another piece of my broken heart.

Good evening.


This post has been long over due. Well, it should have been written the day I found the two e-mails lying forgotten in my lousy excuse of an online inbox. The two e-mails which I thought I had deleted but apparently I kept them. Maybe to remind myself that there might be a shred of humanity left in the people I used to love. So what sparked me to write this post today. Especially when I'm rushing for bed. It seems that my body has forbidden me to sleep less than 8hours each day. Although the waking up instantly has been a really exciting daily event but I'll get to that later, or another day when I'm not rushing to bed. Back to my reason. It has to definitely be the continuous non attendance coupled with my recent meltdowns. Not that I'm blaming anyone, because I am totally past that.


The non attendance. Frankly, I have no idea why that is bugging me so insistently. It's not like I'm responsible for the attendance. Although it would be nice to see some proper respect; especially when disrespect has so blatantly be shown in the recent months. I suppose it is quite pointless and dumb to note that only one is required during the weekday ceremonies. I suppose this should be the end of my case. Although I never understood why authority has really never been shown or acted upon people who require it but rather, on people who are not included under that authority. I suppose there are times when things should be left exactly the way they are, or at least the way when no one actually feels threatened. All this talk about change flying in the air and people in authority feel threatened when aforementioned changes take place. It is weird, is it not? So, since I've been enlightened that only one is required during weekday ceremonies, I guess this would definitely have to be scratched off my list. I do hope though, that as this weekend approaches. Someone thinks about what you're saying when you're pledging your services, and actually works toward trying to fulfil the pledge. After all, what's the use of having an installation if no one bothers to honor the society?

The two e-mails that I discovered about a week ago. Ah, it was the bittersweet tinge of pain at the edge of my heart as I read the words. I unfortunately cannot quote any heart warming phases or words because I deleted them immediately after I read them, twice over. After all, who needs memories of someone telling you that God loves you and yet turns his back on you? After all, has his whole family not turned their backs on me? But it did, I must admit, bring back mostly bad memories of the place I had once looked forward to go to. It's pretty funny how I still remember how moist the air was the day he approached me. Convinced me that to continue my life without a proper education in Christ was absolutely being ignorant of my rich faith. Ok, maybe in not so many fanciful words but that was mainly the gist of it. I rejected, once, twice, three times. And the following Sunday, I found myself sitting among people I had never met before that day albeit a girl, who I still remembered as one I thought I had found a friend in. It's rather funny how things spiraled out of control from there on out. Maybe if I had put more thought into my organ lessons. Maybe if I had put more effort into my studies. Maybe if I had put more thought and consideration in grooming my friendships. Things might have turned out differently. And half the things that I've said in this post and on this blog, would've never crossed my mind or passed my lips. And yet, maybe, deep down. Really really deep down. I'm glad that things happened the way they did. I mean, things of past do shape who you are now. I can't particularly say I'm unhappy with the way I am now. And truthfully? I would rather be alone than with friends who'd take a nanosecond to consider spilling your darkest secrets to further their gain in life. All right, maybe not that vicious. Vicious they are, I must say, but maybe not that vicious as I've bias-ly made them out to be. So I suppose that maybe, maybe turning up that day, although leading to many, many, many unhappy moments between then and now, it has, in a way, made me who I am today. Still, that doesn't stop the tears or the dull throb of the pain when the memories resurface. Because I cannot say that I did and still do wish that somethings did not turn out the way they did. Well, there really isn't any point crying over spilt milk is there? I'll just have to smile, nod, pretend. Smile like I haven't got a care in the world. Nod like nothing would ever affect the happiness surrounding me. Pretend like I'm still the bubbly little girl you met four years ago.

Unfortunately, it is 11pm and time for this little girl to head to bed. I will try to blog tomorrow, if I get home on time. Of course, after my shower and everything. I don't have much else to say, really. What else can I say without wanting to burst into tears? So, I'm off to bed. I'll check back soon, and let you know what has been going on with me. Because there have been other more exciting news aside from church news going on in my life. I haven't really been able to talk to many people, because you know, that's how it is when you're a loner. So, I'm again holding back the tears. See you in a couple of days, I guess.

Amanda Loves You (:

Random thoughts, really.

Good Morning.

It's actually a late morning, almost afternoon actually. Only another forty minutes. Only another hour and ten minutes before I'm officially released from this place. However I'll be sticking around for a bit, to finish up unfinished work of course. I really need to get started on doing the Statistics for November and December. I really have been procrastinating. Hahas. Or maybe I'm just jealous that JL has more time to play truant than me. Hahas. Either way, I do need to buck up. Because I really need to earn that extra cash. Talking about extra cash, I am looking for a weekend job, that is if any one can recommend one. I really don't mind the hours, if only on the weekend. I'm sure I can fit church somewhere into that schedule. Even if I have to wake up at bloody 8am to go for the mass at CTK. Yes, I've started using abbreviations. Mainly due to the fact that I'm don't want people who are just bored googling some word and then finding my blog. Well, especially googling the name of churches. But still, I'm too lazy to go back and revise the names I've mentioned before. So let's just start from now, and carry on. No point wasting time going back to change everything.

Well, once again I am at a loss of what I am doing here. I haven't really thought about blogging the past few days, especially not when I was working or actually trying to figure out my life. But I guess, when you're bored, you'll just about do anything to keep you from trying to carve out your name on your arm. No, that was a bad joke. But it's not like I haven't thought about it right? Whatever, I'm not making any sense. So, where was I? I'm not sure why I'm here. Although it might have sometime to do with trying to figure out what means the most in me and what are some of the things I'll never let go off. For one, unfortunately or fortunately, would be my faith. I don't know. I mean, I figure that no matter how much I want to be evil. How much I want to convince myself to stop going for masses. To stop taking the bread. To be evil to everyone I know. It just doesn't work out. Sure, I can be cold but that doesn't exactly equal to stone cold evilness does it? So I guess, it is about time I resign to the fact that I'll never go as far as to deny myself my own humanity. Which includes denying my faith. I guess what Max said as right, after having gone through all the years of being drilled about my faith, have I really learnt nothing at all? And sometimes, I do wonder if I'm rubbing off him. Because you know, they say that the more you're forced into the faith, the more you're likely to rebel. But then again, I don't recall anyone saying it aside from that small voice in my head. Hahas. I think it is about time I start talking to him again. I do miss him, especially after our last abrupt conversation. I didn't really mean to push him to the edge. But I thought he would've been able to handle me. After all, he's been handling me for a few months now. Hahas. So yes, decision has been made to talk to Max as soon as I get home and on to my computer. Of course he has to be online first, or maybe I'll just drop him e-mails until he talks to me again. I think I may have perfected the art of being annoying.

Ah, one of my newly favoured songs are playing. Beautiful Girl by Sean Kingston. Although I do think I much prefer the chipmunk version. Hahas. There are some songs that sound much cuter and nicer in the chipmunk version. However, Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie is definitely not one of them. I heard it on YouTube and it was terrible! But then again, my opinion, don't sue me! Well, another of my latest favoured songs would include Tattoo by Jordan Sparks. I do believe she's the latest winner of American Idol, but I'm not entirely sure. And no, it's not my desire to get a tattoo that led me to favouring the song because the words are pretty meaningful. Well, looking at the path I'm going done now, the song is definitely applicable. I mean, have you read the lyrics yet? There are so many ways I could tell you about how I relate to the song. But I guess, for you to actually like the song, you've gotta be able to relate to it first. So, as usual, Tattoo's been playing on my phone every time I'm in the shower and Big Girls Don't Cry on my mp3 to and from work. I would narrow it down to one song but I need to download Tattoo into my computer first before uploading it onto my mp3, which would be quite hard. Not as hard as troublesome, so I'll just live with two songs at the moment. Hahas. I'm sure you're rather fascinated with something I said just now, I would presume. About me getting a tattoo.

Yes, gasp, look shock, faint if you must. But I do, deep down, actually want to get a tattoo. Sure, Tash would have planted the seed but if I hadn't want to, it wouldn't have flourished would it? Although I'm not sure when I'm going to get it. Where. Or even How. I'm still thinking about the Why now and I guess, it's really just to reassure myself that I'm different. From the people around me. No, I know what you're thinking. I'm not trying to be a rebel, although I know I desperately want to. Because I really wonder what it'll be like when I strip myself of this good girl mentality. I mean, will the world really come to a stand still as I have my way? Hahas. I highly doubt so, but it would be interesting to find out, wouldn't it? Hahas. But back to why I want to get the tattoo. I guess, I just do. Tash has said to not get it where you can't hide it and I've thought of two places where stretching of the skin wouldn't be so drastic. One, behind my neck. And the other, on my inner thigh. Hahas. I know, you must be thinking I'm crazy. Don't worry, I'm with you on the thinking I'm crazy part. Yesterday night, I was searching for tattoo parlors in Singapore and the various designs. The fact that it was going to hurt was nagging at edge of my mind, but I didn't really seem to care. I guess, I also want to push the boundaries and see how much pain this body can take. I don't think cutting yourself up really gives you a gauge and besides, why leave scars when you could get something beautiful instead? So, I'm once again at a fork in the road. I want to get it, but the darkness surrounding the path, the pain mainly, makes me think twice. The other path is to stick with fake tattoos. But my last experience with the expired tattoos really left me feeling irked and wanting a real tattoo instead. Hahas. And I'm not going to be drawing on my whole body, that would just be crazy. I mean, I don't want to have to wear a long sleeved shirt all the time just to cover up the tattoos. Well, this conversation has to be postponed unfortunately. I've got someone who needs me to try and convince him he isn't worthless. Sure, maybe he didn't ask for my help but it's not like you don't know me. Hahas. No one else really deserves to feel worthless, well, aside from me. But that's a demon I gotta fight on my own. So, I'll catch you later this evening probably. More talk on my tattoos! Stay tuned! You know you wanna.

Amanda Loves You (:

Jaded.

Good Afternoon.

I, fortunately, or unfortunately have spent the better part of my day reading a story on FictionPress. Truth be told, it was awesome and I don't ever see how I'm going to be able to write like that with all my sappy notions of love. And this unhealthy obsession with love stories and romance, which I still believe, however weak now, still exists in this world today. Well, this is clearly going to push me to start writing my stories and to stop procrastinating and pushing it to later, or even spend the time in bed rather than on the com and dealing with my stories. Or maybe I should just slip back into my one shot modes. I have after all started a few on songs that have left an impression. As for that one story I had longed to write, the details are changing constantly and I don't know if I can actually keep up. So we'll see how it goes, I guess. After all, one can never expect anything to be certain when around me. Because as well as I know, everyone else should know I am indeed, a walking time bomb.

Well, I don't really know why I actually came on here to blog. No, no near emotional events happened recently. I've been mostly left on my own since the birthday. And the contact which I've had, which has been minimal, have gone along smoothly. I remember a sudden outburst just Monday, but it was nothing that wasn't brushed aside. Just like how I always am. Anyway, I don't think I'm in the mood for a rant today. Surprise, surprise. Well, back to the matter at hand. I think I really came here to blog about the story I just read and that it did hit close to home. For one, the fact that I am still pining for a guy that probably is never going to see me. Hahas. The urge to throw him off and lose myself in the actions of others seem really trivial and stupid. Not to mention immature and childish. Besides, I'm not about to ruin my whole life just because I'm not getting enough loving from a guy whose at least a thousand miles away from me. And if you're reading this love, you know I love you. But I don't think I'm strong enough to go on this long without some love from you. And might I remind you, you haven't written.

Second, it was the lead character. The female one anyway. The male ones were enough to make me throw caution to the wind and find myself in someone else's bed. Well, except I can't see myself in someone else's bed. Not unless I love him anyway. So the lead lady. Am I really like her at times? I mean, at least she trusts the two people closest to her. I don't even trust my own mother. Well, not anymore anyway. Sometimes, you just need to harsh them out yourself and bear the consequences. At least she has a best friend, even if he is a guy. No wait, she had two best friends. And she was sleeping with one of them who ultimately, she realized she was in love with and who was also, in love with her. You see, no matter how fucked up or screwed up her life was, how can this ever happen in real life? I mean, seriously. So yes, back to the best friend bit first. I don't really have a best friend who knows me through and through do I? And no, God really can't be considered your best friend because he doesn't really provide the physical aspect of it. I don't really know why though. I mean that I don't have any best friends. For one, I don't think I was a mean child. I highly doubt that I was even close to shy. Hahas. Maybe it was because I never did fit in. I mean, the fat short girl. She never really fits in does she? Or maybe it was cause I had an attitude problem that no one told me about. Or maybe it was because I was riddled with problems that no one really dared to stay long enough to know me. I don't know, and for the life of me, I can't really figure it out. Not when my mind is in a mess now.

When I was part way through the story, it did strike my mind to send an e-mail to Matt, and just let him in. The jealousy. The pain. The tears. Yeah, I thought about it for about at least half an hour. I also thought about telling Steven. Especially the jealously. I guess I figured he deserved a right to know why I defended him against Ryah and then threw it back at him later on. I do sound like a first class bitch don't I? *wince* Anyway, the idea was squashed. Because I continued reading. And up till now, there is not even a letter drafted out to Matt. And Steven, the temptation to talk to him online was squished when I decided to message Matt. Well, another Matt actually. Matt A is the one I wanted to spill my guts to. Matt B is the one I want to love me even after I spill my guts to him. But I don't know. It seems weird that after interacting with Singaporean guys, you're just not used to the reactions and answers of the other guys you meet. So I messaged Matt B. It was out of pure lust, unfortunately. And I don't know. I want to say that even after talking to him, I can still stick with waiting for J to come back. But I don't know. And no, it's not that he probably doesn't like me anymore. But I guess I'm just afraid to lose what I might have with one person and I don't want to risk it for another. Call me selfish or what you wish; but it's just a girl's wish for happiness dammit.

So, I haven't managed to talk to anyone yet after reading that story. And boy was it a good story. Although I did wish I had friends stick by me like that. I mean, I do have friends. The girls, that couple, random people who make me smile. But I guess I wish there was someone that had seen me at my weakest and still loves me for who I am. Why can everyone else have that, but not me? Told you I'm convinced there is something wrong with me. I'm 19 turning 20 and yet, I feel like I'm so much older. I like silence, peace. Sure, I've been to clubs. But I hate dancing, in front of other people anyway. But I'll dance in my room, in the shower. Just not in front of other people; no matter how drunk they are. I don't know, I think I'm weird. What do you think?

I had this really weird thought in church yesterday. And it ran along the lines of something like this. And it sounded like I heard my voice shouting it, except I don't ever remember shouting it before. "Maybe sometimes I want you to care. To care enough to continue pushing even when I've asked you to stop or back off. Sometimes I wish you'd care enough to not let me go until we've thrashed things out." I think it would make for a good dramatic scene in a story wouldn't it? I probably would add it in for my next story; the one I was planning to write about coming out of the bad cards life deals you with and emerging with a smile and a love for life. And then maybe, maybe I'll take my own advice and beat life at it's own game. Maybe. But for now, I'm quite content with sitting here and trying to figure out my life; and what I'm suppose to do with it.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I was left in a room, padded and securely locked, with BenTan or ElvinWee or any other person I've had a problem with. I mean, how far would the thrashing go. And what really, would happen. Screaming? Crying? I've actually vowed to never speak without thinking again. Because how are you going to be an ice queen when you're as quickly flammable as oil? Well, it is decided that I'm probably going to pick my words as carefully as I apply my make up. And I guess, the only warning I can give you now is not to rifle my feathers. Because I guess, it is time for the good girl to step down and for someone else, to take her place.

So, I should be heading out soon. The story writing would have to start during the weekend. Because for one, I think I have actually decided to start school. That is, if any school will accept me. Hahas. So we'll see how it goes. I'll keep you updated, I promise. So this would be me signing off. Oh, as for the story. It's named Jaded. And you can find it on my page at FictionPress. Well, if you know my nickname, good for you. And if you don't, feel free to ask although I can't promise that my stories are good, even though I love them very much. Constructive criticism is very heartily accepted but if you're flaming me just because you don't like the plot, theme or the way I wrote the story, no one asked you to read it (: So, I'm off! Take care and thank you for taking time to drop by. I'll see you soon, hopefully!

Amanda Loves You (:

The post that will never be read.

Good Afternoon.

This post was actually started in the morning, at approximately 11.30am and then lost to the wide space of transmissions and nothingness. I do remember, mostly of what I had written then, and I possibly might repeat them here again. Although the feelings would probably have been different between writing it then, sitting in the van and now, sitting in my own air conditioned room. It is almost 7pm. Another twenty five minutes. I'll probably try to wrap this up quick, and then head over to do my accounts for this month and then it's to bed for me. I've got a long day ahead tomorrow. Chasing people for reports, and whatnot. So, let's start with yesterday. Or this morning, rather.

Eventually, I left the house and went to O Bar. At first, it felt right. It felt the way it did we went out the first couple of times. I was happy, it was all right. Well, that was until I stepped into the club. And I wished I had wore my three inches instead of my converse shoes. I looked like a freaking school kid, not to mention I felt like one at that moment as well. It did kind of get worse, but eventually, we stumbled out and went to eat. I didn't stay out all night because I got a ride home from one of the guys. So I stayed up till 6 when we left for church. And then, that was when things just didn't look any brighter.

This is where I start with what I remember of this afternoon. I was sitting, alone, as usual with my writing pad and the wind blowing my stray hair into my face. And then I had this sudden urge to blog, and so I whipped out my phone and started to blog. But it was unfortunately lost to the nothingness of the Internet. So I shall just try and salvage what I can of my memory.

Sitting there, I suddenly realized that everything had changed. I don't know how, or when, but I knew that from the day before, yesterday, everything had changed. I clearly wasn't the same girl, not with these emotions thrashing wildly inside of me or these thoughts and feelings trying to claw their way to the surface. I guess, for one, I definitely need to deal with these emotions, feelings and thoughts that are springing up from no where. There is only so long I can be anti social. And just sitting there, feeling the cool gentle breeze. I wished things never did take a turn for the worse. That you were there, standing beside me. That stupid smile I've been accustomed to. Us laughing at something you said; because you never fail to make me laugh. Even when I want to cry. And then, I remembered that it can never go back to the way it was before. Because when a decision is made, never mind forced or willing, it has to be kept. My theory is that if I can't keep a promise to myself, how can I ever hope to keep my promises to the people around me? I guess, like I've said before, we can never go back to the way we were. Decisions made, forced and willing, more often than not cannot be undone. How do you undo the decision to leave your best friend in her time of need? How do you undo the decision which let the people you cherished the most down? How do you undo the decision to severe all ties with someone you cared so much for? Maybe these decisions can be over written. With time, with love, and definitely without pride. But I'm a proud girl, aren't I? So where does that leave me now? I don't know exactly. I guess, this is as good a time as any other to say this. Live each day as it comes.

Another surprising thing happened today. A 12 year old comforted me the way I hadn't expected. Understanding, a shoulder to lean against, a listening ear. It did me good, it stopped me from wanting to lie under the blazing sun and cry until I fell asleep. And I don't know, but she asked me this though. Would I tell her if the people I didn't like were there now. Would I really? To a girl, not yet twelve. And somehow, sometimes, I feel she knows things that go on. She hears things that people don't normally hear. But I'll think about that another time. I need to get ready for bed, and as it is, I've already procrastinated sleeping. Well, I do need to sit down and think about these feelings and thoughts I'm having. I'll probably have a mental debate here. You can skip it if you like, because you know, it's personal, myself and I.

So I'm off to bed now. I'll write more another day, maybe next Saturday when I'm sitting alone here in my room, contemplating about life. So, I guess I'll see you next week. Or some time this week if I'm free. Take care of yourself; a whole lot of people have been falling ill it's disheartening. God bless you; even if he may not be exactly pleased with me. So, this is me getting out of here. See ya!

Amanda Loves You (:

First post, of 2008.

Good morning.

Happy new year to those whom I've not wished yet. Which actually, would technically anyone who stumbles on this blog. Because I really don't remember wishing anyone; unless of course you messaged me first. But aside from that, I don't think I wished anyone. I didn't even celebrate. Unless you call just wishing your mother and your dog a happy new year. Yes, I'm becoming a little anti social girl. But that's good, isn't it? I'm mighty sure it is. Anyway, it's a Saturday today. And I'm annoyed and angry again. Hahas. Have there ever been a time these few weeks which I've not been angry or annoyed? Don't think so, but whatever. Hahas. So, my pay isn't in yet. Hahas. I would so much rather not get the pro rated bonus and get my pay on time, than wait so long for just a little bit more of money. I think I'll probably borrow money from mother first to pay my phone bill. I really don't see the point in paying them to re connect my line again when I might as well just pay the bill. Anyway, that's my only plan so far. As for tonight's outing. I think I'll just pay for entry, and then get drunk on air and smoke. It really isn't like I could get drunk on alcohol anyway. I really do think I might as well stay home and do something constructive. But it's Tasha's birthday celebration. You've never known me to let someone else down willingly right? Not about to start now. Nope.

Talking about Tasha. Thursday was a good day. Well, there was one point when I was just plain upset and all I wanted to do was cry. Obviously I didn't cause it really wouldn't do to cry in public. After all, big girls don't cry. It happened around the shopping part when we were at Bugis Street and then the ThisFashion at Bugis. But aside from that, I was pretty much happy. Well, and also the fact that my money wasn't in yet, I was pretty upset too. I did buy two shoes, seven pairs of earrings, a necklace, a bag and a jumper. Well, in total, I spent about a hundred and thirty seven dollars. I would've probably spent more if my pay had come in. So I guess, it was a good thing my pay had not come in yet eh? We found a shop at Bugis Street that sold jeans, in big sizes. I bought the jumper suit from there and I'm possibly going back to buy more jumpers or jeans. At least now, I don't have to worry about not being about to find a size. Although I am wondering even if the big sizes can fit me, cause you know, my thighs are quite huge. Anyway, that was about it. The shoes I bought, both are three and a half inches! Absolutely wonderful if I might say. I guess, I should stop buying clothes and just buy shoes, bags and accessories. And only buy clothes when I step into a shop that has extremely huge sizes. Hahas. But I guess I am pretty contented with the clothes that I have now. I just hope I don't put on any more weight. I have been exercising. But most of the time, exercising seem to make me fatter. I don't know why, but yeah. I'm weird but whatever. So, I guess that's about all for Thursday. Oh, last note, the pedicure and manicure I got was really good (: I have puppy paw prints! Which I totally adore by the way. Hahas. I think it's really cool if you ask me. I've always wanted to get them, but never really did ask the ladies at the nail shop to do them for me. Hahas. I shall remember for future references to ask them to do puppy paw prints for me. Hehes. I'm still deciding what to do for Chinese New Year. Hahas. Chinese words or just Red Packets? xP But that's a decision kept for another day.

Nothing else has happened at work, at church or anywhere. And it really is extremely good that BenTan is avoiding me at church. Because we really don't want an awkward situation now do we? Yupp (: Tonight's celebration of Tasha's Birthday. I'm probably gonna be staying out till 6am and then head straight to church. I must remember to pack my facial wash and make up cleanser. I'll probably either re apply my make up or just go bare faced for mass. Because I'm very sure that by the end of tonight, or by tomorrow morning, my make up would've definite run and then I'll just look evil. With the black eye rings and all. Hahas. I'm not sure about the tattoos yet though. And I'm definitely not sure about the drinks. I probably will not buy anything. Hahas. And I'm serious about the not drinking part. I do wish today was Wednesday, at least we get free drinks and free entry. Hahas. I'm such a free loader I can't stand myself. Maybe if my pay had come in on time, I wouldn't have to resort to such wants. Hahas. Oh well, it does always seem that when bad things happen to me, everything happens at once. It sucks really, but what do you do when life throws shit at you? Duck.

So, I guess I'm gonna be going now. Nothing much to do now. Aside from sitting here and rotting. Well, not exactly rotting. But I'm sure if I stay still long enough, my body will stop functioning and I'll eventually die. Hahas. Ok, sorry. I'm pretty morbid these few days. So I'm gonna be going off now. I don't think I'll ever get around to doing my New Year's Resolution List. I'll just live each day as it is. And if I run out of days to live, I'm sure you'll find another blog that will catch your interest (: So take care. God bless. All the best, for the new year of course.

Amanda Loves You (:

Big Girls Don't Cry.

Good Evening.

It's been only two days since my last entry. I must say that it hasn't been so bad since then. Although now I am seriously panicking if my money's going to come in on time to pay the bills. Hahas. But I guess, the worst that can happen is that they don't allow my mother to buy her car park coupon and then cut my phone line. On the bright side, I wouldn't be contactable when I finally decide to run away from home. Hahas. But I guess, we'll just have to wait and see on Thursday if my money comes in on time to pay the bills. I really hope it does, because I am truly on the edge of breaking down. And I'm not just talking about tears.

One surprisingly new status is BenTan talking to me on Thursday night. So it's settled between us. Although I don't think he understood what I meant when I said it ends here. Because when we launched into the debate on me ever coming into contact with a certain ElvinWee, he talked like I was still his older sister, the girl he knew from long ago. But I'm sure, after a week or two, when he sees me ignoring him in church and online, he would understand that when I said it ends here, I meant that it did end there. The relationship, the fights, the love, everything. After all, if I can't keep my own word on issues like this, how am I to ever trust myself with bigger things? And also like how I'm keeping to my word about staying away from ElvinWee and everyone I used to know in church. The Thiens, The Cheangs, The Lees, everyone who knew the Amanda before. Well, everyone except the girls. Steffi and Gen. But that's about it. I've been doing pretty much all right, aside from that tap on my shoulder on Christmas. But other than that, every thing's all going as planned. For once in my life, anyway. After all, after having seen all the chaos, how could anything of such mess been planned? I've also brought up the suggestion of going to Christ The King for mass. However mother seems to be rather attached to this church. It truly is quite unfortunate for me, cause you know, I'm trying to get away from this church and all? Yeah, very unfortunate for me. But I'll probably continue to try and talk her into going for mass at Christ The King. Very much better for my sanity, and my soul too.

Today was the celebration of St Stephen's Martyrdom. We didn't stay. I especially didn't want to stay when I saw the entire youth choir. Not since mass was just as dull as ever. Can anyone really not move their body when they hear music? I mean, is it possible that you wouldn't even move a muscle when you hear a catchy tune? I guess it is possible looking at how stiff and dead the choir looked. But then again, maybe it's just me and maybe they're just about as lively as any other choir in this church. Who knows? Who really knows about these things anyway? So said hi to Gen and Steffi. Steffi knows that she probably won't see me anymore in church, but I guess, I didn't have the heart to tell Gen yet. But I guess, as long as she wants to see Jessica, it's better about forgetting about me (: And it's seems funny but I can see myself spending more of my time outside of church, with other people. Maybe it's Tasha getting into my blood. After all, the friends she makes at the clubs aren't that bad. It's not like I'm suddenly going to start smoking and all, but it would be nice to have some place else to find peace. Acceptance. Love. Maybe not all, but just some place else where I wouldn't be judged. Not that harshly anyway. Although talking about this, I've also got a comment on my last post from someone named Anonymous. Here's what it says:

"And now the poor stand and confess

That my portion is you and I'm more than blessed"


This is a song from hill song.

God is our solution. Just hold on to God and he will lead you...Be blessed

I don't know what I'm suppose to do, really. Seeing as how I'm on the verge on about giving up on almost everything I've ever known. I've heard it can be quite an enriching experience giving up everything you've ever known, because then you'll find out more things. Things that you never knew, things that you've never dreamt about. Anyway, I do wonder who posted this comment. But maybe I don't know the person. Because I'm hoping now I don't know the person. Hahas. Anyway, I guess God has been providing. But now, it just seems like he doesn't care. I mean, we're suppose to listen for his voice. But what happens when we hear his voice, and people tell us that we are wrong. And that, that's not what he's saying? After all, I thought I was doing good by befriending her, when everyone else shunned her. And then when she left, everyone said that I shouldn't have done what I did. I thought I was doing good by taking care of them, while everyone else was having fun. And then when everything went wrong, everyone said that I should have been smart enough to have done something else aside from just taking care of them. And I guess, maybe I've lost my faith in what is good and what is bad? The lines are never clear, I know that. I'm more than clear on the fact that the lines between black and white, good and evil are never clear cut. But how are little girls suppose to believe that good will always win over evil, when nothing good ever comes out of being good? The gift of eternal life in heaven? I don't know if I really want to spend eternity with the people in my church now. Well, seeing as how they're certain they'll go to heaven. So maybe I'll just go to hell, you know, just to escape from them. Hahas. So I don't know, I guess. God is our solution. Hold on to God. He will lead you. Somehow, I only believe partially in what you're trying to say, I'm sorry.

Well, it is almost 10pm. I had weird, really weird dreams yesterday. I had one about NC. Although I think it was more of a fabrication my mind made up to make me happy rather than a possibility waiting to take place. I received an e-mail from J today. Well, he sent it two days ago and I only read it today online. He's all right, still going for missions. I guess until he comes back, I'll just be known as a bachelorette. Well, one that isn't looking for a guy anyway. Although I doubt bachelors are actually looking for that one girl to marry and settle down for the rest of their life right? Hahas.

So I guess this is where I stop today. Tomorrow's Sunday, the following day is Monday which is also New Year's Eve. And then Tuesday, it'll be 2008. I doubt I would be leaving all this behind in 2007. And no, I haven't started on this New Year's Resolution List. Because somehow, I have this feeling I'm not even going to stick close or even follow it at all. Well, thanks for stopping by I guess. I really do think no one reads this blog. Hahas. Despite the three comments that I've already had. I think they all happen to stumble upon this mad girl's blog and decided to comment. Hahas. Some things, no matter how hard we wish for them to be, never are the way we had wished them to be. I'm going to continue to listen to Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry on repeat before going to bed shortly. I'll be back soon, I guess. Definitely before the new year if I can help it. So, I'll see you. Take care. and God Bless. And just in case I don't come back before the New Year, a Happy New Year to you and many blessings ahead in the new year for you.

Amanda Loves You (:

This looks like a breakdown in progress.

Good Morning.

Actually, it really hasn't been such a good morning. To say the least, it has been horrible. I don't know why, but I have this gut feeling that 2008 is going to get worse. Followed by the next year of course. And it's just going to get worse until I eventually decide that I'm just going to give up, because that is always the easier choice. The first thing that went wrong this morning, was indeed the fact that my dog barked at me to get out of bed at 3am just to open the door for him to drink some water. It disrupted my sleep and made me realize that mother was not home yet. Which led me to find out that it sucks being a Taxi Driver now, because although you earn more per trip, you don't have as many trips as you used to pick up. And just hearing it over the phone seems to cement my future. How can I ever go back to studying knowing that what my mother is going to earn isn't enough to support a family of four? Anyway, I did go back to sleep and woke up at 6.55am. And guess what? I left the house at 7.25am without make up and I do think my mother is angry at me. But I guess it doesn't matter. There is no point wasting petrol when I can take the bus which is so much cheaper. So I left for work and as usual, the adults on the bus and in the train never fail to annoy the living day lights out of me. Now, I'm sitting at my desk, stomach growling because I haven't eaten anything this morning. My head's spinning because I don't think there is any blood being pumped into it. And my nose is dripping, because the stupid medicine I took isn't working.

Just yesterday, I was talking to Tasha about going back to school. And that I've probably resigned myself to taking accounting. After all, I don't think there is anything else I can take that is going to ensure me at least a job when I graduate. However, having looked at the courses and the course fees, I am beginning to re think going back to school. I mean, at least 20K per year? I don't think my mother could handle that. And I'm not qualified to take a part time course, because at SIM, you need to be 21 years of age and above. So I am seriously re thinking even applying for school, even at a local university where the fees are heavily subsidised. How are you suppose to concentrate on studying when you're worrying about the government taking away your house? I don't know, I really don't.

That brings up another issue which is work. I don't know but I do think I am burning out and am starting to hate to come to work. Or maybe it's just the early starting time, I don't know. But if I do not apply for University next year, I'm most probably going to find a much higher paying admin job. Because if I ever do want to go back to my education, I definitely need to have some source of savings to actually start paying for my education first. And it pretty much sucks to the fact that I cannot use my own CPF to pay for my education. Hahas. Very unfortunate really, if you ask me. Anyway, I guess that's my plan so far. I don't know if I'm even going to take a chance and apply. And then if I do get in, against all odds, I'll get a weekend job. Coupled with a full time job when I go on holiday, from University that is. I should get around to deleting all the games on my computers. I can't possibly waste anymore time on games, when I need to start putting all my time into making money. It's quite sad really, seeing as how, money was never my first objective when getting a job.

With regards to the title of this post, I really do think I'm building up a breakdown for myself. I was thinking of all the ways I could kill someone this morning. I know it's not exactly the perfect topic for a morning discussion with yourself, is there ever is? But it was something my mind picked out. Not to mention, I'd like to murder half the community that calls themselves my family. Especially after what happened on Christmas. I have no idea how I'm going to survive Chinese New Year! Sometimes I feel like all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Other times, I feel like screaming at everyone around me. It's quite scary actually, and I actually do have to ask myself to relax before I actually do what my mind intends.

My mind is straying because there is a whole lot of activity in the office. Apparently the Sisters are bringing down the staff who are in lieu of promotion next year. I wish I was at least eligable, but what can I be promoted to? This really is a dead end job, especially in terms of promotion and a pay rise. ARGH! I really hate this you know. Having to think about how much I'm being paid. Thinking about how I'm going to be able to pay off the bills without the companies chasing after us for payment. Thinking about how I'm going to even get anything I want when all the money I'm making is going into the house. I hate this, and I hate having to do this. And I think I'm seriously losing my trust in God. That he's going to provide. Because I think in reality, if you're poor, you're going to remain poor for the rest of your life until a miracle happens to you. That or you become a stingy fellow and keep every penny, sickle, dollar and spend only on yourself. Hahas. No, I don't see myself becoming like that, ever. Because it'll just be horrible. ARGH! I hate this little girl whose whispering in my head, telling me that I should never change who I am. But it's not like she's going to help pay the bills right? *sigh* I really should get going I guess. Thanks for reading, and maybe I'll blog again tomorrow or the day after, about how horrible my life is turning out to be most probably. See you.

Amanda Loves You (:

The need to retain my sanity.

Good Afternoon.

Yes, I'm pretty amazed I'm still here. My eyes are dry although my head does hurt and I am still feeling a little annoyed at some members of this extended community. I don't really want to have to go through this whole process so I'll just skip to parts where I did like, or even enjoyed myself.

I refused to get out of bed. That was my first thought in the morning. But I eventually lugged myself out of bed and into the shower where I changed there as everyone was arriving already. After the shower, I hid in the room until I got called out to have lunch. And I have no idea what made my mother think I wanted, or even desired to share the table with the eldest of the female community. And no, I'm not talking about my grandmother. Everything was going well, as well as can be around me. I was eating, and listening to my music to keep me sane as everyone talked and watched a cooking show on the television. And then, she just had, just had to open her mouth and ask me, not kindly mind you, why couldn't I turn off my music. No, if she had asked nicely, or even without a degrading tone of voice, I might have switched off my music without a fuss. But she had to use that degrading tone of voice like I'm not worth any of her time. And she still could stare at me. I would have slapped her if I didn't care for my mother. At least I'm not the one whose not supporting her own mother. So after that, I used my ear piece and blasted the music. No, I couldn't be bothered if someone was trying to talk to me or call me, because I didn't give a damn. After lunch, I stole away into my room again. This time with company. And I guess, no matter how dreadful this community is, at least I've got someone who I can at least smile with aside from my mother. I had a pretty fun time showing him the videos on YouTube. At least some laughter in my otherwise dreadful day. And then it was the cutting of the cake. And I guess, no matter how many times I push the pain aside, the pain of not being accepted always comes back to haunt you. But let's leave that aside, because there is no way I can afford to start tearing or worse, crying.

I'm pretty much thankful for Tasha as well. She kept me company for a while and at least made me feel better. Even though I was sorely tempted to ask the eldest male in the community for a smoke. Yes, I don't smoke but that doesn't mean you can't pick it up right? Well, obviously I didn't. Instead I looked for refuge in my room instead. Anyway, talking to Tasha did help a little. To ease the tension and the desire to inflict bodily harm onto a certain member of the community. And talking about friends, it brings me back to the short note from BenTan on MSN messenger. Yeah, you guessed rightly, I told him off. I don't know why though, but I guess every time I see him, I remember the phase 'Problematic Child' and that just sparks something in me that makes me want to scream, hit or do something to him. Like I said this morning, I don't take lightly to being labelled wrongly or insulted without proof. But the relationship has already died, and I don't ever see it mending itself ever again. After all, if he can bring up the name over and over again every time he cannot win an argument with me, even forgiving him seventy seven times wouldn't be enough. So I guess I just need to get over it huh? Maybe getting over something, is actually much easier than it looks. Well, maybe it'll go into my resolutions for the new year (:

I guess that should be all that happened between this morning and just five minutes ago. I'm listening to the song 'Where Are You Christmas?' again. It really does seem to call to me this year. Maybe it's because I've lost Christmas. And frankly, I don't know if I want to even bother looking for it again next year. But maybe next year will be different aye? But then again, maybe not. Hahas. We'll just have to wait and see how things turn out. Oh, I'm also going to start a list of things that I'm not going to do and a list of things I am going to do next year. For instant, staying off Messengers and Multi Player games are two items on the list of things that I'm not going to do. I guess with so much time spent on gaming and waiting for people to come online, I've lost myself. Writing my stories again is definitely going on the list of things that I need to start doing next year. My stories have probably caught mold and I need to start cleaning them up again. I at least plan to finish one story, which of course is worthy to me, by the end of next year. It would most probably be Will You Stay? because I don't think I would be able to finish the Jeremy and Penelope story by the end of next year. Especially since I may possibly re write the story to iron out some kinks (: We'll see how it goes. I hope, it would go well.

I should be getting ready now. We're going to be heading how in another half an hour and I need to do my make up again. Curling of my eyelashes do indeed take up a lot of time. Hahas. But I think trying to stick on fake ones are going to result in pain and much more time wasted. Hence I'm sticking to curling my eyelashes manually. Hahas. So, maybe I'll blog about Dinner tomorrow or the day after. After all, it's only three days before the weekend is here. And another six days before the end of the year is upon us. I must start on those lists soon. Hahas. So I'll get going. Thanks for stopping by. Take care and God Bless.

Amanda Loves You (:

The first Christmas, that doesn't feel like Christmas

Good morning.

Yes, it is officially Christmas. Unfortunately, the Christmas spirit has already left me, even before it started to take root. I did, for at least two hours, feel in the Christmas mood. I was singing, and helping mother with the house chores. I was in the shower, dancing and curling my eye lashes just to look perfect. And then, as I sat there, amidst the crowd, the spirit left and I just felt disappointed. It was quite a weird feeling I guess. I never thought I'll feel disappointed, especially not in church. Sure, disappointment in the people I called friends. Disappointment in myself for having failed something, or someone. But never, in a million years, had I thought I would have felt disappointment in the only place I found peace. But I did. I guess wonders never cease to exist huh? It's 2.40am and I'm sitting in the dark, crying and listening to the song 'Nobody's Perfect'. Maybe I'm trying to console myself. Maybe I'm trying to make myself happy. Maybe I'm just trying to fool myself into thinking that tomorrow, or later today, would be different. And maybe the future, can still be ok even when I've messed up. Would you like to hear about the mass? I doubt I would like to re tell it. Because re telling it would mean I'd have to remember the extreme bored sensation I was thrown into and couldn't shake off. I mean, I have also never thought in a million years I'll sit in church and be bored. I mean, there's singing. There's happiness. There's God's love having given his son for us. How can anyone, anyone at all, even come close to being bored when exposed to such extreme love, such extreme emotions? Well, I did, apparently. I wouldn't say it was the music because I guess since everyone else clapped, the singing couldn't have been that boring. I wouldn't say there wasn't happiness because it was Christmas, and it was the time of Jesus' birth. And God's love is always there, so I don't think God's love was missing at all. And I still can't put my finger on it. I can say though, that I didn't enjoy the music. I knew some songs, I didn't know others. But the songs I knew, it just lacked the happiness which was suppose to be injected into the singing. I mean, you are singing about God inviting us to share his table. And you're singing like you're being dragged, chained and tortured to the table for a meal. But hey, that's my opinion. If you've got a different view, feel free to leave a comment if you're brave enough. If you aren't brave enough, zip it and get on with your life.

So we shall skip from Christmas mass to after Christmas mass. Shared the whole chocolate bar with Steffi and Gen. It's truly amazing what three girls when left to their own devices can get up to. I mean, a whole bar of chocolate! We were truly hungry I think, or had a deep craving for chocolate. The only thing missing was...Jessica. It seems weird without her around I guess. It seems weird without some people sometime, and I don't understand, how some people can carry on and pretend that everything is good and almost perfect? People leave, people come. It really isn't like I'm ignorant to this aspect of human nature. I guess I'm just not used to the fact that some people seem perfectly with this way of human nature. I mean, shouldn't you at least feel hurt when someone leaves? Or feel the gaping hole in your heart when that person returns? I mean, sure, you hope, wish, want for everything to fall back to how it was before. The way you could sit around and laugh. Touch and smile, without worrying someone was going to spread a rumor. Hug and say 'I love you' and mean it, without worrying you're going to be labelled a boyfriend stealing girl or a lesbian. The way you walked around town together, doing absolutely nothing but taking in the sights. Sat along the streets, talking about your lives and watching as other people's lives flash by you. I have felt that wish, desire, want, need for everything to go back to the way it was. But how can we? How can we really go back to the way it was when we are growing and changing every hour, every minute, every second? I don't think the little girl who wanted things to go back to the way they were before has really died. How do you kill a part of yourself you love so deeply? She's just been coaxed into a room, decorated with her dreams, filled with her hopes, painted with her wishes. The reality she's really living in only comes to her as nightmares, because when she wakes up, she stares up at her dreams and wishes, and feels all right with the world again. Maybe one day, when it's safe again, she'll get to run free in the fields with the adult who loves her so. But until then, she'll be safe, in her room of dreams, hopes and wishes.

Then there was the touch. Which by the way I am absolutely and totally pissed about. I would have preferred a hug, imagine that! But I wouldn't have done it, even if you were to say, pay me a million dollars. I wouldn't say my friendship has died, although I have tried stabbing it a couple of million times. It simply would not die. But I made a choice to leave, fifty five days ago, and I'm planning to stick by that choice even if I have to be a bitch in order to do so. It had crossed my mind to present a Christmas present, I don't know if I mentioned it here, but I really wasn't up to facing the rumors again. Being called a third party once hurts, twice numbs and more than three times just makes you want to hit someone. And I guess, that one moment, one Sunday, doesn't not explain the days he's lived. I have no doubt he is hardly sad at all, so scrap that feeling of me being sorry and wanting to put a smile on his face. Because I'm sure he has many false people to surround himself with. My only hope is that he doesn't drown when no one's there to help him out in times of trouble. So yes, back to my original feeling, I was pissed. Annoyed. Irritated. Murderous. The last word simply because I wasn't ready for another rumor to be spread that I was trying to steal him again. I mean, I don't care how many times people have said it or how I'm supposedly suppose to be numb to the words and rumors, I'm a girl with feelings. Real feelings that you probably don't know about or care. So I don't care how many times the rumor has been spread, or how many times it has been said to my face or behind my back, I'll still curl up into a ball at night and ask myself what I had done to deserve such words being said about me. This unfortunately brings back my last memory of BenTan. Yeah, the fight we had. Hahas. I don't even know why I'm still hurt. After all, it has been rumored that he insults the ones he love the most. Unfortunately, I don't take lightly to being insulted. As you should know by now. But it's no time to be talking about him now right? After all, he's the one who cut the ties. Who am I trying to convince him I'm worthy a split second of his time? Besides, I've got other things to do. Mainly, trying not to plot my plan to kill half the people I know. No, I am not serious about killing half the people I know plot. It's a joke, I'm trying to be humorous. So I guess this should be where I end my self started conversation on ElvinWee and BenTan. The two people whom I thought I had loved in the church which shunned me. Now, the two people I silently wish I had never met.

Talking about wishing never having met them. I've realized that about a few months before, thinking back on church, I had always said thank you, to God mainly, for the experiences and friendships and if I were given a choice to go back, I would have done it all over again. The exact same way, but maybe with a little more class. But now, I'm not so sure. Maybe I would have still been that innocent little girl, who thought that looks didn't matter and boys were troublesome creatures. Maybe I would have always rushed to Christ The King for early morning masses, and sometimes refuse to go for service. Then as usual, the internal conflict. But it's not like I would have a chance to do it all over again right? Chances like that, comes only once in a life time. I don't think mine's here yet. Although even if it did arrive, and knock me on the head with a rubber mallet, I probably would ignore it and go about it the clumsy usual way that is truly Amanda's. It's amazing I haven't truly messed up my life yet. Well, yet being the objective word. It's really times like this, at 3.20am in the morning that I wonder what's going to happen to me. And how I am going to turn out. That I'm sorely tempted to google palm reading, or a horoscope reading, or just anything that would give me an idea about what's going to happen in the future, and what's lined up for me. But I know I wouldn't do it. Because I, fortunately, or unfortunately [as some would say] still believe in trusting in God to provide and care for me. Even when I'm the biggest sinner in the world that can't ever seem to do anything right with her life. I guess some times it is good to listen to the little girl, or boy in some cases, residing in your head. After all, it wasn't adults to whom Jesus revealed the Kingdom of God to.

Well, as mentioned earlier, it is 3.23am and I really should be heading to bed. But let me finish my day, before I go. We had a ride home, and I cleaned myself and then I ended up here. Firstly because I couldn't spend an hour crying in the toilet. And secondly, I needed someone to listen to me. Even when in fact, probably no one checks this blog. Hahas. I guess having a blog is good for my soul. Just like how writing balances me, blogging keeps me sane without offending too many people. Hahas. You know me, it seems simply in my nature to offend the people closest to me. So, there is that lunch thing later this afternoon and then dinner at night. I really should get to bed so I don't end up being cranky and growling at everyone who annoys me. Unfortunately, there would be no drinks at the lunch or dinner. I swear I am becoming an addict! But at least this is controllable as although I like to drink, I'm not crazy over the taste of it or the sudden alertness it results in after the drink. So I guess I am safe. A drink or two now and then should serve to keep me sane and from soaking myself in drinks at my next clubbing outing. Speaking of which, I actually can't wait to go out. Hahas. Well, gotta save some money first since I'm going out with Tasha this coming, or next Thursday for her birthday (: So I guess, that might be the next time I blog or maybe New Year's Eve. We'll see how I feel. If I'm up to blogging or if I need to blog to stop myself from killing someone. This time, I'm not kidding. Ok, I've got this annoying headache on the right side of my head suddenly. So I really should go. Thanks for stopping by, I'm very touched by your concern even though I don't know who you are. Thanks for caring about me, cause it seems hardly anyone cares about me these days, unfortunately. So I should be going. And no, I still don't feel like Christmas. And just the song I've been listening to since I started this post, go check out the lyrics. Hannah Montana Lyrics This is the song I'm listening to when I feel in a ditch, and it's really good. Gives you the kick to get off your ass and to do something about a situation that you've been mulling over for so long. This headache is really killing me, so I'm outta here. Thanks for stopping by again. And although I'm not into the whole Christmas thing this year, I do hope you have a Merry Christmas. No one really deserves to be unhappy or alone, but it doesn't mean there aren't people who are unhappy or alone.

Amanda Loves You (:

Where are you Christmas?

Where are you Christmas?

Why can't I find you

Why have you gone away

Where is the laughter

You used to bring to me?

Why can't I hear the music play?

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Where are you Christmas?

Do you remember

The one you used to know

I'm not the same one

See what the time's done

Is that why you have let me go?

It seem appropriate to start the post with that song, since it was the song that I heard the moment I woke up to shouting in my house. It seems anyone can hardly sleep in this house anymore, because you've got to be awake and alert to catch every piece of drama that unfolds in this house. And mind you, I didn't say home, because this, sometimes doesn't feel like a home. Well, aside from my room that is. My room is currently my home, my only home. The three rooms outside my room, are just places I am required to frequent during various times of the day. Well, I'm sure you didn't come here to read about what I consider as my home and what I don't consider as my home. Great, I'm crying already. Two days before Christmas, and there's screaming. Ok, the tears have stopped. I definitely can't complete this post crying. So yes, I woke up to screaming this morning. And I don't ever understand anything, anything my grandmother says anyway. It's quite hilarious when you think about it, but that is definitely always after the incident when you're thinking back. And wonder, just briefly, why you couldn't have looked in her face and laughed at the plain silliness of her statements. No, I'm not laughing now unfortunately. I'm listening to Faith Hill, with my earphones, turned up to the loudest volume and I can still hear their muffled screams.

I remembered two days ago, when Susanna asked me how I was going to celebrate Christmas. And I said, We don't celebrate Christmas. How idiotic can a girl be to say that when her religion puts so much emphasis on Christmas, the coming of Christ? She obviously, like everyone else, knew how much Christmas meant to Christians so she asked again. And I revised my answer, everyday is Christmas as long as you act like it. You don't need one day to buy presents for a loved one, or tell them how much you love them. Or for the religious amongst us, to thank God for sending his son to us. Just like Mother's Day, I quoted. Then why didn't I believe it? I was having dinner yesterday, and then started tearing when I heard the song 'Santa Clause is coming to town' being sung on the television. I think the show's name was 'Elf' although I'm not very sure. But anyway, they needed to sing and believe in Santa for his sleigh to work, and yeah, I had to think to stop myself from crying and making a crazy fool out of myself. And I don't know, just how much I really am affected by this. I think they've stopped screaming at each other, but knowing my grandmother, the moment someone else steps through that door, the world is perfect with us. And me and my mother, just has to fall into the roll of happy daughter and granddaughter, no matter what we feel or how red our eyes are. Because the moment it's found out how upset we are, the reason for being upset would always be our own fault, just like it has always been.

Two more days to the Birthday cum Christmas party. And no one I invited could make it. I don't know how I am going to survive about an hour or so of family happiness. Because the last time I tried, I think I stayed in my room and cried for days. I think I remember saying in a previous post, that my family now only includes me and my mother. My grandmother and grandfather are still up for consideration. Seeing as how they much prefer to be with someone else in this community of ours. I'm not looking towards this get together. I would much rather have a get together with my JC Classmates which by the way, I will definitely not be attending. I mean, I already have something I don't want to go to so this would kind of be a replacement. I've already fixed that I wouldn't be dressing up or doing much with anything, so I'm going to stick to taking the photos or just work to staying out of them. Just thinking about it now is giving me a headache. Where did Christmas go to? Apparently it died and gone to heaven in my house.

If you realized, only the first part of the song is featured, because the ending is when Christmas is happily announced to be around us always if there's love in your heart. Unfortunately, I hardly have any love in me at this point in time for my extended community. Another day, and then it's Christmas. I can't wait for it to go, really. I guess there really is nothing more to say. And I'm much to emotionally drained to repeat what my grandmother said, although it is pretty funny once you think about it. Cause she says she doesn't take orders or commands, and yet she listens to my oldest aunt like a puppy in need of acceptance. It hurts I guess, the stuff she says. And I really cannot being to imagine why she even had to say any of those things. Especially not just a few days away from Christmas. But I guess, for me, Christmas has truly lost it's meaning.

I guess I should just be going now. There really is nothing much to say. The tears have stopped, and I'm trying to harden my heart. Because if there is even one single ill comment on Christmas Day, I can't promise I won't lose it and start screaming at people. And I would be thankful, enormously thankful that they decided to send me to a mental institution. Because I'll be more able to retain my sanity in a mental institute than to sit at a table with this extended community. So I guess I should be going now. Maybe I'll blog again soon if I'm not taken into custody by the mental institution workers. How am I going to survive this Christmas? I have no idea, absolutely no idea.

Amanda Loves You (:

The things my mind does to me.

Good morning.

Yes, it is already Thursday morning. I don't really know why I am still awake. I haven't been doing anything for the past two hours but sit here, in front of my computer and game. Hahas. So much for having a life. Today was the day. Well, to cleanse ourselves for Christmas. And I must say, in a way, I do feel better. And yet, the doubts have returned. The nagging thoughts have returned. And maybe if night never did come, no one would ever doubt themselves. What do you think?

I saw some people today, I might have been better off without seeing. But then again, how can you escape them, when you're rather closely tied with their immediate family? Sometimes it does seem like I'm fighting a losing battle. And yet, I would rather continue fighting than to lose myself forever. No formalities exchanged, absolutely none at all. Sure, maybe I have already sinned just by not saying hi. But I don't know, part of me really doesn't care. And the other part? The other part just really doesn't know what to do. And then there was the part where I kept rethinking my decision. I was suppose to be ok, you know. After that crying bout in bed after I wrote that entry in my blog about a month ago. After having avoided you for over a month. After deleting your number from my main phone, although never having the courage to totally wipe your number from my second line. I was suppose to be ok, everything was suppose to be ok. But as you can tell, it really wasn't from my previous entry. And if I do rethink, and decide to break my promise, to myself, one which you have no idea about. What would it mean then? That I'll take your greetings when you decide it's safe to talk to me? That I'll wait patiently by the computer when you say you'll be back, and then seeing you go offline? Contenting myself with a few messages, when it seems you never have anything to say to me? And then facing the rumors, people I trust, throw at me like they don't hurt? Because if you haven't noticed, none of the accusations have been aimed at you. I'm the only one who've been shouldering the accusations. And you still, have the guts to say that you've done nothing to lose me as a friend. There, at the bottom of my heart is love mixed with anger, and tears. But I have though, submitted to the idea that I am the one in the wrong. That if it weren't for me, maybe everything would've been better to a much larger extent. It's amazing how influence can change a person's thinking. Yes, I'm sure you should be able to tell. The dark monster residing in the darkest and deepest part of my heart has been unlocked and is roaming the empty shell that is me, making sure every bit of wall I had built up has been grounded to dust. Let's change the topic shall we?

Manicure and Pedicure appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping for a nice colour, to go with the dress I'll be wearing for the party on Friday. And hopefully the new dress I'm going to be getting for Christmas (: A girl can never have too many clothes! Well, unless of course your cupboard is really too small to hold anymore clothes. Hahas. Well, I'm yawning and I'm tearing. It's pretty bad I think. So it's off to bed now. Maybe I'll blog next week, after Christmas because I would be extremely busy on Christmas day and on Christmas Eve. Until then, take care of yourself.

Amanda Loves You (:

My heart still aches for you.

Good evening.

I know, I'm not suppose to be online but I promise I will jump into bed at 11pm. And then I'll be up tomorrow at 6.30am to get my ass to work. I promise. Can't promise I'll be on time, but I will get to work xP Cut this girl some slack won't ya? Anyway, I'm here to blog about last Friday and Sunday. Many things happened, on Friday and on Sunday. But let's start with the happy stuff first won't we?

Friday started off pretty well. Although the first thing I thought of in the morning was 'Oh my goodness, am I late for work!' It was a pretty funny thought when I was in the shower. Got changed, did my make up and then rushed out of the house at 8.30am. I got out of the shower at 7.30am by the way. Yes, an hour to get ready. I am truly becoming a girl. Hahas. So we got a bus down to Toa Payoh, and then hopped onto another bus to Thomson Plaza. The shop was not opened when we arrived, which was at 10.30am. We stood around for a bit and then the shopped opened. We decided on four movies, I took an extra for me and mummy since it was cheaper to borrow five than to borrow four. So the movie line up was....wait, I don't want to let you know. hahas. Unless you were there, you'd never know what we watched xP See if you can pry it out of me. Hahas. So we then went shopping for food! Oh, glorious food. We got lots of chocolate, and snacks and we got a carton of milk. We went down to buy a meal from Burger King for the little girl, but Burger King had closed down and Subway was on it's way! I'm immensely happy even though I wouldn't have Burger King near me again. Hahas. Anyway, we then headed back home and started our movie marathon! There are a lot of stuff that happened between that and the evening movie we watched. After the movie marathon we decided to get out of the house and we caught a new release, Alvin and the Chipmunks! It was totally awesome! I will be putting up a video of them, definitely, and then you'll see what I'm crazy about.

I am going to bed now, but I will continue tomorrow. Yes, I will continue this post. See you then. Until then, my heart still aches for you.

Hey there again. I'm back and it's Tuesday night, as promised. I don't know if it was because I slept late and thus woke up in a hurry, or was it some other supernatural doing that my day was horrible! First in the morning, I got stepped on, pushed about and molested by a BAG! Yes dear reader, a stupid, ignorant bag. It was trying to un-hook my bra, I should've hit it but I obviously moved away pretty disturbed. After which, I continued getting pushed and stepped on in the train. And finally, peace at work! Work has been improving, tremendously. But let us get on with my recollection of Friday and then, Sunday and the end of my day, today.

After the movie, we had dinner which by the way is my new favorite and was delicious! On the way home thou, we met Father Khoo which was pretty funny cause Steffi was the first one to notice him. Hahas. After sending everyone home, we headed home and I went to bed at 1am. Trust me, I still don't know how I got up the next morning to go to work. Hahas. Anyway, we shall skip the Christmas party and jump straight to Sunday Morning.

Theoretically, I thought I would have been perfectly fine seeing you again. Personally, I thought I would've been able to ignore you and pretend I didn't know you, like how I was suppose to. Frankly, I realized I had counted the number of days since I last saw you. I don't know what's wrong with me, really. My heart tells me this, my mind tells me that, and I have no clue who to trust, or who to believe. After all, both heart and mind are a part of me. And no, my soul isn't having any part in my love life. So yes, I saw the guy I left 43days ago. It was weird, because he was suppose to be happy. I hardly saw a smile. And I don't know, I was tempted. Very much tempted to go up there and just say hi, or tease him about something so he would smile. But not there, and not then. Because there is no way in hell I was going to put myself up for another slander story. So I sat tight, talked, laughed, joked, and acted like seeing him didn't have an effect on me. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, because then maybe some supernatural force wouldn't have made me see him again today. I mean, there is no humanly possible way I was going to see him again today unless there was divine intervention right! And you know, the worst part wasn't seeing him again. The worst part was having my heart beat irregularly in my chest, the heat crawling up my neck and the redness seeping into my cheeks. It was almost like back in the days when I attended service faithfully just to look at him for an hour. What is a girl to do about her heart? My mind rationalized all the reasons why it would have never worked out between us. Of course, that was after I realized he was never going to look at me the way he looked at the other girls. He was too thin for me to look good next to him. He was too reliant when I needed someone to rely on. He was too obedient when I needed someone who'd tell me what they felt and wanted. There were so many reasons, although illogical and stupid, that my mind came up with. And yet, my heart still skips more than a beat when I saw him today. And I still couldn't stop smiling. What is a girl to do? Can anyone help me.

And then, my heart yearns for another that almost completes me. Another who made me happy, even during the brief month we were together. Another who'd I'll hurt myself before I hurt him. Another whose so far away, it hurts just to think about him. And yet, I can't stop. I can't forget the midnight conversations. The infinite promises. The smiles. The laughter. The happiness I had possessed. I want you back here, by my side, so I can turn to you when I need a comforting hug. When I need a shoulder to cry on. When I need someone to tell me it's going to be all right. If you read this, I don't know if I blame you for going away. I know you wanted to do it for so long. It's your dream, and how can I ever fault you for wanting to pursue your dream? I just wished there was another way I could be with you. To talk to you. To at least know you still love me, even if that love has diminished. At least I know you'll still love me, when I'm still head over heels in love with you. I know, how much can this girl love you when her heart beats for another boy from long ago. But there has to be a difference, doesn't it? The way my heart beats for you, and the way it beats for him. But I wouldn't know, because if I did, I wouldn't be crying. I wouldn't be feeling like a cheating bitch. I wouldn't feel like I had betrayed your love for me. Forgive me, I know I love you, it's just hard, to control something that doesn't want to be controlled.

My heart aches now. For the love I had wanted, and the love I'm clinging on to for. How can two totally separate groups of people exist in the same plane? A group who finds their true love and remains eternally happy with that one person. While another goes on searching for their whole lives and never seems to be able to find the one that holds their heart. It's really amazing isn't it? But I guess, the world is full of small wonders. I guess that's how God made it so we'd never get tired of living in this world, day after day after day. And before I go, since Christmas is around the corner, I thought I'd jot this legend down for the sake of the love birds out there. It was from a fan fiction story I read, and I don't think I'm breaking any laws by typing this down cause it's a legend, and there are no copyright or whatever. Ok, mother is chasing so here is the legend. This is Christmas Eve in Japan where it's important for young ladies to have someone to spend Christmas Eve with. They hope for a romantic dinner, hopefully followed by a night in a nice hotel. [Please get your mind out of the gutter.] Small gifts are exchanged. This is as Christmas Eve in Japan has been promoted as a time for romantic miracles. The legend goes that if you confess your true feelings to each other on that night, your wish will come true. So to all you single ladies, or even attached ladies out there, go spend a lovely evening with your lucky guy and who knows, if his feelings are true, you might just have your future mapped out for you (: As for me, I'm going to hop into bed and hope I can wake up tomorrow morning. Take care, and thanks for reading! And to you two, probably the most special men in my life right about now. My heart aches, for the both of you. And just an extra note, I love you J. I hope you know that.

Amanda Loves You (:

The things I do to myself.

Good evening.

It's officially been two weeks since I last blogged. And I am quite certain that no one is reading this blog. Not anyone who cares enough to leave a comment, anyway. But whatever, I can now rant over and over about the same issue and no one's going to tell me to get a life, because no one is reading this blog. Many, many things have happened these past two weeks. Some, most are happy memories. A few are memories best forgotten to the folds of time. Although the noise outside the room isn't helping, the banging of chairs and re arranging of furniture. And then, there are a few recent memories which I would like to now forget. Anyone thinks a gun would help?

I am still unfortunately looking for love in all the wrong places. hahas. But you could say that I haven't been looking. Either I've been too lazy or I really cannot be bothered. Not at the moment anyway. I've heard from that boy across the sea. However it was a rather short note, but I guess he was busy. Just like how everyone is when it comes to Amanda. Replied to him and then sent out another letter to a friend whom I've not seen in a long time. That was after I came home from a dinner date with Tasha and her boyfriend. And seeing them, just makes me want to bury myself in a dark hole and cry. You're not suppose to be jealous of your friends are you? No, says my conscious mind just as my subconscious mind echos it's sentiments. I'll still go out with them, both couples. I'll still smile, and laugh. I'll still busy myself with my phone, and look the other way. I'll watch longingly from the sidelines, and be glad that love is still present in our world today. Nothing much has happened in the love department, as mentioned earlier. Yeah, I'm still waiting for the boy who everyone says is going to break my heart. I met Sara again, a friend from long ago. A past where I smiled, was happy and never cried. She still makes me smile, blush and wish I didn't love him as much as I do. I'm sorry if I disappoint you Sara, but I'm not the good girl you make me out to be. Well, it was refreshing talking to her since I've about lost all contacts with people from my wonderful, happily fake past.

Tomorrow is the big planned outing with the girls. Again, the sense of disappointment grips at me and a small voice in my head says it'll all go wrong, and I'll end up in tears again tomorrow night. But it's not only the disappointment now. Because I know, I don't want to see her. Maybe I'm being petty. Maybe I'm being stupid. Maybe I'm being jealous. There are so many things I could be. But at least, I'm honest to the people I love. Though I doubt she even considers me her friend. Or maybe she's becoming more like them, and it's a defence mechanism to lock myself away from her. After all, it's not like I haven't been burnt. And not once, but twice. I rather be alone, trying to make myself happy or screwing myself over, than to let someone else do the job. I don't know why I invited her in the first place. I'm mad, I know. I did take at least a week to think about it. And then I did it that Saturday I was celebrating. She might have not been able to make it, but the other girl talked her into coming. And I'm really not sure what I am feeling now. No, there isn't anyone else but this blog I can talk about this. Because my mother will probably say, 'I told you so' because she's still upset about what happened on my birthday. I can't talk to the girl I rant to about, because I don't know what she'll say. She may defend her, she may not. But I'm not one to turn a friend against another. It just isn't right. No matter what the situation. How do I get myself into these situations I really have no idea. I guess I'll just have to sleep on it, and hope for the best tomorrow. Not to mention, I am broke after shopping with mother just now so I don't know how much we are going to be doing tomorrow. Although I am pretty optimistic with the nail polishing. And a funny story, a girl's sister wouldn't lend her the nail polish. I could think of a few reasons why, but it's not really nice to reveal how evil people really are. Unless of course you're talking about yourself or Hitler. Or those who have lived, made a mark and then died. They can't do much to you but curse and swear at you from where they are. hehes. Ok, I'm trying to rabble so I perk myself up. It's amazing how I can bring myself up and then bring myself down again. It really is truly amazing how the human mind works. Or rather, how my mind works. But on to another topic.

I went shopping today with mother. Well, I did a little shopping with Tasha yesterday, but I went back to buy the dress I saw. And I ended up with three dresses and one top (: and a necklace for Saturday's dinner. After all, a girl's gotta be at her best at a party right? One dress is green, a sweet child like green for this Saturday's dinner. A bright blue halter like dress for hopefully, partying or more casual social events. A brown dotted dress for definite casual wear as well for work. And the final blouse, definitely for clubbing. I mean, it is laced up in front. A definite party wear don't you think? (: And talking about clubbing, I really am getting into this whole clubbing thing. Although after reading an article on the bad habits of drinking. I think I would start sleeping from 10pm to 3am on normal days. And on those days I club, I guess it can't be helped. Hahas. But it's good I hardly do most of the stuff, aside from the drinking. I would most definitely not go to bed with my make up. It'll run all over on my bed! And there is no way I'm going to take up smoking. I'm sorry love, but if you want a girl who smokes, bark up someone else's tree. And yes, I know my friends smoke. It's amazing I don't, but I have a grand uncle whose dying of lung cancer. I don't intend to go that way. I'm not cursing people mind you, I actually do love the people I know who smoke like my friends, but I'm not going to take it up anytime soon. So if you want a girl who smokes, bark up another tree. Drugs is a definite no no. hahas. It's not really the cost of the drugs, it's more of the I'd rather buy shoes with the cash. hahas. Yeah, that's amanda for you. The weird little girl whose in her own world half the time x)

It is almost 11.30pm. And I have found a route to Thomson Plaza tomorrow. So I should be heading to bed. For some beauty sleep and to rest my mind. Because I'm waiting almost anxiously at the computer for a message to pop up from him. And it's quite bad since I get grumpy when I don't get a mail. Hahas. Ok, I'm going then. I'll try and blog sooner. But I've been really busy. And with work? I'm beginning to love my work again, and the new girl is absolutely wonderful! hehes. We'd see how life picks up after this, I hope. Take care, if you're reading this. I'm outta here. Be back soon hopefully. Oh, and if anyone is interested, I'm going to start writing again. Adrian and Heidi. They're going to be happy eventually, but right now, they're going to have to work for it. Nothing in this world comes for free. Not even love. And with that, I'm gone!

Amanda Loves You (:

The urge to find someone to love.

Good evening.

It has been almost a week since I blogged. I was thinking of blogging last Saturday, but I was busy dancing with Sasa. Then Tuesday was the graduation night and the sleepover, which meant I didn't have my laptop with me and that I didn't come home. And yesterday, I just came home and slept. Tuesday did take more out of me than I thought. As you can see, a lot has happened since the last time I blogged. As well as hearing from that someone whose not that far away from me now and yet, he is still is far away from me. The world really is too big for it's own good. Previously, I would probably blog about what happened during dancing, the grad night, the sleepover, the morning after and then him. But I think I'll touch a little before jumping into my discussion topic for today. Which by the way, is about me trying to find someone special for me this Christmas.

Dancing was fun, as usual. Met more new people. Ok, one new person. The other one didn't count because he was freaky and sneaky. Hahas. I must say I did have fun and I do look forward to more dates to go dancing. At least that's one way I can have fun in my boring life. Graduation night was fun, extremely. But don't I always have fun when I'm with them? Hahas. I need to expand my make up collection. So I'm definitely adding that to my wish list, so that someone out there would buy me a voucher or something. Hahas. There are so many new things I want to buy! It's almost too many to buy at one shot. Not including the fact that I probably wouldn't have enough money. Hahas. There are just too many things to buy x) The sleepover was interesting. Night time talks in the dark are fun, especially people who you cherish. And yet, I couldn't get you out of my mind. But that's for later, let me continue first. The morning after was funny and then lunch was good. Well, there really is nothing much for me to say about work. Only that, that one week without her, was an absolute and total mistake because I can't seem to be around her anymore! Well, I never smile when I'm around her. It's almost like I can't. And yeah, it may be me but who really cares? Because if you don't know by now that I really don't like people who hurt me, I might probably not like you very much. So enough about her, because even talking about her is making me roll my eyes. Hahas. On to my topic of discussion which I have been thinking about since Tuesday, which brings the total day count to 2. That's yesterday and today, in case you can't count.

You shouldn't really be jealous of your friends or what they have between them should you? Because I can say, with a truthful heart, that I was jealous Tuesday night. And oh my goodness, just thinking about him being at least 10 countries away from me just made me want to cry that night in the hotel. Which wasn't really good because they were sleeping in the bed beside me and they would have heard the sobs. And then, the image shifts and changes and another face pops up. How many boys can a girl love at once? Don't ask me, because I don't know. I miss them both equally, almost. I love them both, for their different traits. And I can't choose between them because my heart can't decide. I can safely cross out the third boy, simply because he probably doesn't like me anyway. And I don't think I like him in that way anyway. Because he's probably like an older brother to me, someone who made me smile when all I did was cry. So, the image shifts and then a memory brings back a boy from the past. No, I think I am thoroughly over NC. He's not worth it. A boy who puts himself before anyone else, isn't worth it. Although I am still pondering on why my heart aches when I see him, and when he looks at me and looks away. Every time I am determined to wait for the one who says he loves me, to come back to me, someone else comes along and tempts me. And it's so easy to follow temptation when your heart is almost crying out for someone to love you. But I guess, it means something when at the end of everyday, he's the only one in my thoughts. If he's safe. If he's sleeping. If he's thinking about me like he said he would. The urge to cry every night, is really overwhelming. And I don't know, if that someone does come along before he returns. Someone who'd love me or promise me something I've always wanted, would I wait or would I go. So far I've waited, and my heart aches and eyes hurt. But you know me, men and boys alike run off the moment I start being attached emotionally. It's almost like I'm just something, or at least someone they can just have around for the fun. Which hurts by the way. I don't know much really. I do know that I miss you, a lot. A whole lot. Well, Christmas is around the corner isn't it? Maybe miracles do happen during Christmas. Or maybe God feels extra generous during Christmas and showers more miracles down on us. Hahas. I should be jumping over to my e-mail to send him a letter because he did ask for one. So, I'm stopping here for now. And maybe another conversational topic would hit me in the next few days. And before I go, a message for my special someone. I miss you, J.

Well, I guess that is about all. The date with the girls are confirmed on the Friday before I need to go back to work on Saturday. I've decided not to cut my hair, but I am deciding to do something else with it. Hahas. I'm determined to get more make up. And I guess that's about all that has been up with me. Oh, movie next week with the two of them which I'm looking forward to (: And yes, I think that is about it. Hahas. I'm off to play some games. I think I'll postpone that letter because I'm not feeling exactly happy at the moment. Especially not after all this talk about my aching heart. If you're reading this love, I'll write you soon. I promise. So, this is me getting out of here. I'll hope to see you soon, and I really am beginning to think that no one is reading this blog. Hahas. But that's better for me so I don't have to worry about saying anything that might upset anybody because nobody is reading. Hahas. I'll see you soon, I hope. Take care and God bless.

Amanda Loves You (: