Big Girls Don't Cry.

Good Evening.

It's been only two days since my last entry. I must say that it hasn't been so bad since then. Although now I am seriously panicking if my money's going to come in on time to pay the bills. Hahas. But I guess, the worst that can happen is that they don't allow my mother to buy her car park coupon and then cut my phone line. On the bright side, I wouldn't be contactable when I finally decide to run away from home. Hahas. But I guess, we'll just have to wait and see on Thursday if my money comes in on time to pay the bills. I really hope it does, because I am truly on the edge of breaking down. And I'm not just talking about tears.

One surprisingly new status is BenTan talking to me on Thursday night. So it's settled between us. Although I don't think he understood what I meant when I said it ends here. Because when we launched into the debate on me ever coming into contact with a certain ElvinWee, he talked like I was still his older sister, the girl he knew from long ago. But I'm sure, after a week or two, when he sees me ignoring him in church and online, he would understand that when I said it ends here, I meant that it did end there. The relationship, the fights, the love, everything. After all, if I can't keep my own word on issues like this, how am I to ever trust myself with bigger things? And also like how I'm keeping to my word about staying away from ElvinWee and everyone I used to know in church. The Thiens, The Cheangs, The Lees, everyone who knew the Amanda before. Well, everyone except the girls. Steffi and Gen. But that's about it. I've been doing pretty much all right, aside from that tap on my shoulder on Christmas. But other than that, every thing's all going as planned. For once in my life, anyway. After all, after having seen all the chaos, how could anything of such mess been planned? I've also brought up the suggestion of going to Christ The King for mass. However mother seems to be rather attached to this church. It truly is quite unfortunate for me, cause you know, I'm trying to get away from this church and all? Yeah, very unfortunate for me. But I'll probably continue to try and talk her into going for mass at Christ The King. Very much better for my sanity, and my soul too.

Today was the celebration of St Stephen's Martyrdom. We didn't stay. I especially didn't want to stay when I saw the entire youth choir. Not since mass was just as dull as ever. Can anyone really not move their body when they hear music? I mean, is it possible that you wouldn't even move a muscle when you hear a catchy tune? I guess it is possible looking at how stiff and dead the choir looked. But then again, maybe it's just me and maybe they're just about as lively as any other choir in this church. Who knows? Who really knows about these things anyway? So said hi to Gen and Steffi. Steffi knows that she probably won't see me anymore in church, but I guess, I didn't have the heart to tell Gen yet. But I guess, as long as she wants to see Jessica, it's better about forgetting about me (: And it's seems funny but I can see myself spending more of my time outside of church, with other people. Maybe it's Tasha getting into my blood. After all, the friends she makes at the clubs aren't that bad. It's not like I'm suddenly going to start smoking and all, but it would be nice to have some place else to find peace. Acceptance. Love. Maybe not all, but just some place else where I wouldn't be judged. Not that harshly anyway. Although talking about this, I've also got a comment on my last post from someone named Anonymous. Here's what it says:

"And now the poor stand and confess

That my portion is you and I'm more than blessed"


This is a song from hill song.

God is our solution. Just hold on to God and he will lead you...Be blessed

I don't know what I'm suppose to do, really. Seeing as how I'm on the verge on about giving up on almost everything I've ever known. I've heard it can be quite an enriching experience giving up everything you've ever known, because then you'll find out more things. Things that you never knew, things that you've never dreamt about. Anyway, I do wonder who posted this comment. But maybe I don't know the person. Because I'm hoping now I don't know the person. Hahas. Anyway, I guess God has been providing. But now, it just seems like he doesn't care. I mean, we're suppose to listen for his voice. But what happens when we hear his voice, and people tell us that we are wrong. And that, that's not what he's saying? After all, I thought I was doing good by befriending her, when everyone else shunned her. And then when she left, everyone said that I shouldn't have done what I did. I thought I was doing good by taking care of them, while everyone else was having fun. And then when everything went wrong, everyone said that I should have been smart enough to have done something else aside from just taking care of them. And I guess, maybe I've lost my faith in what is good and what is bad? The lines are never clear, I know that. I'm more than clear on the fact that the lines between black and white, good and evil are never clear cut. But how are little girls suppose to believe that good will always win over evil, when nothing good ever comes out of being good? The gift of eternal life in heaven? I don't know if I really want to spend eternity with the people in my church now. Well, seeing as how they're certain they'll go to heaven. So maybe I'll just go to hell, you know, just to escape from them. Hahas. So I don't know, I guess. God is our solution. Hold on to God. He will lead you. Somehow, I only believe partially in what you're trying to say, I'm sorry.

Well, it is almost 10pm. I had weird, really weird dreams yesterday. I had one about NC. Although I think it was more of a fabrication my mind made up to make me happy rather than a possibility waiting to take place. I received an e-mail from J today. Well, he sent it two days ago and I only read it today online. He's all right, still going for missions. I guess until he comes back, I'll just be known as a bachelorette. Well, one that isn't looking for a guy anyway. Although I doubt bachelors are actually looking for that one girl to marry and settle down for the rest of their life right? Hahas.

So I guess this is where I stop today. Tomorrow's Sunday, the following day is Monday which is also New Year's Eve. And then Tuesday, it'll be 2008. I doubt I would be leaving all this behind in 2007. And no, I haven't started on this New Year's Resolution List. Because somehow, I have this feeling I'm not even going to stick close or even follow it at all. Well, thanks for stopping by I guess. I really do think no one reads this blog. Hahas. Despite the three comments that I've already had. I think they all happen to stumble upon this mad girl's blog and decided to comment. Hahas. Some things, no matter how hard we wish for them to be, never are the way we had wished them to be. I'm going to continue to listen to Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry on repeat before going to bed shortly. I'll be back soon, I guess. Definitely before the new year if I can help it. So, I'll see you. Take care. and God Bless. And just in case I don't come back before the New Year, a Happy New Year to you and many blessings ahead in the new year for you.

Amanda Loves You (: