I wish the saying went, a sorrow shared is a sorrow disappeared. Sorrows aren't what I want to share these days because I don't feel very sorrowful. More frustration and blinding anger. You know when you get so mad, you feel your face turning hot, you start feeling light headed and this urge to scream as loud as you can threatens to overcome your senses.
Everyday, I toggle between feeling sorry for my granddad and feeling anger towards him. It is sad that he is going through this and also that he's losing his memory because I'm sure it's not easy living in a world where you feel lost and in pain and don't understand why. But the way he acts, and the things he does just make you so angry, all you want to do is lash out and hit something. The human response to someone who is ungrateful is to say fuck you and leave it alone. But we're not called to be human, but to be more like Christ.
It is becoming a routine, sitting here in the dark and crying it all out.
It is less than 24 hours before I have to face my extended family and pretend that I'm okay. That I'm not fucking pissed off that 3 out of 5 uncles and aunties I have, haven't really done jack shit but talk. Coming to see him for 4 to 5 hours a week out of a fucking 7 day week is not help. Preparing their medicine everyday, washing their toilet everyday, doing their laundry everyday, buying the miscellaneous items around the house they use. Apparently money appears magically and I've recently discovered that I'm a witch.
Never underestimate the power of a good cry. It is extremely detoxing and no one gets hurt in the process.
I'm now going to shower and wash everything away. Then I'm going to pack the red packets I need for this year. Then I will help mummy pack the red packets she needs. Then I'm going to plan my first set of Chinese New Year nails. Then I'm going to administer my granddad's night medicine. And finally, I'm going to binge watch you and not think about what tomorrow is going to bring.
Because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be roped into cleaning the house (only because I feel like I should pull my weight and not make mum so all the work on top of taking care of my grandparents) that my grandma is determined to make dirty by cooking the reunion dinner which she doesn't have the energy to cook.
I'm so grateful for my own room because at least i have a sanctuary in this hell hole that is my home.
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