This looks like a breakdown in progress.

Good Morning.

Actually, it really hasn't been such a good morning. To say the least, it has been horrible. I don't know why, but I have this gut feeling that 2008 is going to get worse. Followed by the next year of course. And it's just going to get worse until I eventually decide that I'm just going to give up, because that is always the easier choice. The first thing that went wrong this morning, was indeed the fact that my dog barked at me to get out of bed at 3am just to open the door for him to drink some water. It disrupted my sleep and made me realize that mother was not home yet. Which led me to find out that it sucks being a Taxi Driver now, because although you earn more per trip, you don't have as many trips as you used to pick up. And just hearing it over the phone seems to cement my future. How can I ever go back to studying knowing that what my mother is going to earn isn't enough to support a family of four? Anyway, I did go back to sleep and woke up at 6.55am. And guess what? I left the house at 7.25am without make up and I do think my mother is angry at me. But I guess it doesn't matter. There is no point wasting petrol when I can take the bus which is so much cheaper. So I left for work and as usual, the adults on the bus and in the train never fail to annoy the living day lights out of me. Now, I'm sitting at my desk, stomach growling because I haven't eaten anything this morning. My head's spinning because I don't think there is any blood being pumped into it. And my nose is dripping, because the stupid medicine I took isn't working.

Just yesterday, I was talking to Tasha about going back to school. And that I've probably resigned myself to taking accounting. After all, I don't think there is anything else I can take that is going to ensure me at least a job when I graduate. However, having looked at the courses and the course fees, I am beginning to re think going back to school. I mean, at least 20K per year? I don't think my mother could handle that. And I'm not qualified to take a part time course, because at SIM, you need to be 21 years of age and above. So I am seriously re thinking even applying for school, even at a local university where the fees are heavily subsidised. How are you suppose to concentrate on studying when you're worrying about the government taking away your house? I don't know, I really don't.

That brings up another issue which is work. I don't know but I do think I am burning out and am starting to hate to come to work. Or maybe it's just the early starting time, I don't know. But if I do not apply for University next year, I'm most probably going to find a much higher paying admin job. Because if I ever do want to go back to my education, I definitely need to have some source of savings to actually start paying for my education first. And it pretty much sucks to the fact that I cannot use my own CPF to pay for my education. Hahas. Very unfortunate really, if you ask me. Anyway, I guess that's my plan so far. I don't know if I'm even going to take a chance and apply. And then if I do get in, against all odds, I'll get a weekend job. Coupled with a full time job when I go on holiday, from University that is. I should get around to deleting all the games on my computers. I can't possibly waste anymore time on games, when I need to start putting all my time into making money. It's quite sad really, seeing as how, money was never my first objective when getting a job.

With regards to the title of this post, I really do think I'm building up a breakdown for myself. I was thinking of all the ways I could kill someone this morning. I know it's not exactly the perfect topic for a morning discussion with yourself, is there ever is? But it was something my mind picked out. Not to mention, I'd like to murder half the community that calls themselves my family. Especially after what happened on Christmas. I have no idea how I'm going to survive Chinese New Year! Sometimes I feel like all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Other times, I feel like screaming at everyone around me. It's quite scary actually, and I actually do have to ask myself to relax before I actually do what my mind intends.

My mind is straying because there is a whole lot of activity in the office. Apparently the Sisters are bringing down the staff who are in lieu of promotion next year. I wish I was at least eligable, but what can I be promoted to? This really is a dead end job, especially in terms of promotion and a pay rise. ARGH! I really hate this you know. Having to think about how much I'm being paid. Thinking about how I'm going to be able to pay off the bills without the companies chasing after us for payment. Thinking about how I'm going to even get anything I want when all the money I'm making is going into the house. I hate this, and I hate having to do this. And I think I'm seriously losing my trust in God. That he's going to provide. Because I think in reality, if you're poor, you're going to remain poor for the rest of your life until a miracle happens to you. That or you become a stingy fellow and keep every penny, sickle, dollar and spend only on yourself. Hahas. No, I don't see myself becoming like that, ever. Because it'll just be horrible. ARGH! I hate this little girl whose whispering in my head, telling me that I should never change who I am. But it's not like she's going to help pay the bills right? *sigh* I really should get going I guess. Thanks for reading, and maybe I'll blog again tomorrow or the day after, about how horrible my life is turning out to be most probably. See you.

Amanda Loves You (: