Goodbye to a special year

Evening.

Yes, I'm suppose to be studying and I will. Soon. After this post, definitely. Seeing as how my conversation partner wouldn't be coming back online soon. It hurts how I trust so easily, only to be let down, again and again and again. Anyhow, let's not touch on that topic tonight. I can't get myself so upset that I can't study right? I have already put of studying for an entire week simply because I was busy doing cards and what not. It has indeed been a hectic one last week of work. Yes, I am not officially unemployed and considered a full time student. No, I'm not gonna stay a full time student for long. Maybe I will to the adults around me, but to those closer to me, you'll know I'm never going to be able to be a full time student. Not anymore anyway. Once again, let's steer away from the upsetting topics. Let's talk about the good stuff, shall we?

It's a little upsetting, yes, that I've finally left work. I really would've stayed on if the circumstances were different. I mean, if I was studying part time instead of full time. Nevertheless, I still don't think I'm cut out to hold a full time job while studying part time. It really is just too tiring for me, and I don't think I handle it very well. Considering my pocrastinting problem I have with studying. Hahas. Although I must say that I did leave with a bang. Hahas. It was a good day, on Friday, when I left. I didn't cry, which was a miracle in itself. There was no one else but Kemas in the office when I left at 8pm. Yes, 8pm. I had work I needed to finish before I left. But I did it happily, or as happy as anyone can be while doing work. Hahas. Anyhow, it was indeed a good day. I'm glad the clinics liked the cards I made for them. I admit, it might be a little insincere since I wrote their names on the cards as they were in the rosters hence if they had an english name, it wouldn't have been reflected on the card. Nevertheless, I'm still glad that they were happy for it. Especially Clinic J. Aside from that, I'm glad everyone else was happy with their cards. My hand really did cramp up the night before after writing ten cards at once, not to mention the fourteen clinics card I did. Hahas. Yes, it was a sight to behold. Amanda, sleeping at 3am [which meant I only got 3 hours of sleep waking up at 6am] just to finish cards and what not. My mother said it was unbelievable since I rarely stayed up to finish my homework, always leaving it to be done in school or have a full blown panic attack the next day. Hahas. Well, I've taken to this sleeping early rule. So that I can wake up early the next day. And not to mention, improve the damn skin on my face. Hahas. It's been working well so far, I've rarely slept after 12am. And I really should hurry up with this post so I can get some studying done and go to bed before 12 again tonight. Hahas. Well, before I stop with my talking about work. I'll just like to say a final thank you to everyone who has worked with me the past year. Been a friend. Been a mentor. Been a guide. Been a guardian. Been a colleague. Thank you all and it has been a wonderful journey. I do hope we keep in touch and meet up again! I will surely come back to visit you guys! And I promise, I'll get that oven and bake cookies for everyone!

You might've noticed that my last post was in a total different format. That is because I blogged from my phone. It was almost 12 and I didn't want to turn on my computer. Simply because if I did, I would have never got to bed even by 1am. Even if my eyes were already closed! I don't know what else to say about the previous post. Talk about regret. Talk about a missing friendship. Talk about him. I don't really know how much regret I feel over the choice I made. The choice to leave. Right now, at this point in time, with me sitting in front of the computer and typing. I feel like it's the right choice to have left. Because there was absolutely no reason whatsoever for me to have stayed. There was simply no incentive and my survival instinct kicked in, I could say. Which idiot would've really stayed just to be hacked down with words and looks without a single chance to breathe properly? And then. There is the point in time when I see you. You don't even look at me anymore, you know. And I wish I didn't leave. I wish I still had the right to run up to you and hit you just so you'd smile and pretend like it hurt. To ask you why you look sad. To ask you about your day. To ask you about your life. When I see you walking, I turn around and walk in the other direction just so I don't have to test my self control. Those times are when I am filled with the deepest feeling of regret. I regret walking away. I regret leaving. I regret not pushing you harder to be your friend. But there really is nothing I can do now right? All I can do is just watch you from a distance and hope you smile again.

My work is sitting patiently beside me, waiting for me to take notice of it. It is almost 11.11pm and my conversation partner hasn't returned. I don't think he will be coming back. But it's really ok through, he hasn't talked to me since he returned from iraq anyway. You would think that once you've given up on someone loving you, they wouldn't have the power to inflict anymore pain on your heart. Hahas. It still seems that whatever part of my heart I give away, is still connected one way or another to the actual thing. And it still hurts when you step on it. Ok, I'm not going to go into detail and try desperately not to cry. I'll let the tears out later, but now, I'm an independent girl who doesn't need a man (: Thanks for dropping by again! I will try to post every two days or so. I'm hoping I won't have the time, which means I'll be studying more. But I still do need some relaxation from life and everything, in general. Till next time, miss me.

Amanda Loves You, She Really Does.

Amanda remembers.

Good Night.

I'm well beyond pissed at the moment. I was blogging, just about a second ago. And it all disappeared simply because my phone decided to screw with me. See, that is precisely the reason why I need a better phone. I'm so tempted to get the N81 instead of the SuperNova series. And then comes in the question of money and I've decided not to buy a new phone.

What happens when you promised yourself that you wouldn't regret. And when the time comes, you didn't know it'll turn out like this and you're filled with regret? I've given up on us as a couple, you know. Sure, in my goodbye letter I said I still felt something for you. But who doesn't still feel for their crush? Albeit I said it felt like more than just a schoolgirl crush. I just want a friend. I've always wanted a friend in you. You said we would be friends and I trusted you. I can safely say that I was sorely disappointed. So what are you doing to me now? Are you trying to mess with my mind or are you just back revisiting your roots? I'm pretty selfish aren't I? Wishing your return was because of me. Maybe it isn't, maybe it is. But probably isn't is it? It feels like we're back at the beginning except we're not. We're not total strangers anymore. We're strangers with a past, if that's even possible. But anything's possible in the world isn't it? Maybe I'll see you again next week. But I promise I'll pretend like I don't know you. And that I'm smiling so much is because suddenly, there's this cute boy whose appeared from no where and has caught my attention. Or maybe, it's not because of you I'm smiling. It's because of the people who never let me down, who always encouraged me, who were always there for me. I'll try not to cry for you anymore, because you're not worth it. Especially since you didn't cry when I left. You didn't demand for a reason why I left. You didn't care enough did you? I don't know. I don't know you. I shouldn't know you. Lest your precious girl hears about it.

I should go to sleep now. My eyes are almost closing and my fingers hurt. It's not entirely conducive to be typing on a small keypad when your eyes are as small as rings. So, I'll head to bed now. Or rather, I'll close my eyes and try to sleep. Thanks for dropping by! I promise I'll try to be happier and give you a more, interesting post the next time I come on. But for now, I shall close my eyes and dream about my prince. Clothe in a dark cape with eyes you could drown in. And who loves me, for me.


Amanda loves you [:

She's back!

Good Evening.

Wow. It's been a month. Well, slightly more than a month if you're keeping track of the number of days. And since my last post, another long list of things have happened. Not all were upsetting, I must say. Although, I think majority was, unfortunately. But I'll just skip through those and we'll dwell more on the happier events. After all, I've already given up the depressing path. Life's too short to be unhappy too often.

One good thing that has happened is that, I've started school! University. The day I thought would have never come. I made it, can you believe it? I always thought I was going to be too poor to actually be able to start University, but here I am now. And although I know it's going to be a tough three years ahead, I'm still happy for the moment. Because really, if you've got nothing to be happy about, life wouldn't be worth living. So, since the day I first started school, 2nd August, till today, 31st August, I must say that some of my views on school life has indeed changed. For one, it's not as easy as it looks. Yes, I know I've been telling almost everyone that it feels like a breeze and all I need to do is concentrate and I'll be able to do it but when the sun sets, and I think about my whole academic year, it is a little frightening. More than monsters in the dark. Unlike previous examinations, we've only got one test run, a few weeks in between and then, it's the real thing. I've actually started on some tutorials for certain units and I'm so afraid that when the exam comes, I'm not going to be able to do well. Simply because I have been out of commission for so long. Oh so long. A year and a half. No, I'm not going to let this get me down because, like Ms Yip used to say, it's all in the attitude. I'm going to struggle through, ask loads of stupid questions and torture myself with exam questions if it means that at the end of the day, I'm going to be able to do well in my final examination. And if you're caught in the crossfire, I apologize in advance.

Along with a new school comes new friends. And I think maybe, just maybe, this time it's going to be different. Yes, I'm going to try and be more understanding, tolerant and to maybe slightly more trusting. No one really can live on their own, and I'm definitely not going to be the first person to try and achieve it. What else can I say? The outings have been fun even though I have fallen into the trap of just, falling back into myself. But I got over it. Now, I just need to carry on and look forward. No more looking back, at least, not so soon.

I saw someone unexpected the other day. I couldn't believe how fast the memories came flooding back, the dreams, the conversations, the tears, everything. It's pretty amazing I didn't implode on the spot. It would've been a messy affair. Anyhow, I don't think I'm going to write it down here. I mean, who I saw. Although I can safely say something here, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts just to look at you. It's been what? Almost a year since I last talked to you? Almost a year. I'm silently glad I decided to not wear my glasses that day. Still, I could remember how you looked and it hurt so much. I don't hear about you anymore, because I don't talk to anyone who knows you. I don't see you anymore, because I don't frequent the places you frequent. I don't think about you anymore, because I've buried you at the bottom of my heart. Why did you have to drag everything up just by appearing? Couldn't you have not come, like how you did every other week? I can't blame you, I never could blame you. I left because I didn't want to face the fact you never stood up for me. I left because I couldn't blame you for leaving me to fight my demons alone. I left becuse, because the little girl in me wanted you to acknowledge me. You never pushed, you never asked, you never questioned. I told you to drop it, and you did. A good friend? I don't think so, not really. Maybe I wanted you to not want to lose me, as a friend. But I left right? And I'm not going back again. I would've hurt in silence if you had protected me, even for a while. But you didn't, and so, I'll just carry on my life now, and maybe, if we do meet again in the future. Maybe.

Great, now that has totally destoryed my mood for blogging. Anyhow. This is going to be my last week at work. I'm elated, devestated, excited and just overall, a mixture of emotions. Most of the letters haven't been written, but I will get to them soon. I have to, without a doubt. Ok, my mood is seriously down the drain. And there's no one to help me pick it up again. Guess I gotta find my own way, this time. Well, thank you for dropping by. I promise, I will come back in only a few days time. At most, a week. I will make blogging a weekly routine and yes, I'm going back to my maximum one post per day. So you know, if I see anything interesting in school, I'll come and tell you all about it. So, sit tight and wait for more of fun, interesting events in the life of amanda! And since, Christmas is around the corner [only another three months away], I'm going to update my wishlist. So, get me what you will, it's all there! Till next time, take care, be good and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Amanda Loves You (: