Everything's ruined when you're sick.

My whole idea of today's blog has been shot to hell with my foul mood. Well, not entirely. I can only breathe through one nostril, it is pretty frustrating. The fever has finally broken and I hope it doesn't come back to haunt me, at all. The coughing and nose dripping is still pretty awful, and I'm trying to cope as best as I can. I've got a few things to do tonight first, and then off to bed with me. I'll try for a longer post another day, I'm really feeling horrid as it is. Sigh.

The most ridiculous part of my life.

The most ridiculous part of my life - Grandma


Sometimes, it really is a wonder to talk to my grandmother at wee hours in the morning. Because then, you never know what she's about to say. Yes, I should be in bed because I need to be up at approximately 6.30am and leave the house around 8.30am to reach the air port at around 9.15am. Aunty Alice is leaving, and it was only a week ago that she arrived here in Singapore.


Yes, I'm extremely sad to see her go, but I know she must. Already plans are underway to save enough to go visit her next year, maybe I'll take a short trip to the USA to visit, you know who. I've already planned that to wear tomorrow, and I will definitely be taking a tons of photographs. Oh, that reminds me I need to charge my camera batteries lest they die on me tomorrow while taking an important photo. There, charging my camera battery and my phone.


Nothing really interesting happened today. Same old routine on Thursdays, school, work and, well. It was to Aunty Alice's hotel room this evening, chatted with her for a bit before heading home. Ok, maybe another surprising thing that happened today was talking to my Grandma. Just thinking about the stuff she said today still makes me laugh. Hahas! I'm not really up for repeating what of what was said because that just brings back some memories, that I'd like to keep in my head for me and me alone. Still, I really wonder how some people can be so blind. I mean, yes, love makes us blind and it's really wonderful to be in love. But, doesn't being in a relationship means that you have to give and take? I mean, it looks really tired to always be the one whose giving, and giving, and giving and giving. I should know right, hahas. But jokes aside, I still don't understand and I doubt I ever will.


So, it's to bed with me. Hopefully after this week, with no new classes starting at work I will have more time on my hands to complete my notes. It's frustrating how all my notes still have that pink reminder slip that I need to complete them. It is pretty annoying, and not to mention difficult to put the books into my bag without squishing them. Hahas. Yupp, only Amanda thinks about not squishing her pink reminder slips. Okie, bed time. Thanks for dropping by, and I'm actually beginning to think that no one's actually been around here in a long while. So, I suppose, this is kinda like a personal thing. Well, until someone stumbles upon it. Who knows, maybe my prince charming just might!

Sometimes, the best solution is to just walk away.

Wow, it's been such a hectic day. Not to mention such a hectic start to the first week of December. Yes, we are now officially only 29 days away from 2010.


One reason why it's such a hectic start to the first week of December is because I need to get all the work done for Groove, and school's been ridiculously annoying. Just yesterday, I had 6 hours of lessons, back to back. First three hours of Human Resource Management followed by three hours of Financial Reporting. Which ended at 10pm and I had to be in school the next day again at 8.30am. Nevertheless, I took a break with mummy and had sinful food. After that, I rushed to shower and got some work done before heading to bed at approximately, 12am. And then today, my normally hectic Tuesday. It started with waking up at 5am to Josh's text message of his overly busy day yesterday. I jumped right back into bed, only to be woken up at 6am to the latest Channel News Asia news update. Yes, by this time I was awfully annoyed. The birds outside my window nor the dog outside my door were helping matters with making a noise when I'm just about to fall back asleep. This resulted in me being half an hour early for class. Yes, for the first time in two years, I was in school at 8.00am. Well, it wasn't entirely my fault as there seemed to be less of a jam on the U-turn to school, even Ming Shi was shocked at the lack of traffic. I guess miracles do happen when you're praying hard enough for them. After class, I decided to skip lunch because I wasn't feeling particularly hungry. -inserts three boring hours of Amanda trying desperately to study and not check her phone constantly for messages-


Managerial Economics was awfully. It wasn't the lecturer today, or the actual topic itself. It was just that I couldn't keep myself awake. Yes, I kept yawning and almost falling asleep in class! It was terrible, absolutely terrible. And after class, we whisked off for dinner. And that is when, the fun begins.


It started with realizing a sudden influx of people for the dinner itself. At first it was a creeping worry and then, when everyone started arriving, it became an even worse problem. Still, I'm awfully happy I had those two slices of Cheesecake just before we left. People who clearly weren't invited, still had the decency to turn up. I mean, it's ridiculous when you're not even part of the damn family. How thick must your skin be to always be looking for a free meal? Obviously I didn't say anything, because it wasn't my place and that's why I'm saying it out here. People who I thought I could handle seeing, which apparently given my current state of mind, I actually couldn't. Which upset me terribly, but alas, Smile. Nod. Pretend. And in that moment of confusion, we made a decision to just walk away. It wasn't really that hard of a decision, since we had a relatively clear view of how someone else would have reacted (and not a good reaction under any circumstance), it was much easier to walk away smiling and telling a lie, while saving everyone the trouble and mess. Feedback from the dinner was that everyone more or less had enjoyed themselves. Personally, I'm just glad I had my two slices of Cheesecake, I'm not sure if they ever did serve the Pana Cotta again, but I'm happy to be kept in the dark. Some things are better left unsaid.


So, we had a wonderful time together, like we always do. It is terrible how retail therapy is working out so wonderfully well for me. A new vest, which can be buttoned up and actually makes me look sexy. Which I personally think is a tough feat to manage xP A new set of PJs. I seem to be in the mood of wearing PJs, but they are oh-so-comfortable and who doesn't like looking cute in bed? Dinner was another matter, and my theory that a smile goes a long way was actually proven today. It never hurt to smile at someone, and frankly, I don't know why some people don't do it anymore these days. And you complain why service staff are so dull, cranky and upset looking all the time. It's because they look at your dull, upset looking and snobbish face half the time, deflecting their smiles that it just becomes a tiresome thing to do. Yes, I know from experience. My whole day can be shot to hell just as someone comes through the front door, nose in the air, eyes looking down her nose and acting like I was paid to serve her, and only her. Anyway, I'm diverging. I tend to do that a lot, it seems to be a curse. Or a blessing, depending on which side of the line you're on. After dinner, we headed back to the hotel to sit around and chit chat with Aunty Alice. Seeing as how you've already ploughed through so much, I shan't put you through anymore torture of what happened and we shall fast forward to when we were just heading home.


The things you hear about things that have been said always have a way to shock you. It doesn't matter how well you think you know the person who said it, or how well you try to explain the situation, words will always have the power to shock you. Take for instance, something I heard today on the way home. The first thing that came to mind was, 'How can someone be so critical of their mother and not know they are hurting her feelings?' Sure, I admit I have been rude or critical to my mother at times, but I am trying my best to not be like that to her. I don't think this individual is even trying! Do you know how I know that I was obviously not in the capacity to handle anymore emotional stress, or situations? I started tearing up, and I felt like screaming out in anger. Let's face facts, every single one of us doesn't always see eye to eye with our mothers. Sometimes, we just wish they'd leave us be. Sometimes, we wish they'll learn to change their ways. And more often than not, they don't. Still, I wouldn't think that gives you the right to put her down at almost every opportunity, or even to instantly place the blame on her. Since you've made it this far, I really should tell you now that the following paragraph will just be me venting because there are so many things I want to correct, that I cannot because I am not in the position to do so (sometimes, I wish I could say 'screw respect') and whatever said, shall remain between me and you. And well, whoever else is reading this. That is where it ends.


How do you think she feels? Your mother, when you treat someone else of similar authority better than you've ever treated her? When you see her more often now, than you did before someone else (of obviously more importance to you) came down? When you chastise her for a mistake that was yours, and she never even said a word about it? Obviously, you are without concern because I am upset about you doing all this! Yes, the only reason I'm not saying this to your face is because you're older than me, and I still have to respect you as part of this family. But if I was given leeway to say what I will, you can bet I'll bring this up. Not to mention that ridiculous person you keep bringing around. He doesn't greet anyone at family gatherings. He doesn't pay for anything at family gatherings. He doesn't belong at a family gathering. See my point? I always thought that love was blind, but I didn't think that love would blind you to what should mean the most to you in your life (of course, that's not including God or your religion). You know, maybe the next time it happens, I will stand up and protect the ones that mean more to me than you do.


Tomorrow is another long day, as is Thursday and Aunty Alice is leaving on Friday morning. I don't expect to be dried eyed when she's left, and just thinking about it now is making me just a little upset. Well, it is about time I get some sleep. Thanks for dropping by and listening to me vent, I really needed that after all that happened today.

The worst day ever.

There's absolutely no qualms about it, today, the 24th of November is officially the worst day ever. I can't think of another day that can triumph today's disasters or emotional roller coasters. It started off with me not waking up to my alarm, which resulted in a half an hour late for class. Thankfully, he only went through the tutorial and thus I didn't miss much. The second mistake I made was to go down to the first two rows, thinking the people I call my friends would have reserved a seat for me (seeing as how a reserved seat is always there for Tricia when she never shows) and there was no seat. Not on the first row, the second row or the next four rows behind the second row. Well, I suppose it was luck that there was another seat on the first row on the other side of the lecture. And, Amanda ran across the lecture hall, in front of the damn lecturer while he was speaking. I don't know if I actually do blush when embarrassed, but I felt like puking out of embarrassment. It was, to sum it up in one word, horrendous. Well, at least talking to Josh helped ease the need to puke, not that any of the people I called friends bothered. After class, I decided to escape to the library because, where else can Amanda go to when she unfortunately has another lecture to attend at 3.30pm? On the bright side, I managed to do some Financial Reporting notes, as well as read up for Managerial Economics for the test that was suppose to take place during the next lecture. I decided to borrow the book on Thursday, because since it's the holiday and all, I will try my best to study as well. Instead of spending all my time with Tanesia, which I so desperately want to. It's always easy to forget the world when I'm with her. It's fun spending time with Josh as well, you never really know what he's going to say next. And sometimes, I wish I knew him better when I was with Alex. After the numerous texting, my phone battery decided to give out on me. Talking about that, let me go and charge my phone now.

Managerial Economics wasn't altogether that boring. I managed to write three paragraphs for 'The Bomb' which basically included the birthday bash scene where Patsy almost dies. No, she doesn't really die because her lover can't really kill her. Sometimes love makes us do stupid things, hahas. The test wasn't really a test, because the lecturer decided to go through what was going to be tested in the test just before he gave us the test, such a wonderful lecturer eh? Hahas. Anyway, sometimes I wonder if the people around me think that I'm just a stupid little girl to be pushed around, stepped on and used. It's frustrating sometimes, because I don't think I'm a very outgoing person by nature. Not with people I don't particularly know anyway. And sometimes, I'm just glad to stick with this group of friends even though they're ridiculous and well, trample all over me. No, I wouldn't say I am a sucker for pain or rejection or being bullied, because I've had enough of that when I was younger. So what is wrong with me now? Seriously, I have no f**king clue. I'm pissed half the time I see them, their lack of interest and mindless chatter gets on my nerves half the time, and still, I'm sitting with them during lectures. I'm seriously thinking of sitting away, this coming Thursday Financial Management class. I mean, why spend time with people who couldn't give a rat's ass about you right? Right.

So, the day's still been shot to hell. Cried at least four times today, ridiculous I know. And I foresee that I will be crying in bed tonight. I don't think it's because I'm overly upset about anything that happened today, I think it's just a build up of stress that I haven't been able to let go off. I'm stressed about school, about work. I'm upset with the people I call friends in university. And all I want to do everyday is spend time with the people who actually care about me, not the ones who use me as and when they feel like it, like I'm worth absolutely nothing to them. And here comes the problem, who shall I enslave to be my imaginary friend everyday? I have no clue. Hahas. Ridiculous, I know.

Well, it's almost 2.30am, and I think it's about time I go to bed and sob a little before I sleep. Hahas. I might probably have a nice long hot shower tomorrow morning when every one's out. Aunty Alice came to town and so, every one's going to spend time with her. I don't know, I don't mind spending time with her but, it's like everyone is fighting for her attention. Maybe I'm just weird or too lazy to try and display all my good points (probably because I have none, hahas!) and get pat on the back like a good dog. Ok, it's time for bed. My hand's wet from wiping my tears and I don't think I've the strength or patience to tell my mother why I'm crying for no reason. I'm just so tired, that sometimes, all I want to do is give up. But I'll hold on Steven, just for you.

And she's back.

Good evening.

I've just completed proof reading my Financial Reporting assignment which is due this coming Tuesday. Only a few days away, and why have I just completed it? Because I've been lazy and entirely too busy to have done much work without actually having studied first. What's the point of handing up an assignment if I was just going to crap my way through it, although I do admit there is some parts which I crapped because I have absolutely no idea what to say and really, three lines and one sentence do not make up a paragraph.

Yes, it's been an extremely long while. 6 months since my last post. One huge difference is that I am now officially twenty one years old. Hahas. No, I don't feel that old yet. Not when I'm still playing games and trying to act like a child. I don't think I really want to grow old, it seems like such a failing business nowadays. You can't really do much when you're old, well, not a whole lot anyway.

I highly doubt this will be a long post, simply because it's almost 12am and I do need to be up early tomorrow. I simply refuse to keep sleeping in, even waking up at 7am now, I'll be able to catch Tanesia up before she heads to bed, or even get into a conversation with Steven before he goes to bed, or even a morning discussion with Chris on how he should come back to Fiesta and of course, pay for my ticket to Australia to see his adorable new baby girl. Or, I could also just turn up the music and do some study notes. Yes, notice how it comes right at the back? Hahas. I need to start clearing my table if I wish to effectively study on it. Although I was toying with the idea of studying outside on that small table we have in front of the television. Of course the television will be turned off, I'm not into testing my will power all the time. Hahas. Have the computer in the room is a good enough test of my wills, which at the moment is losing the battle. As you can tell.

There's nothing much to talk about school, aside from the fact that I need to start bucking up before I just screw myself over again. Yes, I'm only doing 4 units this year because by some miracle, I actually passed all my subjects. Even with a just pass for Principles of Banking and Finance. Pretty amazed at myself, especially after all the almost sleepless nights with nightmares on my results. Of having to retake the papers, and all the financial trouble I'm probable to land myself in. But here's to looking forward and not backward, we are only a month away from the new year.

Work hasn't been that much more exciting. Fi gave birth already, to a little adorable little boy. The work load has definitely increased but I am trying my best to manage my time and not neglect my studies for my work and vice versa. This coming weekend is a public holiday so I am only working on Thursday evening. I will try my very best to catch up on my notes, especially for Human Resource Management. I've decided to skip the first chapter and try to tackle the other chapters first since the first chapter obviously requires a whole lot more of reading to be done.

It's almost 12.30am already, and I really should be going to bed. I will try to come back again and blog. I really do need an outlet to type, or to just speak nonsense. I always wondered why I didn't just keep a diary and did it online instead, where anyone and everyone can have access to it. I've theorized that I'm a possible attention addict but as of now, I'm quite content with the people who are giving me attention. Because truly, I can't find anyone else like them who'd give me just what I need and always whenever I need them. So here's my good night, and I'll be back soon. I'm thinking of trying to find interesting topics to actually discuss here, after all, I do need somewhere to practice my writing skills. Maybe if this degree doesn't work out, I might just try for that degree in journalism. It'll be fun to travel the world and write stories, or maybe just write that one book I want to publish. Dreams, sometimes they are the only things keeping me going from day to day.

And oh, before I do. New Moon is coming out, and I am tempted to go and pick out that book from the bookshelf and curl up in bed to read it. I know I'll definitely skip some parts which isn't suppose to happen but, what can I say? Sometimes I do have a relatively short attention span. And with that, this Cookie's off to bed.

Going through old junk.

Good evening.

It's been more than a month, yes. I'm not only on this computer, but I am on my laptop as well. I'm downloading a trial version of Microsoft Office so I can complete my required AVA slides before next year, hahas. In view of that, I've also discussed about selling my laptop for money, and then buying another laptop. Hence, I've also been going through the items I have on the computer, my stories, my oh so precious stories. Included are my random musings. I found a few short stories that are still in the making, and I am determined to finish the ones I have up on FictionPress. I think Adrian and Heidi are longing for their one night together before she goes back to school, as is Paige with Gregory before she faces the horrifying past. I also found a one page long discussion I was suppose to post up on World Poverty. Surprisingly, it doesn't sound all that childish because you know, I always did think I was a bit childish back then. I found a letter to myself from a year ago, after my birthday celebrations at the M Hotel, and everyone stayed over. It's pretty amazing what a few months can do to a person eh? I think I shall write another one, send it to myself via email, and read it again next year. Something like reminding yourself where you've been and where you want to go, and if you've done anything to reach that goal. I desperately want a new laptop, I need something easy and accessable to work on when I'm not at home. I'm bloody determined to finish my stories, and to get all the back log of what needs to be done, completed. This whole turning 21 thing is really beginning to sink in, and despite how little I'm getting paid now, I think this is a good learning opportunity for me. For my future, of course.

Since the last time I was here, my exams have ended. Frankly, I'm not sure when my results are coming back and boy am I dreading the day I see that brown envelope. I'm hoping for the best, yet I know the best might not be, and still, I'm always hoping. The laptop is rebooting while I continue this post. From the time my exams ended until now, I've started doing more work for Groove. I can't say much about the pay, but the experience is actually pretty wonderful. Maybe this might push me in the direction into starting my own business, of course, as a side thing to my actual job. I'll waste away too much of my life if given time to slack, hehes. Ok, sorry, I was tinkering with the new Microsoft Office which by the way is awesome! Now, I'm really determined to get a new laptop. Hahas. So, where was I? Aside from working at Groove, I've been looking for another job too. Hopefully it'll work out and I'll have extra income, a girl unfortunately needs to pay for her University degree. hahas.

So, I'm sorry but there's really nothing I'll like to blog about. I've got work tomorrow at 12pm, so I need to get up early. Maybe I'll come by another day, with more news, of course. Till then, I'm sorry for not updating. Although I will be updating my wishlist. As much as I detest this birthday coming up (because it is too soon and all my dreams are vanishing before my eyes) it is coming and maybe some presents will make me slightly happier. Lol. I'm such a material girl I'm ashamed *winces* Well, if you want to get me that laptop or camera, I'm not stopping you. I'd rather be ashamed. Hehes. Till the next time we talk! All my love.

Amanda Loves You Always.

Minutes before death.

Good Afternoon.

Yes, it hasn't been that long since my last post. I believe I last posted when I received all my papers which was approximately two weeks, I presume. I'm too lazy to check and I've got this need to type, I'm not sure why, but I do. I can't type anything out for my story because I conveniently forgot to bring my wallet which held my thumbdrive. I doubt there's anyone sitting around me who would lend me the thumbdrive. Hahas. Well, taking into consideration that they do indeed have one on them now. Which, by the looks of it, I hardly doubt it. So, yes, it is officially. I passed all my mock exam papers. I'm not sure to pat myself on the back or to continue and freak out that I just may fail my final exams. I have decided that I will be taking a 3 week long break from Fiesta, that includes weekends. So, the most I'd be doing, if I'd be doing anything at all, would be vending or Spider KQ, with a good group of course. The new time limit on registration is too short to actually be able to ensure a good group to play with. Nevertheless, who could say no to free mats? Especially in such awesome amounts.

The birthday dinner was a success yesterday. At least everyone who was suppose to turn up did turn up. There was a slight replacement of people, but at least there was still a total of 8 attendees. So, I'd still like to wish Mavis and Melvin a happy birthday! Now that's done, next topic! i love you guys.

There really isn't much to blog about these days. I haven't even started studying, when I should be. And I've been gaming entirely too much, which means that I should stop soon before I find myself going into the exam hall unprepared at all. Now, who really wants to see amanda break down? Hahas. So yes, there've been a few developments in the game, but it hasn't been confirmed yet. I don't really see why there's a need to type it out here, since the people concerned don't read my blog because they're sleeping when I'm awake, and vice versa. Yes, I think majority of my friends are from overseas, which in my case, is really unfortunate. There really are some people I'd like to be able to see on a daily basis, and not when I'm just about to sleep or just woke up and am rushing to school. Well, I really should be trying to get some work done, so I'd be going now. And waiting until my mother comes for me, after which we'll go for dinner and then off to work. I'll probably still be working through the exams because it really isn't a very taxing job. And I've done it before, I don't see why I can't do it again. All right, I really should be going. I'd be back soon, I hope. Thanks for dropping by and, I'd catch you soon.

Amanda Loves You <3

Many things change, but there are some things that never change.

Good Afternoon.

This most has been long over due. I was suppose to do this on Good Friday, which was last Friday but I never did get around to it. So, here it is. It's not so much an intellectual topic so much as a revelation of some kind on my part. I cried when I was thinking about this, which was unfortunately during the Good Friday service we had. I doubt anyone noticed, because really, who notices Amanda during Mass? I'll stop stalling now, and go on with the topic.

Easter is something that comes every year for Christians. For converted Catholics, it comes every year after they are baptized. The true coming of Easter though, I can't say that it does come for everyone yearly. For me, unfortunately, it has been reduced to candles and chocolate eggs. But that was not what I was dwelling on that instigated this post. Every year, when Easter comes around, there are a specific set of services that take place. From Holy Thursday service with the washing of the feet to the almost midnight Easter Vigil service where we have the baptism of the new Catholics. The services are the same, the procedures are the same, almost everything is the same. The only think that have changed are the people. If i remember correctly, I started coming to this church when I was 15, confirmed at 17. Between those two years, could possibly be the best and worst times of my life in this Church. I'm almost 21 now, and between the 6 years that I've been in this Church, it has undergone a face transformation. Plastic Surgery if you want to call it that. I can't say I really miss the look of the old church as who living in Singapore doesn't appreciate an air conditioned service hall to a non air conditioned service hall? Actually, I don't really miss much of the old church aside from the easy access to the rooftop which was most times my own hideaway, and the chairs by the grotto. This brings me back to a long ago memory of my own simplistic view on how life could be handled.

As long as I had them, this 5 friends, standing by me and being with me, there isn't anything too difficult for me to handle, especially life.

You might be wondering where I plucked out the number 5 from, or if I just randomly chose a number from all the possible numbers in the history of numbers. It wasn't a random choice. Remember the grotto I mentioned earlier? There used to be two stone chairs there. They were made of stone and of a very old fashion which could not be found anyway today, not to my knowledge anyway. The chair was fashioned so that when you sat down, your ass would slide to the back of the chair and your legs be hanging over the edge of the seat, as if you were sitting on an upwards ramp. I suppose it would've been good for children because then they would have a less chance of falling out and accidently breaking open their skull. So, the chairs could comfortably sit 3 people on each, which in total would be 6 people. Hence the number 5 because I really couldn't go through life without myself could I? So, back then, for me anyway, just having those 5 people would've been enough for me to go through life and everything it threw at me. I don't think I have ever entirely filled up those 5 spots before. It was always only 4 or maybe even 3. Now, you might be saying, it's not hard to fill up 5 spots with people who'll go through life with you if you've got a wide pool of people to choose from. If you knew me, you would know I don't have a wide pool of people to choose from hence I did have some difficultly. Still, you would need to carefully select, because when you've chosen those five people, you would have to do all in your power to be loyal to them and to be someone who they can turn to if they ever need help. Of course this is only my point of view, I'm not particularly sure how everyone else treats their friends, but I like to actually be there for my friends and to be loyal to them. Being loyal to a fault really isn't an actual fault, in my book anyway. Back to the topic at hand, it was upsetting to realize that you had lost the very people you thought you could've count on for life in whatever situation you may face. It's even more upsetting realizing that there are some people who you would give almost anything for to be your friend. Not for status, not for fame, not for anything but your own selfish happiness you gain when you're with them. If you've known me long enough, you might have an idea of who I'm referring to. I can say that I would be happy if he came back into my life, even as a friend and yet, at times I am undecided. Aren't the friends you make a reflection of your personality? Or your character? There is also someone else I want back, and am still undecided about it. Simply because I don't wish to force my friendship on someone who clearly doesn't want or care for my friendship. It's one thing to be brushed off from a stranger, it's another entirely different thing to be brushed off from a friend you've known for almost 5 years and the fact that you've considered her one of your best friends. But winding my way back to the topic at hand, I'm wondering if I should adpot my 5 friends approach to life again. It may seem to be childish and too simplistic for someone whose been through life for almost 21 years, but if you hadn't noticed, that's pretty much who I aspire to be. Someone whose childlike and simple. Well, I've only got one place left if I'm adopting my 5 friends approach again. You should know whose in the first, second and third. My last place should be left for the man whose going to make me a very happy girl one day because, that's what I want him to be. My best friend, my lover and my husband. Well, of course the father of my children but let's not scare away the potential boys. So, one spot left. Whose the lucky one? Or the one whose cursed with my friendship for eternity.

I should be rushing off to work now. I don't particularly feel upset after this post because I suppose, I've almost come to terms with myself. One always needs to understand one's self to actually get through life in one piece. Till my next post, which should be soon (or as I always say) take care and thank you for reading!

Amanda Loves You [:

Rules that apparently, don't apply.

Good Morning!

No, I'm not actually feeling very elated or happy, the exclamation mark is merely to throw you off course. Bet it did. It has been an interesting 10 hours and I thought I should come and share my wonder and awe at the things some people do. Mainly, it's as the title says, rules that apparently, don't apply. I can't promise that it'll be exciting or something you've never seen before, it might mostly be just a ranting on my part. Hence I'm warning you first to click on the red cross, if you don't want to hear me rant, rather than complain that I've wasted at least 5 minutes of your time on earth.

Please ensure that you are at least half an hour early for Mass so you can prepare the equipment for Mass.

That's the first rule I'm starting off with. Ok, so maybe I had been a few times late before the rule was actually stated. Maybe it was stated because of me, and for that, I apologize. But, as a rule creator, I would think that you should lead by example. Apparently not. Or so I found out today. The equipment, which was suppose to be prepared at least 15minutes before Mass began, was turned on only 5minutes before Mass started. What is up with that? So, I would have actually forgotten about him coming late for Mass if he didn't come up to me and tell me to come early for Mass next Thursday. Now, seriously. What is up with THAT? I would have talked back to him if I was in the mood, but Lady GaGa's been keeping me mellow for a few days now.

Just do what I tell you, don't follow what I'm doing.

I've realized this has been broken by many. Parents, people in authority, and just about anyone who isn't firm in their own teaching. Many don't realize it though, I've just realized today. When we tell someone to not do something, we, ourselves may end up doing exactly what we had told someone else not to do. Someone's done that to you before, haven't they? Well, I don't encourage you to tell that person in the face that they had not done what they preached, but it's just something for you to think about. Although it is nice to point it out to them, just not in front of a crowd. It can be embarrassing.

Well, my nose is sufficiently annoying me enough to want to cut this short and head to bed. I'll blog more another day. Maybe I'll mention the funny wrong name accident I had with mummy today. It was truly hilarious! Well, April is here so I really should start studying. I'll drop by again soon! Especially when I get back the rest of my test papers. Thanks for reading, and come back for more! Hahas. 'Night all.

Amanda Really Loves You [:

Finding peace in chaos.

Afternoon.

It's been a while, a very long while since I last stopped by here for a chat. Many things has changed, and as you should be able to tell, I'm almost not as happy as I was the last time I stopped by for a bit. Well, granted I wasn't that happy the last time I stopped by here either, I could say I am worse off. The world's not a very allocative efficient place is it? I just finished a 5 hour lecture, I wouldn't go so far as to say my brains have been fried, but I have come out of this lecture happier than I did last Saturday and Sunday. Those who were around, you know why. For those who weren't around, let's just say I have a whole lot of information to catch up on before the 14 of May rolls around. If you still don't understand, give up. Or ask me on MSN, if you're very sure I wouldn't bite your head off.

In respect to boys, I don't know what I am really doing anymore. Everything always happens a little too late, and I've been regretting my decisions almost instantly as I make them. It's not a very nice feeling, trust me. I have decided though, to just stop making decisions until the last minute. It's almost like someone's waiting for me to make a decision and then throw some more paint into the mixing pot. It's bloody annoying, that's what it is. Or maybe, just too many movies playing around in my head. Just maybe. But for now, I would say I'm comfortable where I am. Scratch that, I'm constantly wondering if you're a good choice for me and for yourself. Well, mainly if I'm a good choice for you. And despite your assurances, I still don't feel assured. I would like to thank those who've talked to me and heard me out. The numerous shirts I've wet with my tears, the ears I've talked deaf and most of all, the hugs I've stolen without consent. You may not read this, but know that whatever I choose to do, I do it to hopefully make you proud of me. I don't want to be a girl who makes her choice because she's afraid of being alone, or of how the choice would affect her and her alone. I do it so that everyone in the situation would be better off, or at least in some way, better than there are now. Well, that should be about the length at which I'll think about this further. I am suppose to be taking a break from him, a long extended break that doesn't require me to think. Not even for a second.

Its unnerving how much I don't really know considering almost 8 months has passed since I started attending classes again. It could be my lack of a curious nature, and hence I haven't done anything over and above what was given. I can't say I'm particularly upset because not doing as well, would mean that I will pull up my socks and work for a better grade. I only do hope my work does produce fruits. Despite my sayings of quitting school or just forgoing the whole idea, I really want to do this. I don't know why, but I do. I would jump a leap and say that I actually do in real fact like studying, but that might be too much for my body to handle. Or even my mind, for that matter. It's really too much of a stress factor, than anything else. But then again, because you enjoy doing something, should it really come as second nature to you? I will buck up, I will. I might not do it as quickly as some, or as consistent as some but I really will. I just need to get over everything that is happening now and get down to studying. By getting over, I actually mean ignore. I don't intend to solve any of the problems I have now before I start studying. Because I, unfortunately, foresee that these problems are going to take countless nights, many more tears and more energy than I can spare to solve or even try to dissect the problem. Hence, studying will come first. And if any one is really interested, I got 48/100 for statistics. It's a pass, but I will be aiming to work for that 75/100. If I have nothing to show for my life, I at least want this to show for my time here. It may be shallow, but hey, it's Amanda right?

I really should be going soon. We've got mass tonight, and I actually intend to relieve some stress tonight via my constant way of killing monsters. It's really a pretty fun thing to do, killing monsters. Yes, it may have increased my violent tendencies, but haven't I already always been violent? Well, I really should be going now. There's really nothing else that comes to mind that I want to talk about, so I shall take my leave. I will be back soon, hopefully with a better topic than what I had in mind today. Finding peace in chaos. Ok, so I haven't even touched on it. But I'm sure you know what it entails. Finding peace in chaos. You need chaos first before you find peace, so, go out there and create chaos! No, I'm just joking. Ok, making lame jokes is a sure sign that I need to go. The brain has already put up the 'out for the day' sign, so I should stop knocking on the door to ask for help on what else I could possibly say in my blog. Hence, have a good day ahead and I'll be back soon. Hopefully.

Amanda Loves You [:

Relationships and their foundations.

Good Morning.

Yes, it is 2am in the morning and I am still up. No, don't get excited. I wasn't up studying or doing anything time worthy. Hahas. I was just up, thinking again. It seems that no matter what you do, or how your attitude towards things are. There are some things done, or words said, that will never be fully erased from your memory. Even when you refuse to give these people the satisfaction of knowing their actions or words have affected you; they still do in some form or other. You just have to be strong enough to not show them that what they have said or done has affected you. And that in itself, is a big feat.

It's been almost 3 years since that fateful afternoon. I have gladly deleted the offending piece of garbage last year. Don't ask me what took me so long, even I cannot fathom what took me so long to delete the offending notice. But what matters is that I have deleted it. Yet, when the lights are turned down and there's no one else around but me, the words flow in the darkness like the bogey man stalking a child. Never really revealing itself, but still instills the fear and anxiety in it's target. It's not fear nor anxiety the words invoke in me. It's more of, crumbling what little self esteem I have left. Maybe it's more of the shock of how crude and uncaring a person can be in the face of a hard situation. I still like to think that because I hope I'll never be as crude or uncaring to anyone else in desperate times, then no one would do it to me. I know. The world is cruel. But I think, deep down, I don't really believe that. Everyone has to have their reasons, I don't believe anyone can be evil or bad just because they feel like it. It is virtually impossible, isn't it? Ok, so maybe I'm sounding more like a six year old child asking her parents why her pet dog died than a girl of almost twenty one whose trying to find the world's secret. Back to the point. I still am undecided if it's the shock that's causing this or the actual words that are hammering at my self esteem. I'm banking more on the words than the shock. I have definitely had my fair share of shocks before this happened. Sure, it has been almost 3 years to date, but I still remember the choice word. Pity. How pathetic do I have to be to have a guy go out with me because he pitied me? Very darn low if I have to say so myself. And frankly speaking, I wasn't even depressed at that point in time. So why is it still affecting me, you may wonder? Because if I thought I wasn't low, but someone else did. Does that trash whatever I've been thinking about myself? Or do I really not have accurate view of myself in my mind? I expected him to say he didn't love me. I expected him to say he was just on the rebound, and I was the closest thing he could rebound on. Even I, with my self esteem in tatters, could laugh at that. I know this must sound really odd, but I really have been throwing theories around in my head. No one else would do it with me because they'll just say he's a jerk off and really isn't worth my time. You may think I'm obsessing over him, but I assure you, I'm not. Frankly, I am glad we're not together anymore because I pity the girl who has to live with his mother for the rest of her natural life. I mean seriously? I bet unless you gave her a grandson, you'll never be good enough for her. Hahas. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I'm not obsessing over him, I just want to know if I do have an accurate view of myself or is my mind twisted in such a way that I can't really see myself accurately anymore? No one can tell me the answer. Maybe God can, but I'm not banking on it. There are other people out there who require him more than I do. I just wish to finally be able to maybe forget, and start building myself up again.

