Big Girls Don't Cry.

Good Evening.

It's been only two days since my last entry. I must say that it hasn't been so bad since then. Although now I am seriously panicking if my money's going to come in on time to pay the bills. Hahas. But I guess, the worst that can happen is that they don't allow my mother to buy her car park coupon and then cut my phone line. On the bright side, I wouldn't be contactable when I finally decide to run away from home. Hahas. But I guess, we'll just have to wait and see on Thursday if my money comes in on time to pay the bills. I really hope it does, because I am truly on the edge of breaking down. And I'm not just talking about tears.

One surprisingly new status is BenTan talking to me on Thursday night. So it's settled between us. Although I don't think he understood what I meant when I said it ends here. Because when we launched into the debate on me ever coming into contact with a certain ElvinWee, he talked like I was still his older sister, the girl he knew from long ago. But I'm sure, after a week or two, when he sees me ignoring him in church and online, he would understand that when I said it ends here, I meant that it did end there. The relationship, the fights, the love, everything. After all, if I can't keep my own word on issues like this, how am I to ever trust myself with bigger things? And also like how I'm keeping to my word about staying away from ElvinWee and everyone I used to know in church. The Thiens, The Cheangs, The Lees, everyone who knew the Amanda before. Well, everyone except the girls. Steffi and Gen. But that's about it. I've been doing pretty much all right, aside from that tap on my shoulder on Christmas. But other than that, every thing's all going as planned. For once in my life, anyway. After all, after having seen all the chaos, how could anything of such mess been planned? I've also brought up the suggestion of going to Christ The King for mass. However mother seems to be rather attached to this church. It truly is quite unfortunate for me, cause you know, I'm trying to get away from this church and all? Yeah, very unfortunate for me. But I'll probably continue to try and talk her into going for mass at Christ The King. Very much better for my sanity, and my soul too.

Today was the celebration of St Stephen's Martyrdom. We didn't stay. I especially didn't want to stay when I saw the entire youth choir. Not since mass was just as dull as ever. Can anyone really not move their body when they hear music? I mean, is it possible that you wouldn't even move a muscle when you hear a catchy tune? I guess it is possible looking at how stiff and dead the choir looked. But then again, maybe it's just me and maybe they're just about as lively as any other choir in this church. Who knows? Who really knows about these things anyway? So said hi to Gen and Steffi. Steffi knows that she probably won't see me anymore in church, but I guess, I didn't have the heart to tell Gen yet. But I guess, as long as she wants to see Jessica, it's better about forgetting about me (: And it's seems funny but I can see myself spending more of my time outside of church, with other people. Maybe it's Tasha getting into my blood. After all, the friends she makes at the clubs aren't that bad. It's not like I'm suddenly going to start smoking and all, but it would be nice to have some place else to find peace. Acceptance. Love. Maybe not all, but just some place else where I wouldn't be judged. Not that harshly anyway. Although talking about this, I've also got a comment on my last post from someone named Anonymous. Here's what it says:

"And now the poor stand and confess

That my portion is you and I'm more than blessed"


This is a song from hill song.

God is our solution. Just hold on to God and he will lead you...Be blessed

I don't know what I'm suppose to do, really. Seeing as how I'm on the verge on about giving up on almost everything I've ever known. I've heard it can be quite an enriching experience giving up everything you've ever known, because then you'll find out more things. Things that you never knew, things that you've never dreamt about. Anyway, I do wonder who posted this comment. But maybe I don't know the person. Because I'm hoping now I don't know the person. Hahas. Anyway, I guess God has been providing. But now, it just seems like he doesn't care. I mean, we're suppose to listen for his voice. But what happens when we hear his voice, and people tell us that we are wrong. And that, that's not what he's saying? After all, I thought I was doing good by befriending her, when everyone else shunned her. And then when she left, everyone said that I shouldn't have done what I did. I thought I was doing good by taking care of them, while everyone else was having fun. And then when everything went wrong, everyone said that I should have been smart enough to have done something else aside from just taking care of them. And I guess, maybe I've lost my faith in what is good and what is bad? The lines are never clear, I know that. I'm more than clear on the fact that the lines between black and white, good and evil are never clear cut. But how are little girls suppose to believe that good will always win over evil, when nothing good ever comes out of being good? The gift of eternal life in heaven? I don't know if I really want to spend eternity with the people in my church now. Well, seeing as how they're certain they'll go to heaven. So maybe I'll just go to hell, you know, just to escape from them. Hahas. So I don't know, I guess. God is our solution. Hold on to God. He will lead you. Somehow, I only believe partially in what you're trying to say, I'm sorry.

Well, it is almost 10pm. I had weird, really weird dreams yesterday. I had one about NC. Although I think it was more of a fabrication my mind made up to make me happy rather than a possibility waiting to take place. I received an e-mail from J today. Well, he sent it two days ago and I only read it today online. He's all right, still going for missions. I guess until he comes back, I'll just be known as a bachelorette. Well, one that isn't looking for a guy anyway. Although I doubt bachelors are actually looking for that one girl to marry and settle down for the rest of their life right? Hahas.

So I guess this is where I stop today. Tomorrow's Sunday, the following day is Monday which is also New Year's Eve. And then Tuesday, it'll be 2008. I doubt I would be leaving all this behind in 2007. And no, I haven't started on this New Year's Resolution List. Because somehow, I have this feeling I'm not even going to stick close or even follow it at all. Well, thanks for stopping by I guess. I really do think no one reads this blog. Hahas. Despite the three comments that I've already had. I think they all happen to stumble upon this mad girl's blog and decided to comment. Hahas. Some things, no matter how hard we wish for them to be, never are the way we had wished them to be. I'm going to continue to listen to Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry on repeat before going to bed shortly. I'll be back soon, I guess. Definitely before the new year if I can help it. So, I'll see you. Take care. and God Bless. And just in case I don't come back before the New Year, a Happy New Year to you and many blessings ahead in the new year for you.

Amanda Loves You (:

This looks like a breakdown in progress.

Good Morning.

Actually, it really hasn't been such a good morning. To say the least, it has been horrible. I don't know why, but I have this gut feeling that 2008 is going to get worse. Followed by the next year of course. And it's just going to get worse until I eventually decide that I'm just going to give up, because that is always the easier choice. The first thing that went wrong this morning, was indeed the fact that my dog barked at me to get out of bed at 3am just to open the door for him to drink some water. It disrupted my sleep and made me realize that mother was not home yet. Which led me to find out that it sucks being a Taxi Driver now, because although you earn more per trip, you don't have as many trips as you used to pick up. And just hearing it over the phone seems to cement my future. How can I ever go back to studying knowing that what my mother is going to earn isn't enough to support a family of four? Anyway, I did go back to sleep and woke up at 6.55am. And guess what? I left the house at 7.25am without make up and I do think my mother is angry at me. But I guess it doesn't matter. There is no point wasting petrol when I can take the bus which is so much cheaper. So I left for work and as usual, the adults on the bus and in the train never fail to annoy the living day lights out of me. Now, I'm sitting at my desk, stomach growling because I haven't eaten anything this morning. My head's spinning because I don't think there is any blood being pumped into it. And my nose is dripping, because the stupid medicine I took isn't working.

Just yesterday, I was talking to Tasha about going back to school. And that I've probably resigned myself to taking accounting. After all, I don't think there is anything else I can take that is going to ensure me at least a job when I graduate. However, having looked at the courses and the course fees, I am beginning to re think going back to school. I mean, at least 20K per year? I don't think my mother could handle that. And I'm not qualified to take a part time course, because at SIM, you need to be 21 years of age and above. So I am seriously re thinking even applying for school, even at a local university where the fees are heavily subsidised. How are you suppose to concentrate on studying when you're worrying about the government taking away your house? I don't know, I really don't.

That brings up another issue which is work. I don't know but I do think I am burning out and am starting to hate to come to work. Or maybe it's just the early starting time, I don't know. But if I do not apply for University next year, I'm most probably going to find a much higher paying admin job. Because if I ever do want to go back to my education, I definitely need to have some source of savings to actually start paying for my education first. And it pretty much sucks to the fact that I cannot use my own CPF to pay for my education. Hahas. Very unfortunate really, if you ask me. Anyway, I guess that's my plan so far. I don't know if I'm even going to take a chance and apply. And then if I do get in, against all odds, I'll get a weekend job. Coupled with a full time job when I go on holiday, from University that is. I should get around to deleting all the games on my computers. I can't possibly waste anymore time on games, when I need to start putting all my time into making money. It's quite sad really, seeing as how, money was never my first objective when getting a job.

With regards to the title of this post, I really do think I'm building up a breakdown for myself. I was thinking of all the ways I could kill someone this morning. I know it's not exactly the perfect topic for a morning discussion with yourself, is there ever is? But it was something my mind picked out. Not to mention, I'd like to murder half the community that calls themselves my family. Especially after what happened on Christmas. I have no idea how I'm going to survive Chinese New Year! Sometimes I feel like all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Other times, I feel like screaming at everyone around me. It's quite scary actually, and I actually do have to ask myself to relax before I actually do what my mind intends.

My mind is straying because there is a whole lot of activity in the office. Apparently the Sisters are bringing down the staff who are in lieu of promotion next year. I wish I was at least eligable, but what can I be promoted to? This really is a dead end job, especially in terms of promotion and a pay rise. ARGH! I really hate this you know. Having to think about how much I'm being paid. Thinking about how I'm going to be able to pay off the bills without the companies chasing after us for payment. Thinking about how I'm going to even get anything I want when all the money I'm making is going into the house. I hate this, and I hate having to do this. And I think I'm seriously losing my trust in God. That he's going to provide. Because I think in reality, if you're poor, you're going to remain poor for the rest of your life until a miracle happens to you. That or you become a stingy fellow and keep every penny, sickle, dollar and spend only on yourself. Hahas. No, I don't see myself becoming like that, ever. Because it'll just be horrible. ARGH! I hate this little girl whose whispering in my head, telling me that I should never change who I am. But it's not like she's going to help pay the bills right? *sigh* I really should get going I guess. Thanks for reading, and maybe I'll blog again tomorrow or the day after, about how horrible my life is turning out to be most probably. See you.

Amanda Loves You (:

The need to retain my sanity.

Good Afternoon.

Yes, I'm pretty amazed I'm still here. My eyes are dry although my head does hurt and I am still feeling a little annoyed at some members of this extended community. I don't really want to have to go through this whole process so I'll just skip to parts where I did like, or even enjoyed myself.

I refused to get out of bed. That was my first thought in the morning. But I eventually lugged myself out of bed and into the shower where I changed there as everyone was arriving already. After the shower, I hid in the room until I got called out to have lunch. And I have no idea what made my mother think I wanted, or even desired to share the table with the eldest of the female community. And no, I'm not talking about my grandmother. Everything was going well, as well as can be around me. I was eating, and listening to my music to keep me sane as everyone talked and watched a cooking show on the television. And then, she just had, just had to open her mouth and ask me, not kindly mind you, why couldn't I turn off my music. No, if she had asked nicely, or even without a degrading tone of voice, I might have switched off my music without a fuss. But she had to use that degrading tone of voice like I'm not worth any of her time. And she still could stare at me. I would have slapped her if I didn't care for my mother. At least I'm not the one whose not supporting her own mother. So after that, I used my ear piece and blasted the music. No, I couldn't be bothered if someone was trying to talk to me or call me, because I didn't give a damn. After lunch, I stole away into my room again. This time with company. And I guess, no matter how dreadful this community is, at least I've got someone who I can at least smile with aside from my mother. I had a pretty fun time showing him the videos on YouTube. At least some laughter in my otherwise dreadful day. And then it was the cutting of the cake. And I guess, no matter how many times I push the pain aside, the pain of not being accepted always comes back to haunt you. But let's leave that aside, because there is no way I can afford to start tearing or worse, crying.

I'm pretty much thankful for Tasha as well. She kept me company for a while and at least made me feel better. Even though I was sorely tempted to ask the eldest male in the community for a smoke. Yes, I don't smoke but that doesn't mean you can't pick it up right? Well, obviously I didn't. Instead I looked for refuge in my room instead. Anyway, talking to Tasha did help a little. To ease the tension and the desire to inflict bodily harm onto a certain member of the community. And talking about friends, it brings me back to the short note from BenTan on MSN messenger. Yeah, you guessed rightly, I told him off. I don't know why though, but I guess every time I see him, I remember the phase 'Problematic Child' and that just sparks something in me that makes me want to scream, hit or do something to him. Like I said this morning, I don't take lightly to being labelled wrongly or insulted without proof. But the relationship has already died, and I don't ever see it mending itself ever again. After all, if he can bring up the name over and over again every time he cannot win an argument with me, even forgiving him seventy seven times wouldn't be enough. So I guess I just need to get over it huh? Maybe getting over something, is actually much easier than it looks. Well, maybe it'll go into my resolutions for the new year (:

I guess that should be all that happened between this morning and just five minutes ago. I'm listening to the song 'Where Are You Christmas?' again. It really does seem to call to me this year. Maybe it's because I've lost Christmas. And frankly, I don't know if I want to even bother looking for it again next year. But maybe next year will be different aye? But then again, maybe not. Hahas. We'll just have to wait and see how things turn out. Oh, I'm also going to start a list of things that I'm not going to do and a list of things I am going to do next year. For instant, staying off Messengers and Multi Player games are two items on the list of things that I'm not going to do. I guess with so much time spent on gaming and waiting for people to come online, I've lost myself. Writing my stories again is definitely going on the list of things that I need to start doing next year. My stories have probably caught mold and I need to start cleaning them up again. I at least plan to finish one story, which of course is worthy to me, by the end of next year. It would most probably be Will You Stay? because I don't think I would be able to finish the Jeremy and Penelope story by the end of next year. Especially since I may possibly re write the story to iron out some kinks (: We'll see how it goes. I hope, it would go well.

I should be getting ready now. We're going to be heading how in another half an hour and I need to do my make up again. Curling of my eyelashes do indeed take up a lot of time. Hahas. But I think trying to stick on fake ones are going to result in pain and much more time wasted. Hence I'm sticking to curling my eyelashes manually. Hahas. So, maybe I'll blog about Dinner tomorrow or the day after. After all, it's only three days before the weekend is here. And another six days before the end of the year is upon us. I must start on those lists soon. Hahas. So I'll get going. Thanks for stopping by. Take care and God Bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

The first Christmas, that doesn't feel like Christmas

Good morning.

Yes, it is officially Christmas. Unfortunately, the Christmas spirit has already left me, even before it started to take root. I did, for at least two hours, feel in the Christmas mood. I was singing, and helping mother with the house chores. I was in the shower, dancing and curling my eye lashes just to look perfect. And then, as I sat there, amidst the crowd, the spirit left and I just felt disappointed. It was quite a weird feeling I guess. I never thought I'll feel disappointed, especially not in church. Sure, disappointment in the people I called friends. Disappointment in myself for having failed something, or someone. But never, in a million years, had I thought I would have felt disappointment in the only place I found peace. But I did. I guess wonders never cease to exist huh? It's 2.40am and I'm sitting in the dark, crying and listening to the song 'Nobody's Perfect'. Maybe I'm trying to console myself. Maybe I'm trying to make myself happy. Maybe I'm just trying to fool myself into thinking that tomorrow, or later today, would be different. And maybe the future, can still be ok even when I've messed up. Would you like to hear about the mass? I doubt I would like to re tell it. Because re telling it would mean I'd have to remember the extreme bored sensation I was thrown into and couldn't shake off. I mean, I have also never thought in a million years I'll sit in church and be bored. I mean, there's singing. There's happiness. There's God's love having given his son for us. How can anyone, anyone at all, even come close to being bored when exposed to such extreme love, such extreme emotions? Well, I did, apparently. I wouldn't say it was the music because I guess since everyone else clapped, the singing couldn't have been that boring. I wouldn't say there wasn't happiness because it was Christmas, and it was the time of Jesus' birth. And God's love is always there, so I don't think God's love was missing at all. And I still can't put my finger on it. I can say though, that I didn't enjoy the music. I knew some songs, I didn't know others. But the songs I knew, it just lacked the happiness which was suppose to be injected into the singing. I mean, you are singing about God inviting us to share his table. And you're singing like you're being dragged, chained and tortured to the table for a meal. But hey, that's my opinion. If you've got a different view, feel free to leave a comment if you're brave enough. If you aren't brave enough, zip it and get on with your life.

So we shall skip from Christmas mass to after Christmas mass. Shared the whole chocolate bar with Steffi and Gen. It's truly amazing what three girls when left to their own devices can get up to. I mean, a whole bar of chocolate! We were truly hungry I think, or had a deep craving for chocolate. The only thing missing was...Jessica. It seems weird without her around I guess. It seems weird without some people sometime, and I don't understand, how some people can carry on and pretend that everything is good and almost perfect? People leave, people come. It really isn't like I'm ignorant to this aspect of human nature. I guess I'm just not used to the fact that some people seem perfectly with this way of human nature. I mean, shouldn't you at least feel hurt when someone leaves? Or feel the gaping hole in your heart when that person returns? I mean, sure, you hope, wish, want for everything to fall back to how it was before. The way you could sit around and laugh. Touch and smile, without worrying someone was going to spread a rumor. Hug and say 'I love you' and mean it, without worrying you're going to be labelled a boyfriend stealing girl or a lesbian. The way you walked around town together, doing absolutely nothing but taking in the sights. Sat along the streets, talking about your lives and watching as other people's lives flash by you. I have felt that wish, desire, want, need for everything to go back to the way it was. But how can we? How can we really go back to the way it was when we are growing and changing every hour, every minute, every second? I don't think the little girl who wanted things to go back to the way they were before has really died. How do you kill a part of yourself you love so deeply? She's just been coaxed into a room, decorated with her dreams, filled with her hopes, painted with her wishes. The reality she's really living in only comes to her as nightmares, because when she wakes up, she stares up at her dreams and wishes, and feels all right with the world again. Maybe one day, when it's safe again, she'll get to run free in the fields with the adult who loves her so. But until then, she'll be safe, in her room of dreams, hopes and wishes.

Then there was the touch. Which by the way I am absolutely and totally pissed about. I would have preferred a hug, imagine that! But I wouldn't have done it, even if you were to say, pay me a million dollars. I wouldn't say my friendship has died, although I have tried stabbing it a couple of million times. It simply would not die. But I made a choice to leave, fifty five days ago, and I'm planning to stick by that choice even if I have to be a bitch in order to do so. It had crossed my mind to present a Christmas present, I don't know if I mentioned it here, but I really wasn't up to facing the rumors again. Being called a third party once hurts, twice numbs and more than three times just makes you want to hit someone. And I guess, that one moment, one Sunday, doesn't not explain the days he's lived. I have no doubt he is hardly sad at all, so scrap that feeling of me being sorry and wanting to put a smile on his face. Because I'm sure he has many false people to surround himself with. My only hope is that he doesn't drown when no one's there to help him out in times of trouble. So yes, back to my original feeling, I was pissed. Annoyed. Irritated. Murderous. The last word simply because I wasn't ready for another rumor to be spread that I was trying to steal him again. I mean, I don't care how many times people have said it or how I'm supposedly suppose to be numb to the words and rumors, I'm a girl with feelings. Real feelings that you probably don't know about or care. So I don't care how many times the rumor has been spread, or how many times it has been said to my face or behind my back, I'll still curl up into a ball at night and ask myself what I had done to deserve such words being said about me. This unfortunately brings back my last memory of BenTan. Yeah, the fight we had. Hahas. I don't even know why I'm still hurt. After all, it has been rumored that he insults the ones he love the most. Unfortunately, I don't take lightly to being insulted. As you should know by now. But it's no time to be talking about him now right? After all, he's the one who cut the ties. Who am I trying to convince him I'm worthy a split second of his time? Besides, I've got other things to do. Mainly, trying not to plot my plan to kill half the people I know. No, I am not serious about killing half the people I know plot. It's a joke, I'm trying to be humorous. So I guess this should be where I end my self started conversation on ElvinWee and BenTan. The two people whom I thought I had loved in the church which shunned me. Now, the two people I silently wish I had never met.

Talking about wishing never having met them. I've realized that about a few months before, thinking back on church, I had always said thank you, to God mainly, for the experiences and friendships and if I were given a choice to go back, I would have done it all over again. The exact same way, but maybe with a little more class. But now, I'm not so sure. Maybe I would have still been that innocent little girl, who thought that looks didn't matter and boys were troublesome creatures. Maybe I would have always rushed to Christ The King for early morning masses, and sometimes refuse to go for service. Then as usual, the internal conflict. But it's not like I would have a chance to do it all over again right? Chances like that, comes only once in a life time. I don't think mine's here yet. Although even if it did arrive, and knock me on the head with a rubber mallet, I probably would ignore it and go about it the clumsy usual way that is truly Amanda's. It's amazing I haven't truly messed up my life yet. Well, yet being the objective word. It's really times like this, at 3.20am in the morning that I wonder what's going to happen to me. And how I am going to turn out. That I'm sorely tempted to google palm reading, or a horoscope reading, or just anything that would give me an idea about what's going to happen in the future, and what's lined up for me. But I know I wouldn't do it. Because I, fortunately, or unfortunately [as some would say] still believe in trusting in God to provide and care for me. Even when I'm the biggest sinner in the world that can't ever seem to do anything right with her life. I guess some times it is good to listen to the little girl, or boy in some cases, residing in your head. After all, it wasn't adults to whom Jesus revealed the Kingdom of God to.

Well, as mentioned earlier, it is 3.23am and I really should be heading to bed. But let me finish my day, before I go. We had a ride home, and I cleaned myself and then I ended up here. Firstly because I couldn't spend an hour crying in the toilet. And secondly, I needed someone to listen to me. Even when in fact, probably no one checks this blog. Hahas. I guess having a blog is good for my soul. Just like how writing balances me, blogging keeps me sane without offending too many people. Hahas. You know me, it seems simply in my nature to offend the people closest to me. So, there is that lunch thing later this afternoon and then dinner at night. I really should get to bed so I don't end up being cranky and growling at everyone who annoys me. Unfortunately, there would be no drinks at the lunch or dinner. I swear I am becoming an addict! But at least this is controllable as although I like to drink, I'm not crazy over the taste of it or the sudden alertness it results in after the drink. So I guess I am safe. A drink or two now and then should serve to keep me sane and from soaking myself in drinks at my next clubbing outing. Speaking of which, I actually can't wait to go out. Hahas. Well, gotta save some money first since I'm going out with Tasha this coming, or next Thursday for her birthday (: So I guess, that might be the next time I blog or maybe New Year's Eve. We'll see how I feel. If I'm up to blogging or if I need to blog to stop myself from killing someone. This time, I'm not kidding. Ok, I've got this annoying headache on the right side of my head suddenly. So I really should go. Thanks for stopping by, I'm very touched by your concern even though I don't know who you are. Thanks for caring about me, cause it seems hardly anyone cares about me these days, unfortunately. So I should be going. And no, I still don't feel like Christmas. And just the song I've been listening to since I started this post, go check out the lyrics. Hannah Montana Lyrics This is the song I'm listening to when I feel in a ditch, and it's really good. Gives you the kick to get off your ass and to do something about a situation that you've been mulling over for so long. This headache is really killing me, so I'm outta here. Thanks for stopping by again. And although I'm not into the whole Christmas thing this year, I do hope you have a Merry Christmas. No one really deserves to be unhappy or alone, but it doesn't mean there aren't people who are unhappy or alone.

Amanda Loves You (:

Where are you Christmas?

Where are you Christmas?

Why can't I find you

Why have you gone away

Where is the laughter

You used to bring to me?

Why can't I hear the music play?

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Where are you Christmas?

Do you remember

The one you used to know

I'm not the same one

See what the time's done

Is that why you have let me go?

It seem appropriate to start the post with that song, since it was the song that I heard the moment I woke up to shouting in my house. It seems anyone can hardly sleep in this house anymore, because you've got to be awake and alert to catch every piece of drama that unfolds in this house. And mind you, I didn't say home, because this, sometimes doesn't feel like a home. Well, aside from my room that is. My room is currently my home, my only home. The three rooms outside my room, are just places I am required to frequent during various times of the day. Well, I'm sure you didn't come here to read about what I consider as my home and what I don't consider as my home. Great, I'm crying already. Two days before Christmas, and there's screaming. Ok, the tears have stopped. I definitely can't complete this post crying. So yes, I woke up to screaming this morning. And I don't ever understand anything, anything my grandmother says anyway. It's quite hilarious when you think about it, but that is definitely always after the incident when you're thinking back. And wonder, just briefly, why you couldn't have looked in her face and laughed at the plain silliness of her statements. No, I'm not laughing now unfortunately. I'm listening to Faith Hill, with my earphones, turned up to the loudest volume and I can still hear their muffled screams.

I remembered two days ago, when Susanna asked me how I was going to celebrate Christmas. And I said, We don't celebrate Christmas. How idiotic can a girl be to say that when her religion puts so much emphasis on Christmas, the coming of Christ? She obviously, like everyone else, knew how much Christmas meant to Christians so she asked again. And I revised my answer, everyday is Christmas as long as you act like it. You don't need one day to buy presents for a loved one, or tell them how much you love them. Or for the religious amongst us, to thank God for sending his son to us. Just like Mother's Day, I quoted. Then why didn't I believe it? I was having dinner yesterday, and then started tearing when I heard the song 'Santa Clause is coming to town' being sung on the television. I think the show's name was 'Elf' although I'm not very sure. But anyway, they needed to sing and believe in Santa for his sleigh to work, and yeah, I had to think to stop myself from crying and making a crazy fool out of myself. And I don't know, just how much I really am affected by this. I think they've stopped screaming at each other, but knowing my grandmother, the moment someone else steps through that door, the world is perfect with us. And me and my mother, just has to fall into the roll of happy daughter and granddaughter, no matter what we feel or how red our eyes are. Because the moment it's found out how upset we are, the reason for being upset would always be our own fault, just like it has always been.

Two more days to the Birthday cum Christmas party. And no one I invited could make it. I don't know how I am going to survive about an hour or so of family happiness. Because the last time I tried, I think I stayed in my room and cried for days. I think I remember saying in a previous post, that my family now only includes me and my mother. My grandmother and grandfather are still up for consideration. Seeing as how they much prefer to be with someone else in this community of ours. I'm not looking towards this get together. I would much rather have a get together with my JC Classmates which by the way, I will definitely not be attending. I mean, I already have something I don't want to go to so this would kind of be a replacement. I've already fixed that I wouldn't be dressing up or doing much with anything, so I'm going to stick to taking the photos or just work to staying out of them. Just thinking about it now is giving me a headache. Where did Christmas go to? Apparently it died and gone to heaven in my house.

If you realized, only the first part of the song is featured, because the ending is when Christmas is happily announced to be around us always if there's love in your heart. Unfortunately, I hardly have any love in me at this point in time for my extended community. Another day, and then it's Christmas. I can't wait for it to go, really. I guess there really is nothing more to say. And I'm much to emotionally drained to repeat what my grandmother said, although it is pretty funny once you think about it. Cause she says she doesn't take orders or commands, and yet she listens to my oldest aunt like a puppy in need of acceptance. It hurts I guess, the stuff she says. And I really cannot being to imagine why she even had to say any of those things. Especially not just a few days away from Christmas. But I guess, for me, Christmas has truly lost it's meaning.

I guess I should just be going now. There really is nothing much to say. The tears have stopped, and I'm trying to harden my heart. Because if there is even one single ill comment on Christmas Day, I can't promise I won't lose it and start screaming at people. And I would be thankful, enormously thankful that they decided to send me to a mental institution. Because I'll be more able to retain my sanity in a mental institute than to sit at a table with this extended community. So I guess I should be going now. Maybe I'll blog again soon if I'm not taken into custody by the mental institution workers. How am I going to survive this Christmas? I have no idea, absolutely no idea.

Amanda Loves You (:

The things my mind does to me.

Good morning.

Yes, it is already Thursday morning. I don't really know why I am still awake. I haven't been doing anything for the past two hours but sit here, in front of my computer and game. Hahas. So much for having a life. Today was the day. Well, to cleanse ourselves for Christmas. And I must say, in a way, I do feel better. And yet, the doubts have returned. The nagging thoughts have returned. And maybe if night never did come, no one would ever doubt themselves. What do you think?

I saw some people today, I might have been better off without seeing. But then again, how can you escape them, when you're rather closely tied with their immediate family? Sometimes it does seem like I'm fighting a losing battle. And yet, I would rather continue fighting than to lose myself forever. No formalities exchanged, absolutely none at all. Sure, maybe I have already sinned just by not saying hi. But I don't know, part of me really doesn't care. And the other part? The other part just really doesn't know what to do. And then there was the part where I kept rethinking my decision. I was suppose to be ok, you know. After that crying bout in bed after I wrote that entry in my blog about a month ago. After having avoided you for over a month. After deleting your number from my main phone, although never having the courage to totally wipe your number from my second line. I was suppose to be ok, everything was suppose to be ok. But as you can tell, it really wasn't from my previous entry. And if I do rethink, and decide to break my promise, to myself, one which you have no idea about. What would it mean then? That I'll take your greetings when you decide it's safe to talk to me? That I'll wait patiently by the computer when you say you'll be back, and then seeing you go offline? Contenting myself with a few messages, when it seems you never have anything to say to me? And then facing the rumors, people I trust, throw at me like they don't hurt? Because if you haven't noticed, none of the accusations have been aimed at you. I'm the only one who've been shouldering the accusations. And you still, have the guts to say that you've done nothing to lose me as a friend. There, at the bottom of my heart is love mixed with anger, and tears. But I have though, submitted to the idea that I am the one in the wrong. That if it weren't for me, maybe everything would've been better to a much larger extent. It's amazing how influence can change a person's thinking. Yes, I'm sure you should be able to tell. The dark monster residing in the darkest and deepest part of my heart has been unlocked and is roaming the empty shell that is me, making sure every bit of wall I had built up has been grounded to dust. Let's change the topic shall we?

Manicure and Pedicure appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping for a nice colour, to go with the dress I'll be wearing for the party on Friday. And hopefully the new dress I'm going to be getting for Christmas (: A girl can never have too many clothes! Well, unless of course your cupboard is really too small to hold anymore clothes. Hahas. Well, I'm yawning and I'm tearing. It's pretty bad I think. So it's off to bed now. Maybe I'll blog next week, after Christmas because I would be extremely busy on Christmas day and on Christmas Eve. Until then, take care of yourself.

Amanda Loves You (:

My heart still aches for you.

Good evening.

I know, I'm not suppose to be online but I promise I will jump into bed at 11pm. And then I'll be up tomorrow at 6.30am to get my ass to work. I promise. Can't promise I'll be on time, but I will get to work xP Cut this girl some slack won't ya? Anyway, I'm here to blog about last Friday and Sunday. Many things happened, on Friday and on Sunday. But let's start with the happy stuff first won't we?

Friday started off pretty well. Although the first thing I thought of in the morning was 'Oh my goodness, am I late for work!' It was a pretty funny thought when I was in the shower. Got changed, did my make up and then rushed out of the house at 8.30am. I got out of the shower at 7.30am by the way. Yes, an hour to get ready. I am truly becoming a girl. Hahas. So we got a bus down to Toa Payoh, and then hopped onto another bus to Thomson Plaza. The shop was not opened when we arrived, which was at 10.30am. We stood around for a bit and then the shopped opened. We decided on four movies, I took an extra for me and mummy since it was cheaper to borrow five than to borrow four. So the movie line up was....wait, I don't want to let you know. hahas. Unless you were there, you'd never know what we watched xP See if you can pry it out of me. Hahas. So we then went shopping for food! Oh, glorious food. We got lots of chocolate, and snacks and we got a carton of milk. We went down to buy a meal from Burger King for the little girl, but Burger King had closed down and Subway was on it's way! I'm immensely happy even though I wouldn't have Burger King near me again. Hahas. Anyway, we then headed back home and started our movie marathon! There are a lot of stuff that happened between that and the evening movie we watched. After the movie marathon we decided to get out of the house and we caught a new release, Alvin and the Chipmunks! It was totally awesome! I will be putting up a video of them, definitely, and then you'll see what I'm crazy about.

I am going to bed now, but I will continue tomorrow. Yes, I will continue this post. See you then. Until then, my heart still aches for you.

Hey there again. I'm back and it's Tuesday night, as promised. I don't know if it was because I slept late and thus woke up in a hurry, or was it some other supernatural doing that my day was horrible! First in the morning, I got stepped on, pushed about and molested by a BAG! Yes dear reader, a stupid, ignorant bag. It was trying to un-hook my bra, I should've hit it but I obviously moved away pretty disturbed. After which, I continued getting pushed and stepped on in the train. And finally, peace at work! Work has been improving, tremendously. But let us get on with my recollection of Friday and then, Sunday and the end of my day, today.

After the movie, we had dinner which by the way is my new favorite and was delicious! On the way home thou, we met Father Khoo which was pretty funny cause Steffi was the first one to notice him. Hahas. After sending everyone home, we headed home and I went to bed at 1am. Trust me, I still don't know how I got up the next morning to go to work. Hahas. Anyway, we shall skip the Christmas party and jump straight to Sunday Morning.

Theoretically, I thought I would have been perfectly fine seeing you again. Personally, I thought I would've been able to ignore you and pretend I didn't know you, like how I was suppose to. Frankly, I realized I had counted the number of days since I last saw you. I don't know what's wrong with me, really. My heart tells me this, my mind tells me that, and I have no clue who to trust, or who to believe. After all, both heart and mind are a part of me. And no, my soul isn't having any part in my love life. So yes, I saw the guy I left 43days ago. It was weird, because he was suppose to be happy. I hardly saw a smile. And I don't know, I was tempted. Very much tempted to go up there and just say hi, or tease him about something so he would smile. But not there, and not then. Because there is no way in hell I was going to put myself up for another slander story. So I sat tight, talked, laughed, joked, and acted like seeing him didn't have an effect on me. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, because then maybe some supernatural force wouldn't have made me see him again today. I mean, there is no humanly possible way I was going to see him again today unless there was divine intervention right! And you know, the worst part wasn't seeing him again. The worst part was having my heart beat irregularly in my chest, the heat crawling up my neck and the redness seeping into my cheeks. It was almost like back in the days when I attended service faithfully just to look at him for an hour. What is a girl to do about her heart? My mind rationalized all the reasons why it would have never worked out between us. Of course, that was after I realized he was never going to look at me the way he looked at the other girls. He was too thin for me to look good next to him. He was too reliant when I needed someone to rely on. He was too obedient when I needed someone who'd tell me what they felt and wanted. There were so many reasons, although illogical and stupid, that my mind came up with. And yet, my heart still skips more than a beat when I saw him today. And I still couldn't stop smiling. What is a girl to do? Can anyone help me.

And then, my heart yearns for another that almost completes me. Another who made me happy, even during the brief month we were together. Another who'd I'll hurt myself before I hurt him. Another whose so far away, it hurts just to think about him. And yet, I can't stop. I can't forget the midnight conversations. The infinite promises. The smiles. The laughter. The happiness I had possessed. I want you back here, by my side, so I can turn to you when I need a comforting hug. When I need a shoulder to cry on. When I need someone to tell me it's going to be all right. If you read this, I don't know if I blame you for going away. I know you wanted to do it for so long. It's your dream, and how can I ever fault you for wanting to pursue your dream? I just wished there was another way I could be with you. To talk to you. To at least know you still love me, even if that love has diminished. At least I know you'll still love me, when I'm still head over heels in love with you. I know, how much can this girl love you when her heart beats for another boy from long ago. But there has to be a difference, doesn't it? The way my heart beats for you, and the way it beats for him. But I wouldn't know, because if I did, I wouldn't be crying. I wouldn't be feeling like a cheating bitch. I wouldn't feel like I had betrayed your love for me. Forgive me, I know I love you, it's just hard, to control something that doesn't want to be controlled.

My heart aches now. For the love I had wanted, and the love I'm clinging on to for. How can two totally separate groups of people exist in the same plane? A group who finds their true love and remains eternally happy with that one person. While another goes on searching for their whole lives and never seems to be able to find the one that holds their heart. It's really amazing isn't it? But I guess, the world is full of small wonders. I guess that's how God made it so we'd never get tired of living in this world, day after day after day. And before I go, since Christmas is around the corner, I thought I'd jot this legend down for the sake of the love birds out there. It was from a fan fiction story I read, and I don't think I'm breaking any laws by typing this down cause it's a legend, and there are no copyright or whatever. Ok, mother is chasing so here is the legend. This is Christmas Eve in Japan where it's important for young ladies to have someone to spend Christmas Eve with. They hope for a romantic dinner, hopefully followed by a night in a nice hotel. [Please get your mind out of the gutter.] Small gifts are exchanged. This is as Christmas Eve in Japan has been promoted as a time for romantic miracles. The legend goes that if you confess your true feelings to each other on that night, your wish will come true. So to all you single ladies, or even attached ladies out there, go spend a lovely evening with your lucky guy and who knows, if his feelings are true, you might just have your future mapped out for you (: As for me, I'm going to hop into bed and hope I can wake up tomorrow morning. Take care, and thanks for reading! And to you two, probably the most special men in my life right about now. My heart aches, for the both of you. And just an extra note, I love you J. I hope you know that.

Amanda Loves You (:

The things I do to myself.

Good evening.

It's officially been two weeks since I last blogged. And I am quite certain that no one is reading this blog. Not anyone who cares enough to leave a comment, anyway. But whatever, I can now rant over and over about the same issue and no one's going to tell me to get a life, because no one is reading this blog. Many, many things have happened these past two weeks. Some, most are happy memories. A few are memories best forgotten to the folds of time. Although the noise outside the room isn't helping, the banging of chairs and re arranging of furniture. And then, there are a few recent memories which I would like to now forget. Anyone thinks a gun would help?

I am still unfortunately looking for love in all the wrong places. hahas. But you could say that I haven't been looking. Either I've been too lazy or I really cannot be bothered. Not at the moment anyway. I've heard from that boy across the sea. However it was a rather short note, but I guess he was busy. Just like how everyone is when it comes to Amanda. Replied to him and then sent out another letter to a friend whom I've not seen in a long time. That was after I came home from a dinner date with Tasha and her boyfriend. And seeing them, just makes me want to bury myself in a dark hole and cry. You're not suppose to be jealous of your friends are you? No, says my conscious mind just as my subconscious mind echos it's sentiments. I'll still go out with them, both couples. I'll still smile, and laugh. I'll still busy myself with my phone, and look the other way. I'll watch longingly from the sidelines, and be glad that love is still present in our world today. Nothing much has happened in the love department, as mentioned earlier. Yeah, I'm still waiting for the boy who everyone says is going to break my heart. I met Sara again, a friend from long ago. A past where I smiled, was happy and never cried. She still makes me smile, blush and wish I didn't love him as much as I do. I'm sorry if I disappoint you Sara, but I'm not the good girl you make me out to be. Well, it was refreshing talking to her since I've about lost all contacts with people from my wonderful, happily fake past.

Tomorrow is the big planned outing with the girls. Again, the sense of disappointment grips at me and a small voice in my head says it'll all go wrong, and I'll end up in tears again tomorrow night. But it's not only the disappointment now. Because I know, I don't want to see her. Maybe I'm being petty. Maybe I'm being stupid. Maybe I'm being jealous. There are so many things I could be. But at least, I'm honest to the people I love. Though I doubt she even considers me her friend. Or maybe she's becoming more like them, and it's a defence mechanism to lock myself away from her. After all, it's not like I haven't been burnt. And not once, but twice. I rather be alone, trying to make myself happy or screwing myself over, than to let someone else do the job. I don't know why I invited her in the first place. I'm mad, I know. I did take at least a week to think about it. And then I did it that Saturday I was celebrating. She might have not been able to make it, but the other girl talked her into coming. And I'm really not sure what I am feeling now. No, there isn't anyone else but this blog I can talk about this. Because my mother will probably say, 'I told you so' because she's still upset about what happened on my birthday. I can't talk to the girl I rant to about, because I don't know what she'll say. She may defend her, she may not. But I'm not one to turn a friend against another. It just isn't right. No matter what the situation. How do I get myself into these situations I really have no idea. I guess I'll just have to sleep on it, and hope for the best tomorrow. Not to mention, I am broke after shopping with mother just now so I don't know how much we are going to be doing tomorrow. Although I am pretty optimistic with the nail polishing. And a funny story, a girl's sister wouldn't lend her the nail polish. I could think of a few reasons why, but it's not really nice to reveal how evil people really are. Unless of course you're talking about yourself or Hitler. Or those who have lived, made a mark and then died. They can't do much to you but curse and swear at you from where they are. hehes. Ok, I'm trying to rabble so I perk myself up. It's amazing how I can bring myself up and then bring myself down again. It really is truly amazing how the human mind works. Or rather, how my mind works. But on to another topic.

I went shopping today with mother. Well, I did a little shopping with Tasha yesterday, but I went back to buy the dress I saw. And I ended up with three dresses and one top (: and a necklace for Saturday's dinner. After all, a girl's gotta be at her best at a party right? One dress is green, a sweet child like green for this Saturday's dinner. A bright blue halter like dress for hopefully, partying or more casual social events. A brown dotted dress for definite casual wear as well for work. And the final blouse, definitely for clubbing. I mean, it is laced up in front. A definite party wear don't you think? (: And talking about clubbing, I really am getting into this whole clubbing thing. Although after reading an article on the bad habits of drinking. I think I would start sleeping from 10pm to 3am on normal days. And on those days I club, I guess it can't be helped. Hahas. But it's good I hardly do most of the stuff, aside from the drinking. I would most definitely not go to bed with my make up. It'll run all over on my bed! And there is no way I'm going to take up smoking. I'm sorry love, but if you want a girl who smokes, bark up someone else's tree. And yes, I know my friends smoke. It's amazing I don't, but I have a grand uncle whose dying of lung cancer. I don't intend to go that way. I'm not cursing people mind you, I actually do love the people I know who smoke like my friends, but I'm not going to take it up anytime soon. So if you want a girl who smokes, bark up another tree. Drugs is a definite no no. hahas. It's not really the cost of the drugs, it's more of the I'd rather buy shoes with the cash. hahas. Yeah, that's amanda for you. The weird little girl whose in her own world half the time x)

It is almost 11.30pm. And I have found a route to Thomson Plaza tomorrow. So I should be heading to bed. For some beauty sleep and to rest my mind. Because I'm waiting almost anxiously at the computer for a message to pop up from him. And it's quite bad since I get grumpy when I don't get a mail. Hahas. Ok, I'm going then. I'll try and blog sooner. But I've been really busy. And with work? I'm beginning to love my work again, and the new girl is absolutely wonderful! hehes. We'd see how life picks up after this, I hope. Take care, if you're reading this. I'm outta here. Be back soon hopefully. Oh, and if anyone is interested, I'm going to start writing again. Adrian and Heidi. They're going to be happy eventually, but right now, they're going to have to work for it. Nothing in this world comes for free. Not even love. And with that, I'm gone!

Amanda Loves You (:

The urge to find someone to love.

Good evening.

It has been almost a week since I blogged. I was thinking of blogging last Saturday, but I was busy dancing with Sasa. Then Tuesday was the graduation night and the sleepover, which meant I didn't have my laptop with me and that I didn't come home. And yesterday, I just came home and slept. Tuesday did take more out of me than I thought. As you can see, a lot has happened since the last time I blogged. As well as hearing from that someone whose not that far away from me now and yet, he is still is far away from me. The world really is too big for it's own good. Previously, I would probably blog about what happened during dancing, the grad night, the sleepover, the morning after and then him. But I think I'll touch a little before jumping into my discussion topic for today. Which by the way, is about me trying to find someone special for me this Christmas.

Dancing was fun, as usual. Met more new people. Ok, one new person. The other one didn't count because he was freaky and sneaky. Hahas. I must say I did have fun and I do look forward to more dates to go dancing. At least that's one way I can have fun in my boring life. Graduation night was fun, extremely. But don't I always have fun when I'm with them? Hahas. I need to expand my make up collection. So I'm definitely adding that to my wish list, so that someone out there would buy me a voucher or something. Hahas. There are so many new things I want to buy! It's almost too many to buy at one shot. Not including the fact that I probably wouldn't have enough money. Hahas. There are just too many things to buy x) The sleepover was interesting. Night time talks in the dark are fun, especially people who you cherish. And yet, I couldn't get you out of my mind. But that's for later, let me continue first. The morning after was funny and then lunch was good. Well, there really is nothing much for me to say about work. Only that, that one week without her, was an absolute and total mistake because I can't seem to be around her anymore! Well, I never smile when I'm around her. It's almost like I can't. And yeah, it may be me but who really cares? Because if you don't know by now that I really don't like people who hurt me, I might probably not like you very much. So enough about her, because even talking about her is making me roll my eyes. Hahas. On to my topic of discussion which I have been thinking about since Tuesday, which brings the total day count to 2. That's yesterday and today, in case you can't count.

You shouldn't really be jealous of your friends or what they have between them should you? Because I can say, with a truthful heart, that I was jealous Tuesday night. And oh my goodness, just thinking about him being at least 10 countries away from me just made me want to cry that night in the hotel. Which wasn't really good because they were sleeping in the bed beside me and they would have heard the sobs. And then, the image shifts and changes and another face pops up. How many boys can a girl love at once? Don't ask me, because I don't know. I miss them both equally, almost. I love them both, for their different traits. And I can't choose between them because my heart can't decide. I can safely cross out the third boy, simply because he probably doesn't like me anyway. And I don't think I like him in that way anyway. Because he's probably like an older brother to me, someone who made me smile when all I did was cry. So, the image shifts and then a memory brings back a boy from the past. No, I think I am thoroughly over NC. He's not worth it. A boy who puts himself before anyone else, isn't worth it. Although I am still pondering on why my heart aches when I see him, and when he looks at me and looks away. Every time I am determined to wait for the one who says he loves me, to come back to me, someone else comes along and tempts me. And it's so easy to follow temptation when your heart is almost crying out for someone to love you. But I guess, it means something when at the end of everyday, he's the only one in my thoughts. If he's safe. If he's sleeping. If he's thinking about me like he said he would. The urge to cry every night, is really overwhelming. And I don't know, if that someone does come along before he returns. Someone who'd love me or promise me something I've always wanted, would I wait or would I go. So far I've waited, and my heart aches and eyes hurt. But you know me, men and boys alike run off the moment I start being attached emotionally. It's almost like I'm just something, or at least someone they can just have around for the fun. Which hurts by the way. I don't know much really. I do know that I miss you, a lot. A whole lot. Well, Christmas is around the corner isn't it? Maybe miracles do happen during Christmas. Or maybe God feels extra generous during Christmas and showers more miracles down on us. Hahas. I should be jumping over to my e-mail to send him a letter because he did ask for one. So, I'm stopping here for now. And maybe another conversational topic would hit me in the next few days. And before I go, a message for my special someone. I miss you, J.

Well, I guess that is about all. The date with the girls are confirmed on the Friday before I need to go back to work on Saturday. I've decided not to cut my hair, but I am deciding to do something else with it. Hahas. I'm determined to get more make up. And I guess that's about all that has been up with me. Oh, movie next week with the two of them which I'm looking forward to (: And yes, I think that is about it. Hahas. I'm off to play some games. I think I'll postpone that letter because I'm not feeling exactly happy at the moment. Especially not after all this talk about my aching heart. If you're reading this love, I'll write you soon. I promise. So, this is me getting out of here. I'll hope to see you soon, and I really am beginning to think that no one is reading this blog. Hahas. But that's better for me so I don't have to worry about saying anything that might upset anybody because nobody is reading. Hahas. I'll see you soon, I hope. Take care and God bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

Three questions for you to ponder upon.

Good Evening.

It has indeed been a rather hectic week. Especially with the collecting and collating of Service Champions and the EXSA Award gifts. But I've manged to survive and am ending my third day on my own in the office, alive. I just received an e-mail from a friend, more like an acquaintance whom I don't keep in contact with anymore, with three questions that we are to reply which would then be posted in a bi weekly newsletter. Yes, you guessed it right, I'm not going to reply him but instead I'll talk about it here on my blog. After all, I don't think anyone knows about this blog seeing as how pathetically, my first comment is by a company possibly located in Brazil. If you're wondering what it means, try translating it from Portuguese to English. And then you'll know what I mean. Hahas. So, yes, the questions. I'll type them out because copying and pasting them just screws up the alignment of my post. Just like how this very far and distant acquaintance used to be able to ruin my plans as easily as he talks.

1. What does it mean to be a Catholic?

2.Who is God to You?

3. How can you better live that faith that shows your Catholic identity?<br>

I have effectively 10 minutes to complete this post. Pack my bag. Clear my bed. And then jump into bed with my imaginary boyfriend. Hahas. Yeah, the last bit was a joke. Laugh, it's mid week. So let's get to it because I do need to get to bed. What does it mean to be a Catholic? I don't know really. I mean, I thought I used to. Ok, so for me, my used to was this. Living as closely as possible to the bible. And no, I don't mean all the strict rules which Moses laid down for the people. I mean, what Jesus said when He came. All that loving your neighbour and the ten commandments as well. I mean, the 10 commandments are pretty much easy to live by. Aside from the no gossiping clause. Hahas. And then yes, it was destroyed. Because the people I saw who were respected in this Church as being holy, or serving God. They couldn't love me, and they definitely couldn't stop gossiping about me. And now, I don't know what it means to be a Catholic anymore. Does it mean donating every Saturday when you see a student standing with a coin box in their hands? Does it mean going for daily mass and receiving the Holy Eucharist? Does it even mean giving 10% of your earnings to the church as stipulated in the Bible? Yes, it's somewhere in the Bible. I know it is. What does it really mean? If I were to just give my thoughts on it now. This is what I think being a Catholic means. Being a Catholic means trusting in Jesus. Trusting that small voice when troubles arise, and putting aside your human nature. Being a Catholic means loving your neighbour, even as clique as it sounds. I mean, how can you be a Catholic if you can't follow the one commandment the one you love gave you? At this point in time, that really is all I can think of. And if I measure myself by these standards. I wouldn't consider myself a Catholic. I trust Jesus, I do. But not with the most important thing in my life. And loving my neighbours? I find it hard to sit beside my colleague without my mp3 blasting into my ear. It's hard to call myself a Catholic. But I am trying. Although I don't foresee the day I'll be able to sit beside her without my mp3. I really don't. Anyway, back to the point. Those are my two ideas of what being a Catholic means. Now on to the next question.

Who is God to me? I love this question. He's my friend. I mean, yeah, if you do know me well enough you'd know I sometimes seem to be talking to myself. And yes, sometimes I am, but sometimes I'm not. Because I'm always sure there's someone listening to me. Even when the world wouldn't listen to me. Yes, he's my King, Father, and every other name that has been given to him by the Saints and Religious over the years. But I guess, in my little world of supposed innocence and forced ignorance, he's my friend. The one friend who'd always lend me his shoulder to cry. His ear to listen. His shirt to dry my tears. I just need to learn to realize that he will always be there. Since I've always been waiting for my friends to leave. I don't really notice the ones who stay. I am indeed growing old. It's only 10pm and I'm beginning to yawn. Last question, and then I'm off to bed.

How better can I live the faith? For one, I could try forgiving people and seeking forgiveness. But not yet, I guess. I'm not yet ready or strong enough to face them or anyone. It hurts to be rejected once. But to be rejected repeatedly. You sure need to have skin as thick as a 6 inch wall and a will power as strong as twenty strong horses. Another point which I touched on in my previous post. I have started talking to Him in the darkness of the night and the silence of the morning. It does help, to reflect and end my day well. That and appreciation of the things in the day. Right, my mind has gone to bed already. I apologize if this post isn't as mind stimulating or as entertaining as you had thought it was going to be but I really need to be getting to bed.

So thank you for dropping by to read my blog. And do leave a comment! You know I would love to hear from you (: I'm off then. Off to bed, snuggled up in my warm cozy nest. Good night, and God bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

What is Life?

Good Morning.

It is indeed a Saturday morning and I am at work. It's my duty this week and although I did come back during the first week of November which was when I fell and scraped my knee again, I need the extra time to cover up my MC on Wednesday and the future leave I will be taking next week. Ah yes, I love coming to work on Saturdays. The office is quiet and I can work in peace. Only the radio playing in the background and the soft mumbling of the other co worker who is at the other end of the office. Perfect environment to get work done isn't it? Anyway, this week is going to indeed be an extremely hectic week. For one, my colleague beside me wouldn't be here the entire week. Which I am secretly glad because I indeed need time away from her. And thus I would be covering her duty. And believe it or not, I'm up for the challenge. And I'm also determined to get her work as well as my own work done! Hehes. Personal achievement if I may say so (:

Thinking back on starting this job. It has probably been the most fulfilling of the four jobs I've held so far. It's not the time span which I've been here because my first job, although for only a mere two months, I had the most fun there as well. Not to mention, I learnt about the world a lot more. Especially the working world, where back stabbing and sabotage results in much more dire consequences. I still remember when I first started my first job and throughout my other jobs, I always wondered why no one ever smiled in the early morning on the train, or the bus. Well, given that you did get a good night sleep before, shouldn't you be happy going to work? Because I did indeed love my jobs, the ones I've held before and the one I'm holding now. I mean, what good is a job if you're not having fun? Sure, some might say it's a job which is precisely why it isn't suppose to be fun. But if the job isn't fun, how do you put in your whole effort to create something that could be worthy of praise? Perhaps this view of mine, is thoroughly child like with views that haven't been corrupted by the vicious competition at the workplace. But I do believe that even at higher levels of corporate workings, if one doesn't enjoy what one is doing, how can one produce anything that is possibly worth of praise? And I'm sure if you actually do approach people who are working at much higher position that I am right now, you might find out that they too love what they are doing. Despite the pitfalls, drawbacks and failures that they may have encountered along the way. Although I admit, I am experiencing a slight burn out with regards to this job. I don't blame wholly the girl sitting next to me, although she doesn't hold a slight responsibility, I find that it's the working hours and the repetitiveness of the job. Even in our lives, we can not always be doing the same thing over and over again without getting bored. I'm sure even the most boring person in the world wouldn't like doing the same thing over and over again. But I do find that I still want to come to work. I like what I am doing, and I like that in the process of doing the job, I am able to meet more people and hopefully build up my interpersonal skills. I love admin work. And no, it isn't brain dead work all the time. And then, that brings me to my next question. What is Life?

Some religious people might say Life is just the process whereby we work towards the end of eternal life. The merits we work on earth would be tabulated at the end of our lives to see where we fit. And so Life in that aspect is just a journey whereby we accumulate good deeds that we have done and try our best to avoid doing anything bad, or evil. Some people believe that there isn't anything after Death and Life is meant to be enjoyed. Which includes doing anything that would increase your pleasure on this earth before the end is near, including unacceptable activities as perceived by society. Frankly, I don't know what to feel about Life, really. In this day and age, time is passing so quickly that we hardly stop to appreciate the gift of Life that has been bestowed upon us. The religious priests pray each morning, thanking God for allowing them another day of Life. Little children kneel by their beds in the evening, thanking God for the wonderful day that they had experienced. It's almost no doubt that religious priests don't falter in saying their morning and evening prayers daily. But as a child grows older and as his list of activities per day grows quicker than the hair on his head, how often do these children remember to kneel by their bed to thank God for the day that had been bestowed upon them? I admit, I'm guilty of dropping into bed and falling immediately asleep without a word of thanks to my creator for giving me the strength to complete the day. Or jumping out of bed and into the shower without even thanking him for giving me another day to experience the wonderful thing we call Life. And even if I might say that I would start, it does indeed take a whole lot of will power and sheer determination to set aside just five minutes a day, for the one who breathed Life into us. But back to the main topic here, about Life.

Life has been changing ever since the beginning of time. Well, that is my take anyway. The meaning of Life for woman in the past, let's say about a hundred years ago, meant growing up, learning the house chores, marrying that perfect guy who pleases your parents and then taking care of your own brood of children. But now, a woman is pride on her academic achievements, her ability to withstand a corporate position equal to man or simply the ability to juggle a career with children at home. On the other hand, our counterparts are striving for the highest position, with the highest pay. The one who is able to have a successful career and yet still be the perfect husband and father. How often do we rush to achieve these goals that we miss the whole point of Life, the roses which make up the bed of Life? Fathers miss their child's first step while away, half way across the world, on a business trip. Mothers miss their child's first word while working late on an important project. Parents miss the activities in their child's life while busy climbing the corporate ladder, trying to improve their quality of Life. I would indeed rather be poor and experience these small wonders which Life bestows upon us than slog half my life away, only to miss these wonders and constantly wonder what Life is all about. I must admit that even taking the train in the early morning is a wonder in itself. I mean, did you know that so many people could fit into one train carriage even when it was already bursting at the seams? Didn't think so. Or a child's wonder at seeing the world for the first time, it's eyes darting around to take everything in? Or a child's gleeful smile when not only his parents pay him the attention he wants? Many a time, we're cold reserved people when we're on the street. Smiles, laughter, caring touches reserved for the ones we love or the people we know. Have you ever thought of sharing these reserved affection for the people around you daily? The bus driver that takes you from downstairs your place to the train station. The person next to you whose on her way work. The colleague that passes you in the office, even if he isn't from your department. Is it really so hard to crack a smile, or are we in reality a cold and unfeeling race? I don't know. What I do know is that even if the human race is a cold and unfeeling race, I'm determined to make everyone I meet everyday smile. Even if they don't smile at first, it doesn't hurt me to smile at them (:

I must say, not the best debater at the moment. Never have been and probably never will be. So just let me reveal in the moments when I feel smart and when my mind is working. Hahas. Well, it is almost 11am and work ends at 12.30pm for me today. So I should return to my data entry. I'll promise to blog soon! And you may have noticed I didn't write much about my past few days because nothing much has happened because I've only been gaming and getting sick. Hahas. Maybe I'll elaborate in my next post. But for now, I'm outta here! See you! And thanks for dropping by. Do leave a comment! *poof*

Amanda Loves You (:

What does family mean?

Good Morning.

It's again an early morning post. 3 minutes to 11 and then an hour before we meet Sasa for lunch. And by we, I mean the girl sitting beside me and me. It has been a while since we've had lunch together. Yesterday being the first time in about 5 days. It wasn't too bad. No blood, unfortunately. But it was as cold as ever. ALthough I find that with detatchment, I'm less irritatible and annoyed. Anyway, at least there will be a buffer today. And I'm not really feeling up to conversation at the moment because I'm feeling a little light headed. Hope I'll be ok with a little sun and exercise. I feel like I'm moving in my seat, that and my head hurts. I seriously hope it's nothing. Because the last time I felt like this, I fainted, in the middle of a car park. Anyhow, more troubles are ahead for me, unfortunately.

First being the irritatible mother I have at work today. Somehow, I don't see how I can eridcate any of the blame off my grandmother's shoulders since after all, there isn't anyone else to blame there is there? Although blaming her, isn't as unreasonable as it may sound to be. After all, who leaves without helping with the clearing up? Sure, given she's old and needs rest, it's not like my mother's superwoman even when she tries to make it so. And yes, I am pissed off at that she has to try and be superwoman so that the other relatives in this big community we call Family, would be happy and keep their mouths shut tightly. But that is beside the point. The point here right now is that I'm actually annoyed at my grandmother for doing what she does. That and it's painfully obvious that she doesn't really care about our well being. But there are so many factors aren't there? And to even discuss this problem, would bring up a whole other string of problems which I have successfully managed to sweep under the rug. So I don't know. Somehow I just wish she would wake up one day and realize that we're doing the best we can to please her. While the rest of her family, note I said her and not mine, because really, I only have my mother as my family. And Pharoh of course. As I was saying. While the rest of her family just tries to act as though they are trying to please her or even care for her. I mean, giving her money is one thing but demanding she doesn't do this or that with the money should not be something a daughter or son does right? And no, I don't tell my mother what she can or can not do with the money I give her. And no, it's not because I'm not yet an official adult. Anyway, this light headed ness thing is making me sick. I think another paragraph and I'm off to rest a bit before lunch.

Heroes yesterday was a good show to have watched. It's settled though, that this Friday, we're going to check out the gym. I really, seriously need to start losing weight T.T Ok, I can't take this anymore. So I'm off. I'll be back tomorrow. Probably in the evening. I'm gone. *poof*

Amanda Loves You (:

Just another lazy Monday.

Good Morning.

It's only ten past eleven. Another fifty minutes before it's 12, and then another thirty minutes for it's time to head out for lunch and out of this stuffy office. Something has been triggering my nose the entire day. Or rather, the entire morning. Maybe I need some more heat and some sunlight. Should be good for me shouldn't it? (: Although I have been drinking hot warm water. It has helped a little, but I think a little sun could do me some good as well! Anyhow, it has indeed been a lazy Monday morning. Maybe not more lazy as it is boring. I find myself being bored at work constantly during the week now. It's pretty curious seeing as I do, indeed, have a lot of work to be done. Maybe I should ask for more work, hahas. I'm mad I know, but I really do hate not having anything to do. Gives me time to let my mind wonder. And I really, seriously, do not want to do that.

So I'm kind of back to square one with almost everything in my life. Let me list down the things for you. Church. Gaming. and Life. Yeah, that's basically about it. I don't really know where I am with the church now. Sure, I go for weekly masses and devotions. I pray, at most, weekly as well. I talk to him, constantly in my mind. But I don't know. Somehow I feel like I'm not back at square one, but rather, a step behind square one. I don't think there is anything that could make me join another ministry in the church. No, absolutely nothing. I wouldn't mind helping out with activities, like the up coming anointing mass in December. Or maybe the weekly projector project. Which by the way I've decided not to do because I would not subject myself to once again be under the scrutiny of a person, I had rather not have any contact with. I have thought of playing for the Tuesday Mass again. And monthly Friday Mass. But no, my love for music would not be destroyed by something I know I'm not good in. And even if I am determined to pick up the organ again. I wouldn't succumb myself to doing something I had rather not be doing. So basically it's the anointing mass. Yes, I like the people there so I wouldn't mind going the extra mile. It's all about who we love and who we don't isn't it? And they said money makes the world go round. pfffft. But that really is all I can see myself doing in the church anymore. No more Youth Meetings. No more Youth gatherings to attend. Nothing to do with the Youth or any other person that can't look at me in the eye. No. Why put myself through hell when I may even end up in hell in the end. Hahas. So yes, I actually don't mind being one step behind square one because maybe it means I'm away from the material world and closer to God. Possible no? Anyhow, the book, The Heart Breaker, is a good book if you're questioning your faith. Well, maybe not an overly fantastic book to help revive your faith but it does pull at your heart strings and make you aware of some things you may not have been aware of before. It is a good read I must say.

Talking about good reads. The national library has doubled the borrowing rate again! Yes, it is because of the December Holidays. I am so tempted to go borrow 8 books from the library! But I know that mother will be overwhelmed by the number of books which would then crowd her room so I've decided to read finish all the books I have on me, store them neatly and nicely, and then start borrowing more books! And I have decided that I will buy books from the jumble sale every year. That is why I need to start cataloging my books so that I wouldn't buy double copies even if they are at only twenty cents per book. So I really am going to start needing more space. A new cupboard perhaps? If any of you has seen my room, I may need to take down the step up photo, in lieu of a new cupboard. But I know I can't bear to. And if I paste them on my door, I wouldn't hang anything on the hooks. Hahas. So I am indeed in another dilemma. So many questions, so few answers. Hahas. Well, I'll figure it out somehow. Because there is absolutely no way I'm going to stop reading unless I'm broke or suddenly become blind. Which I hope not because I am planning to get a new pair of glasses. Anyway, this concludes my talk of my books. I really absolutely can't wait to read finish all my books! What an exciting goal isn't it? (:

Also another topic I want to bring up is my exercising routine! I swear, ever since I fell down, everything has been messed up! Although I am planning a trip down to the gym on Friday to check it out. And hopefully getting in about an hour of cycling. And muscle building if I can fit it in. Upper body of course, because my lower body would be cycling. And then I was thinking of making Saturday my exercising day. You know, wake up early morning, exercise, lunching with mother and then mass in the evening. But it's not like you don't know me. I don't like doing anything alone aside from going to the ladies. So I am trying to find people to exercise with! Anyone wanna join me? x) But aside from that, I'll try making it every Friday. At least that way, we wouldn't need to rush home to sleep or anything. Because the next day is Saturday. But it's not like we're going to be at the gym till really late. Hahas. They would kick us out! So hopefully it'll work out because omg, I need to lose some weight!

Gaming. I don't know what is up with me! I see them online and I'm resisting the urge to talk to them. So far it's worked a day. I hope it'll work until they forget me. Because no, I don't think I can go through another crying episode brought on by another's actions. I am thinking of dragging Monkey over to Fiesta with me but like Max and her, they'll out level me even before you can say Fiesta. Which actually does suck. Hahas. But it's ok. Wednesday, Saturday and Sundays are going to be my gaming days! How exciting. Hehes. Hope it would take my mind off SoF until the GMs shape up the game or we decide to jump back into the madness. By the way, I've stopped talking to Liyle as well. Yes, you don't want to know the reason. It's stupid, dumb, pathetic, and it's my reason. So yes, leave it alone. Other than that, we, the dynamic trio might start playing Seal Online as well. It looks cute, and I hope it isn't very different from Fiesta. Otherwise, I'm going to have a hard time coping! Hahas.

Anyhow, it is almost 12. Another 12 minutes and then half an hour to lunch! Neither Sasa or the clinic lady has replied me so we'll see how lunch goes. Because I don't think I can survive eating alone with her. I'll scream, cry and go mad. I'm serious T.T So, that's about it I guess. Nothing else important. Nothing else I need to say. So off I go to finish my statistics and I'll see you soon! Tomorrow perhaps. Unless I decide tomorrow is too boring to be blogged about then I'll jump straight to Wednesday. Or if I'm too busy gaming on Wednesday, maybe Thursday. Hahas. We'll see how it goes. But till then, don't miss me too much! Take care and remember, nothing is permanent. Not even your troubles!

Amanda Loves You (:

A night of absolute fun!

Good Evening.

Blogger is out to annoy me this evening. I've tried uploading my photos in a million and one different ways, and it still doesn't want to upload the photos! Frustrating, no? Anyway, the first photos I wanted to put up was the one I took at the Dinner and Dance, as well as me in the cheong sam. And although some of you may think I would probably not look nice in it, you could always skip the photo. Because there is no way I'll pay for your medical bills when you go for your eye surgery. Anyhow, since I am unable to upload the photos. I'll try again another day, when I'm not having a pounding headache and a long post ahead of me. So where shall we start before I decide that I've had enough fun for a day and go to sleep.

Yesterday was almost a dull day. If it wasn't for the fact that at 4pm in the afternoon, I was crying my eyes out and wanting just a bottle of whisky. It's scary how one night of partying can hook a person. But no, self control and tolerance, they shall be my only aid against the life I don't want to live. And by that I mean by being an alocohol addict. It's no fun, not when your liver is dead before your ready to go. So, I took the alternative route which was to cry my eyes out in the toilet, pass it off as banging my injured knee against the cupboard and going off to mass to stare blankly at the cross. Not exactly the most fun in the world, but I got through it. Don't ask me how because I had the urge to run down to the nearest store to buy a blade. The feeling of it against my skin again. It's almost like coming home, well, that is if your home is a rotten infested junk yard where everything smells and nothing is good. But no, like I said before, self control and tolerance. Self control of my urges and tolerance of myself. If everyone didn't have a small measure of self control or decided they should give in to their urges all the time, can you imagine how truly screwed up the world would be? Anyway, after mass I came home and decided I wasn't woman enough to log on to SoF, although I did quit from the house I was in. Yes, I was even bitchy enough to not give my equipment away to the girl who rubbed it in my face that she was attached. Hahas. Evil right? But I had to let it out somewhere. And besides, she probably thought nothing of it, so in essence, I'm off the hook! Maybe not, but yeah, I'm in denial about a lot of things, why not add this to the list! So then I caught up with Max. Love that guy. And he introduced me to Seal Online. Which opens on the 19th of November. Hahas. And then, we decided to play Fiesta. We being me, Max and that girl! Yes, I have lured her into the gaming world! Hehes. Well, we all downloaded the game and I immediately started playing with Max while the other went to bed. But enough of all this because my headache is getting worse so I'm going to skip to this afternoon and this evening's activities!

I seriously do not understand why they have to fight every Sunday. It's almost like a fucking ritual which I truly hate! Yes, after the fact of being annoyed that the skirt was tighter than it was before, I started crying. They both went out which meant that no one knew I was crying which was good. Except I was on my way out. So yeah, the blasting music helped. And talking to myself too. At least when I left the house, I didn't look like I just cried. So yes, this evening. It was an outing with that girl. Yes, the girl that's starting to game with me. Hahas. We met at CityHall, and then headed to The Big Durians. No, that's not the real name of the place. Hahas. And unless you're Singaporean, you wouldn't know what I mean. But if you really do want to know, leave a comment! xP We went to PopCorn and the Library. After which we walked to Suntec via Marina Square because she wanted to develop a photo. I developed a few of my photos too! Hehes. After the photo developing, we decided to go for dinner since I was hungry. PastaMania! I had my usual, Creamy Chicken while she had Ham and Cheese Baked Rice! After dinner, which we were throughly stuffed we decided to walk back to CityHall to head home. We made a detour on the way to CityHall to have ice cream! Then we walked to Marina Square via Suntec and then from Marina Square down the underpass. Unfortunately we got lost in the under pass and came up along the padang. HA HA. So she showed me a dark path through the padang where we had lots of laughs. And then walked by St. Andrews Cathedral after which we took the underpass directly to City Hall MRT Station! So then she said she was going to town to take a bus home and I said, why not just walk together afterall, I can take a train from town anyway and so our journey began! I have personally never walked from City Hall to town because it seems so far away. Although I do know how to get there by car since Mother drives from City Hall to town all the time with me in the car. So we take a walk outside RafflesCity when we see the beautifully lighted up tree and go take photos! I did want to post them up but yes, at the start of my post I did mention that blogger is determined to annoy me. Anyhow, we took photos and were on our merry way. We crossed the road to the side Carlton Hotel was on and walked along the semi dark path. She insists that it isn't so dark but it is dark because there aren't any bright lights. Anyhow, we make it through and we're crossing the road to the Administration building of SMU. We're also digaonally across from The Church of the Good Shepard I think. The 'I think' is for the name of the church xP So we then cross to that side of the road and walk down straight. PS. if you are lost, we're on the same side as the SMU Administration building. We walk on ahead and pass the old SJI Building. Or it is now being used as the Singapore Art Muesum. Hahas. I took a photo of St Joseph and then we saw a nice statue and decided to take photos with it! Yes, there were lots of photos but blogger insists that I put them up another day. After the short photo taking session, we continue our journey and pass by a CoffeeBean shop! Yes, I was so tempted to buy but I was pretty full so we skipped it and went on ahead. Finally, we reach Cathy. Took more pictures and also of the pretty lights outside Cathy! Pretty really. We went to 7-11 where I got strawberry milk and she got apple tea. Then we went to PS to find a bathroom cause yes, I have a stupidly small bladder T.T After that, she walked me down to the MRT Control Station where we took photos on the esclastor down! And no, neither one of us got hurt. Hahas. So we said our goodbyes and we went our own way.

There! I'm really sorry if it sounds rushed but my headache is KILLING me! So I am off to bed. Take care of yourself. Thanks for stopping by to read! (: and as the silent funny guy said once, before he died of course, nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles. And if you haven't guessed who this silent funny guy is, it's Charlie Chaplin. Which reminds me, I want to get a set of tapes which has his shows. Something to entertain me and make me laugh when I'm down or bored (: Put it on my wishlist, since Christmas IS around the corner. Hehes. Ok, I'm off now! See you soon!

Amanda Loves You!