Acceptance.

Good Morning.

I know I should be in bed and I will be there in a matter of minutes. I just needed to type out this post because. Simply because. It has been a tough day. My body seems to refuse to do anything I wish it would. The dreams wouldn't stop, my mind wouldn't stop working. Even when all the stars have gone to bed. Is it possible for a heart that is already broken to be broken again? Who am I kidding. Of course it is possible. My heart's already been broken more times than I care to count. Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept the fact that my heart has already been broken and would still be broken again in the future? I don't know. Can one really stop one's heart from being broken by another? If I kept my heart in a glass case and stored it away in a forgotten place. Wouldn't I still hurt when the boy who loves me, decides to love someone else because I'm too afraid to give him my heart? If I continued loving as I am, giving my heart away when I feel I'm in love. Wouldn't I still be hurt if he decides I'm not the one for him, and carelessly drops my heart? There is simply no way one can stop one's heart from being broken by another is there? I'm guessing, the only thing that one can do would be to learn how to pick up the pieces and be very good at puzzles. At least with a skill in doing puzzles, one might be able to piece back one's heart to it's almost perfect shape. I want you to keep my heart. I want you to keep my heart so that I would never fall in love with another man. I want you to keep my heart so that another could never hurt me. A whole night, I spent thinking up the ways I'll ask you. In one second, your words sliced up my heart, even before it was placed into your hands. You'll never take my heart, I know that now. It doesn't matter if you want to protect me because, can you protect me from yourself? I don't even know how to protect myself from you. I apologize, if I ever seem too cold or too aloof around you. I'm trying not to hurt you, I'm desperately trying not to hurt myself. I don't want to give my heart to someone else. I gave up once, one a boy I thought I could forget. I miss him and I miss what could have been. I don't want to give up. The future holds endless possibilities for us, doesn't it? Although you may never forget her, or love me, my heart, right now, is yours for the keeping. I'll be selfish, and take what I can now. So that on nights when I desperately need to feel you with me, I'll remember them and be able to smile. Let me have the memories, you can have my heart.

Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept that the one who has a place in your heart is her while I am merely a distraction until you're strong enough to face her? Wouldn't I be making a fool out of myself by letting myself be used? I could put an end to it. To stop being there when you need a shoulder. To stop being there when you need a time out from her. It would hurt me, definitely, without a doubt. Because, I would never talk to you again. If you're not dealing with her, or trying to get her back, you're in school. If you're not in school, you're online and possibly talking to me. Never talking to you again would hurt me, definitely, without a doubt. I'll miss you, terribly. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Unfortunately in my case, it's true to the very last stroke. How about I just let it carry on? I'll still hurt, without a doubt. One way or another, you'll point out how I'm just a distraction until you're ready to face her away. Your words, they'll cut like a hot knife through butter. Your words, the knife. My heart, the butter. In the end, I'll still hurt. Wouldn't I? It seems, I can never win against you. Do you miss me only because I missed you first? I cannot say what you replied me with didn't hurt. Let's not talk about her, I miss you. How can you say things like this? You think she's playing with you, I think you're playing with my heart. What can I really do about it? Either way, my heart's bound to be sliced up from all sides and I don't see anything that I can do to prevent it, unfortunately. I've thought about it, so many times, to tell you to stop talking about her. Then I wonder, what else are we going to talk about? There used to be teasing, flirting, laughter, jokes between us. Now it feels awkward because you know how I feel. You don't act like it, sometimes we fall back to how we were before and it feels so right. Then you say something to mess it up, and I turn my face so you wouldn't see the tears. How do I stop you from being you, when I love you for the way you are?

Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept that nothing I do will ever be good enough and that I should just give up? Time and time again. I do my best, I keep trying. Hopefully all my efforts would pay off in the end. Yet, you're still as stubborn as the first day I met you. Should I just accept that you're never going to give me a chance? I could, you know. Give up, let go, walk away. Then I would never forgive myself for not giving my all until I have nothing left to do something better for the people. I would, might, let down some people who have placed their faith in me. Most of all, I would've let myself down. I always thought that I would be able to weather any storm, simply because I am me. Walking away like this, wouldn't be me because I would never choose to walk away. I'm determined to never choose to walk away. I could continue fighting against you. Every week, every month, every year. Until you relent. Even the hardest rock will be weathered by water over time. But how much longer can I go on before I finally lose it? My control over sanity. My control over myself. My control over my emotions. As it is, I'm teetering on the edge of insanity just interacting with you. I don't know how much longer of your indifference I can take. I don't know how much longer I can fight you without losing my sanity. I keep thinking, I keep questioning, I keep wondering. I don't know who to ask for guidance. I'm so clouded by anger at you that praying doesn't help anymore. I'm so afraid that if I ask someone for guidance, I might end up screaming at that person for no reason. I'm already so unstable as it is. I've let up, somewhat, on thinking about ways to get you to let me do the slides. But how can I ignore the horrible slides you're commissioning? How can I just sit back and watch you do things the wrong way? I don't know, but it seems I have to. You're not going to listen to me, you're not going to listen to your peers, you're not going to listen to anyone but that small insignificant voice in your head that tells you you're above the rest. Maybe I should accept it and let it go. It's just, I'm not doing this without regret. I want to be able to do things in my life, without regret. I've regretted so many things before, I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting. But what do I do now? I don't want to lose my sanity, I don't want to give up.

Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept that I've already given up on us and should have no concern over what is going on in your life? Yes, I know I was the one who gave up on us. You were the one who let me down first. It seems so trivial now but, I knew, I would've given in to you if you had only fought for me. I would've thrown away my pride, my will, my decision, if you had only fought for me. All you had to do was ask me to stay, and I would have. All you had to do was ask me not to leave, and I would have. All you had to do was ask me to be your friend, and I would have. But the blame's not on you, it's on me. I walked away. Although the funny thing is, I'm not sure if I regret it. If I had stayed, I would still be waiting in the dark for you. Now that I've left, I only constantly wonder how you are. Or maybe, the thoughts only came back to me when you returned a month ago. I admit, I haven't thought that much about you when I didn't see you. I don't really know what I feel anymore, towards you, that is. I forfeited the right to care about you when I walked away. Why is it so hard for me to look at you now? Why is it so hard for you to look at me now? I wanted to look at you, to drink in the sight of you. I didn't do it, simply because I cannot allow myself to get drunk on fantasies again. I lost myself once, I can't afford to lose myself again. I think I should accept that we can never be anything more than strangers. Not in this lifetime anyway. Maybe in another life time, maybe in another dimension. I don't see a future for us, in this lifetime. Not even as friends. I hope that if we do meet again, in another life time. I'll be good enough for you, and that you wouldn't disappoint me again.

Right now, I'm lacking sleep. I will immediately hop into bed so, no long goodbyes tonight. Thank you for reading, I'll try to cheer up and give you a happier post the next time I decide to blog. Take care, and God bless.

Amanda Loves You Lots [: