People don't really change

I don't think I've changed much at all. When I get to the end of the rope, all I want to do is let go rather than hold on and wait for help. Because maybe I know help isn't coming, life isn't a fairy tale.

I once read in a book, indifference is a worse way to hurt someone than hate. Because even with hate, you still feel something. But when you are indifferent, there is just no feeling. 

So many days I wish I had the means to run away. Just leave it all behind. Most days the easiest thought is death because there is no turning back after that. There's no changing your mind and deciding you can live with your current circumstances. 

No escaping reality

I started on a post on Monday, while I was in Phuket, enjoying the sea breeze and sun. Then I got distracted and never finished it. Now, I'm back home and all the carefree & happiness I felt while on the beach has disappeared in the blink of an eye.

You can't escape reality. You can try and run from it. Take a 1 hour flight to another country. Tell yourself that everything is okay and life's too short to be upset at stupid shit. Spend your days without a schedule and enjoy every moment. But the minute you slow down, reality catches up to you and dumps a pail of ice cold water over you. 

Some times I really wish something bad would happen to me. Just so I don't have to continue to deal with the stupid things happening around me. 

Healing from a sun burn sucks. But at least when the skin starts peeling, you know you're almost out of the tunnel. 

I'm just going to go. I don't really know why I thought writing about it would help. All I've done is just make myself cry even further with feelings of frustration and anger. Maybe I need another form of therapy. 

Being woken up at 430am

I stopped writing again. It takes so much effort to be angry all the time and I just can't stop being upset at numerous things my grandparents insist on doing and it keeps messing me up. It's easier when mum's not at home and I simply ignore them. I'm perfectly okay to do chores around the house or even preparing their medicine every night. It's only when we need to interact with them or actually deal with them that pushes me to the edge. And most of the time, I'm not even at the edge. I'm over the edge, trying desperately to cling on to my sanity so I don't do anything stupid.

The virus situation has been getting worse. And the worst part is, my grandfather obviously doesn't give a fuck about not going out (and don't even fucking talk about being hygenic if he can walk around with actual shit in his pants) and I'm so torn about how to actually be fucking socially responsible because will anyone except the excuse that I need to work from home because I don't know where the fuck my grandfather goes out when he goes out every day? Obviously this is because after the debacle of having my grand aunt call and say "don't stop your daddy from going out" and to that, I say "yeah, don't be an idiot because if he gets the fucking virus, the only people who suffer is my grandparents and mum and me plus potentially all the people mum sees while working and I also hold a 9 to 5 job where I work with other people, thank you very much. Because you idiots don't even see him on a weekly basis" (that's obviously a very censored version because fuck, why can't I actually be rude to them in person. How happy would I be if I offended their sensibilities and they refuse to talk to me for the rest of their lives.)

Unfortunately the only thing is we can wait for the situation to escalate when I can be home every day and basically become a jail warden and stop my grandfather from going out. 

And we should probably be going for classes on how to deal with fucking dementia patients because both my grandparents are somewhere on the road accordingly to actual doctors who have seen them. So fuck you to my relatives who insist it is simply just them getting old because obviously we who live with them for 15 over years don't know them better than you who see them on a weekly / twice weekly basis. But really, the only thing I need to learn is how not to be angry at my grandparents for the stupid shit they do everyday because they are old and obviously no longer understand the concept of how to be a decent human being. 

It's 538am in the morning. I'm going to be super early for work and probably sleepy by about 3ish. And I can't even complain cause mum's got it worse and she drives a taxi for a living. At least if I fall asleep in the job, no one (myself included) is going to die. Sigh, all I can really do now is pray that my mum is kept safe because, my salary can barely manage to feed a household of 4 and obviously my grandparents do not have 4 other children to help with the burden of caring for them.

Stay safe & be socially responsible. 

Big girls don't cry

I don't think I resent any other time of year like I do this time of the year.

Am I tired? Of course I'm fucking tired. You try taking care of your parents for a whole year while getting shit from your relatives, and tell me you're not tired. I'm tired of the stupid 'thank you' s, stupid advice of not to be worried, of you telling me that they are old.

Some times, it's days like this I wish I had the power to just disappear. Say my goodbyes, and leave this all behind. Travel the world and never look back. Then when you have to step up to fill the void I've left behind, then you'll know exactly how I feel. But until then, please keep your comments and thoughts to yourself because just hearing your voice is pissing me off. 

A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved

A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved

I wish the saying went, a sorrow shared is a sorrow disappeared. Sorrows aren't what I want to share these days because I don't feel very sorrowful. More frustration and blinding anger. You know when you get so mad, you feel your face turning hot, you start feeling light headed and this urge to scream as loud as you can threatens to overcome your senses.

Everyday, I toggle between feeling sorry for my granddad and feeling anger towards him. It is sad that he is going through this and also that he's losing his memory because I'm sure it's not easy living in a world where you feel lost and in pain and don't understand why. But the way he acts, and the things he does just make you so angry, all you want to do is lash out and hit something. The human response to someone who is ungrateful is to say fuck you and leave it alone. But we're not called to be human, but to be more like Christ. 

It is becoming a routine, sitting here in the dark and crying it all out.

It is less than 24 hours before I have to face my extended family and pretend that I'm okay. That I'm not fucking pissed off that 3 out of 5 uncles and aunties I have, haven't really done jack shit but talk. Coming to see him for 4 to 5 hours a week out of a fucking 7 day week is not help. Preparing their medicine everyday, washing their toilet everyday, doing their laundry everyday, buying the miscellaneous items around the house they use. Apparently money appears magically and I've recently discovered that I'm a witch.

Never underestimate the power of a good cry. It is extremely detoxing and no one gets hurt in the process. 

I'm now going to shower and wash everything away. Then I'm going to pack the red packets I need for this year. Then I will help mummy pack the red packets she needs. Then I'm going to plan my first set of Chinese New Year nails. Then I'm going to administer my granddad's night medicine. And finally, I'm going to binge watch you and not think about what tomorrow is going to bring.

Because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be roped into cleaning the house (only because I feel like I should pull my weight and not make mum so all the work on top of taking care of my grandparents) that my grandma is determined to make dirty by cooking the reunion dinner which she doesn't have the energy to cook. 

I'm so grateful for my own room because at least i have a sanctuary in this hell hole that is my home.

Do you go to hell only when you die?

Because I'm pretty sure there are situations on earth right now that feel like hell.

Personally, it feels like I've died some time in the night and this is my personal hell. 

Waiting in queue

The worst part about being sick, isn't that you're sick. It's the fact that life goes on and you still have to deal with your responsibilities.

So I've been coughing out my lungs for the past 2 days and I've found my patience in dealing with my grandparents nonsense has dropped to below zero. I'm now back at the doctor, waiting in queue to see the doctor. I think there is quite a long line since it is flu season.

In line with coughing out my lungs, I've just been in a terrible head space. I think the fastest way to get out of it would be to get better, which may take a couple of days. I think going back to work will help, when I don't see my grandparents for extended periods of time. But going back to work will only happen when I'm better because I don't want to inflict this terrible cough on anyone in the office. 

All I want to do now is sleep. But when I do, I get these weird dreams and wake up with a throbbing head. Coughing doesn't help the throbbing head, it feels like my head may explode when I cough violently. 

I think I'm not really firing on all cylinders so I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. Hope you have a better week than mine has been so far. 

I said I wouldn't, and then I did.

Borderline fever, sore throat and a blocked nose.

I don't actually have the mood to do my nails this week. Maybe I'll trim them short and do one coat. When I'm feeling better then I'll do a more elaborate nail art set.

It takes so much energy to be positive when everything starts going to shit. When my grandparents taught me to think before I speak, obviously they didn't bother learning that lesson. 

Dammit, we need a break from this life. Cleaning all the time, doctor appointments, medication, etc. And to think, my mum has 4 other siblings. I'm not sure if I'm thankful I only have 1 parent or that I'm the only child. 

I'm going to bed cause this cough medicine is very powerful. At least I found something else that can make me sleep, even if it doesn't chase away the nightmares. 

Be kind to everyone you meet, they could be going through some tough situations. 

Why are there 2 sides to a coin?

Wow, 2 posts in 1 day.

Work is not as tough as taking care of your grandparents. 

I'm so angry and I don't know how to let this anger go. No one stopped to consider how it would feel to be in pain and uncomfortable and not understand why you feel that way. All they thought was, he is still healthy and so we must do all we can to keep him alive and to be a good daughter / son. But who is here when he is in pain. Who is here when he is uncomfortable and he lashes out in anger. It is easy to say, take it with a pinch of salt, in one ear and out the other. But it is so difficult to be there when he lashes out in anger. When you get scolded for giving him his medicine. But I have it easier than my mum. How does it feel like to get scolded even when you're busting your ass to wash their clothes everyday, wash their toilet everyday.

And yet, when you see him in pain and not understanding why, it breaks your heart. 

Blessings by Laura Story 

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

Maybe it is time for that shower. 

Perception of Time

So I didn't end up writing anything down yesterday. Simply because I was so tired after work, and after we came home from IKEA getting candles, it was way too late and time for me to get to bed after showering.

Also, I cannot believe that it has only been 2 days. It really feels like a lifetime when dealing with my grandparents. Plus I think I am in desperate need of help to release the tension caused by dealing with my grandparents. It's just, I can feel my blood pressure going up and not dealing with them is just not possible. I mean, I could try but then my mum might actually go crazy.

And I'm desperately trying not to fall sick. So please try not to sneeze or cough in my direction. Just hearing the men in my office sneezing and coughing without covering their face is enough to make my hairs stand on end. Also why I've taken to showering every evening when I come home, because all the germs I'm bringing to bed with me cannot be good. Thankfully I can tell when I'm falling sick - feeling cold, glassy eyed. So far I've got one of those symptoms so I'm trying to nip it in the bud before it gets worse. 

I don't think I'm going to blog every day. I don't really need the extra pressure between work & dealing with my grandparents. I need to try and maintain the two worlds separately, where tension from one world does not bleed into the other world. 

Can you believe it, it is only 930am and I'm falling asleep typing this. Coffee still makes me sleepy so that's not an option. And I couldn't possibly go to work reeking of alcohol! I think I probably have to start getting proper sleep.

Okay, I think I'm going to catch a few winks in the car on the way to work. Hopefully I'll feel rested by the time I reach the office!

Have a good day & weekend. I'm personally excited for the weekend to be changing my nails. Even though I have to cut them short because 2 fingers has chipped. But I'll still have beautiful nails! 

The first day of the rest of my life.

Wow, my last post said I wished I didn't take so long to write my next post and here I am, only 4 years later on the 1st of January 2020. So much has changed since 2016 and yet nothing has changed. I'm still working the same job I was in 2016, except there's a new name on the door and new team members. I'm still living at the same place I was in 2016, except my grandparents are getting on in age. I'm still doing my nails every weekend, except with slightly more skill (I hope).

The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. Not because of the Christmas celebrations or the Year End celebrations but because my granddad was diagnosed with Lymphoma in early December. Thankfully, the doctors said that it is a milder case and had only prescribed 6 doses of chemotherapy. He's already done with one dosage just after Christmas and came home just before the New Year, now it's all about keeping him healthy until the next dosage which should be in 3 weeks time. Honestly, I'm thankful that it is a milder case and so far, most of the family (namely his children) have come forward to help. However, this experience has shown me that a majority of my aunts and uncles, have no idea what it takes to take care of their aging parents.

I don't have much experience with older people aside from what I've watched on the television and my own grandparents. Sure, I've met a ton of older people in church but I know better - people aren't always like how they seem in public. I think it is quite similar to having a child, where parents are the ones who know the child best because they see the child both when they are at home and when they are in public. Of course, the advantage parents have is that they have the power to shape how their child behaves in public or at home. While when it is your aged grandparents, you don't have a choice but to live with it and take the necessary steps to not go insane.

Having said that, a geriatric doctor has confirmed that he is 80% certain my grandad has the beginnings of dementia. At least with this diagnosis, my blood pressure does not rise when my relatives insist that his forgetfulness is because of old age and nothing more terrible than that. My grand aunt says there is a patch that could help with his dementia unfortunately there is no medicine that can help curb his other attitude issues of being grumpy and impatient. Another benefit with this diagnosis is we can take steps to ensure what happened in March last year does not happen again. Where my granddad went to the atm to withdraw money, but forgot, and said someone had stolen his atm card and was stealing money from his account. Naturally we made a police report and the police had video evidence that it was him at the atm and not someone else. Why nothing had been diagnosed before now was because he refused to allow us to follow him to see the doctor and insisted on always going on his own. The only reason the hospital had a geriatric doctor see him was because they realized he stopped making sense the longer you talked to him. So I guess it was a blessing in disguise. 

I'm not entirely certain what I had planned for 2020 because all I saw, upon the diagnosis, was a long road to recovery plus having to explain daily what is happening to my granddad to him and seeing that he does not understand what we are telling him. And while I can barely muster the enthusiasm for a new year, all I can think of is, this is the first day of the rest of my life and how I'm going to survive it. Because I'm fairly certain I will survive it, it just depends on what mental state I'll be in afterwards. 

I think finding this part of myself is going to help tremendously. I've found I explain myself better through the written word than I do verbally. Also, I think I need somewhere to vent. It does not matter if no one ever reads this, but I feel a bit comforted with the knowledge that I've unburdened myself without requiring someone else to carry my burden for me. Not for the first time, I find myself rather excited to go back to work. Because if I'm being really honest with myself, I'm not sure how many more days I can endure my grandparents antics without having a serious breakdown. 

Until next time, please be kind to every person you meet because you never know what they could be going through right now.

Love, me