Those special moments in our lives we forget so easily.

Every year, I think as I sit in church during the Good Friday service, the same conversation I have with myself replays itself. I always think, it's another year. It's another 365 days. Everyone has changed and yet, everything still feels the same. Like we do not feel the time passing. Sure, everyone may wear something different. Everyone might have a new hair style. Some people might have put on weight, some might have lost theirs. And yet, it feels like it's still exactly the same, yet different.

I didn't have any hopes this year. I think, after a while, of being let down by the people who you thought you could trust, just makes a girl lose hope. I think, even when I was younger, I had always had this secret dream to be part of a small community. Where everyone knew everyone else. Where we'd all go for Sunday service together and later, the children would hang out with the adults sat around and gossiped or had tea (or breakfast). I mean, I've given my characters the taste of the small town life. Friends you've known from birth. Best friends who has been with you through the years. People who you know, on some instinctive level, you can trust. Although yes, there would always be that odd ball. Or someone who didn't fit in. I suppose, I didn't factor into my dream that I would be that individual. There might have been things I would have done differently. Like for example, not think that any child below the age of 14 could possibly know what it means to love someone. Or maybe for moving on from being scorned and realize sooner that maybe, it was only the secret voices that made me doubt myself and that all along, I didn't need to prove myself to you or to anyone else. And there are definitely things I wouldn't do any different because it was through my actions that I've found out for myself, who I can trust and who I can count on to have my back if the need ever arises. Though sometimes, I do admit that I may do things that stem from the need to be wanted, to be included, to belong. And sometimes, I do these things because I want to. Because I feel that very so often, we don't appreciate the people around us enough. We don't take time out to just smile or say hello. Or to tell them that what they are doing, is being appreciated. Or even that someone has thought about them today. There have been times when I feel like I should be doing more, giving more and then, I realize that if these people only look to me when I've got something of a benefit for them, are they really worth making that effort on my part to tell them that someone has thought of them (or is thinking of them)? Yes, I'm a catholic and yes, I will be kind to them, I will be nice to them, I will greet them or smile at them without malice or looking for the next opportunity to shame them. But given the fact that the efforts I've made require some form of monetary contribution that I'm currently working my ass off to fund, I think I'd stick to showing the people whom I think are worth the effort I am making to make feel like they are appreciated, or thought of.

It's only 11 days until my first paper and yet, I don't think I'm ready for it. Yes, I've been delaying my revision because I really detest all this pressure. I've never, or at least I don't remember, ever being this nervous, worried, afraid of what is to come. I think this is the first year I'm so deathly afraid that when I flip over the paper, I would have no clue how to answer ANY of the questions. Yes, I can tell that I'm starting down that panic mode road and I'm trying to steer myself off it. Because the longer I remain on this path, the less time I'd have to study. With that being said, I think I should hop into bed now and hope I wake up early tomorrow to shower and go to work. After which, I will come home and study. Until the next time. All my love.

Wonders of Family

A normal conversation in the car goes something like this...
Mummy: Wow. The moon's so bright and round.
Me: *leans forward and looks out the windshield* *thinks to herself, the moon isn't even out tonight'*
Mummy: It's on my side.
Me: Oh.
Mummy: It's beside me.
Me: Okay.
Mummy: It's following me home.
*silence*
Me: You'd need a bigger house.
Mummy: No, it can just follow me until it's above the block.
Me: Er, okay.
Mummy: If it was in the house, it'd break all the walls and my furniture.
Me: Uh huh, you think?
Mummy: Then there will be no moon.
Me: There will still be a moon, it'd be in our house. The world just wouldn't have a moon.
Mummy: Then, there will be no moon light.
Me: Right, but that's okay cause every major city in the world has some form of constant light sources.
Mummy: I didn't say the world would be in darkness, just that there wouldn't be moon light.
Me: Right. I don't think it would affect anyone that badly.
Mummy: Werewolves might not like it.
Me: I don't think they would mind. Especially if they think they're monsters.
Mummy: But maybe they like being werewolves. They're powerful.
Me: Yeah, but who likes eating their food raw?
Mummy: Some people live to eat fresh meat like cannibals.
Me: They don't eat their food raw! They like to boil them before eating.
Mummy: No, I'm sure they like it dripping with blood.
Me: *makes a disgusted face* you didn't have to put it like THAT.

So yupp. Sometimes, when you think your family stinks or really sucks or all that. Think of the fun and weird times you've had with them. Everyone has a unique family. Some just learn to appreciate them more than others.

Until next time! (I really SHOULD be studying.)

Revelations.

So, I had a revelation today. No one actually reads my blog. Or if anyone does (if you're reading this right now), I'd just like to say thank you. Although that's mostly a moot point since you wouldn't respond to my 'thank you', now would you? It kind of came up in conversation with my mother. Although I don't think I'm ready to stop this yet. I mean, it is pretty eye opening for myself when I look back on previous posts and wonder how I felt then. I still have my old blogs, if you are wondering. And I could sit up till odd hours in the morning, even forgoing sleep, just to immerse myself in who I used to be. I hope I'm still am, at least a little like the girl I used to be. Though I must admit, I'm slightly happier, slightly less depressed. And maybe it IS because I've grown up, after all, I already am in my early twenties when there was once a time I remembered, I never thought I'd outlive any of my friends, or even my elders. Ah, the old days.

Everything, well, almost everything has been going downhill since the 3rd of April. I have to admit I had some bout of fun between then and now, but most of it, most of the frustrating, excruciating, upsetting parts just, remain for so much longer. And for once, just this once, I hate the fact that my mind can recall everything with such clarity. The colours, the emotions, the little gestures, the words. The words are always the worse. It's bad enough that I have to listen to myself stumble through explaining my emotions, thoughts and feelings. But to have to go through that in what feels like real time feed? It makes me want to scream, want to hit myself for the inability to express myself and I can still feel my face heating up, my imaginary hand slapping myself in the face, I have it when everything goes wrong while all eyes are on me.

The worst study week I'd have to say would be last week. It was just the start of my revision and just the first day back and I was already ready as hell to get out. I'm not going to go into detail about what happened because, I'd just feel silly and I think, given the fact that I'm no longer angry and I probably couldn't stay angry for more than I had that day, there's no need to further expand on what had happened. Let's just say, I realized that I give more space to people I consider friends to make me feel like I'm worthless. Although, I don't know, maybe it's just me and my insecurities but, actions do speak louder than words and fleeting moments of feeling like you're being included, right?

And that shitting week, paved the way into the study week from hell. Monday thru Sunday of classes. Of course, not forgetting I have Tuesday AND Thursday free. Though I did have work on both of that days. But I love work, so I don't think it's counted as work. Anyway, I just ended the study week from hell. I must admit though, the ADUIT revision class did turn out to be much more useful than when it first started on Saturday. Okay, I'm going out on a limb here and say that I actually felt most of my classes was useful. Especially in pulling everything together. Sometimes, I wish they started with this big picture, before they started filling in the gaps for us. Although, I doubt that would be as an effective study method as what is being done now. Or maybe, just mayber, we need more lessons. Maybe twice a week? I'm sure that WILL cut into our slacking off school time but, I think I might feel better if I was more secure in knowing I'd be able to pass my exam rather than have free time to slack my life away during the school year? I don't know, I think it will be a tough proposal to put to semi adults who just want to have fun. I admit, I think I might have a hard time convincing myself to sign the petition as well. I spent the last two hours trying to wind myself down because I'm so keyed up about the exams that I was starting to try and recall everything I've learnt this year and realize that I could only recall half the things I've studied. Hence I've taken to watching cartoons to rest for a bit, and start tomorrow. Although I must hurry to bed otherwise I might have a problem getting up tomorrow. And that wouldn't be a good thing.

I think I may have screwed up a friendship with a close friend. (I'm just putting it out there.) I texted her the following day and she said it was okay. I think she meant it because, well, she's always been the kind of let things go, you know? But I don't know. I mean, I'd feel awful if my friend, a close friend, told me that she doesn't like my partner and that she doesn't trust him. And I don't know. I mean, I did something that I've tried so hard to stop myself from doing. Forming my own judgments based on the opinions of others and without actually meeting or getting to know the person first. I admit, maybe when your friend gets hurt, it's an automatic reaction to label everything that causes pain as evil, or bad. And I don't know. I mean, I am sorry but, I don't know if I'm able to erase my own judgment and get to know the person. I should, yes, but how often can we do what we should do? As of now, I've had two versions of the girl. Well, three including the one I've formed based on reading her blog. I mean, someone's blog, which they've kept up for quite a while, should at least tell us something about the blogger right? All three versions, don't even come close to one another. Well, two of them do (I'm not telling you which ones, obviously) and one of them just, sounds so far out although I can see how bits of that would come up in another version. I don't know if it is just my unwillingness to accept it or if it is my gut being a bitch and refusing to tell me that I'm right in my emotions instead of leaving me to fuss and worry about it until I'm losing sleep. I am obviously not talking to anyone else about this (aside from you, silent reader) because I don't know what to do. I understand that everyone else can only give me suggestions and the final action as to be taken by me. And well, the action I want to take, feels right and yet so wrong at the same time. And I strongly detest when situations like that happen. As of now, I'm just ignoring the problem because by constantly trying to think about the problem, it makes me want to be impulsive and just, cut everything loose. I'd lose the two people I love whom I don't really want to let go off, although there is one thing I have come to grips since all this started. Nothing is ever going to be the same again, or at least not in my near future.

It is just fifteen minutes past eleven. I should've been in bed by ten, so I would have fallen asleep at eleven. Yes, it takes me an hour to fall asleep. That is evidence of how active my mind is. It refuses to let me sleep, and when it does (if I'm not sufficiently tired) it'd conjuire up dreams to liven up my dream life. And his face still eludes me. I think, I don't think he is a person, per say. He's just, what I want in a guy. He knows the right things to say, the right things to do. I think it's silly to say that I'm falling in love with a fantasy, but I think that is about right. There are days I sit and think, and I don't think I'd ever be with anyone. Obviously because I'm such an idiot and have too high standards and that I don't think I'm ever good enough for anyone and my second guesses can send any boy/man running for the hills, not that it hasn't before. And obviously I'm off the deep end. I think I'd be happy on my own. Sure, some friends who I have been bugging the past few weeks may find me annoying after a while but, I'm sure I'll get better as time passes, ha!

I really should go to bed. I am determined to start studying tomorrow. My little countdown table is already saying I have less than a month until my first exam. ISORG. I sincerely hope I don't fail. So, I need to study, really study. No trying to fake my way through. I tried that in the prelim and I got a barely there mark. I need at least, I don't know, fifty? Well, enough talking about grades. Thank you for dropping by to read my ranting. I need to start writing again. I think that will have to take a back seat until after my exams. Until then.