Trust, and life in general.

Good Morning.

It seems all my posts are done only when a quarter the world is asleep, while another quarter is having lunch. The other two quarters, I'm not very sure what they are doing. I should be in bed, yes, even if it is a Saturday already. Mother's still sleeping and I don't have the heart to wake her, but if I don't, she'll just complain about how we don't have enough money. Sometimes, I wish I could drive or at least find a good paying job. Hopefully with this new job, I'll be able to get us through. I'm still thinking of how to occupy my Mondays to Wednesdays. Anyone with help, let me know please? I'm almost desperate enough to do anything.

I just finished a movie marathon of sorts with mummy. Fast and Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Fast and Furious - Tokyo Drift. A few of the best shows I've watched in a while. It seems the racing fever has got us. We watched Death Race the other day. Caught Herbie: Fully Reloaded on Channel5 last Sunday. And now this three movies. The cars were really awesome and maybe, if it weren't for the traffic Singapore roads endure everyday, I just might take up driving. You know, racing for cash isn't so bad either. It's just, it's not exactly allowed in Singapore is it? Hence, there's no avenue to earn money. Right now, I'm regretting not going for the job interview for the F1 race weekend. Sure there wouldn't be a guarantee that they would've taken me but, I still had a shot right? Anyway, let's not dwell on that anymore shall we? I made my choice, let's move on. So watching the show, something from the last movie struck a chord with me. A quote, which is pretty much a good quote to keep by yourself for the long run.

Life's simple. You make choices and you don't look back - Han, Tokyo Drift

If you think about it, it really is that simple isn't it? The hard part is sticking to your choices and not looking back. How many of us really makes a hard decision and not look back? I've looked back a million times, even if it wouldn't really change the past, I still look back. Isn't it only in our nature to long for something unattainable to us? I don't know, I'm just throwing out random suggestions. Maybe I should, start today, to make the choices I want and to not look back. No matter the outcome of these choices. I also need to stop looking back on my other choices. Frankly speaking, I don't know if I can. Did I mention, I'm talking to ST and BT again. The two people I thought I would never talk to again in my whole life. I admit, it's easier to approach a person online than it is to approach a person in real life. Maybe that's why I flourish better on screen than off screen? I don't know where this is going. I don't really want to know either, because then it'll only mean I'll have to make a choice of where and how I want it to go. I rather just sit tight and hold on. The ride's more fun that way, don't you think? I'm not sure about you though, EW. Can we still be friends when all we can do it talk online and never see each other face to face? I don't know if I can, so maybe I wouldn't try. After all, maybe you've already forgotten me. I should put all my efforts into forgetting you too, don't you think?

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough - Frank Crane

Someone else told me something about trust too. I'm not sure if this is the quote word for word but, here it is. Trust cannot be earned; it can only be lost. What do you think? I think it's true. The person who said it, he said that we should trust everyone we meet. Not limiting our trust to how we first percieve the person but instead, trusting that person despite of what our initial impression of that person is. I've actually tried it you know, when school started. So far, it's been quite good. I've smiled at random strangers, not that I didn't before this but yeah. I've made a few new friends, within the OG and outside the OG. Now, I just need to find a way to get myself through it all. It's good to have friends isn't it? But what happens when you realize that you can't stand some of the friends you've made? That just by being beside them, or seeing them, you get annoyed beyond reason. You're trying so hard to keep it under wraps, but knowing you, someone is bound to notice it sooner or later. What do you do? I don't know what to do, except to act like I'm perfectly all right and play along. Another outing is coming up. I think it'll be a good trial run for me, don't you think? Except now, the only thing stopping me is myself and the need for money. It's about $10 for the food, I'm not sure about the bicycle rental. I really don't mind learning how to cycle, you know. It might be fun. And then myself. I don't know if I can endure another day like the last outing we had. I just, don't know. Or maybe I've just become lazy with staying home all day. I need to start getting myself to do some work aside from sitting in front of the com daily.

Ok, my mind's not working. I'm sorry. I was hoping to give you a better read. If it helps any, I'm planning to write another song fic. Hopefully it'll come out more successful and totally like what I was thinking about. Thanks for dropping by, I'm going to crash.

Amanda Loves You Lots [:

Acceptance.

Good Morning.

I know I should be in bed and I will be there in a matter of minutes. I just needed to type out this post because. Simply because. It has been a tough day. My body seems to refuse to do anything I wish it would. The dreams wouldn't stop, my mind wouldn't stop working. Even when all the stars have gone to bed. Is it possible for a heart that is already broken to be broken again? Who am I kidding. Of course it is possible. My heart's already been broken more times than I care to count. Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept the fact that my heart has already been broken and would still be broken again in the future? I don't know. Can one really stop one's heart from being broken by another? If I kept my heart in a glass case and stored it away in a forgotten place. Wouldn't I still hurt when the boy who loves me, decides to love someone else because I'm too afraid to give him my heart? If I continued loving as I am, giving my heart away when I feel I'm in love. Wouldn't I still be hurt if he decides I'm not the one for him, and carelessly drops my heart? There is simply no way one can stop one's heart from being broken by another is there? I'm guessing, the only thing that one can do would be to learn how to pick up the pieces and be very good at puzzles. At least with a skill in doing puzzles, one might be able to piece back one's heart to it's almost perfect shape. I want you to keep my heart. I want you to keep my heart so that I would never fall in love with another man. I want you to keep my heart so that another could never hurt me. A whole night, I spent thinking up the ways I'll ask you. In one second, your words sliced up my heart, even before it was placed into your hands. You'll never take my heart, I know that now. It doesn't matter if you want to protect me because, can you protect me from yourself? I don't even know how to protect myself from you. I apologize, if I ever seem too cold or too aloof around you. I'm trying not to hurt you, I'm desperately trying not to hurt myself. I don't want to give my heart to someone else. I gave up once, one a boy I thought I could forget. I miss him and I miss what could have been. I don't want to give up. The future holds endless possibilities for us, doesn't it? Although you may never forget her, or love me, my heart, right now, is yours for the keeping. I'll be selfish, and take what I can now. So that on nights when I desperately need to feel you with me, I'll remember them and be able to smile. Let me have the memories, you can have my heart.

Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept that the one who has a place in your heart is her while I am merely a distraction until you're strong enough to face her? Wouldn't I be making a fool out of myself by letting myself be used? I could put an end to it. To stop being there when you need a shoulder. To stop being there when you need a time out from her. It would hurt me, definitely, without a doubt. Because, I would never talk to you again. If you're not dealing with her, or trying to get her back, you're in school. If you're not in school, you're online and possibly talking to me. Never talking to you again would hurt me, definitely, without a doubt. I'll miss you, terribly. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Unfortunately in my case, it's true to the very last stroke. How about I just let it carry on? I'll still hurt, without a doubt. One way or another, you'll point out how I'm just a distraction until you're ready to face her away. Your words, they'll cut like a hot knife through butter. Your words, the knife. My heart, the butter. In the end, I'll still hurt. Wouldn't I? It seems, I can never win against you. Do you miss me only because I missed you first? I cannot say what you replied me with didn't hurt. Let's not talk about her, I miss you. How can you say things like this? You think she's playing with you, I think you're playing with my heart. What can I really do about it? Either way, my heart's bound to be sliced up from all sides and I don't see anything that I can do to prevent it, unfortunately. I've thought about it, so many times, to tell you to stop talking about her. Then I wonder, what else are we going to talk about? There used to be teasing, flirting, laughter, jokes between us. Now it feels awkward because you know how I feel. You don't act like it, sometimes we fall back to how we were before and it feels so right. Then you say something to mess it up, and I turn my face so you wouldn't see the tears. How do I stop you from being you, when I love you for the way you are?

Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept that nothing I do will ever be good enough and that I should just give up? Time and time again. I do my best, I keep trying. Hopefully all my efforts would pay off in the end. Yet, you're still as stubborn as the first day I met you. Should I just accept that you're never going to give me a chance? I could, you know. Give up, let go, walk away. Then I would never forgive myself for not giving my all until I have nothing left to do something better for the people. I would, might, let down some people who have placed their faith in me. Most of all, I would've let myself down. I always thought that I would be able to weather any storm, simply because I am me. Walking away like this, wouldn't be me because I would never choose to walk away. I'm determined to never choose to walk away. I could continue fighting against you. Every week, every month, every year. Until you relent. Even the hardest rock will be weathered by water over time. But how much longer can I go on before I finally lose it? My control over sanity. My control over myself. My control over my emotions. As it is, I'm teetering on the edge of insanity just interacting with you. I don't know how much longer of your indifference I can take. I don't know how much longer I can fight you without losing my sanity. I keep thinking, I keep questioning, I keep wondering. I don't know who to ask for guidance. I'm so clouded by anger at you that praying doesn't help anymore. I'm so afraid that if I ask someone for guidance, I might end up screaming at that person for no reason. I'm already so unstable as it is. I've let up, somewhat, on thinking about ways to get you to let me do the slides. But how can I ignore the horrible slides you're commissioning? How can I just sit back and watch you do things the wrong way? I don't know, but it seems I have to. You're not going to listen to me, you're not going to listen to your peers, you're not going to listen to anyone but that small insignificant voice in your head that tells you you're above the rest. Maybe I should accept it and let it go. It's just, I'm not doing this without regret. I want to be able to do things in my life, without regret. I've regretted so many things before, I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting. But what do I do now? I don't want to lose my sanity, I don't want to give up.

Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept that I've already given up on us and should have no concern over what is going on in your life? Yes, I know I was the one who gave up on us. You were the one who let me down first. It seems so trivial now but, I knew, I would've given in to you if you had only fought for me. I would've thrown away my pride, my will, my decision, if you had only fought for me. All you had to do was ask me to stay, and I would have. All you had to do was ask me not to leave, and I would have. All you had to do was ask me to be your friend, and I would have. But the blame's not on you, it's on me. I walked away. Although the funny thing is, I'm not sure if I regret it. If I had stayed, I would still be waiting in the dark for you. Now that I've left, I only constantly wonder how you are. Or maybe, the thoughts only came back to me when you returned a month ago. I admit, I haven't thought that much about you when I didn't see you. I don't really know what I feel anymore, towards you, that is. I forfeited the right to care about you when I walked away. Why is it so hard for me to look at you now? Why is it so hard for you to look at me now? I wanted to look at you, to drink in the sight of you. I didn't do it, simply because I cannot allow myself to get drunk on fantasies again. I lost myself once, I can't afford to lose myself again. I think I should accept that we can never be anything more than strangers. Not in this lifetime anyway. Maybe in another life time, maybe in another dimension. I don't see a future for us, in this lifetime. Not even as friends. I hope that if we do meet again, in another life time. I'll be good enough for you, and that you wouldn't disappoint me again.

Right now, I'm lacking sleep. I will immediately hop into bed so, no long goodbyes tonight. Thank you for reading, I'll try to cheer up and give you a happier post the next time I decide to blog. Take care, and God bless.

Amanda Loves You Lots [:

The Makeover Inc

So here are the photos that I took at The Makeover Inc. They aren't in order and since it's already so late, I'm just too lazy to organize them. I posted the photos here just in case you're too lazy too drop by the Facebook. Let me know what you think!

I think the photographer was trying to go for the 'lounging on the beach' pose. I think it actually came out quite nicely. Although I would've preferred if I was lying on a sofa instead of against an ironing board. I'm guessing they had to make do with what they had. Nevertheless, it was a good invention. I surely wouldn't have thought of it.

I probably wouldn't say this was my personal favorite although I have always wanted to do this pose. Gives you a relaxed feeling. Perhaps a feeling of longing if I wasn't smiling so much either. At least now, I know I can look good while lying on the study table!

Definitely have to be my favorite picture. I think the cute girl look does go with short hair, it might've looked a little funny if I had long hair. I might be thinking about printing this photo again. It's actually quite nice, with the extra space to the right side of the photo. A pretty nice shot don't you think? There is another one, at the top of the post. That was more of an up close one. It wasn't too bad either but I still prefer this one.

The only half body photo I took on my mother's insistence.

And that concludes the photos I got out of the makeover shoot. Only 12 because they charge $10 per photo. Well, at least I've got something to commemorate having short hair willingly. After this, I think I will keep my hair long and perm it like I always wanted to. Curls, they're my next stop.

To let it go or not to let it go.

Good Evening.

To let it go, or not to let it go. That, my dear readers, is the question. I always seem to quote some famous literature quote when I'm in a foul mood. Or if everything is just not going right. I can't say that, to say that would be a lie. A big, fat, lie. Today wasn't a bad day. It really wasn't bad at all. Although yes, I was late to school so I wasn't in time to hand up my economics assignment but there is always Wednesday! Everything after that really wasn't so bad. Even the burnt porridge was edible. The movie was great, the cinema was really empty! Although I think the guy sitting beside me was quite cute. Yes, he had a girlfriend. It wasn't like I was staring at him or anything. A girl can see a lot from just a few glances. Not to mention, I spotted a ultra hot pair of shoes on this girl. It was at least 4 inches, with the platform in front and it was red! Bright hot red. So pretty right? Yes, I dragged my mother out of the cinema hall, after the movie of course, to go look at the shoe. It was so pretty! Ok, after that, we walked into a shoe shop and didn't buy anything. I wasn't all that upset, the shoes really did feel weird when I tried them on. Anyway, then off to Diva. The necklaces there are really pretty! Especially the extra chunky ones. I really need to start dressing up, or at least accessorising. All my earrings are beginning to collect dust, as well as my necklaces. Opps! So after the movie, we went to get a drink. The Mango Chiller that I had today, totally sucked. I was pretty upset so I went back to have it changed. I didn't want to have a oddly tasting Mango Chiller so I decided to have a Chocolate drink instead. I wasn't disappointed! Although I really would've liked to have had my mango chiller. I miss it, badly. Anyhow, after we got our drinks, I went to see Sally to drop off my time sheet. The poor thing sprained her ankle. It must've been the high heels I always see her in at the office. Nevertheless, get well soon Sally! They are counting on you to find them a replacement for me! Then off it was to collect my photos! Trust me when I say the photos looked pretty awesome! If you wanna have a look for yourself, hop on down to my Facebook site. I'm not sure if you can see them without being a friend but if you can't, let me know and I'll send them to you some how! And after collecting my pictures, we went shopping! Ok, it wasn't intentionally. Really, seriously, cross my heart and hope to die serious.

The first buy was an overcoat of sorts. It's not exactly an overcoat and neither was it a shawl. It was more like something to drape over yourself without the intention of keeping you warm. We have been looking for it since forever and mother's pretty glad we got it. She's been complaining that I haven't been wearing my dresses since forever and hopefully with the overcoat, I'll wear them more often. I don't understand why she doesn't just give away the dresses when she's also complaining that my cupboard has no more space? Hahas. The wonders of your mother's mind, I'm sure it's something we will never understand. The next buy, was slightly expected.

A bag and a shoe, both from the same shop. Just before, we saw this really pretty bag on sale for $30. However! We didn't have cash so we decided to come back later. I was really intending to go back later to get it. $30 for a bag is actually considered quite cheap. I mean, considering it's a good quality bag and one that I will carry more times than one. We were walking past this shoe shop and I just caught sight of this shoe that was really nice. Yes, it was a pair of flats and it was something like a converse shoe. Except simpler and more childish looking. Anyway! The material on that one sucked so we went in and looked around instead. Mother saw this really nice small bag which had a cute design. Not a design on the bag but the design of the bag itself. I suggested that she leave it in her car so she wouldn't always have to carry around her huge bags. And since she has her car, she can leave the unwanted stuff inside the car instead of carrying it with her! Smart huh? Anyway, so we got that bag. We decided not to get the travelling bag although the heart designs on it were just to die for! There wasn't anything inside the bag to hold down the items you put into it so mother decided that she didn't want it. While she was deciding, I was looking around the shop. Amazed at how come I'm so attracted to flats all of a sudden. Then I saw these cute shoes that had a really simple design on the front. I was so happy that they had my size but once I wore it, it just felt wrong. Ok, it didn't feel wrong. There were stitching at the bottom of the shoe which I could feel so I decided not to get the shoe. Yes, my sensitive feet have come back to haunt me. But voila! I did find that pair of shoes that was my kind of thing and didn't annoy the living day lights out of my sensitive feet. hahas! Then, we decided to head over to OG just for the hell of it.

I admit, I was going through a withdrawal period from buying shoes so we zapped up from the shoe section to the clothes section. I normally don't buy clothes at OG or Metro because the sizes are too small so I thought I was save. Until, we spotted the relatively small lots of G2000blu and Dorothy Perkins. G2000 was having a sale of some tops so we looked through and found 3 tops which look pretty awesome. Surprisingly, two were yellow and one was white. I never thought I would actually buy bright yellow tops but I did today. The colours were actually quite bright and I was pretty happy to have bought them! While I was taking my time in the dressing room, mother was out and about looking at Dorthy Perkins items. We found a nice hoodie, after which we decided to just get some more stuff so we could get the membership card. We bought another dress, it was blue and really pretty. It's not that short but coming up to about mid thigh. A dress pants. Yes, you read correctly. Amanda has finally bought herself a pair of dress pants! And I got another pair of jeans! Pretty awesome don't you think? So, now I'm a happy camper with my new membership. My next birthday, I really need to start saving now. Hahas! But anything is possible right? Yes, anything is possible with God. So, in total, I bought 3 shirts, 1 hoodie, 1 dress pants, 1 jeans and 1 dress. I'm quite certain that I wouldn't be shopping in the near future or spending money for that matter. Now, it is time to work my guts out and save all that money to pay for everything else.

After that shopping trip, we had dinner at the coffee shop beside the hotel. It was a pretty cheap dinner, only $15! For two persons and a $1.50 drink. It really is awesome going out with mummy, we can share everything hence it's slightly cheaper. Hahas! Well, she does pay for most things anyway. So technically, I save! Hehes. After that, we headed down to church and that, my dear readers, is when everything just went down the drain. The meeting started off pretty badly. Not to mention, no one told me where the meeting was being held at. So first point, Amanda in the dark is a no no. Absolutely no no, I simply hate not knowing where I'm suppose to be. Taking into consideration I'm suppose to be writing the minutes for the meeting. I can't write a complete minutes of meeting when I'm running late for the meeting can I? Anyway, next, I was sitting away from the light and away from the main speaker. I'm so glad I decided to bring my file, other wise, I'll just have to learn quickly how to write off my thigh. It's pretty hard to bend down and write while trying to hear what the main speaker is talking about. At least with my file, I managed acceptably which I am thankful for. Then, we talked about the standardization of the PowerPoint slides.

It seems that you simply cannot take any suggestions, even when you welcome them. I suggest this, you throw back a stupid, idiotic reason. It is pretty obvious that you do not know the meaning of standardization. Or maybe you're not playing dumb, you just really don't know what standardization means. Nevertheless, I don't understand what you are doing anymore. Given I've never understood anything you've ever done. Be it out of the goodness of your heart or for your own selfish needs. You say we're doing this for the people of the church. Then why are you happy to commission such a lousy done job? You keep reminding us that you have added commitment at work and are hence unable to do much. You keep reminding us that he is a busy man and has to make frequent overseas trips. If that is the case, why? Why do you insist on rejecting help? If you can't do it, don't screw it up and push the blame on someone else. Or worse still, don't screw it up and write it off as nothing. Sometimes, I want to hit you so badly I literally see red when I hear your voice. Sometimes, I want to scream at you and ask you what you are doing. Sometimes, I want to slap you so hard you'll wake up from your fantasy world where everything revolves around you and your family. The only reason I don't lose my temper and walk out of the room is out of respect to the main speaker. I've lost all respect for you the day you decided to put all the blame on me. Frankly, I don't care if you find this. Because I'm sure, even your wife can tell you how much I detest you. I'm sure even someone who doesn't know either of us, can tell how much I detest you by our interaction. I apologized once. I actually regret doing it, because I didn't mean it. Not really. I admit, I only did it because he asked me to. If he didn't, I would've never done it. But now, no names, no places, nothing to link me and you. Unless of course you're a mind reader. But seeing as how dumb you act, I highly doubt you can be a mind reader. Should I let this go? Or should I hang on to it? For at least three months, I didn't join. Simply because I knew, that there was no way I was going to be able to talk to you like a civilized person. How do you talk to an uncivilized person civilly? So why did I do it? Why did I join? Because I thought that the one who was doing the slides was doing a mighty lousy job at it and wanted to help. Sincerely, earnestly, wholeheartedly. What did you do? Rejected me like I was worthless. I took it in stride, I went home, bashed up my pillow a little, cried a little, vented a little. Then I went back and continued to offer my help. Again, again, again and again you rejected me. It's not like I didn't have the qualifications. It's not like I didn't have the time. It's not like I didn't have the heart. You would've rather given it to someone who would brainlessly listen to you. Someone who wouldn't reject your suggestions. Someone who would wholeheartedly embrace whatever you said. I don't know what to do anymore, I've run out of ideas, steam and heart. What should I do? Give it up or continue hanging on? I don't know, I really don't know anymore. Someone help me please. I desperately need your help.

It's almost 2.15am. I really should be in bed. I'll just type a little more for the minutes before I send it off to him tomorrow or something, after I'm done with it of course. I don't want to be accused of being lazy or not doing my job. I'm not quite happy with being the one to do all the dirty work but what can a girl do? Especially when she's overpowered by men who only want to do what's good for themselves? I will probably definitely print out a copy for myself and maybe uncle James. I'll really love to see how much he modifies my minutes. I might bring the issue up, I might not. After all, we're not suppose to want glory, instead giving it up to God. I need to work harder, I know. Harder at not hating him. Harder at holding my temper in check. Harder at holding the tears at bay. But a girl only do so much can she not? Nevertheless, I'll buck up. Until I can decide what I should do. In the mean while, I'll fret over getting that job and my studies. God will handle the rest right? He always comes through for us. Take care. Sweet dreams and God bless.

Amanda Loves You [:

He Loves You Too [: