Those special moments in our lives we forget so easily.

Every year, I think as I sit in church during the Good Friday service, the same conversation I have with myself replays itself. I always think, it's another year. It's another 365 days. Everyone has changed and yet, everything still feels the same. Like we do not feel the time passing. Sure, everyone may wear something different. Everyone might have a new hair style. Some people might have put on weight, some might have lost theirs. And yet, it feels like it's still exactly the same, yet different.

I didn't have any hopes this year. I think, after a while, of being let down by the people who you thought you could trust, just makes a girl lose hope. I think, even when I was younger, I had always had this secret dream to be part of a small community. Where everyone knew everyone else. Where we'd all go for Sunday service together and later, the children would hang out with the adults sat around and gossiped or had tea (or breakfast). I mean, I've given my characters the taste of the small town life. Friends you've known from birth. Best friends who has been with you through the years. People who you know, on some instinctive level, you can trust. Although yes, there would always be that odd ball. Or someone who didn't fit in. I suppose, I didn't factor into my dream that I would be that individual. There might have been things I would have done differently. Like for example, not think that any child below the age of 14 could possibly know what it means to love someone. Or maybe for moving on from being scorned and realize sooner that maybe, it was only the secret voices that made me doubt myself and that all along, I didn't need to prove myself to you or to anyone else. And there are definitely things I wouldn't do any different because it was through my actions that I've found out for myself, who I can trust and who I can count on to have my back if the need ever arises. Though sometimes, I do admit that I may do things that stem from the need to be wanted, to be included, to belong. And sometimes, I do these things because I want to. Because I feel that very so often, we don't appreciate the people around us enough. We don't take time out to just smile or say hello. Or to tell them that what they are doing, is being appreciated. Or even that someone has thought about them today. There have been times when I feel like I should be doing more, giving more and then, I realize that if these people only look to me when I've got something of a benefit for them, are they really worth making that effort on my part to tell them that someone has thought of them (or is thinking of them)? Yes, I'm a catholic and yes, I will be kind to them, I will be nice to them, I will greet them or smile at them without malice or looking for the next opportunity to shame them. But given the fact that the efforts I've made require some form of monetary contribution that I'm currently working my ass off to fund, I think I'd stick to showing the people whom I think are worth the effort I am making to make feel like they are appreciated, or thought of.

It's only 11 days until my first paper and yet, I don't think I'm ready for it. Yes, I've been delaying my revision because I really detest all this pressure. I've never, or at least I don't remember, ever being this nervous, worried, afraid of what is to come. I think this is the first year I'm so deathly afraid that when I flip over the paper, I would have no clue how to answer ANY of the questions. Yes, I can tell that I'm starting down that panic mode road and I'm trying to steer myself off it. Because the longer I remain on this path, the less time I'd have to study. With that being said, I think I should hop into bed now and hope I wake up early tomorrow to shower and go to work. After which, I will come home and study. Until the next time. All my love.