Many things change, but there are some things that never change.

Good Afternoon.

This most has been long over due. I was suppose to do this on Good Friday, which was last Friday but I never did get around to it. So, here it is. It's not so much an intellectual topic so much as a revelation of some kind on my part. I cried when I was thinking about this, which was unfortunately during the Good Friday service we had. I doubt anyone noticed, because really, who notices Amanda during Mass? I'll stop stalling now, and go on with the topic.

Easter is something that comes every year for Christians. For converted Catholics, it comes every year after they are baptized. The true coming of Easter though, I can't say that it does come for everyone yearly. For me, unfortunately, it has been reduced to candles and chocolate eggs. But that was not what I was dwelling on that instigated this post. Every year, when Easter comes around, there are a specific set of services that take place. From Holy Thursday service with the washing of the feet to the almost midnight Easter Vigil service where we have the baptism of the new Catholics. The services are the same, the procedures are the same, almost everything is the same. The only think that have changed are the people. If i remember correctly, I started coming to this church when I was 15, confirmed at 17. Between those two years, could possibly be the best and worst times of my life in this Church. I'm almost 21 now, and between the 6 years that I've been in this Church, it has undergone a face transformation. Plastic Surgery if you want to call it that. I can't say I really miss the look of the old church as who living in Singapore doesn't appreciate an air conditioned service hall to a non air conditioned service hall? Actually, I don't really miss much of the old church aside from the easy access to the rooftop which was most times my own hideaway, and the chairs by the grotto. This brings me back to a long ago memory of my own simplistic view on how life could be handled.

As long as I had them, this 5 friends, standing by me and being with me, there isn't anything too difficult for me to handle, especially life.

You might be wondering where I plucked out the number 5 from, or if I just randomly chose a number from all the possible numbers in the history of numbers. It wasn't a random choice. Remember the grotto I mentioned earlier? There used to be two stone chairs there. They were made of stone and of a very old fashion which could not be found anyway today, not to my knowledge anyway. The chair was fashioned so that when you sat down, your ass would slide to the back of the chair and your legs be hanging over the edge of the seat, as if you were sitting on an upwards ramp. I suppose it would've been good for children because then they would have a less chance of falling out and accidently breaking open their skull. So, the chairs could comfortably sit 3 people on each, which in total would be 6 people. Hence the number 5 because I really couldn't go through life without myself could I? So, back then, for me anyway, just having those 5 people would've been enough for me to go through life and everything it threw at me. I don't think I have ever entirely filled up those 5 spots before. It was always only 4 or maybe even 3. Now, you might be saying, it's not hard to fill up 5 spots with people who'll go through life with you if you've got a wide pool of people to choose from. If you knew me, you would know I don't have a wide pool of people to choose from hence I did have some difficultly. Still, you would need to carefully select, because when you've chosen those five people, you would have to do all in your power to be loyal to them and to be someone who they can turn to if they ever need help. Of course this is only my point of view, I'm not particularly sure how everyone else treats their friends, but I like to actually be there for my friends and to be loyal to them. Being loyal to a fault really isn't an actual fault, in my book anyway. Back to the topic at hand, it was upsetting to realize that you had lost the very people you thought you could've count on for life in whatever situation you may face. It's even more upsetting realizing that there are some people who you would give almost anything for to be your friend. Not for status, not for fame, not for anything but your own selfish happiness you gain when you're with them. If you've known me long enough, you might have an idea of who I'm referring to. I can say that I would be happy if he came back into my life, even as a friend and yet, at times I am undecided. Aren't the friends you make a reflection of your personality? Or your character? There is also someone else I want back, and am still undecided about it. Simply because I don't wish to force my friendship on someone who clearly doesn't want or care for my friendship. It's one thing to be brushed off from a stranger, it's another entirely different thing to be brushed off from a friend you've known for almost 5 years and the fact that you've considered her one of your best friends. But winding my way back to the topic at hand, I'm wondering if I should adpot my 5 friends approach to life again. It may seem to be childish and too simplistic for someone whose been through life for almost 21 years, but if you hadn't noticed, that's pretty much who I aspire to be. Someone whose childlike and simple. Well, I've only got one place left if I'm adopting my 5 friends approach again. You should know whose in the first, second and third. My last place should be left for the man whose going to make me a very happy girl one day because, that's what I want him to be. My best friend, my lover and my husband. Well, of course the father of my children but let's not scare away the potential boys. So, one spot left. Whose the lucky one? Or the one whose cursed with my friendship for eternity.

I should be rushing off to work now. I don't particularly feel upset after this post because I suppose, I've almost come to terms with myself. One always needs to understand one's self to actually get through life in one piece. Till my next post, which should be soon (or as I always say) take care and thank you for reading!

Amanda Loves You [:

Rules that apparently, don't apply.

Good Morning!

No, I'm not actually feeling very elated or happy, the exclamation mark is merely to throw you off course. Bet it did. It has been an interesting 10 hours and I thought I should come and share my wonder and awe at the things some people do. Mainly, it's as the title says, rules that apparently, don't apply. I can't promise that it'll be exciting or something you've never seen before, it might mostly be just a ranting on my part. Hence I'm warning you first to click on the red cross, if you don't want to hear me rant, rather than complain that I've wasted at least 5 minutes of your time on earth.

Please ensure that you are at least half an hour early for Mass so you can prepare the equipment for Mass.

That's the first rule I'm starting off with. Ok, so maybe I had been a few times late before the rule was actually stated. Maybe it was stated because of me, and for that, I apologize. But, as a rule creator, I would think that you should lead by example. Apparently not. Or so I found out today. The equipment, which was suppose to be prepared at least 15minutes before Mass began, was turned on only 5minutes before Mass started. What is up with that? So, I would have actually forgotten about him coming late for Mass if he didn't come up to me and tell me to come early for Mass next Thursday. Now, seriously. What is up with THAT? I would have talked back to him if I was in the mood, but Lady GaGa's been keeping me mellow for a few days now.

Just do what I tell you, don't follow what I'm doing.

I've realized this has been broken by many. Parents, people in authority, and just about anyone who isn't firm in their own teaching. Many don't realize it though, I've just realized today. When we tell someone to not do something, we, ourselves may end up doing exactly what we had told someone else not to do. Someone's done that to you before, haven't they? Well, I don't encourage you to tell that person in the face that they had not done what they preached, but it's just something for you to think about. Although it is nice to point it out to them, just not in front of a crowd. It can be embarrassing.

Well, my nose is sufficiently annoying me enough to want to cut this short and head to bed. I'll blog more another day. Maybe I'll mention the funny wrong name accident I had with mummy today. It was truly hilarious! Well, April is here so I really should start studying. I'll drop by again soon! Especially when I get back the rest of my test papers. Thanks for reading, and come back for more! Hahas. 'Night all.

Amanda Really Loves You [:

Finding peace in chaos.

Afternoon.

It's been a while, a very long while since I last stopped by here for a chat. Many things has changed, and as you should be able to tell, I'm almost not as happy as I was the last time I stopped by for a bit. Well, granted I wasn't that happy the last time I stopped by here either, I could say I am worse off. The world's not a very allocative efficient place is it? I just finished a 5 hour lecture, I wouldn't go so far as to say my brains have been fried, but I have come out of this lecture happier than I did last Saturday and Sunday. Those who were around, you know why. For those who weren't around, let's just say I have a whole lot of information to catch up on before the 14 of May rolls around. If you still don't understand, give up. Or ask me on MSN, if you're very sure I wouldn't bite your head off.

In respect to boys, I don't know what I am really doing anymore. Everything always happens a little too late, and I've been regretting my decisions almost instantly as I make them. It's not a very nice feeling, trust me. I have decided though, to just stop making decisions until the last minute. It's almost like someone's waiting for me to make a decision and then throw some more paint into the mixing pot. It's bloody annoying, that's what it is. Or maybe, just too many movies playing around in my head. Just maybe. But for now, I would say I'm comfortable where I am. Scratch that, I'm constantly wondering if you're a good choice for me and for yourself. Well, mainly if I'm a good choice for you. And despite your assurances, I still don't feel assured. I would like to thank those who've talked to me and heard me out. The numerous shirts I've wet with my tears, the ears I've talked deaf and most of all, the hugs I've stolen without consent. You may not read this, but know that whatever I choose to do, I do it to hopefully make you proud of me. I don't want to be a girl who makes her choice because she's afraid of being alone, or of how the choice would affect her and her alone. I do it so that everyone in the situation would be better off, or at least in some way, better than there are now. Well, that should be about the length at which I'll think about this further. I am suppose to be taking a break from him, a long extended break that doesn't require me to think. Not even for a second.

Its unnerving how much I don't really know considering almost 8 months has passed since I started attending classes again. It could be my lack of a curious nature, and hence I haven't done anything over and above what was given. I can't say I'm particularly upset because not doing as well, would mean that I will pull up my socks and work for a better grade. I only do hope my work does produce fruits. Despite my sayings of quitting school or just forgoing the whole idea, I really want to do this. I don't know why, but I do. I would jump a leap and say that I actually do in real fact like studying, but that might be too much for my body to handle. Or even my mind, for that matter. It's really too much of a stress factor, than anything else. But then again, because you enjoy doing something, should it really come as second nature to you? I will buck up, I will. I might not do it as quickly as some, or as consistent as some but I really will. I just need to get over everything that is happening now and get down to studying. By getting over, I actually mean ignore. I don't intend to solve any of the problems I have now before I start studying. Because I, unfortunately, foresee that these problems are going to take countless nights, many more tears and more energy than I can spare to solve or even try to dissect the problem. Hence, studying will come first. And if any one is really interested, I got 48/100 for statistics. It's a pass, but I will be aiming to work for that 75/100. If I have nothing to show for my life, I at least want this to show for my time here. It may be shallow, but hey, it's Amanda right?

I really should be going soon. We've got mass tonight, and I actually intend to relieve some stress tonight via my constant way of killing monsters. It's really a pretty fun thing to do, killing monsters. Yes, it may have increased my violent tendencies, but haven't I already always been violent? Well, I really should be going now. There's really nothing else that comes to mind that I want to talk about, so I shall take my leave. I will be back soon, hopefully with a better topic than what I had in mind today. Finding peace in chaos. Ok, so I haven't even touched on it. But I'm sure you know what it entails. Finding peace in chaos. You need chaos first before you find peace, so, go out there and create chaos! No, I'm just joking. Ok, making lame jokes is a sure sign that I need to go. The brain has already put up the 'out for the day' sign, so I should stop knocking on the door to ask for help on what else I could possibly say in my blog. Hence, have a good day ahead and I'll be back soon. Hopefully.

Amanda Loves You [:

Relationships and their foundations.

Good Morning.

Yes, it is 2am in the morning and I am still up. No, don't get excited. I wasn't up studying or doing anything time worthy. Hahas. I was just up, thinking again. It seems that no matter what you do, or how your attitude towards things are. There are some things done, or words said, that will never be fully erased from your memory. Even when you refuse to give these people the satisfaction of knowing their actions or words have affected you; they still do in some form or other. You just have to be strong enough to not show them that what they have said or done has affected you. And that in itself, is a big feat.

It's been almost 3 years since that fateful afternoon. I have gladly deleted the offending piece of garbage last year. Don't ask me what took me so long, even I cannot fathom what took me so long to delete the offending notice. But what matters is that I have deleted it. Yet, when the lights are turned down and there's no one else around but me, the words flow in the darkness like the bogey man stalking a child. Never really revealing itself, but still instills the fear and anxiety in it's target. It's not fear nor anxiety the words invoke in me. It's more of, crumbling what little self esteem I have left. Maybe it's more of the shock of how crude and uncaring a person can be in the face of a hard situation. I still like to think that because I hope I'll never be as crude or uncaring to anyone else in desperate times, then no one would do it to me. I know. The world is cruel. But I think, deep down, I don't really believe that. Everyone has to have their reasons, I don't believe anyone can be evil or bad just because they feel like it. It is virtually impossible, isn't it? Ok, so maybe I'm sounding more like a six year old child asking her parents why her pet dog died than a girl of almost twenty one whose trying to find the world's secret. Back to the point. I still am undecided if it's the shock that's causing this or the actual words that are hammering at my self esteem. I'm banking more on the words than the shock. I have definitely had my fair share of shocks before this happened. Sure, it has been almost 3 years to date, but I still remember the choice word. Pity. How pathetic do I have to be to have a guy go out with me because he pitied me? Very darn low if I have to say so myself. And frankly speaking, I wasn't even depressed at that point in time. So why is it still affecting me, you may wonder? Because if I thought I wasn't low, but someone else did. Does that trash whatever I've been thinking about myself? Or do I really not have accurate view of myself in my mind? I expected him to say he didn't love me. I expected him to say he was just on the rebound, and I was the closest thing he could rebound on. Even I, with my self esteem in tatters, could laugh at that. I know this must sound really odd, but I really have been throwing theories around in my head. No one else would do it with me because they'll just say he's a jerk off and really isn't worth my time. You may think I'm obsessing over him, but I assure you, I'm not. Frankly, I am glad we're not together anymore because I pity the girl who has to live with his mother for the rest of her natural life. I mean seriously? I bet unless you gave her a grandson, you'll never be good enough for her. Hahas. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I'm not obsessing over him, I just want to know if I do have an accurate view of myself or is my mind twisted in such a way that I can't really see myself accurately anymore? No one can tell me the answer. Maybe God can, but I'm not banking on it. There are other people out there who require him more than I do. I just wish to finally be able to maybe forget, and start building myself up again.

I was thinking about this the other day in the shower. Relationships and how properly building it's foundation can lead to various outcomes. My first example:

Two people who like each other. No one really knows for certain how deep the affection runs but, they've decided not to take the leap and just remain friends. For the simple fact that she, never remains friends with her past boyfriends. And so, she'll rather remain friends than take the plunge and see what could be.

Obviously no foundation has been built because they were too afraid of one of the possible outcomes of the relationship to even try. I know that breaking up is always a possible outcome when you jump into a relationship with someone, but letting that rule your decision to be with that person, is it really wise? Who knows, he could be the one and you'll get married and have a dozen children. Well, I know that they did value their friendship more than thinking about the what if so, maybe that was a good decision for them. But still, I do wonder about the what if. Simply because I thought they would have made an almost perfect couple.

Two people who are mildly interested in each other. Decide to get together under the pressure of their friends. Taking into account that they have only known each other for less than a few months, the relationship ends a few months later. Both parties are not talking to each other, and I suspect, don't like the other very much.

I don't know about this one though. Although I think a lack of foundation building would definitely affect the relationship? I mean, how would you know what the person wants from the relationship. Or the small quirks and habits of that person. Sure, we're not talking about living together yet, but there are other quirks and habits that easily get on each other's nerves. But how much time is enough time to build the foundations of a relationship? I can't give you an exact figure because there really is no time limit. You just have to be able to say you accept that person for who he or she is, inclusive of their habits and quirks.

I have a third scenario to present, but I would think that actually being in love with someone would not need any proper foundations to be set or made. I'm almost certain love will either blind you or give you the strength to accept the person for who he or she is. Quirks and habits included. I'll still be dreaming of that true love, but until then, this is just food for thought.

Ok, so it is about 3.30am now. I do have to be in church at 5pm for mass. I do hope I won't wake up at 4pm. Now that would be disastrous. So, I should be headed to bed soon. Till the next time I blog, or if I see you around, take care and good night.

Amanda really loves you.

Dreams.

Good Evening.

I only just realized that I've got less than a week to enjoy my stress free days. We were planning to go down to SGH on Thursday which would not be possible tomorrow since mother needs to make something before we can go back. So I suggested that we could go next week and she didn't need to be so stressed about it; when she then shattered my carefully built world that next week was the 19th. Oh gods. I sat there for a whole minute, after which my brain caught up and calculated that it was indeed the 19th. It's amazing how time flies so quickly when you're not trained on it? But the moment you stare at the clock for more than a minute, time slows to a crawl. Someone should sacrifice themselves and sit in front of the clock and stare at it. Hahas. And it seems today is the day which Amanda is to be shocked into oblivion because as I was updating my scheduler, i realized that after my last revision class which is PBF on the 30th of April my first FINAL exam is on the 7th of May. OMFG. But on the bright side, at least what I have studied wouldn't have that much time to leak away through the holes in my mind. And who knows, I may just pass my final exams. Heh.

Everyone seems to be getting FaceBook. I couldn't imagine the time when I stared at Natasha when she was talking about FaceBook and went 'What? Are you talking about Friendster?' Hahas. Oh, the good old days. I miss Natasha ._. Not to mention I miss half the people I used to talk to all the time in IJ. Sigh. It seems that when I'm not rushing to try and get a decent grade for my exam, or surrounded by people who are constantly shouting (Fiesta, for those clueless ones) all these feelings come back full force and I have to sit and stare at space for a moment remembering before I can go on. Pathetic. But it really is no harm in missing your friends is there? Anyhow, Miss Jiang is busy with her projects and I should really start preparing myself for the final league towards the finals, and my freedom. I think my trip back to SGH should satisfy myself for sometime and then after the finals, despite work, I'll definitely make sure I have as many outings as possible.

Have you ever had a nightmare and yet didn't wake up because you wanted to know the outcome of the nightmare? I think yesterday's dream/nightmare wasn't really of that nature. Maybe it was due to watching Van Helsing before I went to bed, but the dream/nightmare really did spook me. The images are slowly fading, so I can't recall with exact precision as I did this afternoon, but it did start out as a normal dream. No, not of unicorns and rainbows. I actually dreamt about going back to SGH again. Hahas. Well, I don't really think I want to dive back into my memory for the dream, it's locked away with all the unpleasant things I would rather forget, but am unable to. Although I'm just curious, has anyone ever had a dream/nightmare that you knew wasn't happening but choose not to wake up and see the dream through? I really think I'm awfully weird for being the first.

I think I should try to sleep earlier today. There wouldn't be anyone around to keep me company on Fiesta anyhow, so there's no point in staying up right? I'm far too lazy to level on my own, and I am upset at the rate I'm working through the stones. I don't know I have enough fame to sustain this addiction of mine. Hahas. I think tomorrow, I might start preparations for the finals. I really need to get this down because I really do want that first class honors. I'm sure half the school wants them too, but maybe, just maybe this time I wouldn't let myself down.

Well, I suppose I should end here. I need to go drink water, change, get ready for bed and anything else I feel I might have to do. I'm already yawning, so I don't think sleeping early is going to be a problem tonight. Hahas. Well, thanks for dropping by. I haven't been out much, so there aren't that many random thoughts in my head to blog about. Trust me, I'm always waiting for those random thoughts to return. At least that means I'm like my old self, in some way. Anyhow, I'm off. Thanks for dropping by again, and maybe I'll see you soon [:

Amanda Loves You Always [:

Do dreams foretell your future?

Good afternoon.

Ok, so it hasn't been one day or a week since my last post. But, it has been less than 2 weeks. Hahas. Admittedly, I've been awfully busy with the ongoing [currently over] mock exams and trying to figure out how to balance my reality with my virtual world. Nevertheless, now that the mock exams are over [thank heavens!] I should try and blog more often. I had actually decided to make this blog known, but it seems that no one's really interested in reading. And if you include the factor where I will say what I wish and not stand corrected unless it will cause serious damage, I'm still unsure if I should put this blog up for public viewing. Maybe I should take that leap and plunge into the pool? I'm undoubtly sure that I wouldn't really be offending anyone with what I intend to blog about anyway. How many people can be offended by what Amanda thinks? Well, ok, maybe some but I don't think all of them will. Hahas! I'll tag mavis I suppose, it seems everyone does read her blog [:

Yes, the mock exams are over and I am taking this period [10/03 - 18/03] to satisfy my need for late nights and irresponsible behaviour. I already accomplished this last night, and frankly speaking, don't think I will ever do it again because it shoots my day to hell in one second. So much for satisfying my need to be irresponsible. Just so you know, I slept at 7am and officially woke up at 4.30pm. Hahas. Amazing isn't it? I used to be able to deal with less sleep but maybe your body can't take as much as you grow older. And who said that we are at the prime of their life? At this age, we are either studying so hard for the exams or working to earn money to spend. I think only the ones who are supported by their parents can at least try to have the time of their life. Hahas. Though, I think I'm pretty ok with how my life is now. Maybe clubbing really isn't the thing for me, although I've recently discovered I do like to dance. Hahas. And yes, those of you who've gone clubbing with me, I know it doesn't seem like it but I've always been a shy girl. You should know that by now.

I wonder if a person's dream could be the foretelling of the future, or if it's just our subconscious telling us what they want? I only know of one dream I've ever had that actually did come true. I dreamt that I got caught in the rain in school and when I woke up, I decided to pack an umbrella despite the bright sun and surprisingly enough, it did rain when I was on my way home. Exactly at where I dreamt I was in the dream. Although I felt that yesterday's dream is just my subconscious telling me what I want to do within these few days I have off from the duty of being a diligent student. To go out with my friends, and definitely spend more time with him. Also included is my trip down to SGH. Now that's settled, I should start making plans. It's always too long if I haven't seen my friends for more than a day.

Van Helsing is on Channel5 tonight. Hence I wouldn't be at my computer during most times, only during the commercials. So if you desperately need to contact me, you can try my mobile. Which I will check at periodic timings i.e. when my message keeps ringing every 2minutes. That's all for today, my nose is annoying the daylights out of me and so I'm just going to go sit around and laze and wait till it's time to leave for J8 and then Mass. So, I'll be back soon. That much, I can promise! Toodles!

Amanda Loves You [:

Exams, exams, exams, exams.

Good Afternoon.



Wow. I know. It's been a long break hasn't it? Almost 2 months and 3 days to be exact. I checked my blog for the last post xP So many things has happened since my last post, since Christmas. I've survived a multitude of things, just so you know, and frankly, I do feel I'm at a better place than I was last Christmas. Then again, aren't you moving to different places everyday? As someone said today 'we do it to watch the gradual change.' Or, something along those lines. It seems my memory has some problems with retaining information. It seriously must be the songs I've been listening to, and have been listening to for the past 21 years. All the lyrics, taking up valuabe space. And yet, I'm not willing to throw them away. Music is my life, even if I am unable to fully create it perfectly yet.



Now, I am serious with continuing this blog. I should revert to the main purpose of this blog, only one post a day and something exciting. I really don't find my life to be of any much cause for excitement so I'll try to keep you entertained. Ah, it really feels good to be typing again. Who knows, maybe once the exams are over, I'll start on my stories.



What have I been up to? Mostly studying, and gaming. Ok, mostly gaming and then studying. It's pretty bad once Amanda gets addicted to something, or rather, it becomes the only outlet she has from reality. I would most often take a virtual reality over my own reality. But regardless of that, I am trying to come back to my own reality. It really isn't that awful once you take a step, or maybe a thousand steps back, and look at it. Sometimes, you go so far back you can't really see the problem anymore. Then, you can delight in just being yourself and not worrying about other people. Just please, don't dance and step over everyone's toes. Now that is just being plain annoying. Actually, studying only came into the picture a few days ago. Yes, my prelims are around the corner, oh wait. *peeks around the corner* they're gone. *screams* that's cause it's right here beside me. Well now, I have to run. Simply because I'm off to work. I will, will blog again tonight. And just so I don't break my first rule on the first day back, I'll have it post up after midnight! Ha, take that suckers!

Amanda really does love you [:

Christmas is around the corner, again.

Good Afternoon.


It's been almost two months since I've visited this blog. I doubt anyone has been visiting this blog anyway. Hahas! Nevertheless, I'm here cause there are somethings that just cannot be covered up or hidden anymore. Well, for one, Christmas is around the corner, again. It seems like such a joyous event. Even "The Nightmare Before Christmas" wasn't as melodramatic as I am feeling now. Well, I'm actually sure that all movies revolving around Christmas is never as slow or as upsetting as I am now being. No, I'm not upset that I'm alone this Christmas. I was alone last Christmas too remember? Johnny all the way in Iraq, doing God knows what. But I was happier then, still. I think it was the absence of what's happening this Christmas. The Family Gathering. Even saying it is reining in the clouds around my head. Lighting, thunder, anything that makes me shudder in fright of the unknown. I still remember being happy, a few weeks ago, with the announcement of the celebration. Well, that was when I invited my friends. Now, they can't make it. I know I shouldn't have hoped since, not everyone is like me, who dread Christmas with their family. Hahas. So what am I doing here? I'm trying to cheer myself up, can't you tell?



There's a Christmas Dinner at Sharon's place on Saturday. Yes, Sharon is back and so is Erika. It feels better somehow. At least not all my friends are overseas huh? Not that I'm more inclined to call them now with this depression quickly pulling me under. Well, you should know I'm still trying otherwise I wouldn't be here now would I? I'm not sure if I want to go yet. When she first messaged me, my first thought was YES, Definitely! And now, I'm just like. "I really don't want to screw up another person's Christmas" Amanda's mind is a very curious and weird place, I know! So what should I do? Go for the dinner or stay at home and try to get some homework done? I wish there was an easier route, but there never is, is there?



I'm hooked on Twilight. No, it's not because of the actors, the books are actually pretty amazing. Well, I've only got the first two books. I'm debating if I should get "Breaking Dawn" at MPH first because both Borders and MPH do not have "Eclipse" I know that there is nothing on earth that could stop me from reading "Breaking Dawn" first before I've even touched "Eclipse" and so, I think I'll not present the temptation to myself. I have already read "New Moon" twice. Just finished my second time last night. I tried reading one chapter by one chapter to make the reading longer. First night, I finished till chapter 4. And then, well, I finished the rest of the book by the second night. Hahas! It's terrible, I know. I haven't even started studying yet. But I will, I swear I will. I need to. So, I'm so wind up about getting the next two books. At first I thought I was going to get all four and the excitement was just making me feel all funny inside. Yes, I haven't really felt excited in a long time. But then they only had two books and that wave of excitement came crashing down and it felt something akin to disappointment. I don't even want to begin to describe what disappointment means when the books were not yet in yesterday at Borders. I swear I could almost feel like crying, and even collecting my yearly honey baked ham wasn't enough to make me smile, fully. It seems very much like an addiction right? Well, frankly speaking, I'm hoping to satisfy it before school starts. Because I really need to start concentrating. Economics is getting more complicated, as is PBF. POA is just going way off course at the moment and Stats is, keeping me sane, surprisingly. I haven't been writing no, the last story I started, it's still in the computer. I haven't had the time or the willpower to sit down and write when I could've been reading. Well, I might probably read twilight again tonight.



I should be off. Mother's coming home with lunch and I need to get that smile back on. Everything feels so dead around me. Sometimes I wonder if I actually do have the ability to suck the life out of anything. Or the fun, out of anything. I hate feeling like this, but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I hope there's something that could make me smile, sincerely. Till the next time I decide to pop back, I promise I'll be back soon, take care and God bless.

Amanda Does Love You Immensely [:

Trust, and life in general.

Good Morning.

It seems all my posts are done only when a quarter the world is asleep, while another quarter is having lunch. The other two quarters, I'm not very sure what they are doing. I should be in bed, yes, even if it is a Saturday already. Mother's still sleeping and I don't have the heart to wake her, but if I don't, she'll just complain about how we don't have enough money. Sometimes, I wish I could drive or at least find a good paying job. Hopefully with this new job, I'll be able to get us through. I'm still thinking of how to occupy my Mondays to Wednesdays. Anyone with help, let me know please? I'm almost desperate enough to do anything.

I just finished a movie marathon of sorts with mummy. Fast and Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Fast and Furious - Tokyo Drift. A few of the best shows I've watched in a while. It seems the racing fever has got us. We watched Death Race the other day. Caught Herbie: Fully Reloaded on Channel5 last Sunday. And now this three movies. The cars were really awesome and maybe, if it weren't for the traffic Singapore roads endure everyday, I just might take up driving. You know, racing for cash isn't so bad either. It's just, it's not exactly allowed in Singapore is it? Hence, there's no avenue to earn money. Right now, I'm regretting not going for the job interview for the F1 race weekend. Sure there wouldn't be a guarantee that they would've taken me but, I still had a shot right? Anyway, let's not dwell on that anymore shall we? I made my choice, let's move on. So watching the show, something from the last movie struck a chord with me. A quote, which is pretty much a good quote to keep by yourself for the long run.

Life's simple. You make choices and you don't look back - Han, Tokyo Drift

If you think about it, it really is that simple isn't it? The hard part is sticking to your choices and not looking back. How many of us really makes a hard decision and not look back? I've looked back a million times, even if it wouldn't really change the past, I still look back. Isn't it only in our nature to long for something unattainable to us? I don't know, I'm just throwing out random suggestions. Maybe I should, start today, to make the choices I want and to not look back. No matter the outcome of these choices. I also need to stop looking back on my other choices. Frankly speaking, I don't know if I can. Did I mention, I'm talking to ST and BT again. The two people I thought I would never talk to again in my whole life. I admit, it's easier to approach a person online than it is to approach a person in real life. Maybe that's why I flourish better on screen than off screen? I don't know where this is going. I don't really want to know either, because then it'll only mean I'll have to make a choice of where and how I want it to go. I rather just sit tight and hold on. The ride's more fun that way, don't you think? I'm not sure about you though, EW. Can we still be friends when all we can do it talk online and never see each other face to face? I don't know if I can, so maybe I wouldn't try. After all, maybe you've already forgotten me. I should put all my efforts into forgetting you too, don't you think?

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough - Frank Crane

Someone else told me something about trust too. I'm not sure if this is the quote word for word but, here it is. Trust cannot be earned; it can only be lost. What do you think? I think it's true. The person who said it, he said that we should trust everyone we meet. Not limiting our trust to how we first percieve the person but instead, trusting that person despite of what our initial impression of that person is. I've actually tried it you know, when school started. So far, it's been quite good. I've smiled at random strangers, not that I didn't before this but yeah. I've made a few new friends, within the OG and outside the OG. Now, I just need to find a way to get myself through it all. It's good to have friends isn't it? But what happens when you realize that you can't stand some of the friends you've made? That just by being beside them, or seeing them, you get annoyed beyond reason. You're trying so hard to keep it under wraps, but knowing you, someone is bound to notice it sooner or later. What do you do? I don't know what to do, except to act like I'm perfectly all right and play along. Another outing is coming up. I think it'll be a good trial run for me, don't you think? Except now, the only thing stopping me is myself and the need for money. It's about $10 for the food, I'm not sure about the bicycle rental. I really don't mind learning how to cycle, you know. It might be fun. And then myself. I don't know if I can endure another day like the last outing we had. I just, don't know. Or maybe I've just become lazy with staying home all day. I need to start getting myself to do some work aside from sitting in front of the com daily.

Ok, my mind's not working. I'm sorry. I was hoping to give you a better read. If it helps any, I'm planning to write another song fic. Hopefully it'll come out more successful and totally like what I was thinking about. Thanks for dropping by, I'm going to crash.

Amanda Loves You Lots [:

Acceptance.

Good Morning.

I know I should be in bed and I will be there in a matter of minutes. I just needed to type out this post because. Simply because. It has been a tough day. My body seems to refuse to do anything I wish it would. The dreams wouldn't stop, my mind wouldn't stop working. Even when all the stars have gone to bed. Is it possible for a heart that is already broken to be broken again? Who am I kidding. Of course it is possible. My heart's already been broken more times than I care to count. Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept the fact that my heart has already been broken and would still be broken again in the future? I don't know. Can one really stop one's heart from being broken by another? If I kept my heart in a glass case and stored it away in a forgotten place. Wouldn't I still hurt when the boy who loves me, decides to love someone else because I'm too afraid to give him my heart? If I continued loving as I am, giving my heart away when I feel I'm in love. Wouldn't I still be hurt if he decides I'm not the one for him, and carelessly drops my heart? There is simply no way one can stop one's heart from being broken by another is there? I'm guessing, the only thing that one can do would be to learn how to pick up the pieces and be very good at puzzles. At least with a skill in doing puzzles, one might be able to piece back one's heart to it's almost perfect shape. I want you to keep my heart. I want you to keep my heart so that I would never fall in love with another man. I want you to keep my heart so that another could never hurt me. A whole night, I spent thinking up the ways I'll ask you. In one second, your words sliced up my heart, even before it was placed into your hands. You'll never take my heart, I know that now. It doesn't matter if you want to protect me because, can you protect me from yourself? I don't even know how to protect myself from you. I apologize, if I ever seem too cold or too aloof around you. I'm trying not to hurt you, I'm desperately trying not to hurt myself. I don't want to give my heart to someone else. I gave up once, one a boy I thought I could forget. I miss him and I miss what could have been. I don't want to give up. The future holds endless possibilities for us, doesn't it? Although you may never forget her, or love me, my heart, right now, is yours for the keeping. I'll be selfish, and take what I can now. So that on nights when I desperately need to feel you with me, I'll remember them and be able to smile. Let me have the memories, you can have my heart.

Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept that the one who has a place in your heart is her while I am merely a distraction until you're strong enough to face her? Wouldn't I be making a fool out of myself by letting myself be used? I could put an end to it. To stop being there when you need a shoulder. To stop being there when you need a time out from her. It would hurt me, definitely, without a doubt. Because, I would never talk to you again. If you're not dealing with her, or trying to get her back, you're in school. If you're not in school, you're online and possibly talking to me. Never talking to you again would hurt me, definitely, without a doubt. I'll miss you, terribly. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Unfortunately in my case, it's true to the very last stroke. How about I just let it carry on? I'll still hurt, without a doubt. One way or another, you'll point out how I'm just a distraction until you're ready to face her away. Your words, they'll cut like a hot knife through butter. Your words, the knife. My heart, the butter. In the end, I'll still hurt. Wouldn't I? It seems, I can never win against you. Do you miss me only because I missed you first? I cannot say what you replied me with didn't hurt. Let's not talk about her, I miss you. How can you say things like this? You think she's playing with you, I think you're playing with my heart. What can I really do about it? Either way, my heart's bound to be sliced up from all sides and I don't see anything that I can do to prevent it, unfortunately. I've thought about it, so many times, to tell you to stop talking about her. Then I wonder, what else are we going to talk about? There used to be teasing, flirting, laughter, jokes between us. Now it feels awkward because you know how I feel. You don't act like it, sometimes we fall back to how we were before and it feels so right. Then you say something to mess it up, and I turn my face so you wouldn't see the tears. How do I stop you from being you, when I love you for the way you are?

Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept that nothing I do will ever be good enough and that I should just give up? Time and time again. I do my best, I keep trying. Hopefully all my efforts would pay off in the end. Yet, you're still as stubborn as the first day I met you. Should I just accept that you're never going to give me a chance? I could, you know. Give up, let go, walk away. Then I would never forgive myself for not giving my all until I have nothing left to do something better for the people. I would, might, let down some people who have placed their faith in me. Most of all, I would've let myself down. I always thought that I would be able to weather any storm, simply because I am me. Walking away like this, wouldn't be me because I would never choose to walk away. I'm determined to never choose to walk away. I could continue fighting against you. Every week, every month, every year. Until you relent. Even the hardest rock will be weathered by water over time. But how much longer can I go on before I finally lose it? My control over sanity. My control over myself. My control over my emotions. As it is, I'm teetering on the edge of insanity just interacting with you. I don't know how much longer of your indifference I can take. I don't know how much longer I can fight you without losing my sanity. I keep thinking, I keep questioning, I keep wondering. I don't know who to ask for guidance. I'm so clouded by anger at you that praying doesn't help anymore. I'm so afraid that if I ask someone for guidance, I might end up screaming at that person for no reason. I'm already so unstable as it is. I've let up, somewhat, on thinking about ways to get you to let me do the slides. But how can I ignore the horrible slides you're commissioning? How can I just sit back and watch you do things the wrong way? I don't know, but it seems I have to. You're not going to listen to me, you're not going to listen to your peers, you're not going to listen to anyone but that small insignificant voice in your head that tells you you're above the rest. Maybe I should accept it and let it go. It's just, I'm not doing this without regret. I want to be able to do things in my life, without regret. I've regretted so many things before, I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting. But what do I do now? I don't want to lose my sanity, I don't want to give up.

Acceptance. Should one, like me, accept that I've already given up on us and should have no concern over what is going on in your life? Yes, I know I was the one who gave up on us. You were the one who let me down first. It seems so trivial now but, I knew, I would've given in to you if you had only fought for me. I would've thrown away my pride, my will, my decision, if you had only fought for me. All you had to do was ask me to stay, and I would have. All you had to do was ask me not to leave, and I would have. All you had to do was ask me to be your friend, and I would have. But the blame's not on you, it's on me. I walked away. Although the funny thing is, I'm not sure if I regret it. If I had stayed, I would still be waiting in the dark for you. Now that I've left, I only constantly wonder how you are. Or maybe, the thoughts only came back to me when you returned a month ago. I admit, I haven't thought that much about you when I didn't see you. I don't really know what I feel anymore, towards you, that is. I forfeited the right to care about you when I walked away. Why is it so hard for me to look at you now? Why is it so hard for you to look at me now? I wanted to look at you, to drink in the sight of you. I didn't do it, simply because I cannot allow myself to get drunk on fantasies again. I lost myself once, I can't afford to lose myself again. I think I should accept that we can never be anything more than strangers. Not in this lifetime anyway. Maybe in another life time, maybe in another dimension. I don't see a future for us, in this lifetime. Not even as friends. I hope that if we do meet again, in another life time. I'll be good enough for you, and that you wouldn't disappoint me again.

Right now, I'm lacking sleep. I will immediately hop into bed so, no long goodbyes tonight. Thank you for reading, I'll try to cheer up and give you a happier post the next time I decide to blog. Take care, and God bless.

Amanda Loves You Lots [:

The Makeover Inc

So here are the photos that I took at The Makeover Inc. They aren't in order and since it's already so late, I'm just too lazy to organize them. I posted the photos here just in case you're too lazy too drop by the Facebook. Let me know what you think!

I think the photographer was trying to go for the 'lounging on the beach' pose. I think it actually came out quite nicely. Although I would've preferred if I was lying on a sofa instead of against an ironing board. I'm guessing they had to make do with what they had. Nevertheless, it was a good invention. I surely wouldn't have thought of it.

I probably wouldn't say this was my personal favorite although I have always wanted to do this pose. Gives you a relaxed feeling. Perhaps a feeling of longing if I wasn't smiling so much either. At least now, I know I can look good while lying on the study table!

Definitely have to be my favorite picture. I think the cute girl look does go with short hair, it might've looked a little funny if I had long hair. I might be thinking about printing this photo again. It's actually quite nice, with the extra space to the right side of the photo. A pretty nice shot don't you think? There is another one, at the top of the post. That was more of an up close one. It wasn't too bad either but I still prefer this one.

The only half body photo I took on my mother's insistence.

And that concludes the photos I got out of the makeover shoot. Only 12 because they charge $10 per photo. Well, at least I've got something to commemorate having short hair willingly. After this, I think I will keep my hair long and perm it like I always wanted to. Curls, they're my next stop.

To let it go or not to let it go.

Good Evening.

To let it go, or not to let it go. That, my dear readers, is the question. I always seem to quote some famous literature quote when I'm in a foul mood. Or if everything is just not going right. I can't say that, to say that would be a lie. A big, fat, lie. Today wasn't a bad day. It really wasn't bad at all. Although yes, I was late to school so I wasn't in time to hand up my economics assignment but there is always Wednesday! Everything after that really wasn't so bad. Even the burnt porridge was edible. The movie was great, the cinema was really empty! Although I think the guy sitting beside me was quite cute. Yes, he had a girlfriend. It wasn't like I was staring at him or anything. A girl can see a lot from just a few glances. Not to mention, I spotted a ultra hot pair of shoes on this girl. It was at least 4 inches, with the platform in front and it was red! Bright hot red. So pretty right? Yes, I dragged my mother out of the cinema hall, after the movie of course, to go look at the shoe. It was so pretty! Ok, after that, we walked into a shoe shop and didn't buy anything. I wasn't all that upset, the shoes really did feel weird when I tried them on. Anyway, then off to Diva. The necklaces there are really pretty! Especially the extra chunky ones. I really need to start dressing up, or at least accessorising. All my earrings are beginning to collect dust, as well as my necklaces. Opps! So after the movie, we went to get a drink. The Mango Chiller that I had today, totally sucked. I was pretty upset so I went back to have it changed. I didn't want to have a oddly tasting Mango Chiller so I decided to have a Chocolate drink instead. I wasn't disappointed! Although I really would've liked to have had my mango chiller. I miss it, badly. Anyhow, after we got our drinks, I went to see Sally to drop off my time sheet. The poor thing sprained her ankle. It must've been the high heels I always see her in at the office. Nevertheless, get well soon Sally! They are counting on you to find them a replacement for me! Then off it was to collect my photos! Trust me when I say the photos looked pretty awesome! If you wanna have a look for yourself, hop on down to my Facebook site. I'm not sure if you can see them without being a friend but if you can't, let me know and I'll send them to you some how! And after collecting my pictures, we went shopping! Ok, it wasn't intentionally. Really, seriously, cross my heart and hope to die serious.

The first buy was an overcoat of sorts. It's not exactly an overcoat and neither was it a shawl. It was more like something to drape over yourself without the intention of keeping you warm. We have been looking for it since forever and mother's pretty glad we got it. She's been complaining that I haven't been wearing my dresses since forever and hopefully with the overcoat, I'll wear them more often. I don't understand why she doesn't just give away the dresses when she's also complaining that my cupboard has no more space? Hahas. The wonders of your mother's mind, I'm sure it's something we will never understand. The next buy, was slightly expected.

A bag and a shoe, both from the same shop. Just before, we saw this really pretty bag on sale for $30. However! We didn't have cash so we decided to come back later. I was really intending to go back later to get it. $30 for a bag is actually considered quite cheap. I mean, considering it's a good quality bag and one that I will carry more times than one. We were walking past this shoe shop and I just caught sight of this shoe that was really nice. Yes, it was a pair of flats and it was something like a converse shoe. Except simpler and more childish looking. Anyway! The material on that one sucked so we went in and looked around instead. Mother saw this really nice small bag which had a cute design. Not a design on the bag but the design of the bag itself. I suggested that she leave it in her car so she wouldn't always have to carry around her huge bags. And since she has her car, she can leave the unwanted stuff inside the car instead of carrying it with her! Smart huh? Anyway, so we got that bag. We decided not to get the travelling bag although the heart designs on it were just to die for! There wasn't anything inside the bag to hold down the items you put into it so mother decided that she didn't want it. While she was deciding, I was looking around the shop. Amazed at how come I'm so attracted to flats all of a sudden. Then I saw these cute shoes that had a really simple design on the front. I was so happy that they had my size but once I wore it, it just felt wrong. Ok, it didn't feel wrong. There were stitching at the bottom of the shoe which I could feel so I decided not to get the shoe. Yes, my sensitive feet have come back to haunt me. But voila! I did find that pair of shoes that was my kind of thing and didn't annoy the living day lights out of my sensitive feet. hahas! Then, we decided to head over to OG just for the hell of it.

I admit, I was going through a withdrawal period from buying shoes so we zapped up from the shoe section to the clothes section. I normally don't buy clothes at OG or Metro because the sizes are too small so I thought I was save. Until, we spotted the relatively small lots of G2000blu and Dorothy Perkins. G2000 was having a sale of some tops so we looked through and found 3 tops which look pretty awesome. Surprisingly, two were yellow and one was white. I never thought I would actually buy bright yellow tops but I did today. The colours were actually quite bright and I was pretty happy to have bought them! While I was taking my time in the dressing room, mother was out and about looking at Dorthy Perkins items. We found a nice hoodie, after which we decided to just get some more stuff so we could get the membership card. We bought another dress, it was blue and really pretty. It's not that short but coming up to about mid thigh. A dress pants. Yes, you read correctly. Amanda has finally bought herself a pair of dress pants! And I got another pair of jeans! Pretty awesome don't you think? So, now I'm a happy camper with my new membership. My next birthday, I really need to start saving now. Hahas! But anything is possible right? Yes, anything is possible with God. So, in total, I bought 3 shirts, 1 hoodie, 1 dress pants, 1 jeans and 1 dress. I'm quite certain that I wouldn't be shopping in the near future or spending money for that matter. Now, it is time to work my guts out and save all that money to pay for everything else.

After that shopping trip, we had dinner at the coffee shop beside the hotel. It was a pretty cheap dinner, only $15! For two persons and a $1.50 drink. It really is awesome going out with mummy, we can share everything hence it's slightly cheaper. Hahas! Well, she does pay for most things anyway. So technically, I save! Hehes. After that, we headed down to church and that, my dear readers, is when everything just went down the drain. The meeting started off pretty badly. Not to mention, no one told me where the meeting was being held at. So first point, Amanda in the dark is a no no. Absolutely no no, I simply hate not knowing where I'm suppose to be. Taking into consideration I'm suppose to be writing the minutes for the meeting. I can't write a complete minutes of meeting when I'm running late for the meeting can I? Anyway, next, I was sitting away from the light and away from the main speaker. I'm so glad I decided to bring my file, other wise, I'll just have to learn quickly how to write off my thigh. It's pretty hard to bend down and write while trying to hear what the main speaker is talking about. At least with my file, I managed acceptably which I am thankful for. Then, we talked about the standardization of the PowerPoint slides.

It seems that you simply cannot take any suggestions, even when you welcome them. I suggest this, you throw back a stupid, idiotic reason. It is pretty obvious that you do not know the meaning of standardization. Or maybe you're not playing dumb, you just really don't know what standardization means. Nevertheless, I don't understand what you are doing anymore. Given I've never understood anything you've ever done. Be it out of the goodness of your heart or for your own selfish needs. You say we're doing this for the people of the church. Then why are you happy to commission such a lousy done job? You keep reminding us that you have added commitment at work and are hence unable to do much. You keep reminding us that he is a busy man and has to make frequent overseas trips. If that is the case, why? Why do you insist on rejecting help? If you can't do it, don't screw it up and push the blame on someone else. Or worse still, don't screw it up and write it off as nothing. Sometimes, I want to hit you so badly I literally see red when I hear your voice. Sometimes, I want to scream at you and ask you what you are doing. Sometimes, I want to slap you so hard you'll wake up from your fantasy world where everything revolves around you and your family. The only reason I don't lose my temper and walk out of the room is out of respect to the main speaker. I've lost all respect for you the day you decided to put all the blame on me. Frankly, I don't care if you find this. Because I'm sure, even your wife can tell you how much I detest you. I'm sure even someone who doesn't know either of us, can tell how much I detest you by our interaction. I apologized once. I actually regret doing it, because I didn't mean it. Not really. I admit, I only did it because he asked me to. If he didn't, I would've never done it. But now, no names, no places, nothing to link me and you. Unless of course you're a mind reader. But seeing as how dumb you act, I highly doubt you can be a mind reader. Should I let this go? Or should I hang on to it? For at least three months, I didn't join. Simply because I knew, that there was no way I was going to be able to talk to you like a civilized person. How do you talk to an uncivilized person civilly? So why did I do it? Why did I join? Because I thought that the one who was doing the slides was doing a mighty lousy job at it and wanted to help. Sincerely, earnestly, wholeheartedly. What did you do? Rejected me like I was worthless. I took it in stride, I went home, bashed up my pillow a little, cried a little, vented a little. Then I went back and continued to offer my help. Again, again, again and again you rejected me. It's not like I didn't have the qualifications. It's not like I didn't have the time. It's not like I didn't have the heart. You would've rather given it to someone who would brainlessly listen to you. Someone who wouldn't reject your suggestions. Someone who would wholeheartedly embrace whatever you said. I don't know what to do anymore, I've run out of ideas, steam and heart. What should I do? Give it up or continue hanging on? I don't know, I really don't know anymore. Someone help me please. I desperately need your help.

It's almost 2.15am. I really should be in bed. I'll just type a little more for the minutes before I send it off to him tomorrow or something, after I'm done with it of course. I don't want to be accused of being lazy or not doing my job. I'm not quite happy with being the one to do all the dirty work but what can a girl do? Especially when she's overpowered by men who only want to do what's good for themselves? I will probably definitely print out a copy for myself and maybe uncle James. I'll really love to see how much he modifies my minutes. I might bring the issue up, I might not. After all, we're not suppose to want glory, instead giving it up to God. I need to work harder, I know. Harder at not hating him. Harder at holding my temper in check. Harder at holding the tears at bay. But a girl only do so much can she not? Nevertheless, I'll buck up. Until I can decide what I should do. In the mean while, I'll fret over getting that job and my studies. God will handle the rest right? He always comes through for us. Take care. Sweet dreams and God bless.

Amanda Loves You [:

He Loves You Too [:

My first movie with a commentary.

Good morning.

The weekend is finally here! Actually, the weekend doesn't hold that much of a kick anymore, considering how I'm not working during the week and I will not be having classes for the next two weeks. All subjects except for PBF. Don't ask me why, I'm not the administrator. Even so, I wouldn't be looking forward to the weekend anytime soon. I should be starting work next weekend. And surprisingly, I'm not as miffed about it as I actually should be. I mean, who really wants to work on a weekend? I'm not sure if I'm a confirmed staff since I only went for the informal interview today with three others. But it does look promising. And I've already calculated my earnings if I go to work faithfully and obviously, am not late for work. $130 for two weeks, really isn't that bad. I could've been not earning anything, for a whole year! So, I'm not complaining. Since the hours are short and the environment, looks really conducive! I'll blog more about it, when I start work. But I am looking forward to it, so, expect for wonderful over praising reviews!

Today was a relative lazy day. I woke up at around 11, again for no apparent reason. I think I need to start sleeping earlier so my body clock wakes me up earlier. hahas! Had lunch with mummy, delicious. yum yum! At around four, we left to go to Republic Poly for the informal interview. I'm not exactly sure if I was late because the other two were already there. hahas. Anyhow, neither one looked to be have waited long although it was pretty awkward when the girl sitting one space from the interviewer moved closer to the end of the couch than towards the interviewer so I could sit. The chair was also pretty soft so, I kinda sunk into the seat. It really felt very awkward because it's like, everyone's sitting down and then when I sit down, the chair sinks under me a little. hahas! Anyway, we're past that. The interview, introduction, went on for about twenty minutes? I left first with the other guy because she had more information to pass on to the other girl who was going to be helping with the administrative part of the company. I would've asked if I could've stayed longer to listen but, I don't think I'll be able to commit to the hours. Seeing as how I have classes on all days but Wednesday. And office jobs are from 9 - 5. After the interview, me and mummy rushed off towards orchard for a movie! That was when almost everything came crashing down.

Firstly, the row of convent girls sitting behind us. I'm am utterly appalled. Did we use to act like that? Climb over cinema chair seats so we wouldn't have to walk past people to get out of the row? Talk so loud that the two rows in front of us could possibly take part in our conversation? Make loud comments during the movie so everyone in the cinema would know what we are thinking? Clap and cheer in the cinema? It's quite sad how we never really notice how we act to affect the image of the school we are in until we have left. Or we have matured. Nevertheless, I was pretty upset. I frankly have not encountered this kind of situation in a cinema before, that's why I just sat there and stewed while they exchanged phone numbers and juicy details of someone else's personal life. Not to mention, the girl who was sitting beside the girl sitting beside me was rocking in her seat so violently that my seat was moving. I got so annoyed I changed seats with my mother. When the show started, the two girls left the cinema theatre. One climbed over the seat to the front row [thankfully it was empty] while me and mummy moved our feet so the other girl could pass through. They never did return for the movie. I'm not entirely sure why they left, but if they had the courage to make so much noise in a cinema while the advertisements were running, I'm sure they would've had the courage to stay throughout the movie even though I showed my displeasure by changing my seat. Well, the remainder of the movie passed by relatively quiet aside from the few loud comments from the row behind us. I just rolled my eyes and tried to concentrate on the movie. And then, someone answered a phone call. hahas. The cute American guy beside me was like 'wtf?' and he said it pretty loudly. The typical Singaporeans just did the 'shh' sound while I sat in my seat and giggled silently. It was pretty funny at that time. Especially amidst the 'shh'ing, the American went 'wtf' quite loudly. Aside from that, there weren't much annoyances during the movie.

The movie. A little predictable. Out of the three movies, Step Up, Step Up 2: The Streets and Make It Happen, my vote would have to go to Step Up. That would definitely be for the story line. The dancing I have to say, it's almost impossible to choose. Unless of course, you've got a specific genre of dance that you prefer watching. I just prefer watching all types of dance. I really need to have a dance movie marathon. Hopefully people will actually come. Everyone is so busy with school and life, no one ever has time for me anymore. Unfortunately. Well, I will have that dance movie marathon one day! Most probably soon though, during the week when Ethel has her school holidays and I'll force Jessica to come and pray that Steffi and Genestine are able to make it!

After the movie, we bought Gloria Jeans again before going home. And tada! Here I am, at the computer again. I should be going to bed soon. I've got a nail appointment tomorrow and dinner in the evening with OG08. Hopefully it'll be less disastrous? One can only hope. I also hope my nails will not get destroyed! I will be ultra pissed if that were to occur. Maybe I'll just stay at the nail place a little longer to allow the nails to dry under the blower. Yes, that is what I will do. So now! I will head to bed and hopefully wake up early tomorrow to go and get my nails done. They said that they don't have any appointments tomorrow, so I might go down a bit earlier so that I can end earlier. Hmmm. What colour shall I choose?

So it's off to bed with me now. I shall be a good girl and wake up early tomorrow so that I will not be late for any of my appointments! Thank you for dropping by. I'll try and make my rants longer and more interesting for you to read. I admit I haven't been up to it lately. Tired and emotionally worn out and all. But I will get better! Hopefully. hahas. Well, take care and good night, for now!

Amanda Loves You Lots [:

What a day.

Good Evening.

I don't think you'd appreciate me telling you that I just had my shower and am not dressed yet so, I shall go get dressed now and be back asap! ~twenty minutes~ Ok, I didn't take twenty minutes, only a few minutes. So yes, as the title says, What A Day. It has been a extremely tiring day. I'm both emotionally and physically tired so I shall just keep this post to a minimum. As much as I can shorten it, I will. Although I do have a few things to mention. I don't mean to offend anyone, but if I do, I apologize in advance. But as I said, these are my personal feelings. If you really do feel offended by them, just let me know and I'll censor it or something. But please, don't keep quiet if you are really offended. There is the comment button, or if you know me, MSN or you could just tell me face to face. So, onward!

First up was waking up at 7am for no apparent reason. Mother didn't slam the door. Pharoh didn't bark at me. There wasn't anyone screaming. There wasn't any loud noises. The only thing that happened was I opened my eyes. Needless to say, I woke up again at 10.30am. I was late, by about 15 minutes into class. I'll ask my classmates about what the teacher talked about another day, it is 2.14am and I'm not in the mood to think about Principles of Banking and Finance. Sorry Mr Peh. After which, we went to Tricia's place to study. Except, we didn't really studying. Not much anyway. Class ended at 3pm, right? We reached Tricia's place at around, 4pm. I really should've called Tricia instead to get the directions to her place. Anyhow, we looked at clothes that Tricia was selling, and I was tempted to play Elven Blood. Well, I would've been absorbed in the game except the connection was a little off so I gave up and just sat there to listen to them talk for a bit. And then finally, I got down to studying. Actually, I didn't study much, all I did was read the readings and understood more of what Mr Peh taught today. I think it was a weak attempt at studying but well, I never did study well with company. I shall skip the whole 'getting ready to leave' part because, my eyes are tired and I have no desire whatsoever to delve back into my memory to recall what happened.

Fast forward to Dinner. I had sweet and sour pork with rice. It was really extremely tasty. Despite it being $4. I admit the wok concept was cute but nevertheless, we were talking about Holland Village. Everything is overpriced, is it not? Anyway, the dessert cum drink that I had really wasn't anything to die for. It wasn't sweet, it was cold and it just, wasn't smooth enough. Tou Huay. I still miss the one from Tiong Baruh Market. Or maybe I just miss SOC. After the desert, we took a bus down to Dempsey Hill. Poor little me had to use coins to pay for my journey. Do you know how embarrassing it was to put in coins and have the uncle stare at you and ask you how much which you reply '$1.20' and he looks at his buttons and says, 'only $1.10 or $1.30' which you expertly follow by dropping a twenty cent coin into the slot. The uncle stared at me and if I am not mistaken, he was trying not to laugh. Frankly speaking, if I was there, in spirit, I would've laughed until my stomach hurt. hahas! Fast forwarding to walking to Dempsey Hill. We missed a stop, hence explaining the walking. If I wasn't so short on cash, I would've been all for taking a cab. But alas, the wallet's a lil tight these days. Onward to the evening highlight.

First awesome point, the hot waiter. Ok, maybe he wasn't the 'drop dead gorgeous' kinda guy but he was definitely cute. I may have, at the moment, thought he was smiling at me but on hindsight. I do wish he was smiling at me. Well, Justin did get his number on a dare. Although I doubt he actually saved it. Do miracles happen for little girls who have been naughty? Second awesome point, my drink. Pina Colada. Sweet, Cool and totally refreshing! I think it is the first time I've tried it and I must say, it wasn't a wrong choice. I really need to find my favorite cocktail. Melon Ball is definitely up for the running. Amanda has never been known to turn down a fruit! I'm actually secretly glad I didn't join in the last drink with the guys. I don't think my body can handle being awake longer than it has to. Almost hitting the 15hour mark. Ok, I'm a lazy girl. What are you gonna do about it? Third awesome point, just hearing his voice. HAHAS. Yes, I think I am obsessed. Just a little anyway. It's just so hard to actually meet cute guys who know how to dress well and who doesn't continuously speak chinese to you. Oh, I forgot to mention the cutie in class today that looked a lil like Elvin. I doubt he noticed I was staring but I'm definitely going to be looking out for him at the next lecture! Ok, I'm sure by now, you'll know what the next few awesome points have got to do with. His smile, His laughter, and just, Him. Well, I don't think if I'm ever going to meet him again, but if I do. I'll thank the heavens first. The time we chilled out around the table, including the games we played were fun. I don't ever think I've done a cat walk being so unglam before. Like seriously, a jumper and converse shoes? Next please! I need to update my closet but, its a little costly. If you know what I mean. Anyway, I won't say I wasn't entertained but I won't say I wasn't really annoyed at times either. You always have to take the good with the bad don't you? So, fast forwarding to the end of the evening. The pictures we took, I think I blinked in both of them. But it is all right! I was never photogenic anyway. Doesn't matter if you can see my eyes or not. Hahas!

Tomorrow I'm going to give the Dance Studio a call. Hopefully, there is still a vacancy. I really want the job, despite the $5/hour pay. After all, it is better than nothing. Cross your fingers for me will you? I really should go now. My eyes can't take it anymore, they are really as heavy as lead. I will be back another day, hopefully once my annoyances have disappeared. I know I need more patience but, I'm working on it. I just, need a little more time and a whole lot more of effort. On my part, and on your part. Ok, bed time for this little girl. I'll catch you guys another day. Take care. Thank you for dropping by! Leave a comment, if you will. At least I'll know there is someone who is mildly interested in my life. Hahas. Good night and Sleep tight.

Amanda Loves You Lots [:

Goodbye to a special year

Evening.

Yes, I'm suppose to be studying and I will. Soon. After this post, definitely. Seeing as how my conversation partner wouldn't be coming back online soon. It hurts how I trust so easily, only to be let down, again and again and again. Anyhow, let's not touch on that topic tonight. I can't get myself so upset that I can't study right? I have already put of studying for an entire week simply because I was busy doing cards and what not. It has indeed been a hectic one last week of work. Yes, I am not officially unemployed and considered a full time student. No, I'm not gonna stay a full time student for long. Maybe I will to the adults around me, but to those closer to me, you'll know I'm never going to be able to be a full time student. Not anymore anyway. Once again, let's steer away from the upsetting topics. Let's talk about the good stuff, shall we?

It's a little upsetting, yes, that I've finally left work. I really would've stayed on if the circumstances were different. I mean, if I was studying part time instead of full time. Nevertheless, I still don't think I'm cut out to hold a full time job while studying part time. It really is just too tiring for me, and I don't think I handle it very well. Considering my pocrastinting problem I have with studying. Hahas. Although I must say that I did leave with a bang. Hahas. It was a good day, on Friday, when I left. I didn't cry, which was a miracle in itself. There was no one else but Kemas in the office when I left at 8pm. Yes, 8pm. I had work I needed to finish before I left. But I did it happily, or as happy as anyone can be while doing work. Hahas. Anyhow, it was indeed a good day. I'm glad the clinics liked the cards I made for them. I admit, it might be a little insincere since I wrote their names on the cards as they were in the rosters hence if they had an english name, it wouldn't have been reflected on the card. Nevertheless, I'm still glad that they were happy for it. Especially Clinic J. Aside from that, I'm glad everyone else was happy with their cards. My hand really did cramp up the night before after writing ten cards at once, not to mention the fourteen clinics card I did. Hahas. Yes, it was a sight to behold. Amanda, sleeping at 3am [which meant I only got 3 hours of sleep waking up at 6am] just to finish cards and what not. My mother said it was unbelievable since I rarely stayed up to finish my homework, always leaving it to be done in school or have a full blown panic attack the next day. Hahas. Well, I've taken to this sleeping early rule. So that I can wake up early the next day. And not to mention, improve the damn skin on my face. Hahas. It's been working well so far, I've rarely slept after 12am. And I really should hurry up with this post so I can get some studying done and go to bed before 12 again tonight. Hahas. Well, before I stop with my talking about work. I'll just like to say a final thank you to everyone who has worked with me the past year. Been a friend. Been a mentor. Been a guide. Been a guardian. Been a colleague. Thank you all and it has been a wonderful journey. I do hope we keep in touch and meet up again! I will surely come back to visit you guys! And I promise, I'll get that oven and bake cookies for everyone!

You might've noticed that my last post was in a total different format. That is because I blogged from my phone. It was almost 12 and I didn't want to turn on my computer. Simply because if I did, I would have never got to bed even by 1am. Even if my eyes were already closed! I don't know what else to say about the previous post. Talk about regret. Talk about a missing friendship. Talk about him. I don't really know how much regret I feel over the choice I made. The choice to leave. Right now, at this point in time, with me sitting in front of the computer and typing. I feel like it's the right choice to have left. Because there was absolutely no reason whatsoever for me to have stayed. There was simply no incentive and my survival instinct kicked in, I could say. Which idiot would've really stayed just to be hacked down with words and looks without a single chance to breathe properly? And then. There is the point in time when I see you. You don't even look at me anymore, you know. And I wish I didn't leave. I wish I still had the right to run up to you and hit you just so you'd smile and pretend like it hurt. To ask you why you look sad. To ask you about your day. To ask you about your life. When I see you walking, I turn around and walk in the other direction just so I don't have to test my self control. Those times are when I am filled with the deepest feeling of regret. I regret walking away. I regret leaving. I regret not pushing you harder to be your friend. But there really is nothing I can do now right? All I can do is just watch you from a distance and hope you smile again.

My work is sitting patiently beside me, waiting for me to take notice of it. It is almost 11.11pm and my conversation partner hasn't returned. I don't think he will be coming back. But it's really ok through, he hasn't talked to me since he returned from iraq anyway. You would think that once you've given up on someone loving you, they wouldn't have the power to inflict anymore pain on your heart. Hahas. It still seems that whatever part of my heart I give away, is still connected one way or another to the actual thing. And it still hurts when you step on it. Ok, I'm not going to go into detail and try desperately not to cry. I'll let the tears out later, but now, I'm an independent girl who doesn't need a man (: Thanks for dropping by again! I will try to post every two days or so. I'm hoping I won't have the time, which means I'll be studying more. But I still do need some relaxation from life and everything, in general. Till next time, miss me.

Amanda Loves You, She Really Does.

Amanda remembers.

Good Night.

I'm well beyond pissed at the moment. I was blogging, just about a second ago. And it all disappeared simply because my phone decided to screw with me. See, that is precisely the reason why I need a better phone. I'm so tempted to get the N81 instead of the SuperNova series. And then comes in the question of money and I've decided not to buy a new phone.

What happens when you promised yourself that you wouldn't regret. And when the time comes, you didn't know it'll turn out like this and you're filled with regret? I've given up on us as a couple, you know. Sure, in my goodbye letter I said I still felt something for you. But who doesn't still feel for their crush? Albeit I said it felt like more than just a schoolgirl crush. I just want a friend. I've always wanted a friend in you. You said we would be friends and I trusted you. I can safely say that I was sorely disappointed. So what are you doing to me now? Are you trying to mess with my mind or are you just back revisiting your roots? I'm pretty selfish aren't I? Wishing your return was because of me. Maybe it isn't, maybe it is. But probably isn't is it? It feels like we're back at the beginning except we're not. We're not total strangers anymore. We're strangers with a past, if that's even possible. But anything's possible in the world isn't it? Maybe I'll see you again next week. But I promise I'll pretend like I don't know you. And that I'm smiling so much is because suddenly, there's this cute boy whose appeared from no where and has caught my attention. Or maybe, it's not because of you I'm smiling. It's because of the people who never let me down, who always encouraged me, who were always there for me. I'll try not to cry for you anymore, because you're not worth it. Especially since you didn't cry when I left. You didn't demand for a reason why I left. You didn't care enough did you? I don't know. I don't know you. I shouldn't know you. Lest your precious girl hears about it.

I should go to sleep now. My eyes are almost closing and my fingers hurt. It's not entirely conducive to be typing on a small keypad when your eyes are as small as rings. So, I'll head to bed now. Or rather, I'll close my eyes and try to sleep. Thanks for dropping by! I promise I'll try to be happier and give you a more, interesting post the next time I come on. But for now, I shall close my eyes and dream about my prince. Clothe in a dark cape with eyes you could drown in. And who loves me, for me.


Amanda loves you [: