What a week.

It seems I always end up here when it's been a particularly tiring or straining week. Well, the week hasn't ended yet but it's been crazy. More than crazy if that is even possible. It feels like I should not have got out of bed this Monday, or maybe I should not have gone to bed on Sunday. It's like, maybe there was something I could've done that might delay this week. I don't know if it's bound to happen but, maybe I'd like to try everything in my power to delay it, even for a few days. I don't really know any other way to put it.
Monday sucked.
Tuesday sucked.
Wednesday sucked.
Thursday sucked, just a little bit less.
Friday sucks.
I'm going out on a limb here when I say that Saturday and Sunday, aren't going to be any different. I really want to know what's wrong and yet, I think part of me isn't bothered. I mean, if there isn't going to be anything that I can do to change the past, what's the point of finding out what's wrong right? It's like finding out that your closest friend sold you to the slave market, but you can't do anything about it because you're already a slave and no one's going to do anything to change that. Okay, I must say that actually made me smile. I'm always a mess because my two sides never agree. Well, of course they agree when it's in their interest but most often, they want to take two roads and I'm always in a dilemma. So, maybe I'll just try keeping myself afloat because it's taking so much effort I would like to just, give up and let the sea swallow me up.

Nothing but memories live forever.

It's the eve of voting day here and yet, there are more pressing issues on my mind. The past week has been an intense one. It marked both the beginning of my examination week, my last examination period for quite some time (if I have anything to say about it), and the ending of a wonderful, 11 or maybe it has only been 10 years. I must admit that I find myself now, much calmer, less emotional than I was just mere 24 hours ago. No, I don't think you'll find much of me ranting or raving about my out-of-control emotions. I've spent my emotional anger else where, where I had someone who held me (even if not physically) as I laid myself bare.

Maybe I still am a little upset at the turn of events. Upset about the first event that started this chain of events. I know it had been weighing on my mind ever since, well, I can't pinpoint an exact time when it was fed into my consciousness. I just knew that this couldn't, wouldn't last forever. That everything had to come to an end one day. Maybe I'm upset over the timing and yet, how can I be upset about the timing? Is there ever a proper or convenient time to put someone you love out of their misery? Granted I can't say if he is miserable, I just wish, maybe that I had more time with him. More time to just sit and stroke him, or maybe more time to talk to him like how I used to. Maybe I'm angry at myself for growing up, for forgetting about him.

I hadn't shed a tear all day, thinking that maybe I've exhausted my tear ducts yesterday night. Yet now, the tears come and I can't stop them. Well, I don't need to stop them. The ache is gone though, it's just the knowledge that he's not going to be there the next time I find someone special. Or when it's late at night and no one's at home, and he rubs against me just to let me know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm moving through the grieving process, slowly but surely.

It's hard to wonder if this happen, to make us stronger. Because I'd willingly be weak than to grow this way. I don't know what else I'd rather endure than this. We never really know what we can endure until we actually experience it. Just 24 hours ago, I thought I wouldn't get through this. That it would, might be an impossible task. And then, I sit here now, thinking and the ache isn't there. It's like a healed wound that tingles when you run your finger over it. Emotional scars aren't all that different from our physical ones. They all leave a scar but they do heal and eventually, we will be able to look back on them with a smile and be thankful for the lessons it taught us and the growth it's made us endure.

I don't know if I have the ability or strength to write a story for him like I did two years ago. Maybe I will do it after my examinations end, so I at least am able to write something that is close to my heart and not something that is rushed through while at the back of my mind, I'm wondering if I'm taking too long and how it will affect the time I have left to study. Maybe this will even push me to finish my stories. There is always a silver lining to any unfortunate incident. Maybe that is how we are suppose to grow, by looking for the silver lining and growing to accept.

I should go to bed now, because I have work tomorrow. I still have plenty of work to revise but I will be taking tomorrow evening off. I'm hoping no one will be home to witness my unglamorous falling apart. Maybe the tears will heal the wound and it will be a bright day on Monday.

You will always be loved Pharaoh, and you will always have a place in my heart.

Late night musings.

It's always the case that I can never get to bed on time if I need to be up early the next morning. However, if I have absolutely nothing lined up for the next day or I just feel lazy, I can be in bed at about 10pm! Sometimes, it's these wonders in life that just keep us wondering.

It's almost one am and for the life of me, I have no idea why I'm still here instead of snuggled under the covers and sleeping! The physical confirmation of my up coming examinations came in the mail today. It's like, even after paying my examination fees in January, the preliminary papers during March or even these few weeks of intense revision, and the fact that my examinations are looming just right around the corner didn't really sink in until I slit open the envelope. Or maybe, it did and I'm just trying to kid myself. That aside, I've never really been this worried before. It's like, I'm so worried I'm all ready to give up! That's my panic speaking but sometimes, it's so hard to turn a deaf ear and just continue working onwards especially when you come to an obstacle that just makes you rethink your decision. Every time I think about life, in general, I always remember that deaf frog. That kept on hopping until he reached the very peak of the mountain. No, I can't remember what he was actually hopping to the top for but only that he made it. When no other frog could, what no one thought a frog could do. All because he was deaf, and couldn't hear what everyone else was saying. All the whispers in the wind of how it was impossible. The whispers of how others before have failed so miserably. The whispers of how if someone so great couldn't do it, what made a mere lowly frog like him think he could do it? Maybe there are times in life when we need to turn a deaf ear. A deaf ear to the not so encouraging comments. The comments that make us doubt ourselves. The comments that make us think twice about what we are about to embark upon. The comments that plant that seed of doubt in our souls.

In every point of our lives, we always get asked this one question. What do you want to do? As a child, we've thought of the people we've heard of who have done wonderful things. Like walk on the moon, or flying an aircraft. Or of those whom we look up to, a teacher, a mother, a father. Or people who have done brave things, a firefighter, a policeman. Then, I suppose we all at one point or rather go through the 'I just want to be a bum' phase. I know I did. I think I still do but I'm trying to work myself out of that phase. We just want to stay home all day, doing the mindless things we love and just, not having to have any responsibilities. And as we grow up even more, we're forced to really think about our future. Especially when other people around you are achieving their milestones. More often than not, I think, I fall into my own thoughts of the people around me. What's happening in the world today, and what others are achieving for themselves. I can't say I've regretted anything I've done that have led me to where I am today. I don't wish I had got better marks for my 'O' Levels because it was always a dream to studying in that Junior College. Although the experience didn't turn out as well as I had hoped, I still don't regret it because, I did have some fun times there. Some people I've met there, that although I don't keep in close contact with, I still cherish for the memories they've given me. The choices I took to put my studying on hold, the jobs I decided to take, the courses and school I decided to further my studies in. It's like, there are times (I won't deny it) where I wish I had dome just something, one thing, any thing differently. Then, I wonder about how my life could have been different. How I might have missed meeting some of the people I've met. I think I do believe a little in fate, meaning there are people in our lives who will be in our lives regardless of the choices we have made. Though I think, the choices that we make, shape the way we meet these people and that in itself shapes the friendships and relationships we form with them. I don't really regret much of my life until now. It's just that sometimes, I wish I had more drive. Or maybe I haven't found that one thing that I'm willing to go the distance for. Or maybe, I just need a new spark in life. Some thing that can maybe point me in the right direction because every direction I turn in now, is just a dark path leading into darkness.

Well, I should be going to bed. I suppose I will be back soon. I think I need to let off more, feelings. Things are going right, things are going wrong and everything is happening so quickly, I don't even have time to catch my breath. Thank you for reading and, I'll be back soon.

Those special moments in our lives we forget so easily.

Every year, I think as I sit in church during the Good Friday service, the same conversation I have with myself replays itself. I always think, it's another year. It's another 365 days. Everyone has changed and yet, everything still feels the same. Like we do not feel the time passing. Sure, everyone may wear something different. Everyone might have a new hair style. Some people might have put on weight, some might have lost theirs. And yet, it feels like it's still exactly the same, yet different.

I didn't have any hopes this year. I think, after a while, of being let down by the people who you thought you could trust, just makes a girl lose hope. I think, even when I was younger, I had always had this secret dream to be part of a small community. Where everyone knew everyone else. Where we'd all go for Sunday service together and later, the children would hang out with the adults sat around and gossiped or had tea (or breakfast). I mean, I've given my characters the taste of the small town life. Friends you've known from birth. Best friends who has been with you through the years. People who you know, on some instinctive level, you can trust. Although yes, there would always be that odd ball. Or someone who didn't fit in. I suppose, I didn't factor into my dream that I would be that individual. There might have been things I would have done differently. Like for example, not think that any child below the age of 14 could possibly know what it means to love someone. Or maybe for moving on from being scorned and realize sooner that maybe, it was only the secret voices that made me doubt myself and that all along, I didn't need to prove myself to you or to anyone else. And there are definitely things I wouldn't do any different because it was through my actions that I've found out for myself, who I can trust and who I can count on to have my back if the need ever arises. Though sometimes, I do admit that I may do things that stem from the need to be wanted, to be included, to belong. And sometimes, I do these things because I want to. Because I feel that very so often, we don't appreciate the people around us enough. We don't take time out to just smile or say hello. Or to tell them that what they are doing, is being appreciated. Or even that someone has thought about them today. There have been times when I feel like I should be doing more, giving more and then, I realize that if these people only look to me when I've got something of a benefit for them, are they really worth making that effort on my part to tell them that someone has thought of them (or is thinking of them)? Yes, I'm a catholic and yes, I will be kind to them, I will be nice to them, I will greet them or smile at them without malice or looking for the next opportunity to shame them. But given the fact that the efforts I've made require some form of monetary contribution that I'm currently working my ass off to fund, I think I'd stick to showing the people whom I think are worth the effort I am making to make feel like they are appreciated, or thought of.

It's only 11 days until my first paper and yet, I don't think I'm ready for it. Yes, I've been delaying my revision because I really detest all this pressure. I've never, or at least I don't remember, ever being this nervous, worried, afraid of what is to come. I think this is the first year I'm so deathly afraid that when I flip over the paper, I would have no clue how to answer ANY of the questions. Yes, I can tell that I'm starting down that panic mode road and I'm trying to steer myself off it. Because the longer I remain on this path, the less time I'd have to study. With that being said, I think I should hop into bed now and hope I wake up early tomorrow to shower and go to work. After which, I will come home and study. Until the next time. All my love.

Wonders of Family

A normal conversation in the car goes something like this...
Mummy: Wow. The moon's so bright and round.
Me: *leans forward and looks out the windshield* *thinks to herself, the moon isn't even out tonight'*
Mummy: It's on my side.
Me: Oh.
Mummy: It's beside me.
Me: Okay.
Mummy: It's following me home.
*silence*
Me: You'd need a bigger house.
Mummy: No, it can just follow me until it's above the block.
Me: Er, okay.
Mummy: If it was in the house, it'd break all the walls and my furniture.
Me: Uh huh, you think?
Mummy: Then there will be no moon.
Me: There will still be a moon, it'd be in our house. The world just wouldn't have a moon.
Mummy: Then, there will be no moon light.
Me: Right, but that's okay cause every major city in the world has some form of constant light sources.
Mummy: I didn't say the world would be in darkness, just that there wouldn't be moon light.
Me: Right. I don't think it would affect anyone that badly.
Mummy: Werewolves might not like it.
Me: I don't think they would mind. Especially if they think they're monsters.
Mummy: But maybe they like being werewolves. They're powerful.
Me: Yeah, but who likes eating their food raw?
Mummy: Some people live to eat fresh meat like cannibals.
Me: They don't eat their food raw! They like to boil them before eating.
Mummy: No, I'm sure they like it dripping with blood.
Me: *makes a disgusted face* you didn't have to put it like THAT.

So yupp. Sometimes, when you think your family stinks or really sucks or all that. Think of the fun and weird times you've had with them. Everyone has a unique family. Some just learn to appreciate them more than others.

Until next time! (I really SHOULD be studying.)

Revelations.

So, I had a revelation today. No one actually reads my blog. Or if anyone does (if you're reading this right now), I'd just like to say thank you. Although that's mostly a moot point since you wouldn't respond to my 'thank you', now would you? It kind of came up in conversation with my mother. Although I don't think I'm ready to stop this yet. I mean, it is pretty eye opening for myself when I look back on previous posts and wonder how I felt then. I still have my old blogs, if you are wondering. And I could sit up till odd hours in the morning, even forgoing sleep, just to immerse myself in who I used to be. I hope I'm still am, at least a little like the girl I used to be. Though I must admit, I'm slightly happier, slightly less depressed. And maybe it IS because I've grown up, after all, I already am in my early twenties when there was once a time I remembered, I never thought I'd outlive any of my friends, or even my elders. Ah, the old days.

Everything, well, almost everything has been going downhill since the 3rd of April. I have to admit I had some bout of fun between then and now, but most of it, most of the frustrating, excruciating, upsetting parts just, remain for so much longer. And for once, just this once, I hate the fact that my mind can recall everything with such clarity. The colours, the emotions, the little gestures, the words. The words are always the worse. It's bad enough that I have to listen to myself stumble through explaining my emotions, thoughts and feelings. But to have to go through that in what feels like real time feed? It makes me want to scream, want to hit myself for the inability to express myself and I can still feel my face heating up, my imaginary hand slapping myself in the face, I have it when everything goes wrong while all eyes are on me.

The worst study week I'd have to say would be last week. It was just the start of my revision and just the first day back and I was already ready as hell to get out. I'm not going to go into detail about what happened because, I'd just feel silly and I think, given the fact that I'm no longer angry and I probably couldn't stay angry for more than I had that day, there's no need to further expand on what had happened. Let's just say, I realized that I give more space to people I consider friends to make me feel like I'm worthless. Although, I don't know, maybe it's just me and my insecurities but, actions do speak louder than words and fleeting moments of feeling like you're being included, right?

And that shitting week, paved the way into the study week from hell. Monday thru Sunday of classes. Of course, not forgetting I have Tuesday AND Thursday free. Though I did have work on both of that days. But I love work, so I don't think it's counted as work. Anyway, I just ended the study week from hell. I must admit though, the ADUIT revision class did turn out to be much more useful than when it first started on Saturday. Okay, I'm going out on a limb here and say that I actually felt most of my classes was useful. Especially in pulling everything together. Sometimes, I wish they started with this big picture, before they started filling in the gaps for us. Although, I doubt that would be as an effective study method as what is being done now. Or maybe, just mayber, we need more lessons. Maybe twice a week? I'm sure that WILL cut into our slacking off school time but, I think I might feel better if I was more secure in knowing I'd be able to pass my exam rather than have free time to slack my life away during the school year? I don't know, I think it will be a tough proposal to put to semi adults who just want to have fun. I admit, I think I might have a hard time convincing myself to sign the petition as well. I spent the last two hours trying to wind myself down because I'm so keyed up about the exams that I was starting to try and recall everything I've learnt this year and realize that I could only recall half the things I've studied. Hence I've taken to watching cartoons to rest for a bit, and start tomorrow. Although I must hurry to bed otherwise I might have a problem getting up tomorrow. And that wouldn't be a good thing.

I think I may have screwed up a friendship with a close friend. (I'm just putting it out there.) I texted her the following day and she said it was okay. I think she meant it because, well, she's always been the kind of let things go, you know? But I don't know. I mean, I'd feel awful if my friend, a close friend, told me that she doesn't like my partner and that she doesn't trust him. And I don't know. I mean, I did something that I've tried so hard to stop myself from doing. Forming my own judgments based on the opinions of others and without actually meeting or getting to know the person first. I admit, maybe when your friend gets hurt, it's an automatic reaction to label everything that causes pain as evil, or bad. And I don't know. I mean, I am sorry but, I don't know if I'm able to erase my own judgment and get to know the person. I should, yes, but how often can we do what we should do? As of now, I've had two versions of the girl. Well, three including the one I've formed based on reading her blog. I mean, someone's blog, which they've kept up for quite a while, should at least tell us something about the blogger right? All three versions, don't even come close to one another. Well, two of them do (I'm not telling you which ones, obviously) and one of them just, sounds so far out although I can see how bits of that would come up in another version. I don't know if it is just my unwillingness to accept it or if it is my gut being a bitch and refusing to tell me that I'm right in my emotions instead of leaving me to fuss and worry about it until I'm losing sleep. I am obviously not talking to anyone else about this (aside from you, silent reader) because I don't know what to do. I understand that everyone else can only give me suggestions and the final action as to be taken by me. And well, the action I want to take, feels right and yet so wrong at the same time. And I strongly detest when situations like that happen. As of now, I'm just ignoring the problem because by constantly trying to think about the problem, it makes me want to be impulsive and just, cut everything loose. I'd lose the two people I love whom I don't really want to let go off, although there is one thing I have come to grips since all this started. Nothing is ever going to be the same again, or at least not in my near future.

It is just fifteen minutes past eleven. I should've been in bed by ten, so I would have fallen asleep at eleven. Yes, it takes me an hour to fall asleep. That is evidence of how active my mind is. It refuses to let me sleep, and when it does (if I'm not sufficiently tired) it'd conjuire up dreams to liven up my dream life. And his face still eludes me. I think, I don't think he is a person, per say. He's just, what I want in a guy. He knows the right things to say, the right things to do. I think it's silly to say that I'm falling in love with a fantasy, but I think that is about right. There are days I sit and think, and I don't think I'd ever be with anyone. Obviously because I'm such an idiot and have too high standards and that I don't think I'm ever good enough for anyone and my second guesses can send any boy/man running for the hills, not that it hasn't before. And obviously I'm off the deep end. I think I'd be happy on my own. Sure, some friends who I have been bugging the past few weeks may find me annoying after a while but, I'm sure I'll get better as time passes, ha!

I really should go to bed. I am determined to start studying tomorrow. My little countdown table is already saying I have less than a month until my first exam. ISORG. I sincerely hope I don't fail. So, I need to study, really study. No trying to fake my way through. I tried that in the prelim and I got a barely there mark. I need at least, I don't know, fifty? Well, enough talking about grades. Thank you for dropping by to read my ranting. I need to start writing again. I think that will have to take a back seat until after my exams. Until then.

Just a blink.

Wow. A blink of an eye and it's already the 3rd of April! Plenty of interesting things have happened since my last post. The most obvious would be celebrating April Fool's Day. I wouldn't call it a celebration although I think next year, it would be a most wonderful idea to actually have a party! I'll come up with just about anything to throw a party now. Aside from April Fool's Day, I fell again. No, I didn't fall in love, although that might've been a much more pleasant experience which might not necessarily end in pain. I fell down, on to the ground. Not even into someone else waiting arms! The only person or thing that came to meet me was the rough gravel ground and a few tiny rocks, which hurt. How many people can boost about causing pain just by coming to say hello?

Yes, my fall. I was rushing out of work, looking for my mother's vehicle and tripped on a baby stroller. Yes, a baby stroller. I mean, it's SO huge right? Especially those newer models which are more spacious and have plenty of compartments for the parents to put their stuff. Well, apparently my head was in the clouds and I tripped. Although I must say there were plenty of 'Thank God for small favours' incidents which were only thought of later, when I wasn't in pain. For example, the fact that the stroller didn't tip over when I ran into it. I say that because my legs actually got caught in the front wheels, hence I fell. It might have been even more disastrous if the stroller tipped because well, I don't really have to detail it out for you do I? Another example would be that, although I fell on rough ground (when there was enough smooth ground for me to fall on) it had to be a downward inclined slope. Yes, if you're trying to imagine what happened, let me tell you, it really wasn't a pretty sight. Though I don't think I actually flashed anyone, my skirt was pretty long that day. So, good thing it was downward sloping because that meant the first impact (on my legs anyway, cause I scrapped my palms too) was the upper part of my knee. Not the same part that has been scrapped off twice already. Although I'm stilling weighing the idea that because this has happened twice before (and hence I'm slightly, okay, I'll never get used to the pain) or because I've actually grown up and am in the twenties now (compared to when I was only in my teens the last two times I fell) that I actually handled the pain slightly better. I will admit that it still hurt like f**k and there was plenty of cursing when I was alone in my room, to deal with the pain. The scars of war are still here and they're purple. It's funny how the children at work keep asking me, 'did you spill ink on yourself?' Like, seriously? Who carries bottles of ink around nowadays? I mean, the ink all comes in pads or pens right? Anyway, it's a good excuse to scare the children into not running around outside but it always makes my cheeks red if anyone asks how I actually fell because I think, even as children, they know better than to think their teacher runs around at the lobby like a child high on energy. And a positive outcome from this could be that I've been wearing heels ever since I fell. No, it is not because i refused to give up my heels but I realized that since my knee had to be bent, I should wear heels so I can actually put pressure on it without looking like a bent over old time sailor! I must say my right feet has been complaining because sometimes it hurts to put too much pressure on just my right foot. Anyhow, the healing is coming off fine after I used the purple iodine that Father Khoo lent us. No, I will not be returning what I used, just the rest of it in the bottle.

It seems I've taken too long again because mummy is done with her chores and so I have to go out and have lunch. I think I will come back and blog again tonight before bed. There are some other stuff that I need to talk out because it's been giving me a headache. Until tonight, if you're interested in what goes on in the whacked out mind of mine!

Break time is almost over.

So, break time is almost over. My first revision class begins on 31st of March 2010 at 8.30am in the morning. It will be a long day because I have work after. I'm not really looking forward to it but then again, time spent with friends is always time to look forward to right? Not to mention, the children I see on Thursday that just make me smile.

I really should be filling the ice box but I think time is rather well spent typing here. An outlet for my emotions I suppose. and my mother's just returned with my dog. I think it's a test to how quickly I can type and pen down my thoughts.

Work's been awesome thus far. I can't actually imagine not working there, well, almost like how I couldn't imagine working anywhere else while in my other jobs. I'm not sure if it's the right kind of commitment to be making, seeing as how I got a long way to go or am I just a lazy kind of person. I mean, it's suppose to be good to be happy where you're at and with what you've got right? Anyway, I'm still hoping the student pool increases. Although the numbers at the moment are pretty okay, keeping everyone busy all the time. It is also on a positive note that my pay has increased! I think it will go to helping pay for school and other things that need to be paid for. I'm not planning to get anything new (just because my pay has been increased) but I am planning to save to splurge when it's my birthday. Though that's another thing altogether I think.

I've been forcing myself to study. I created this count down calendar which according to it, I have 45days to my first final paper and 62days before I'm officially free! Yes, I'm trying not to stress too much on the 62days because, 45days to get all I should know about ISORG into my brain? That in itself sounds like an impossible feat, but I will do it! (It's not like I actually have a choice, you know) So, I shall continue with forcing myself to study. I'm hoping the stress will wreak havoc on my body and it will like, lose some pounds or something. It might sound unlikely but, I'm really hoping!

On a more serious note, I have decided that maybe I don't really have the capacity to endure losing a friend I've tried my best to do everything I could to keep. I mean, I may still feel the lingering emotions as long as this situation isn't resolved but, I promise to try and be a better friend so I don't feel like this the next time something big happens. I wouldn't lose a friend over a disagreement to our difference in taste, I hardly want to lose a friend over a girl I can't even stomach. I suppose, until push comes to shove (meaning, you're FORCING me to meet her) I'd just lay back and try to strengthen our friendship. Because when your dreams fall apart, only the people who still remain are those worth fighting for. (I'm saying this with the image of inception in my mind, you know, when the dream which was created begins to fall apart. No, I've not watched it yet but I will! Maybe it's time to rediscover what attracted me to Leo all those years ago!)

Well, it is a Sunday afternoon and mummy's not working or doing anything else. I shall go spend my remaining of my Sunday with her before she starts work this evening. Thanks for dropping by and I'd try to write again soon!

The hardest part is admitting that the chapter has ended.

So, I've decided to take a break from self studying because I can feel the sleepiness creeping upon me. The only way I've been able to hold it at bay is by walking around the house, drinking tea (I'm forgoing my one shot of Baileys today) and texting people. My sincere thanks to those who have kept me awake until now to at least be able to churn out one and a half sheets of ISORG notes on the Data Model. Blasted thing it is.

The hardest part of doing anything, especially things that mean so much to us is admitting that the chapter has ended. I don't think returning to school to see my teachers or to help out in the CCA shows that I'm still unable to let go of school because I think, I have yet been able to admit that, that part of my life has ended and I really should move on. I mean, how do you move on from the best four years of your life? Although I admit that at that point in time, it didn't feel like the best four years of my life but I really wouldn't re-do anything, given a second chance, I think. It has been 7 years since I last left the school so maybe, with time, I've come to accept that the chapter has ended and I need to move on, and stop holding on so tightly.

The other chapters I've had trouble letting go off would be my time working at various places. I mean, I think it has more to do with my reluctance and fear of attending another interviews that I wish I could turn back the clock and return to my previous places of work. Some places obviously more so than others (I'm just saying). Even now, I'm dreading the time when I have to leave where I am working now, simply because the pay would not be able to help with all the things I need to do in life. Maybe it's time to learn how to talk to people (interpersonal skills) and to keep in contact with them even after having left the same place for working and obviously losing a large chunk of what you used to have in common. I do hope to continue to keep in touch with the people I am working with now, they are a really nice bunch of people to talk with and of course, work with.

Finally, the final chapters of relationships that I never quite got to write finish. I don't fancy myself as someone who does things and then leaves them hanging for the rest of the time, although I admit, I do that sometimes. I think there are so many things, relationships that I don't feel like I've actually let go off. I could go on and on about the many relationships I still wonder about, up till this very day but that wouldn't do me any good. Sure, it's always the new guy that helped to take my mind of things, especially failed relationships. I kept my nose clean for about a year before, and I'm hoping to actually hit the one and a half year mark or at least two year mark this time around. I mean, there's really no rush and I don't think I have any possible candidates. However that is beside the point, the point is, I don't actually know what point I'm making. Maybe I just want to get over it and stop thinking about it. I mean, I can't begin to fathom how many times my mind drifts back and wonders about the numerous 'what if's. Some relationships I admit, were a mistake on my part while others, I really wish didn't have to end the way they did, or at all. So I suppose, unless I managed to build a time machine, there is no way I could go back and right some of the wrongs I did, or do something that I didn't have the courage to do.

So what was the point of this post? There is no point. I guess I just needed somewhere to rant and where better than my own blog where no one ever comes to visit? I need to go for lunch now, and then work this afternoon. I like it when work becomes my escape from reality, even if it's only for three hours. I like it being able to let my creativity flow especially when marking the compositions. I really do need to start writing again, and reading of course, after my exams unfortunately. Well, I should go before mummy comes barging in here again. Till next time, you know where to find me! <3

The beginning of the most unforgettable event in history.

It's late and I really should be in bed. I've put this off for about, two to three days now. Every time the urge to write comes and before I actually get settled down in front of the computer, the urge vanishes into thin air. Just like the snap of fingers. I suppose it probably has to do with what I've been feeling lately. Frankly, I don't even know what I'm feeling. My mood swings are all over the place and they're changing so fast, it's kind of freaking me out.

Like I've said before, the long it takes me to gather the courage to talk about what I'm feeling about this whole mess, the quicker my courage deserts me and the harder it is to actually pinpoint what I'm feeling and to actually talk to you about this. My feelings on the matter were pretty clear in the beginning. Or so I thought. I did bounce from one side to the other as I heard both sides of the story but there was one thing that remained while I was trying to decide what I was feeling. That was anger and dislike which was bordering hatred. The thing is, I don't think I have any right to these feelings. I mean, I don't know. The fact that it took so long for me to be in the actual loop, despite what was said, it hurt. It also hurt that maybe, every person I thought could fill the role of my best friend, just doesn't want to be that. It's like, every person I tell 'hey, you're my best friend' just looks at me funny and says 'I don't want to be your best friend' I thought I gave up after what happened a few years ago but it seems, I really am a sucker for pain and hurt. But that's beside the point, because those feelings fade as they always do. Just because I don't want to hold on to these thoughts and lose the people I really care about. I made that mistake before (though, it felt like you really couldn't give a damn if I stuck around or not) and I didn't want to do it again. 10 years of friendship is plenty of time to let go just of a fleeting moment of insecurity. Aside from the anger, there was the dislike bordering hate. I don't even know you and yet I have this intense feeling of wanting to scream at you. Although it would be more apt to say I'd love to actually hit you. I don't think I've actually let go of this dislike and it's making me want to scream at one of the people I never thought I'd want to scream at, ever. But just like how it is with law, the longer you take to actually put forth a case, the lower your chances of winning. The longer it takes for me to talk to you about my feelings, the harder it gets for me to actually pinpoint or even tell you what I've been feeling. And just for the fact that I can't hold it in anymore, I'm just going to put it all out here. Right now. And if you think you'd like to talk to me, I'm sure you'll know where and how to find me.

I kept telling myself that it's very possible you didn't realize what was going on until everything started going wrong. I stuck with that through everything and I really believed it. Then things started to change the way I thought. Things I read, things I heard, things that weren't said. I mean, who does what she did if they had only friendship in mind? And my argument ends there. How could you not know? I don't think it's possible anymore and that is what scares me the most. I don't want to lose you, I really don't. I know, I probably have to come to terms with this on my own because, you'll probably never step foot here. Some times, I wish I could've done something. Like they say, hind sight is always 20/20 isn't it? I really hope this doesn't affect our friendship but,sometimes I dread to pick up the phone even to text you. And at other times, it's so easy to pretend and then everything just slams back into me when I'm alone. It sucks and I wish I wasn't a fucking coward who was afraid of losing you.

I hate that everything crashes down on you at the same time. It's only another 2 more months before I'm free from having to study and yet, I'm already feeling like giving up! The worst part is, I just want to give up and live the rest of my life doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. Right now, I hate it when people ask me what I want to do. Because if I really sat down and thought about it, I'd quit school and just be a bum. That's what I want to do and it scares me. Urgh!

I think I'm gonna partake in my nightly ritual of lying in bed wishing for a better tomorrow. Maybe I'd cry my eyes out again, and hope everything wouldn't look so bleak in the bright sun light.

Just a thought about life.

'The quicker you quit trying to be someone else, the faster you can get started on defining yourself.'

Nope, this isn't a quote from anyone famous. Just flowed through my mind while I was in the shower. Yes, I do plenty of multitasking in the shower. Hence explains why I take a really long time in there. Though I just realized, I never do like taking quick showers. I always come out annoyed and flustered. Anyway, I don't really want to share my shower time rituals, I'm sure everyone has their own. (Yes you too, stop looking over your shoulder.) This quote is pretty accurate though, isn't it? I mean, the quicker we stop trying to make ourselves into someone we admire (or at the very least, someone we think is good to act like or model ourselves after), the faster we can start defining ourselves and who we really want to be. Our goals, aspirations, aims, wishes, desires. Some people never have the fortune of finding themselves and at the end of their lives, they just, leave this world with regrets. Of course I don't want that to happen to me although at this point in time, as my dreams get dash like foam bubbles in the rain, I think I just might end up regretting every step I take in this life.

I don't mean to be melodramatic, although I think at times, I do enjoy it a little. So often I get pegged as the quiet girl that, sometimes, I just want to be that girl everyone talks about. Okay, I admit that sounded really shallow. For the sake of not hiding who I am (because frankly, I don't think anyone even visits this blog!), I'm just going to leave that out there. Although right now, I have a feeling that if anyone stumbles on this blog, they're not going to bother about me the next time I decide to actually throw a fit. (Damn.)

I really should be studying, which I have not. Yes, I do plan to get started after this post. And I am extremely annoyed that I can no longer study with music playing, because sometimes it makes it too hard to concentrate. And I think, the fact of the matter is that I think better when I'm singing, or at least listening to music that mean something (not just loud music banging away like it's the start of the metal age. I'm not dissing anyone, I just really get a headache with all those loud music, although I do enjoy Linkin Park.) Well, having said that, I think I will try to study with music tonight. I know I need all the motivation I can get when trying to study Management Accounting. I mean, at this point in time, I don't even know if I can answer ONE question in the examination paper. It's like, I'm so lost (about what I'm studying, although I have studied and well, the panic IS setting in.) and as I said, the panic IS starting to set it. Which really isn't good, at all.


Sometimes, I hate that my mind drifts. It floats here, and there and it just refuses to do or concentrate on what it is suppose to do! Sometimes, I think that the children at my centre are lucky in the sense that they can, digress or at least meander away from what they're suppose to be concentrating on without much of an impact or consequence. Having said that, this obviously does not apply to students who are taking their PSLE or the final 'O' levels. Though they do have me (and the other teachers, of course) to give them that 'stare' and say, "quick, do your work!" or "come on! Concentrate on your work." My mind keeps going back to writing. Although I really doubt I'd ever get anywhere. I mean, really, who am I trying to kid. I don't even think my English skills is that high to boast about. Though I still write, because, I suppose practice does make someone better at what they're doing (even if it doesn't make you perfect at what you're trying to do.) That, and I don't think I could get rid of all the plot bunnies running around in my head who continuously hump each other so more plot bunnies are being born. Okay, I'm sorry if that gave you a bad image but, I'm just saying.

What else do I want to do? I want to read, that's what I want to do! I want to be able to lie in bed, on a Saturday night and just read from 9 till 12 and then snuggle under the covers and go to sleep. I want to be able to curl up with a book for long hours, snug under my blanket and maybe, if I'm feeling thirsty, make myself a cup of hot chocolate. The only books or articles I read now are related to what I'm studying (not that I'm complaining, because they are helpful, in a sense.) and I can't snuggle under the bed because I need to make my own notes at the side. I can't slowly let my eyes roam the page and let my imagination run wild because really, how much more can you imagine about a management article? The board of directors all locked in a conference room (did I mention that they were cute?), discussing policies they want to implement, why they want to implement them and the possible final results they may achieve from implementing these policies? I didn't think so. So for now, I'll probably grit and bear it but once 20th May rolls around (and I'm done rebuking myself for not studying harder, I do it even if I did put in all my effort, although, I don't personally feel like I ever do. Yes, I'm a weird girl.) I'm going to have a book glued to my hand every week. I'm going to read ALL the books that I've recently (and not so recently, well, more not so recently because I HAVE NOT GONE SHOPPING! Well, since Chinese New Year anyway.) bought and maybe, just maybe, I'll re-read the Twilight Sage. Just for the fun of it. Well, and also for Edward Cullen maybe. Not to mention, I'd watch New Moon and Eclipse for Jacob, because (I'm sorry to say!) Edward IS too frown-y.

Talking about movies, I will also spend a majority of my time watching movies that I have not been able to watch. You might be wondering where I'm going to find all this time and guess what? I'm exactly in step with you on this thought. Everyone's saying I should start sending out resumes now, start planning my career. Would it sound really good for nothing-ish for me to say that I really don't care? Okay, not that extreme that I don't care because obviously I care about when I'm going to be able to help mum around the house and all that. I just, don't want to think about it right now. Well, I don't even know if I want to think about it then because, I personally feel that I suck so badly in my studies, that no one (although I seriously hope this isn't true) would even want to hire me! Of course, I'm talking about the profession that I'm suppose to be entering and not just any other job because I highly doubt I'm as undesirable for a job as I made myself out to seem. It's not just that I want to put this off as long as I can but I really do wish that I could take that 3 month break from work and just, waste my life away. Just for that three months. Yes, I'm insanely jealous when I look at the Facebook pictures of when people travel overseas. Despite the fact that I've been working since I started school and before that, I have no savings to boast about seeing as how I'm knee (possibly higher than the knee) deep in debts. I'm not joking when I say that if (yes, if and when) I get married, I'm starting an account if my husband ever decides he wants children. There are some things that children do not need to worry about, even if they are of age. I think I will remain with this job for a while now. If I'm extremely lucky, my pay will be increased before I actually stop working. That way, I'd be able to quickly repay the debts and well, start to save up for something special.

I know there are some people who are comfortable in crowds. While there are others who are comfortable just with a small group of friends. Though I find, I am most comfortable when I'm on my own. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. For the reasons that I'm terrified of being left out and realizing one day that, there's absolutely no one I can call to just hang out, or catch that latest movie or, even to ask for help. Most of the things I've mentioned above that I want to do, most of them are done independently. Sure, you can sit with someone and read (Yes, that is what I want to do someday, with that special someone) but I don't know. I like being on my own sometimes where I can sing without wondering if I sound really off key and awful. I don't know, some days I'm so afraid of ending up on my own. While on other (better, obviously) days, I feel like I'm meant to be on my own and I should just resign to my fate and not, hope for things that aren't meant to be. Seriously speaking, I don't know why I've been feeling this so much these few days. Maybe it's people around me talking about getting married, going out and finding a partner to spend your life with. Just today, I heard someone say that you need to fight for your happiness but, if you continuously seek for your happiness, can you really find it? Or should you wait for it to come to you? They say that when you fall in love, with the one that's meant to be, it'd be different from all the other times you think you've been in love. The only time I've ever felt that, was for a guy that didn't make me so crazy like all the rest did. He made me smile, he made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Then, I suppose dreams don't always care about what's going on right now to make an appearance. How could I hold it against someone for chasing their dream? I just wish it didn't mean that it was going to have to end. (Though, maybe it was my fault to a certain degree.) No, I'm not upset or angry because truth be told, I was really glad for that time. Because it made me feel that, maybe I was worth someone's time. That there was a possibility that I could be happy without trying to please someone else to love me. Ah well, what will be, will be right?

So, I think I should log off and get started on my Management Accounting revision. I've great plans, I just need to put them into action. And maybe, at the end of my life, I wouldn't regret as much as I would if I did not carry out every task with everything that I have. I probably won't be on for the next few days because guess what? It's preliminary week! Weeks to be exact since I've got examinations spanning two weeks. Well, I shall try my best and we shall see what happens! Until after my examinations, take care and I'll be back!

The funniest things happen at the most unexpected time

The funniest thing happened to me when I was on my way home today. You see, I had gone to one of mummy's friend's place for lunch. As such, I decided that I wouldn't like to have to rush off for work so I took off. While we were on the way home, I got a call from my boss which happened to be diverted to mummy's phone because my phone was on silent and I didn't hear a thing! When mummy's phone rang (and she has caller id), it showed that I was calling, since she had put my office number under my name. Both of us were like, what? Did my phone automatically call my mummy? Obviously at that time, we didn't realize that my office was calling. Anyway, I decided to switch back to my normal profile just in case the same person decides to call back, and she did! I answered the phone and said 'Hello?' and she asked, "Amanda?" So I said what any normal person would say, "Yes?" and then there was silence on the other line. At first I was a bit curious, I mean, who calls someone elses' phone, get confirmation that it is that person you are looking for and then keeps quiet! So I asked 'Yes, sorry, who are you?" and she said, while laughing "Angie! Where are you?" And that was when I realized that she may have forgotten that I wouldn't be going into work that day! Oh, it was so funny after clearing the confusion and I put down the phone. There were so many subtle clues and yet we didn't realize what was happening until it actually happened!

Well, today is officially the last day of the Chinese New Year celebrations. Which also marks the end of my wearing red every day plan! I know I told a friend yesterday that I was NOT going to wear red for the rest of this month but, depending on what I have to wear in my cupboard, I may just end up wearing some of my red clothes again. I personally think it's been a fun 15 days of the Lunar New Year. Yes, although I obviously wasn't really happy on selected days, I think on a whole, these 15 days has clearly been more well spent and in higher spirits than last year, or any of the years before. I only hope that this will be a good year, and that by Chinese New Year next year, I wouldn't still be in school. That I will hopefully have a higher paying job with equally nice employers and coworkers. I'm not even going to wish for a boy because every time I try, I just get ones that, I don't really want. Well, before next year arrives, I really have to put my back into it and work for it. For nothing comes without hard work, right?

The examinations are looming ahead and my final lesson for the year will be tomorrow at 12pm, ending at approximately 15minutes past 3pm. Although I should be strapping myself to the table (not the bed) to start studying, I really haven't purchased any material or will power. Though I do hope that I will get down to it and obviously not get distracted by the contest I'm joining on the 1st of March. Hahas. Nevertheless, a girl still needs to relax some times right? Though I promise, I promise I'll pull up my socks and try to start studying because I really need to. I mean, if I can do well even if it was an open book test, it means I've got the basic skills to answer the questions, right? So, all I need to do now is memorize the information and be able to apply it to the questions! Yes, I'm fully aware that I'm trying to trick myself into studying (like how a penguin tricked himself into jumping off the cliff) but, if that works best, why not try it or use it right?

Well, there isn't any use in drawing this out when I have nothing else to say. See? This is how dull my life is! Well, I think I'm going to join mummy in watching television before I do some of the MA readings this evening while she rests for work. Until the next time I come here and check back, thanks for stopping by!

An unhealthy obsession.

I have never actually heard anyone say, "you have a healthy obsession with _____!" I think, that may be because no one could have a healthy obsession with something. Simply because the word obsess itself is defined as such, haunt, fill mind of. If something fills your mind so well that nothing else can break through, how else could one continue with life if one can think of nothing else to do? So what exactly is this all about? I think, I have an unhealthy obsession. With whom, or with what, I shan't disclose because really, why do I want to tell you who or what I'm obsessing about when it would not serve any purpose in making the world a better place? Additionally, I'm sure if I did say who or what I'm obsessed with, we can forget about reading a nice post where I attempt to find back my love for writing (albeit nonsensical things) and just delve into the numerous things that upset and frustrated me as a result of my obsession. Hence, I'm not about to tell you what or who I am obsessing over.

I find that I am making more of an attempt to log on here and actually sit down and type. I mustered up all the self control I had last night to actually finish an MA article before I went to bed. I figured I might try doing it again tonight because I need to read the articles he gave us this week. It's pretty pathetic that I need to be faced with the threat of being thrown out of class to actually do my readings. Nevertheless, I am determined to at least try this strategy for the next few weeks until my prelim, and then thereafter as well. Just three months before I can totally lose it, so in order to ensure that I can lose it in peace without a guilty mind, I will attempt to give it my best shot and I hope, that will be enough for me to get past this hurdle!

It's funny that I'm already past my teen years, and yet, I'm getting this urge to rebel. I mean, I certainly didn't try it at the age of 16 until 19 because I was too busy try to hold myself together having been faced with annoying jerks in Junior College. Then I started working, and I certainly couldn't drop the job for my own selfish needs. Though now, it's almost a constant thought in my mind. Whispering when I let my guard down, screaming at me when I find I can't take any more of what is thrown at me. Though part of me still stands there, with her arms crossed and that unforgiving stare that tells me I know I shouldn't do it. And then another part that's curled up in a chair with soft music playing in the background that tells me I probably wouldn't be able to survive being a rebel for more than a week. Though I think my version of rebelling only includes clubbing every weekend, seeing as the other aspects of life seem too important to just turn my back on it at the moment. Ha. I think just with that very sentence alone, shows how much I probably wouldn't be able to stick to my altar ego for more than a week. Maybe as I said in my previous post, it's futile to try and separate myself from who I've become and any attempt will just end in disaster and possibly producing some very disastrous results. Still, it's nice to entertain the thought that maybe I'd pluck up the courage to relive the teenage years that passed me by.

It's quite sad that the writing bug hasn't really, bitten me often enough. Though I think with what my studies requires of me, as well as work and other social obligations, I wouldn't be able to drop them to sit down for hours and write, like I used to. I wonder how my characters would take to me when I finally decide to sit in the same room as them for long enough. Obviously I still wish for that happy ending, but I think, I think maybe I'm a bit cynical to know that not every story ends in a happy ending. I mean, my life experiences (or those that I've had thus far) has demonstrated as such. That people do things that benefit themselves first, without further or much consideration for the feelings of others. That certain circumstances, no matter how strong the bond is between two people, are really unmovable and do not provide any other roads to take. That some decisions, that once have been made, can never ever be taken back regardless of how sincere a person is, or how repentant a person is. And that, good does not always triumph over evil and sometimes, the good can never find its way out of the darkness. Sigh. I think I shall drop this for a while, and go back to writing when I know I have time for my characters. Because, I've been neglecting so many people that I feel like the most horrible person on this planet.

It's almost time for me to leave for church. I'm seriously thinking about bringing an article to read, just before mass and well, maybe when I'm in the car waiting for mummy to bring her things from the car to the taxi? Ha. Who am I kidding, I'd bring it but half the time, I'd be talking either to mummy or listening to music. Sometimes, music in my life seriously crosses a line but I could never bear to tell it to get lost. Anyway, I think I'd just paint my nails before Mass and take the opportunity to let it dry during Mass (just the base coat, I still prefer painting my nails at home where I can not do anything so as to not destroy my nails.) Well, with this goodbye, I promise I'll be back soon! I'm thinking if I should schedule my blogging days because obviously I cannot stick to my one post a day because my life (at the moment) is extremely dull. Well, just know I'll be back soon!

If time never moved.

It's amazing how my first post of 2011 is done while I'm still dressed from the day and crying my eyes out.

I think sometimes, it's futile to separate myself from who I have already become. It just makes the disappointment harder to bear when I fall back into the darkness. I know it's pointless, pointless to keep thinking back and wondering if there was anything I'd do differently. Skip out on Junior College and went to Polytechnic. Then, I wouldn't have met Natasha, and I wouldn't have worked where I met here. Which then means I wouldn't have started school when I did, or have met the people I know now. Although yes, I admit there are some of them whom I wish I had never met but, there are some who right now, I'd give the world for to keep. Then again, if there are some things you were meant to always have regardless of your choices, or people you were meant to meet regardless of your choices, would the choices I have made make a difference in who I have in my life now, or what I have now?

If time never moved, I think I may have kept myself forever at 19, or maybe 18. Just out of Junior College, thanking the heavens I survived school and at least managed to pass my examinations. Even if my marks were less than desirable. I'd be working and doing mundane things that at least I loved to a certain extent. Also, I think I might've still been in love with that boy who said he'd come for me one day. If time never moved, he wouldn't have joined the army and maybe, just maybe, he'd be the one who'd make me happy for the rest of my days. But then again, your happiness shouldn't solely depend on one person should it? Because if that person was taken away, your happiness would disappear along with him. But maybe he would have been good for you, you know. Sometimes, I still wonder if things might have turned out differently if he never left. But that's all in the past now.

If I could turn back the clock, I think I'd be back in secondary school. It doesn't matter that I had to go to school five days a week, every week for a month unless it was a holiday. Ten months a year, give or take a few weeks because of the term holidays. I'd even take back the morning runs just for the hell of it. I'd even take the turmoils of friendships that have left me scarred. There are so many things I'd suffer if only I could turn back the time to when things were simpler.

Things happen because of consequence or because some things cannot remain as they are for long. Some things happen because we didn't think we needed to do anything until it was too late. Some things happen because we are simply too tired to care, only to lament the situation when the dust has settled. Some things happen because we were oblivious to reality and simply wanted to remain in our contented world for as long as we could. The hardest of these things has to be knowing that things happened not because someone deliberately made a choice but because that person because of innocence caused something to happen that no one could take back. I don't know if it would be harder to accept that what was done, was done deliberately, consciously, or to know deep down in my heart, that you really did not know what was going on. Even saying it out aloud, or typing it out, or shouting it in my mind, I think my heart doesn't believe that you could not have known. How could you possibly have not known? It's almost an impossibility; yet, I'm still trying to convince myself that maybe, you really are that innocent or oblivious.

Too many things are bottled up. Too many things have been left unsaid. Too many things are thought yet never pass the lips. I want to say everything that's on my mind. But I know, when push comes to shove, I won't. Because I know that whatever I say, whatever that passes my lips, can never be taken back. And once I voice them out, they'll keep playing in my mind on a loop. And once everything is out there in the open, I don't know how it'll look once the dust has settled. I don't want to hurt you, I don't ever want to hurt you. I'd rather wrap my hand around a glass piece and take the pain than voice my pain and see your heart break. Maybe it's better if I just voice it out and deal with the consequences later. At least then, it'd stop from piling up inside of me. But I know I could never do it. I could never say something that'll hurt someone I love if I could stop it from happening. So what to do now? Smile, Nod, Pretend? I don't know, maybe.

I know what I've been missing the most. The only balm I know that can and will soothe my aching heart. Talking to people who live on the other side of the world. Just a few minutes and I already can't keep the smile off my face. It is times like these that, I just wish, I had the money to take a plane and fly over there. Just to say I love you and to spend time with them.

Well, I think I've been sufficiently cheered up. Things aren't settled yet, unfortunately. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know how I'm going to face my mother later. Well, I am going to try and get 4 hours of rest and then, maybe crash into bed tomorrow night. And i think, I shall start blogging again. If just to be able to write again, because it hurts when you let go of your first love for less important things in life.