Just a thought about life.

'The quicker you quit trying to be someone else, the faster you can get started on defining yourself.'

Nope, this isn't a quote from anyone famous. Just flowed through my mind while I was in the shower. Yes, I do plenty of multitasking in the shower. Hence explains why I take a really long time in there. Though I just realized, I never do like taking quick showers. I always come out annoyed and flustered. Anyway, I don't really want to share my shower time rituals, I'm sure everyone has their own. (Yes you too, stop looking over your shoulder.) This quote is pretty accurate though, isn't it? I mean, the quicker we stop trying to make ourselves into someone we admire (or at the very least, someone we think is good to act like or model ourselves after), the faster we can start defining ourselves and who we really want to be. Our goals, aspirations, aims, wishes, desires. Some people never have the fortune of finding themselves and at the end of their lives, they just, leave this world with regrets. Of course I don't want that to happen to me although at this point in time, as my dreams get dash like foam bubbles in the rain, I think I just might end up regretting every step I take in this life.

I don't mean to be melodramatic, although I think at times, I do enjoy it a little. So often I get pegged as the quiet girl that, sometimes, I just want to be that girl everyone talks about. Okay, I admit that sounded really shallow. For the sake of not hiding who I am (because frankly, I don't think anyone even visits this blog!), I'm just going to leave that out there. Although right now, I have a feeling that if anyone stumbles on this blog, they're not going to bother about me the next time I decide to actually throw a fit. (Damn.)

I really should be studying, which I have not. Yes, I do plan to get started after this post. And I am extremely annoyed that I can no longer study with music playing, because sometimes it makes it too hard to concentrate. And I think, the fact of the matter is that I think better when I'm singing, or at least listening to music that mean something (not just loud music banging away like it's the start of the metal age. I'm not dissing anyone, I just really get a headache with all those loud music, although I do enjoy Linkin Park.) Well, having said that, I think I will try to study with music tonight. I know I need all the motivation I can get when trying to study Management Accounting. I mean, at this point in time, I don't even know if I can answer ONE question in the examination paper. It's like, I'm so lost (about what I'm studying, although I have studied and well, the panic IS setting in.) and as I said, the panic IS starting to set it. Which really isn't good, at all.


Sometimes, I hate that my mind drifts. It floats here, and there and it just refuses to do or concentrate on what it is suppose to do! Sometimes, I think that the children at my centre are lucky in the sense that they can, digress or at least meander away from what they're suppose to be concentrating on without much of an impact or consequence. Having said that, this obviously does not apply to students who are taking their PSLE or the final 'O' levels. Though they do have me (and the other teachers, of course) to give them that 'stare' and say, "quick, do your work!" or "come on! Concentrate on your work." My mind keeps going back to writing. Although I really doubt I'd ever get anywhere. I mean, really, who am I trying to kid. I don't even think my English skills is that high to boast about. Though I still write, because, I suppose practice does make someone better at what they're doing (even if it doesn't make you perfect at what you're trying to do.) That, and I don't think I could get rid of all the plot bunnies running around in my head who continuously hump each other so more plot bunnies are being born. Okay, I'm sorry if that gave you a bad image but, I'm just saying.

What else do I want to do? I want to read, that's what I want to do! I want to be able to lie in bed, on a Saturday night and just read from 9 till 12 and then snuggle under the covers and go to sleep. I want to be able to curl up with a book for long hours, snug under my blanket and maybe, if I'm feeling thirsty, make myself a cup of hot chocolate. The only books or articles I read now are related to what I'm studying (not that I'm complaining, because they are helpful, in a sense.) and I can't snuggle under the bed because I need to make my own notes at the side. I can't slowly let my eyes roam the page and let my imagination run wild because really, how much more can you imagine about a management article? The board of directors all locked in a conference room (did I mention that they were cute?), discussing policies they want to implement, why they want to implement them and the possible final results they may achieve from implementing these policies? I didn't think so. So for now, I'll probably grit and bear it but once 20th May rolls around (and I'm done rebuking myself for not studying harder, I do it even if I did put in all my effort, although, I don't personally feel like I ever do. Yes, I'm a weird girl.) I'm going to have a book glued to my hand every week. I'm going to read ALL the books that I've recently (and not so recently, well, more not so recently because I HAVE NOT GONE SHOPPING! Well, since Chinese New Year anyway.) bought and maybe, just maybe, I'll re-read the Twilight Sage. Just for the fun of it. Well, and also for Edward Cullen maybe. Not to mention, I'd watch New Moon and Eclipse for Jacob, because (I'm sorry to say!) Edward IS too frown-y.

Talking about movies, I will also spend a majority of my time watching movies that I have not been able to watch. You might be wondering where I'm going to find all this time and guess what? I'm exactly in step with you on this thought. Everyone's saying I should start sending out resumes now, start planning my career. Would it sound really good for nothing-ish for me to say that I really don't care? Okay, not that extreme that I don't care because obviously I care about when I'm going to be able to help mum around the house and all that. I just, don't want to think about it right now. Well, I don't even know if I want to think about it then because, I personally feel that I suck so badly in my studies, that no one (although I seriously hope this isn't true) would even want to hire me! Of course, I'm talking about the profession that I'm suppose to be entering and not just any other job because I highly doubt I'm as undesirable for a job as I made myself out to seem. It's not just that I want to put this off as long as I can but I really do wish that I could take that 3 month break from work and just, waste my life away. Just for that three months. Yes, I'm insanely jealous when I look at the Facebook pictures of when people travel overseas. Despite the fact that I've been working since I started school and before that, I have no savings to boast about seeing as how I'm knee (possibly higher than the knee) deep in debts. I'm not joking when I say that if (yes, if and when) I get married, I'm starting an account if my husband ever decides he wants children. There are some things that children do not need to worry about, even if they are of age. I think I will remain with this job for a while now. If I'm extremely lucky, my pay will be increased before I actually stop working. That way, I'd be able to quickly repay the debts and well, start to save up for something special.

I know there are some people who are comfortable in crowds. While there are others who are comfortable just with a small group of friends. Though I find, I am most comfortable when I'm on my own. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. For the reasons that I'm terrified of being left out and realizing one day that, there's absolutely no one I can call to just hang out, or catch that latest movie or, even to ask for help. Most of the things I've mentioned above that I want to do, most of them are done independently. Sure, you can sit with someone and read (Yes, that is what I want to do someday, with that special someone) but I don't know. I like being on my own sometimes where I can sing without wondering if I sound really off key and awful. I don't know, some days I'm so afraid of ending up on my own. While on other (better, obviously) days, I feel like I'm meant to be on my own and I should just resign to my fate and not, hope for things that aren't meant to be. Seriously speaking, I don't know why I've been feeling this so much these few days. Maybe it's people around me talking about getting married, going out and finding a partner to spend your life with. Just today, I heard someone say that you need to fight for your happiness but, if you continuously seek for your happiness, can you really find it? Or should you wait for it to come to you? They say that when you fall in love, with the one that's meant to be, it'd be different from all the other times you think you've been in love. The only time I've ever felt that, was for a guy that didn't make me so crazy like all the rest did. He made me smile, he made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Then, I suppose dreams don't always care about what's going on right now to make an appearance. How could I hold it against someone for chasing their dream? I just wish it didn't mean that it was going to have to end. (Though, maybe it was my fault to a certain degree.) No, I'm not upset or angry because truth be told, I was really glad for that time. Because it made me feel that, maybe I was worth someone's time. That there was a possibility that I could be happy without trying to please someone else to love me. Ah well, what will be, will be right?

So, I think I should log off and get started on my Management Accounting revision. I've great plans, I just need to put them into action. And maybe, at the end of my life, I wouldn't regret as much as I would if I did not carry out every task with everything that I have. I probably won't be on for the next few days because guess what? It's preliminary week! Weeks to be exact since I've got examinations spanning two weeks. Well, I shall try my best and we shall see what happens! Until after my examinations, take care and I'll be back!