The things my mind does to me.

Good morning.

Yes, it is already Thursday morning. I don't really know why I am still awake. I haven't been doing anything for the past two hours but sit here, in front of my computer and game. Hahas. So much for having a life. Today was the day. Well, to cleanse ourselves for Christmas. And I must say, in a way, I do feel better. And yet, the doubts have returned. The nagging thoughts have returned. And maybe if night never did come, no one would ever doubt themselves. What do you think?

I saw some people today, I might have been better off without seeing. But then again, how can you escape them, when you're rather closely tied with their immediate family? Sometimes it does seem like I'm fighting a losing battle. And yet, I would rather continue fighting than to lose myself forever. No formalities exchanged, absolutely none at all. Sure, maybe I have already sinned just by not saying hi. But I don't know, part of me really doesn't care. And the other part? The other part just really doesn't know what to do. And then there was the part where I kept rethinking my decision. I was suppose to be ok, you know. After that crying bout in bed after I wrote that entry in my blog about a month ago. After having avoided you for over a month. After deleting your number from my main phone, although never having the courage to totally wipe your number from my second line. I was suppose to be ok, everything was suppose to be ok. But as you can tell, it really wasn't from my previous entry. And if I do rethink, and decide to break my promise, to myself, one which you have no idea about. What would it mean then? That I'll take your greetings when you decide it's safe to talk to me? That I'll wait patiently by the computer when you say you'll be back, and then seeing you go offline? Contenting myself with a few messages, when it seems you never have anything to say to me? And then facing the rumors, people I trust, throw at me like they don't hurt? Because if you haven't noticed, none of the accusations have been aimed at you. I'm the only one who've been shouldering the accusations. And you still, have the guts to say that you've done nothing to lose me as a friend. There, at the bottom of my heart is love mixed with anger, and tears. But I have though, submitted to the idea that I am the one in the wrong. That if it weren't for me, maybe everything would've been better to a much larger extent. It's amazing how influence can change a person's thinking. Yes, I'm sure you should be able to tell. The dark monster residing in the darkest and deepest part of my heart has been unlocked and is roaming the empty shell that is me, making sure every bit of wall I had built up has been grounded to dust. Let's change the topic shall we?

Manicure and Pedicure appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping for a nice colour, to go with the dress I'll be wearing for the party on Friday. And hopefully the new dress I'm going to be getting for Christmas (: A girl can never have too many clothes! Well, unless of course your cupboard is really too small to hold anymore clothes. Hahas. Well, I'm yawning and I'm tearing. It's pretty bad I think. So it's off to bed now. Maybe I'll blog next week, after Christmas because I would be extremely busy on Christmas day and on Christmas Eve. Until then, take care of yourself.

Amanda Loves You (:

My heart still aches for you.

Good evening.

I know, I'm not suppose to be online but I promise I will jump into bed at 11pm. And then I'll be up tomorrow at 6.30am to get my ass to work. I promise. Can't promise I'll be on time, but I will get to work xP Cut this girl some slack won't ya? Anyway, I'm here to blog about last Friday and Sunday. Many things happened, on Friday and on Sunday. But let's start with the happy stuff first won't we?

Friday started off pretty well. Although the first thing I thought of in the morning was 'Oh my goodness, am I late for work!' It was a pretty funny thought when I was in the shower. Got changed, did my make up and then rushed out of the house at 8.30am. I got out of the shower at 7.30am by the way. Yes, an hour to get ready. I am truly becoming a girl. Hahas. So we got a bus down to Toa Payoh, and then hopped onto another bus to Thomson Plaza. The shop was not opened when we arrived, which was at 10.30am. We stood around for a bit and then the shopped opened. We decided on four movies, I took an extra for me and mummy since it was cheaper to borrow five than to borrow four. So the movie line up was....wait, I don't want to let you know. hahas. Unless you were there, you'd never know what we watched xP See if you can pry it out of me. Hahas. So we then went shopping for food! Oh, glorious food. We got lots of chocolate, and snacks and we got a carton of milk. We went down to buy a meal from Burger King for the little girl, but Burger King had closed down and Subway was on it's way! I'm immensely happy even though I wouldn't have Burger King near me again. Hahas. Anyway, we then headed back home and started our movie marathon! There are a lot of stuff that happened between that and the evening movie we watched. After the movie marathon we decided to get out of the house and we caught a new release, Alvin and the Chipmunks! It was totally awesome! I will be putting up a video of them, definitely, and then you'll see what I'm crazy about.

I am going to bed now, but I will continue tomorrow. Yes, I will continue this post. See you then. Until then, my heart still aches for you.

Hey there again. I'm back and it's Tuesday night, as promised. I don't know if it was because I slept late and thus woke up in a hurry, or was it some other supernatural doing that my day was horrible! First in the morning, I got stepped on, pushed about and molested by a BAG! Yes dear reader, a stupid, ignorant bag. It was trying to un-hook my bra, I should've hit it but I obviously moved away pretty disturbed. After which, I continued getting pushed and stepped on in the train. And finally, peace at work! Work has been improving, tremendously. But let us get on with my recollection of Friday and then, Sunday and the end of my day, today.

After the movie, we had dinner which by the way is my new favorite and was delicious! On the way home thou, we met Father Khoo which was pretty funny cause Steffi was the first one to notice him. Hahas. After sending everyone home, we headed home and I went to bed at 1am. Trust me, I still don't know how I got up the next morning to go to work. Hahas. Anyway, we shall skip the Christmas party and jump straight to Sunday Morning.

Theoretically, I thought I would have been perfectly fine seeing you again. Personally, I thought I would've been able to ignore you and pretend I didn't know you, like how I was suppose to. Frankly, I realized I had counted the number of days since I last saw you. I don't know what's wrong with me, really. My heart tells me this, my mind tells me that, and I have no clue who to trust, or who to believe. After all, both heart and mind are a part of me. And no, my soul isn't having any part in my love life. So yes, I saw the guy I left 43days ago. It was weird, because he was suppose to be happy. I hardly saw a smile. And I don't know, I was tempted. Very much tempted to go up there and just say hi, or tease him about something so he would smile. But not there, and not then. Because there is no way in hell I was going to put myself up for another slander story. So I sat tight, talked, laughed, joked, and acted like seeing him didn't have an effect on me. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, because then maybe some supernatural force wouldn't have made me see him again today. I mean, there is no humanly possible way I was going to see him again today unless there was divine intervention right! And you know, the worst part wasn't seeing him again. The worst part was having my heart beat irregularly in my chest, the heat crawling up my neck and the redness seeping into my cheeks. It was almost like back in the days when I attended service faithfully just to look at him for an hour. What is a girl to do about her heart? My mind rationalized all the reasons why it would have never worked out between us. Of course, that was after I realized he was never going to look at me the way he looked at the other girls. He was too thin for me to look good next to him. He was too reliant when I needed someone to rely on. He was too obedient when I needed someone who'd tell me what they felt and wanted. There were so many reasons, although illogical and stupid, that my mind came up with. And yet, my heart still skips more than a beat when I saw him today. And I still couldn't stop smiling. What is a girl to do? Can anyone help me.

And then, my heart yearns for another that almost completes me. Another who made me happy, even during the brief month we were together. Another who'd I'll hurt myself before I hurt him. Another whose so far away, it hurts just to think about him. And yet, I can't stop. I can't forget the midnight conversations. The infinite promises. The smiles. The laughter. The happiness I had possessed. I want you back here, by my side, so I can turn to you when I need a comforting hug. When I need a shoulder to cry on. When I need someone to tell me it's going to be all right. If you read this, I don't know if I blame you for going away. I know you wanted to do it for so long. It's your dream, and how can I ever fault you for wanting to pursue your dream? I just wished there was another way I could be with you. To talk to you. To at least know you still love me, even if that love has diminished. At least I know you'll still love me, when I'm still head over heels in love with you. I know, how much can this girl love you when her heart beats for another boy from long ago. But there has to be a difference, doesn't it? The way my heart beats for you, and the way it beats for him. But I wouldn't know, because if I did, I wouldn't be crying. I wouldn't be feeling like a cheating bitch. I wouldn't feel like I had betrayed your love for me. Forgive me, I know I love you, it's just hard, to control something that doesn't want to be controlled.

My heart aches now. For the love I had wanted, and the love I'm clinging on to for. How can two totally separate groups of people exist in the same plane? A group who finds their true love and remains eternally happy with that one person. While another goes on searching for their whole lives and never seems to be able to find the one that holds their heart. It's really amazing isn't it? But I guess, the world is full of small wonders. I guess that's how God made it so we'd never get tired of living in this world, day after day after day. And before I go, since Christmas is around the corner, I thought I'd jot this legend down for the sake of the love birds out there. It was from a fan fiction story I read, and I don't think I'm breaking any laws by typing this down cause it's a legend, and there are no copyright or whatever. Ok, mother is chasing so here is the legend. This is Christmas Eve in Japan where it's important for young ladies to have someone to spend Christmas Eve with. They hope for a romantic dinner, hopefully followed by a night in a nice hotel. [Please get your mind out of the gutter.] Small gifts are exchanged. This is as Christmas Eve in Japan has been promoted as a time for romantic miracles. The legend goes that if you confess your true feelings to each other on that night, your wish will come true. So to all you single ladies, or even attached ladies out there, go spend a lovely evening with your lucky guy and who knows, if his feelings are true, you might just have your future mapped out for you (: As for me, I'm going to hop into bed and hope I can wake up tomorrow morning. Take care, and thanks for reading! And to you two, probably the most special men in my life right about now. My heart aches, for the both of you. And just an extra note, I love you J. I hope you know that.

Amanda Loves You (: