Good Morning.
Yes, it is 2am in the morning and I am still up. No, don't get excited. I wasn't up studying or doing anything time worthy. Hahas. I was just up, thinking again. It seems that no matter what you do, or how your attitude towards things are. There are some things done, or words said, that will never be fully erased from your memory. Even when you refuse to give these people the satisfaction of knowing their actions or words have affected you; they still do in some form or other. You just have to be strong enough to not show them that what they have said or done has affected you. And that in itself, is a big feat.
It's been almost 3 years since that fateful afternoon. I have gladly deleted the offending piece of garbage last year. Don't ask me what took me so long, even I cannot fathom what took me so long to delete the offending notice. But what matters is that I have deleted it. Yet, when the lights are turned down and there's no one else around but me, the words flow in the darkness like the bogey man stalking a child. Never really revealing itself, but still instills the fear and anxiety in it's target. It's not fear nor anxiety the words invoke in me. It's more of, crumbling what little self esteem I have left. Maybe it's more of the shock of how crude and uncaring a person can be in the face of a hard situation. I still like to think that because I hope I'll never be as crude or uncaring to anyone else in desperate times, then no one would do it to me. I know. The world is cruel. But I think, deep down, I don't really believe that. Everyone has to have their reasons, I don't believe anyone can be evil or bad just because they feel like it. It is virtually impossible, isn't it? Ok, so maybe I'm sounding more like a six year old child asking her parents why her pet dog died than a girl of almost twenty one whose trying to find the world's secret. Back to the point. I still am undecided if it's the shock that's causing this or the actual words that are hammering at my self esteem. I'm banking more on the words than the shock. I have definitely had my fair share of shocks before this happened. Sure, it has been almost 3 years to date, but I still remember the choice word. Pity. How pathetic do I have to be to have a guy go out with me because he pitied me? Very darn low if I have to say so myself. And frankly speaking, I wasn't even depressed at that point in time. So why is it still affecting me, you may wonder? Because if I thought I wasn't low, but someone else did. Does that trash whatever I've been thinking about myself? Or do I really not have accurate view of myself in my mind? I expected him to say he didn't love me. I expected him to say he was just on the rebound, and I was the closest thing he could rebound on. Even I, with my self esteem in tatters, could laugh at that. I know this must sound really odd, but I really have been throwing theories around in my head. No one else would do it with me because they'll just say he's a jerk off and really isn't worth my time. You may think I'm obsessing over him, but I assure you, I'm not. Frankly, I am glad we're not together anymore because I pity the girl who has to live with his mother for the rest of her natural life. I mean seriously? I bet unless you gave her a grandson, you'll never be good enough for her. Hahas. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I'm not obsessing over him, I just want to know if I do have an accurate view of myself or is my mind twisted in such a way that I can't really see myself accurately anymore? No one can tell me the answer. Maybe God can, but I'm not banking on it. There are other people out there who require him more than I do. I just wish to finally be able to maybe forget, and start building myself up again.
I was thinking about this the other day in the shower. Relationships and how properly building it's foundation can lead to various outcomes. My first example:
Two people who like each other. No one really knows for certain how deep the affection runs but, they've decided not to take the leap and just remain friends. For the simple fact that she, never remains friends with her past boyfriends. And so, she'll rather remain friends than take the plunge and see what could be.
Obviously no foundation has been built because they were too afraid of one of the possible outcomes of the relationship to even try. I know that breaking up is always a possible outcome when you jump into a relationship with someone, but letting that rule your decision to be with that person, is it really wise? Who knows, he could be the one and you'll get married and have a dozen children. Well, I know that they did value their friendship more than thinking about the what if so, maybe that was a good decision for them. But still, I do wonder about the what if. Simply because I thought they would have made an almost perfect couple.
Two people who are mildly interested in each other. Decide to get together under the pressure of their friends. Taking into account that they have only known each other for less than a few months, the relationship ends a few months later. Both parties are not talking to each other, and I suspect, don't like the other very much.
I don't know about this one though. Although I think a lack of foundation building would definitely affect the relationship? I mean, how would you know what the person wants from the relationship. Or the small quirks and habits of that person. Sure, we're not talking about living together yet, but there are other quirks and habits that easily get on each other's nerves. But how much time is enough time to build the foundations of a relationship? I can't give you an exact figure because there really is no time limit. You just have to be able to say you accept that person for who he or she is, inclusive of their habits and quirks.
I have a third scenario to present, but I would think that actually being in love with someone would not need any proper foundations to be set or made. I'm almost certain love will either blind you or give you the strength to accept the person for who he or she is. Quirks and habits included. I'll still be dreaming of that true love, but until then, this is just food for thought.
Ok, so it is about 3.30am now. I do have to be in church at 5pm for mass. I do hope I won't wake up at 4pm. Now that would be disastrous. So, I should be headed to bed soon. Till the next time I blog, or if I see you around, take care and good night.
Amanda really loves you.
