Good evening.
This post has been long over due. Well, it should have been written the day I found the two e-mails lying forgotten in my lousy excuse of an online inbox. The two e-mails which I thought I had deleted but apparently I kept them. Maybe to remind myself that there might be a shred of humanity left in the people I used to love. So what sparked me to write this post today. Especially when I'm rushing for bed. It seems that my body has forbidden me to sleep less than 8hours each day. Although the waking up instantly has been a really exciting daily event but I'll get to that later, or another day when I'm not rushing to bed. Back to my reason. It has to definitely be the continuous non attendance coupled with my recent meltdowns. Not that I'm blaming anyone, because I am totally past that.
The non attendance. Frankly, I have no idea why that is bugging me so insistently. It's not like I'm responsible for the attendance. Although it would be nice to see some proper respect; especially when disrespect has so blatantly be shown in the recent months. I suppose it is quite pointless and dumb to note that only one is required during the weekday ceremonies. I suppose this should be the end of my case. Although I never understood why authority has really never been shown or acted upon people who require it but rather, on people who are not included under that authority. I suppose there are times when things should be left exactly the way they are, or at least the way when no one actually feels threatened. All this talk about change flying in the air and people in authority feel threatened when aforementioned changes take place. It is weird, is it not? So, since I've been enlightened that only one is required during weekday ceremonies, I guess this would definitely have to be scratched off my list. I do hope though, that as this weekend approaches. Someone thinks about what you're saying when you're pledging your services, and actually works toward trying to fulfil the pledge. After all, what's the use of having an installation if no one bothers to honor the society?
This post has been long over due. Well, it should have been written the day I found the two e-mails lying forgotten in my lousy excuse of an online inbox. The two e-mails which I thought I had deleted but apparently I kept them. Maybe to remind myself that there might be a shred of humanity left in the people I used to love. So what sparked me to write this post today. Especially when I'm rushing for bed. It seems that my body has forbidden me to sleep less than 8hours each day. Although the waking up instantly has been a really exciting daily event but I'll get to that later, or another day when I'm not rushing to bed. Back to my reason. It has to definitely be the continuous non attendance coupled with my recent meltdowns. Not that I'm blaming anyone, because I am totally past that.
The non attendance. Frankly, I have no idea why that is bugging me so insistently. It's not like I'm responsible for the attendance. Although it would be nice to see some proper respect; especially when disrespect has so blatantly be shown in the recent months. I suppose it is quite pointless and dumb to note that only one is required during the weekday ceremonies. I suppose this should be the end of my case. Although I never understood why authority has really never been shown or acted upon people who require it but rather, on people who are not included under that authority. I suppose there are times when things should be left exactly the way they are, or at least the way when no one actually feels threatened. All this talk about change flying in the air and people in authority feel threatened when aforementioned changes take place. It is weird, is it not? So, since I've been enlightened that only one is required during weekday ceremonies, I guess this would definitely have to be scratched off my list. I do hope though, that as this weekend approaches. Someone thinks about what you're saying when you're pledging your services, and actually works toward trying to fulfil the pledge. After all, what's the use of having an installation if no one bothers to honor the society?
The two e-mails that I discovered about a week ago. Ah, it was the bittersweet tinge of pain at the edge of my heart as I read the words. I unfortunately cannot quote any heart warming phases or words because I deleted them immediately after I read them, twice over. After all, who needs memories of someone telling you that God loves you and yet turns his back on you? After all, has his whole family not turned their backs on me? But it did, I must admit, bring back mostly bad memories of the place I had once looked forward to go to. It's pretty funny how I still remember how moist the air was the day he approached me. Convinced me that to continue my life without a proper education in Christ was absolutely being ignorant of my rich faith. Ok, maybe in not so many fanciful words but that was mainly the gist of it. I rejected, once, twice, three times. And the following Sunday, I found myself sitting among people I had never met before that day albeit a girl, who I still remembered as one I thought I had found a friend in. It's rather funny how things spiraled out of control from there on out. Maybe if I had put more thought into my organ lessons. Maybe if I had put more effort into my studies. Maybe if I had put more thought and consideration in grooming my friendships. Things might have turned out differently. And half the things that I've said in this post and on this blog, would've never crossed my mind or passed my lips. And yet, maybe, deep down. Really really deep down. I'm glad that things happened the way they did. I mean, things of past do shape who you are now. I can't particularly say I'm unhappy with the way I am now. And truthfully? I would rather be alone than with friends who'd take a nanosecond to consider spilling your darkest secrets to further their gain in life. All right, maybe not that vicious. Vicious they are, I must say, but maybe not that vicious as I've bias-ly made them out to be. So I suppose that maybe, maybe turning up that day, although leading to many, many, many unhappy moments between then and now, it has, in a way, made me who I am today. Still, that doesn't stop the tears or the dull throb of the pain when the memories resurface. Because I cannot say that I did and still do wish that somethings did not turn out the way they did. Well, there really isn't any point crying over spilt milk is there? I'll just have to smile, nod, pretend. Smile like I haven't got a care in the world. Nod like nothing would ever affect the happiness surrounding me. Pretend like I'm still the bubbly little girl you met four years ago.
Unfortunately, it is 11pm and time for this little girl to head to bed. I will try to blog tomorrow, if I get home on time. Of course, after my shower and everything. I don't have much else to say, really. What else can I say without wanting to burst into tears? So, I'm off to bed. I'll check back soon, and let you know what has been going on with me. Because there have been other more exciting news aside from church news going on in my life. I haven't really been able to talk to many people, because you know, that's how it is when you're a loner. So, I'm again holding back the tears. See you in a couple of days, I guess.
Amanda Loves You (:
