Good Morning.
Yes, I decided to change my font. I thought it would be a nice change. I'm going to be typing after this post. It's about time I started working on my stories. I guess it doesn't matter if no one reads them, or if no one leaves reviews after reading them. Writing gives me a kind of freedom to do things, I might probably never do in real life. There's something out there that gives us all a unique sense of freedom which nothing else in the world can replicate. Before starting on this post, I actually had a post already written out. It was choppy and very much just spilled out like water sloshing out of a bucket. Carelessly and without much thought. So I thought I'd change the font and take a different approach. After all, mother just left for work, and I've got all the silence in the world to contemplate about what I really want to say. That and what has been weighing on my mind ever since so long ago.
First and foremost, I finished a three movie marathon with my mother earlier this evening. Gabriel, The Notebook and Underdog. It was truly a thrilling ride, just from the changes in the genres of the movies we had watched. I admit, the only reason I picked out Gabriel was because I have this sudden fascination with the history of the Church. Everything in the synopsis talking about the seven Fallen Angels and seven Arc Angels made the movie a definite choice when we were picking out movies. The first thing that struck me about the movie when it started was the number of curse words flying out of the actors' mouths. Only after I looked at the case cover did I realize it was a M18 movie. Well, it's a good thing I'm way past my eighteenth birthday. The twist to the story was not something I had expected although it was predicted by mummy nearing the end of the movie. That's what happens when you're not in a movie theatre, you can speculate out loud about what you think is going to happen and there's no one around to shush you. Plus, not being in a cinema theatre erases the guilt one would have when talking out loud during a movie. I would tell you the twist here but if you are really that interested, I suggest you borrow the movie. And please, watch it with an open mind if you are a religious person. Don't sue me if you don't agree with the movie, I wasn't the one that insisted on the movie being made and I didn't force the movie upon your eyes or your mind.
The Notebook. I've heard a million and one stories about the movie, and the book. I've missed it about twice on Channel5 but I did catch the ending of it once. And that was enough to make me want to watch the movie. The last time, when I only caught the ending of the movie, the reason I didn't want to watch it wasn't because I didn't have enough time. Or that I would have rather played a game on the computer. It was simply, because just watching the trailers on television made me think of Johnny. I didn't really know what it was about. And yet, it made me think of Johnny. It was a few weeks ago, or maybe a month ago in February. When I just found out Johnny was back from Iraq and he still hadn't tried to contact me. Still, watching it today made me think of him. I wonder, if whatever happened between us was even something. I think I did though. I did love him because if I didn't, I wouldn't have agreed to the relationship. And yet it was different from all the previous relationships. There were the butterflies, the silly smiles, the declarations of love but the only thing missing was the overflowing and overpowering sensation of love when I was with him. I felt happy, I felt contented but I didn't feel like I could never live without him. Look at how I coped when he left, without so much as a goodbye kiss. I smiled at his picture, I prayed nightly for him, I hugged my pillow and thought of him. But after a while, it just felt like he had left and there wasn't much of a big deal. Even seeing him online while at war, talking to Chris, waiting up for him. It seemed more like a chore you'd do without complaining but if you had a choice, you'd rather not do it. And then, there were days I'd cling to the idea of being in his arms again. To hear him say he still loved me. To believe that he never left and that it was all a dream I was going to wake up from. There are still days when I wish I could ignore the soft whispers my heart emits and just fall back into trying to fall in love with Johnny again. To pout, to whine, to frown just to hear him say he loves me. To blush, to giggle, to smile when he told me how beautiful I looked. To just fall back into the routine of being in a relationship. The silly smiles during the day when you think no one is looking, the way your world is perfect the moment he comes online, the overwhelming feeling of contentment when you're talking to him. And I don't know, I don't know if I want to go back to that when I could just move on. There is still that flame with him that I haven't explored and I know I do. I want to see how it could be if I had waited, just one day, for him to tell me he loved me and that he wanted me by his side instead of being with Johnny. And with almost everything crashing down around me, I'm not sure if I can wait for him without losing my mind or giving up on my heart. So I wrote Johnny a letter. A short message telling him I missed him and that, that I think I still love him. We will see how things go from here, and then maybe I'll decide. Or maybe, maybe I'll just try and be by myself.
Another unexpected punch to the gut or heart, would be my sudden realization today. That maybe, I might've actually loved someone who never knew I did. After all, I did tell him I didn't love him and would probably never, ever, love him in the way he claimed to love me. But it is in the past now, he's in my past now. It really doesn't matter how much I want to walk up to him and tell him I didn't mean half the things I said and apologize or how I wish he'd be true to his word and force me to talk to him until I bared my soul because he's in my past. The past that I'm so desperately trying to leave behind. So you might be wondering why I am bringing this up now when I want to leave him in the past. It was because I spent a hour and a half staring at him. Initially it was simply to get under his nerves and maybe make him realize what he's lost when he took her word over mine or when he didn't have enough faith in me. And then I realized that I would never get to hug him again. I would never get to call him just for the fun of it. I would never get to try and jump on him just for the fun of it. I would never get to do all the things I wanted to do or see with him. The Sunday afternoon conversations. The early morning conversations that left me laughing and him, clueless. Maybe then I did realize that the day I went to Nick's place for a CNY celebration. I would've said yes, if he had asked me to be his again. But, it's all in the past now. And since I am desperately trying to let go of my past, I should stop staring at him just to annoy him shouldn't I? Maybe there are things that are meant to stay in the past, never to be brought up again. Maybe what we could have had should never be thought about again. Simply because out of all the times we reached that fork in the road, I always chose the friendship path and you never objected. It is for the best that what we had is left in the past, because now, I know you'd never look at me the same way again.
It hurts knowing someone who left you, is over you. The only way it can get worse is if you realize you're still in love with him. No, I'm not still in love with him. The one that broke my heart over his mother's. I did realize though that I hate his new hairstyle. The mop on his head that he calls his hair doesn't even look in anyway flattering to him. Or maybe, just maybe, I prefer my guys clean cut and tousled. The only reason he's getting blog time is the fact that it hurt, when Jessica pointed out that maybe he doesn't care about what happened anymore. I mean, maybe I should've realized he was just a boy when he ended it and that, it really was never going to work between us. It's just, some wounds cut too deep and will never fully heal. No, I deleted the e-mail the day I sent him a thank you card after I started seeing Johnny. I figured, he didn't have a right to make me feel worthless anymore. Because if anyone who does make you feel worthless, really isn't worth your time or love. But the words wouldn't leave, the imprint is still on my mind. And unfortunately, it haunts me sometimes in the dark when the silence gets too much or the thoughts get too wild. This is enough blog space for him, I think. This chapter is closing. It has been closed since two years ago and I really should stop adding words to it. Sometimes, the more you write, the worse it gets. So, the next time I see you, forgive me if I scoff and turn my gaze. Knowing the way you lie so easily, is something I never believed until now.
It seems that today's post is mostly dedicated to the boys in my life. Well, they weren't all boys. Some of them are actually men, grown up mature men. There is someone else I would like to include here, but I don't think it is worth the effort. After all, I don't get anymore bad memories when I look at him. At least now, I can look at him and smile. For all the times he's made me smile. Maybe in another life, or another time, or another day, we could be friends. Possibly even lovers. But from here till then, we'll just be nothing more than strangers. And I'll treat you as nothing more than very appreciated eye candy. After all, wasn't that how I met you anyway?
The next big thing on my list of things to think about is my birthday. I did put forth the question on inviting her, or not. No names, not yet anyway. It's really nothing personal or has anything to do with NicholasCheang, although I do admit he does play a small tiny role in this, it's just I'm just learning how to stand up for myself and you're the first stand I'm taking. There was always the conflict there. Sure, we might've started out on opposite ends of the line and then ended up on the same side, almost glued together. That doesn't erase the fact you ditched us for a boy. Or how you lied to my face for him, for no apparent reason. The worst was cheating on the one person who possibly loved you more than life itself. I've never kept anything from you. I stood up for you against others. I did all I could for you, because I treasured you as a friend. Look at what I got in return. Sure, we're not suppose to expect anything in return when we do something for others. But I wasn't expecting you to hurt the people around me; the way they never hurt you. For all the memories we had, for all the pictures we took, for all the promises we made, for all the hugs we shared, I'm leaving them all behind. Maybe one day, one day I'd confront my demons and accept you for who you are and what you've done. But until then, I thank you for the times you've made me smile when I was down. The times when you've tried your best to cheer me up. The times you've made me glad I had a friend in you. Now, you're in my past. The past I'm trying to let go of.
It seems like a truth session. Everything spilling out; everything revealing itself. It feels good though. At least now, I know what I'm trying to do with my life. I'm already trying my best to smile daily and I hope that it will help on my outlook on life. There are a whole load of things that are going to be happening in the next few weeks. The University applications for one. It is almost going to be set in stone that I need to go back to CJC to get my certificates stamped and certified to be true copies. I am still at a loss for what to write for my three hundred word essay and not to mention, I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to apply for in NUS and NTU seeing as how they have the top three courses option. Despite this, I hope it will work out in the end. Even a small glimmer of hope can give rise to the blossoming of love. Ok, maybe not the exact quote about hope to be sprouting but what can I do when my brain is slowly shutting down? I guess it is back to less, brain stressing activities. I will blog again. Almost definitely when I am at home because I realized that I can not stand the computer I have at work. The keyboard is much to old and the keys hardly function properly anymore. I much prefer words to come out when I type and not gibberish that no one, not even myself, can understand. So before I do, I'd like to thank you for dropping by to take a read at my blog. Do leave a comment, so at least I know that I'm not the only one reading this blog. Take care of yourself, and God Bless!
Amanda Loves You (:
