Christmas is around the corner, again.

Good Afternoon.


It's been almost two months since I've visited this blog. I doubt anyone has been visiting this blog anyway. Hahas! Nevertheless, I'm here cause there are somethings that just cannot be covered up or hidden anymore. Well, for one, Christmas is around the corner, again. It seems like such a joyous event. Even "The Nightmare Before Christmas" wasn't as melodramatic as I am feeling now. Well, I'm actually sure that all movies revolving around Christmas is never as slow or as upsetting as I am now being. No, I'm not upset that I'm alone this Christmas. I was alone last Christmas too remember? Johnny all the way in Iraq, doing God knows what. But I was happier then, still. I think it was the absence of what's happening this Christmas. The Family Gathering. Even saying it is reining in the clouds around my head. Lighting, thunder, anything that makes me shudder in fright of the unknown. I still remember being happy, a few weeks ago, with the announcement of the celebration. Well, that was when I invited my friends. Now, they can't make it. I know I shouldn't have hoped since, not everyone is like me, who dread Christmas with their family. Hahas. So what am I doing here? I'm trying to cheer myself up, can't you tell?



There's a Christmas Dinner at Sharon's place on Saturday. Yes, Sharon is back and so is Erika. It feels better somehow. At least not all my friends are overseas huh? Not that I'm more inclined to call them now with this depression quickly pulling me under. Well, you should know I'm still trying otherwise I wouldn't be here now would I? I'm not sure if I want to go yet. When she first messaged me, my first thought was YES, Definitely! And now, I'm just like. "I really don't want to screw up another person's Christmas" Amanda's mind is a very curious and weird place, I know! So what should I do? Go for the dinner or stay at home and try to get some homework done? I wish there was an easier route, but there never is, is there?



I'm hooked on Twilight. No, it's not because of the actors, the books are actually pretty amazing. Well, I've only got the first two books. I'm debating if I should get "Breaking Dawn" at MPH first because both Borders and MPH do not have "Eclipse" I know that there is nothing on earth that could stop me from reading "Breaking Dawn" first before I've even touched "Eclipse" and so, I think I'll not present the temptation to myself. I have already read "New Moon" twice. Just finished my second time last night. I tried reading one chapter by one chapter to make the reading longer. First night, I finished till chapter 4. And then, well, I finished the rest of the book by the second night. Hahas! It's terrible, I know. I haven't even started studying yet. But I will, I swear I will. I need to. So, I'm so wind up about getting the next two books. At first I thought I was going to get all four and the excitement was just making me feel all funny inside. Yes, I haven't really felt excited in a long time. But then they only had two books and that wave of excitement came crashing down and it felt something akin to disappointment. I don't even want to begin to describe what disappointment means when the books were not yet in yesterday at Borders. I swear I could almost feel like crying, and even collecting my yearly honey baked ham wasn't enough to make me smile, fully. It seems very much like an addiction right? Well, frankly speaking, I'm hoping to satisfy it before school starts. Because I really need to start concentrating. Economics is getting more complicated, as is PBF. POA is just going way off course at the moment and Stats is, keeping me sane, surprisingly. I haven't been writing no, the last story I started, it's still in the computer. I haven't had the time or the willpower to sit down and write when I could've been reading. Well, I might probably read twilight again tonight.



I should be off. Mother's coming home with lunch and I need to get that smile back on. Everything feels so dead around me. Sometimes I wonder if I actually do have the ability to suck the life out of anything. Or the fun, out of anything. I hate feeling like this, but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I hope there's something that could make me smile, sincerely. Till the next time I decide to pop back, I promise I'll be back soon, take care and God bless.

Amanda Does Love You Immensely [:

Trust, and life in general.

Good Morning.

It seems all my posts are done only when a quarter the world is asleep, while another quarter is having lunch. The other two quarters, I'm not very sure what they are doing. I should be in bed, yes, even if it is a Saturday already. Mother's still sleeping and I don't have the heart to wake her, but if I don't, she'll just complain about how we don't have enough money. Sometimes, I wish I could drive or at least find a good paying job. Hopefully with this new job, I'll be able to get us through. I'm still thinking of how to occupy my Mondays to Wednesdays. Anyone with help, let me know please? I'm almost desperate enough to do anything.

I just finished a movie marathon of sorts with mummy. Fast and Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Fast and Furious - Tokyo Drift. A few of the best shows I've watched in a while. It seems the racing fever has got us. We watched Death Race the other day. Caught Herbie: Fully Reloaded on Channel5 last Sunday. And now this three movies. The cars were really awesome and maybe, if it weren't for the traffic Singapore roads endure everyday, I just might take up driving. You know, racing for cash isn't so bad either. It's just, it's not exactly allowed in Singapore is it? Hence, there's no avenue to earn money. Right now, I'm regretting not going for the job interview for the F1 race weekend. Sure there wouldn't be a guarantee that they would've taken me but, I still had a shot right? Anyway, let's not dwell on that anymore shall we? I made my choice, let's move on. So watching the show, something from the last movie struck a chord with me. A quote, which is pretty much a good quote to keep by yourself for the long run.

Life's simple. You make choices and you don't look back - Han, Tokyo Drift

If you think about it, it really is that simple isn't it? The hard part is sticking to your choices and not looking back. How many of us really makes a hard decision and not look back? I've looked back a million times, even if it wouldn't really change the past, I still look back. Isn't it only in our nature to long for something unattainable to us? I don't know, I'm just throwing out random suggestions. Maybe I should, start today, to make the choices I want and to not look back. No matter the outcome of these choices. I also need to stop looking back on my other choices. Frankly speaking, I don't know if I can. Did I mention, I'm talking to ST and BT again. The two people I thought I would never talk to again in my whole life. I admit, it's easier to approach a person online than it is to approach a person in real life. Maybe that's why I flourish better on screen than off screen? I don't know where this is going. I don't really want to know either, because then it'll only mean I'll have to make a choice of where and how I want it to go. I rather just sit tight and hold on. The ride's more fun that way, don't you think? I'm not sure about you though, EW. Can we still be friends when all we can do it talk online and never see each other face to face? I don't know if I can, so maybe I wouldn't try. After all, maybe you've already forgotten me. I should put all my efforts into forgetting you too, don't you think?

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough - Frank Crane

Someone else told me something about trust too. I'm not sure if this is the quote word for word but, here it is. Trust cannot be earned; it can only be lost. What do you think? I think it's true. The person who said it, he said that we should trust everyone we meet. Not limiting our trust to how we first percieve the person but instead, trusting that person despite of what our initial impression of that person is. I've actually tried it you know, when school started. So far, it's been quite good. I've smiled at random strangers, not that I didn't before this but yeah. I've made a few new friends, within the OG and outside the OG. Now, I just need to find a way to get myself through it all. It's good to have friends isn't it? But what happens when you realize that you can't stand some of the friends you've made? That just by being beside them, or seeing them, you get annoyed beyond reason. You're trying so hard to keep it under wraps, but knowing you, someone is bound to notice it sooner or later. What do you do? I don't know what to do, except to act like I'm perfectly all right and play along. Another outing is coming up. I think it'll be a good trial run for me, don't you think? Except now, the only thing stopping me is myself and the need for money. It's about $10 for the food, I'm not sure about the bicycle rental. I really don't mind learning how to cycle, you know. It might be fun. And then myself. I don't know if I can endure another day like the last outing we had. I just, don't know. Or maybe I've just become lazy with staying home all day. I need to start getting myself to do some work aside from sitting in front of the com daily.

Ok, my mind's not working. I'm sorry. I was hoping to give you a better read. If it helps any, I'm planning to write another song fic. Hopefully it'll come out more successful and totally like what I was thinking about. Thanks for dropping by, I'm going to crash.

Amanda Loves You Lots [:

Acceptance.

Good Morning.

I know I should be in bed and I will be there in a matter of minutes. I just needed to type out this post because. Simply because. It has been a tough day. My body seems to refuse to do anything I wish it would. The dreams wouldn't stop, my mind wouldn't stop working. Even when all the stars have gone to bed. Is it possible for a heart that is already broken to be broken again? Who am I kidding. Of course it is possible. My heart's already been broken more times than I care to count. Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept the fact that my heart has already been broken and would still be broken again in the future? I don't know. Can one really stop one's heart from being broken by another? If I kept my heart in a glass case and stored it away in a forgotten place. Wouldn't I still hurt when the boy who loves me, decides to love someone else because I'm too afraid to give him my heart? If I continued loving as I am, giving my heart away when I feel I'm in love. Wouldn't I still be hurt if he decides I'm not the one for him, and carelessly drops my heart? There is simply no way one can stop one's heart from being broken by another is there? I'm guessing, the only thing that one can do would be to learn how to pick up the pieces and be very good at puzzles. At least with a skill in doing puzzles, one might be able to piece back one's heart to it's almost perfect shape. I want you to keep my heart. I want you to keep my heart so that I would never fall in love with another man. I want you to keep my heart so that another could never hurt me. A whole night, I spent thinking up the ways I'll ask you. In one second, your words sliced up my heart, even before it was placed into your hands. You'll never take my heart, I know that now. It doesn't matter if you want to protect me because, can you protect me from yourself? I don't even know how to protect myself from you. I apologize, if I ever seem too cold or too aloof around you. I'm trying not to hurt you, I'm desperately trying not to hurt myself. I don't want to give my heart to someone else. I gave up once, one a boy I thought I could forget. I miss him and I miss what could have been. I don't want to give up. The future holds endless possibilities for us, doesn't it? Although you may never forget her, or love me, my heart, right now, is yours for the keeping. I'll be selfish, and take what I can now. So that on nights when I desperately need to feel you with me, I'll remember them and be able to smile. Let me have the memories, you can have my heart.

Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept that the one who has a place in your heart is her while I am merely a distraction until you're strong enough to face her? Wouldn't I be making a fool out of myself by letting myself be used? I could put an end to it. To stop being there when you need a shoulder. To stop being there when you need a time out from her. It would hurt me, definitely, without a doubt. Because, I would never talk to you again. If you're not dealing with her, or trying to get her back, you're in school. If you're not in school, you're online and possibly talking to me. Never talking to you again would hurt me, definitely, without a doubt. I'll miss you, terribly. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Unfortunately in my case, it's true to the very last stroke. How about I just let it carry on? I'll still hurt, without a doubt. One way or another, you'll point out how I'm just a distraction until you're ready to face her away. Your words, they'll cut like a hot knife through butter. Your words, the knife. My heart, the butter. In the end, I'll still hurt. Wouldn't I? It seems, I can never win against you. Do you miss me only because I missed you first? I cannot say what you replied me with didn't hurt. Let's not talk about her, I miss you. How can you say things like this? You think she's playing with you, I think you're playing with my heart. What can I really do about it? Either way, my heart's bound to be sliced up from all sides and I don't see anything that I can do to prevent it, unfortunately. I've thought about it, so many times, to tell you to stop talking about her. Then I wonder, what else are we going to talk about? There used to be teasing, flirting, laughter, jokes between us. Now it feels awkward because you know how I feel. You don't act like it, sometimes we fall back to how we were before and it feels so right. Then you say something to mess it up, and I turn my face so you wouldn't see the tears. How do I stop you from being you, when I love you for the way you are?

Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept that nothing I do will ever be good enough and that I should just give up? Time and time again. I do my best, I keep trying. Hopefully all my efforts would pay off in the end. Yet, you're still as stubborn as the first day I met you. Should I just accept that you're never going to give me a chance? I could, you know. Give up, let go, walk away. Then I would never forgive myself for not giving my all until I have nothing left to do something better for the people. I would, might, let down some people who have placed their faith in me. Most of all, I would've let myself down. I always thought that I would be able to weather any storm, simply because I am me. Walking away like this, wouldn't be me because I would never choose to walk away. I'm determined to never choose to walk away. I could continue fighting against you. Every week, every month, every year. Until you relent. Even the hardest rock will be weathered by water over time. But how much longer can I go on before I finally lose it? My control over sanity. My control over myself. My control over my emotions. As it is, I'm teetering on the edge of insanity just interacting with you. I don't know how much longer of your indifference I can take. I don't know how much longer I can fight you without losing my sanity. I keep thinking, I keep questioning, I keep wondering. I don't know who to ask for guidance. I'm so clouded by anger at you that praying doesn't help anymore. I'm so afraid that if I ask someone for guidance, I might end up screaming at that person for no reason. I'm already so unstable as it is. I've let up, somewhat, on thinking about ways to get you to let me do the slides. But how can I ignore the horrible slides you're commissioning? How can I just sit back and watch you do things the wrong way? I don't know, but it seems I have to. You're not going to listen to me, you're not going to listen to your peers, you're not going to listen to anyone but that small insignificant voice in your head that tells you you're above the rest. Maybe I should accept it and let it go. It's just, I'm not doing this without regret. I want to be able to do things in my life, without regret. I've regretted so many things before, I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting. But what do I do now? I don't want to lose my sanity, I don't want to give up.

Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept that I've already given up on us and should have no concern over what is going on in your life? Yes, I know I was the one who gave up on us. You were the one who let me down first. It seems so trivial now but, I knew, I would've given in to you if you had only fought for me. I would've thrown away my pride, my will, my decision, if you had only fought for me. All you had to do was ask me to stay, and I would have. All you had to do was ask me not to leave, and I would have. All you had to do was ask me to be your friend, and I would have. But the blame's not on you, it's on me. I walked away. Although the funny thing is, I'm not sure if I regret it. If I had stayed, I would still be waiting in the dark for you. Now that I've left, I only constantly wonder how you are. Or maybe, the thoughts only came back to me when you returned a month ago. I admit, I haven't thought that much about you when I didn't see you. I don't really know what I feel anymore, towards you, that is. I forfeited the right to care about you when I walked away. Why is it so hard for me to look at you now? Why is it so hard for you to look at me now? I wanted to look at you, to drink in the sight of you. I didn't do it, simply because I cannot allow myself to get drunk on fantasies again. I lost myself once, I can't afford to lose myself again. I think I should accept that we can never be anything more than strangers. Not in this lifetime anyway. Maybe in another life time, maybe in another dimension. I don't see a future for us, in this lifetime. Not even as friends. I hope that if we do meet again, in another life time. I'll be good enough for you, and that you wouldn't disappoint me again.

Right now, I'm lacking sleep. I will immediately hop into bed so, no long goodbyes tonight. Thank you for reading, I'll try to cheer up and give you a happier post the next time I decide to blog. Take care, and God bless.

Amanda Loves You Lots [:

The Makeover Inc

So here are the photos that I took at The Makeover Inc. They aren't in order and since it's already so late, I'm just too lazy to organize them. I posted the photos here just in case you're too lazy too drop by the Facebook. Let me know what you think!

I think the photographer was trying to go for the 'lounging on the beach' pose. I think it actually came out quite nicely. Although I would've preferred if I was lying on a sofa instead of against an ironing board. I'm guessing they had to make do with what they had. Nevertheless, it was a good invention. I surely wouldn't have thought of it.

I probably wouldn't say this was my personal favorite although I have always wanted to do this pose. Gives you a relaxed feeling. Perhaps a feeling of longing if I wasn't smiling so much either. At least now, I know I can look good while lying on the study table!

Definitely have to be my favorite picture. I think the cute girl look does go with short hair, it might've looked a little funny if I had long hair. I might be thinking about printing this photo again. It's actually quite nice, with the extra space to the right side of the photo. A pretty nice shot don't you think? There is another one, at the top of the post. That was more of an up close one. It wasn't too bad either but I still prefer this one.

The only half body photo I took on my mother's insistence.

And that concludes the photos I got out of the makeover shoot. Only 12 because they charge $10 per photo. Well, at least I've got something to commemorate having short hair willingly. After this, I think I will keep my hair long and perm it like I always wanted to. Curls, they're my next stop.

To let it go or not to let it go.

Good Evening.

To let it go, or not to let it go. That, my dear readers, is the question. I always seem to quote some famous literature quote when I'm in a foul mood. Or if everything is just not going right. I can't say that, to say that would be a lie. A big, fat, lie. Today wasn't a bad day. It really wasn't bad at all. Although yes, I was late to school so I wasn't in time to hand up my economics assignment but there is always Wednesday! Everything after that really wasn't so bad. Even the burnt porridge was edible. The movie was great, the cinema was really empty! Although I think the guy sitting beside me was quite cute. Yes, he had a girlfriend. It wasn't like I was staring at him or anything. A girl can see a lot from just a few glances. Not to mention, I spotted a ultra hot pair of shoes on this girl. It was at least 4 inches, with the platform in front and it was red! Bright hot red. So pretty right? Yes, I dragged my mother out of the cinema hall, after the movie of course, to go look at the shoe. It was so pretty! Ok, after that, we walked into a shoe shop and didn't buy anything. I wasn't all that upset, the shoes really did feel weird when I tried them on. Anyway, then off to Diva. The necklaces there are really pretty! Especially the extra chunky ones. I really need to start dressing up, or at least accessorising. All my earrings are beginning to collect dust, as well as my necklaces. Opps! So after the movie, we went to get a drink. The Mango Chiller that I had today, totally sucked. I was pretty upset so I went back to have it changed. I didn't want to have a oddly tasting Mango Chiller so I decided to have a Chocolate drink instead. I wasn't disappointed! Although I really would've liked to have had my mango chiller. I miss it, badly. Anyhow, after we got our drinks, I went to see Sally to drop off my time sheet. The poor thing sprained her ankle. It must've been the high heels I always see her in at the office. Nevertheless, get well soon Sally! They are counting on you to find them a replacement for me! Then off it was to collect my photos! Trust me when I say the photos looked pretty awesome! If you wanna have a look for yourself, hop on down to my Facebook site. I'm not sure if you can see them without being a friend but if you can't, let me know and I'll send them to you some how! And after collecting my pictures, we went shopping! Ok, it wasn't intentionally. Really, seriously, cross my heart and hope to die serious.

The first buy was an overcoat of sorts. It's not exactly an overcoat and neither was it a shawl. It was more like something to drape over yourself without the intention of keeping you warm. We have been looking for it since forever and mother's pretty glad we got it. She's been complaining that I haven't been wearing my dresses since forever and hopefully with the overcoat, I'll wear them more often. I don't understand why she doesn't just give away the dresses when she's also complaining that my cupboard has no more space? Hahas. The wonders of your mother's mind, I'm sure it's something we will never understand. The next buy, was slightly expected.

A bag and a shoe, both from the same shop. Just before, we saw this really pretty bag on sale for $30. However! We didn't have cash so we decided to come back later. I was really intending to go back later to get it. $30 for a bag is actually considered quite cheap. I mean, considering it's a good quality bag and one that I will carry more times than one. We were walking past this shoe shop and I just caught sight of this shoe that was really nice. Yes, it was a pair of flats and it was something like a converse shoe. Except simpler and more childish looking. Anyway! The material on that one sucked so we went in and looked around instead. Mother saw this really nice small bag which had a cute design. Not a design on the bag but the design of the bag itself. I suggested that she leave it in her car so she wouldn't always have to carry around her huge bags. And since she has her car, she can leave the unwanted stuff inside the car instead of carrying it with her! Smart huh? Anyway, so we got that bag. We decided not to get the travelling bag although the heart designs on it were just to die for! There wasn't anything inside the bag to hold down the items you put into it so mother decided that she didn't want it. While she was deciding, I was looking around the shop. Amazed at how come I'm so attracted to flats all of a sudden. Then I saw these cute shoes that had a really simple design on the front. I was so happy that they had my size but once I wore it, it just felt wrong. Ok, it didn't feel wrong. There were stitching at the bottom of the shoe which I could feel so I decided not to get the shoe. Yes, my sensitive feet have come back to haunt me. But voila! I did find that pair of shoes that was my kind of thing and didn't annoy the living day lights out of my sensitive feet. hahas! Then, we decided to head over to OG just for the hell of it.

I admit, I was going through a withdrawal period from buying shoes so we zapped up from the shoe section to the clothes section. I normally don't buy clothes at OG or Metro because the sizes are too small so I thought I was save. Until, we spotted the relatively small lots of G2000blu and Dorothy Perkins. G2000 was having a sale of some tops so we looked through and found 3 tops which look pretty awesome. Surprisingly, two were yellow and one was white. I never thought I would actually buy bright yellow tops but I did today. The colours were actually quite bright and I was pretty happy to have bought them! While I was taking my time in the dressing room, mother was out and about looking at Dorthy Perkins items. We found a nice hoodie, after which we decided to just get some more stuff so we could get the membership card. We bought another dress, it was blue and really pretty. It's not that short but coming up to about mid thigh. A dress pants. Yes, you read correctly. Amanda has finally bought herself a pair of dress pants! And I got another pair of jeans! Pretty awesome don't you think? So, now I'm a happy camper with my new membership. My next birthday, I really need to start saving now. Hahas! But anything is possible right? Yes, anything is possible with God. So, in total, I bought 3 shirts, 1 hoodie, 1 dress pants, 1 jeans and 1 dress. I'm quite certain that I wouldn't be shopping in the near future or spending money for that matter. Now, it is time to work my guts out and save all that money to pay for everything else.

After that shopping trip, we had dinner at the coffee shop beside the hotel. It was a pretty cheap dinner, only $15! For two persons and a $1.50 drink. It really is awesome going out with mummy, we can share everything hence it's slightly cheaper. Hahas! Well, she does pay for most things anyway. So technically, I save! Hehes. After that, we headed down to church and that, my dear readers, is when everything just went down the drain. The meeting started off pretty badly. Not to mention, no one told me where the meeting was being held at. So first point, Amanda in the dark is a no no. Absolutely no no, I simply hate not knowing where I'm suppose to be. Taking into consideration I'm suppose to be writing the minutes for the meeting. I can't write a complete minutes of meeting when I'm running late for the meeting can I? Anyway, next, I was sitting away from the light and away from the main speaker. I'm so glad I decided to bring my file, other wise, I'll just have to learn quickly how to write off my thigh. It's pretty hard to bend down and write while trying to hear what the main speaker is talking about. At least with my file, I managed acceptably which I am thankful for. Then, we talked about the standardization of the PowerPoint slides.

It seems that you simply cannot take any suggestions, even when you welcome them. I suggest this, you throw back a stupid, idiotic reason. It is pretty obvious that you do not know the meaning of standardization. Or maybe you're not playing dumb, you just really don't know what standardization means. Nevertheless, I don't understand what you are doing anymore. Given I've never understood anything you've ever done. Be it out of the goodness of your heart or for your own selfish needs. You say we're doing this for the people of the church. Then why are you happy to commission such a lousy done job? You keep reminding us that you have added commitment at work and are hence unable to do much. You keep reminding us that he is a busy man and has to make frequent overseas trips. If that is the case, why? Why do you insist on rejecting help? If you can't do it, don't screw it up and push the blame on someone else. Or worse still, don't screw it up and write it off as nothing. Sometimes, I want to hit you so badly I literally see red when I hear your voice. Sometimes, I want to scream at you and ask you what you are doing. Sometimes, I want to slap you so hard you'll wake up from your fantasy world where everything revolves around you and your family. The only reason I don't lose my temper and walk out of the room is out of respect to the main speaker. I've lost all respect for you the day you decided to put all the blame on me. Frankly, I don't care if you find this. Because I'm sure, even your wife can tell you how much I detest you. I'm sure even someone who doesn't know either of us, can tell how much I detest you by our interaction. I apologized once. I actually regret doing it, because I didn't mean it. Not really. I admit, I only did it because he asked me to. If he didn't, I would've never done it. But now, no names, no places, nothing to link me and you. Unless of course you're a mind reader. But seeing as how dumb you act, I highly doubt you can be a mind reader. Should I let this go? Or should I hang on to it? For at least three months, I didn't join. Simply because I knew, that there was no way I was going to be able to talk to you like a civilized person. How do you talk to an uncivilized person civilly? So why did I do it? Why did I join? Because I thought that the one who was doing the slides was doing a mighty lousy job at it and wanted to help. Sincerely, earnestly, wholeheartedly. What did you do? Rejected me like I was worthless. I took it in stride, I went home, bashed up my pillow a little, cried a little, vented a little. Then I went back and continued to offer my help. Again, again, again and again you rejected me. It's not like I didn't have the qualifications. It's not like I didn't have the time. It's not like I didn't have the heart. You would've rather given it to someone who would brainlessly listen to you. Someone who wouldn't reject your suggestions. Someone who would wholeheartedly embrace whatever you said. I don't know what to do anymore, I've run out of ideas, steam and heart. What should I do? Give it up or continue hanging on? I don't know, I really don't know anymore. Someone help me please. I desperately need your help.

It's almost 2.15am. I really should be in bed. I'll just type a little more for the minutes before I send it off to him tomorrow or something, after I'm done with it of course. I don't want to be accused of being lazy or not doing my job. I'm not quite happy with being the one to do all the dirty work but what can a girl do? Especially when she's overpowered by men who only want to do what's good for themselves? I will probably definitely print out a copy for myself and maybe uncle James. I'll really love to see how much he modifies my minutes. I might bring the issue up, I might not. After all, we're not suppose to want glory, instead giving it up to God. I need to work harder, I know. Harder at not hating him. Harder at holding my temper in check. Harder at holding the tears at bay. But a girl only do so much can she not? Nevertheless, I'll buck up. Until I can decide what I should do. In the mean while, I'll fret over getting that job and my studies. God will handle the rest right? He always comes through for us. Take care. Sweet dreams and God bless.

Amanda Loves You [:

He Loves You Too [:

My first movie with a commentary.

Good morning.

The weekend is finally here! Actually, the weekend doesn't hold that much of a kick anymore, considering how I'm not working during the week and I will not be having classes for the next two weeks. All subjects except for PBF. Don't ask me why, I'm not the administrator. Even so, I wouldn't be looking forward to the weekend anytime soon. I should be starting work next weekend. And surprisingly, I'm not as miffed about it as I actually should be. I mean, who really wants to work on a weekend? I'm not sure if I'm a confirmed staff since I only went for the informal interview today with three others. But it does look promising. And I've already calculated my earnings if I go to work faithfully and obviously, am not late for work. $130 for two weeks, really isn't that bad. I could've been not earning anything, for a whole year! So, I'm not complaining. Since the hours are short and the environment, looks really conducive! I'll blog more about it, when I start work. But I am looking forward to it, so, expect for wonderful over praising reviews!

Today was a relative lazy day. I woke up at around 11, again for no apparent reason. I think I need to start sleeping earlier so my body clock wakes me up earlier. hahas! Had lunch with mummy, delicious. yum yum! At around four, we left to go to Republic Poly for the informal interview. I'm not exactly sure if I was late because the other two were already there. hahas. Anyhow, neither one looked to be have waited long although it was pretty awkward when the girl sitting one space from the interviewer moved closer to the end of the couch than towards the interviewer so I could sit. The chair was also pretty soft so, I kinda sunk into the seat. It really felt very awkward because it's like, everyone's sitting down and then when I sit down, the chair sinks under me a little. hahas! Anyway, we're past that. The interview, introduction, went on for about twenty minutes? I left first with the other guy because she had more information to pass on to the other girl who was going to be helping with the administrative part of the company. I would've asked if I could've stayed longer to listen but, I don't think I'll be able to commit to the hours. Seeing as how I have classes on all days but Wednesday. And office jobs are from 9 - 5. After the interview, me and mummy rushed off towards orchard for a movie! That was when almost everything came crashing down.

Firstly, the row of convent girls sitting behind us. I'm am utterly appalled. Did we use to act like that? Climb over cinema chair seats so we wouldn't have to walk past people to get out of the row? Talk so loud that the two rows in front of us could possibly take part in our conversation? Make loud comments during the movie so everyone in the cinema would know what we are thinking? Clap and cheer in the cinema? It's quite sad how we never really notice how we act to affect the image of the school we are in until we have left. Or we have matured. Nevertheless, I was pretty upset. I frankly have not encountered this kind of situation in a cinema before, that's why I just sat there and stewed while they exchanged phone numbers and juicy details of someone else's personal life. Not to mention, the girl who was sitting beside the girl sitting beside me was rocking in her seat so violently that my seat was moving. I got so annoyed I changed seats with my mother. When the show started, the two girls left the cinema theatre. One climbed over the seat to the front row [thankfully it was empty] while me and mummy moved our feet so the other girl could pass through. They never did return for the movie. I'm not entirely sure why they left, but if they had the courage to make so much noise in a cinema while the advertisements were running, I'm sure they would've had the courage to stay throughout the movie even though I showed my displeasure by changing my seat. Well, the remainder of the movie passed by relatively quiet aside from the few loud comments from the row behind us. I just rolled my eyes and tried to concentrate on the movie. And then, someone answered a phone call. hahas. The cute American guy beside me was like 'wtf?' and he said it pretty loudly. The typical Singaporeans just did the 'shh' sound while I sat in my seat and giggled silently. It was pretty funny at that time. Especially amidst the 'shh'ing, the American went 'wtf' quite loudly. Aside from that, there weren't much annoyances during the movie.

The movie. A little predictable. Out of the three movies, Step Up, Step Up 2: The Streets and Make It Happen, my vote would have to go to Step Up. That would definitely be for the story line. The dancing I have to say, it's almost impossible to choose. Unless of course, you've got a specific genre of dance that you prefer watching. I just prefer watching all types of dance. I really need to have a dance movie marathon. Hopefully people will actually come. Everyone is so busy with school and life, no one ever has time for me anymore. Unfortunately. Well, I will have that dance movie marathon one day! Most probably soon though, during the week when Ethel has her school holidays and I'll force Jessica to come and pray that Steffi and Genestine are able to make it!

After the movie, we bought Gloria Jeans again before going home. And tada! Here I am, at the computer again. I should be going to bed soon. I've got a nail appointment tomorrow and dinner in the evening with OG08. Hopefully it'll be less disastrous? One can only hope. I also hope my nails will not get destroyed! I will be ultra pissed if that were to occur. Maybe I'll just stay at the nail place a little longer to allow the nails to dry under the blower. Yes, that is what I will do. So now! I will head to bed and hopefully wake up early tomorrow to go and get my nails done. They said that they don't have any appointments tomorrow, so I might go down a bit earlier so that I can end earlier. Hmmm. What colour shall I choose?

So it's off to bed with me now. I shall be a good girl and wake up early tomorrow so that I will not be late for any of my appointments! Thank you for dropping by. I'll try and make my rants longer and more interesting for you to read. I admit I haven't been up to it lately. Tired and emotionally worn out and all. But I will get better! Hopefully. hahas. Well, take care and good night, for now!

Amanda Loves You Lots [:

What a day.

Good Evening.

I don't think you'd appreciate me telling you that I just had my shower and am not dressed yet so, I shall go get dressed now and be back asap! ~twenty minutes~ Ok, I didn't take twenty minutes, only a few minutes. So yes, as the title says, What A Day. It has been a extremely tiring day. I'm both emotionally and physically tired so I shall just keep this post to a minimum. As much as I can shorten it, I will. Although I do have a few things to mention. I don't mean to offend anyone, but if I do, I apologize in advance. But as I said, these are my personal feelings. If you really do feel offended by them, just let me know and I'll censor it or something. But please, don't keep quiet if you are really offended. There is the comment button, or if you know me, MSN or you could just tell me face to face. So, onward!

First up was waking up at 7am for no apparent reason. Mother didn't slam the door. Pharoh didn't bark at me. There wasn't anyone screaming. There wasn't any loud noises. The only thing that happened was I opened my eyes. Needless to say, I woke up again at 10.30am. I was late, by about 15 minutes into class. I'll ask my classmates about what the teacher talked about another day, it is 2.14am and I'm not in the mood to think about Principles of Banking and Finance. Sorry Mr Peh. After which, we went to Tricia's place to study. Except, we didn't really studying. Not much anyway. Class ended at 3pm, right? We reached Tricia's place at around, 4pm. I really should've called Tricia instead to get the directions to her place. Anyhow, we looked at clothes that Tricia was selling, and I was tempted to play Elven Blood. Well, I would've been absorbed in the game except the connection was a little off so I gave up and just sat there to listen to them talk for a bit. And then finally, I got down to studying. Actually, I didn't study much, all I did was read the readings and understood more of what Mr Peh taught today. I think it was a weak attempt at studying but well, I never did study well with company. I shall skip the whole 'getting ready to leave' part because, my eyes are tired and I have no desire whatsoever to delve back into my memory to recall what happened.

Fast forward to Dinner. I had sweet and sour pork with rice. It was really extremely tasty. Despite it being $4. I admit the wok concept was cute but nevertheless, we were talking about Holland Village. Everything is overpriced, is it not? Anyway, the dessert cum drink that I had really wasn't anything to die for. It wasn't sweet, it was cold and it just, wasn't smooth enough. Tou Huay. I still miss the one from Tiong Baruh Market. Or maybe I just miss SOC. After the desert, we took a bus down to Dempsey Hill. Poor little me had to use coins to pay for my journey. Do you know how embarrassing it was to put in coins and have the uncle stare at you and ask you how much which you reply '$1.20' and he looks at his buttons and says, 'only $1.10 or $1.30' which you expertly follow by dropping a twenty cent coin into the slot. The uncle stared at me and if I am not mistaken, he was trying not to laugh. Frankly speaking, if I was there, in spirit, I would've laughed until my stomach hurt. hahas! Fast forwarding to walking to Dempsey Hill. We missed a stop, hence explaining the walking. If I wasn't so short on cash, I would've been all for taking a cab. But alas, the wallet's a lil tight these days. Onward to the evening highlight.

First awesome point, the hot waiter. Ok, maybe he wasn't the 'drop dead gorgeous' kinda guy but he was definitely cute. I may have, at the moment, thought he was smiling at me but on hindsight. I do wish he was smiling at me. Well, Justin did get his number on a dare. Although I doubt he actually saved it. Do miracles happen for little girls who have been naughty? Second awesome point, my drink. Pina Colada. Sweet, Cool and totally refreshing! I think it is the first time I've tried it and I must say, it wasn't a wrong choice. I really need to find my favorite cocktail. Melon Ball is definitely up for the running. Amanda has never been known to turn down a fruit! I'm actually secretly glad I didn't join in the last drink with the guys. I don't think my body can handle being awake longer than it has to. Almost hitting the 15hour mark. Ok, I'm a lazy girl. What are you gonna do about it? Third awesome point, just hearing his voice. HAHAS. Yes, I think I am obsessed. Just a little anyway. It's just so hard to actually meet cute guys who know how to dress well and who doesn't continuously speak chinese to you. Oh, I forgot to mention the cutie in class today that looked a lil like Elvin. I doubt he noticed I was staring but I'm definitely going to be looking out for him at the next lecture! Ok, I'm sure by now, you'll know what the next few awesome points have got to do with. His smile, His laughter, and just, Him. Well, I don't think if I'm ever going to meet him again, but if I do. I'll thank the heavens first. The time we chilled out around the table, including the games we played were fun. I don't ever think I've done a cat walk being so unglam before. Like seriously, a jumper and converse shoes? Next please! I need to update my closet but, its a little costly. If you know what I mean. Anyway, I won't say I wasn't entertained but I won't say I wasn't really annoyed at times either. You always have to take the good with the bad don't you? So, fast forwarding to the end of the evening. The pictures we took, I think I blinked in both of them. But it is all right! I was never photogenic anyway. Doesn't matter if you can see my eyes or not. Hahas!

Tomorrow I'm going to give the Dance Studio a call. Hopefully, there is still a vacancy. I really want the job, despite the $5/hour pay. After all, it is better than nothing. Cross your fingers for me will you? I really should go now. My eyes can't take it anymore, they are really as heavy as lead. I will be back another day, hopefully once my annoyances have disappeared. I know I need more patience but, I'm working on it. I just, need a little more time and a whole lot more of effort. On my part, and on your part. Ok, bed time for this little girl. I'll catch you guys another day. Take care. Thank you for dropping by! Leave a comment, if you will. At least I'll know there is someone who is mildly interested in my life. Hahas. Good night and Sleep tight.

Amanda Loves You Lots [:

Goodbye to a special year

Evening.

Yes, I'm suppose to be studying and I will. Soon. After this post, definitely. Seeing as how my conversation partner wouldn't be coming back online soon. It hurts how I trust so easily, only to be let down, again and again and again. Anyhow, let's not touch on that topic tonight. I can't get myself so upset that I can't study right? I have already put of studying for an entire week simply because I was busy doing cards and what not. It has indeed been a hectic one last week of work. Yes, I am not officially unemployed and considered a full time student. No, I'm not gonna stay a full time student for long. Maybe I will to the adults around me, but to those closer to me, you'll know I'm never going to be able to be a full time student. Not anymore anyway. Once again, let's steer away from the upsetting topics. Let's talk about the good stuff, shall we?

It's a little upsetting, yes, that I've finally left work. I really would've stayed on if the circumstances were different. I mean, if I was studying part time instead of full time. Nevertheless, I still don't think I'm cut out to hold a full time job while studying part time. It really is just too tiring for me, and I don't think I handle it very well. Considering my pocrastinting problem I have with studying. Hahas. Although I must say that I did leave with a bang. Hahas. It was a good day, on Friday, when I left. I didn't cry, which was a miracle in itself. There was no one else but Kemas in the office when I left at 8pm. Yes, 8pm. I had work I needed to finish before I left. But I did it happily, or as happy as anyone can be while doing work. Hahas. Anyhow, it was indeed a good day. I'm glad the clinics liked the cards I made for them. I admit, it might be a little insincere since I wrote their names on the cards as they were in the rosters hence if they had an english name, it wouldn't have been reflected on the card. Nevertheless, I'm still glad that they were happy for it. Especially Clinic J. Aside from that, I'm glad everyone else was happy with their cards. My hand really did cramp up the night before after writing ten cards at once, not to mention the fourteen clinics card I did. Hahas. Yes, it was a sight to behold. Amanda, sleeping at 3am [which meant I only got 3 hours of sleep waking up at 6am] just to finish cards and what not. My mother said it was unbelievable since I rarely stayed up to finish my homework, always leaving it to be done in school or have a full blown panic attack the next day. Hahas. Well, I've taken to this sleeping early rule. So that I can wake up early the next day. And not to mention, improve the damn skin on my face. Hahas. It's been working well so far, I've rarely slept after 12am. And I really should hurry up with this post so I can get some studying done and go to bed before 12 again tonight. Hahas. Well, before I stop with my talking about work. I'll just like to say a final thank you to everyone who has worked with me the past year. Been a friend. Been a mentor. Been a guide. Been a guardian. Been a colleague. Thank you all and it has been a wonderful journey. I do hope we keep in touch and meet up again! I will surely come back to visit you guys! And I promise, I'll get that oven and bake cookies for everyone!

You might've noticed that my last post was in a total different format. That is because I blogged from my phone. It was almost 12 and I didn't want to turn on my computer. Simply because if I did, I would have never got to bed even by 1am. Even if my eyes were already closed! I don't know what else to say about the previous post. Talk about regret. Talk about a missing friendship. Talk about him. I don't really know how much regret I feel over the choice I made. The choice to leave. Right now, at this point in time, with me sitting in front of the computer and typing. I feel like it's the right choice to have left. Because there was absolutely no reason whatsoever for me to have stayed. There was simply no incentive and my survival instinct kicked in, I could say. Which idiot would've really stayed just to be hacked down with words and looks without a single chance to breathe properly? And then. There is the point in time when I see you. You don't even look at me anymore, you know. And I wish I didn't leave. I wish I still had the right to run up to you and hit you just so you'd smile and pretend like it hurt. To ask you why you look sad. To ask you about your day. To ask you about your life. When I see you walking, I turn around and walk in the other direction just so I don't have to test my self control. Those times are when I am filled with the deepest feeling of regret. I regret walking away. I regret leaving. I regret not pushing you harder to be your friend. But there really is nothing I can do now right? All I can do is just watch you from a distance and hope you smile again.

My work is sitting patiently beside me, waiting for me to take notice of it. It is almost 11.11pm and my conversation partner hasn't returned. I don't think he will be coming back. But it's really ok through, he hasn't talked to me since he returned from iraq anyway. You would think that once you've given up on someone loving you, they wouldn't have the power to inflict anymore pain on your heart. Hahas. It still seems that whatever part of my heart I give away, is still connected one way or another to the actual thing. And it still hurts when you step on it. Ok, I'm not going to go into detail and try desperately not to cry. I'll let the tears out later, but now, I'm an independent girl who doesn't need a man (: Thanks for dropping by again! I will try to post every two days or so. I'm hoping I won't have the time, which means I'll be studying more. But I still do need some relaxation from life and everything, in general. Till next time, miss me.

Amanda Loves You, She Really Does.

Amanda remembers.

Good Night.

I'm well beyond pissed at the moment. I was blogging, just about a second ago. And it all disappeared simply because my phone decided to screw with me. See, that is precisely the reason why I need a better phone. I'm so tempted to get the N81 instead of the SuperNova series. And then comes in the question of money and I've decided not to buy a new phone.

What happens when you promised yourself that you wouldn't regret. And when the time comes, you didn't know it'll turn out like this and you're filled with regret? I've given up on us as a couple, you know. Sure, in my goodbye letter I said I still felt something for you. But who doesn't still feel for their crush? Albeit I said it felt like more than just a schoolgirl crush. I just want a friend. I've always wanted a friend in you. You said we would be friends and I trusted you. I can safely say that I was sorely disappointed. So what are you doing to me now? Are you trying to mess with my mind or are you just back revisiting your roots? I'm pretty selfish aren't I? Wishing your return was because of me. Maybe it isn't, maybe it is. But probably isn't is it? It feels like we're back at the beginning except we're not. We're not total strangers anymore. We're strangers with a past, if that's even possible. But anything's possible in the world isn't it? Maybe I'll see you again next week. But I promise I'll pretend like I don't know you. And that I'm smiling so much is because suddenly, there's this cute boy whose appeared from no where and has caught my attention. Or maybe, it's not because of you I'm smiling. It's because of the people who never let me down, who always encouraged me, who were always there for me. I'll try not to cry for you anymore, because you're not worth it. Especially since you didn't cry when I left. You didn't demand for a reason why I left. You didn't care enough did you? I don't know. I don't know you. I shouldn't know you. Lest your precious girl hears about it.

I should go to sleep now. My eyes are almost closing and my fingers hurt. It's not entirely conducive to be typing on a small keypad when your eyes are as small as rings. So, I'll head to bed now. Or rather, I'll close my eyes and try to sleep. Thanks for dropping by! I promise I'll try to be happier and give you a more, interesting post the next time I come on. But for now, I shall close my eyes and dream about my prince. Clothe in a dark cape with eyes you could drown in. And who loves me, for me.


Amanda loves you [:

She's back!

Good Evening.

Wow. It's been a month. Well, slightly more than a month if you're keeping track of the number of days. And since my last post, another long list of things have happened. Not all were upsetting, I must say. Although, I think majority was, unfortunately. But I'll just skip through those and we'll dwell more on the happier events. After all, I've already given up the depressing path. Life's too short to be unhappy too often.

One good thing that has happened is that, I've started school! University. The day I thought would have never come. I made it, can you believe it? I always thought I was going to be too poor to actually be able to start University, but here I am now. And although I know it's going to be a tough three years ahead, I'm still happy for the moment. Because really, if you've got nothing to be happy about, life wouldn't be worth living. So, since the day I first started school, 2nd August, till today, 31st August, I must say that some of my views on school life has indeed changed. For one, it's not as easy as it looks. Yes, I know I've been telling almost everyone that it feels like a breeze and all I need to do is concentrate and I'll be able to do it but when the sun sets, and I think about my whole academic year, it is a little frightening. More than monsters in the dark. Unlike previous examinations, we've only got one test run, a few weeks in between and then, it's the real thing. I've actually started on some tutorials for certain units and I'm so afraid that when the exam comes, I'm not going to be able to do well. Simply because I have been out of commission for so long. Oh so long. A year and a half. No, I'm not going to let this get me down because, like Ms Yip used to say, it's all in the attitude. I'm going to struggle through, ask loads of stupid questions and torture myself with exam questions if it means that at the end of the day, I'm going to be able to do well in my final examination. And if you're caught in the crossfire, I apologize in advance.

Along with a new school comes new friends. And I think maybe, just maybe, this time it's going to be different. Yes, I'm going to try and be more understanding, tolerant and to maybe slightly more trusting. No one really can live on their own, and I'm definitely not going to be the first person to try and achieve it. What else can I say? The outings have been fun even though I have fallen into the trap of just, falling back into myself. But I got over it. Now, I just need to carry on and look forward. No more looking back, at least, not so soon.

I saw someone unexpected the other day. I couldn't believe how fast the memories came flooding back, the dreams, the conversations, the tears, everything. It's pretty amazing I didn't implode on the spot. It would've been a messy affair. Anyhow, I don't think I'm going to write it down here. I mean, who I saw. Although I can safely say something here, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts just to look at you. It's been what? Almost a year since I last talked to you? Almost a year. I'm silently glad I decided to not wear my glasses that day. Still, I could remember how you looked and it hurt so much. I don't hear about you anymore, because I don't talk to anyone who knows you. I don't see you anymore, because I don't frequent the places you frequent. I don't think about you anymore, because I've buried you at the bottom of my heart. Why did you have to drag everything up just by appearing? Couldn't you have not come, like how you did every other week? I can't blame you, I never could blame you. I left because I didn't want to face the fact you never stood up for me. I left because I couldn't blame you for leaving me to fight my demons alone. I left becuse, because the little girl in me wanted you to acknowledge me. You never pushed, you never asked, you never questioned. I told you to drop it, and you did. A good friend? I don't think so, not really. Maybe I wanted you to not want to lose me, as a friend. But I left right? And I'm not going back again. I would've hurt in silence if you had protected me, even for a while. But you didn't, and so, I'll just carry on my life now, and maybe, if we do meet again in the future. Maybe.

Great, now that has totally destoryed my mood for blogging. Anyhow. This is going to be my last week at work. I'm elated, devestated, excited and just overall, a mixture of emotions. Most of the letters haven't been written, but I will get to them soon. I have to, without a doubt. Ok, my mood is seriously down the drain. And there's no one to help me pick it up again. Guess I gotta find my own way, this time. Well, thank you for dropping by. I promise, I will come back in only a few days time. At most, a week. I will make blogging a weekly routine and yes, I'm going back to my maximum one post per day. So you know, if I see anything interesting in school, I'll come and tell you all about it. So, sit tight and wait for more of fun, interesting events in the life of amanda! And since, Christmas is around the corner [only another three months away], I'm going to update my wishlist. So, get me what you will, it's all there! Till next time, take care, be good and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Amanda Loves You (:

Love, Love, where art thou Love?

Love, Love, where art thou Love?

No, I'm not doing a spoof on Romeo and Juliet. I actually happen to really love the play and the movie. It doesn't really take a genius to know what I'm actually aiming for. I actually remember reading a quote once, on love of course. Love is a ghost everyone talks about, but only a few has seen. However, I have to question that. Is it really true? Have only a minimal number of earth's population seen Love? Given that there are a varied number of forms love can be represented in today's world, there has to at least be three or more witnesses to each type of love. Love between a parent and a child. Love between childhood friends. Love between colleagues. Hence I'm guessing this love, most certainly has to be that between a woman and a man. And then again, has anyone really been a witness to true love between a man and a woman? I don't know, because I don't think I have yet. Then again, I don't know what true love is, so how would I know if I've ever seen it or not?

When you've found the one who touches your soul, who fills your life and makes you whole, then you have found true love.

I wonder, is it true? It's funny how these quotes are just blurted out without an instruction manual. I mean, how would you know if someone has touched your soul, or if someone has filled your life. After all, isn't the soul a innate part of a person that cannot actually be touched and the fulfilment of your life dependent on yourself? Ok, I'll be less of a pessimist and more of an optimist. So in this case, touching some one's soul would mean knowing that person intimately and yet, still accepting that person for who he or she is? That's my own interpretation, you can find your own somewhere inside your mind. Is that really possible though? Knowing some one's most intimate details and yet still accept that person for who they are? Knowing their faults, their weaknesses, their habits, their past, what they've done that they're ashamed off and still accept them for who they are? But let's throw in something else that everyone has done once or twice in their lifetime. Judgement. Does truly loving someone mean not judging them by what they have done or the choices they have made? If so, can a convicted murderer who feels no remorse be truly loved by someone else? Well, granted none of us are that knee deep in regretful things we've done, but is that what it means? I admit, it bothers me sometimes about the things I've done in the past. The things I've said, the situations I've been in, the things I've done. How can someone else, who knows these things, still chose to unconditionally love me when I don't know how to show myself love? I'm not attributing this to the 'Love yourself before others can love you' theory because really, you don't need to love yourself for others to love you. Your parents love you even if you hated yourself. Your friends love you even if you thought you were the ugliest bint on the face of the earth. People can always love you even if you don't necessarily love yourself. That's my opinion, find your own. Now what would you know if someone has filled your life? Does it mean feeling like there is nothing else life could offer you that would make your life better in the slightest bit? Is that even possible? To have that one person in your life, nothing else could make you happier? Granted we're not talking about children. Children complete your life, it's my opinion. Find your own. To be sure that with that one person by your side, you could brave any storm, face any crisis. From my point of view, that person has to either be a really good catch or reality just hasn't sunken in yet. Ok, maybe I'm now tending more to the pessimistic view given my previous experience. Let's bump the scale back into the light, shall we? You would need compromise, tolerance, communication and forgiveness for it to be actually possible. Compromise when you hit a snag in the relationship where you are both on opposing ends. Without the compromise, you're certain to be happier without the opposing force, your lover. Tolerance when mistakes are made, over and over and over again. Without tolerance, you definitely will be happier if your lover stops making the same mistakes over and over and over again. Communication when things don't turn out the way you had envisioned them to. Without communication, rationale wouldn't let you see a way to work around the situation aside from one scenario, a parting. And finally, forgiveness when we are disappointed and let down by the one we love. Without forgiveness, there will always be a voice whispering in your ear on how you're better off on your own, or with someone else. I must admit, I have fallen into the trap of thinking I could live life forever with just that one person. I say it's a trap because, as you should know, I'm single. Very much so. Maybe it's the initial euphoria, which you mistake for love. It makes you think that all you need is him, and love and you will be ok. I don't look to fault anyone for feeling like that, because I know, at that point in time. Anyone who says it isn't possible, is a lair. A big fat liar. Personally, I feel it might be possible to live just for someone for so long. After that, reality sets in. Your life starts back up. And then whatever happens, depends on you.

Love is like pi - natural, irrational and very important.

That has to be the most intriguing quote about love I have ever read. But I have to admit, it is true. It's natural to love, is it not? When you meet someone, the first thought that normally follows would be acknowledging a new friend found. A new friend made. And if by luck, or by fate, or by pure human nature, your personalities match. The conversation flows like water towards the sea. How often have you realized your lost your heart after you have already lost it? Not many can booast about giving their heart away, because most times, our hearts are stolen from beneath our noses. Isn't it a natural thing to fall in love with someone who you have chemistry with? And no, I'm not talking about in the lab. I have to concur that love is very irrational. Love gives you no reason or explaination. How many times have you asked yourself why you fell in love with a person and came up blank? I know I certainly have just about a million times. I don't know about you, but I'm glad love is irrational. Everything in our lives follow logic, reasoning, common sense. I'm actually thankful there isn't something there is a direct answer to, although I have to admit, I have wanted straight answers for love before. I actually still do, but I am glad I don't have any. Where is the fun in life if everything happened in a logical sequence? No one actually needs to be told that love is important. Why? Because if love wasn't important, everyone in the world wouldn't be looking for love. I can only assume it's safe to say that sometimes, I wish we didn't need love.

Love is patient and kind, it is not jealous or proud. Love does not keep a record of wrong but delights in the truth.

Direct from the bible. It's not an exact word for word quote simply because it's 2am in the morning and I am too lazy to drag myself across the room to get the bible. Because once I touch my bed. It's good night for me until I wake up. Love is so many things. Although if you have noticed, love always appeals to the better nature in us. Patience. Kindness. Truth. and as previously mentioned. Tolerance. Forgiveness. Compromise. Maybe that is why we need love. Without love, there is nothing to appeal to our better nature. If colleagues didn't love one another, in a platonic way, everyone would be going out of their way to undermine the other person just to aid in their own personal corpate climb. If friends didn't love one another, again in a plationic way, who would we ever trust when we're in need of a listening ear when there is a high possibility of the secret being made known to the world in exchange for a favour, or even used as blackmail? If teachers didn't love their students, who would turn them from their misdeeds and then, who would run our future countries? I guess love really is important. Sure, you might argue that materialist things have a pull towards our better nature but love essentially, is suppose to be given freely. Although if there are any critics out there, against love, I'd like to hear your arguments. It's always nice to have a stimulating debate.

Is it wrong to be jealous of a girl I have never met? Is it wrong to be jealous of a girl whose going out with a guy I'm not even dating? After thinking about it for a day and a half, I'm beginning to think I'm out of my freaking mind. We're worlds apart. It's not merely a spoken truth, it's a fact and quite literal. The future is hardly bleak, it's almost non existent. I knew though, from the very beginning. Nothing could come of this. And yet now, I'm straining my eyes just to type this because, my heart isn't settled. And it will not settle until I give it what it wants. It doesn't want you, it wants me to confront you about my feelings. These feelings that are screwing me up so badly, I hardly recoginze myself anymore. I have tried to stay away, you know. Those two days were hell. Not literally, it was actually quiet peaceful those few days. I just, felt extremely restless. As I am feeling now. It always happens when I'm away from you for too long. It seems you've become my addiction. Not a strong addiction, I'm sorry. A few more days, the restlessness will cease. The thoughts of you will grow dim. I would have settled into a false sense of security because the moment the chat box opens up. My heart springs free and the feelings overwhelm me to the point of breaking. It's getting harder to keep the truth from you, but it is a must. Until I figure out what I am truly feeling. The rush of wanting to be in love again. The need to be in love again. Or simply, because I do, love you. I should be thankful, that you do not initiate any conversations between us. Except, I'm not all that thankful, not really anyway. Until I decide when the confrontation will be, my Smile, Nod, Pretend tenique with you has to hold because if this leaks out before I'm ready. The world as I know it, could literally be blown off its axis. So until then, my mystery boy, I'll just sit here and dream of you, while you dream of your dream girl. Well, I should be going now. It is almost 2.15am and I need my rest. Work is starting in about a little over 30hours and I do need all the energy I was supposedly suppose to have garnered over the long weekend. I will be back soon, hopefully. My gaming life has taken a hike, as usual when things get busy around here. I will start blogging reguarly again, as soon as my life settles down and I get back into the groove of things. But until then. I thank you for your patience. And I will see you again soon. Thank you for dropping by, and taking the time to read. Take care, and God bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

Personality Test

Good Afternoon.

So, I was blog hopping because I was extremely bored at work. Yes, I know I have work to do but currently, I just don't feel like doing any of it. I've still got tomorrow, give me a break, please! I wasn't planning on blogging actually, I only did it because I did another personality test because i was bored out of my effing mind and wanted to post it here! Well, here it is. Due to my computer's lack in ability to be of a more advanced stage, I will just copy and paste what is written. It will be easier on me and my mental health, seriously.

Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love.

Wow. That is a whole lot isn't it? I'm just going to take a moment to do the necessary font changes and then, I'll either decide to get out of here or continue blogging, just for the sake of it.

So. I take it you have read my personality test results. What do you think? I'm too tired to even try and type out what I think. It's all just a puddle of goo up there. So, I shall take my leave and come back another day when my brain is functioning!

Amanda Loves you (: she means it.

After a long hiatus.

Good Afternoon.

It's been such a long time since I last blogged. Almost a month I think. I'm not very sure and I'm too lazy to go check out exactly how long. Hahas. Many things have definitely happened since I last blogged. Ok, I'll go check for more accuracy. 10June. Wow, I didn't even blog about my birthday. Well, I'll start with that first, and try to quieten down my thoughts. They're running a mile an hour, and I'm just too lazy to catch up.

The party was awesome. I'm skipping over the, upsetting parts simply because there is no point in blogging about something unhappy, right? The cake was DELICIOUS. All thanks to Ethel x) Dinner was filling. All thanks to mummy for making the trip down. The presents were all wonderful. All thanks to everyone for thinking of me. Let me recount the presents because I still get a kick out of knowing what I got for my birthday. A bracelet, A necklace, A book, A bag of sweets, A DVD The Notebook, A Borders gift card. I watched The Notebook that very night. I haven't had the chance to wear the necklace or bracelet yet. I'm still working on the bag of sweets. The book is sitting among the rest of my books, waiting for me to reach out and take it. And I am going to get that new book from Borders as soon as I feel rich enough to buy more than one book x) I feel happier already, because I think I'm going to go home and watch The Notebook again. I'm a hopeless romantic, I know.

Since then, my life has been relatively busy between work, Fiesta and boys. Or rather, a boy. I have successfully managed to level my character for a few times, but I have been neglecting her for a while. I will get back on soon enough, as soon as I drag myself away from falling in love with the wrong boy. No one has been on Fiesta lately anyway. Jesse's busy with work, and no one wants to come keep me company on Fiesta. Not Han Feng, not even Maxie. It's upsetting really. But nevertheless, I will strive to gaining that level50! Or wait, was it level40? xP

Work got really hectic after JL left. I barely managed to pull myself away for my own birthday party on Friday. And I was swamped with work on my birthday. Now, how sad is that? But I got a present from my colleagues. A pair of earrings. And they are so PRETTY! A shoe and A carriage. Only fitting for a princess no? xP Work got slightly worse, because I was trying to cover all the bases. Maybe it was my fault for trying to take on more than I can take, but I was only partially thinking about the new girl. Broke down twice, the new girl was of hardly any help and the girl who came to take over me, I could have killed myself so I'd never have to work with her. She was nice, at first I suppose. Or maybe, it's just me. Hahas. But well, we'll never know since she left anyway. The other temp girl is leaving at the end of July. So it's just going to be me and Sharon. Sharon is the new Admin Assistant and she does her own share of work. So hopefully, between the both of us, we'll be able to cope when school starts for me. Yes, I'm going to be working for another month just to get that bonus. I've seriously thought about it and I think I do need it. Even nine hundred will be good for paying my school fees, or other bills that have to be paid. So, I've actually completed my monthly statistics. All five months which was left undone in the face of other more important work. It only took me a mere two weeks. I'm amazed at myself, and yet, I'm quite sad I don't have anymore to do. It is quite therapeutic for me to do the monthly statistics. Hahas. Well, I'm claiming time off today to go pay my UOL fees, so I should be leaving soon. Hence I decided to pop by here to blog before I left. Only another 25minutes to go! *cheers silently*

School is starting in slightly more than two weeks. I am still excited though. Even though I will only be having one class with the friends I made at the Day Camp, I'm still pretty enthuastic. I'm actually quite amazed at myself but I guess you only do get more optimistic with age. And I'm almost considered an adult, no more sulking around constantly for me! I'm starting University! XD I do hope I receive my study pack soon, so I wouldn't be left behind in any of the subjects I'm taking. Han Feng is also taking an accounting degree. But he is doing a night class. He said I could ask him if I needed help in doing Principles of Accounting. So, maybe I'll ask him if I do need help. He's single but, I don't like him. I mean, I don't really think I ever did like him in that way. I was just a lost girl looking for a boy to love her. And he was the nearest, literally. But I've wised up, and I know, you only need to love yourself. Nothing else really matters. So, I guess I'm just going to try and be happy on my own! Because I also realize I talk better to guys when I don't like them like how a girl should. Takes out all the awkward silences and the weird situations. And I'm going to be in contact with a whole lot of guys in school. So, go me! Hahas.

However, the one boy I'm currently obsessed with. I don't know. I don't know if he likes me, I don't even know if wants me to like him, I just don't seem to know anything around him. He seem to like girls with long hair, and as you know. I've recently chopped off my locks. So right now, I'm not sure if I'm keeping my hair short to spite him or if I want to. Or if I want to keep my hair long for him or for myself. I'm conflicted and I really don't know what to do. I know it isn't wrong to want to look nice for someone but doesn't how the way you look being influenced by someone else is stupid? I actually think so, thus I'm in such a dilemma. What's a girl to do? I have decided that I'm not going to tell him I like him, simply because it's crazy and when I do, it's going to get awkward and we're never going to be able to talk as per normal ever again. It's quite sad, really. And I don't want to lose him as a friday. I really don't. Well, I'm planning to take this day by day. Until I get there, we'll stay as friends.

The trip is set for next year, hopefully. We've decided in late May to early June. I'm sorry we can't go in early May because of my exams. So, hopefully it'll be all right. And that by then, we'll both have enough money to go overseas. I've been looking at flight tickets, and the range is pretty big. I'm also trying to plan how we could get from place to place, in the US. Fastest and hopefully, cheapest way. Since unfortunately, they do stay on opposite ends of the country. I've got a rough idea on how I'm gonna plan the trip but I need to run it by her first. I don't think it's fair if I decide everything. After all, we're going on this trip together. Well, I won't talk more about it because it's almost time for me to leave the office. Keep your fingers crossed for me all right? I really, really, really, really want to go.

Well, like I said, it's almost time for me to go so I should start packing up. I'll try to blog again soon. Hopefully this weekend or something. I'll be out on Saturday evening with my Orientation Group mates. I'm quite definite I'll have fun! So, I'll see you soon. Take care of yourself x) Thank you for dropping by! I'm really sorry for not updating sooner. It has been a hectic time for me, not to mention stressful. I'll be back soon!

Amanda Loves You (:

Child Development

Good Afternoon.

It has been a while, since I last wrote. I have been busy as of late. Work, Fiesta, and the other less important aspects of my life which seem to be filling up my waking hours. I haven't really had much time to do anything else, I haven't touched the Organ since about two weeks ago. All this thinking of taking my language lessons, dance lessons, seem to be very distant and unreachable. Given I only have 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week and 4 weeks in a month. With work, upcoming school and Fiesta, I don't think I have enough time to squeeze in any more lessons of any nature. Aside from the lessons, I've been thinking about my year end plans. It seems she's bent on going to the US at the end of the year. And I cannot sincerely say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind. But right now, there are indeed more pressing matters to settle like my school fees and the bills. The lessons are going to have to be put on hold. As will my other interests, unfortunately.

I still haven't been writing. I must admit that I have neglected that part of my life, I really don't think I can write anymore. Fantasies of forever after, romantic sunsets and sweet nothings seem so trivial in today's world. There are so many other things that need to be worried upon, thought about, discussed, argued about. I know the world needs hope, which only love can give. But how do you prevent yourself from fully drowning in the impossibility of forever love, in the world today? Maybe I will give them a go again, next week or when I decide to pull myself away from Fiesta. Maybe when school starts, I'll have more time on my hands to review my stories.

Child development. How do you know when you're doing the best for your child? Frankly, I don't think anyone can ever say they are an expert in child upbringing. It's just simply not possible. In my opinion anyway. I don't know what you think, neither am I attempting to try and know what your thoughts on this subject is. Unless of course, you leave a comment, after reading this. It is most welcomed (: So, back to the topic. I've noticed that there are a whole lot of new programs, classes, activities for young children nowadays. How hard really, is it to notice when I've got a younger cousin who is most probably going for at least 25% of the classes suggested by the media, institution or word of mouth? Do parents see this as helping their child develop or as putting more pressure on their child? I know many might say that it's in a way, helping your child to develop. Developing the left brain, developing the right brain, exposure to the arts, early exposure to subjects to put the child ahead of others in school. Are these really necessary? Sure, the syllabus for schools have changed drastically and expanded beyond normal requirement. Is it necessary for parents to put excessive pressure on their children to learn even more outside the bounds of the normal requirement? I admit, learning never ends. Even if you're 100 and almost dying. I don't ever want to stop learning. Because when you do, it means your brain stops working to it's full potential and you are essentially just taking up space. But when is it enough? As we go through Tertiary education, we normally tend to study outside the subject requirements. Simply because it would give us an advantage when it comes to examinations. But as children, toddlers not even of 5 yet, is studying beyond the subject requirement really necessary? How much of a pre school exam paper requires the examinees to quote other theories, or explain in abstract terms? None that I currently know of. What would I do when I eventually decide to settle down and have children? Most probably send them for classes that I've always been dying to go for. And if and when they want to stop, it will be a viable option to them. Yes, maybe that is what I will do.

I am still waiting for UOL to reply to my application. If they have not replied by tonight, I'll give them a call on Wednesday. I'm sure they will be able to tell me if they have sent out a reply or not. Nevertheless, the orientation is this coming Thursday. I'm only pretty excited to be choosing my own timetable. Hopefully, against whatever odds there are, I'll be able to get the time slots that I want x) I will update you further, when I get my reply. Hopefully I will get it soon, very soon.

My birthday is coming, I'm turning 20 soon. It's quite scary actually. I'm finally hitting my early twenties. Next up, the thirties xP I'm going to update my wishlist, so feel free to buy accordingly, if you wish. Otherwise, I'm sure you know me well enough. Nevertheless, it is always the thought that counts! Currently though, if you want to help, you can start by praying that she will be able to make it for the party. Give her a freak time table if it has to come to that, please please please. I want her there, and I don't care if she's working or if she needs the money. I am evil, I don't care.

Well, I really should get going. Off to update my wishlist, and I'll be back soon. Hopefully sooner than next week or even next month. See you soon! And thank you for dropping by!

Amanda Loves You (: