The worst part about being a person who expresses themselves best in writing is when the words start to fail you. I would be much more comfortable typing this out on a keyboard (and I'm sure the words may come easier too) but alas, we have to make do with what we have and what we can do. I just spent the better part of the last hour scrolling through my blog to find the goodbye story I wrote for him, then proceeded to read it and felt the threads holding my heart together start to unravel. That was only knowing him for 5 years and now, it's been 14 years.
I've known him for half my life, can you imagine? I'm not terribly old, and it doesn't feel like it's been that long but, numbers never lie. I don't think I've ever made a good decision when it came to what my heart wanted. I wrote my goodbye in 2007, and now it's 2016, yet my heart is still breaking and I'm not sure what to do.
I don't think I've ever been that girl who knew what she wanted and went after it. I was always marginally content with what I had and tried to make as many people as happy as I possibly could. Majority of the friendships I've had in my adolescence are already distant memories of the past. I still haven't decided if I was the problem or I just wasn't what they were looking for. Although in this case, I suppose it was plain to see that nothing would have ever happened anyway, even if I was a girl in control of her heart and pursued what she wanted.
I can't decide if the hopelessness of the situation is supposed to make me feel better. After all, nothing I could have done would have resulted in a different outcome today.
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl
In the end though, she was the girl he loved and he chose her. Life's not a fairytale, life's not a musical. And yet, my heart is not yet hardened to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore. You can't wish pain away, because the pain you feel makes you stop. Stop hurting yourself and stop putting yourself in further danger. The pain also makes you cry, so that when you're done, you can take a deep breath and move forward.
Will time ever heal a wound 14 years in the making? The better question would be: how long will it take to heal a wound 14 years in the making? I'm not even sure if the weapon has been removed or it's just sticking out of the wound, preventing the body from closing the wound. Ignoring the wound is not even an option, because how much further can you actually go when the longer your heart hurts, the more you're tempted to give in and stop moving forward?
It's almost twelve and I feel my heart healing a bit just by typing this out. It does seem talking about it is some what therapeutic. I don't think the pain will disappear overnight, and I'm certain I'm not able to lock the memories away in the depths of my mind never to haunt me again. What I know is that I have to pull out this weapon, sticking out of my heart, and maybe cry for a few weeks. And maybe one day, walk out into the sunshine and trust that I will be all right, some day.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Until next time, be kind to one another. ~Amanda
