I said I wouldn't, and then I did.

Borderline fever, sore throat and a blocked nose.

I don't actually have the mood to do my nails this week. Maybe I'll trim them short and do one coat. When I'm feeling better then I'll do a more elaborate nail art set.

It takes so much energy to be positive when everything starts going to shit. When my grandparents taught me to think before I speak, obviously they didn't bother learning that lesson. 

Dammit, we need a break from this life. Cleaning all the time, doctor appointments, medication, etc. And to think, my mum has 4 other siblings. I'm not sure if I'm thankful I only have 1 parent or that I'm the only child. 

I'm going to bed cause this cough medicine is very powerful. At least I found something else that can make me sleep, even if it doesn't chase away the nightmares. 

Be kind to everyone you meet, they could be going through some tough situations. 

Why are there 2 sides to a coin?

Wow, 2 posts in 1 day.

Work is not as tough as taking care of your grandparents. 

I'm so angry and I don't know how to let this anger go. No one stopped to consider how it would feel to be in pain and uncomfortable and not understand why you feel that way. All they thought was, he is still healthy and so we must do all we can to keep him alive and to be a good daughter / son. But who is here when he is in pain. Who is here when he is uncomfortable and he lashes out in anger. It is easy to say, take it with a pinch of salt, in one ear and out the other. But it is so difficult to be there when he lashes out in anger. When you get scolded for giving him his medicine. But I have it easier than my mum. How does it feel like to get scolded even when you're busting your ass to wash their clothes everyday, wash their toilet everyday.

And yet, when you see him in pain and not understanding why, it breaks your heart. 

Blessings by Laura Story 

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

Maybe it is time for that shower. 

Perception of Time

So I didn't end up writing anything down yesterday. Simply because I was so tired after work, and after we came home from IKEA getting candles, it was way too late and time for me to get to bed after showering.

Also, I cannot believe that it has only been 2 days. It really feels like a lifetime when dealing with my grandparents. Plus I think I am in desperate need of help to release the tension caused by dealing with my grandparents. It's just, I can feel my blood pressure going up and not dealing with them is just not possible. I mean, I could try but then my mum might actually go crazy.

And I'm desperately trying not to fall sick. So please try not to sneeze or cough in my direction. Just hearing the men in my office sneezing and coughing without covering their face is enough to make my hairs stand on end. Also why I've taken to showering every evening when I come home, because all the germs I'm bringing to bed with me cannot be good. Thankfully I can tell when I'm falling sick - feeling cold, glassy eyed. So far I've got one of those symptoms so I'm trying to nip it in the bud before it gets worse. 

I don't think I'm going to blog every day. I don't really need the extra pressure between work & dealing with my grandparents. I need to try and maintain the two worlds separately, where tension from one world does not bleed into the other world. 

Can you believe it, it is only 930am and I'm falling asleep typing this. Coffee still makes me sleepy so that's not an option. And I couldn't possibly go to work reeking of alcohol! I think I probably have to start getting proper sleep.

Okay, I think I'm going to catch a few winks in the car on the way to work. Hopefully I'll feel rested by the time I reach the office!

Have a good day & weekend. I'm personally excited for the weekend to be changing my nails. Even though I have to cut them short because 2 fingers has chipped. But I'll still have beautiful nails! 

The first day of the rest of my life.

Wow, my last post said I wished I didn't take so long to write my next post and here I am, only 4 years later on the 1st of January 2020. So much has changed since 2016 and yet nothing has changed. I'm still working the same job I was in 2016, except there's a new name on the door and new team members. I'm still living at the same place I was in 2016, except my grandparents are getting on in age. I'm still doing my nails every weekend, except with slightly more skill (I hope).

The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. Not because of the Christmas celebrations or the Year End celebrations but because my granddad was diagnosed with Lymphoma in early December. Thankfully, the doctors said that it is a milder case and had only prescribed 6 doses of chemotherapy. He's already done with one dosage just after Christmas and came home just before the New Year, now it's all about keeping him healthy until the next dosage which should be in 3 weeks time. Honestly, I'm thankful that it is a milder case and so far, most of the family (namely his children) have come forward to help. However, this experience has shown me that a majority of my aunts and uncles, have no idea what it takes to take care of their aging parents.

I don't have much experience with older people aside from what I've watched on the television and my own grandparents. Sure, I've met a ton of older people in church but I know better - people aren't always like how they seem in public. I think it is quite similar to having a child, where parents are the ones who know the child best because they see the child both when they are at home and when they are in public. Of course, the advantage parents have is that they have the power to shape how their child behaves in public or at home. While when it is your aged grandparents, you don't have a choice but to live with it and take the necessary steps to not go insane.

Having said that, a geriatric doctor has confirmed that he is 80% certain my grandad has the beginnings of dementia. At least with this diagnosis, my blood pressure does not rise when my relatives insist that his forgetfulness is because of old age and nothing more terrible than that. My grand aunt says there is a patch that could help with his dementia unfortunately there is no medicine that can help curb his other attitude issues of being grumpy and impatient. Another benefit with this diagnosis is we can take steps to ensure what happened in March last year does not happen again. Where my granddad went to the atm to withdraw money, but forgot, and said someone had stolen his atm card and was stealing money from his account. Naturally we made a police report and the police had video evidence that it was him at the atm and not someone else. Why nothing had been diagnosed before now was because he refused to allow us to follow him to see the doctor and insisted on always going on his own. The only reason the hospital had a geriatric doctor see him was because they realized he stopped making sense the longer you talked to him. So I guess it was a blessing in disguise. 

I'm not entirely certain what I had planned for 2020 because all I saw, upon the diagnosis, was a long road to recovery plus having to explain daily what is happening to my granddad to him and seeing that he does not understand what we are telling him. And while I can barely muster the enthusiasm for a new year, all I can think of is, this is the first day of the rest of my life and how I'm going to survive it. Because I'm fairly certain I will survive it, it just depends on what mental state I'll be in afterwards. 

I think finding this part of myself is going to help tremendously. I've found I explain myself better through the written word than I do verbally. Also, I think I need somewhere to vent. It does not matter if no one ever reads this, but I feel a bit comforted with the knowledge that I've unburdened myself without requiring someone else to carry my burden for me. Not for the first time, I find myself rather excited to go back to work. Because if I'm being really honest with myself, I'm not sure how many more days I can endure my grandparents antics without having a serious breakdown. 

Until next time, please be kind to every person you meet because you never know what they could be going through right now.

Love, me