It's amazing how my first post of 2011 is done while I'm still dressed from the day and crying my eyes out.
I think sometimes, it's futile to separate myself from who I have already become. It just makes the disappointment harder to bear when I fall back into the darkness. I know it's pointless, pointless to keep thinking back and wondering if there was anything I'd do differently. Skip out on Junior College and went to Polytechnic. Then, I wouldn't have met Natasha, and I wouldn't have worked where I met here. Which then means I wouldn't have started school when I did, or have met the people I know now. Although yes, I admit there are some of them whom I wish I had never met but, there are some who right now, I'd give the world for to keep. Then again, if there are some things you were meant to always have regardless of your choices, or people you were meant to meet regardless of your choices, would the choices I have made make a difference in who I have in my life now, or what I have now?
If time never moved, I think I may have kept myself forever at 19, or maybe 18. Just out of Junior College, thanking the heavens I survived school and at least managed to pass my examinations. Even if my marks were less than desirable. I'd be working and doing mundane things that at least I loved to a certain extent. Also, I think I might've still been in love with that boy who said he'd come for me one day. If time never moved, he wouldn't have joined the army and maybe, just maybe, he'd be the one who'd make me happy for the rest of my days. But then again, your happiness shouldn't solely depend on one person should it? Because if that person was taken away, your happiness would disappear along with him. But maybe he would have been good for you, you know. Sometimes, I still wonder if things might have turned out differently if he never left. But that's all in the past now.
If I could turn back the clock, I think I'd be back in secondary school. It doesn't matter that I had to go to school five days a week, every week for a month unless it was a holiday. Ten months a year, give or take a few weeks because of the term holidays. I'd even take back the morning runs just for the hell of it. I'd even take the turmoils of friendships that have left me scarred. There are so many things I'd suffer if only I could turn back the time to when things were simpler.
Things happen because of consequence or because some things cannot remain as they are for long. Some things happen because we didn't think we needed to do anything until it was too late. Some things happen because we are simply too tired to care, only to lament the situation when the dust has settled. Some things happen because we were oblivious to reality and simply wanted to remain in our contented world for as long as we could. The hardest of these things has to be knowing that things happened not because someone deliberately made a choice but because that person because of innocence caused something to happen that no one could take back. I don't know if it would be harder to accept that what was done, was done deliberately, consciously, or to know deep down in my heart, that you really did not know what was going on. Even saying it out aloud, or typing it out, or shouting it in my mind, I think my heart doesn't believe that you could not have known. How could you possibly have not known? It's almost an impossibility; yet, I'm still trying to convince myself that maybe, you really are that innocent or oblivious.
Too many things are bottled up. Too many things have been left unsaid. Too many things are thought yet never pass the lips. I want to say everything that's on my mind. But I know, when push comes to shove, I won't. Because I know that whatever I say, whatever that passes my lips, can never be taken back. And once I voice them out, they'll keep playing in my mind on a loop. And once everything is out there in the open, I don't know how it'll look once the dust has settled. I don't want to hurt you, I don't ever want to hurt you. I'd rather wrap my hand around a glass piece and take the pain than voice my pain and see your heart break. Maybe it's better if I just voice it out and deal with the consequences later. At least then, it'd stop from piling up inside of me. But I know I could never do it. I could never say something that'll hurt someone I love if I could stop it from happening. So what to do now? Smile, Nod, Pretend? I don't know, maybe.
I know what I've been missing the most. The only balm I know that can and will soothe my aching heart. Talking to people who live on the other side of the world. Just a few minutes and I already can't keep the smile off my face. It is times like these that, I just wish, I had the money to take a plane and fly over there. Just to say I love you and to spend time with them.
Well, I think I've been sufficiently cheered up. Things aren't settled yet, unfortunately. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know how I'm going to face my mother later. Well, I am going to try and get 4 hours of rest and then, maybe crash into bed tomorrow night. And i think, I shall start blogging again. If just to be able to write again, because it hurts when you let go of your first love for less important things in life.
I think sometimes, it's futile to separate myself from who I have already become. It just makes the disappointment harder to bear when I fall back into the darkness. I know it's pointless, pointless to keep thinking back and wondering if there was anything I'd do differently. Skip out on Junior College and went to Polytechnic. Then, I wouldn't have met Natasha, and I wouldn't have worked where I met here. Which then means I wouldn't have started school when I did, or have met the people I know now. Although yes, I admit there are some of them whom I wish I had never met but, there are some who right now, I'd give the world for to keep. Then again, if there are some things you were meant to always have regardless of your choices, or people you were meant to meet regardless of your choices, would the choices I have made make a difference in who I have in my life now, or what I have now?
If time never moved, I think I may have kept myself forever at 19, or maybe 18. Just out of Junior College, thanking the heavens I survived school and at least managed to pass my examinations. Even if my marks were less than desirable. I'd be working and doing mundane things that at least I loved to a certain extent. Also, I think I might've still been in love with that boy who said he'd come for me one day. If time never moved, he wouldn't have joined the army and maybe, just maybe, he'd be the one who'd make me happy for the rest of my days. But then again, your happiness shouldn't solely depend on one person should it? Because if that person was taken away, your happiness would disappear along with him. But maybe he would have been good for you, you know. Sometimes, I still wonder if things might have turned out differently if he never left. But that's all in the past now.
If I could turn back the clock, I think I'd be back in secondary school. It doesn't matter that I had to go to school five days a week, every week for a month unless it was a holiday. Ten months a year, give or take a few weeks because of the term holidays. I'd even take back the morning runs just for the hell of it. I'd even take the turmoils of friendships that have left me scarred. There are so many things I'd suffer if only I could turn back the time to when things were simpler.
Things happen because of consequence or because some things cannot remain as they are for long. Some things happen because we didn't think we needed to do anything until it was too late. Some things happen because we are simply too tired to care, only to lament the situation when the dust has settled. Some things happen because we were oblivious to reality and simply wanted to remain in our contented world for as long as we could. The hardest of these things has to be knowing that things happened not because someone deliberately made a choice but because that person because of innocence caused something to happen that no one could take back. I don't know if it would be harder to accept that what was done, was done deliberately, consciously, or to know deep down in my heart, that you really did not know what was going on. Even saying it out aloud, or typing it out, or shouting it in my mind, I think my heart doesn't believe that you could not have known. How could you possibly have not known? It's almost an impossibility; yet, I'm still trying to convince myself that maybe, you really are that innocent or oblivious.
Too many things are bottled up. Too many things have been left unsaid. Too many things are thought yet never pass the lips. I want to say everything that's on my mind. But I know, when push comes to shove, I won't. Because I know that whatever I say, whatever that passes my lips, can never be taken back. And once I voice them out, they'll keep playing in my mind on a loop. And once everything is out there in the open, I don't know how it'll look once the dust has settled. I don't want to hurt you, I don't ever want to hurt you. I'd rather wrap my hand around a glass piece and take the pain than voice my pain and see your heart break. Maybe it's better if I just voice it out and deal with the consequences later. At least then, it'd stop from piling up inside of me. But I know I could never do it. I could never say something that'll hurt someone I love if I could stop it from happening. So what to do now? Smile, Nod, Pretend? I don't know, maybe.
I know what I've been missing the most. The only balm I know that can and will soothe my aching heart. Talking to people who live on the other side of the world. Just a few minutes and I already can't keep the smile off my face. It is times like these that, I just wish, I had the money to take a plane and fly over there. Just to say I love you and to spend time with them.
Well, I think I've been sufficiently cheered up. Things aren't settled yet, unfortunately. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know how I'm going to face my mother later. Well, I am going to try and get 4 hours of rest and then, maybe crash into bed tomorrow night. And i think, I shall start blogging again. If just to be able to write again, because it hurts when you let go of your first love for less important things in life.
