Break time is almost over.

So, break time is almost over. My first revision class begins on 31st of March 2010 at 8.30am in the morning. It will be a long day because I have work after. I'm not really looking forward to it but then again, time spent with friends is always time to look forward to right? Not to mention, the children I see on Thursday that just make me smile.

I really should be filling the ice box but I think time is rather well spent typing here. An outlet for my emotions I suppose. and my mother's just returned with my dog. I think it's a test to how quickly I can type and pen down my thoughts.

Work's been awesome thus far. I can't actually imagine not working there, well, almost like how I couldn't imagine working anywhere else while in my other jobs. I'm not sure if it's the right kind of commitment to be making, seeing as how I got a long way to go or am I just a lazy kind of person. I mean, it's suppose to be good to be happy where you're at and with what you've got right? Anyway, I'm still hoping the student pool increases. Although the numbers at the moment are pretty okay, keeping everyone busy all the time. It is also on a positive note that my pay has increased! I think it will go to helping pay for school and other things that need to be paid for. I'm not planning to get anything new (just because my pay has been increased) but I am planning to save to splurge when it's my birthday. Though that's another thing altogether I think.

I've been forcing myself to study. I created this count down calendar which according to it, I have 45days to my first final paper and 62days before I'm officially free! Yes, I'm trying not to stress too much on the 62days because, 45days to get all I should know about ISORG into my brain? That in itself sounds like an impossible feat, but I will do it! (It's not like I actually have a choice, you know) So, I shall continue with forcing myself to study. I'm hoping the stress will wreak havoc on my body and it will like, lose some pounds or something. It might sound unlikely but, I'm really hoping!

On a more serious note, I have decided that maybe I don't really have the capacity to endure losing a friend I've tried my best to do everything I could to keep. I mean, I may still feel the lingering emotions as long as this situation isn't resolved but, I promise to try and be a better friend so I don't feel like this the next time something big happens. I wouldn't lose a friend over a disagreement to our difference in taste, I hardly want to lose a friend over a girl I can't even stomach. I suppose, until push comes to shove (meaning, you're FORCING me to meet her) I'd just lay back and try to strengthen our friendship. Because when your dreams fall apart, only the people who still remain are those worth fighting for. (I'm saying this with the image of inception in my mind, you know, when the dream which was created begins to fall apart. No, I've not watched it yet but I will! Maybe it's time to rediscover what attracted me to Leo all those years ago!)

Well, it is a Sunday afternoon and mummy's not working or doing anything else. I shall go spend my remaining of my Sunday with her before she starts work this evening. Thanks for dropping by and I'd try to write again soon!

The hardest part is admitting that the chapter has ended.

So, I've decided to take a break from self studying because I can feel the sleepiness creeping upon me. The only way I've been able to hold it at bay is by walking around the house, drinking tea (I'm forgoing my one shot of Baileys today) and texting people. My sincere thanks to those who have kept me awake until now to at least be able to churn out one and a half sheets of ISORG notes on the Data Model. Blasted thing it is.

The hardest part of doing anything, especially things that mean so much to us is admitting that the chapter has ended. I don't think returning to school to see my teachers or to help out in the CCA shows that I'm still unable to let go of school because I think, I have yet been able to admit that, that part of my life has ended and I really should move on. I mean, how do you move on from the best four years of your life? Although I admit that at that point in time, it didn't feel like the best four years of my life but I really wouldn't re-do anything, given a second chance, I think. It has been 7 years since I last left the school so maybe, with time, I've come to accept that the chapter has ended and I need to move on, and stop holding on so tightly.

The other chapters I've had trouble letting go off would be my time working at various places. I mean, I think it has more to do with my reluctance and fear of attending another interviews that I wish I could turn back the clock and return to my previous places of work. Some places obviously more so than others (I'm just saying). Even now, I'm dreading the time when I have to leave where I am working now, simply because the pay would not be able to help with all the things I need to do in life. Maybe it's time to learn how to talk to people (interpersonal skills) and to keep in contact with them even after having left the same place for working and obviously losing a large chunk of what you used to have in common. I do hope to continue to keep in touch with the people I am working with now, they are a really nice bunch of people to talk with and of course, work with.

Finally, the final chapters of relationships that I never quite got to write finish. I don't fancy myself as someone who does things and then leaves them hanging for the rest of the time, although I admit, I do that sometimes. I think there are so many things, relationships that I don't feel like I've actually let go off. I could go on and on about the many relationships I still wonder about, up till this very day but that wouldn't do me any good. Sure, it's always the new guy that helped to take my mind of things, especially failed relationships. I kept my nose clean for about a year before, and I'm hoping to actually hit the one and a half year mark or at least two year mark this time around. I mean, there's really no rush and I don't think I have any possible candidates. However that is beside the point, the point is, I don't actually know what point I'm making. Maybe I just want to get over it and stop thinking about it. I mean, I can't begin to fathom how many times my mind drifts back and wonders about the numerous 'what if's. Some relationships I admit, were a mistake on my part while others, I really wish didn't have to end the way they did, or at all. So I suppose, unless I managed to build a time machine, there is no way I could go back and right some of the wrongs I did, or do something that I didn't have the courage to do.

So what was the point of this post? There is no point. I guess I just needed somewhere to rant and where better than my own blog where no one ever comes to visit? I need to go for lunch now, and then work this afternoon. I like it when work becomes my escape from reality, even if it's only for three hours. I like it being able to let my creativity flow especially when marking the compositions. I really do need to start writing again, and reading of course, after my exams unfortunately. Well, I should go before mummy comes barging in here again. Till next time, you know where to find me! <3

The beginning of the most unforgettable event in history.

It's late and I really should be in bed. I've put this off for about, two to three days now. Every time the urge to write comes and before I actually get settled down in front of the computer, the urge vanishes into thin air. Just like the snap of fingers. I suppose it probably has to do with what I've been feeling lately. Frankly, I don't even know what I'm feeling. My mood swings are all over the place and they're changing so fast, it's kind of freaking me out.

Like I've said before, the long it takes me to gather the courage to talk about what I'm feeling about this whole mess, the quicker my courage deserts me and the harder it is to actually pinpoint what I'm feeling and to actually talk to you about this. My feelings on the matter were pretty clear in the beginning. Or so I thought. I did bounce from one side to the other as I heard both sides of the story but there was one thing that remained while I was trying to decide what I was feeling. That was anger and dislike which was bordering hatred. The thing is, I don't think I have any right to these feelings. I mean, I don't know. The fact that it took so long for me to be in the actual loop, despite what was said, it hurt. It also hurt that maybe, every person I thought could fill the role of my best friend, just doesn't want to be that. It's like, every person I tell 'hey, you're my best friend' just looks at me funny and says 'I don't want to be your best friend' I thought I gave up after what happened a few years ago but it seems, I really am a sucker for pain and hurt. But that's beside the point, because those feelings fade as they always do. Just because I don't want to hold on to these thoughts and lose the people I really care about. I made that mistake before (though, it felt like you really couldn't give a damn if I stuck around or not) and I didn't want to do it again. 10 years of friendship is plenty of time to let go just of a fleeting moment of insecurity. Aside from the anger, there was the dislike bordering hate. I don't even know you and yet I have this intense feeling of wanting to scream at you. Although it would be more apt to say I'd love to actually hit you. I don't think I've actually let go of this dislike and it's making me want to scream at one of the people I never thought I'd want to scream at, ever. But just like how it is with law, the longer you take to actually put forth a case, the lower your chances of winning. The longer it takes for me to talk to you about my feelings, the harder it gets for me to actually pinpoint or even tell you what I've been feeling. And just for the fact that I can't hold it in anymore, I'm just going to put it all out here. Right now. And if you think you'd like to talk to me, I'm sure you'll know where and how to find me.

I kept telling myself that it's very possible you didn't realize what was going on until everything started going wrong. I stuck with that through everything and I really believed it. Then things started to change the way I thought. Things I read, things I heard, things that weren't said. I mean, who does what she did if they had only friendship in mind? And my argument ends there. How could you not know? I don't think it's possible anymore and that is what scares me the most. I don't want to lose you, I really don't. I know, I probably have to come to terms with this on my own because, you'll probably never step foot here. Some times, I wish I could've done something. Like they say, hind sight is always 20/20 isn't it? I really hope this doesn't affect our friendship but,sometimes I dread to pick up the phone even to text you. And at other times, it's so easy to pretend and then everything just slams back into me when I'm alone. It sucks and I wish I wasn't a fucking coward who was afraid of losing you.

I hate that everything crashes down on you at the same time. It's only another 2 more months before I'm free from having to study and yet, I'm already feeling like giving up! The worst part is, I just want to give up and live the rest of my life doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. Right now, I hate it when people ask me what I want to do. Because if I really sat down and thought about it, I'd quit school and just be a bum. That's what I want to do and it scares me. Urgh!

I think I'm gonna partake in my nightly ritual of lying in bed wishing for a better tomorrow. Maybe I'd cry my eyes out again, and hope everything wouldn't look so bleak in the bright sun light.

Just a thought about life.

'The quicker you quit trying to be someone else, the faster you can get started on defining yourself.'

Nope, this isn't a quote from anyone famous. Just flowed through my mind while I was in the shower. Yes, I do plenty of multitasking in the shower. Hence explains why I take a really long time in there. Though I just realized, I never do like taking quick showers. I always come out annoyed and flustered. Anyway, I don't really want to share my shower time rituals, I'm sure everyone has their own. (Yes you too, stop looking over your shoulder.) This quote is pretty accurate though, isn't it? I mean, the quicker we stop trying to make ourselves into someone we admire (or at the very least, someone we think is good to act like or model ourselves after), the faster we can start defining ourselves and who we really want to be. Our goals, aspirations, aims, wishes, desires. Some people never have the fortune of finding themselves and at the end of their lives, they just, leave this world with regrets. Of course I don't want that to happen to me although at this point in time, as my dreams get dash like foam bubbles in the rain, I think I just might end up regretting every step I take in this life.

I don't mean to be melodramatic, although I think at times, I do enjoy it a little. So often I get pegged as the quiet girl that, sometimes, I just want to be that girl everyone talks about. Okay, I admit that sounded really shallow. For the sake of not hiding who I am (because frankly, I don't think anyone even visits this blog!), I'm just going to leave that out there. Although right now, I have a feeling that if anyone stumbles on this blog, they're not going to bother about me the next time I decide to actually throw a fit. (Damn.)

I really should be studying, which I have not. Yes, I do plan to get started after this post. And I am extremely annoyed that I can no longer study with music playing, because sometimes it makes it too hard to concentrate. And I think, the fact of the matter is that I think better when I'm singing, or at least listening to music that mean something (not just loud music banging away like it's the start of the metal age. I'm not dissing anyone, I just really get a headache with all those loud music, although I do enjoy Linkin Park.) Well, having said that, I think I will try to study with music tonight. I know I need all the motivation I can get when trying to study Management Accounting. I mean, at this point in time, I don't even know if I can answer ONE question in the examination paper. It's like, I'm so lost (about what I'm studying, although I have studied and well, the panic IS setting in.) and as I said, the panic IS starting to set it. Which really isn't good, at all.


Sometimes, I hate that my mind drifts. It floats here, and there and it just refuses to do or concentrate on what it is suppose to do! Sometimes, I think that the children at my centre are lucky in the sense that they can, digress or at least meander away from what they're suppose to be concentrating on without much of an impact or consequence. Having said that, this obviously does not apply to students who are taking their PSLE or the final 'O' levels. Though they do have me (and the other teachers, of course) to give them that 'stare' and say, "quick, do your work!" or "come on! Concentrate on your work." My mind keeps going back to writing. Although I really doubt I'd ever get anywhere. I mean, really, who am I trying to kid. I don't even think my English skills is that high to boast about. Though I still write, because, I suppose practice does make someone better at what they're doing (even if it doesn't make you perfect at what you're trying to do.) That, and I don't think I could get rid of all the plot bunnies running around in my head who continuously hump each other so more plot bunnies are being born. Okay, I'm sorry if that gave you a bad image but, I'm just saying.

What else do I want to do? I want to read, that's what I want to do! I want to be able to lie in bed, on a Saturday night and just read from 9 till 12 and then snuggle under the covers and go to sleep. I want to be able to curl up with a book for long hours, snug under my blanket and maybe, if I'm feeling thirsty, make myself a cup of hot chocolate. The only books or articles I read now are related to what I'm studying (not that I'm complaining, because they are helpful, in a sense.) and I can't snuggle under the bed because I need to make my own notes at the side. I can't slowly let my eyes roam the page and let my imagination run wild because really, how much more can you imagine about a management article? The board of directors all locked in a conference room (did I mention that they were cute?), discussing policies they want to implement, why they want to implement them and the possible final results they may achieve from implementing these policies? I didn't think so. So for now, I'll probably grit and bear it but once 20th May rolls around (and I'm done rebuking myself for not studying harder, I do it even if I did put in all my effort, although, I don't personally feel like I ever do. Yes, I'm a weird girl.) I'm going to have a book glued to my hand every week. I'm going to read ALL the books that I've recently (and not so recently, well, more not so recently because I HAVE NOT GONE SHOPPING! Well, since Chinese New Year anyway.) bought and maybe, just maybe, I'll re-read the Twilight Sage. Just for the fun of it. Well, and also for Edward Cullen maybe. Not to mention, I'd watch New Moon and Eclipse for Jacob, because (I'm sorry to say!) Edward IS too frown-y.

Talking about movies, I will also spend a majority of my time watching movies that I have not been able to watch. You might be wondering where I'm going to find all this time and guess what? I'm exactly in step with you on this thought. Everyone's saying I should start sending out resumes now, start planning my career. Would it sound really good for nothing-ish for me to say that I really don't care? Okay, not that extreme that I don't care because obviously I care about when I'm going to be able to help mum around the house and all that. I just, don't want to think about it right now. Well, I don't even know if I want to think about it then because, I personally feel that I suck so badly in my studies, that no one (although I seriously hope this isn't true) would even want to hire me! Of course, I'm talking about the profession that I'm suppose to be entering and not just any other job because I highly doubt I'm as undesirable for a job as I made myself out to seem. It's not just that I want to put this off as long as I can but I really do wish that I could take that 3 month break from work and just, waste my life away. Just for that three months. Yes, I'm insanely jealous when I look at the Facebook pictures of when people travel overseas. Despite the fact that I've been working since I started school and before that, I have no savings to boast about seeing as how I'm knee (possibly higher than the knee) deep in debts. I'm not joking when I say that if (yes, if and when) I get married, I'm starting an account if my husband ever decides he wants children. There are some things that children do not need to worry about, even if they are of age. I think I will remain with this job for a while now. If I'm extremely lucky, my pay will be increased before I actually stop working. That way, I'd be able to quickly repay the debts and well, start to save up for something special.

I know there are some people who are comfortable in crowds. While there are others who are comfortable just with a small group of friends. Though I find, I am most comfortable when I'm on my own. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. For the reasons that I'm terrified of being left out and realizing one day that, there's absolutely no one I can call to just hang out, or catch that latest movie or, even to ask for help. Most of the things I've mentioned above that I want to do, most of them are done independently. Sure, you can sit with someone and read (Yes, that is what I want to do someday, with that special someone) but I don't know. I like being on my own sometimes where I can sing without wondering if I sound really off key and awful. I don't know, some days I'm so afraid of ending up on my own. While on other (better, obviously) days, I feel like I'm meant to be on my own and I should just resign to my fate and not, hope for things that aren't meant to be. Seriously speaking, I don't know why I've been feeling this so much these few days. Maybe it's people around me talking about getting married, going out and finding a partner to spend your life with. Just today, I heard someone say that you need to fight for your happiness but, if you continuously seek for your happiness, can you really find it? Or should you wait for it to come to you? They say that when you fall in love, with the one that's meant to be, it'd be different from all the other times you think you've been in love. The only time I've ever felt that, was for a guy that didn't make me so crazy like all the rest did. He made me smile, he made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Then, I suppose dreams don't always care about what's going on right now to make an appearance. How could I hold it against someone for chasing their dream? I just wish it didn't mean that it was going to have to end. (Though, maybe it was my fault to a certain degree.) No, I'm not upset or angry because truth be told, I was really glad for that time. Because it made me feel that, maybe I was worth someone's time. That there was a possibility that I could be happy without trying to please someone else to love me. Ah well, what will be, will be right?

So, I think I should log off and get started on my Management Accounting revision. I've great plans, I just need to put them into action. And maybe, at the end of my life, I wouldn't regret as much as I would if I did not carry out every task with everything that I have. I probably won't be on for the next few days because guess what? It's preliminary week! Weeks to be exact since I've got examinations spanning two weeks. Well, I shall try my best and we shall see what happens! Until after my examinations, take care and I'll be back!

The funniest things happen at the most unexpected time

The funniest thing happened to me when I was on my way home today. You see, I had gone to one of mummy's friend's place for lunch. As such, I decided that I wouldn't like to have to rush off for work so I took off. While we were on the way home, I got a call from my boss which happened to be diverted to mummy's phone because my phone was on silent and I didn't hear a thing! When mummy's phone rang (and she has caller id), it showed that I was calling, since she had put my office number under my name. Both of us were like, what? Did my phone automatically call my mummy? Obviously at that time, we didn't realize that my office was calling. Anyway, I decided to switch back to my normal profile just in case the same person decides to call back, and she did! I answered the phone and said 'Hello?' and she asked, "Amanda?" So I said what any normal person would say, "Yes?" and then there was silence on the other line. At first I was a bit curious, I mean, who calls someone elses' phone, get confirmation that it is that person you are looking for and then keeps quiet! So I asked 'Yes, sorry, who are you?" and she said, while laughing "Angie! Where are you?" And that was when I realized that she may have forgotten that I wouldn't be going into work that day! Oh, it was so funny after clearing the confusion and I put down the phone. There were so many subtle clues and yet we didn't realize what was happening until it actually happened!

Well, today is officially the last day of the Chinese New Year celebrations. Which also marks the end of my wearing red every day plan! I know I told a friend yesterday that I was NOT going to wear red for the rest of this month but, depending on what I have to wear in my cupboard, I may just end up wearing some of my red clothes again. I personally think it's been a fun 15 days of the Lunar New Year. Yes, although I obviously wasn't really happy on selected days, I think on a whole, these 15 days has clearly been more well spent and in higher spirits than last year, or any of the years before. I only hope that this will be a good year, and that by Chinese New Year next year, I wouldn't still be in school. That I will hopefully have a higher paying job with equally nice employers and coworkers. I'm not even going to wish for a boy because every time I try, I just get ones that, I don't really want. Well, before next year arrives, I really have to put my back into it and work for it. For nothing comes without hard work, right?

The examinations are looming ahead and my final lesson for the year will be tomorrow at 12pm, ending at approximately 15minutes past 3pm. Although I should be strapping myself to the table (not the bed) to start studying, I really haven't purchased any material or will power. Though I do hope that I will get down to it and obviously not get distracted by the contest I'm joining on the 1st of March. Hahas. Nevertheless, a girl still needs to relax some times right? Though I promise, I promise I'll pull up my socks and try to start studying because I really need to. I mean, if I can do well even if it was an open book test, it means I've got the basic skills to answer the questions, right? So, all I need to do now is memorize the information and be able to apply it to the questions! Yes, I'm fully aware that I'm trying to trick myself into studying (like how a penguin tricked himself into jumping off the cliff) but, if that works best, why not try it or use it right?

Well, there isn't any use in drawing this out when I have nothing else to say. See? This is how dull my life is! Well, I think I'm going to join mummy in watching television before I do some of the MA readings this evening while she rests for work. Until the next time I come here and check back, thanks for stopping by!

An unhealthy obsession.

I have never actually heard anyone say, "you have a healthy obsession with _____!" I think, that may be because no one could have a healthy obsession with something. Simply because the word obsess itself is defined as such, haunt, fill mind of. If something fills your mind so well that nothing else can break through, how else could one continue with life if one can think of nothing else to do? So what exactly is this all about? I think, I have an unhealthy obsession. With whom, or with what, I shan't disclose because really, why do I want to tell you who or what I'm obsessing about when it would not serve any purpose in making the world a better place? Additionally, I'm sure if I did say who or what I'm obsessed with, we can forget about reading a nice post where I attempt to find back my love for writing (albeit nonsensical things) and just delve into the numerous things that upset and frustrated me as a result of my obsession. Hence, I'm not about to tell you what or who I am obsessing over.

I find that I am making more of an attempt to log on here and actually sit down and type. I mustered up all the self control I had last night to actually finish an MA article before I went to bed. I figured I might try doing it again tonight because I need to read the articles he gave us this week. It's pretty pathetic that I need to be faced with the threat of being thrown out of class to actually do my readings. Nevertheless, I am determined to at least try this strategy for the next few weeks until my prelim, and then thereafter as well. Just three months before I can totally lose it, so in order to ensure that I can lose it in peace without a guilty mind, I will attempt to give it my best shot and I hope, that will be enough for me to get past this hurdle!

It's funny that I'm already past my teen years, and yet, I'm getting this urge to rebel. I mean, I certainly didn't try it at the age of 16 until 19 because I was too busy try to hold myself together having been faced with annoying jerks in Junior College. Then I started working, and I certainly couldn't drop the job for my own selfish needs. Though now, it's almost a constant thought in my mind. Whispering when I let my guard down, screaming at me when I find I can't take any more of what is thrown at me. Though part of me still stands there, with her arms crossed and that unforgiving stare that tells me I know I shouldn't do it. And then another part that's curled up in a chair with soft music playing in the background that tells me I probably wouldn't be able to survive being a rebel for more than a week. Though I think my version of rebelling only includes clubbing every weekend, seeing as the other aspects of life seem too important to just turn my back on it at the moment. Ha. I think just with that very sentence alone, shows how much I probably wouldn't be able to stick to my altar ego for more than a week. Maybe as I said in my previous post, it's futile to try and separate myself from who I've become and any attempt will just end in disaster and possibly producing some very disastrous results. Still, it's nice to entertain the thought that maybe I'd pluck up the courage to relive the teenage years that passed me by.

It's quite sad that the writing bug hasn't really, bitten me often enough. Though I think with what my studies requires of me, as well as work and other social obligations, I wouldn't be able to drop them to sit down for hours and write, like I used to. I wonder how my characters would take to me when I finally decide to sit in the same room as them for long enough. Obviously I still wish for that happy ending, but I think, I think maybe I'm a bit cynical to know that not every story ends in a happy ending. I mean, my life experiences (or those that I've had thus far) has demonstrated as such. That people do things that benefit themselves first, without further or much consideration for the feelings of others. That certain circumstances, no matter how strong the bond is between two people, are really unmovable and do not provide any other roads to take. That some decisions, that once have been made, can never ever be taken back regardless of how sincere a person is, or how repentant a person is. And that, good does not always triumph over evil and sometimes, the good can never find its way out of the darkness. Sigh. I think I shall drop this for a while, and go back to writing when I know I have time for my characters. Because, I've been neglecting so many people that I feel like the most horrible person on this planet.

It's almost time for me to leave for church. I'm seriously thinking about bringing an article to read, just before mass and well, maybe when I'm in the car waiting for mummy to bring her things from the car to the taxi? Ha. Who am I kidding, I'd bring it but half the time, I'd be talking either to mummy or listening to music. Sometimes, music in my life seriously crosses a line but I could never bear to tell it to get lost. Anyway, I think I'd just paint my nails before Mass and take the opportunity to let it dry during Mass (just the base coat, I still prefer painting my nails at home where I can not do anything so as to not destroy my nails.) Well, with this goodbye, I promise I'll be back soon! I'm thinking if I should schedule my blogging days because obviously I cannot stick to my one post a day because my life (at the moment) is extremely dull. Well, just know I'll be back soon!

If time never moved.

It's amazing how my first post of 2011 is done while I'm still dressed from the day and crying my eyes out.

I think sometimes, it's futile to separate myself from who I have already become. It just makes the disappointment harder to bear when I fall back into the darkness. I know it's pointless, pointless to keep thinking back and wondering if there was anything I'd do differently. Skip out on Junior College and went to Polytechnic. Then, I wouldn't have met Natasha, and I wouldn't have worked where I met here. Which then means I wouldn't have started school when I did, or have met the people I know now. Although yes, I admit there are some of them whom I wish I had never met but, there are some who right now, I'd give the world for to keep. Then again, if there are some things you were meant to always have regardless of your choices, or people you were meant to meet regardless of your choices, would the choices I have made make a difference in who I have in my life now, or what I have now?

If time never moved, I think I may have kept myself forever at 19, or maybe 18. Just out of Junior College, thanking the heavens I survived school and at least managed to pass my examinations. Even if my marks were less than desirable. I'd be working and doing mundane things that at least I loved to a certain extent. Also, I think I might've still been in love with that boy who said he'd come for me one day. If time never moved, he wouldn't have joined the army and maybe, just maybe, he'd be the one who'd make me happy for the rest of my days. But then again, your happiness shouldn't solely depend on one person should it? Because if that person was taken away, your happiness would disappear along with him. But maybe he would have been good for you, you know. Sometimes, I still wonder if things might have turned out differently if he never left. But that's all in the past now.

If I could turn back the clock, I think I'd be back in secondary school. It doesn't matter that I had to go to school five days a week, every week for a month unless it was a holiday. Ten months a year, give or take a few weeks because of the term holidays. I'd even take back the morning runs just for the hell of it. I'd even take the turmoils of friendships that have left me scarred. There are so many things I'd suffer if only I could turn back the time to when things were simpler.

Things happen because of consequence or because some things cannot remain as they are for long. Some things happen because we didn't think we needed to do anything until it was too late. Some things happen because we are simply too tired to care, only to lament the situation when the dust has settled. Some things happen because we were oblivious to reality and simply wanted to remain in our contented world for as long as we could. The hardest of these things has to be knowing that things happened not because someone deliberately made a choice but because that person because of innocence caused something to happen that no one could take back. I don't know if it would be harder to accept that what was done, was done deliberately, consciously, or to know deep down in my heart, that you really did not know what was going on. Even saying it out aloud, or typing it out, or shouting it in my mind, I think my heart doesn't believe that you could not have known. How could you possibly have not known? It's almost an impossibility; yet, I'm still trying to convince myself that maybe, you really are that innocent or oblivious.

Too many things are bottled up. Too many things have been left unsaid. Too many things are thought yet never pass the lips. I want to say everything that's on my mind. But I know, when push comes to shove, I won't. Because I know that whatever I say, whatever that passes my lips, can never be taken back. And once I voice them out, they'll keep playing in my mind on a loop. And once everything is out there in the open, I don't know how it'll look once the dust has settled. I don't want to hurt you, I don't ever want to hurt you. I'd rather wrap my hand around a glass piece and take the pain than voice my pain and see your heart break. Maybe it's better if I just voice it out and deal with the consequences later. At least then, it'd stop from piling up inside of me. But I know I could never do it. I could never say something that'll hurt someone I love if I could stop it from happening. So what to do now? Smile, Nod, Pretend? I don't know, maybe.

I know what I've been missing the most. The only balm I know that can and will soothe my aching heart. Talking to people who live on the other side of the world. Just a few minutes and I already can't keep the smile off my face. It is times like these that, I just wish, I had the money to take a plane and fly over there. Just to say I love you and to spend time with them.

Well, I think I've been sufficiently cheered up. Things aren't settled yet, unfortunately. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know how I'm going to face my mother later. Well, I am going to try and get 4 hours of rest and then, maybe crash into bed tomorrow night. And i think, I shall start blogging again. If just to be able to write again, because it hurts when you let go of your first love for less important things in life.

Considerate: To be or never taught to be?

I've decided to check in here first before dinner. I think I'm going to suggest watching the long over due "Chicago". It has been sitting at the corner of my desk since the 5th of October 2010. Yes, that's an awfully long time for something to be sitting on my table. Especially considering I had borrowed it from someone. Today's thing that dumbfounded me the most was this, were we ever taught to be considerate to another person's feelings or have we just decided not to be considerate to another person's feelings? I take it that most of us are confident in the knowledge that yes, we were taught to be considerate of someone else's feelings in primary school. All those numerous Moral Education lessons. I don't know what they are calling it these days but those days, it was called Moral Education (ME).

Of course we weren't only taught to be considerate towards other people. It is after all, Moral Education. So we were taught to be morally up right individuals and so be able to contribute to society. But nowadays, I think we have begun to slacken in our attitude towards others. Yes, I still have faith in mankind. I'm not one of those who have totally lost it. Although I admit that not everyone I meet reaffirms this faith in mankind, I still believe that the few of us out there are enough to make a higher power think twice about destroying the lot of us. But our attitude towards others really needs to be improved upon. Maybe we should all be attending a monthly if not weekly briefing on Moral Education.

Many things around Singapore today point out the glaring fact that we, people in general, are not being considerate enough, courteous enough, friendly enough. There are the posters on every bus and every train that asks individuals to give up their seat to someone else who needs it more. There are those 'please give way' signs at the entrances of trains that encourage us to give way to exiting passengers. There are nationwide movements that encourage us to smile even! Why do we need this? I think it may have to do with the fact that we live in an extremely fast paced society. Or perhaps, because we also live in a world 'that never sleeps'. We're rushing from place to place, from job to job, from activity to activity. We fail to realize that in our rush to get somewhere, we might have accidentally stepped on someone, bumped into someone, failed to help someone.

I've read a story before, about how this teenage boy had cleared out his locker on Friday to go home. As students, we know that when the last bell rings on Friday, there is virtually nothing that can stop us from escaping the prison we've been forced into since the wee hours of the morning. Students ran, jumped, laughed, shouted as they ran out of classrooms and into the halls. They were bumping into him without a care. They did not care that as they bumped into him, he dropped all his books onto the floor. But someone stopped to help him pick it all up. And invited him to play with them since he was a fellow classmate. They became best friends. On the day that they were graduating from college, he pulls his friend asides and thanks him. For he had wanted to commit suicide during that weekend. He had cleared out his locker so his parents wouldn't have to do it for him. And if he hadn't stopped and helped him or invited him for a game, he wouldn't have lived to graduate from college.

How much good we could do if we took the time to spare a thought for the people around us. Though, yes I'm veering off topic. Just today, I saw a student tap his attendace and then left the lecture theatre. He did not even step fully into the lecture hall. That's not just being rude, that's also being inconsiderate to the lecturer's feelings. I mean, how would you like if someone did something to indicate to you that he did not want to even come for your lessons? I'd probably feel very offended and unhappy.

Well, it seems I can't drag on any further as life calls. I'd be back soon. I hope. Till next time! Toodles!

If we could turn back time.

If we could turn back time, it'd be two weeks ago Monday. When my first term break began. Yes, I don't really want to go back further than that because frankly, why would I want to relive my life all over again? I mean, sure I might do a few things differently, but overall, I'm pretty happy with how my life is now. Okay, with the exception of my work piling up. There isn't a physical pile on my desk but I assure you, the pile in my mind is already stacked too high and is dangerously leaning to one side.

But if we really could turn back the time, I imagine there'd be a ton of problems in the world and even more problems in our lives. For one, would we ever be able to carry on with our lives if we had lost someone who meant the world to us? Not just losing someone to death but losing that person in general. To another person, to an ideal, to an addiction. Personally, I've always wondered if there was something I could have done to prevent something from happening. From losing someone I cherish so much and did not intentionally want to lose. But I think, if I ever turned back the clock to try and change something that had happened in that first instance, I might have missed out on plenty of things in the future and which I am totally grateful for now. Though I'm sure not every one shares my sentiments.

Turning back the time to elevate your status or position in life now. Now, that's an enticing thought that I don't deny has crossed my mind millions of times. Perhaps even slightly more than a million. I'd like to think that even if my financial position in life has changed, I wouldn't change who I am. But we'd never know, would we? How often do we say this or that and when things really come to pass, we never do what we said previously? It might be harmless to try and turn back the time to say perhaps, allow myself to win the lottery. Now, take that thought and multiply it by the number of people who wish the same thing. I don't think everyone is going to step into line and say 'All right people, let's make a queue on who will win today, the next day, the following week, excreta.' I'd like to think we could be that civil, but no, I don't think we could be that civil. Imagine the fights, the arguments, the fallouts (I don't understand why isn't there a plural for this word, nevertheless.). It might be worth it to some but for me, I think I like being at peace with the world.

Being able to turn back the time is something that I think, most people sought after. Well, unless they are extremely contented with their lives now but even then, I'm sure there is one thing in your life that you'd like to change. But seeing as how being able to turn back time is not something that is going to be invented soon or is likely to be invented soon. Maybe we should aim to not regret our lives, or what we do with them. To treat your friends as if you're never going to see them again, or something's going to take them away. To treat the ones you love with respect and shower them with love, whenever you can as if you're never going to see them again. To think about your enemies and what made you enemies in the first place (especially if you were friends in the first place) and maybe try to recover the relationship as if you're never going to see them ever again. Instead of wishing for something that we know might never be, we should try and make it so that we never need to wish for something that might never be.

It's a brand new day

That statement has both a literal and figurative meaning. It's 1am on Tuesday morning and I am still up. Please don't ask me why, because I doubt I'd be able to answer you. It seems I have abandoned my 'sleeping early' routine for my constant late nights now. This is really unfortunate, but I am still thankful I am able to wake up early when I need to. Well, that is only when I have a class to attend at 8.30am in the morning. Figuratively, it's been almost 11 months since I last updated this blog. It has also probably been that long since I last sat down and wrote for any non school purpose. Yes, I shan't blame work or school. Although, life has played a big role in keeping me away from my stories and my love of typing. That's about to change now though. I will try, with my very best efforts, to update this blog on a daily if not weekly basis. I promise, this won't be like the last few hundred blogs you've visited. I promise I won't rant and rave about how good (or bad) my day has been or my week even! (Although I cannot promise you how far that will be enforced, seeing as how I like to share the funny (not bad) moments of my day with you) I'd talk about something that surprised me, disgusted me, amazed me and maybe, even left me feeling questionable. However, with that said, I really should be going to bed. The duty of studying calls tomorrow morning and I am feeling tired. Also, I hear the rustling of plastic bags in the kitchen and by no means do I wish for my grandma to come in here asking me why I am still awake at 1.12am! So, with that, I shall leave you with a promise to be back soon!

Everything's ruined when you're sick.

My whole idea of today's blog has been shot to hell with my foul mood. Well, not entirely. I can only breathe through one nostril, it is pretty frustrating. The fever has finally broken and I hope it doesn't come back to haunt me, at all. The coughing and nose dripping is still pretty awful, and I'm trying to cope as best as I can. I've got a few things to do tonight first, and then off to bed with me. I'll try for a longer post another day, I'm really feeling horrid as it is. Sigh.

The most ridiculous part of my life.

The most ridiculous part of my life - Grandma


Sometimes, it really is a wonder to talk to my grandmother at wee hours in the morning. Because then, you never know what she's about to say. Yes, I should be in bed because I need to be up at approximately 6.30am and leave the house around 8.30am to reach the air port at around 9.15am. Aunty Alice is leaving, and it was only a week ago that she arrived here in Singapore.


Yes, I'm extremely sad to see her go, but I know she must. Already plans are underway to save enough to go visit her next year, maybe I'll take a short trip to the USA to visit, you know who. I've already planned that to wear tomorrow, and I will definitely be taking a tons of photographs. Oh, that reminds me I need to charge my camera batteries lest they die on me tomorrow while taking an important photo. There, charging my camera battery and my phone.


Nothing really interesting happened today. Same old routine on Thursdays, school, work and, well. It was to Aunty Alice's hotel room this evening, chatted with her for a bit before heading home. Ok, maybe another surprising thing that happened today was talking to my Grandma. Just thinking about the stuff she said today still makes me laugh. Hahas! I'm not really up for repeating what of what was said because that just brings back some memories, that I'd like to keep in my head for me and me alone. Still, I really wonder how some people can be so blind. I mean, yes, love makes us blind and it's really wonderful to be in love. But, doesn't being in a relationship means that you have to give and take? I mean, it looks really tired to always be the one whose giving, and giving, and giving and giving. I should know right, hahas. But jokes aside, I still don't understand and I doubt I ever will.


So, it's to bed with me. Hopefully after this week, with no new classes starting at work I will have more time on my hands to complete my notes. It's frustrating how all my notes still have that pink reminder slip that I need to complete them. It is pretty annoying, and not to mention difficult to put the books into my bag without squishing them. Hahas. Yupp, only Amanda thinks about not squishing her pink reminder slips. Okie, bed time. Thanks for dropping by, and I'm actually beginning to think that no one's actually been around here in a long while. So, I suppose, this is kinda like a personal thing. Well, until someone stumbles upon it. Who knows, maybe my prince charming just might!

Sometimes, the best solution is to just walk away.

Wow, it's been such a hectic day. Not to mention such a hectic start to the first week of December. Yes, we are now officially only 29 days away from 2010.


One reason why it's such a hectic start to the first week of December is because I need to get all the work done for Groove, and school's been ridiculously annoying. Just yesterday, I had 6 hours of lessons, back to back. First three hours of Human Resource Management followed by three hours of Financial Reporting. Which ended at 10pm and I had to be in school the next day again at 8.30am. Nevertheless, I took a break with mummy and had sinful food. After that, I rushed to shower and got some work done before heading to bed at approximately, 12am. And then today, my normally hectic Tuesday. It started with waking up at 5am to Josh's text message of his overly busy day yesterday. I jumped right back into bed, only to be woken up at 6am to the latest Channel News Asia news update. Yes, by this time I was awfully annoyed. The birds outside my window nor the dog outside my door were helping matters with making a noise when I'm just about to fall back asleep. This resulted in me being half an hour early for class. Yes, for the first time in two years, I was in school at 8.00am. Well, it wasn't entirely my fault as there seemed to be less of a jam on the U-turn to school, even Ming Shi was shocked at the lack of traffic. I guess miracles do happen when you're praying hard enough for them. After class, I decided to skip lunch because I wasn't feeling particularly hungry. -inserts three boring hours of Amanda trying desperately to study and not check her phone constantly for messages-


Managerial Economics was awfully. It wasn't the lecturer today, or the actual topic itself. It was just that I couldn't keep myself awake. Yes, I kept yawning and almost falling asleep in class! It was terrible, absolutely terrible. And after class, we whisked off for dinner. And that is when, the fun begins.


It started with realizing a sudden influx of people for the dinner itself. At first it was a creeping worry and then, when everyone started arriving, it became an even worse problem. Still, I'm awfully happy I had those two slices of Cheesecake just before we left. People who clearly weren't invited, still had the decency to turn up. I mean, it's ridiculous when you're not even part of the damn family. How thick must your skin be to always be looking for a free meal? Obviously I didn't say anything, because it wasn't my place and that's why I'm saying it out here. People who I thought I could handle seeing, which apparently given my current state of mind, I actually couldn't. Which upset me terribly, but alas, Smile. Nod. Pretend. And in that moment of confusion, we made a decision to just walk away. It wasn't really that hard of a decision, since we had a relatively clear view of how someone else would have reacted (and not a good reaction under any circumstance), it was much easier to walk away smiling and telling a lie, while saving everyone the trouble and mess. Feedback from the dinner was that everyone more or less had enjoyed themselves. Personally, I'm just glad I had my two slices of Cheesecake, I'm not sure if they ever did serve the Pana Cotta again, but I'm happy to be kept in the dark. Some things are better left unsaid.


So, we had a wonderful time together, like we always do. It is terrible how retail therapy is working out so wonderfully well for me. A new vest, which can be buttoned up and actually makes me look sexy. Which I personally think is a tough feat to manage xP A new set of PJs. I seem to be in the mood of wearing PJs, but they are oh-so-comfortable and who doesn't like looking cute in bed? Dinner was another matter, and my theory that a smile goes a long way was actually proven today. It never hurt to smile at someone, and frankly, I don't know why some people don't do it anymore these days. And you complain why service staff are so dull, cranky and upset looking all the time. It's because they look at your dull, upset looking and snobbish face half the time, deflecting their smiles that it just becomes a tiresome thing to do. Yes, I know from experience. My whole day can be shot to hell just as someone comes through the front door, nose in the air, eyes looking down her nose and acting like I was paid to serve her, and only her. Anyway, I'm diverging. I tend to do that a lot, it seems to be a curse. Or a blessing, depending on which side of the line you're on. After dinner, we headed back to the hotel to sit around and chit chat with Aunty Alice. Seeing as how you've already ploughed through so much, I shan't put you through anymore torture of what happened and we shall fast forward to when we were just heading home.


The things you hear about things that have been said always have a way to shock you. It doesn't matter how well you think you know the person who said it, or how well you try to explain the situation, words will always have the power to shock you. Take for instance, something I heard today on the way home. The first thing that came to mind was, 'How can someone be so critical of their mother and not know they are hurting her feelings?' Sure, I admit I have been rude or critical to my mother at times, but I am trying my best to not be like that to her. I don't think this individual is even trying! Do you know how I know that I was obviously not in the capacity to handle anymore emotional stress, or situations? I started tearing up, and I felt like screaming out in anger. Let's face facts, every single one of us doesn't always see eye to eye with our mothers. Sometimes, we just wish they'd leave us be. Sometimes, we wish they'll learn to change their ways. And more often than not, they don't. Still, I wouldn't think that gives you the right to put her down at almost every opportunity, or even to instantly place the blame on her. Since you've made it this far, I really should tell you now that the following paragraph will just be me venting because there are so many things I want to correct, that I cannot because I am not in the position to do so (sometimes, I wish I could say 'screw respect') and whatever said, shall remain between me and you. And well, whoever else is reading this. That is where it ends.


How do you think she feels? Your mother, when you treat someone else of similar authority better than you've ever treated her? When you see her more often now, than you did before someone else (of obviously more importance to you) came down? When you chastise her for a mistake that was yours, and she never even said a word about it? Obviously, you are without concern because I am upset about you doing all this! Yes, the only reason I'm not saying this to your face is because you're older than me, and I still have to respect you as part of this family. But if I was given leeway to say what I will, you can bet I'll bring this up. Not to mention that ridiculous person you keep bringing around. He doesn't greet anyone at family gatherings. He doesn't pay for anything at family gatherings. He doesn't belong at a family gathering. See my point? I always thought that love was blind, but I didn't think that love would blind you to what should mean the most to you in your life (of course, that's not including God or your religion). You know, maybe the next time it happens, I will stand up and protect the ones that mean more to me than you do.


Tomorrow is another long day, as is Thursday and Aunty Alice is leaving on Friday morning. I don't expect to be dried eyed when she's left, and just thinking about it now is making me just a little upset. Well, it is about time I get some sleep. Thanks for dropping by and listening to me vent, I really needed that after all that happened today.

The worst day ever.

There's absolutely no qualms about it, today, the 24th of November is officially the worst day ever. I can't think of another day that can triumph today's disasters or emotional roller coasters. It started off with me not waking up to my alarm, which resulted in a half an hour late for class. Thankfully, he only went through the tutorial and thus I didn't miss much. The second mistake I made was to go down to the first two rows, thinking the people I call my friends would have reserved a seat for me (seeing as how a reserved seat is always there for Tricia when she never shows) and there was no seat. Not on the first row, the second row or the next four rows behind the second row. Well, I suppose it was luck that there was another seat on the first row on the other side of the lecture. And, Amanda ran across the lecture hall, in front of the damn lecturer while he was speaking. I don't know if I actually do blush when embarrassed, but I felt like puking out of embarrassment. It was, to sum it up in one word, horrendous. Well, at least talking to Josh helped ease the need to puke, not that any of the people I called friends bothered. After class, I decided to escape to the library because, where else can Amanda go to when she unfortunately has another lecture to attend at 3.30pm? On the bright side, I managed to do some Financial Reporting notes, as well as read up for Managerial Economics for the test that was suppose to take place during the next lecture. I decided to borrow the book on Thursday, because since it's the holiday and all, I will try my best to study as well. Instead of spending all my time with Tanesia, which I so desperately want to. It's always easy to forget the world when I'm with her. It's fun spending time with Josh as well, you never really know what he's going to say next. And sometimes, I wish I knew him better when I was with Alex. After the numerous texting, my phone battery decided to give out on me. Talking about that, let me go and charge my phone now.

Managerial Economics wasn't altogether that boring. I managed to write three paragraphs for 'The Bomb' which basically included the birthday bash scene where Patsy almost dies. No, she doesn't really die because her lover can't really kill her. Sometimes love makes us do stupid things, hahas. The test wasn't really a test, because the lecturer decided to go through what was going to be tested in the test just before he gave us the test, such a wonderful lecturer eh? Hahas. Anyway, sometimes I wonder if the people around me think that I'm just a stupid little girl to be pushed around, stepped on and used. It's frustrating sometimes, because I don't think I'm a very outgoing person by nature. Not with people I don't particularly know anyway. And sometimes, I'm just glad to stick with this group of friends even though they're ridiculous and well, trample all over me. No, I wouldn't say I am a sucker for pain or rejection or being bullied, because I've had enough of that when I was younger. So what is wrong with me now? Seriously, I have no f**king clue. I'm pissed half the time I see them, their lack of interest and mindless chatter gets on my nerves half the time, and still, I'm sitting with them during lectures. I'm seriously thinking of sitting away, this coming Thursday Financial Management class. I mean, why spend time with people who couldn't give a rat's ass about you right? Right.

So, the day's still been shot to hell. Cried at least four times today, ridiculous I know. And I foresee that I will be crying in bed tonight. I don't think it's because I'm overly upset about anything that happened today, I think it's just a build up of stress that I haven't been able to let go off. I'm stressed about school, about work. I'm upset with the people I call friends in university. And all I want to do everyday is spend time with the people who actually care about me, not the ones who use me as and when they feel like it, like I'm worth absolutely nothing to them. And here comes the problem, who shall I enslave to be my imaginary friend everyday? I have no clue. Hahas. Ridiculous, I know.

Well, it's almost 2.30am, and I think it's about time I go to bed and sob a little before I sleep. Hahas. I might probably have a nice long hot shower tomorrow morning when every one's out. Aunty Alice came to town and so, every one's going to spend time with her. I don't know, I don't mind spending time with her but, it's like everyone is fighting for her attention. Maybe I'm just weird or too lazy to try and display all my good points (probably because I have none, hahas!) and get pat on the back like a good dog. Ok, it's time for bed. My hand's wet from wiping my tears and I don't think I've the strength or patience to tell my mother why I'm crying for no reason. I'm just so tired, that sometimes, all I want to do is give up. But I'll hold on Steven, just for you.

And she's back.

Good evening.

I've just completed proof reading my Financial Reporting assignment which is due this coming Tuesday. Only a few days away, and why have I just completed it? Because I've been lazy and entirely too busy to have done much work without actually having studied first. What's the point of handing up an assignment if I was just going to crap my way through it, although I do admit there is some parts which I crapped because I have absolutely no idea what to say and really, three lines and one sentence do not make up a paragraph.

Yes, it's been an extremely long while. 6 months since my last post. One huge difference is that I am now officially twenty one years old. Hahas. No, I don't feel that old yet. Not when I'm still playing games and trying to act like a child. I don't think I really want to grow old, it seems like such a failing business nowadays. You can't really do much when you're old, well, not a whole lot anyway.

I highly doubt this will be a long post, simply because it's almost 12am and I do need to be up early tomorrow. I simply refuse to keep sleeping in, even waking up at 7am now, I'll be able to catch Tanesia up before she heads to bed, or even get into a conversation with Steven before he goes to bed, or even a morning discussion with Chris on how he should come back to Fiesta and of course, pay for my ticket to Australia to see his adorable new baby girl. Or, I could also just turn up the music and do some study notes. Yes, notice how it comes right at the back? Hahas. I need to start clearing my table if I wish to effectively study on it. Although I was toying with the idea of studying outside on that small table we have in front of the television. Of course the television will be turned off, I'm not into testing my will power all the time. Hahas. Have the computer in the room is a good enough test of my wills, which at the moment is losing the battle. As you can tell.

There's nothing much to talk about school, aside from the fact that I need to start bucking up before I just screw myself over again. Yes, I'm only doing 4 units this year because by some miracle, I actually passed all my subjects. Even with a just pass for Principles of Banking and Finance. Pretty amazed at myself, especially after all the almost sleepless nights with nightmares on my results. Of having to retake the papers, and all the financial trouble I'm probable to land myself in. But here's to looking forward and not backward, we are only a month away from the new year.

Work hasn't been that much more exciting. Fi gave birth already, to a little adorable little boy. The work load has definitely increased but I am trying my best to manage my time and not neglect my studies for my work and vice versa. This coming weekend is a public holiday so I am only working on Thursday evening. I will try my very best to catch up on my notes, especially for Human Resource Management. I've decided to skip the first chapter and try to tackle the other chapters first since the first chapter obviously requires a whole lot more of reading to be done.

It's almost 12.30am already, and I really should be going to bed. I will try to come back again and blog. I really do need an outlet to type, or to just speak nonsense. I always wondered why I didn't just keep a diary and did it online instead, where anyone and everyone can have access to it. I've theorized that I'm a possible attention addict but as of now, I'm quite content with the people who are giving me attention. Because truly, I can't find anyone else like them who'd give me just what I need and always whenever I need them. So here's my good night, and I'll be back soon. I'm thinking of trying to find interesting topics to actually discuss here, after all, I do need somewhere to practice my writing skills. Maybe if this degree doesn't work out, I might just try for that degree in journalism. It'll be fun to travel the world and write stories, or maybe just write that one book I want to publish. Dreams, sometimes they are the only things keeping me going from day to day.

And oh, before I do. New Moon is coming out, and I am tempted to go and pick out that book from the bookshelf and curl up in bed to read it. I know I'll definitely skip some parts which isn't suppose to happen but, what can I say? Sometimes I do have a relatively short attention span. And with that, this Cookie's off to bed.

Going through old junk.

Good evening.

It's been more than a month, yes. I'm not only on this computer, but I am on my laptop as well. I'm downloading a trial version of Microsoft Office so I can complete my required AVA slides before next year, hahas. In view of that, I've also discussed about selling my laptop for money, and then buying another laptop. Hence, I've also been going through the items I have on the computer, my stories, my oh so precious stories. Included are my random musings. I found a few short stories that are still in the making, and I am determined to finish the ones I have up on FictionPress. I think Adrian and Heidi are longing for their one night together before she goes back to school, as is Paige with Gregory before she faces the horrifying past. I also found a one page long discussion I was suppose to post up on World Poverty. Surprisingly, it doesn't sound all that childish because you know, I always did think I was a bit childish back then. I found a letter to myself from a year ago, after my birthday celebrations at the M Hotel, and everyone stayed over. It's pretty amazing what a few months can do to a person eh? I think I shall write another one, send it to myself via email, and read it again next year. Something like reminding yourself where you've been and where you want to go, and if you've done anything to reach that goal. I desperately want a new laptop, I need something easy and accessable to work on when I'm not at home. I'm bloody determined to finish my stories, and to get all the back log of what needs to be done, completed. This whole turning 21 thing is really beginning to sink in, and despite how little I'm getting paid now, I think this is a good learning opportunity for me. For my future, of course.

Since the last time I was here, my exams have ended. Frankly, I'm not sure when my results are coming back and boy am I dreading the day I see that brown envelope. I'm hoping for the best, yet I know the best might not be, and still, I'm always hoping. The laptop is rebooting while I continue this post. From the time my exams ended until now, I've started doing more work for Groove. I can't say much about the pay, but the experience is actually pretty wonderful. Maybe this might push me in the direction into starting my own business, of course, as a side thing to my actual job. I'll waste away too much of my life if given time to slack, hehes. Ok, sorry, I was tinkering with the new Microsoft Office which by the way is awesome! Now, I'm really determined to get a new laptop. Hahas. So, where was I? Aside from working at Groove, I've been looking for another job too. Hopefully it'll work out and I'll have extra income, a girl unfortunately needs to pay for her University degree. hahas.

So, I'm sorry but there's really nothing I'll like to blog about. I've got work tomorrow at 12pm, so I need to get up early. Maybe I'll come by another day, with more news, of course. Till then, I'm sorry for not updating. Although I will be updating my wishlist. As much as I detest this birthday coming up (because it is too soon and all my dreams are vanishing before my eyes) it is coming and maybe some presents will make me slightly happier. Lol. I'm such a material girl I'm ashamed *winces* Well, if you want to get me that laptop or camera, I'm not stopping you. I'd rather be ashamed. Hehes. Till the next time we talk! All my love.

Amanda Loves You Always.

Minutes before death.

Good Afternoon.

Yes, it hasn't been that long since my last post. I believe I last posted when I received all my papers which was approximately two weeks, I presume. I'm too lazy to check and I've got this need to type, I'm not sure why, but I do. I can't type anything out for my story because I conveniently forgot to bring my wallet which held my thumbdrive. I doubt there's anyone sitting around me who would lend me the thumbdrive. Hahas. Well, taking into consideration that they do indeed have one on them now. Which, by the looks of it, I hardly doubt it. So, yes, it is officially. I passed all my mock exam papers. I'm not sure to pat myself on the back or to continue and freak out that I just may fail my final exams. I have decided that I will be taking a 3 week long break from Fiesta, that includes weekends. So, the most I'd be doing, if I'd be doing anything at all, would be vending or Spider KQ, with a good group of course. The new time limit on registration is too short to actually be able to ensure a good group to play with. Nevertheless, who could say no to free mats? Especially in such awesome amounts.

The birthday dinner was a success yesterday. At least everyone who was suppose to turn up did turn up. There was a slight replacement of people, but at least there was still a total of 8 attendees. So, I'd still like to wish Mavis and Melvin a happy birthday! Now that's done, next topic! i love you guys.

There really isn't much to blog about these days. I haven't even started studying, when I should be. And I've been gaming entirely too much, which means that I should stop soon before I find myself going into the exam hall unprepared at all. Now, who really wants to see amanda break down? Hahas. So yes, there've been a few developments in the game, but it hasn't been confirmed yet. I don't really see why there's a need to type it out here, since the people concerned don't read my blog because they're sleeping when I'm awake, and vice versa. Yes, I think majority of my friends are from overseas, which in my case, is really unfortunate. There really are some people I'd like to be able to see on a daily basis, and not when I'm just about to sleep or just woke up and am rushing to school. Well, I really should be trying to get some work done, so I'd be going now. And waiting until my mother comes for me, after which we'll go for dinner and then off to work. I'll probably still be working through the exams because it really isn't a very taxing job. And I've done it before, I don't see why I can't do it again. All right, I really should be going. I'd be back soon, I hope. Thanks for dropping by and, I'd catch you soon.

Amanda Loves You <3

Many things change, but there are some things that never change.

Good Afternoon.

This most has been long over due. I was suppose to do this on Good Friday, which was last Friday but I never did get around to it. So, here it is. It's not so much an intellectual topic so much as a revelation of some kind on my part. I cried when I was thinking about this, which was unfortunately during the Good Friday service we had. I doubt anyone noticed, because really, who notices Amanda during Mass? I'll stop stalling now, and go on with the topic.

Easter is something that comes every year for Christians. For converted Catholics, it comes every year after they are baptized. The true coming of Easter though, I can't say that it does come for everyone yearly. For me, unfortunately, it has been reduced to candles and chocolate eggs. But that was not what I was dwelling on that instigated this post. Every year, when Easter comes around, there are a specific set of services that take place. From Holy Thursday service with the washing of the feet to the almost midnight Easter Vigil service where we have the baptism of the new Catholics. The services are the same, the procedures are the same, almost everything is the same. The only think that have changed are the people. If i remember correctly, I started coming to this church when I was 15, confirmed at 17. Between those two years, could possibly be the best and worst times of my life in this Church. I'm almost 21 now, and between the 6 years that I've been in this Church, it has undergone a face transformation. Plastic Surgery if you want to call it that. I can't say I really miss the look of the old church as who living in Singapore doesn't appreciate an air conditioned service hall to a non air conditioned service hall? Actually, I don't really miss much of the old church aside from the easy access to the rooftop which was most times my own hideaway, and the chairs by the grotto. This brings me back to a long ago memory of my own simplistic view on how life could be handled.

As long as I had them, this 5 friends, standing by me and being with me, there isn't anything too difficult for me to handle, especially life.

You might be wondering where I plucked out the number 5 from, or if I just randomly chose a number from all the possible numbers in the history of numbers. It wasn't a random choice. Remember the grotto I mentioned earlier? There used to be two stone chairs there. They were made of stone and of a very old fashion which could not be found anyway today, not to my knowledge anyway. The chair was fashioned so that when you sat down, your ass would slide to the back of the chair and your legs be hanging over the edge of the seat, as if you were sitting on an upwards ramp. I suppose it would've been good for children because then they would have a less chance of falling out and accidently breaking open their skull. So, the chairs could comfortably sit 3 people on each, which in total would be 6 people. Hence the number 5 because I really couldn't go through life without myself could I? So, back then, for me anyway, just having those 5 people would've been enough for me to go through life and everything it threw at me. I don't think I have ever entirely filled up those 5 spots before. It was always only 4 or maybe even 3. Now, you might be saying, it's not hard to fill up 5 spots with people who'll go through life with you if you've got a wide pool of people to choose from. If you knew me, you would know I don't have a wide pool of people to choose from hence I did have some difficultly. Still, you would need to carefully select, because when you've chosen those five people, you would have to do all in your power to be loyal to them and to be someone who they can turn to if they ever need help. Of course this is only my point of view, I'm not particularly sure how everyone else treats their friends, but I like to actually be there for my friends and to be loyal to them. Being loyal to a fault really isn't an actual fault, in my book anyway. Back to the topic at hand, it was upsetting to realize that you had lost the very people you thought you could've count on for life in whatever situation you may face. It's even more upsetting realizing that there are some people who you would give almost anything for to be your friend. Not for status, not for fame, not for anything but your own selfish happiness you gain when you're with them. If you've known me long enough, you might have an idea of who I'm referring to. I can say that I would be happy if he came back into my life, even as a friend and yet, at times I am undecided. Aren't the friends you make a reflection of your personality? Or your character? There is also someone else I want back, and am still undecided about it. Simply because I don't wish to force my friendship on someone who clearly doesn't want or care for my friendship. It's one thing to be brushed off from a stranger, it's another entirely different thing to be brushed off from a friend you've known for almost 5 years and the fact that you've considered her one of your best friends. But winding my way back to the topic at hand, I'm wondering if I should adpot my 5 friends approach to life again. It may seem to be childish and too simplistic for someone whose been through life for almost 21 years, but if you hadn't noticed, that's pretty much who I aspire to be. Someone whose childlike and simple. Well, I've only got one place left if I'm adopting my 5 friends approach again. You should know whose in the first, second and third. My last place should be left for the man whose going to make me a very happy girl one day because, that's what I want him to be. My best friend, my lover and my husband. Well, of course the father of my children but let's not scare away the potential boys. So, one spot left. Whose the lucky one? Or the one whose cursed with my friendship for eternity.

I should be rushing off to work now. I don't particularly feel upset after this post because I suppose, I've almost come to terms with myself. One always needs to understand one's self to actually get through life in one piece. Till my next post, which should be soon (or as I always say) take care and thank you for reading!

Amanda Loves You [:

Rules that apparently, don't apply.

Good Morning!

No, I'm not actually feeling very elated or happy, the exclamation mark is merely to throw you off course. Bet it did. It has been an interesting 10 hours and I thought I should come and share my wonder and awe at the things some people do. Mainly, it's as the title says, rules that apparently, don't apply. I can't promise that it'll be exciting or something you've never seen before, it might mostly be just a ranting on my part. Hence I'm warning you first to click on the red cross, if you don't want to hear me rant, rather than complain that I've wasted at least 5 minutes of your time on earth.

Please ensure that you are at least half an hour early for Mass so you can prepare the equipment for Mass.

That's the first rule I'm starting off with. Ok, so maybe I had been a few times late before the rule was actually stated. Maybe it was stated because of me, and for that, I apologize. But, as a rule creator, I would think that you should lead by example. Apparently not. Or so I found out today. The equipment, which was suppose to be prepared at least 15minutes before Mass began, was turned on only 5minutes before Mass started. What is up with that? So, I would have actually forgotten about him coming late for Mass if he didn't come up to me and tell me to come early for Mass next Thursday. Now, seriously. What is up with THAT? I would have talked back to him if I was in the mood, but Lady GaGa's been keeping me mellow for a few days now.

Just do what I tell you, don't follow what I'm doing.

I've realized this has been broken by many. Parents, people in authority, and just about anyone who isn't firm in their own teaching. Many don't realize it though, I've just realized today. When we tell someone to not do something, we, ourselves may end up doing exactly what we had told someone else not to do. Someone's done that to you before, haven't they? Well, I don't encourage you to tell that person in the face that they had not done what they preached, but it's just something for you to think about. Although it is nice to point it out to them, just not in front of a crowd. It can be embarrassing.

Well, my nose is sufficiently annoying me enough to want to cut this short and head to bed. I'll blog more another day. Maybe I'll mention the funny wrong name accident I had with mummy today. It was truly hilarious! Well, April is here so I really should start studying. I'll drop by again soon! Especially when I get back the rest of my test papers. Thanks for reading, and come back for more! Hahas. 'Night all.

Amanda Really Loves You [:

Finding peace in chaos.

Afternoon.

It's been a while, a very long while since I last stopped by here for a chat. Many things has changed, and as you should be able to tell, I'm almost not as happy as I was the last time I stopped by for a bit. Well, granted I wasn't that happy the last time I stopped by here either, I could say I am worse off. The world's not a very allocative efficient place is it? I just finished a 5 hour lecture, I wouldn't go so far as to say my brains have been fried, but I have come out of this lecture happier than I did last Saturday and Sunday. Those who were around, you know why. For those who weren't around, let's just say I have a whole lot of information to catch up on before the 14 of May rolls around. If you still don't understand, give up. Or ask me on MSN, if you're very sure I wouldn't bite your head off.

In respect to boys, I don't know what I am really doing anymore. Everything always happens a little too late, and I've been regretting my decisions almost instantly as I make them. It's not a very nice feeling, trust me. I have decided though, to just stop making decisions until the last minute. It's almost like someone's waiting for me to make a decision and then throw some more paint into the mixing pot. It's bloody annoying, that's what it is. Or maybe, just too many movies playing around in my head. Just maybe. But for now, I would say I'm comfortable where I am. Scratch that, I'm constantly wondering if you're a good choice for me and for yourself. Well, mainly if I'm a good choice for you. And despite your assurances, I still don't feel assured. I would like to thank those who've talked to me and heard me out. The numerous shirts I've wet with my tears, the ears I've talked deaf and most of all, the hugs I've stolen without consent. You may not read this, but know that whatever I choose to do, I do it to hopefully make you proud of me. I don't want to be a girl who makes her choice because she's afraid of being alone, or of how the choice would affect her and her alone. I do it so that everyone in the situation would be better off, or at least in some way, better than there are now. Well, that should be about the length at which I'll think about this further. I am suppose to be taking a break from him, a long extended break that doesn't require me to think. Not even for a second.

Its unnerving how much I don't really know considering almost 8 months has passed since I started attending classes again. It could be my lack of a curious nature, and hence I haven't done anything over and above what was given. I can't say I'm particularly upset because not doing as well, would mean that I will pull up my socks and work for a better grade. I only do hope my work does produce fruits. Despite my sayings of quitting school or just forgoing the whole idea, I really want to do this. I don't know why, but I do. I would jump a leap and say that I actually do in real fact like studying, but that might be too much for my body to handle. Or even my mind, for that matter. It's really too much of a stress factor, than anything else. But then again, because you enjoy doing something, should it really come as second nature to you? I will buck up, I will. I might not do it as quickly as some, or as consistent as some but I really will. I just need to get over everything that is happening now and get down to studying. By getting over, I actually mean ignore. I don't intend to solve any of the problems I have now before I start studying. Because I, unfortunately, foresee that these problems are going to take countless nights, many more tears and more energy than I can spare to solve or even try to dissect the problem. Hence, studying will come first. And if any one is really interested, I got 48/100 for statistics. It's a pass, but I will be aiming to work for that 75/100. If I have nothing to show for my life, I at least want this to show for my time here. It may be shallow, but hey, it's Amanda right?

I really should be going soon. We've got mass tonight, and I actually intend to relieve some stress tonight via my constant way of killing monsters. It's really a pretty fun thing to do, killing monsters. Yes, it may have increased my violent tendencies, but haven't I already always been violent? Well, I really should be going now. There's really nothing else that comes to mind that I want to talk about, so I shall take my leave. I will be back soon, hopefully with a better topic than what I had in mind today. Finding peace in chaos. Ok, so I haven't even touched on it. But I'm sure you know what it entails. Finding peace in chaos. You need chaos first before you find peace, so, go out there and create chaos! No, I'm just joking. Ok, making lame jokes is a sure sign that I need to go. The brain has already put up the 'out for the day' sign, so I should stop knocking on the door to ask for help on what else I could possibly say in my blog. Hence, have a good day ahead and I'll be back soon. Hopefully.

Amanda Loves You [: