Love, Love, where art thou Love?

Love, Love, where art thou Love?

No, I'm not doing a spoof on Romeo and Juliet. I actually happen to really love the play and the movie. It doesn't really take a genius to know what I'm actually aiming for. I actually remember reading a quote once, on love of course. Love is a ghost everyone talks about, but only a few has seen. However, I have to question that. Is it really true? Have only a minimal number of earth's population seen Love? Given that there are a varied number of forms love can be represented in today's world, there has to at least be three or more witnesses to each type of love. Love between a parent and a child. Love between childhood friends. Love between colleagues. Hence I'm guessing this love, most certainly has to be that between a woman and a man. And then again, has anyone really been a witness to true love between a man and a woman? I don't know, because I don't think I have yet. Then again, I don't know what true love is, so how would I know if I've ever seen it or not?

When you've found the one who touches your soul, who fills your life and makes you whole, then you have found true love.

I wonder, is it true? It's funny how these quotes are just blurted out without an instruction manual. I mean, how would you know if someone has touched your soul, or if someone has filled your life. After all, isn't the soul a innate part of a person that cannot actually be touched and the fulfilment of your life dependent on yourself? Ok, I'll be less of a pessimist and more of an optimist. So in this case, touching some one's soul would mean knowing that person intimately and yet, still accepting that person for who he or she is? That's my own interpretation, you can find your own somewhere inside your mind. Is that really possible though? Knowing some one's most intimate details and yet still accept that person for who they are? Knowing their faults, their weaknesses, their habits, their past, what they've done that they're ashamed off and still accept them for who they are? But let's throw in something else that everyone has done once or twice in their lifetime. Judgement. Does truly loving someone mean not judging them by what they have done or the choices they have made? If so, can a convicted murderer who feels no remorse be truly loved by someone else? Well, granted none of us are that knee deep in regretful things we've done, but is that what it means? I admit, it bothers me sometimes about the things I've done in the past. The things I've said, the situations I've been in, the things I've done. How can someone else, who knows these things, still chose to unconditionally love me when I don't know how to show myself love? I'm not attributing this to the 'Love yourself before others can love you' theory because really, you don't need to love yourself for others to love you. Your parents love you even if you hated yourself. Your friends love you even if you thought you were the ugliest bint on the face of the earth. People can always love you even if you don't necessarily love yourself. That's my opinion, find your own. Now what would you know if someone has filled your life? Does it mean feeling like there is nothing else life could offer you that would make your life better in the slightest bit? Is that even possible? To have that one person in your life, nothing else could make you happier? Granted we're not talking about children. Children complete your life, it's my opinion. Find your own. To be sure that with that one person by your side, you could brave any storm, face any crisis. From my point of view, that person has to either be a really good catch or reality just hasn't sunken in yet. Ok, maybe I'm now tending more to the pessimistic view given my previous experience. Let's bump the scale back into the light, shall we? You would need compromise, tolerance, communication and forgiveness for it to be actually possible. Compromise when you hit a snag in the relationship where you are both on opposing ends. Without the compromise, you're certain to be happier without the opposing force, your lover. Tolerance when mistakes are made, over and over and over again. Without tolerance, you definitely will be happier if your lover stops making the same mistakes over and over and over again. Communication when things don't turn out the way you had envisioned them to. Without communication, rationale wouldn't let you see a way to work around the situation aside from one scenario, a parting. And finally, forgiveness when we are disappointed and let down by the one we love. Without forgiveness, there will always be a voice whispering in your ear on how you're better off on your own, or with someone else. I must admit, I have fallen into the trap of thinking I could live life forever with just that one person. I say it's a trap because, as you should know, I'm single. Very much so. Maybe it's the initial euphoria, which you mistake for love. It makes you think that all you need is him, and love and you will be ok. I don't look to fault anyone for feeling like that, because I know, at that point in time. Anyone who says it isn't possible, is a lair. A big fat liar. Personally, I feel it might be possible to live just for someone for so long. After that, reality sets in. Your life starts back up. And then whatever happens, depends on you.

Love is like pi - natural, irrational and very important.

That has to be the most intriguing quote about love I have ever read. But I have to admit, it is true. It's natural to love, is it not? When you meet someone, the first thought that normally follows would be acknowledging a new friend found. A new friend made. And if by luck, or by fate, or by pure human nature, your personalities match. The conversation flows like water towards the sea. How often have you realized your lost your heart after you have already lost it? Not many can booast about giving their heart away, because most times, our hearts are stolen from beneath our noses. Isn't it a natural thing to fall in love with someone who you have chemistry with? And no, I'm not talking about in the lab. I have to concur that love is very irrational. Love gives you no reason or explaination. How many times have you asked yourself why you fell in love with a person and came up blank? I know I certainly have just about a million times. I don't know about you, but I'm glad love is irrational. Everything in our lives follow logic, reasoning, common sense. I'm actually thankful there isn't something there is a direct answer to, although I have to admit, I have wanted straight answers for love before. I actually still do, but I am glad I don't have any. Where is the fun in life if everything happened in a logical sequence? No one actually needs to be told that love is important. Why? Because if love wasn't important, everyone in the world wouldn't be looking for love. I can only assume it's safe to say that sometimes, I wish we didn't need love.

Love is patient and kind, it is not jealous or proud. Love does not keep a record of wrong but delights in the truth.

Direct from the bible. It's not an exact word for word quote simply because it's 2am in the morning and I am too lazy to drag myself across the room to get the bible. Because once I touch my bed. It's good night for me until I wake up. Love is so many things. Although if you have noticed, love always appeals to the better nature in us. Patience. Kindness. Truth. and as previously mentioned. Tolerance. Forgiveness. Compromise. Maybe that is why we need love. Without love, there is nothing to appeal to our better nature. If colleagues didn't love one another, in a platonic way, everyone would be going out of their way to undermine the other person just to aid in their own personal corpate climb. If friends didn't love one another, again in a plationic way, who would we ever trust when we're in need of a listening ear when there is a high possibility of the secret being made known to the world in exchange for a favour, or even used as blackmail? If teachers didn't love their students, who would turn them from their misdeeds and then, who would run our future countries? I guess love really is important. Sure, you might argue that materialist things have a pull towards our better nature but love essentially, is suppose to be given freely. Although if there are any critics out there, against love, I'd like to hear your arguments. It's always nice to have a stimulating debate.

Is it wrong to be jealous of a girl I have never met? Is it wrong to be jealous of a girl whose going out with a guy I'm not even dating? After thinking about it for a day and a half, I'm beginning to think I'm out of my freaking mind. We're worlds apart. It's not merely a spoken truth, it's a fact and quite literal. The future is hardly bleak, it's almost non existent. I knew though, from the very beginning. Nothing could come of this. And yet now, I'm straining my eyes just to type this because, my heart isn't settled. And it will not settle until I give it what it wants. It doesn't want you, it wants me to confront you about my feelings. These feelings that are screwing me up so badly, I hardly recoginze myself anymore. I have tried to stay away, you know. Those two days were hell. Not literally, it was actually quiet peaceful those few days. I just, felt extremely restless. As I am feeling now. It always happens when I'm away from you for too long. It seems you've become my addiction. Not a strong addiction, I'm sorry. A few more days, the restlessness will cease. The thoughts of you will grow dim. I would have settled into a false sense of security because the moment the chat box opens up. My heart springs free and the feelings overwhelm me to the point of breaking. It's getting harder to keep the truth from you, but it is a must. Until I figure out what I am truly feeling. The rush of wanting to be in love again. The need to be in love again. Or simply, because I do, love you. I should be thankful, that you do not initiate any conversations between us. Except, I'm not all that thankful, not really anyway. Until I decide when the confrontation will be, my Smile, Nod, Pretend tenique with you has to hold because if this leaks out before I'm ready. The world as I know it, could literally be blown off its axis. So until then, my mystery boy, I'll just sit here and dream of you, while you dream of your dream girl. Well, I should be going now. It is almost 2.15am and I need my rest. Work is starting in about a little over 30hours and I do need all the energy I was supposedly suppose to have garnered over the long weekend. I will be back soon, hopefully. My gaming life has taken a hike, as usual when things get busy around here. I will start blogging reguarly again, as soon as my life settles down and I get back into the groove of things. But until then. I thank you for your patience. And I will see you again soon. Thank you for dropping by, and taking the time to read. Take care, and God bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

Personality Test

Good Afternoon.

So, I was blog hopping because I was extremely bored at work. Yes, I know I have work to do but currently, I just don't feel like doing any of it. I've still got tomorrow, give me a break, please! I wasn't planning on blogging actually, I only did it because I did another personality test because i was bored out of my effing mind and wanted to post it here! Well, here it is. Due to my computer's lack in ability to be of a more advanced stage, I will just copy and paste what is written. It will be easier on me and my mental health, seriously.

Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love.

Wow. That is a whole lot isn't it? I'm just going to take a moment to do the necessary font changes and then, I'll either decide to get out of here or continue blogging, just for the sake of it.

So. I take it you have read my personality test results. What do you think? I'm too tired to even try and type out what I think. It's all just a puddle of goo up there. So, I shall take my leave and come back another day when my brain is functioning!

Amanda Loves you (: she means it.

After a long hiatus.

Good Afternoon.

It's been such a long time since I last blogged. Almost a month I think. I'm not very sure and I'm too lazy to go check out exactly how long. Hahas. Many things have definitely happened since I last blogged. Ok, I'll go check for more accuracy. 10June. Wow, I didn't even blog about my birthday. Well, I'll start with that first, and try to quieten down my thoughts. They're running a mile an hour, and I'm just too lazy to catch up.

The party was awesome. I'm skipping over the, upsetting parts simply because there is no point in blogging about something unhappy, right? The cake was DELICIOUS. All thanks to Ethel x) Dinner was filling. All thanks to mummy for making the trip down. The presents were all wonderful. All thanks to everyone for thinking of me. Let me recount the presents because I still get a kick out of knowing what I got for my birthday. A bracelet, A necklace, A book, A bag of sweets, A DVD The Notebook, A Borders gift card. I watched The Notebook that very night. I haven't had the chance to wear the necklace or bracelet yet. I'm still working on the bag of sweets. The book is sitting among the rest of my books, waiting for me to reach out and take it. And I am going to get that new book from Borders as soon as I feel rich enough to buy more than one book x) I feel happier already, because I think I'm going to go home and watch The Notebook again. I'm a hopeless romantic, I know.

Since then, my life has been relatively busy between work, Fiesta and boys. Or rather, a boy. I have successfully managed to level my character for a few times, but I have been neglecting her for a while. I will get back on soon enough, as soon as I drag myself away from falling in love with the wrong boy. No one has been on Fiesta lately anyway. Jesse's busy with work, and no one wants to come keep me company on Fiesta. Not Han Feng, not even Maxie. It's upsetting really. But nevertheless, I will strive to gaining that level50! Or wait, was it level40? xP

Work got really hectic after JL left. I barely managed to pull myself away for my own birthday party on Friday. And I was swamped with work on my birthday. Now, how sad is that? But I got a present from my colleagues. A pair of earrings. And they are so PRETTY! A shoe and A carriage. Only fitting for a princess no? xP Work got slightly worse, because I was trying to cover all the bases. Maybe it was my fault for trying to take on more than I can take, but I was only partially thinking about the new girl. Broke down twice, the new girl was of hardly any help and the girl who came to take over me, I could have killed myself so I'd never have to work with her. She was nice, at first I suppose. Or maybe, it's just me. Hahas. But well, we'll never know since she left anyway. The other temp girl is leaving at the end of July. So it's just going to be me and Sharon. Sharon is the new Admin Assistant and she does her own share of work. So hopefully, between the both of us, we'll be able to cope when school starts for me. Yes, I'm going to be working for another month just to get that bonus. I've seriously thought about it and I think I do need it. Even nine hundred will be good for paying my school fees, or other bills that have to be paid. So, I've actually completed my monthly statistics. All five months which was left undone in the face of other more important work. It only took me a mere two weeks. I'm amazed at myself, and yet, I'm quite sad I don't have anymore to do. It is quite therapeutic for me to do the monthly statistics. Hahas. Well, I'm claiming time off today to go pay my UOL fees, so I should be leaving soon. Hence I decided to pop by here to blog before I left. Only another 25minutes to go! *cheers silently*

School is starting in slightly more than two weeks. I am still excited though. Even though I will only be having one class with the friends I made at the Day Camp, I'm still pretty enthuastic. I'm actually quite amazed at myself but I guess you only do get more optimistic with age. And I'm almost considered an adult, no more sulking around constantly for me! I'm starting University! XD I do hope I receive my study pack soon, so I wouldn't be left behind in any of the subjects I'm taking. Han Feng is also taking an accounting degree. But he is doing a night class. He said I could ask him if I needed help in doing Principles of Accounting. So, maybe I'll ask him if I do need help. He's single but, I don't like him. I mean, I don't really think I ever did like him in that way. I was just a lost girl looking for a boy to love her. And he was the nearest, literally. But I've wised up, and I know, you only need to love yourself. Nothing else really matters. So, I guess I'm just going to try and be happy on my own! Because I also realize I talk better to guys when I don't like them like how a girl should. Takes out all the awkward silences and the weird situations. And I'm going to be in contact with a whole lot of guys in school. So, go me! Hahas.

However, the one boy I'm currently obsessed with. I don't know. I don't know if he likes me, I don't even know if wants me to like him, I just don't seem to know anything around him. He seem to like girls with long hair, and as you know. I've recently chopped off my locks. So right now, I'm not sure if I'm keeping my hair short to spite him or if I want to. Or if I want to keep my hair long for him or for myself. I'm conflicted and I really don't know what to do. I know it isn't wrong to want to look nice for someone but doesn't how the way you look being influenced by someone else is stupid? I actually think so, thus I'm in such a dilemma. What's a girl to do? I have decided that I'm not going to tell him I like him, simply because it's crazy and when I do, it's going to get awkward and we're never going to be able to talk as per normal ever again. It's quite sad, really. And I don't want to lose him as a friday. I really don't. Well, I'm planning to take this day by day. Until I get there, we'll stay as friends.

The trip is set for next year, hopefully. We've decided in late May to early June. I'm sorry we can't go in early May because of my exams. So, hopefully it'll be all right. And that by then, we'll both have enough money to go overseas. I've been looking at flight tickets, and the range is pretty big. I'm also trying to plan how we could get from place to place, in the US. Fastest and hopefully, cheapest way. Since unfortunately, they do stay on opposite ends of the country. I've got a rough idea on how I'm gonna plan the trip but I need to run it by her first. I don't think it's fair if I decide everything. After all, we're going on this trip together. Well, I won't talk more about it because it's almost time for me to leave the office. Keep your fingers crossed for me all right? I really, really, really, really want to go.

Well, like I said, it's almost time for me to go so I should start packing up. I'll try to blog again soon. Hopefully this weekend or something. I'll be out on Saturday evening with my Orientation Group mates. I'm quite definite I'll have fun! So, I'll see you soon. Take care of yourself x) Thank you for dropping by! I'm really sorry for not updating sooner. It has been a hectic time for me, not to mention stressful. I'll be back soon!

Amanda Loves You (:

Child Development

Good Afternoon.

It has been a while, since I last wrote. I have been busy as of late. Work, Fiesta, and the other less important aspects of my life which seem to be filling up my waking hours. I haven't really had much time to do anything else, I haven't touched the Organ since about two weeks ago. All this thinking of taking my language lessons, dance lessons, seem to be very distant and unreachable. Given I only have 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week and 4 weeks in a month. With work, upcoming school and Fiesta, I don't think I have enough time to squeeze in any more lessons of any nature. Aside from the lessons, I've been thinking about my year end plans. It seems she's bent on going to the US at the end of the year. And I cannot sincerely say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind. But right now, there are indeed more pressing matters to settle like my school fees and the bills. The lessons are going to have to be put on hold. As will my other interests, unfortunately.

I still haven't been writing. I must admit that I have neglected that part of my life, I really don't think I can write anymore. Fantasies of forever after, romantic sunsets and sweet nothings seem so trivial in today's world. There are so many other things that need to be worried upon, thought about, discussed, argued about. I know the world needs hope, which only love can give. But how do you prevent yourself from fully drowning in the impossibility of forever love, in the world today? Maybe I will give them a go again, next week or when I decide to pull myself away from Fiesta. Maybe when school starts, I'll have more time on my hands to review my stories.

Child development. How do you know when you're doing the best for your child? Frankly, I don't think anyone can ever say they are an expert in child upbringing. It's just simply not possible. In my opinion anyway. I don't know what you think, neither am I attempting to try and know what your thoughts on this subject is. Unless of course, you leave a comment, after reading this. It is most welcomed (: So, back to the topic. I've noticed that there are a whole lot of new programs, classes, activities for young children nowadays. How hard really, is it to notice when I've got a younger cousin who is most probably going for at least 25% of the classes suggested by the media, institution or word of mouth? Do parents see this as helping their child develop or as putting more pressure on their child? I know many might say that it's in a way, helping your child to develop. Developing the left brain, developing the right brain, exposure to the arts, early exposure to subjects to put the child ahead of others in school. Are these really necessary? Sure, the syllabus for schools have changed drastically and expanded beyond normal requirement. Is it necessary for parents to put excessive pressure on their children to learn even more outside the bounds of the normal requirement? I admit, learning never ends. Even if you're 100 and almost dying. I don't ever want to stop learning. Because when you do, it means your brain stops working to it's full potential and you are essentially just taking up space. But when is it enough? As we go through Tertiary education, we normally tend to study outside the subject requirements. Simply because it would give us an advantage when it comes to examinations. But as children, toddlers not even of 5 yet, is studying beyond the subject requirement really necessary? How much of a pre school exam paper requires the examinees to quote other theories, or explain in abstract terms? None that I currently know of. What would I do when I eventually decide to settle down and have children? Most probably send them for classes that I've always been dying to go for. And if and when they want to stop, it will be a viable option to them. Yes, maybe that is what I will do.

I am still waiting for UOL to reply to my application. If they have not replied by tonight, I'll give them a call on Wednesday. I'm sure they will be able to tell me if they have sent out a reply or not. Nevertheless, the orientation is this coming Thursday. I'm only pretty excited to be choosing my own timetable. Hopefully, against whatever odds there are, I'll be able to get the time slots that I want x) I will update you further, when I get my reply. Hopefully I will get it soon, very soon.

My birthday is coming, I'm turning 20 soon. It's quite scary actually. I'm finally hitting my early twenties. Next up, the thirties xP I'm going to update my wishlist, so feel free to buy accordingly, if you wish. Otherwise, I'm sure you know me well enough. Nevertheless, it is always the thought that counts! Currently though, if you want to help, you can start by praying that she will be able to make it for the party. Give her a freak time table if it has to come to that, please please please. I want her there, and I don't care if she's working or if she needs the money. I am evil, I don't care.

Well, I really should get going. Off to update my wishlist, and I'll be back soon. Hopefully sooner than next week or even next month. See you soon! And thank you for dropping by!

Amanda Loves You (:

The whirlwind of life.

Good afternoon.

I should make blogging a daily activity. I should think it might help with easing the stress of life, especially in times when I'm in dire need of a friend. A listening ear. Just someone, anyone. I don't know what's happening, I really don't. Everything's almost happening too fast, or too extremely slow that I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do. The worst part has to be the feelings. They are mostly fleeting, but when they come, the disastrous wake they leave behind, are becoming too much for me to handle on my own, and there isn't anyone else I can turn to for help. No one, at all.

For two nights in a row, I've laid in bed and cried for no apparent reason. Maybe there are reasons, I'm just not bothering to address them. And when sleep came, it was the only opportunity for me to laugh and actually be happy. It's funny how much I rely on my alternate life, alternate universes. I woke up almost on time today, and turned on my side and tried to go back to sleep. It's quite scary how I rather be immersed in my dreams than live my own life. I haven't talked to steven today, simply because he's not online. So many times, I wish I was there instead of here. They're just a phone call away, a short bus ride away, within possible walking distance. I wonder if Matthew will take me in, I'll offer to take care of his daughter and his father. Sometimes, I'll do almost anything to get away from this place. And trust me, it's scary.

The wedding is this Thursday. I can't believe I'm even thinking if I should go or not. I always thought I was more of the 'I'll go because you're my friend, and it doesn't matter who you've invited or who I see at the wedding, I'll be there, simply because I'm your friend' but now, I don't know. It's almost like a choice between my sanity and, friendship. It should be a pretty easy choice since I don't have my sanity anymore, but yes, I'm still thinking about the decision. I have a back up plan. I just, need to pull myself together to excute it. I hope it goes according to plan A, then plan B doesn't need to be excuted but, we can't always have what we want can we? Although I do, sincerely wish, plan B doesn't need to be used. Nevertheless, here's to wishing the Bride and, Groom all the best.

Life's too short to be crying over men all the time. That's true isn't it? I don't think I'm going to ask Matt to come play Fiesta anymore. It's not like I'll ever have the time or be lucky enough to play with him. I might as well spare myself the pain, and the tears. And maybe I should stick to my previous, commitment. My heart's mine, until I'm old enough to know better to give it away. I guess it doesn't matter that among all my friends, I'm the only one that is still single. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be eh? After all, there are a whole lot of other things that require my attention. My stories, My playing, My blog, My studies. Who really has the time to waste on a boy? Not me. And I believe if I say it enough times, it just might come true. I ain't got the time.

Work is a little dull at the moment. Everyone is out for lunch, and I'm not eating, again. I'm not trying to lose weight, well, not using this method anyway. I was sick this morning. The cramps were horrible and I was on the verge of crying, or screaming, or kicking something, or hitting someone, or just doing anything to release the pain. The rasor crossed my mind, but I was at work. A lil hard to cover up the bleeding. Well, my stomach has settled down. The disgusting taste of vomit is still lingering, drinking a lot of water is helping. But I don't trust it, not yet anyway. Hence I'm not eating. It'll be ok, so don't worry. There's almost nothing that can happen to me; someone always ruins the plans. So, there's nothing to worry about here, carry on. I'm going to be doing my report soon, before I need to return to shreding of the Medical Certificates. It's a pretty tiresome job, but it gives me some time to think quietly.

Well, I guess I should get going. There really is nothing else I've got to add. Mummy sent me to work this morning, so no travelling news to report. Aside from the fact that I detest the metal machines that takes away money from me. Why! Why! Why! I don't know, but we still need to pay anyhow. So, I'm going back to listening music and stoning. I'll type back soon. Probably tomorrow, or Friday. Since I wouldn't be going to work on Friday. Need to hurry comlete my UOL application. It'll be pretty stupid if I go for the SIM orientation and I haven't been accepted into UOL yet huh? Ok, the SNMs are back, so I'm gone. Take care, and thank you for coming here!

Amanda Loves You (:

An update, before everything returns to as it was before.

Good Afternoon.

It's been a pretty hectic afternoon. I currently have a headache and I feel like dying. Life isn't worth living anymore. So yes, it has been an extremely long time since I've blogged. 21st April, it's like eons ago. When I had a different life, worrying about different things, thinking about different things, doing different things, thinking about different people, watching different shows, talking about different things. Don't ask me if then was better then now, because I can't go back to the past, so I suppose, the future would, hopefully be better. Because you know, I'll be there soon, hopefully.

I'm still working at the same institution. Doing more or less the same things. Seeing more or less of the same people. I've been working here for almost, ten months and four days. Not counting when my contract started, because that would cut down the figure by about 2 months or so. And very soon, hopefully, I'll be free from here to continue my path in the world. University.

I haven't, as of today, yet submitted my application to UOL. As many would know, the reason is simply because I haven't thought about what to say in my application, under the section of 'Reasons for wanting to study this particular course at University'. My first attempt, was badly written and I am throughly ashamed of it. Hence, the reason why I can't seem to find it anywhere. On paper or somewhere in the corners of my mind. It seems to have vanished into thin air, not that I'm actually complaining. I just need, a starting point, to get myself started. A hundred words shouldn't be an obstacle for a writer, but do I consider myself a writer anymore?

I haven't written in about three months. Adrian, Heidi, Paige, Patty, Catherine, Gregory, they are all waiting and waiting and waiting for something to happen in their lives. I really should start writing again shouldn't I? I haven't even got 20 reviews on Will You Stay? It is a little heartbreaking, but I shouldn't let that stop me, should I? I will start, the next time I'm bored with Fiesta. Or when I need to get away from it all. I'll write, I promise. But that was what I said about my playing, oh so not long ago.

I've started playing the organ. Yes, I smile when I play. Even if the song reminds me of our times in the deserted Church hall. Sitting beside you, leaning against you, the soft melody, the harsh light amidst the darkness. The smiles, the gentle touches. You stopped me from playing, and yet, you were the reason I started playing again. It's amazing what one person can evoke in another. The power of love, or the power of a person? Feelings or thoughts? I should start again tonight. Our song, it'll always be the last song I'll play. Simply because.

Something else I have been occupied with has to be Fiesta. Only two days, and I'm hooked. Nevertheless, I'm sticking by my weekend only rule. University is starting, and I don't intend to screw myself over again. Or let anyone else do it for that matter. Whole load of drama happening, but that is left to the secrecy of my bedroom because they aren't mine to be told. Aside from that, it's almost back to the men in my life again. New additions, guys leaving, and the rest, staying undercover as they have been since forever.

Steven's found his girl. I'm happy for him and yet, I'm still afraid of losing him. Maybe I really am afraid of loneliness. Having no one at the end of the day, no one when you need a shoulder to cry on, no one when you need a ear to rant to, no one to hug you and tell you it's going to be all right when all you feel like doing is crying. But I've got the little voice in my head, not that it has been especially kind to me recently. The dreams are, tiring, to say the least. Anyway, Matt's still MIA as usual. If he's not MIA, he's playing SoF. Yes, I am feeling neglected. I recently started talking to Hamm. I said I missed him, and then he replied me. I think he's been busy with work and God knows what else. Still playing SoF, as faithful as ever. I wish I had a guy as faithful as him to me. Johnny still hasn't replied me, and I've probably given up hope on ever talking to him ever again. Maybe it wasn't meant to be aye? And then, there's the new guy. Steven's already sighing over me, was doing it the entire morning. I think he's secretly glad we're not related. As of now, I haven't told anyone because there's no one to tell. I guess it's just time for me to take the old route or waiting out and see. I might update the situation, but don't get too hopeful. I'm trying not to be too hopeful.

It's funny how both the songs I'm listening to, are similar yet different. 'Melt the snow' by Shane Ward and 'Crushed' by Rosette. I'm not sure if you've heard of either, but if you type in the song name, you should be able to find the lyrics. They are pretty nice lyrics, and a perfect balm for a romantic soul like mine. Talking about romance, I'm currently waiting on Jess for The Notebook CD. I can't say how many times I'm going to watch it, because I really don't know. But I'm sure, it's definitely going to be more than twenty times. And I'm even more certain that I'll cry during every show. It's just that romantic and moving.

Well, I guess this concludes the post. I've decided to go back to how I started this blog. One post everyday, or as often as I can. I can't promise that it'll be irrelevant conversations I had, or stray thoughts that pop up while I'm on my way to work, but I can promise you that it will definitely revolve around me. After all, that was why I created the blog no? Anyway, I don't want to fall back into that depressive cycle, the razors, the tears, the blood. I'll keep the tears, because I love it when it rains. But everything else has got to go. A girl's got to move on with her life, to bigger, and definitely better things. I don't think anyone has found this blog yet, but I'm perfectly content with talking to no one about myself. Takes the stress off trying to not say something wrong and offending someone.

Anyway! I really should be going. Do leave a comment, if you're a frequent reader. I won't be waiting for the comment because it probably will never come, but it's ok! So, I am off. Thanks for dropping by and I hope you had your entertainment for the day! See you soon, hopefully again, before the week ends.

Amanda Loves You! (:

Teardrops on my guitar

Teardrops on my guitar

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

that I want and I'm needing everything that we should be

I bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about

and she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's just so funny

That I can't even see anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right

Wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?

And there he goes, so perfectly, the kind of flawless I wish I could be

She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love

Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light

I'll put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

He's the time taken up, but there's never enough

And he's all that I need to fall into

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

Good afternoon.

I've decided to colour code my post today. Ok, maybe not colour code but add some colour into my posts. I have realized that they are relatively dull. So, the song. Teardrops on my guitar. Yes, it is my current obsession. There really is nothing much to say about it, I'm sure the words say it all. Another reason why I can't talk much about it is because I need to get my ass into the shower. We're going out, again. So I need to clean myself before I go out. I managed three lines in my story, which was a big feat considering I didn't know how to continue. This writer's block is getting increasingly annoying. Well, I should be off. If you want the song, let me know, I can send it to you! Well, really need to run. I'll try and post soon! *hugs*

Amanda Loves You! (:

Spring cleaning before a new month.

Good evening.

Yes, another change in font. Actually, I didn't change the font. I just didn't change it to the one I normally use. I'm still trying to find a fond I'm comfortable seeing. I have not yet started on my next posting chapter for "Will You Stay?" and it is annoying the living day lights out of me, trust me. So it is almost the end of the weekend. Another hour or so before I jump into bed. Going to be waking up early tomorrow to go buy breakfast in Chinatown with mummy. Hopefully the kaya shop is open, otherwise, we'll just have to look else where for breakfast. I haven't actually done much this weekend. I went back to work yesterday morning. It is, unfortunately, once again the end of the month which means that reports are due. And since, my dateline which is on the 5th is a Saturday, my dateline has been shifted up to the 4th. Yes, a day makes a whole lot of difference. Anyhow, I'm going to try my best and hit the deadline. Going to be a whole lot of calling out and running around tomorrow, I must remember to not wear heels. The rest of Saturday was spent watching movies, reading FanFiction and generally doing nothing. I didn't even touch my book because then I would be neglecting my computer. I can't do that now, can I? This morning, Sunday morning, I was suppose to have gone for breakfast with my mother and grandmother but we all slept in. Resulting in a late lunch and then off to church. After which, I have successfully cleared the table beside my bed! More space for my shoes, well, not exactly actually. Only one more shoe, any volunteers to buy me that last pair of shoes?

In the process of clearing, I found a few scribbles of stories to be continue. Quotes to be read, typed in and remembered. Lists for various things I needed to get done. Mostly junk, but at least now I'm not housing them anymore. Out they go! But here are a few quotes and meaningful words. I was sourcing them to be put up in my blog, the one for me and J. Yes, my supposedly eternal paradise. The only hope I have now with him, is that he's still alive and happy. Can true love really overcome everything? Even the horrors of war?

Happiness is something very special,

you can't buy it

you can't sell it

but you can share it with that someone special.

being unhappy, sad and hurt is just the process

happiness is the destination

happiness is like a butterfly which,

when pursued,

is always beyond your grasp.

but if you will sit down quietly,

may alight upon you

only love can hurt your heart

fill you with desire and tear you apart

only love can make you cry

and only love knows why

if you're not ready to cry

if you're not ready to take the risk

if you're not ready to feel the pain

than you're not ready to fall in love

every time we do, we get hurt

then i figured that's why it's called

falling in love.

Three quotes on happiness, and the last one on love. What did you think? I don't know what to think anyone, on this topic anyway. Giving up seems so childish and throwing oneself into loveless relationships seem so immature. How do you do something, without changing who you are at the same time? I am, at this point in time, pretty much willingly to let go of any passing emotions I am feeling until the dust settles and I chart another path for myself. Not seeing certain people, have definitely helped. Maybe I might decide in on an occasional flirting session but my heart's going to be locked up for a while. The key is hopefully going to be with me for longer this time. So far, I've only kept it for over a year and this time, maybe, I'm thinking to at least 2 or 3 years. Yes, after I outgrow this adolescent age.

It is currently, 9.02pm. I think I should log off, and go cuddle in bed with a book or something. Weird dreams have been plaguing me. If they weren't resulting in me waking up more tired than I was before, I would've gladly dreamt them up. So, hopefully the dreams diminish a little. Or at least, revitalise rather than tire me out. Thanks for dropping by again. I should be changing the quotes and layout of this blog soon. Or maybe I should do it now, for a while, before I sleep. Well, thanks for dropping by! Do take care of yourself and I will try and regulate my blog posts. God bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

Will we ever find true love?

Good Morning.

Yes, I'm yawning away and yet I am still here. No, I didn't attend the Easter Vigil and yes, I just watched "The Notebook" again. I was bored I suppose, and decided to see if the DVD could work on my laptop. Apparently it does. I'm crying by the way, if you are interested to know. I didn't count the number of times I cried during the movie, because if I watched it again, I know I'd cry again. Maybe at the same parts, maybe at different parts. No one is taking count right? So there really wasn't a need to keep track, when no one else does. The only thing or rather, person, that didn't change was the one who I thought about during the movie. It's still Johnny. I don't know why, I really don't. I chalked it up to the uniform and then moved it on to the way he talked. After which, I moved it on to the accent which is only slightly similar after further and deeper contemplation. Or maybe that was how I pictured him being. The way he walked, the way he worked, the way he loved. I still remember the dreams we made together, during the late nights I stayed up with him. Or the late nights he stayed up with me. The wishes, vows and promises we made. The endless declarations of love. And then, watching the movie made me think about what we were all about.

We never even saw each other before. Pictures never really do their owners any favours do they? We never went out on a date. We never held hands. We never hugged. We never looked at the stars at the same time. We were never less than 10 miles away from each other. If it's true love though, does the distance matter? I don't think it would have, because it didn't matter to me then. What would've happened if he never left, or if I never acknowledged my traitorous heart. Would I be talking to him now? Just laughing and being content just talking with him? Would I watch the show and then tell him how much I missed him and how much I love him? Or would these thoughts still cross my mind, about true love, and if that was what happened between us.

Does the desire to be in love make us blind to what is actually happening before us? I think I do want to fall in love again. To have the feeling of utter happiness. Utter contentment with life. To never want to stop smiling because someone loves me. But that just makes me want what I had before, because the future is too far away. This growing old and being tired really is beginning to annoy me. Hence I cannot ignore the fact that my brain has shut down and that I need the much desired rest my body requires. Maybe I'll delve into this again another day. Or maybe, everything that is running through my mind right now shall stay there. Maybe one day, one day I'll figure all this out and be able to smile always. But for now, it's toddles. The bed beckons and my mind retreats.

Amanda Loves You (:

Revelation of the heart.

Good Morning.

Yes, I decided to change my font. I thought it would be a nice change. I'm going to be typing after this post. It's about time I started working on my stories. I guess it doesn't matter if no one reads them, or if no one leaves reviews after reading them. Writing gives me a kind of freedom to do things, I might probably never do in real life. There's something out there that gives us all a unique sense of freedom which nothing else in the world can replicate. Before starting on this post, I actually had a post already written out. It was choppy and very much just spilled out like water sloshing out of a bucket. Carelessly and without much thought. So I thought I'd change the font and take a different approach. After all, mother just left for work, and I've got all the silence in the world to contemplate about what I really want to say. That and what has been weighing on my mind ever since so long ago.

First and foremost, I finished a three movie marathon with my mother earlier this evening. Gabriel, The Notebook and Underdog. It was truly a thrilling ride, just from the changes in the genres of the movies we had watched. I admit, the only reason I picked out Gabriel was because I have this sudden fascination with the history of the Church. Everything in the synopsis talking about the seven Fallen Angels and seven Arc Angels made the movie a definite choice when we were picking out movies. The first thing that struck me about the movie when it started was the number of curse words flying out of the actors' mouths. Only after I looked at the case cover did I realize it was a M18 movie. Well, it's a good thing I'm way past my eighteenth birthday. The twist to the story was not something I had expected although it was predicted by mummy nearing the end of the movie. That's what happens when you're not in a movie theatre, you can speculate out loud about what you think is going to happen and there's no one around to shush you. Plus, not being in a cinema theatre erases the guilt one would have when talking out loud during a movie. I would tell you the twist here but if you are really that interested, I suggest you borrow the movie. And please, watch it with an open mind if you are a religious person. Don't sue me if you don't agree with the movie, I wasn't the one that insisted on the movie being made and I didn't force the movie upon your eyes or your mind.

The Notebook. I've heard a million and one stories about the movie, and the book. I've missed it about twice on Channel5 but I did catch the ending of it once. And that was enough to make me want to watch the movie. The last time, when I only caught the ending of the movie, the reason I didn't want to watch it wasn't because I didn't have enough time. Or that I would have rather played a game on the computer. It was simply, because just watching the trailers on television made me think of Johnny. I didn't really know what it was about. And yet, it made me think of Johnny. It was a few weeks ago, or maybe a month ago in February. When I just found out Johnny was back from Iraq and he still hadn't tried to contact me. Still, watching it today made me think of him. I wonder, if whatever happened between us was even something. I think I did though. I did love him because if I didn't, I wouldn't have agreed to the relationship. And yet it was different from all the previous relationships. There were the butterflies, the silly smiles, the declarations of love but the only thing missing was the overflowing and overpowering sensation of love when I was with him. I felt happy, I felt contented but I didn't feel like I could never live without him. Look at how I coped when he left, without so much as a goodbye kiss. I smiled at his picture, I prayed nightly for him, I hugged my pillow and thought of him. But after a while, it just felt like he had left and there wasn't much of a big deal. Even seeing him online while at war, talking to Chris, waiting up for him. It seemed more like a chore you'd do without complaining but if you had a choice, you'd rather not do it. And then, there were days I'd cling to the idea of being in his arms again. To hear him say he still loved me. To believe that he never left and that it was all a dream I was going to wake up from. There are still days when I wish I could ignore the soft whispers my heart emits and just fall back into trying to fall in love with Johnny again. To pout, to whine, to frown just to hear him say he loves me. To blush, to giggle, to smile when he told me how beautiful I looked. To just fall back into the routine of being in a relationship. The silly smiles during the day when you think no one is looking, the way your world is perfect the moment he comes online, the overwhelming feeling of contentment when you're talking to him. And I don't know, I don't know if I want to go back to that when I could just move on. There is still that flame with him that I haven't explored and I know I do. I want to see how it could be if I had waited, just one day, for him to tell me he loved me and that he wanted me by his side instead of being with Johnny. And with almost everything crashing down around me, I'm not sure if I can wait for him without losing my mind or giving up on my heart. So I wrote Johnny a letter. A short message telling him I missed him and that, that I think I still love him. We will see how things go from here, and then maybe I'll decide. Or maybe, maybe I'll just try and be by myself.

Another unexpected punch to the gut or heart, would be my sudden realization today. That maybe, I might've actually loved someone who never knew I did. After all, I did tell him I didn't love him and would probably never, ever, love him in the way he claimed to love me. But it is in the past now, he's in my past now. It really doesn't matter how much I want to walk up to him and tell him I didn't mean half the things I said and apologize or how I wish he'd be true to his word and force me to talk to him until I bared my soul because he's in my past. The past that I'm so desperately trying to leave behind. So you might be wondering why I am bringing this up now when I want to leave him in the past. It was because I spent a hour and a half staring at him. Initially it was simply to get under his nerves and maybe make him realize what he's lost when he took her word over mine or when he didn't have enough faith in me. And then I realized that I would never get to hug him again. I would never get to call him just for the fun of it. I would never get to try and jump on him just for the fun of it. I would never get to do all the things I wanted to do or see with him. The Sunday afternoon conversations. The early morning conversations that left me laughing and him, clueless. Maybe then I did realize that the day I went to Nick's place for a CNY celebration. I would've said yes, if he had asked me to be his again. But, it's all in the past now. And since I am desperately trying to let go of my past, I should stop staring at him just to annoy him shouldn't I? Maybe there are things that are meant to stay in the past, never to be brought up again. Maybe what we could have had should never be thought about again. Simply because out of all the times we reached that fork in the road, I always chose the friendship path and you never objected. It is for the best that what we had is left in the past, because now, I know you'd never look at me the same way again.

It hurts knowing someone who left you, is over you. The only way it can get worse is if you realize you're still in love with him. No, I'm not still in love with him. The one that broke my heart over his mother's. I did realize though that I hate his new hairstyle. The mop on his head that he calls his hair doesn't even look in anyway flattering to him. Or maybe, just maybe, I prefer my guys clean cut and tousled. The only reason he's getting blog time is the fact that it hurt, when Jessica pointed out that maybe he doesn't care about what happened anymore. I mean, maybe I should've realized he was just a boy when he ended it and that, it really was never going to work between us. It's just, some wounds cut too deep and will never fully heal. No, I deleted the e-mail the day I sent him a thank you card after I started seeing Johnny. I figured, he didn't have a right to make me feel worthless anymore. Because if anyone who does make you feel worthless, really isn't worth your time or love. But the words wouldn't leave, the imprint is still on my mind. And unfortunately, it haunts me sometimes in the dark when the silence gets too much or the thoughts get too wild. This is enough blog space for him, I think. This chapter is closing. It has been closed since two years ago and I really should stop adding words to it. Sometimes, the more you write, the worse it gets. So, the next time I see you, forgive me if I scoff and turn my gaze. Knowing the way you lie so easily, is something I never believed until now.

It seems that today's post is mostly dedicated to the boys in my life. Well, they weren't all boys. Some of them are actually men, grown up mature men. There is someone else I would like to include here, but I don't think it is worth the effort. After all, I don't get anymore bad memories when I look at him. At least now, I can look at him and smile. For all the times he's made me smile. Maybe in another life, or another time, or another day, we could be friends. Possibly even lovers. But from here till then, we'll just be nothing more than strangers. And I'll treat you as nothing more than very appreciated eye candy. After all, wasn't that how I met you anyway?

The next big thing on my list of things to think about is my birthday. I did put forth the question on inviting her, or not. No names, not yet anyway. It's really nothing personal or has anything to do with NicholasCheang, although I do admit he does play a small tiny role in this, it's just I'm just learning how to stand up for myself and you're the first stand I'm taking. There was always the conflict there. Sure, we might've started out on opposite ends of the line and then ended up on the same side, almost glued together. That doesn't erase the fact you ditched us for a boy. Or how you lied to my face for him, for no apparent reason. The worst was cheating on the one person who possibly loved you more than life itself. I've never kept anything from you. I stood up for you against others. I did all I could for you, because I treasured you as a friend. Look at what I got in return. Sure, we're not suppose to expect anything in return when we do something for others. But I wasn't expecting you to hurt the people around me; the way they never hurt you. For all the memories we had, for all the pictures we took, for all the promises we made, for all the hugs we shared, I'm leaving them all behind. Maybe one day, one day I'd confront my demons and accept you for who you are and what you've done. But until then, I thank you for the times you've made me smile when I was down. The times when you've tried your best to cheer me up. The times you've made me glad I had a friend in you. Now, you're in my past. The past I'm trying to let go of.

It seems like a truth session. Everything spilling out; everything revealing itself. It feels good though. At least now, I know what I'm trying to do with my life. I'm already trying my best to smile daily and I hope that it will help on my outlook on life. There are a whole load of things that are going to be happening in the next few weeks. The University applications for one. It is almost going to be set in stone that I need to go back to CJC to get my certificates stamped and certified to be true copies. I am still at a loss for what to write for my three hundred word essay and not to mention, I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to apply for in NUS and NTU seeing as how they have the top three courses option. Despite this, I hope it will work out in the end. Even a small glimmer of hope can give rise to the blossoming of love. Ok, maybe not the exact quote about hope to be sprouting but what can I do when my brain is slowly shutting down? I guess it is back to less, brain stressing activities. I will blog again. Almost definitely when I am at home because I realized that I can not stand the computer I have at work. The keyboard is much to old and the keys hardly function properly anymore. I much prefer words to come out when I type and not gibberish that no one, not even myself, can understand. So before I do, I'd like to thank you for dropping by to take a read at my blog. Do leave a comment, so at least I know that I'm not the only one reading this blog. Take care of yourself, and God Bless!

Amanda Loves You (:

A broken heart can be broken again.

Good Afternoon.

You know, I've actually considered starting each post with 'Dear Diary' but then it'll make you look like a moron reading someone else's diary hence I'm sticking with a simple greeting. I must admit that this is the first time I'm not all that willing to divulge what has been bothering me. I know for certain, I think, that the parties involved aren't aware of the existence of this blog. I guess I just don't want to relive the emotions by retelling the story. I have a pretty vivid imagination and memory, unfortunately. But as simple as it has been stated on my post title, a broken heart can be broken again. It seems that I have been going through a whole load of cliche break up phases. Not mainly for myself because as you would have realized already, I hardly ever take my own advice. Although I think that's changing, already. For one, I've refused to cry. It's not really simply because I'm at work because there are public toilets where I could take refuge in. I figure it's because I've simply done enough crying over men and their idiotic nature. I didn't cry over the last guy, I don't see why I should cry over one when there wasn't a stable relationship to begin with. I can't deny the fact, that my heart has been broken. Because it is broken, fractured into a million pieces that will cut when handled without care. A broken heart still carries on beating just the same. That's true, because I'm still alive.

Another day till confession tomorrow night. I'm not excited nor thrilled to be seeing certain people, and just a few hours before, I thought I had the best memory to have me smiling through the night. I don't think I really blame Steven for laying the bomb on me, but I do wish it wasn't true. I still have not yet decided on my course of action. It's between blocking him permanently or just ignoring him blatantly. I'm dying inside for him to tell me it isn't true and that he meant every word he ever said to me. And I'm afraid of asking him. There is still the 50% chance that it isn't true, and every thing's he has ever said to me was simply because I said it first. Now that would totally suck, wouldn't it? I'm sure it would. But I think I am working on not crying too much anymore. I hope this time, I manage to do it. I do pray, that no one else tries to melt my heart anymore.

Well, I'm not entirely in the mood to blog hence I'm cutting it short here. Maybe I will blog again when I'm in a better mood and definitely happier. Thanks for stopping by, for whatever reason you did. Take care and God bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

To be a Fallen Angel.

Good afternoon.

It's merely half an hour after twelve, and I'm already feeling bored and dejected. It might have something to do with what happened yesterday, and the day before. Or maybe, it's just me, as it always has been. So before this post I was doing some research. Or more like, reading up on what I actually feel I am to be. A fallen angel. It still baffles me how the term came about or even how I knew about it. And it doesn't matter how often I sit in silence and think back of when I started using the term, I have yet to realize where I poached the term from. Nevertheless, the term has been swept under the rug for the past year or so. As you might know, I've taken to being The Little Girl. I think I am really afraid to grow up. To be like the adults that I can hardly tolerate anymore. Maybe I do have something against authority. I think I do listen better to my peers, as opposed to listening to my seniors. Anyhow, I think I'm reverting back. It seems a few years hasn't really erased the pain, the tears or the scars. A Fallen Angel is an angel that has been exiled or banished from Heaven. Such banishment is a punishment for disobeying or rebelling against God. According to some traditions, fallen angels will roam the earth until Judgment Day, when they will be banished to Hell. Yes, all of that, I copied from Wikipedia. It has definitely been my site for quotes, as of late. Either that, or Dictionary.com. I actually do feel that I've met most of the conditions of what fallen angels actually are. Although I highly doubt I was an angel to begin with. Disobedience. I'm almost likely to have displayed that in my recent interaction with some people in church. Rebelling. I think I might have definitely done that a few years ago, with it came to the Youth Group. I don't know what I'm suppose to feel though. It doesn't really have a section on what Fallen Angels are meant to do. Aside from roaming the earth until Judgment day comes where we'd just be banished to Hell. But what do I really feel now? Anger, for the most part. I mean, surely preaching the bible would at least ensure one in actually practising. Unless of course, that's an assumption that really, shouldn't be made at all. Maybe fallen angels were banished from Heaven, does it mean that they're not to be accepted at all? I don't know, because frankly, I haven't met someone who has needed my acceptance yet. It seems I'm the one whose always in need of acceptance. And I guess, maybe the people who disregard acceptance are those who've always needed acceptance but never received it and have already given up on ever receiving acceptance and hence have started to disregard it. Would I ever turn out to be like that? I wonder, every minute, every day. I received a quote this morning, via the Inspire Me quotes I receive daily. It is my Mother Theresa. I'm sure most of you might know her. So here is the quote, "There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread". And I've been asking myself ever since I read that quote. Is it really appreciating that I want; rather than praise and acknowledgement? But maybe they are actually the same. Praising and acknowledging done by someone in essence is appreciating what that person has done, is it not? No, I don't believe in that. I know. Praising and acknowledging doesn't mean appreciating. It is just a means for other people to know what one person has done. Appreciating what someone has done, doesn't require everyone else in the vicinity to know what that person has done. It's purely an action or a few simple words between one person and another. The only similarity between appreciation and praise and acknowledge is that you aren't suppose to expect it. I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't do a whole lot of other things, but that doesn't stop me doesn't it? Maybe I should just humor myself and round all this up to him being a chauvinistic male pig who doesn't have a heart. At least I can still smile in spite of everything has was not done.

I did digress didn't I? So a fallen angel it is. Good Friday is coming up; which means confession is next Friday. Every confession I've gone for, every sin I've confessed, sometimes I wonder if I do mean it. Especially with regards to my own father, or even the people around me. Yes, I've left behind the past church and it's quarrels. I still can't let go of the scars on my heart, unfortunately. Anyone can recommend a heart mender? I have a heart that needs mending. Although that really isn't the reason I'm dreading confession. It's the thought of seeing everyone gathered at church. There's Ben. And then there's Elvin. I saw him last Friday at Stations of the Cross. Didn't look at him; his girlfriend was there. Don't exactly want to go down the same road of getting accused of a stupid intention that I didn't actually mean. I think it'll be all right though. He's too worried about his girlfriend to actually try and speak to me again. And Ben's too worried about his friendship status to talk to me. It's funny how the situations I put myself in, there's no one but me who can pull me out. It's quite funny really. At least, on the possible bright side is that I'll be seeing Steffi and Gen. Colleen, maybe. Her brothers are still avoiding me; not that the whole youth choir isn't. I highly doubt Jess would be there; I haven't spoken to her in a while. She's probably busy playing Fiesta. It seems everyone is good at something, aside from me. Unless you count screwing yourself over an activity to be proud of being good at. Great, the depression bug strikes again. I really don't think anyone reads this blog anymore. I really am much too depressing for myself. So, I should be off. Maybe the next time I drop by, I'll have happier news to announce. Or maybe by then, it'll already be Easter. I'll let you know what happens this Friday, and maybe on Easter Vigil as well.

If anyone is reading this, thanks for like, dropping by and reading this junk that I'm sprouting out. I should get going. Take care; and God Bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

Knowing is easier than doing.

Good Afternoon.

Yes, it is almost lunch but I haven't gone up yet. I might try to finish this post before I go for lunch because I am going to be pretty busy after lunch. Another new assignment regarding the orientation forms. It really is truly beginning to be a hassle. But I must admit, having more things on my plate again is helping with pushing me off the slacking corner. So, my reason for posting is, definitely not uncommon to me. My last post was about church wasn't it? Now, it's another part of my life, in conjunction with church, as usual.

I must insist that the leader of the group has proven himself to be another pain in the behind. No, you wouldn't know his name unless you're a close friend. Especially not after what happened the last time. This is indeed my blog, and I'm not violating any rules, since none of you know his name. Back to the group leader, he is an inconsiderate, intentionally stupid and whipped man. I don't understand how anyone can trust him to do anything when everything he does, is only done half past six! I'm sure his mother didn't instill in him the proper manner of doing something to the best of his ability. Because truly, I don't doubt his ability. I only doubt his heart. How can someone do something that's so sloppy and actually have the face to show it up during Mass? Even I, who have only been in this group for over a month is ashamed! If I had not yet joined the group, when I see the slides, I wouldn't have wanted to join for fear of having my name pulled through the mud at how horribly the slides are done! It really isn't that hard to make the words the same font and size, it essentially the first thing one learns, or does even in face of a blocked mind. I truly don't understand how his mind works. I don't care if it's my mind whose more complicated, or if he's got a smarter mind thus working in ways I know not of, how can anyone, in their right mind, show a PowerPoint presentation that is so sloppy! It is outright disgusting. Although I think I have truly scared away the man from attending mass. It seems maybe, I'm not exactly helping St Anthony's cause. Nevertheless, it is quite pitiful for a grown man to be afraid of a girl whose barely an adult. Yes, I'm still teetering on the edge of adulthood.

The recent problem which has prompted me to blog, thankfully, isn't him. Someone else, has found what he's been looking for and wanting after a few months. It's hard you know, to be happy for someone. The fluttering definitely has to be a fluke, because I've known him for so long, and it's just casual flirting. I know I'm suppose to be happy for him. I know I'm suppose to put on a smile and give him support. I know I'm suppose to be there if he needs a listening ear, even if it is about his relationship problems. I know I'm suppose to be doing all these, but it doesn't help the fact that it's so bloody hard to be doing these things, even when I know I should. This brings back the thoughts on seeing your friends happy with their partners. I'm suppose to be happy for them, I know. It's easy when you love them both as much. It's also much easier when they don't intentionally exclude you when they converse. It is also very much easier when you actually go out with each of them separately. But then, in the dark of the night, when you're alone in bed and your mind runs freely without the confines of work. You just wish that you had someone there to share everything with. It's easier, much easier to be happy for the couple when you're on good terms with both parties. I don't particularly like the girl, as you should have known and thus, not entirely happy for him. I'm trying, I'm trying my best to be happy for him but he really isn't making it very easy either. Or maybe it's just when they get with someone, I get chucked aside like a rag doll. Matt with Sar, Liyle with Princess, maybe it's just the insecurity coming back. And it doesn't help that we had fun just the day before, together. Life really is annoying at times isn't it? And no, I don't think the taking me away from it all wasn't in the slightest casual. When will my heart learn? Sometimes I think never. Well, on a darker note, Johnny didn't drop a note or anything. Maybe it's better this way, easier for my heart to let go than having him around and watch him let go of me.

Well, I guess that is about it. I'm definitely going to start writing again soon. Saturdays spent writing since I've got absolutely nothing else to do. This weekend, I would most likely be perched in front of the television. I do want those tickets to seeing Step Up 2. Doesn't matter whose acting, I'm sure there is bound to be at least one hot girl or guy, I'm really not asking for much. Hahas. I'm not sure if I'm going to watch the Leap Years, we might just rent the DVD. In addition, The Chronicles of Riddick. That guy is made of everything man. Hahas. Well, I guess this is about all I've got to say. I'm definitely adding to my list of things I want, my birthday is only three months and about twenty plus days away. It's never too early to buy me a present. If you change your mind after buying the first present, you can buy me the second one. It really doesn't matter! Hahas. Well, I hope by my birthday, I'll at least be over this pretty depressing part of my life. So, I'm out of here. I'm sure one of the girls are bound to come get me for lunch soon. I'll be seeing you then, thanks for stopping by and for taking time to read this. You don't know how much I appreciate it. I really do. Take care and God bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

Unfortunate Me.

Good Evening.

I just deleted the post that I had started out. Simply because there isn't any possible way to accurately phase the amount of anger bubbling up in me at the moment. You remember reading the stories where the lead actress is trembling with rage, her fists aching to hit something, crude words waiting to be spilled from her lips. Yes, that happened to me about a few minutes ago. I did, unfortunately, let slip a few words that should never be said in front of my mother. And I think, I have chain imprints on my hands from squeezing my bag handles a little too tightly. I do wish I was back there, where all this rage started from. Because trust me, he would have to be rushed to the hospital if I had rethought about what I really wanted to do with him. To hell with the accusations of assault. He's a grown man, I'm only a child barely teetering on the edge of adulthood. But no, unfortunate for the sinister side of me, I didn't inflict any bodily harm upon him or any of his relatives. Mainly, the evil hawk that insists on trying to protect him. I am tempted to go up to her one day, or maybe slip a note to her because I'm sure when she sees me coming towards her, she'll run for the hills. Even if she was wearing six inch heels. It is quite disgusting how you can even think I'd think of seducing your husband when I'd much rather seduce a rock than even be in close proximity with your husband for more than thirty seconds. And I must admit, it is becoming increasingly true how the moment I'm in close proximity with him [note: proximity not contact] I feel like I need to get away from him before I lose my mind and actually venture on my murdering rampage. Even now, I can admit I'm still trembling slightly from the rage. I'm tempted to type to him to let him know what kind of a man I think he is and that he can do the very unoriginal flyers himself. It is indeed the almost adult part of me that is restraining the little girl from stabbing him at least a million times with a blunt knife.

After what happened tonight, I really am not in the mood for anything else. Even chocolate doesn't hold the lure it did for me this afternoon, anymore. Neither does food, or the television. Not even the online games I would be indulging during the weekends. I think I would be heading to bed, and then off for work tomorrow. Maybe I can work out my frustrations. I need to get a stationary bicycle. At least then, I have something at home to let out my frustrations upon. It seems even now, writing doesn't hold much lure for me anymore. I really need to start writing again. But definitely not when I'm in this constant state of depression and fake cheerfulness. Well, maybe I should not celebrate the big two zero this year and just let it slide by me. Maybe then, I'll be able to stay nineteen forever.

Take care, and I hope you weren't disappointed with this short and miserable post. I am, unfortunately, pretty annoyed at myself for not being able to write about anything else that has happened lately. Maybe tomorrow, or another day. May God bless you, I seemingly want to force myself to give up the faith.

Amanda Loves You Always (:

My Very Own Whirlwind of Trouble.

Good Morning.

It has been a long while since I last came here to talk to you. As surprising as it sounds, my life has been thrown into more turmoil. For one, Johnny's back but he's busy now. His mother's sick and he's working to help her pay the bills, do keep her in your prayers. Although, how far that is true, I have absolutely no idea. And don't sprout the nonsense that I should trust him because frankly speaking, I don't know who I should trust anymore. Johnny, Steven, Matt. All my problems seem to stem from men, it's quite mind troubling. Another new revelation is that he has been out of service for 2 months, and I only found out last week. It's amazing he doesn't wonder why the love of his life didn't welcome him back for two whole months. He didn't even send me an e-mail until I sent him one. And no, I doubt he wasn't busy because as he said, I quote, 'been busy for the past 37days, working nonstop'. Ok, not his exact words, but I don't think 37 days is equalled to two months being busy. If you'd like to thrash this out with me, you should know my e-mail or msn or number. I'm contactable at those channels.

Lunch on Sunday went extremely well. Maybe the thought of mixing everyone at my birthday, wouldn't be so bad after all [: The food was good, the conversations were funny and I pretty much had a fun time. It really was a breath of fresh air from what I've been going through lately. I really wouldn't call it stress because I don't feel very much stressed. It's more of a frustration and restlessness. The worst part really is when I have nothing to do, or rather, the mind numbing work that leaves a whole lot of time for my mind to wander. Like now, I am feeling pretty restless. The music on my phone is playing, I've got my work set out before me, I've got more work piling up behind me. And yet, all I really want to do is go home and play a game online. Or read. Or do something equally lazy. Maybe it's because I see people taking time off, going on holiday, going out with friends, doing things they want to be doing. I don't deny that this is what I actally want to be doing. Admin work and earning money so I can help my mother. But if you've been working for a long time, at the same job, I'm sure it is about time to want to change. It is normal, isn't it? I don't really know what's what anymore. Everything is so confusing nowadays. The lines are blurring, and noone's making a stand or saying anything. Everyone's just going with the flow. I just wish it was much easier going against the flow, than going with it. Because at least then, I wouldn't have such a hard time. It takes a lot out of a person to stand up for what they want, and what they believe in. It doesn't take a person any effort to follow the crowd and go with the flow. It really is almost like swimming. It's much harder to swim against the current than to just let it pull you along. Although if you do let it pull you along for too long, you'll forget how to swim and then you may just drown and die. A pretty grim outcome as compared to swimming for all your worth and maybe getting to a safe place. I think I'll just stick to swimming against the current.

Church. AVA. Bulletin. Conflicts. Friendships. Love. Hate. So many things taking place in one little building. It's pretty amazing how the building is still standing and not worn down. My latest adventure. The AVA Team. Well, combined with the Art Team as the Art Team is currently only one person. I had my first trail yesterday. And it seems that I would probably be joining up with the Sunday, 5.30pm evening mass. Yes, I don't go for the Sunday Evening Mass do I? Well, I guess there's no time like the present to start on something new. On the bright side, one reason which I just thought of, is that I would be able to bake my cookies on Saturday or do whatever I wish because there'll be no interruptions. I just need to start leaving my house at around 3.30pm to reach church at 5.00pm to set up the computer and equipment. I really do detest staying so far away from church, it really is an extremely troublesome matter. Another matter is the flyers, which I have not heard any response from yet. I really do not know what I am going to do if he loses them. I might scream at him, I might glare at him, or maybe, I might just turn and stalk off like the spoilt brat I'm suppose to be. But that is a worry for another day. The next thing on my list, is my birthday party.

What do you do when you're pulled in two directions by yourself? You want to do something, and then are yet so sure that when you do it, you'll end up hurt. The matter really isn't that simple. There is also the problem of the expenses. I would probably still be working by the time my birthday rolls around. I just need to ensure that my May's pay isn't spent stupidly and saved up for my birthday. I don't even know if I'll have enough to go on that shopping expenditure I had wanted to give myself on my birthday. Not to mention the increasing responsibility to pay for things around the house. Sometimes, I do wish my grandparents weren't working and instead getting an income from their children. It doesn't matter anymore to me because the only thing they are paying for now, is the utility bill. That's about, two hundred a month? Ok, maybe I'm suppose to be thankful anyway. But yeah, I don't see how my mother is going to be able to cope with the increased responsibility with the same amount of pay she is getting. How am I ever going to be able to concentrate in peace? I really need to find a way out of this mess I call my life.

Ok, I've still got a whole load of unresolved issues. Birthday Invites. Furthering my Education. Serving God. Listening to my Heart. And I've only got twenty four hours in a day. I really should be very busy these few days right? Not to mention work. The reports are piling up and I'm just lagging behind slacking like there is absolutely no tomorrow. Well, I should be getting back to work. I'll come back soon, I hope. With the way my life is looking, I might be pulled into another whirlwind of problems. The only good thing is that I normally come out relatively unharm. As compared to the other occupants of the same whirlwind, I guess. So, this is me going off. Take care of yourself, and keep Johnny's mother and Aunt Veron's Brother in your prayers. They definitely need it more than me. I can strive day to day by jus avoiding anything and everything. Take care, and God bless. Till next time.

Amanda Loves You (: