Child Development

Good Afternoon.

It has been a while, since I last wrote. I have been busy as of late. Work, Fiesta, and the other less important aspects of my life which seem to be filling up my waking hours. I haven't really had much time to do anything else, I haven't touched the Organ since about two weeks ago. All this thinking of taking my language lessons, dance lessons, seem to be very distant and unreachable. Given I only have 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week and 4 weeks in a month. With work, upcoming school and Fiesta, I don't think I have enough time to squeeze in any more lessons of any nature. Aside from the lessons, I've been thinking about my year end plans. It seems she's bent on going to the US at the end of the year. And I cannot sincerely say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind. But right now, there are indeed more pressing matters to settle like my school fees and the bills. The lessons are going to have to be put on hold. As will my other interests, unfortunately.

I still haven't been writing. I must admit that I have neglected that part of my life, I really don't think I can write anymore. Fantasies of forever after, romantic sunsets and sweet nothings seem so trivial in today's world. There are so many other things that need to be worried upon, thought about, discussed, argued about. I know the world needs hope, which only love can give. But how do you prevent yourself from fully drowning in the impossibility of forever love, in the world today? Maybe I will give them a go again, next week or when I decide to pull myself away from Fiesta. Maybe when school starts, I'll have more time on my hands to review my stories.

Child development. How do you know when you're doing the best for your child? Frankly, I don't think anyone can ever say they are an expert in child upbringing. It's just simply not possible. In my opinion anyway. I don't know what you think, neither am I attempting to try and know what your thoughts on this subject is. Unless of course, you leave a comment, after reading this. It is most welcomed (: So, back to the topic. I've noticed that there are a whole lot of new programs, classes, activities for young children nowadays. How hard really, is it to notice when I've got a younger cousin who is most probably going for at least 25% of the classes suggested by the media, institution or word of mouth? Do parents see this as helping their child develop or as putting more pressure on their child? I know many might say that it's in a way, helping your child to develop. Developing the left brain, developing the right brain, exposure to the arts, early exposure to subjects to put the child ahead of others in school. Are these really necessary? Sure, the syllabus for schools have changed drastically and expanded beyond normal requirement. Is it necessary for parents to put excessive pressure on their children to learn even more outside the bounds of the normal requirement? I admit, learning never ends. Even if you're 100 and almost dying. I don't ever want to stop learning. Because when you do, it means your brain stops working to it's full potential and you are essentially just taking up space. But when is it enough? As we go through Tertiary education, we normally tend to study outside the subject requirements. Simply because it would give us an advantage when it comes to examinations. But as children, toddlers not even of 5 yet, is studying beyond the subject requirement really necessary? How much of a pre school exam paper requires the examinees to quote other theories, or explain in abstract terms? None that I currently know of. What would I do when I eventually decide to settle down and have children? Most probably send them for classes that I've always been dying to go for. And if and when they want to stop, it will be a viable option to them. Yes, maybe that is what I will do.

I am still waiting for UOL to reply to my application. If they have not replied by tonight, I'll give them a call on Wednesday. I'm sure they will be able to tell me if they have sent out a reply or not. Nevertheless, the orientation is this coming Thursday. I'm only pretty excited to be choosing my own timetable. Hopefully, against whatever odds there are, I'll be able to get the time slots that I want x) I will update you further, when I get my reply. Hopefully I will get it soon, very soon.

My birthday is coming, I'm turning 20 soon. It's quite scary actually. I'm finally hitting my early twenties. Next up, the thirties xP I'm going to update my wishlist, so feel free to buy accordingly, if you wish. Otherwise, I'm sure you know me well enough. Nevertheless, it is always the thought that counts! Currently though, if you want to help, you can start by praying that she will be able to make it for the party. Give her a freak time table if it has to come to that, please please please. I want her there, and I don't care if she's working or if she needs the money. I am evil, I don't care.

Well, I really should get going. Off to update my wishlist, and I'll be back soon. Hopefully sooner than next week or even next month. See you soon! And thank you for dropping by!

Amanda Loves You (:

The whirlwind of life.

Good afternoon.

I should make blogging a daily activity. I should think it might help with easing the stress of life, especially in times when I'm in dire need of a friend. A listening ear. Just someone, anyone. I don't know what's happening, I really don't. Everything's almost happening too fast, or too extremely slow that I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do. The worst part has to be the feelings. They are mostly fleeting, but when they come, the disastrous wake they leave behind, are becoming too much for me to handle on my own, and there isn't anyone else I can turn to for help. No one, at all.

For two nights in a row, I've laid in bed and cried for no apparent reason. Maybe there are reasons, I'm just not bothering to address them. And when sleep came, it was the only opportunity for me to laugh and actually be happy. It's funny how much I rely on my alternate life, alternate universes. I woke up almost on time today, and turned on my side and tried to go back to sleep. It's quite scary how I rather be immersed in my dreams than live my own life. I haven't talked to steven today, simply because he's not online. So many times, I wish I was there instead of here. They're just a phone call away, a short bus ride away, within possible walking distance. I wonder if Matthew will take me in, I'll offer to take care of his daughter and his father. Sometimes, I'll do almost anything to get away from this place. And trust me, it's scary.

The wedding is this Thursday. I can't believe I'm even thinking if I should go or not. I always thought I was more of the 'I'll go because you're my friend, and it doesn't matter who you've invited or who I see at the wedding, I'll be there, simply because I'm your friend' but now, I don't know. It's almost like a choice between my sanity and, friendship. It should be a pretty easy choice since I don't have my sanity anymore, but yes, I'm still thinking about the decision. I have a back up plan. I just, need to pull myself together to excute it. I hope it goes according to plan A, then plan B doesn't need to be excuted but, we can't always have what we want can we? Although I do, sincerely wish, plan B doesn't need to be used. Nevertheless, here's to wishing the Bride and, Groom all the best.

Life's too short to be crying over men all the time. That's true isn't it? I don't think I'm going to ask Matt to come play Fiesta anymore. It's not like I'll ever have the time or be lucky enough to play with him. I might as well spare myself the pain, and the tears. And maybe I should stick to my previous, commitment. My heart's mine, until I'm old enough to know better to give it away. I guess it doesn't matter that among all my friends, I'm the only one that is still single. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be eh? After all, there are a whole lot of other things that require my attention. My stories, My playing, My blog, My studies. Who really has the time to waste on a boy? Not me. And I believe if I say it enough times, it just might come true. I ain't got the time.

Work is a little dull at the moment. Everyone is out for lunch, and I'm not eating, again. I'm not trying to lose weight, well, not using this method anyway. I was sick this morning. The cramps were horrible and I was on the verge of crying, or screaming, or kicking something, or hitting someone, or just doing anything to release the pain. The rasor crossed my mind, but I was at work. A lil hard to cover up the bleeding. Well, my stomach has settled down. The disgusting taste of vomit is still lingering, drinking a lot of water is helping. But I don't trust it, not yet anyway. Hence I'm not eating. It'll be ok, so don't worry. There's almost nothing that can happen to me; someone always ruins the plans. So, there's nothing to worry about here, carry on. I'm going to be doing my report soon, before I need to return to shreding of the Medical Certificates. It's a pretty tiresome job, but it gives me some time to think quietly.

Well, I guess I should get going. There really is nothing else I've got to add. Mummy sent me to work this morning, so no travelling news to report. Aside from the fact that I detest the metal machines that takes away money from me. Why! Why! Why! I don't know, but we still need to pay anyhow. So, I'm going back to listening music and stoning. I'll type back soon. Probably tomorrow, or Friday. Since I wouldn't be going to work on Friday. Need to hurry comlete my UOL application. It'll be pretty stupid if I go for the SIM orientation and I haven't been accepted into UOL yet huh? Ok, the SNMs are back, so I'm gone. Take care, and thank you for coming here!

Amanda Loves You (:

An update, before everything returns to as it was before.

Good Afternoon.

It's been a pretty hectic afternoon. I currently have a headache and I feel like dying. Life isn't worth living anymore. So yes, it has been an extremely long time since I've blogged. 21st April, it's like eons ago. When I had a different life, worrying about different things, thinking about different things, doing different things, thinking about different people, watching different shows, talking about different things. Don't ask me if then was better then now, because I can't go back to the past, so I suppose, the future would, hopefully be better. Because you know, I'll be there soon, hopefully.

I'm still working at the same institution. Doing more or less the same things. Seeing more or less of the same people. I've been working here for almost, ten months and four days. Not counting when my contract started, because that would cut down the figure by about 2 months or so. And very soon, hopefully, I'll be free from here to continue my path in the world. University.

I haven't, as of today, yet submitted my application to UOL. As many would know, the reason is simply because I haven't thought about what to say in my application, under the section of 'Reasons for wanting to study this particular course at University'. My first attempt, was badly written and I am throughly ashamed of it. Hence, the reason why I can't seem to find it anywhere. On paper or somewhere in the corners of my mind. It seems to have vanished into thin air, not that I'm actually complaining. I just need, a starting point, to get myself started. A hundred words shouldn't be an obstacle for a writer, but do I consider myself a writer anymore?

I haven't written in about three months. Adrian, Heidi, Paige, Patty, Catherine, Gregory, they are all waiting and waiting and waiting for something to happen in their lives. I really should start writing again shouldn't I? I haven't even got 20 reviews on Will You Stay? It is a little heartbreaking, but I shouldn't let that stop me, should I? I will start, the next time I'm bored with Fiesta. Or when I need to get away from it all. I'll write, I promise. But that was what I said about my playing, oh so not long ago.

I've started playing the organ. Yes, I smile when I play. Even if the song reminds me of our times in the deserted Church hall. Sitting beside you, leaning against you, the soft melody, the harsh light amidst the darkness. The smiles, the gentle touches. You stopped me from playing, and yet, you were the reason I started playing again. It's amazing what one person can evoke in another. The power of love, or the power of a person? Feelings or thoughts? I should start again tonight. Our song, it'll always be the last song I'll play. Simply because.

Something else I have been occupied with has to be Fiesta. Only two days, and I'm hooked. Nevertheless, I'm sticking by my weekend only rule. University is starting, and I don't intend to screw myself over again. Or let anyone else do it for that matter. Whole load of drama happening, but that is left to the secrecy of my bedroom because they aren't mine to be told. Aside from that, it's almost back to the men in my life again. New additions, guys leaving, and the rest, staying undercover as they have been since forever.

Steven's found his girl. I'm happy for him and yet, I'm still afraid of losing him. Maybe I really am afraid of loneliness. Having no one at the end of the day, no one when you need a shoulder to cry on, no one when you need a ear to rant to, no one to hug you and tell you it's going to be all right when all you feel like doing is crying. But I've got the little voice in my head, not that it has been especially kind to me recently. The dreams are, tiring, to say the least. Anyway, Matt's still MIA as usual. If he's not MIA, he's playing SoF. Yes, I am feeling neglected. I recently started talking to Hamm. I said I missed him, and then he replied me. I think he's been busy with work and God knows what else. Still playing SoF, as faithful as ever. I wish I had a guy as faithful as him to me. Johnny still hasn't replied me, and I've probably given up hope on ever talking to him ever again. Maybe it wasn't meant to be aye? And then, there's the new guy. Steven's already sighing over me, was doing it the entire morning. I think he's secretly glad we're not related. As of now, I haven't told anyone because there's no one to tell. I guess it's just time for me to take the old route or waiting out and see. I might update the situation, but don't get too hopeful. I'm trying not to be too hopeful.

It's funny how both the songs I'm listening to, are similar yet different. 'Melt the snow' by Shane Ward and 'Crushed' by Rosette. I'm not sure if you've heard of either, but if you type in the song name, you should be able to find the lyrics. They are pretty nice lyrics, and a perfect balm for a romantic soul like mine. Talking about romance, I'm currently waiting on Jess for The Notebook CD. I can't say how many times I'm going to watch it, because I really don't know. But I'm sure, it's definitely going to be more than twenty times. And I'm even more certain that I'll cry during every show. It's just that romantic and moving.

Well, I guess this concludes the post. I've decided to go back to how I started this blog. One post everyday, or as often as I can. I can't promise that it'll be irrelevant conversations I had, or stray thoughts that pop up while I'm on my way to work, but I can promise you that it will definitely revolve around me. After all, that was why I created the blog no? Anyway, I don't want to fall back into that depressive cycle, the razors, the tears, the blood. I'll keep the tears, because I love it when it rains. But everything else has got to go. A girl's got to move on with her life, to bigger, and definitely better things. I don't think anyone has found this blog yet, but I'm perfectly content with talking to no one about myself. Takes the stress off trying to not say something wrong and offending someone.

Anyway! I really should be going. Do leave a comment, if you're a frequent reader. I won't be waiting for the comment because it probably will never come, but it's ok! So, I am off. Thanks for dropping by and I hope you had your entertainment for the day! See you soon, hopefully again, before the week ends.

Amanda Loves You! (:

Teardrops on my guitar

Teardrops on my guitar

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

that I want and I'm needing everything that we should be

I bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about

and she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's just so funny

That I can't even see anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right

Wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?

And there he goes, so perfectly, the kind of flawless I wish I could be

She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love

Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light

I'll put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

He's the time taken up, but there's never enough

And he's all that I need to fall into

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

Good afternoon.

I've decided to colour code my post today. Ok, maybe not colour code but add some colour into my posts. I have realized that they are relatively dull. So, the song. Teardrops on my guitar. Yes, it is my current obsession. There really is nothing much to say about it, I'm sure the words say it all. Another reason why I can't talk much about it is because I need to get my ass into the shower. We're going out, again. So I need to clean myself before I go out. I managed three lines in my story, which was a big feat considering I didn't know how to continue. This writer's block is getting increasingly annoying. Well, I should be off. If you want the song, let me know, I can send it to you! Well, really need to run. I'll try and post soon! *hugs*

Amanda Loves You! (:

Spring cleaning before a new month.

Good evening.

Yes, another change in font. Actually, I didn't change the font. I just didn't change it to the one I normally use. I'm still trying to find a fond I'm comfortable seeing. I have not yet started on my next posting chapter for "Will You Stay?" and it is annoying the living day lights out of me, trust me. So it is almost the end of the weekend. Another hour or so before I jump into bed. Going to be waking up early tomorrow to go buy breakfast in Chinatown with mummy. Hopefully the kaya shop is open, otherwise, we'll just have to look else where for breakfast. I haven't actually done much this weekend. I went back to work yesterday morning. It is, unfortunately, once again the end of the month which means that reports are due. And since, my dateline which is on the 5th is a Saturday, my dateline has been shifted up to the 4th. Yes, a day makes a whole lot of difference. Anyhow, I'm going to try my best and hit the deadline. Going to be a whole lot of calling out and running around tomorrow, I must remember to not wear heels. The rest of Saturday was spent watching movies, reading FanFiction and generally doing nothing. I didn't even touch my book because then I would be neglecting my computer. I can't do that now, can I? This morning, Sunday morning, I was suppose to have gone for breakfast with my mother and grandmother but we all slept in. Resulting in a late lunch and then off to church. After which, I have successfully cleared the table beside my bed! More space for my shoes, well, not exactly actually. Only one more shoe, any volunteers to buy me that last pair of shoes?

In the process of clearing, I found a few scribbles of stories to be continue. Quotes to be read, typed in and remembered. Lists for various things I needed to get done. Mostly junk, but at least now I'm not housing them anymore. Out they go! But here are a few quotes and meaningful words. I was sourcing them to be put up in my blog, the one for me and J. Yes, my supposedly eternal paradise. The only hope I have now with him, is that he's still alive and happy. Can true love really overcome everything? Even the horrors of war?

Happiness is something very special,

you can't buy it

you can't sell it

but you can share it with that someone special.

being unhappy, sad and hurt is just the process

happiness is the destination

happiness is like a butterfly which,

when pursued,

is always beyond your grasp.

but if you will sit down quietly,

may alight upon you

only love can hurt your heart

fill you with desire and tear you apart

only love can make you cry

and only love knows why

if you're not ready to cry

if you're not ready to take the risk

if you're not ready to feel the pain

than you're not ready to fall in love

every time we do, we get hurt

then i figured that's why it's called

falling in love.

Three quotes on happiness, and the last one on love. What did you think? I don't know what to think anyone, on this topic anyway. Giving up seems so childish and throwing oneself into loveless relationships seem so immature. How do you do something, without changing who you are at the same time? I am, at this point in time, pretty much willingly to let go of any passing emotions I am feeling until the dust settles and I chart another path for myself. Not seeing certain people, have definitely helped. Maybe I might decide in on an occasional flirting session but my heart's going to be locked up for a while. The key is hopefully going to be with me for longer this time. So far, I've only kept it for over a year and this time, maybe, I'm thinking to at least 2 or 3 years. Yes, after I outgrow this adolescent age.

It is currently, 9.02pm. I think I should log off, and go cuddle in bed with a book or something. Weird dreams have been plaguing me. If they weren't resulting in me waking up more tired than I was before, I would've gladly dreamt them up. So, hopefully the dreams diminish a little. Or at least, revitalise rather than tire me out. Thanks for dropping by again. I should be changing the quotes and layout of this blog soon. Or maybe I should do it now, for a while, before I sleep. Well, thanks for dropping by! Do take care of yourself and I will try and regulate my blog posts. God bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

Will we ever find true love?

Good Morning.

Yes, I'm yawning away and yet I am still here. No, I didn't attend the Easter Vigil and yes, I just watched "The Notebook" again. I was bored I suppose, and decided to see if the DVD could work on my laptop. Apparently it does. I'm crying by the way, if you are interested to know. I didn't count the number of times I cried during the movie, because if I watched it again, I know I'd cry again. Maybe at the same parts, maybe at different parts. No one is taking count right? So there really wasn't a need to keep track, when no one else does. The only thing or rather, person, that didn't change was the one who I thought about during the movie. It's still Johnny. I don't know why, I really don't. I chalked it up to the uniform and then moved it on to the way he talked. After which, I moved it on to the accent which is only slightly similar after further and deeper contemplation. Or maybe that was how I pictured him being. The way he walked, the way he worked, the way he loved. I still remember the dreams we made together, during the late nights I stayed up with him. Or the late nights he stayed up with me. The wishes, vows and promises we made. The endless declarations of love. And then, watching the movie made me think about what we were all about.

We never even saw each other before. Pictures never really do their owners any favours do they? We never went out on a date. We never held hands. We never hugged. We never looked at the stars at the same time. We were never less than 10 miles away from each other. If it's true love though, does the distance matter? I don't think it would have, because it didn't matter to me then. What would've happened if he never left, or if I never acknowledged my traitorous heart. Would I be talking to him now? Just laughing and being content just talking with him? Would I watch the show and then tell him how much I missed him and how much I love him? Or would these thoughts still cross my mind, about true love, and if that was what happened between us.

Does the desire to be in love make us blind to what is actually happening before us? I think I do want to fall in love again. To have the feeling of utter happiness. Utter contentment with life. To never want to stop smiling because someone loves me. But that just makes me want what I had before, because the future is too far away. This growing old and being tired really is beginning to annoy me. Hence I cannot ignore the fact that my brain has shut down and that I need the much desired rest my body requires. Maybe I'll delve into this again another day. Or maybe, everything that is running through my mind right now shall stay there. Maybe one day, one day I'll figure all this out and be able to smile always. But for now, it's toddles. The bed beckons and my mind retreats.

Amanda Loves You (:

Revelation of the heart.

Good Morning.

Yes, I decided to change my font. I thought it would be a nice change. I'm going to be typing after this post. It's about time I started working on my stories. I guess it doesn't matter if no one reads them, or if no one leaves reviews after reading them. Writing gives me a kind of freedom to do things, I might probably never do in real life. There's something out there that gives us all a unique sense of freedom which nothing else in the world can replicate. Before starting on this post, I actually had a post already written out. It was choppy and very much just spilled out like water sloshing out of a bucket. Carelessly and without much thought. So I thought I'd change the font and take a different approach. After all, mother just left for work, and I've got all the silence in the world to contemplate about what I really want to say. That and what has been weighing on my mind ever since so long ago.

First and foremost, I finished a three movie marathon with my mother earlier this evening. Gabriel, The Notebook and Underdog. It was truly a thrilling ride, just from the changes in the genres of the movies we had watched. I admit, the only reason I picked out Gabriel was because I have this sudden fascination with the history of the Church. Everything in the synopsis talking about the seven Fallen Angels and seven Arc Angels made the movie a definite choice when we were picking out movies. The first thing that struck me about the movie when it started was the number of curse words flying out of the actors' mouths. Only after I looked at the case cover did I realize it was a M18 movie. Well, it's a good thing I'm way past my eighteenth birthday. The twist to the story was not something I had expected although it was predicted by mummy nearing the end of the movie. That's what happens when you're not in a movie theatre, you can speculate out loud about what you think is going to happen and there's no one around to shush you. Plus, not being in a cinema theatre erases the guilt one would have when talking out loud during a movie. I would tell you the twist here but if you are really that interested, I suggest you borrow the movie. And please, watch it with an open mind if you are a religious person. Don't sue me if you don't agree with the movie, I wasn't the one that insisted on the movie being made and I didn't force the movie upon your eyes or your mind.

The Notebook. I've heard a million and one stories about the movie, and the book. I've missed it about twice on Channel5 but I did catch the ending of it once. And that was enough to make me want to watch the movie. The last time, when I only caught the ending of the movie, the reason I didn't want to watch it wasn't because I didn't have enough time. Or that I would have rather played a game on the computer. It was simply, because just watching the trailers on television made me think of Johnny. I didn't really know what it was about. And yet, it made me think of Johnny. It was a few weeks ago, or maybe a month ago in February. When I just found out Johnny was back from Iraq and he still hadn't tried to contact me. Still, watching it today made me think of him. I wonder, if whatever happened between us was even something. I think I did though. I did love him because if I didn't, I wouldn't have agreed to the relationship. And yet it was different from all the previous relationships. There were the butterflies, the silly smiles, the declarations of love but the only thing missing was the overflowing and overpowering sensation of love when I was with him. I felt happy, I felt contented but I didn't feel like I could never live without him. Look at how I coped when he left, without so much as a goodbye kiss. I smiled at his picture, I prayed nightly for him, I hugged my pillow and thought of him. But after a while, it just felt like he had left and there wasn't much of a big deal. Even seeing him online while at war, talking to Chris, waiting up for him. It seemed more like a chore you'd do without complaining but if you had a choice, you'd rather not do it. And then, there were days I'd cling to the idea of being in his arms again. To hear him say he still loved me. To believe that he never left and that it was all a dream I was going to wake up from. There are still days when I wish I could ignore the soft whispers my heart emits and just fall back into trying to fall in love with Johnny again. To pout, to whine, to frown just to hear him say he loves me. To blush, to giggle, to smile when he told me how beautiful I looked. To just fall back into the routine of being in a relationship. The silly smiles during the day when you think no one is looking, the way your world is perfect the moment he comes online, the overwhelming feeling of contentment when you're talking to him. And I don't know, I don't know if I want to go back to that when I could just move on. There is still that flame with him that I haven't explored and I know I do. I want to see how it could be if I had waited, just one day, for him to tell me he loved me and that he wanted me by his side instead of being with Johnny. And with almost everything crashing down around me, I'm not sure if I can wait for him without losing my mind or giving up on my heart. So I wrote Johnny a letter. A short message telling him I missed him and that, that I think I still love him. We will see how things go from here, and then maybe I'll decide. Or maybe, maybe I'll just try and be by myself.

Another unexpected punch to the gut or heart, would be my sudden realization today. That maybe, I might've actually loved someone who never knew I did. After all, I did tell him I didn't love him and would probably never, ever, love him in the way he claimed to love me. But it is in the past now, he's in my past now. It really doesn't matter how much I want to walk up to him and tell him I didn't mean half the things I said and apologize or how I wish he'd be true to his word and force me to talk to him until I bared my soul because he's in my past. The past that I'm so desperately trying to leave behind. So you might be wondering why I am bringing this up now when I want to leave him in the past. It was because I spent a hour and a half staring at him. Initially it was simply to get under his nerves and maybe make him realize what he's lost when he took her word over mine or when he didn't have enough faith in me. And then I realized that I would never get to hug him again. I would never get to call him just for the fun of it. I would never get to try and jump on him just for the fun of it. I would never get to do all the things I wanted to do or see with him. The Sunday afternoon conversations. The early morning conversations that left me laughing and him, clueless. Maybe then I did realize that the day I went to Nick's place for a CNY celebration. I would've said yes, if he had asked me to be his again. But, it's all in the past now. And since I am desperately trying to let go of my past, I should stop staring at him just to annoy him shouldn't I? Maybe there are things that are meant to stay in the past, never to be brought up again. Maybe what we could have had should never be thought about again. Simply because out of all the times we reached that fork in the road, I always chose the friendship path and you never objected. It is for the best that what we had is left in the past, because now, I know you'd never look at me the same way again.

It hurts knowing someone who left you, is over you. The only way it can get worse is if you realize you're still in love with him. No, I'm not still in love with him. The one that broke my heart over his mother's. I did realize though that I hate his new hairstyle. The mop on his head that he calls his hair doesn't even look in anyway flattering to him. Or maybe, just maybe, I prefer my guys clean cut and tousled. The only reason he's getting blog time is the fact that it hurt, when Jessica pointed out that maybe he doesn't care about what happened anymore. I mean, maybe I should've realized he was just a boy when he ended it and that, it really was never going to work between us. It's just, some wounds cut too deep and will never fully heal. No, I deleted the e-mail the day I sent him a thank you card after I started seeing Johnny. I figured, he didn't have a right to make me feel worthless anymore. Because if anyone who does make you feel worthless, really isn't worth your time or love. But the words wouldn't leave, the imprint is still on my mind. And unfortunately, it haunts me sometimes in the dark when the silence gets too much or the thoughts get too wild. This is enough blog space for him, I think. This chapter is closing. It has been closed since two years ago and I really should stop adding words to it. Sometimes, the more you write, the worse it gets. So, the next time I see you, forgive me if I scoff and turn my gaze. Knowing the way you lie so easily, is something I never believed until now.

It seems that today's post is mostly dedicated to the boys in my life. Well, they weren't all boys. Some of them are actually men, grown up mature men. There is someone else I would like to include here, but I don't think it is worth the effort. After all, I don't get anymore bad memories when I look at him. At least now, I can look at him and smile. For all the times he's made me smile. Maybe in another life, or another time, or another day, we could be friends. Possibly even lovers. But from here till then, we'll just be nothing more than strangers. And I'll treat you as nothing more than very appreciated eye candy. After all, wasn't that how I met you anyway?

The next big thing on my list of things to think about is my birthday. I did put forth the question on inviting her, or not. No names, not yet anyway. It's really nothing personal or has anything to do with NicholasCheang, although I do admit he does play a small tiny role in this, it's just I'm just learning how to stand up for myself and you're the first stand I'm taking. There was always the conflict there. Sure, we might've started out on opposite ends of the line and then ended up on the same side, almost glued together. That doesn't erase the fact you ditched us for a boy. Or how you lied to my face for him, for no apparent reason. The worst was cheating on the one person who possibly loved you more than life itself. I've never kept anything from you. I stood up for you against others. I did all I could for you, because I treasured you as a friend. Look at what I got in return. Sure, we're not suppose to expect anything in return when we do something for others. But I wasn't expecting you to hurt the people around me; the way they never hurt you. For all the memories we had, for all the pictures we took, for all the promises we made, for all the hugs we shared, I'm leaving them all behind. Maybe one day, one day I'd confront my demons and accept you for who you are and what you've done. But until then, I thank you for the times you've made me smile when I was down. The times when you've tried your best to cheer me up. The times you've made me glad I had a friend in you. Now, you're in my past. The past I'm trying to let go of.

It seems like a truth session. Everything spilling out; everything revealing itself. It feels good though. At least now, I know what I'm trying to do with my life. I'm already trying my best to smile daily and I hope that it will help on my outlook on life. There are a whole load of things that are going to be happening in the next few weeks. The University applications for one. It is almost going to be set in stone that I need to go back to CJC to get my certificates stamped and certified to be true copies. I am still at a loss for what to write for my three hundred word essay and not to mention, I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to apply for in NUS and NTU seeing as how they have the top three courses option. Despite this, I hope it will work out in the end. Even a small glimmer of hope can give rise to the blossoming of love. Ok, maybe not the exact quote about hope to be sprouting but what can I do when my brain is slowly shutting down? I guess it is back to less, brain stressing activities. I will blog again. Almost definitely when I am at home because I realized that I can not stand the computer I have at work. The keyboard is much to old and the keys hardly function properly anymore. I much prefer words to come out when I type and not gibberish that no one, not even myself, can understand. So before I do, I'd like to thank you for dropping by to take a read at my blog. Do leave a comment, so at least I know that I'm not the only one reading this blog. Take care of yourself, and God Bless!

Amanda Loves You (:

A broken heart can be broken again.

Good Afternoon.

You know, I've actually considered starting each post with 'Dear Diary' but then it'll make you look like a moron reading someone else's diary hence I'm sticking with a simple greeting. I must admit that this is the first time I'm not all that willing to divulge what has been bothering me. I know for certain, I think, that the parties involved aren't aware of the existence of this blog. I guess I just don't want to relive the emotions by retelling the story. I have a pretty vivid imagination and memory, unfortunately. But as simple as it has been stated on my post title, a broken heart can be broken again. It seems that I have been going through a whole load of cliche break up phases. Not mainly for myself because as you would have realized already, I hardly ever take my own advice. Although I think that's changing, already. For one, I've refused to cry. It's not really simply because I'm at work because there are public toilets where I could take refuge in. I figure it's because I've simply done enough crying over men and their idiotic nature. I didn't cry over the last guy, I don't see why I should cry over one when there wasn't a stable relationship to begin with. I can't deny the fact, that my heart has been broken. Because it is broken, fractured into a million pieces that will cut when handled without care. A broken heart still carries on beating just the same. That's true, because I'm still alive.

Another day till confession tomorrow night. I'm not excited nor thrilled to be seeing certain people, and just a few hours before, I thought I had the best memory to have me smiling through the night. I don't think I really blame Steven for laying the bomb on me, but I do wish it wasn't true. I still have not yet decided on my course of action. It's between blocking him permanently or just ignoring him blatantly. I'm dying inside for him to tell me it isn't true and that he meant every word he ever said to me. And I'm afraid of asking him. There is still the 50% chance that it isn't true, and every thing's he has ever said to me was simply because I said it first. Now that would totally suck, wouldn't it? I'm sure it would. But I think I am working on not crying too much anymore. I hope this time, I manage to do it. I do pray, that no one else tries to melt my heart anymore.

Well, I'm not entirely in the mood to blog hence I'm cutting it short here. Maybe I will blog again when I'm in a better mood and definitely happier. Thanks for stopping by, for whatever reason you did. Take care and God bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

To be a Fallen Angel.

Good afternoon.

It's merely half an hour after twelve, and I'm already feeling bored and dejected. It might have something to do with what happened yesterday, and the day before. Or maybe, it's just me, as it always has been. So before this post I was doing some research. Or more like, reading up on what I actually feel I am to be. A fallen angel. It still baffles me how the term came about or even how I knew about it. And it doesn't matter how often I sit in silence and think back of when I started using the term, I have yet to realize where I poached the term from. Nevertheless, the term has been swept under the rug for the past year or so. As you might know, I've taken to being The Little Girl. I think I am really afraid to grow up. To be like the adults that I can hardly tolerate anymore. Maybe I do have something against authority. I think I do listen better to my peers, as opposed to listening to my seniors. Anyhow, I think I'm reverting back. It seems a few years hasn't really erased the pain, the tears or the scars. A Fallen Angel is an angel that has been exiled or banished from Heaven. Such banishment is a punishment for disobeying or rebelling against God. According to some traditions, fallen angels will roam the earth until Judgment Day, when they will be banished to Hell. Yes, all of that, I copied from Wikipedia. It has definitely been my site for quotes, as of late. Either that, or Dictionary.com. I actually do feel that I've met most of the conditions of what fallen angels actually are. Although I highly doubt I was an angel to begin with. Disobedience. I'm almost likely to have displayed that in my recent interaction with some people in church. Rebelling. I think I might have definitely done that a few years ago, with it came to the Youth Group. I don't know what I'm suppose to feel though. It doesn't really have a section on what Fallen Angels are meant to do. Aside from roaming the earth until Judgment day comes where we'd just be banished to Hell. But what do I really feel now? Anger, for the most part. I mean, surely preaching the bible would at least ensure one in actually practising. Unless of course, that's an assumption that really, shouldn't be made at all. Maybe fallen angels were banished from Heaven, does it mean that they're not to be accepted at all? I don't know, because frankly, I haven't met someone who has needed my acceptance yet. It seems I'm the one whose always in need of acceptance. And I guess, maybe the people who disregard acceptance are those who've always needed acceptance but never received it and have already given up on ever receiving acceptance and hence have started to disregard it. Would I ever turn out to be like that? I wonder, every minute, every day. I received a quote this morning, via the Inspire Me quotes I receive daily. It is my Mother Theresa. I'm sure most of you might know her. So here is the quote, "There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread". And I've been asking myself ever since I read that quote. Is it really appreciating that I want; rather than praise and acknowledgement? But maybe they are actually the same. Praising and acknowledging done by someone in essence is appreciating what that person has done, is it not? No, I don't believe in that. I know. Praising and acknowledging doesn't mean appreciating. It is just a means for other people to know what one person has done. Appreciating what someone has done, doesn't require everyone else in the vicinity to know what that person has done. It's purely an action or a few simple words between one person and another. The only similarity between appreciation and praise and acknowledge is that you aren't suppose to expect it. I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't do a whole lot of other things, but that doesn't stop me doesn't it? Maybe I should just humor myself and round all this up to him being a chauvinistic male pig who doesn't have a heart. At least I can still smile in spite of everything has was not done.

I did digress didn't I? So a fallen angel it is. Good Friday is coming up; which means confession is next Friday. Every confession I've gone for, every sin I've confessed, sometimes I wonder if I do mean it. Especially with regards to my own father, or even the people around me. Yes, I've left behind the past church and it's quarrels. I still can't let go of the scars on my heart, unfortunately. Anyone can recommend a heart mender? I have a heart that needs mending. Although that really isn't the reason I'm dreading confession. It's the thought of seeing everyone gathered at church. There's Ben. And then there's Elvin. I saw him last Friday at Stations of the Cross. Didn't look at him; his girlfriend was there. Don't exactly want to go down the same road of getting accused of a stupid intention that I didn't actually mean. I think it'll be all right though. He's too worried about his girlfriend to actually try and speak to me again. And Ben's too worried about his friendship status to talk to me. It's funny how the situations I put myself in, there's no one but me who can pull me out. It's quite funny really. At least, on the possible bright side is that I'll be seeing Steffi and Gen. Colleen, maybe. Her brothers are still avoiding me; not that the whole youth choir isn't. I highly doubt Jess would be there; I haven't spoken to her in a while. She's probably busy playing Fiesta. It seems everyone is good at something, aside from me. Unless you count screwing yourself over an activity to be proud of being good at. Great, the depression bug strikes again. I really don't think anyone reads this blog anymore. I really am much too depressing for myself. So, I should be off. Maybe the next time I drop by, I'll have happier news to announce. Or maybe by then, it'll already be Easter. I'll let you know what happens this Friday, and maybe on Easter Vigil as well.

If anyone is reading this, thanks for like, dropping by and reading this junk that I'm sprouting out. I should get going. Take care; and God Bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

Knowing is easier than doing.

Good Afternoon.

Yes, it is almost lunch but I haven't gone up yet. I might try to finish this post before I go for lunch because I am going to be pretty busy after lunch. Another new assignment regarding the orientation forms. It really is truly beginning to be a hassle. But I must admit, having more things on my plate again is helping with pushing me off the slacking corner. So, my reason for posting is, definitely not uncommon to me. My last post was about church wasn't it? Now, it's another part of my life, in conjunction with church, as usual.

I must insist that the leader of the group has proven himself to be another pain in the behind. No, you wouldn't know his name unless you're a close friend. Especially not after what happened the last time. This is indeed my blog, and I'm not violating any rules, since none of you know his name. Back to the group leader, he is an inconsiderate, intentionally stupid and whipped man. I don't understand how anyone can trust him to do anything when everything he does, is only done half past six! I'm sure his mother didn't instill in him the proper manner of doing something to the best of his ability. Because truly, I don't doubt his ability. I only doubt his heart. How can someone do something that's so sloppy and actually have the face to show it up during Mass? Even I, who have only been in this group for over a month is ashamed! If I had not yet joined the group, when I see the slides, I wouldn't have wanted to join for fear of having my name pulled through the mud at how horribly the slides are done! It really isn't that hard to make the words the same font and size, it essentially the first thing one learns, or does even in face of a blocked mind. I truly don't understand how his mind works. I don't care if it's my mind whose more complicated, or if he's got a smarter mind thus working in ways I know not of, how can anyone, in their right mind, show a PowerPoint presentation that is so sloppy! It is outright disgusting. Although I think I have truly scared away the man from attending mass. It seems maybe, I'm not exactly helping St Anthony's cause. Nevertheless, it is quite pitiful for a grown man to be afraid of a girl whose barely an adult. Yes, I'm still teetering on the edge of adulthood.

The recent problem which has prompted me to blog, thankfully, isn't him. Someone else, has found what he's been looking for and wanting after a few months. It's hard you know, to be happy for someone. The fluttering definitely has to be a fluke, because I've known him for so long, and it's just casual flirting. I know I'm suppose to be happy for him. I know I'm suppose to put on a smile and give him support. I know I'm suppose to be there if he needs a listening ear, even if it is about his relationship problems. I know I'm suppose to be doing all these, but it doesn't help the fact that it's so bloody hard to be doing these things, even when I know I should. This brings back the thoughts on seeing your friends happy with their partners. I'm suppose to be happy for them, I know. It's easy when you love them both as much. It's also much easier when they don't intentionally exclude you when they converse. It is also very much easier when you actually go out with each of them separately. But then, in the dark of the night, when you're alone in bed and your mind runs freely without the confines of work. You just wish that you had someone there to share everything with. It's easier, much easier to be happy for the couple when you're on good terms with both parties. I don't particularly like the girl, as you should have known and thus, not entirely happy for him. I'm trying, I'm trying my best to be happy for him but he really isn't making it very easy either. Or maybe it's just when they get with someone, I get chucked aside like a rag doll. Matt with Sar, Liyle with Princess, maybe it's just the insecurity coming back. And it doesn't help that we had fun just the day before, together. Life really is annoying at times isn't it? And no, I don't think the taking me away from it all wasn't in the slightest casual. When will my heart learn? Sometimes I think never. Well, on a darker note, Johnny didn't drop a note or anything. Maybe it's better this way, easier for my heart to let go than having him around and watch him let go of me.

Well, I guess that is about it. I'm definitely going to start writing again soon. Saturdays spent writing since I've got absolutely nothing else to do. This weekend, I would most likely be perched in front of the television. I do want those tickets to seeing Step Up 2. Doesn't matter whose acting, I'm sure there is bound to be at least one hot girl or guy, I'm really not asking for much. Hahas. I'm not sure if I'm going to watch the Leap Years, we might just rent the DVD. In addition, The Chronicles of Riddick. That guy is made of everything man. Hahas. Well, I guess this is about all I've got to say. I'm definitely adding to my list of things I want, my birthday is only three months and about twenty plus days away. It's never too early to buy me a present. If you change your mind after buying the first present, you can buy me the second one. It really doesn't matter! Hahas. Well, I hope by my birthday, I'll at least be over this pretty depressing part of my life. So, I'm out of here. I'm sure one of the girls are bound to come get me for lunch soon. I'll be seeing you then, thanks for stopping by and for taking time to read this. You don't know how much I appreciate it. I really do. Take care and God bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

Unfortunate Me.

Good Evening.

I just deleted the post that I had started out. Simply because there isn't any possible way to accurately phase the amount of anger bubbling up in me at the moment. You remember reading the stories where the lead actress is trembling with rage, her fists aching to hit something, crude words waiting to be spilled from her lips. Yes, that happened to me about a few minutes ago. I did, unfortunately, let slip a few words that should never be said in front of my mother. And I think, I have chain imprints on my hands from squeezing my bag handles a little too tightly. I do wish I was back there, where all this rage started from. Because trust me, he would have to be rushed to the hospital if I had rethought about what I really wanted to do with him. To hell with the accusations of assault. He's a grown man, I'm only a child barely teetering on the edge of adulthood. But no, unfortunate for the sinister side of me, I didn't inflict any bodily harm upon him or any of his relatives. Mainly, the evil hawk that insists on trying to protect him. I am tempted to go up to her one day, or maybe slip a note to her because I'm sure when she sees me coming towards her, she'll run for the hills. Even if she was wearing six inch heels. It is quite disgusting how you can even think I'd think of seducing your husband when I'd much rather seduce a rock than even be in close proximity with your husband for more than thirty seconds. And I must admit, it is becoming increasingly true how the moment I'm in close proximity with him [note: proximity not contact] I feel like I need to get away from him before I lose my mind and actually venture on my murdering rampage. Even now, I can admit I'm still trembling slightly from the rage. I'm tempted to type to him to let him know what kind of a man I think he is and that he can do the very unoriginal flyers himself. It is indeed the almost adult part of me that is restraining the little girl from stabbing him at least a million times with a blunt knife.

After what happened tonight, I really am not in the mood for anything else. Even chocolate doesn't hold the lure it did for me this afternoon, anymore. Neither does food, or the television. Not even the online games I would be indulging during the weekends. I think I would be heading to bed, and then off for work tomorrow. Maybe I can work out my frustrations. I need to get a stationary bicycle. At least then, I have something at home to let out my frustrations upon. It seems even now, writing doesn't hold much lure for me anymore. I really need to start writing again. But definitely not when I'm in this constant state of depression and fake cheerfulness. Well, maybe I should not celebrate the big two zero this year and just let it slide by me. Maybe then, I'll be able to stay nineteen forever.

Take care, and I hope you weren't disappointed with this short and miserable post. I am, unfortunately, pretty annoyed at myself for not being able to write about anything else that has happened lately. Maybe tomorrow, or another day. May God bless you, I seemingly want to force myself to give up the faith.

Amanda Loves You Always (:

My Very Own Whirlwind of Trouble.

Good Morning.

It has been a long while since I last came here to talk to you. As surprising as it sounds, my life has been thrown into more turmoil. For one, Johnny's back but he's busy now. His mother's sick and he's working to help her pay the bills, do keep her in your prayers. Although, how far that is true, I have absolutely no idea. And don't sprout the nonsense that I should trust him because frankly speaking, I don't know who I should trust anymore. Johnny, Steven, Matt. All my problems seem to stem from men, it's quite mind troubling. Another new revelation is that he has been out of service for 2 months, and I only found out last week. It's amazing he doesn't wonder why the love of his life didn't welcome him back for two whole months. He didn't even send me an e-mail until I sent him one. And no, I doubt he wasn't busy because as he said, I quote, 'been busy for the past 37days, working nonstop'. Ok, not his exact words, but I don't think 37 days is equalled to two months being busy. If you'd like to thrash this out with me, you should know my e-mail or msn or number. I'm contactable at those channels.

Lunch on Sunday went extremely well. Maybe the thought of mixing everyone at my birthday, wouldn't be so bad after all [: The food was good, the conversations were funny and I pretty much had a fun time. It really was a breath of fresh air from what I've been going through lately. I really wouldn't call it stress because I don't feel very much stressed. It's more of a frustration and restlessness. The worst part really is when I have nothing to do, or rather, the mind numbing work that leaves a whole lot of time for my mind to wander. Like now, I am feeling pretty restless. The music on my phone is playing, I've got my work set out before me, I've got more work piling up behind me. And yet, all I really want to do is go home and play a game online. Or read. Or do something equally lazy. Maybe it's because I see people taking time off, going on holiday, going out with friends, doing things they want to be doing. I don't deny that this is what I actally want to be doing. Admin work and earning money so I can help my mother. But if you've been working for a long time, at the same job, I'm sure it is about time to want to change. It is normal, isn't it? I don't really know what's what anymore. Everything is so confusing nowadays. The lines are blurring, and noone's making a stand or saying anything. Everyone's just going with the flow. I just wish it was much easier going against the flow, than going with it. Because at least then, I wouldn't have such a hard time. It takes a lot out of a person to stand up for what they want, and what they believe in. It doesn't take a person any effort to follow the crowd and go with the flow. It really is almost like swimming. It's much harder to swim against the current than to just let it pull you along. Although if you do let it pull you along for too long, you'll forget how to swim and then you may just drown and die. A pretty grim outcome as compared to swimming for all your worth and maybe getting to a safe place. I think I'll just stick to swimming against the current.

Church. AVA. Bulletin. Conflicts. Friendships. Love. Hate. So many things taking place in one little building. It's pretty amazing how the building is still standing and not worn down. My latest adventure. The AVA Team. Well, combined with the Art Team as the Art Team is currently only one person. I had my first trail yesterday. And it seems that I would probably be joining up with the Sunday, 5.30pm evening mass. Yes, I don't go for the Sunday Evening Mass do I? Well, I guess there's no time like the present to start on something new. On the bright side, one reason which I just thought of, is that I would be able to bake my cookies on Saturday or do whatever I wish because there'll be no interruptions. I just need to start leaving my house at around 3.30pm to reach church at 5.00pm to set up the computer and equipment. I really do detest staying so far away from church, it really is an extremely troublesome matter. Another matter is the flyers, which I have not heard any response from yet. I really do not know what I am going to do if he loses them. I might scream at him, I might glare at him, or maybe, I might just turn and stalk off like the spoilt brat I'm suppose to be. But that is a worry for another day. The next thing on my list, is my birthday party.

What do you do when you're pulled in two directions by yourself? You want to do something, and then are yet so sure that when you do it, you'll end up hurt. The matter really isn't that simple. There is also the problem of the expenses. I would probably still be working by the time my birthday rolls around. I just need to ensure that my May's pay isn't spent stupidly and saved up for my birthday. I don't even know if I'll have enough to go on that shopping expenditure I had wanted to give myself on my birthday. Not to mention the increasing responsibility to pay for things around the house. Sometimes, I do wish my grandparents weren't working and instead getting an income from their children. It doesn't matter anymore to me because the only thing they are paying for now, is the utility bill. That's about, two hundred a month? Ok, maybe I'm suppose to be thankful anyway. But yeah, I don't see how my mother is going to be able to cope with the increased responsibility with the same amount of pay she is getting. How am I ever going to be able to concentrate in peace? I really need to find a way out of this mess I call my life.

Ok, I've still got a whole load of unresolved issues. Birthday Invites. Furthering my Education. Serving God. Listening to my Heart. And I've only got twenty four hours in a day. I really should be very busy these few days right? Not to mention work. The reports are piling up and I'm just lagging behind slacking like there is absolutely no tomorrow. Well, I should be getting back to work. I'll come back soon, I hope. With the way my life is looking, I might be pulled into another whirlwind of problems. The only good thing is that I normally come out relatively unharm. As compared to the other occupants of the same whirlwind, I guess. So, this is me going off. Take care of yourself, and keep Johnny's mother and Aunt Veron's Brother in your prayers. They definitely need it more than me. I can strive day to day by jus avoiding anything and everything. Take care, and God bless. Till next time.

Amanda Loves You (:

Heartache.

Good Morning.

It's funny how in a span of less than twenty four hours, my life could go from unnormally high to believeably low. Yes, it is quite puzzling if I might say so. I guess, due to the fact that my life is currently in the dumps and doesn't look to be perking up anytime soon, I might just decide to stay in during lunch and as I normally do, sulk for no apparent reason. That is, to anyone who isn't aware of what happened last night. I'm not particularly sure if I want to say what happened last night, seeing as how I have a suspicion someone who I once wanted to find ths site, has found it. And who now, is currently in my book of 'People to ban from my blogspace'. Unfortunately, I'm totally in love with my blog address and thus am very unwilling to change it. Even if it is to just a different format of writing it. I refuse. Thus, I shall leave part of yesterday night out. But then again, maybe I do want you to know. Or maybe, I'm just a cold hearted bitch who wants to inflict as much pain on you as you've gone and inflicted upon me. I'm a sadist like that.

I should try, for the sake of my own sanity, to recall the at least happy time I had last night out with Tasha. We went clubbing as usual and yes, it felt good to be the youngest in the group. Not to mention, one of the only three girls who were with the group. Now, all I need to do is just find more friends who aren't like the ones I have now. The club was packed and I really wished we had the seats we did when we first went to the place. The Arena, if any of you are wondering. Yes, I would believe it to be the higher end cause if I'm not wrong, guys need to be 23 for entry. But then again, that may be wrong information. You should know that you are not to believe amanda when she tells you information about clubs, because she's more often than not, wrong. Anyhow, the club was good. The dancing was good. And although I must admit that although my eye candy quota was filled by the guys in the group, it was quite sad to notice that there were not that many other cute guys to drool over. Unless of course you consider Tasha drooling over Beyonce's body. Hahas. Tasha once again tried to shuffle. And I would've tried it to, if I wasn't so worried about embrassing myself. That and I was in high heels. Kind of hard to shuffle in them, even though the notion in itself sounds pretty simple to me. Maybe I might just kick ass if I decide to wear sneakers the next time we go clubbing. You never know. The world is full of stupid unexplainable stuff! Anyhow, after clubbing, we each went our own way. I believe the guys were heading for another club and although I would've loved to join them, I was actually already yawning. And no, my feet were not hurting yet! Amazing, I know. So I got forced into a cab by Tasha and her sister. Decided to be nice and tip the uncle, although it was only merely a dollar and more. I'm not exactly the richest girl in Singappore, you know. Then decided to try and catch up with Matt who left his computer turned on again. Decided to jump into bed instead of waiting for him to reply.

After I woke up in the early afternoon, I cannot really say that everything went wrong immediately after because I did have a nice lunch. Chicken Rice and dessert. And then, I started on my story. Up till now, I'm still baffled at how the story could have been corrupted. I mean, it really simply isn't possible in any way or form in my mind. Yes, the story which I have been working on for the past three to four years of my life was gone in the blink of an eye, literally. Not to mention the last chapter, which by far was my most beloved chapter. I can tell you now how it hurts to have lost a baby. Something you've carried for nine months, feeding it, caring for it. I can tell you how it hurts to have lost a child. Something you've come to want to protect, to clothe it, to nurture it's growth. It really hurts and nothing can really ease the pain. Well, it was actually worse than that considering I realized something before I actually lost my story but I don't really want to go into that, because my eyes are already too small. I don't want to make it worse by crying. So yes, I've lost the baby I've carried for at least four years and let me tell you, it hurts. Very badly. I guess, all I can really do now is to continue writing and hopefully I'll produce something as amazing as the original. After all, it is only another four or more chapters before the story is wrapped up, and then it's sequal in the making! In a sick, sadistic, awkward way, I guess at least now I've got something to lead me back to my passion for writing and for life. Although this had led to a damper in my spirit for reading, I'm sure it will all come together. Actually, wait. I'm not sure it'll all come together. I just hope to God that it will. Because I'm sure my mother will kill me if I don't at least read three quarters of the books I had bought. Hahas. So I suppose that is about all I'm going to talk about my story. Because it still hurts, knowing I've lost the last chapter. The one I had worked so hard to get it down. But I guess, everything does happen for a reason doesn't it? Even if the reason is a very much sadistic one.

Well, I've decided not to go out for lunch and to be anti social. It's quite nice to be alone in the office with your music blasting and not worry about anyone complaining. I'm eating an orange by the way. It's pretty sweet and I hope all these oranges I'm eating don't land me in the sick bed before the new year ends. Talking about the new year, I am totally dreading the Reunion Dinner. I'm sorry but I'm not one to be able to smile and pretend I don't hate your guts just for the sake of a public event. That is why, I have decided to buy a bottle of whisky and reward myself for being such a good girl for attending the dinner. At least then, I'll have something to smile about during dinner and during all the awkward moments where I imagine killing someone whose, unofortunately, related to me. The awkward moment comes in when I have to smile and pretend I just want to eat my food and not want to kill the forementioned relative. I am pretty sadistic aren't I? All this talk about killing when I'm suppose to be attending a much celebrated event such as a Reunion Dinner. If only all our dead relatives could come back from the dead, then it would really be a Reunion Dinner! Ok, I know that would just be freaky and thus I'm not going to mention it to mother. Because she has already shouted my head off when I called the Reunion Dinner stupid. She must be stressed about not being able to work and being forced to attend by my lovely, or maybe not so lovely, grandmother. It's quite sad really, but you know. Life sucks.

Anyhow, this would be the third new year that I'm going to be single. Yes, single. And if you had any notions that I was attached before, don't ask me about it unless you're equiped to handle a crying and immature amanda. So I'll be single during Valentine's Day as well, pretty sweet huh? I'll probably be going to watch 'Jumper' with mother anyhow, so I won't be alone on Valentine's Day. At least on the bright side, I wouldn't be over indulging in ice cream and crying my eyes out and wishing I had kicked Alex where it hurt before I stormed away from him. Because that would've been a memory to keep. That or screwing up Nic's life worse than how it was because you know, I'm sadistic like that. Ok, I know I'm like this really evil person now who is only thinking of inflicting pain on the people around me so if you're smart, stay away for your own good. Really. Because I will not be held responsible for my actions. So, I am single. Ok, I'm going to distract myself with something else now because I don't particularly want to dwell on the fact that I am single, thank you very much.

Thanks for dropping by to find out how I am. And if you want to make me feel better, any item on my wishlist would do. Unless you'd like to introudce a guy to me who isn't a jerk, that's very much welcomed as well. So, do leave a comment or a present at my door step if you must (: take care and god bless! You'll always be in my prayers.

Amanda Loves You! (:

Nineteen is too young.

Good evening!

This post is and will be an extremely short post. That is simply because I'm currently getting ready to go out. Yes, it is, let's see, 10.32PM on a Saturday night and Amanda is going out to party. Really, nineteen is too young to be staying at home on a Saturday night, despite the fact that there's no free entry. I'm sure I'll find my way in somehow x) Well, I'm mainly although going to kill my liver to help a girlfriend destress, I can't say I haven't been thinking of going out again myself. Not to mention, I do need to get some destressing done myself after having those dreams last night. Weird funny dreams that don't explain themselves fully when being recalled by me. But other than that, I think I am going to enjoy myself out tonight. And yes, as I've told someone before, it could be the red streak. By the way, the red streak is back. And no, don't expect me to be nice this New Year, because I've had enough sh!t so yes, maybe this year, I'll actually let the wilder side out to play. But till the good amanda comes back in time to apply for school, I'm going to make sure I enjoy the darkness and nights out x) And if you're not yet sixty, you should to! No one is ever too old to have fun, I know now that you're never too young to either!

So I'm gone! The party awaits and so does my chariot!

Amanda Loves You! (:

Cleaning the kitchen sink.

Good evening.

It has merely been less than a day since my last post as compared to the whooping eleven days between my last two posts. I'm currently seated in my living room, just having taken my Sunday shower. Hair is still slightly damp as I've decided to not to use my hair dryer as I always do. I'm actually waiting patiently for the trailer of "Jumper" just to see a very fine specimen of a male. I'm sure some of you share my sentiments, although most of you might probably scoff at my choice of words. Anyhow, there are sweaty men playing tennis or badminton, I'm not entirely sure, at the moment and there is the resounding scrape of metal against gravel in the kitchen. Oh wait, I just noticed, they players are cute. Even with the dripping sweat and having to run from one end of the court to another. Stamina, there are so many uses for that particular skill. Well, as you might be able to tell, I'm getting distracted with the show of men running around the court and shirts flying for that hint of skin pulled taut against muscle. I have been reading too much fanfiction, I'm certain of that. It must be the cause of starting to read HP again. Oh my! He's only twenty. I haven't yet been able to figure out his name from the commentary but oh my! Twenty, aren't I turning twenty in less than six months? Hahas, I swear I do sound worse than a bitch in heat. Please do excuse me.

So, I shall spare you my continuous drooling over the men in shorts on my television. I do believe the show is over and now, it's time for the trailer of 'Jumper'. Hahas. Oh wait! They are back on again. Hahas. I think I should continue with my reason for this post and stop this drooling over men I'd never see in this lifetime. Hahas. Well, I just thought I'd share with you my just recently obtained experience of cleaning the kitchen sink. I wouldn't call it bad but I must it was at least a little fun. Well, the part when you feel the water pushing back against your hand for a way to escape. Have I mentioned how much I like water? Anyhow, I must say that I would be more inclined to help with cleaning the kitchen sink if it ever happens again. But aside from the kitchen sink, I was thinking of writing a one shot for a friend. A friend who was and still is on my list of 'Possible Best Friend' who tried to kill himself. Frankly, I admit I wasn't the nicest person or the most gentle when telling him what I thought when he told me just as I was going to bed this morning. And no, I'm not sorry about what I said and how I said it. And if you are reading this, continue reading. I always thought that it was ok, you know, to take your own life. Seeing as how, it is your own and no one else but you have a right over it. But now, I suppose, after everything that has happened, I beg to differ. I mean, sure, it still is your life to take but when you think about the people who depend on you or know you, it's not only your responsibility to yourself but to them to think about what you are doing before you close your eyes and take the plunge into the darkness. I don't deny that I've thought about closing my eyes and taking the plunge about a million times before and if I can help it, a few more hundred times in the years to come. For isn't it always the easiest way to close your eyes and take the plunge, knowing you wouldn't be around to handle the consequences? The thoughts of a one shot is still pretty fresh in my mind but at this moment I'm at a loss of what to write. I suppose that is cause I distinctively remember telling him that it's better to find solace in yourself than someone else whom you think knows you through and through. That and I expect that if a person were to stop themselves from taking the plunge, it should be because of that person's choice alone and not from the encouraging from another, although it does help at times of darkness to have even a match with you to help you see the way. I can't claim to know what he feels because I haven't out rightly been denied by someone I've claimed to love and then be played for a fool because normally, the guys don't stay around long enough to be just friends. Although I am forgoing this one shot on the terms I know I can never understand what you are going through or even try and put into words how I'd talk you out of trying that stunt again. Just know that I still do, love you. Even if I don't say it in so many words, or sometimes in too many words that don't sound like I do. Just know that I still do. And possibly, always will.

Well, I just finished watching the trailer of "Jumper" and I am definitely going to watch that show. I must say, he is pretty cute. And not to mention the girl is pretty hot. So, I am going to sit like a little girl and watch the movie that is on now. Maybe get started on my stories, although I doubt I'd write much with the show playing. But a girl can always hope for the best right? Well, I'm still on my hunt to get my notes from JC back so if anyone has the new numbers of Zac and Alph, please do let me know. Because I have a distinct feeling that they are avoiding me. And really, I need my notes back, please. So, I'm off again. Trying to get this messy life of mine back on track. I'll see you!

Amanda Loves You (:

Time slips by us.

Good evening.

Wow, it has indeed been a long time since my last post. Eleven days. Since then, many things have been happening. More so weird and unexpected than really upsetting things. For one, it has definitely got to be the nightmares. Because frankly, I'm wondering if I still have my sanity after what my mind has unconsciously conjured up. But I'll get to that in a bit, because it still freaks me out when I try and remember the nightmares. So, aside from those nightmares. My clubbing adventures have reached another high although now would be the lull period. Everyone's busy, everyone's studying. And you know me, never to venture out alone. But I am thinking that maybe I should. But that is another discussion topic for another day. Faith is obviously and unfortunately still a large part of what I think about daily. More importantly during the weekends when attendance is required as an obligation. And then, I have also been reading. Mainly now, would be this desire to complete the seven book series that took the world by storm. Hahas, I can't believe I'm coping what people are writing in the news. But yes, the still very famous Harry Potter even after the books are done has recently entered my life again. I really do have JL to thank for lending me the books because I would never ever be bothered to make the trip down to the library to borrow the books. So what should I start off first? I'm guessing it would be with regards to my faith because, I'm so confused over it I really don't know what to do. Not to mention, I have stopped singing during Mass.

I never really thought that I would've ever stopped singing during Mass. Mainly cause even when I wasn't in the mood for Mass, I was always in the mood for singing the songs. No matter how much I don't agree or feel with the song, I'll sing. And then, I tried it. That Saturday, when everything really seemed to be going wrong, I stared at the wall and stopped singing. I could still feel the urge to sing, to open my mouth and hear the words coming from me and not from someone else. To hear the music, to be part of the music, to at least be a part of something. And then, today. There really wasn't the urge. I mean, I stared and the urge to sing didn't bother me at all. I didn't really feel empty, I just felt lost. Slightly defeated I suppose, but I didn't feel all that awful. Maybe it has to do with my increasing desire to not go for Mass. I have promptly ignored most of the people I see during Saturday at church. I don't do it on Tuesdays. I guess it is simply because it is hard to glare at someone whose smiling at you. But anyhow, I have offered another suggestion to my mother to go for Sunday evening mass instead, because I don't think there will be anyone there that I used to know. Although it really doesn't seem to be a need now. Because every Saturday, the altar is bare. I am, unfortunately, thinking of starting a bulletin board in church. Putting up articles of interest. Interesting bits of information that you never knew about the church or the faith. And you, I might just actually take up the idea to Father. Well, that is if he is still here after February. I mean, they did say that everyone was getting moved didn't he? So maybe I might do it, but only if Father's still around. Or maybe, I'll just give it up. Like how I gave up on the altar servers. Like how I gave up on Mag. Like how I gave up on everyone I've met since the day I stepped into the church. I'm disappointed with myself, but I guess, there are some things you just have to live with. And I'm guessing, this is, unfortunately, one of those things.

The nightmares, are too scary, for lack of a better word, to actually be typed up here. I don't really want to be giving anyone else the same nightmares I've been having. And yes, I think they are really scary. I am currently home alone and I have my grandparent's door shut close. The lights, I know, are on in the living room and kitchen. And I am ensuring I've music on for the whole time I am awake, as well as the lights. Trust me, that is how freaked out I am. I did have the urge to cry the first night I woke up from my nightmare. But no, big girls don't cry do they? I have yet to cry actually. Just scarring my arms with my nails at the moment. I'm sure, if the nails dig too deep, the tears will come.

Despite the eleven days of not blogging, I don't really have much to say. I mean, there really hasn't been much happening in my life. I haven't talked to Matt. Both Matthews. I haven't talked to J. I haven't talked to anyone from church. I haven't talked to anyone from school. You know, I really do wish I could drop off the grid. I'm guessing I'm just following Max or Rey. Whoever you'd like me more to be like. Running away doesn't solve the problems. But maybe, after I've run away, the problems would cease to exist. I'm going to read some fan fiction because if I even attempt to write now, I can't promise that someone else would suffer the same heartache I'm going through. So, that's all. I'll try to blog again when I'm in a better mood. A happier one, I hope. I miss you, but I can't really say I do.

Amanda Still Loves You (:

another piece of my broken heart.

Good evening.


This post has been long over due. Well, it should have been written the day I found the two e-mails lying forgotten in my lousy excuse of an online inbox. The two e-mails which I thought I had deleted but apparently I kept them. Maybe to remind myself that there might be a shred of humanity left in the people I used to love. So what sparked me to write this post today. Especially when I'm rushing for bed. It seems that my body has forbidden me to sleep less than 8hours each day. Although the waking up instantly has been a really exciting daily event but I'll get to that later, or another day when I'm not rushing to bed. Back to my reason. It has to definitely be the continuous non attendance coupled with my recent meltdowns. Not that I'm blaming anyone, because I am totally past that.


The non attendance. Frankly, I have no idea why that is bugging me so insistently. It's not like I'm responsible for the attendance. Although it would be nice to see some proper respect; especially when disrespect has so blatantly be shown in the recent months. I suppose it is quite pointless and dumb to note that only one is required during the weekday ceremonies. I suppose this should be the end of my case. Although I never understood why authority has really never been shown or acted upon people who require it but rather, on people who are not included under that authority. I suppose there are times when things should be left exactly the way they are, or at least the way when no one actually feels threatened. All this talk about change flying in the air and people in authority feel threatened when aforementioned changes take place. It is weird, is it not? So, since I've been enlightened that only one is required during weekday ceremonies, I guess this would definitely have to be scratched off my list. I do hope though, that as this weekend approaches. Someone thinks about what you're saying when you're pledging your services, and actually works toward trying to fulfil the pledge. After all, what's the use of having an installation if no one bothers to honor the society?

The two e-mails that I discovered about a week ago. Ah, it was the bittersweet tinge of pain at the edge of my heart as I read the words. I unfortunately cannot quote any heart warming phases or words because I deleted them immediately after I read them, twice over. After all, who needs memories of someone telling you that God loves you and yet turns his back on you? After all, has his whole family not turned their backs on me? But it did, I must admit, bring back mostly bad memories of the place I had once looked forward to go to. It's pretty funny how I still remember how moist the air was the day he approached me. Convinced me that to continue my life without a proper education in Christ was absolutely being ignorant of my rich faith. Ok, maybe in not so many fanciful words but that was mainly the gist of it. I rejected, once, twice, three times. And the following Sunday, I found myself sitting among people I had never met before that day albeit a girl, who I still remembered as one I thought I had found a friend in. It's rather funny how things spiraled out of control from there on out. Maybe if I had put more thought into my organ lessons. Maybe if I had put more effort into my studies. Maybe if I had put more thought and consideration in grooming my friendships. Things might have turned out differently. And half the things that I've said in this post and on this blog, would've never crossed my mind or passed my lips. And yet, maybe, deep down. Really really deep down. I'm glad that things happened the way they did. I mean, things of past do shape who you are now. I can't particularly say I'm unhappy with the way I am now. And truthfully? I would rather be alone than with friends who'd take a nanosecond to consider spilling your darkest secrets to further their gain in life. All right, maybe not that vicious. Vicious they are, I must say, but maybe not that vicious as I've bias-ly made them out to be. So I suppose that maybe, maybe turning up that day, although leading to many, many, many unhappy moments between then and now, it has, in a way, made me who I am today. Still, that doesn't stop the tears or the dull throb of the pain when the memories resurface. Because I cannot say that I did and still do wish that somethings did not turn out the way they did. Well, there really isn't any point crying over spilt milk is there? I'll just have to smile, nod, pretend. Smile like I haven't got a care in the world. Nod like nothing would ever affect the happiness surrounding me. Pretend like I'm still the bubbly little girl you met four years ago.

Unfortunately, it is 11pm and time for this little girl to head to bed. I will try to blog tomorrow, if I get home on time. Of course, after my shower and everything. I don't have much else to say, really. What else can I say without wanting to burst into tears? So, I'm off to bed. I'll check back soon, and let you know what has been going on with me. Because there have been other more exciting news aside from church news going on in my life. I haven't really been able to talk to many people, because you know, that's how it is when you're a loner. So, I'm again holding back the tears. See you in a couple of days, I guess.

Amanda Loves You (: