Good evening.
Wow, it has indeed been a long time since my last post. Eleven days. Since then, many things have been happening. More so weird and unexpected than really upsetting things. For one, it has definitely got to be the nightmares. Because frankly, I'm wondering if I still have my sanity after what my mind has unconsciously conjured up. But I'll get to that in a bit, because it still freaks me out when I try and remember the nightmares. So, aside from those nightmares. My clubbing adventures have reached another high although now would be the lull period. Everyone's busy, everyone's studying. And you know me, never to venture out alone. But I am thinking that maybe I should. But that is another discussion topic for another day. Faith is obviously and unfortunately still a large part of what I think about daily. More importantly during the weekends when attendance is required as an obligation. And then, I have also been reading. Mainly now, would be this desire to complete the seven book series that took the world by storm. Hahas, I can't believe I'm coping what people are writing in the news. But yes, the still very famous Harry Potter even after the books are done has recently entered my life again. I really do have JL to thank for lending me the books because I would never ever be bothered to make the trip down to the library to borrow the books. So what should I start off first? I'm guessing it would be with regards to my faith because, I'm so confused over it I really don't know what to do. Not to mention, I have stopped singing during Mass.
I never really thought that I would've ever stopped singing during Mass. Mainly cause even when I wasn't in the mood for Mass, I was always in the mood for singing the songs. No matter how much I don't agree or feel with the song, I'll sing. And then, I tried it. That Saturday, when everything really seemed to be going wrong, I stared at the wall and stopped singing. I could still feel the urge to sing, to open my mouth and hear the words coming from me and not from someone else. To hear the music, to be part of the music, to at least be a part of something. And then, today. There really wasn't the urge. I mean, I stared and the urge to sing didn't bother me at all. I didn't really feel empty, I just felt lost. Slightly defeated I suppose, but I didn't feel all that awful. Maybe it has to do with my increasing desire to not go for Mass. I have promptly ignored most of the people I see during Saturday at church. I don't do it on Tuesdays. I guess it is simply because it is hard to glare at someone whose smiling at you. But anyhow, I have offered another suggestion to my mother to go for Sunday evening mass instead, because I don't think there will be anyone there that I used to know. Although it really doesn't seem to be a need now. Because every Saturday, the altar is bare. I am, unfortunately, thinking of starting a bulletin board in church. Putting up articles of interest. Interesting bits of information that you never knew about the church or the faith. And you, I might just actually take up the idea to Father. Well, that is if he is still here after February. I mean, they did say that everyone was getting moved didn't he? So maybe I might do it, but only if Father's still around. Or maybe, I'll just give it up. Like how I gave up on the altar servers. Like how I gave up on Mag. Like how I gave up on everyone I've met since the day I stepped into the church. I'm disappointed with myself, but I guess, there are some things you just have to live with. And I'm guessing, this is, unfortunately, one of those things.
The nightmares, are too scary, for lack of a better word, to actually be typed up here. I don't really want to be giving anyone else the same nightmares I've been having. And yes, I think they are really scary. I am currently home alone and I have my grandparent's door shut close. The lights, I know, are on in the living room and kitchen. And I am ensuring I've music on for the whole time I am awake, as well as the lights. Trust me, that is how freaked out I am. I did have the urge to cry the first night I woke up from my nightmare. But no, big girls don't cry do they? I have yet to cry actually. Just scarring my arms with my nails at the moment. I'm sure, if the nails dig too deep, the tears will come.
Despite the eleven days of not blogging, I don't really have much to say. I mean, there really hasn't been much happening in my life. I haven't talked to Matt. Both Matthews. I haven't talked to J. I haven't talked to anyone from church. I haven't talked to anyone from school. You know, I really do wish I could drop off the grid. I'm guessing I'm just following Max or Rey. Whoever you'd like me more to be like. Running away doesn't solve the problems. But maybe, after I've run away, the problems would cease to exist. I'm going to read some fan fiction because if I even attempt to write now, I can't promise that someone else would suffer the same heartache I'm going through. So, that's all. I'll try to blog again when I'm in a better mood. A happier one, I hope. I miss you, but I can't really say I do.
Amanda Still Loves You (:
