Good morning.
Yes, it is officially Christmas. Unfortunately, the Christmas spirit has already left me, even before it started to take root. I did, for at least two hours, feel in the Christmas mood. I was singing, and helping mother with the house chores. I was in the shower, dancing and curling my eye lashes just to look perfect. And then, as I sat there, amidst the crowd, the spirit left and I just felt disappointed. It was quite a weird feeling I guess. I never thought I'll feel disappointed, especially not in church. Sure, disappointment in the people I called friends. Disappointment in myself for having failed something, or someone. But never, in a million years, had I thought I would have felt disappointment in the only place I found peace. But I did. I guess wonders never cease to exist huh? It's 2.40am and I'm sitting in the dark, crying and listening to the song 'Nobody's Perfect'. Maybe I'm trying to console myself. Maybe I'm trying to make myself happy. Maybe I'm just trying to fool myself into thinking that tomorrow, or later today, would be different. And maybe the future, can still be ok even when I've messed up. Would you like to hear about the mass? I doubt I would like to re tell it. Because re telling it would mean I'd have to remember the extreme bored sensation I was thrown into and couldn't shake off. I mean, I have also never thought in a million years I'll sit in church and be bored. I mean, there's singing. There's happiness. There's God's love having given his son for us. How can anyone, anyone at all, even come close to being bored when exposed to such extreme love, such extreme emotions? Well, I did, apparently. I wouldn't say it was the music because I guess since everyone else clapped, the singing couldn't have been that boring. I wouldn't say there wasn't happiness because it was Christmas, and it was the time of Jesus' birth. And God's love is always there, so I don't think God's love was missing at all. And I still can't put my finger on it. I can say though, that I didn't enjoy the music. I knew some songs, I didn't know others. But the songs I knew, it just lacked the happiness which was suppose to be injected into the singing. I mean, you are singing about God inviting us to share his table. And you're singing like you're being dragged, chained and tortured to the table for a meal. But hey, that's my opinion. If you've got a different view, feel free to leave a comment if you're brave enough. If you aren't brave enough, zip it and get on with your life.
So we shall skip from Christmas mass to after Christmas mass. Shared the whole chocolate bar with Steffi and Gen. It's truly amazing what three girls when left to their own devices can get up to. I mean, a whole bar of chocolate! We were truly hungry I think, or had a deep craving for chocolate. The only thing missing was...Jessica. It seems weird without her around I guess. It seems weird without some people sometime, and I don't understand, how some people can carry on and pretend that everything is good and almost perfect? People leave, people come. It really isn't like I'm ignorant to this aspect of human nature. I guess I'm just not used to the fact that some people seem perfectly with this way of human nature. I mean, shouldn't you at least feel hurt when someone leaves? Or feel the gaping hole in your heart when that person returns? I mean, sure, you hope, wish, want for everything to fall back to how it was before. The way you could sit around and laugh. Touch and smile, without worrying someone was going to spread a rumor. Hug and say 'I love you' and mean it, without worrying you're going to be labelled a boyfriend stealing girl or a lesbian. The way you walked around town together, doing absolutely nothing but taking in the sights. Sat along the streets, talking about your lives and watching as other people's lives flash by you. I have felt that wish, desire, want, need for everything to go back to the way it was. But how can we? How can we really go back to the way it was when we are growing and changing every hour, every minute, every second? I don't think the little girl who wanted things to go back to the way they were before has really died. How do you kill a part of yourself you love so deeply? She's just been coaxed into a room, decorated with her dreams, filled with her hopes, painted with her wishes. The reality she's really living in only comes to her as nightmares, because when she wakes up, she stares up at her dreams and wishes, and feels all right with the world again. Maybe one day, when it's safe again, she'll get to run free in the fields with the adult who loves her so. But until then, she'll be safe, in her room of dreams, hopes and wishes.
Then there was the touch. Which by the way I am absolutely and totally pissed about. I would have preferred a hug, imagine that! But I wouldn't have done it, even if you were to say, pay me a million dollars. I wouldn't say my friendship has died, although I have tried stabbing it a couple of million times. It simply would not die. But I made a choice to leave, fifty five days ago, and I'm planning to stick by that choice even if I have to be a bitch in order to do so. It had crossed my mind to present a Christmas present, I don't know if I mentioned it here, but I really wasn't up to facing the rumors again. Being called a third party once hurts, twice numbs and more than three times just makes you want to hit someone. And I guess, that one moment, one Sunday, doesn't not explain the days he's lived. I have no doubt he is hardly sad at all, so scrap that feeling of me being sorry and wanting to put a smile on his face. Because I'm sure he has many false people to surround himself with. My only hope is that he doesn't drown when no one's there to help him out in times of trouble. So yes, back to my original feeling, I was pissed. Annoyed. Irritated. Murderous. The last word simply because I wasn't ready for another rumor to be spread that I was trying to steal him again. I mean, I don't care how many times people have said it or how I'm supposedly suppose to be numb to the words and rumors, I'm a girl with feelings. Real feelings that you probably don't know about or care. So I don't care how many times the rumor has been spread, or how many times it has been said to my face or behind my back, I'll still curl up into a ball at night and ask myself what I had done to deserve such words being said about me. This unfortunately brings back my last memory of BenTan. Yeah, the fight we had. Hahas. I don't even know why I'm still hurt. After all, it has been rumored that he insults the ones he love the most. Unfortunately, I don't take lightly to being insulted. As you should know by now. But it's no time to be talking about him now right? After all, he's the one who cut the ties. Who am I trying to convince him I'm worthy a split second of his time? Besides, I've got other things to do. Mainly, trying not to plot my plan to kill half the people I know. No, I am not serious about killing half the people I know plot. It's a joke, I'm trying to be humorous. So I guess this should be where I end my self started conversation on ElvinWee and BenTan. The two people whom I thought I had loved in the church which shunned me. Now, the two people I silently wish I had never met.
Talking about wishing never having met them. I've realized that about a few months before, thinking back on church, I had always said thank you, to God mainly, for the experiences and friendships and if I were given a choice to go back, I would have done it all over again. The exact same way, but maybe with a little more class. But now, I'm not so sure. Maybe I would have still been that innocent little girl, who thought that looks didn't matter and boys were troublesome creatures. Maybe I would have always rushed to Christ The King for early morning masses, and sometimes refuse to go for service. Then as usual, the internal conflict. But it's not like I would have a chance to do it all over again right? Chances like that, comes only once in a life time. I don't think mine's here yet. Although even if it did arrive, and knock me on the head with a rubber mallet, I probably would ignore it and go about it the clumsy usual way that is truly Amanda's. It's amazing I haven't truly messed up my life yet. Well, yet being the objective word. It's really times like this, at 3.20am in the morning that I wonder what's going to happen to me. And how I am going to turn out. That I'm sorely tempted to google palm reading, or a horoscope reading, or just anything that would give me an idea about what's going to happen in the future, and what's lined up for me. But I know I wouldn't do it. Because I, fortunately, or unfortunately [as some would say] still believe in trusting in God to provide and care for me. Even when I'm the biggest sinner in the world that can't ever seem to do anything right with her life. I guess some times it is good to listen to the little girl, or boy in some cases, residing in your head. After all, it wasn't adults to whom Jesus revealed the Kingdom of God to.
Well, as mentioned earlier, it is 3.23am and I really should be heading to bed. But let me finish my day, before I go. We had a ride home, and I cleaned myself and then I ended up here. Firstly because I couldn't spend an hour crying in the toilet. And secondly, I needed someone to listen to me. Even when in fact, probably no one checks this blog. Hahas. I guess having a blog is good for my soul. Just like how writing balances me, blogging keeps me sane without offending too many people. Hahas. You know me, it seems simply in my nature to offend the people closest to me. So, there is that lunch thing later this afternoon and then dinner at night. I really should get to bed so I don't end up being cranky and growling at everyone who annoys me. Unfortunately, there would be no drinks at the lunch or dinner. I swear I am becoming an addict! But at least this is controllable as although I like to drink, I'm not crazy over the taste of it or the sudden alertness it results in after the drink. So I guess I am safe. A drink or two now and then should serve to keep me sane and from soaking myself in drinks at my next clubbing outing. Speaking of which, I actually can't wait to go out. Hahas. Well, gotta save some money first since I'm going out with Tasha this coming, or next Thursday for her birthday (: So I guess, that might be the next time I blog or maybe New Year's Eve. We'll see how I feel. If I'm up to blogging or if I need to blog to stop myself from killing someone. This time, I'm not kidding. Ok, I've got this annoying headache on the right side of my head suddenly. So I really should go. Thanks for stopping by, I'm very touched by your concern even though I don't know who you are. Thanks for caring about me, cause it seems hardly anyone cares about me these days, unfortunately. So I should be going. And no, I still don't feel like Christmas. And just the song I've been listening to since I started this post, go check out the lyrics. Hannah Montana Lyrics This is the song I'm listening to when I feel in a ditch, and it's really good. Gives you the kick to get off your ass and to do something about a situation that you've been mulling over for so long. This headache is really killing me, so I'm outta here. Thanks for stopping by again. And although I'm not into the whole Christmas thing this year, I do hope you have a Merry Christmas. No one really deserves to be unhappy or alone, but it doesn't mean there aren't people who are unhappy or alone.
Amanda Loves You (:
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