was cause I had an attitude problem that no one told me about. Or maybe it was because I was riddled with problems that no one really dared to stay long enough to know me. I don't know, and for the life of me, I can't really figure it out. Not when my mind is in a mess now.

When I was part way through the story, it did strike my mind to send an e-mail to Matt, and just let him in. The jealousy. The pain. The tears. Yeah, I thought about it for about at least half an hour. I also thought about telling Steven. Especially the jealously. I guess I figured he deserved a right to know why I defended him against Ryah and then threw it back at him later on. I do sound like a first class bitch don't I? *wince* Anyway, the idea was squashed. Because I continued reading. And up till now, there is not even a letter drafted out to Matt. And Steven, the temptation to talk to him online was squished when I decided to message Matt. Well, another Matt actually. Matt A is the one I wanted to spill my guts to. Matt B is the one I want to love me even after I spill my guts to him. But I don't know. It seems weird that after interacting with Singaporean guys, you're just not used to the reactions and answers of the other guys you meet. So I messaged Matt B. It was out of pure lust, unfortunately. And I don't know. I want to say that even after talking to him, I can still stick with waiting for J to come back. But I don't know. And no, it's not that he probably doesn't like me anymore. But I guess I'm just afraid to lose what I might have with one person and I don't want to risk it for another. Call me selfish or what you wish; but it's just a girl's wish for happiness dammit.

So, I haven't managed to talk to anyone yet after reading that story. And boy was it a good story. Although I did wish I had friends stick by me like that. I mean, I do have friends. The girls, that couple, random people who make me smile. But I guess I wish there was someone that had seen me at my weakest and still loves me for who I am. Why can everyone else have that, but not me? Told you I'm convinced there is something wrong with me. I'm 19 turning 20 and yet, I feel like I'm so much older. I like silence, peace. Sure, I've been to clubs. But I hate dancing, in front of other people anyway. But I'll dance in my room, in the shower. Just not in front of other people; no matter how drunk they are. I don't know, I think I'm weird. What do you think?

I had this really weird thought in church yesterday. And it ran along the lines of something like this. And it sounded like I heard my voice shouting it, except I don't ever remember shouting it before. "Maybe sometimes I want you to care. To care enough to continue pushing even when I've asked you to stop or back off. Sometimes I wish you'd care enough to not let me go until we've thrashed things out." I think it would make for a good dramatic scene in a story wouldn't it? I probably would add it in for my next story; the one I was planning to write about coming out of the bad cards life deals you with and emerging with a smile and a love for life. And then maybe, maybe I'll take my own advice and beat life at it's own game. Maybe. But for now, I'm quite content with sitting here and trying to figure out my life; and what I'm suppose to do with it.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I was left in a room, padded and securely locked, with BenTan or ElvinWee or any other person I've had a problem with. I mean, how far would the thrashing go. And what really, would happen. Screaming? Crying? I've actually vowed to never speak without thinking again. Because how are you going to be an ice queen when you're as quickly flammable as oil? Well, it is decided that I'm probably going to pick my words as carefully as I apply my make up. And I guess, the only warning I can give you now is not to rifle my feathers. Because I guess, it is time for the good girl to step down and for someone else, to take her place.

So, I should be heading out soon. The story writing would have to start during the weekend. Because for one, I think I have actually decided to start school. That is, if any school will accept me. Hahas. So we'll see how it goes. I'll keep you updated, I promise. So this would be me signing off. Oh, as for the story. It's named Jaded. And you can find it on my page at FictionPress. Well, if you know my nickname, good for you. And if you don't, feel free to ask although I can't promise that my stories are good, even though I love them very much. Constructive criticism is very heartily accepted but if you're flaming me just because you don't like the plot, theme or the way I wrote the story, no one asked you to read it (: So, I'm off! Take care and thank you for taking time to drop by. I'll see you soon, hopefully!

Amanda Loves You (: