Big Girls Don't Cry.

Good Evening.

It's been only two days since my last entry. I must say that it hasn't been so bad since then. Although now I am seriously panicking if my money's going to come in on time to pay the bills. Hahas. But I guess, the worst that can happen is that they don't allow my mother to buy her car park coupon and then cut my phone line. On the bright side, I wouldn't be contactable when I finally decide to run away from home. Hahas. But I guess, we'll just have to wait and see on Thursday if my money comes in on time to pay the bills. I really hope it does, because I am truly on the edge of breaking down. And I'm not just talking about tears.

One surprisingly new status is BenTan talking to me on Thursday night. So it's settled between us. Although I don't think he understood what I meant when I said it ends here. Because when we launched into the debate on me ever coming into contact with a certain ElvinWee, he talked like I was still his older sister, the girl he knew from long ago. But I'm sure, after a week or two, when he sees me ignoring him in church and online, he would understand that when I said it ends here, I meant that it did end there. The relationship, the fights, the love, everything. After all, if I can't keep my own word on issues like this, how am I to ever trust myself with bigger things? And also like how I'm keeping to my word about staying away from ElvinWee and everyone I used to know in church. The Thiens, The Cheangs, The Lees, everyone who knew the Amanda before. Well, everyone except the girls. Steffi and Gen. But that's about it. I've been doing pretty much all right, aside from that tap on my shoulder on Christmas. But other than that, every thing's all going as planned. For once in my life, anyway. After all, after having seen all the chaos, how could anything of such mess been planned? I've also brought up the suggestion of going to Christ The King for mass. However mother seems to be rather attached to this church. It truly is quite unfortunate for me, cause you know, I'm trying to get away from this church and all? Yeah, very unfortunate for me. But I'll probably continue to try and talk her into going for mass at Christ The King. Very much better for my sanity, and my soul too.

Today was the celebration of St Stephen's Martyrdom. We didn't stay. I especially didn't want to stay when I saw the entire youth choir. Not since mass was just as dull as ever. Can anyone really not move their body when they hear music? I mean, is it possible that you wouldn't even move a muscle when you hear a catchy tune? I guess it is possible looking at how stiff and dead the choir looked. But then again, maybe it's just me and maybe they're just about as lively as any other choir in this church. Who knows? Who really knows about these things anyway? So said hi to Gen and Steffi. Steffi knows that she probably won't see me anymore in church, but I guess, I didn't have the heart to tell Gen yet. But I guess, as long as she wants to see Jessica, it's better about forgetting about me (: And it's seems funny but I can see myself spending more of my time outside of church, with other people. Maybe it's Tasha getting into my blood. After all, the friends she makes at the clubs aren't that bad. It's not like I'm suddenly going to start smoking and all, but it would be nice to have some place else to find peace. Acceptance. Love. Maybe not all, but just some place else where I wouldn't be judged. Not that harshly anyway. Although talking about this, I've also got a comment on my last post from someone named Anonymous. Here's what it says:

"And now the poor stand and confess

That my portion is you and I'm more than blessed"


This is a song from hill song.

God is our solution. Just hold on to God and he will lead you...Be blessed

I don't know what I'm suppose to do, really. Seeing as how I'm on the verge on about giving up on almost everything I've ever known. I've heard it can be quite an enriching experience giving up everything you've ever known, because then you'll find out more things. Things that you never knew, things that you've never dreamt about. Anyway, I do wonder who posted this comment. But maybe I don't know the person. Because I'm hoping now I don't know the person. Hahas. Anyway, I guess God has been providing. But now, it just seems like he doesn't care. I mean, we're suppose to listen for his voice. But what happens when we hear his voice, and people tell us that we are wrong. And that, that's not what he's saying? After all, I thought I was doing good by befriending her, when everyone else shunned her. And then when she left, everyone said that I shouldn't have done what I did. I thought I was doing good by taking care of them, while everyone else was having fun. And then when everything went wrong, everyone said that I should have been smart enough to have done something else aside from just taking care of them. And I guess, maybe I've lost my faith in what is good and what is bad? The lines are never clear, I know that. I'm more than clear on the fact that the lines between black and white, good and evil are never clear cut. But how are little girls suppose to believe that good will always win over evil, when nothing good ever comes out of being good? The gift of eternal life in heaven? I don't know if I really want to spend eternity with the people in my church now. Well, seeing as how they're certain they'll go to heaven. So maybe I'll just go to hell, you know, just to escape from them. Hahas. So I don't know, I guess. God is our solution. Hold on to God. He will lead you. Somehow, I only believe partially in what you're trying to say, I'm sorry.

Well, it is almost 10pm. I had weird, really weird dreams yesterday. I had one about NC. Although I think it was more of a fabrication my mind made up to make me happy rather than a possibility waiting to take place. I received an e-mail from J today. Well, he sent it two days ago and I only read it today online. He's all right, still going for missions. I guess until he comes back, I'll just be known as a bachelorette. Well, one that isn't looking for a guy anyway. Although I doubt bachelors are actually looking for that one girl to marry and settle down for the rest of their life right? Hahas.

So I guess this is where I stop today. Tomorrow's Sunday, the following day is Monday which is also New Year's Eve. And then Tuesday, it'll be 2008. I doubt I would be leaving all this behind in 2007. And no, I haven't started on this New Year's Resolution List. Because somehow, I have this feeling I'm not even going to stick close or even follow it at all. Well, thanks for stopping by I guess. I really do think no one reads this blog. Hahas. Despite the three comments that I've already had. I think they all happen to stumble upon this mad girl's blog and decided to comment. Hahas. Some things, no matter how hard we wish for them to be, never are the way we had wished them to be. I'm going to continue to listen to Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry on repeat before going to bed shortly. I'll be back soon, I guess. Definitely before the new year if I can help it. So, I'll see you. Take care. and God Bless. And just in case I don't come back before the New Year, a Happy New Year to you and many blessings ahead in the new year for you.

Amanda Loves You (:

This looks like a breakdown in progress.

Good Morning.

Actually, it really hasn't been such a good morning. To say the least, it has been horrible. I don't know why, but I have this gut feeling that 2008 is going to get worse. Followed by the next year of course. And it's just going to get worse until I eventually decide that I'm just going to give up, because that is always the easier choice. The first thing that went wrong this morning, was indeed the fact that my dog barked at me to get out of bed at 3am just to open the door for him to drink some water. It disrupted my sleep and made me realize that mother was not home yet. Which led me to find out that it sucks being a Taxi Driver now, because although you earn more per trip, you don't have as many trips as you used to pick up. And just hearing it over the phone seems to cement my future. How can I ever go back to studying knowing that what my mother is going to earn isn't enough to support a family of four? Anyway, I did go back to sleep and woke up at 6.55am. And guess what? I left the house at 7.25am without make up and I do think my mother is angry at me. But I guess it doesn't matter. There is no point wasting petrol when I can take the bus which is so much cheaper. So I left for work and as usual, the adults on the bus and in the train never fail to annoy the living day lights out of me. Now, I'm sitting at my desk, stomach growling because I haven't eaten anything this morning. My head's spinning because I don't think there is any blood being pumped into it. And my nose is dripping, because the stupid medicine I took isn't working.

Just yesterday, I was talking to Tasha about going back to school. And that I've probably resigned myself to taking accounting. After all, I don't think there is anything else I can take that is going to ensure me at least a job when I graduate. However, having looked at the courses and the course fees, I am beginning to re think going back to school. I mean, at least 20K per year? I don't think my mother could handle that. And I'm not qualified to take a part time course, because at SIM, you need to be 21 years of age and above. So I am seriously re thinking even applying for school, even at a local university where the fees are heavily subsidised. How are you suppose to concentrate on studying when you're worrying about the government taking away your house? I don't know, I really don't.

That brings up another issue which is work. I don't know but I do think I am burning out and am starting to hate to come to work. Or maybe it's just the early starting time, I don't know. But if I do not apply for University next year, I'm most probably going to find a much higher paying admin job. Because if I ever do want to go back to my education, I definitely need to have some source of savings to actually start paying for my education first. And it pretty much sucks to the fact that I cannot use my own CPF to pay for my education. Hahas. Very unfortunate really, if you ask me. Anyway, I guess that's my plan so far. I don't know if I'm even going to take a chance and apply. And then if I do get in, against all odds, I'll get a weekend job. Coupled with a full time job when I go on holiday, from University that is. I should get around to deleting all the games on my computers. I can't possibly waste anymore time on games, when I need to start putting all my time into making money. It's quite sad really, seeing as how, money was never my first objective when getting a job.

With regards to the title of this post, I really do think I'm building up a breakdown for myself. I was thinking of all the ways I could kill someone this morning. I know it's not exactly the perfect topic for a morning discussion with yourself, is there ever is? But it was something my mind picked out. Not to mention, I'd like to murder half the community that calls themselves my family. Especially after what happened on Christmas. I have no idea how I'm going to survive Chinese New Year! Sometimes I feel like all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Other times, I feel like screaming at everyone around me. It's quite scary actually, and I actually do have to ask myself to relax before I actually do what my mind intends.

My mind is straying because there is a whole lot of activity in the office. Apparently the Sisters are bringing down the staff who are in lieu of promotion next year. I wish I was at least eligable, but what can I be promoted to? This really is a dead end job, especially in terms of promotion and a pay rise. ARGH! I really hate this you know. Having to think about how much I'm being paid. Thinking about how I'm going to be able to pay off the bills without the companies chasing after us for payment. Thinking about how I'm going to even get anything I want when all the money I'm making is going into the house. I hate this, and I hate having to do this. And I think I'm seriously losing my trust in God. That he's going to provide. Because I think in reality, if you're poor, you're going to remain poor for the rest of your life until a miracle happens to you. That or you become a stingy fellow and keep every penny, sickle, dollar and spend only on yourself. Hahas. No, I don't see myself becoming like that, ever. Because it'll just be horrible. ARGH! I hate this little girl whose whispering in my head, telling me that I should never change who I am. But it's not like she's going to help pay the bills right? *sigh* I really should get going I guess. Thanks for reading, and maybe I'll blog again tomorrow or the day after, about how horrible my life is turning out to be most probably. See you.

Amanda Loves You (:

The need to retain my sanity.

Good Afternoon.

Yes, I'm pretty amazed I'm still here. My eyes are dry although my head does hurt and I am still feeling a little annoyed at some members of this extended community. I don't really want to have to go through this whole process so I'll just skip to parts where I did like, or even enjoyed myself.

I refused to get out of bed. That was my first thought in the morning. But I eventually lugged myself out of bed and into the shower where I changed there as everyone was arriving already. After the shower, I hid in the room until I got called out to have lunch. And I have no idea what made my mother think I wanted, or even desired to share the table with the eldest of the female community. And no, I'm not talking about my grandmother. Everything was going well, as well as can be around me. I was eating, and listening to my music to keep me sane as everyone talked and watched a cooking show on the television. And then, she just had, just had to open her mouth and ask me, not kindly mind you, why couldn't I turn off my music. No, if she had asked nicely, or even without a degrading tone of voice, I might have switched off my music without a fuss. But she had to use that degrading tone of voice like I'm not worth any of her time. And she still could stare at me. I would have slapped her if I didn't care for my mother. At least I'm not the one whose not supporting her own mother. So after that, I used my ear piece and blasted the music. No, I couldn't be bothered if someone was trying to talk to me or call me, because I didn't give a damn. After lunch, I stole away into my room again. This time with company. And I guess, no matter how dreadful this community is, at least I've got someone who I can at least smile with aside from my mother. I had a pretty fun time showing him the videos on YouTube. At least some laughter in my otherwise dreadful day. And then it was the cutting of the cake. And I guess, no matter how many times I push the pain aside, the pain of not being accepted always comes back to haunt you. But let's leave that aside, because there is no way I can afford to start tearing or worse, crying.

I'm pretty much thankful for Tasha as well. She kept me company for a while and at least made me feel better. Even though I was sorely tempted to ask the eldest male in the community for a smoke. Yes, I don't smoke but that doesn't mean you can't pick it up right? Well, obviously I didn't. Instead I looked for refuge in my room instead. Anyway, talking to Tasha did help a little. To ease the tension and the desire to inflict bodily harm onto a certain member of the community. And talking about friends, it brings me back to the short note from BenTan on MSN messenger. Yeah, you guessed rightly, I told him off. I don't know why though, but I guess every time I see him, I remember the phase 'Problematic Child' and that just sparks something in me that makes me want to scream, hit or do something to him. Like I said this morning, I don't take lightly to being labelled wrongly or insulted without proof. But the relationship has already died, and I don't ever see it mending itself ever again. After all, if he can bring up the name over and over again every time he cannot win an argument with me, even forgiving him seventy seven times wouldn't be enough. So I guess I just need to get over it huh? Maybe getting over something, is actually much easier than it looks. Well, maybe it'll go into my resolutions for the new year (:

I guess that should be all that happened between this morning and just five minutes ago. I'm listening to the song 'Where Are You Christmas?' again. It really does seem to call to me this year. Maybe it's because I've lost Christmas. And frankly, I don't know if I want to even bother looking for it again next year. But maybe next year will be different aye? But then again, maybe not. Hahas. We'll just have to wait and see how things turn out. Oh, I'm also going to start a list of things that I'm not going to do and a list of things I am going to do next year. For instant, staying off Messengers and Multi Player games are two items on the list of things that I'm not going to do. I guess with so much time spent on gaming and waiting for people to come online, I've lost myself. Writing my stories again is definitely going on the list of things that I need to start doing next year. My stories have probably caught mold and I need to start cleaning them up again. I at least plan to finish one story, which of course is worthy to me, by the end of next year. It would most probably be Will You Stay? because I don't think I would be able to finish the Jeremy and Penelope story by the end of next year. Especially since I may possibly re write the story to iron out some kinks (: We'll see how it goes. I hope, it would go well.

I should be getting ready now. We're going to be heading how in another half an hour and I need to do my make up again. Curling of my eyelashes do indeed take up a lot of time. Hahas. But I think trying to stick on fake ones are going to result in pain and much more time wasted. Hence I'm sticking to curling my eyelashes manually. Hahas. So, maybe I'll blog about Dinner tomorrow or the day after. After all, it's only three days before the weekend is here. And another six days before the end of the year is upon us. I must start on those lists soon. Hahas. So I'll get going. Thanks for stopping by. Take care and God Bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

The first Christmas, that doesn't feel like Christmas

Good morning.

Yes, it is officially Christmas. Unfortunately, the Christmas spirit has already left me, even before it started to take root. I did, for at least two hours, feel in the Christmas mood. I was singing, and helping mother with the house chores. I was in the shower, dancing and curling my eye lashes just to look perfect. And then, as I sat there, amidst the crowd, the spirit left and I just felt disappointed. It was quite a weird feeling I guess. I never thought I'll feel disappointed, especially not in church. Sure, disappointment in the people I called friends. Disappointment in myself for having failed something, or someone. But never, in a million years, had I thought I would have felt disappointment in the only place I found peace. But I did. I guess wonders never cease to exist huh? It's 2.40am and I'm sitting in the dark, crying and listening to the song 'Nobody's Perfect'. Maybe I'm trying to console myself. Maybe I'm trying to make myself happy. Maybe I'm just trying to fool myself into thinking that tomorrow, or later today, would be different. And maybe the future, can still be ok even when I've messed up. Would you like to hear about the mass? I doubt I would like to re tell it. Because re telling it would mean I'd have to remember the extreme bored sensation I was thrown into and couldn't shake off. I mean, I have also never thought in a million years I'll sit in church and be bored. I mean, there's singing. There's happiness. There's God's love having given his son for us. How can anyone, anyone at all, even come close to being bored when exposed to such extreme love, such extreme emotions? Well, I did, apparently. I wouldn't say it was the music because I guess since everyone else clapped, the singing couldn't have been that boring. I wouldn't say there wasn't happiness because it was Christmas, and it was the time of Jesus' birth. And God's love is always there, so I don't think God's love was missing at all. And I still can't put my finger on it. I can say though, that I didn't enjoy the music. I knew some songs, I didn't know others. But the songs I knew, it just lacked the happiness which was suppose to be injected into the singing. I mean, you are singing about God inviting us to share his table. And you're singing like you're being dragged, chained and tortured to the table for a meal. But hey, that's my opinion. If you've got a different view, feel free to leave a comment if you're brave enough. If you aren't brave enough, zip it and get on with your life.

So we shall skip from Christmas mass to after Christmas mass. Shared the whole chocolate bar with Steffi and Gen. It's truly amazing what three girls when left to their own devices can get up to. I mean, a whole bar of chocolate! We were truly hungry I think, or had a deep craving for chocolate. The only thing missing was...Jessica. It seems weird without her around I guess. It seems weird without some people sometime, and I don't understand, how some people can carry on and pretend that everything is good and almost perfect? People leave, people come. It really isn't like I'm ignorant to this aspect of human nature. I guess I'm just not used to the fact that some people seem perfectly with this way of human nature. I mean, shouldn't you at least feel hurt when someone leaves? Or feel the gaping hole in your heart when that person returns? I mean, sure, you hope, wish, want for everything to fall back to how it was before. The way you could sit around and laugh. Touch and smile, without worrying someone was going to spread a rumor. Hug and say 'I love you' and mean it, without worrying you're going to be labelled a boyfriend stealing girl or a lesbian. The way you walked around town together, doing absolutely nothing but taking in the sights. Sat along the streets, talking about your lives and watching as other people's lives flash by you. I have felt that wish, desire, want, need for everything to go back to the way it was. But how can we? How can we really go back to the way it was when we are growing and changing every hour, every minute, every second? I don't think the little girl who wanted things to go back to the way they were before has really died. How do you kill a part of yourself you love so deeply? She's just been coaxed into a room, decorated with her dreams, filled with her hopes, painted with her wishes. The reality she's really living in only comes to her as nightmares, because when she wakes up, she stares up at her dreams and wishes, and feels all right with the world again. Maybe one day, when it's safe again, she'll get to run free in the fields with the adult who loves her so. But until then, she'll be safe, in her room of dreams, hopes and wishes.

Then there was the touch. Which by the way I am absolutely and totally pissed about. I would have preferred a hug, imagine that! But I wouldn't have done it, even if you were to say, pay me a million dollars. I wouldn't say my friendship has died, although I have tried stabbing it a couple of million times. It simply would not die. But I made a choice to leave, fifty five days ago, and I'm planning to stick by that choice even if I have to be a bitch in order to do so. It had crossed my mind to present a Christmas present, I don't know if I mentioned it here, but I really wasn't up to facing the rumors again. Being called a third party once hurts, twice numbs and more than three times just makes you want to hit someone. And I guess, that one moment, one Sunday, doesn't not explain the days he's lived. I have no doubt he is hardly sad at all, so scrap that feeling of me being sorry and wanting to put a smile on his face. Because I'm sure he has many false people to surround himself with. My only hope is that he doesn't drown when no one's there to help him out in times of trouble. So yes, back to my original feeling, I was pissed. Annoyed. Irritated. Murderous. The last word simply because I wasn't ready for another rumor to be spread that I was trying to steal him again. I mean, I don't care how many times people have said it or how I'm supposedly suppose to be numb to the words and rumors, I'm a girl with feelings. Real feelings that you probably don't know about or care. So I don't care how many times the rumor has been spread, or how many times it has been said to my face or behind my back, I'll still curl up into a ball at night and ask myself what I had done to deserve such words being said about me. This unfortunately brings back my last memory of BenTan. Yeah, the fight we had. Hahas. I don't even know why I'm still hurt. After all, it has been rumored that he insults the ones he love the most. Unfortunately, I don't take lightly to being insulted. As you should know by now. But it's no time to be talking about him now right? After all, he's the one who cut the ties. Who am I trying to convince him I'm worthy a split second of his time? Besides, I've got other things to do. Mainly, trying not to plot my plan to kill half the people I know. No, I am not serious about killing half the people I know plot. It's a joke, I'm trying to be humorous. So I guess this should be where I end my self started conversation on ElvinWee and BenTan. The two people whom I thought I had loved in the church which shunned me. Now, the two people I silently wish I had never met.

Talking about wishing never having met them. I've realized that about a few months before, thinking back on church, I had always said thank you, to God mainly, for the experiences and friendships and if I were given a choice to go back, I would have done it all over again. The exact same way, but maybe with a little more class. But now, I'm not so sure. Maybe I would have still been that innocent little girl, who thought that looks didn't matter and boys were troublesome creatures. Maybe I would have always rushed to Christ The King for early morning masses, and sometimes refuse to go for service. Then as usual, the internal conflict. But it's not like I would have a chance to do it all over again right? Chances like that, comes only once in a life time. I don't think mine's here yet. Although even if it did arrive, and knock me on the head with a rubber mallet, I probably would ignore it and go about it the clumsy usual way that is truly Amanda's. It's amazing I haven't truly messed up my life yet. Well, yet being the objective word. It's really times like this, at 3.20am in the morning that I wonder what's going to happen to me. And how I am going to turn out. That I'm sorely tempted to google palm reading, or a horoscope reading, or just anything that would give me an idea about what's going to happen in the future, and what's lined up for me. But I know I wouldn't do it. Because I, fortunately, or unfortunately [as some would say] still believe in trusting in God to provide and care for me. Even when I'm the biggest sinner in the world that can't ever seem to do anything right with her life. I guess some times it is good to listen to the little girl, or boy in some cases, residing in your head. After all, it wasn't adults to whom Jesus revealed the Kingdom of God to.

Well, as mentioned earlier, it is 3.23am and I really should be heading to bed. But let me finish my day, before I go. We had a ride home, and I cleaned myself and then I ended up here. Firstly because I couldn't spend an hour crying in the toilet. And secondly, I needed someone to listen to me. Even when in fact, probably no one checks this blog. Hahas. I guess having a blog is good for my soul. Just like how writing balances me, blogging keeps me sane without offending too many people. Hahas. You know me, it seems simply in my nature to offend the people closest to me. So, there is that lunch thing later this afternoon and then dinner at night. I really should get to bed so I don't end up being cranky and growling at everyone who annoys me. Unfortunately, there would be no drinks at the lunch or dinner. I swear I am becoming an addict! But at least this is controllable as although I like to drink, I'm not crazy over the taste of it or the sudden alertness it results in after the drink. So I guess I am safe. A drink or two now and then should serve to keep me sane and from soaking myself in drinks at my next clubbing outing. Speaking of which, I actually can't wait to go out. Hahas. Well, gotta save some money first since I'm going out with Tasha this coming, or next Thursday for her birthday (: So I guess, that might be the next time I blog or maybe New Year's Eve. We'll see how I feel. If I'm up to blogging or if I need to blog to stop myself from killing someone. This time, I'm not kidding. Ok, I've got this annoying headache on the right side of my head suddenly. So I really should go. Thanks for stopping by, I'm very touched by your concern even though I don't know who you are. Thanks for caring about me, cause it seems hardly anyone cares about me these days, unfortunately. So I should be going. And no, I still don't feel like Christmas. And just the song I've been listening to since I started this post, go check out the lyrics. Hannah Montana Lyrics This is the song I'm listening to when I feel in a ditch, and it's really good. Gives you the kick to get off your ass and to do something about a situation that you've been mulling over for so long. This headache is really killing me, so I'm outta here. Thanks for stopping by again. And although I'm not into the whole Christmas thing this year, I do hope you have a Merry Christmas. No one really deserves to be unhappy or alone, but it doesn't mean there aren't people who are unhappy or alone.

Amanda Loves You (:

Where are you Christmas?

Where are you Christmas?

Why can't I find you

Why have you gone away

Where is the laughter

You used to bring to me?

Why can't I hear the music play?

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Where are you Christmas?

Do you remember

The one you used to know

I'm not the same one

See what the time's done

Is that why you have let me go?

It seem appropriate to start the post with that song, since it was the song that I heard the moment I woke up to shouting in my house. It seems anyone can hardly sleep in this house anymore, because you've got to be awake and alert to catch every piece of drama that unfolds in this house. And mind you, I didn't say home, because this, sometimes doesn't feel like a home. Well, aside from my room that is. My room is currently my home, my only home. The three rooms outside my room, are just places I am required to frequent during various times of the day. Well, I'm sure you didn't come here to read about what I consider as my home and what I don't consider as my home. Great, I'm crying already. Two days before Christmas, and there's screaming. Ok, the tears have stopped. I definitely can't complete this post crying. So yes, I woke up to screaming this morning. And I don't ever understand anything, anything my grandmother says anyway. It's quite hilarious when you think about it, but that is definitely always after the incident when you're thinking back. And wonder, just briefly, why you couldn't have looked in her face and laughed at the plain silliness of her statements. No, I'm not laughing now unfortunately. I'm listening to Faith Hill, with my earphones, turned up to the loudest volume and I can still hear their muffled screams.

I remembered two days ago, when Susanna asked me how I was going to celebrate Christmas. And I said, We don't celebrate Christmas. How idiotic can a girl be to say that when her religion puts so much emphasis on Christmas, the coming of Christ? She obviously, like everyone else, knew how much Christmas meant to Christians so she asked again. And I revised my answer, everyday is Christmas as long as you act like it. You don't need one day to buy presents for a loved one, or tell them how much you love them. Or for the religious amongst us, to thank God for sending his son to us. Just like Mother's Day, I quoted. Then why didn't I believe it? I was having dinner yesterday, and then started tearing when I heard the song 'Santa Clause is coming to town' being sung on the television. I think the show's name was 'Elf' although I'm not very sure. But anyway, they needed to sing and believe in Santa for his sleigh to work, and yeah, I had to think to stop myself from crying and making a crazy fool out of myself. And I don't know, just how much I really am affected by this. I think they've stopped screaming at each other, but knowing my grandmother, the moment someone else steps through that door, the world is perfect with us. And me and my mother, just has to fall into the roll of happy daughter and granddaughter, no matter what we feel or how red our eyes are. Because the moment it's found out how upset we are, the reason for being upset would always be our own fault, just like it has always been.

Two more days to the Birthday cum Christmas party. And no one I invited could make it. I don't know how I am going to survive about an hour or so of family happiness. Because the last time I tried, I think I stayed in my room and cried for days. I think I remember saying in a previous post, that my family now only includes me and my mother. My grandmother and grandfather are still up for consideration. Seeing as how they much prefer to be with someone else in this community of ours. I'm not looking towards this get together. I would much rather have a get together with my JC Classmates which by the way, I will definitely not be attending. I mean, I already have something I don't want to go to so this would kind of be a replacement. I've already fixed that I wouldn't be dressing up or doing much with anything, so I'm going to stick to taking the photos or just work to staying out of them. Just thinking about it now is giving me a headache. Where did Christmas go to? Apparently it died and gone to heaven in my house.

If you realized, only the first part of the song is featured, because the ending is when Christmas is happily announced to be around us always if there's love in your heart. Unfortunately, I hardly have any love in me at this point in time for my extended community. Another day, and then it's Christmas. I can't wait for it to go, really. I guess there really is nothing more to say. And I'm much to emotionally drained to repeat what my grandmother said, although it is pretty funny once you think about it. Cause she says she doesn't take orders or commands, and yet she listens to my oldest aunt like a puppy in need of acceptance. It hurts I guess, the stuff she says. And I really cannot being to imagine why she even had to say any of those things. Especially not just a few days away from Christmas. But I guess, for me, Christmas has truly lost it's meaning.

I guess I should just be going now. There really is nothing much to say. The tears have stopped, and I'm trying to harden my heart. Because if there is even one single ill comment on Christmas Day, I can't promise I won't lose it and start screaming at people. And I would be thankful, enormously thankful that they decided to send me to a mental institution. Because I'll be more able to retain my sanity in a mental institute than to sit at a table with this extended community. So I guess I should be going now. Maybe I'll blog again soon if I'm not taken into custody by the mental institution workers. How am I going to survive this Christmas? I have no idea, absolutely no idea.

Amanda Loves You (: