Good Afternoon.
This post was actually started in the morning, at approximately 11.30am and then lost to the wide space of transmissions and nothingness. I do remember, mostly of what I had written then, and I possibly might repeat them here again. Although the feelings would probably have been different between writing it then, sitting in the van and now, sitting in my own air conditioned room. It is almost 7pm. Another twenty five minutes. I'll probably try to wrap this up quick, and then head over to do my accounts for this month and then it's to bed for me. I've got a long day ahead tomorrow. Chasing people for reports, and whatnot. So, let's start with yesterday. Or this morning, rather.
Eventually, I left the house and went to O Bar. At first, it felt right. It felt the way it did we went out the first couple of times. I was happy, it was all right. Well, that was until I stepped into the club. And I wished I had wore my three inches instead of my converse shoes. I looked like a freaking school kid, not to mention I felt like one at that moment as well. It did kind of get worse, but eventually, we stumbled out and went to eat. I didn't stay out all night because I got a ride home from one of the guys. So I stayed up till 6 when we left for church. And then, that was when things just didn't look any brighter.
This is where I start with what I remember of this afternoon. I was sitting, alone, as usual with my writing pad and the wind blowing my stray hair into my face. And then I had this sudden urge to blog, and so I whipped out my phone and started to blog. But it was unfortunately lost to the nothingness of the Internet. So I shall just try and salvage what I can of my memory.
Sitting there, I suddenly realized that everything had changed. I don't know how, or when, but I knew that from the day before, yesterday, everything had changed. I clearly wasn't the same girl, not with these emotions thrashing wildly inside of me or these thoughts and feelings trying to claw their way to the surface. I guess, for one, I definitely need to deal with these emotions, feelings and thoughts that are springing up from no where. There is only so long I can be anti social. And just sitting there, feeling the cool gentle breeze. I wished things never did take a turn for the worse. That you were there, standing beside me. That stupid smile I've been accustomed to. Us laughing at something you said; because you never fail to make me laugh. Even when I want to cry. And then, I remembered that it can never go back to the way it was before. Because when a decision is made, never mind forced or willing, it has to be kept. My theory is that if I can't keep a promise to myself, how can I ever hope to keep my promises to the people around me? I guess, like I've said before, we can never go back to the way we were. Decisions made, forced and willing, more often than not cannot be undone. How do you undo the decision to leave your best friend in her time of need? How do you undo the decision which let the people you cherished the most down? How do you undo the decision to severe all ties with someone you cared so much for? Maybe these decisions can be over written. With time, with love, and definitely without pride. But I'm a proud girl, aren't I? So where does that leave me now? I don't know exactly. I guess, this is as good a time as any other to say this. Live each day as it comes.
Another surprising thing happened today. A 12 year old comforted me the way I hadn't expected. Understanding, a shoulder to lean against, a listening ear. It did me good, it stopped me from wanting to lie under the blazing sun and cry until I fell asleep. And I don't know, but she asked me this though. Would I tell her if the people I didn't like were there now. Would I really? To a girl, not yet twelve. And somehow, sometimes, I feel she knows things that go on. She hears things that people don't normally hear. But I'll think about that another time. I need to get ready for bed, and as it is, I've already procrastinated sleeping. Well, I do need to sit down and think about these feelings and thoughts I'm having. I'll probably have a mental debate here. You can skip it if you like, because you know, it's personal, myself and I.
So I'm off to bed now. I'll write more another day, maybe next Saturday when I'm sitting alone here in my room, contemplating about life. So, I guess I'll see you next week. Or some time this week if I'm free. Take care of yourself; a whole lot of people have been falling ill it's disheartening. God bless you; even if he may not be exactly pleased with me. So, this is me getting out of here. See ya!
Amanda Loves You (:
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