I was thinking about this the other day in the shower. Relationships and how properly building it's foundation can lead to various outcomes. My first example:

Two people who like each other. No one really knows for certain how deep the affection runs but, they've decided not to take the leap and just remain friends. For the simple fact that she, never remains friends with her past boyfriends. And so, she'll rather remain friends than take the plunge and see what could be.

Obviously no foundation has been built because they were too afraid of one of the possible outcomes of the relationship to even try. I know that breaking up is always a possible outcome when you jump into a relationship with someone, but letting that rule your decision to be with that person, is it really wise? Who knows, he could be the one and you'll get married and have a dozen children. Well, I know that they did value their friendship more than thinking about the what if so, maybe that was a good decision for them. But still, I do wonder about the what if. Simply because I thought they would have made an almost perfect couple.

Two people who are mildly interested in each other. Decide to get together under the pressure of their friends. Taking into account that they have only known each other for less than a few months, the relationship ends a few months later. Both parties are not talking to each other, and I suspect, don't like the other very much.

I don't know about this one though. Although I think a lack of foundation building would definitely affect the relationship? I mean, how would you know what the person wants from the relationship. Or the small quirks and habits of that person. Sure, we're not talking about living together yet, but there are other quirks and habits that easily get on each other's nerves. But how much time is enough time to build the foundations of a relationship? I can't give you an exact figure because there really is no time limit. You just have to be able to say you accept that person for who he or she is, inclusive of their habits and quirks.

I have a third scenario to present, but I would think that actually being in love with someone would not need any proper foundations to be set or made. I'm almost certain love will either blind you or give you the strength to accept the person for who he or she is. Quirks and habits included. I'll still be dreaming of that true love, but until then, this is just food for thought.

Ok, so it is about 3.30am now. I do have to be in church at 5pm for mass. I do hope I won't wake up at 4pm. Now that would be disastrous. So, I should be headed to bed soon. Till the next time I blog, or if I see you around, take care and good night.

Amanda really loves you.

Dreams.

Good Evening.

I only just realized that I've got less than a week to enjoy my stress free days. We were planning to go down to SGH on Thursday which would not be possible tomorrow since mother needs to make something before we can go back. So I suggested that we could go next week and she didn't need to be so stressed about it; when she then shattered my carefully built world that next week was the 19th. Oh gods. I sat there for a whole minute, after which my brain caught up and calculated that it was indeed the 19th. It's amazing how time flies so quickly when you're not trained on it? But the moment you stare at the clock for more than a minute, time slows to a crawl. Someone should sacrifice themselves and sit in front of the clock and stare at it. Hahas. And it seems today is the day which Amanda is to be shocked into oblivion because as I was updating my scheduler, i realized that after my last revision class which is PBF on the 30th of April my first FINAL exam is on the 7th of May. OMFG. But on the bright side, at least what I have studied wouldn't have that much time to leak away through the holes in my mind. And who knows, I may just pass my final exams. Heh.

Everyone seems to be getting FaceBook. I couldn't imagine the time when I stared at Natasha when she was talking about FaceBook and went 'What? Are you talking about Friendster?' Hahas. Oh, the good old days. I miss Natasha ._. Not to mention I miss half the people I used to talk to all the time in IJ. Sigh. It seems that when I'm not rushing to try and get a decent grade for my exam, or surrounded by people who are constantly shouting (Fiesta, for those clueless ones) all these feelings come back full force and I have to sit and stare at space for a moment remembering before I can go on. Pathetic. But it really is no harm in missing your friends is there? Anyhow, Miss Jiang is busy with her projects and I should really start preparing myself for the final league towards the finals, and my freedom. I think my trip back to SGH should satisfy myself for sometime and then after the finals, despite work, I'll definitely make sure I have as many outings as possible.

Have you ever had a nightmare and yet didn't wake up because you wanted to know the outcome of the nightmare? I think yesterday's dream/nightmare wasn't really of that nature. Maybe it was due to watching Van Helsing before I went to bed, but the dream/nightmare really did spook me. The images are slowly fading, so I can't recall with exact precision as I did this afternoon, but it did start out as a normal dream. No, not of unicorns and rainbows. I actually dreamt about going back to SGH again. Hahas. Well, I don't really think I want to dive back into my memory for the dream, it's locked away with all the unpleasant things I would rather forget, but am unable to. Although I'm just curious, has anyone ever had a dream/nightmare that you knew wasn't happening but choose not to wake up and see the dream through? I really think I'm awfully weird for being the first.

I think I should try to sleep earlier today. There wouldn't be anyone around to keep me company on Fiesta anyhow, so there's no point in staying up right? I'm far too lazy to level on my own, and I am upset at the rate I'm working through the stones. I don't know I have enough fame to sustain this addiction of mine. Hahas. I think tomorrow, I might start preparations for the finals. I really need to get this down because I really do want that first class honors. I'm sure half the school wants them too, but maybe, just maybe this time I wouldn't let myself down.

Well, I suppose I should end here. I need to go drink water, change, get ready for bed and anything else I feel I might have to do. I'm already yawning, so I don't think sleeping early is going to be a problem tonight. Hahas. Well, thanks for dropping by. I haven't been out much, so there aren't that many random thoughts in my head to blog about. Trust me, I'm always waiting for those random thoughts to return. At least that means I'm like my old self, in some way. Anyhow, I'm off. Thanks for dropping by again, and maybe I'll see you soon [:

Amanda Loves You Always [:

Do dreams foretell your future?

Good afternoon.

Ok, so it hasn't been one day or a week since my last post. But, it has been less than 2 weeks. Hahas. Admittedly, I've been awfully busy with the ongoing [currently over] mock exams and trying to figure out how to balance my reality with my virtual world. Nevertheless, now that the mock exams are over [thank heavens!] I should try and blog more often. I had actually decided to make this blog known, but it seems that no one's really interested in reading. And if you include the factor where I will say what I wish and not stand corrected unless it will cause serious damage, I'm still unsure if I should put this blog up for public viewing. Maybe I should take that leap and plunge into the pool? I'm undoubtly sure that I wouldn't really be offending anyone with what I intend to blog about anyway. How many people can be offended by what Amanda thinks? Well, ok, maybe some but I don't think all of them will. Hahas! I'll tag mavis I suppose, it seems everyone does read her blog [:

Yes, the mock exams are over and I am taking this period [10/03 - 18/03] to satisfy my need for late nights and irresponsible behaviour. I already accomplished this last night, and frankly speaking, don't think I will ever do it again because it shoots my day to hell in one second. So much for satisfying my need to be irresponsible. Just so you know, I slept at 7am and officially woke up at 4.30pm. Hahas. Amazing isn't it? I used to be able to deal with less sleep but maybe your body can't take as much as you grow older. And who said that we are at the prime of their life? At this age, we are either studying so hard for the exams or working to earn money to spend. I think only the ones who are supported by their parents can at least try to have the time of their life. Hahas. Though, I think I'm pretty ok with how my life is now. Maybe clubbing really isn't the thing for me, although I've recently discovered I do like to dance. Hahas. And yes, those of you who've gone clubbing with me, I know it doesn't seem like it but I've always been a shy girl. You should know that by now.

I wonder if a person's dream could be the foretelling of the future, or if it's just our subconscious telling us what they want? I only know of one dream I've ever had that actually did come true. I dreamt that I got caught in the rain in school and when I woke up, I decided to pack an umbrella despite the bright sun and surprisingly enough, it did rain when I was on my way home. Exactly at where I dreamt I was in the dream. Although I felt that yesterday's dream is just my subconscious telling me what I want to do within these few days I have off from the duty of being a diligent student. To go out with my friends, and definitely spend more time with him. Also included is my trip down to SGH. Now that's settled, I should start making plans. It's always too long if I haven't seen my friends for more than a day.

Van Helsing is on Channel5 tonight. Hence I wouldn't be at my computer during most times, only during the commercials. So if you desperately need to contact me, you can try my mobile. Which I will check at periodic timings i.e. when my message keeps ringing every 2minutes. That's all for today, my nose is annoying the daylights out of me and so I'm just going to go sit around and laze and wait till it's time to leave for J8 and then Mass. So, I'll be back soon. That much, I can promise! Toodles!

Amanda Loves You [:

Exams, exams, exams, exams.

Good Afternoon.



Wow. I know. It's been a long break hasn't it? Almost 2 months and 3 days to be exact. I checked my blog for the last post xP So many things has happened since my last post, since Christmas. I've survived a multitude of things, just so you know, and frankly, I do feel I'm at a better place than I was last Christmas. Then again, aren't you moving to different places everyday? As someone said today 'we do it to watch the gradual change.' Or, something along those lines. It seems my memory has some problems with retaining information. It seriously must be the songs I've been listening to, and have been listening to for the past 21 years. All the lyrics, taking up valuabe space. And yet, I'm not willing to throw them away. Music is my life, even if I am unable to fully create it perfectly yet.



Now, I am serious with continuing this blog. I should revert to the main purpose of this blog, only one post a day and something exciting. I really don't find my life to be of any much cause for excitement so I'll try to keep you entertained. Ah, it really feels good to be typing again. Who knows, maybe once the exams are over, I'll start on my stories.



What have I been up to? Mostly studying, and gaming. Ok, mostly gaming and then studying. It's pretty bad once Amanda gets addicted to something, or rather, it becomes the only outlet she has from reality. I would most often take a virtual reality over my own reality. But regardless of that, I am trying to come back to my own reality. It really isn't that awful once you take a step, or maybe a thousand steps back, and look at it. Sometimes, you go so far back you can't really see the problem anymore. Then, you can delight in just being yourself and not worrying about other people. Just please, don't dance and step over everyone's toes. Now that is just being plain annoying. Actually, studying only came into the picture a few days ago. Yes, my prelims are around the corner, oh wait. *peeks around the corner* they're gone. *screams* that's cause it's right here beside me. Well now, I have to run. Simply because I'm off to work. I will, will blog again tonight. And just so I don't break my first rule on the first day back, I'll have it post up after midnight! Ha, take that suckers!

Amanda really does love you [: