The beginning of the most unforgettable event in history.

It's late and I really should be in bed. I've put this off for about, two to three days now. Every time the urge to write comes and before I actually get settled down in front of the computer, the urge vanishes into thin air. Just like the snap of fingers. I suppose it probably has to do with what I've been feeling lately. Frankly, I don't even know what I'm feeling. My mood swings are all over the place and they're changing so fast, it's kind of freaking me out.

Like I've said before, the long it takes me to gather the courage to talk about what I'm feeling about this whole mess, the quicker my courage deserts me and the harder it is to actually pinpoint what I'm feeling and to actually talk to you about this. My feelings on the matter were pretty clear in the beginning. Or so I thought. I did bounce from one side to the other as I heard both sides of the story but there was one thing that remained while I was trying to decide what I was feeling. That was anger and dislike which was bordering hatred. The thing is, I don't think I have any right to these feelings. I mean, I don't know. The fact that it took so long for me to be in the actual loop, despite what was said, it hurt. It also hurt that maybe, every person I thought could fill the role of my best friend, just doesn't want to be that. It's like, every person I tell 'hey, you're my best friend' just looks at me funny and says 'I don't want to be your best friend' I thought I gave up after what happened a few years ago but it seems, I really am a sucker for pain and hurt. But that's beside the point, because those feelings fade as they always do. Just because I don't want to hold on to these thoughts and lose the people I really care about. I made that mistake before (though, it felt like you really couldn't give a damn if I stuck around or not) and I didn't want to do it again. 10 years of friendship is plenty of time to let go just of a fleeting moment of insecurity. Aside from the anger, there was the dislike bordering hate. I don't even know you and yet I have this intense feeling of wanting to scream at you. Although it would be more apt to say I'd love to actually hit you. I don't think I've actually let go of this dislike and it's making me want to scream at one of the people I never thought I'd want to scream at, ever. But just like how it is with law, the longer you take to actually put forth a case, the lower your chances of winning. The longer it takes for me to talk to you about my feelings, the harder it gets for me to actually pinpoint or even tell you what I've been feeling. And just for the fact that I can't hold it in anymore, I'm just going to put it all out here. Right now. And if you think you'd like to talk to me, I'm sure you'll know where and how to find me.

I kept telling myself that it's very possible you didn't realize what was going on until everything started going wrong. I stuck with that through everything and I really believed it. Then things started to change the way I thought. Things I read, things I heard, things that weren't said. I mean, who does what she did if they had only friendship in mind? And my argument ends there. How could you not know? I don't think it's possible anymore and that is what scares me the most. I don't want to lose you, I really don't. I know, I probably have to come to terms with this on my own because, you'll probably never step foot here. Some times, I wish I could've done something. Like they say, hind sight is always 20/20 isn't it? I really hope this doesn't affect our friendship but,sometimes I dread to pick up the phone even to text you. And at other times, it's so easy to pretend and then everything just slams back into me when I'm alone. It sucks and I wish I wasn't a fucking coward who was afraid of losing you.

I hate that everything crashes down on you at the same time. It's only another 2 more months before I'm free from having to study and yet, I'm already feeling like giving up! The worst part is, I just want to give up and live the rest of my life doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. Right now, I hate it when people ask me what I want to do. Because if I really sat down and thought about it, I'd quit school and just be a bum. That's what I want to do and it scares me. Urgh!

I think I'm gonna partake in my nightly ritual of lying in bed wishing for a better tomorrow. Maybe I'd cry my eyes out again, and hope everything wouldn't look so bleak in the bright sun light.