I said I wouldn't, and then I did.

Borderline fever, sore throat and a blocked nose.

I don't actually have the mood to do my nails this week. Maybe I'll trim them short and do one coat. When I'm feeling better then I'll do a more elaborate nail art set.

It takes so much energy to be positive when everything starts going to shit. When my grandparents taught me to think before I speak, obviously they didn't bother learning that lesson. 

Dammit, we need a break from this life. Cleaning all the time, doctor appointments, medication, etc. And to think, my mum has 4 other siblings. I'm not sure if I'm thankful I only have 1 parent or that I'm the only child. 

I'm going to bed cause this cough medicine is very powerful. At least I found something else that can make me sleep, even if it doesn't chase away the nightmares. 

Be kind to everyone you meet, they could be going through some tough situations. 

Why are there 2 sides to a coin?

Wow, 2 posts in 1 day.

Work is not as tough as taking care of your grandparents. 

I'm so angry and I don't know how to let this anger go. No one stopped to consider how it would feel to be in pain and uncomfortable and not understand why you feel that way. All they thought was, he is still healthy and so we must do all we can to keep him alive and to be a good daughter / son. But who is here when he is in pain. Who is here when he is uncomfortable and he lashes out in anger. It is easy to say, take it with a pinch of salt, in one ear and out the other. But it is so difficult to be there when he lashes out in anger. When you get scolded for giving him his medicine. But I have it easier than my mum. How does it feel like to get scolded even when you're busting your ass to wash their clothes everyday, wash their toilet everyday.

And yet, when you see him in pain and not understanding why, it breaks your heart. 

Blessings by Laura Story 

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

Maybe it is time for that shower. 

Perception of Time

So I didn't end up writing anything down yesterday. Simply because I was so tired after work, and after we came home from IKEA getting candles, it was way too late and time for me to get to bed after showering.

Also, I cannot believe that it has only been 2 days. It really feels like a lifetime when dealing with my grandparents. Plus I think I am in desperate need of help to release the tension caused by dealing with my grandparents. It's just, I can feel my blood pressure going up and not dealing with them is just not possible. I mean, I could try but then my mum might actually go crazy.

And I'm desperately trying not to fall sick. So please try not to sneeze or cough in my direction. Just hearing the men in my office sneezing and coughing without covering their face is enough to make my hairs stand on end. Also why I've taken to showering every evening when I come home, because all the germs I'm bringing to bed with me cannot be good. Thankfully I can tell when I'm falling sick - feeling cold, glassy eyed. So far I've got one of those symptoms so I'm trying to nip it in the bud before it gets worse. 

I don't think I'm going to blog every day. I don't really need the extra pressure between work & dealing with my grandparents. I need to try and maintain the two worlds separately, where tension from one world does not bleed into the other world. 

Can you believe it, it is only 930am and I'm falling asleep typing this. Coffee still makes me sleepy so that's not an option. And I couldn't possibly go to work reeking of alcohol! I think I probably have to start getting proper sleep.

Okay, I think I'm going to catch a few winks in the car on the way to work. Hopefully I'll feel rested by the time I reach the office!

Have a good day & weekend. I'm personally excited for the weekend to be changing my nails. Even though I have to cut them short because 2 fingers has chipped. But I'll still have beautiful nails! 

The first day of the rest of my life.

Wow, my last post said I wished I didn't take so long to write my next post and here I am, only 4 years later on the 1st of January 2020. So much has changed since 2016 and yet nothing has changed. I'm still working the same job I was in 2016, except there's a new name on the door and new team members. I'm still living at the same place I was in 2016, except my grandparents are getting on in age. I'm still doing my nails every weekend, except with slightly more skill (I hope).

The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. Not because of the Christmas celebrations or the Year End celebrations but because my granddad was diagnosed with Lymphoma in early December. Thankfully, the doctors said that it is a milder case and had only prescribed 6 doses of chemotherapy. He's already done with one dosage just after Christmas and came home just before the New Year, now it's all about keeping him healthy until the next dosage which should be in 3 weeks time. Honestly, I'm thankful that it is a milder case and so far, most of the family (namely his children) have come forward to help. However, this experience has shown me that a majority of my aunts and uncles, have no idea what it takes to take care of their aging parents.

I don't have much experience with older people aside from what I've watched on the television and my own grandparents. Sure, I've met a ton of older people in church but I know better - people aren't always like how they seem in public. I think it is quite similar to having a child, where parents are the ones who know the child best because they see the child both when they are at home and when they are in public. Of course, the advantage parents have is that they have the power to shape how their child behaves in public or at home. While when it is your aged grandparents, you don't have a choice but to live with it and take the necessary steps to not go insane.

Having said that, a geriatric doctor has confirmed that he is 80% certain my grandad has the beginnings of dementia. At least with this diagnosis, my blood pressure does not rise when my relatives insist that his forgetfulness is because of old age and nothing more terrible than that. My grand aunt says there is a patch that could help with his dementia unfortunately there is no medicine that can help curb his other attitude issues of being grumpy and impatient. Another benefit with this diagnosis is we can take steps to ensure what happened in March last year does not happen again. Where my granddad went to the atm to withdraw money, but forgot, and said someone had stolen his atm card and was stealing money from his account. Naturally we made a police report and the police had video evidence that it was him at the atm and not someone else. Why nothing had been diagnosed before now was because he refused to allow us to follow him to see the doctor and insisted on always going on his own. The only reason the hospital had a geriatric doctor see him was because they realized he stopped making sense the longer you talked to him. So I guess it was a blessing in disguise. 

I'm not entirely certain what I had planned for 2020 because all I saw, upon the diagnosis, was a long road to recovery plus having to explain daily what is happening to my granddad to him and seeing that he does not understand what we are telling him. And while I can barely muster the enthusiasm for a new year, all I can think of is, this is the first day of the rest of my life and how I'm going to survive it. Because I'm fairly certain I will survive it, it just depends on what mental state I'll be in afterwards. 

I think finding this part of myself is going to help tremendously. I've found I explain myself better through the written word than I do verbally. Also, I think I need somewhere to vent. It does not matter if no one ever reads this, but I feel a bit comforted with the knowledge that I've unburdened myself without requiring someone else to carry my burden for me. Not for the first time, I find myself rather excited to go back to work. Because if I'm being really honest with myself, I'm not sure how many more days I can endure my grandparents antics without having a serious breakdown. 

Until next time, please be kind to every person you meet because you never know what they could be going through right now.

Love, me

Build your fortress when there is peace

That's a saying I've once heard which makes plenty of sense but people hardly put it into practice. After all, why would you need to build your fortress when you are at peace. It's only in the absence of peace that you'll need your fortress to protect you.

Similarly, it's when you're treading water, or swimming spectacularly well in life that you should build your mental and emotional endurance and patience. Because when everything is coming at you at breakneck speed, and there are multiple deadlines to meet, you're going to need that mental endurance to stay the course and complete your journey.

The one thing that has particularly been bothering me these past couple of days, or rather only since yesterday, is how ridiculously slow my computer has been since I did an application update. It stops working for a couple of minutes at a time and just sits there, mocking me, as the wheel turns and turns and turns. The worst part is when you click something and there's no response! How do you fight something you cannot see? Deep down, I think I'm not really upset at my computer because I know I've dealt with and survived on slower computers than this. And some times, that's why we get upset so easily. It's not because we are really upset at what has just happened, we just don't want to admit how something else has caused the imbalance in our world / emotions.

So what is really keeping me up at night with these vivid dreams and ridiculous storylines? I couldn't really pin point on a single issue. There are so many things happening right now that I wish some would just quit and be done with, instead of actually needing my attention.

Torn between staying the course and possibly taking up a new challenge or finding new pastures and looking for new challenges. Torn between staying in my safety net, occasionally dipping my toes in the cool water or slicing through the net and diving into the water.

Life is simple, you make choices and you don't look back.

That's from a movie, Fast and Furious 2, if memory serves me well. I've used it a couple of times and it does serve you well. It just doesn't warn you of the indecision you face until you make that choice and for a person who loves making her pro's and con's lists, it could take a while before I actually make a choice.

Do you ever get over your first legitimate, on a real person, crush? I'm sure majority of the couples in the world do not marry their first crush or even their childhood sweethearts, unless they are extremely fortunate. Then again, most people move on in their lives and don't keep in touch. Although can you really be out of touch these days with a handful of mutual friends? Gone are the days of staying away, hoping out of sight means out of mind which leads to a lack of attraction when all it takes is for a mutual friend to post a picture, tag a name and viola, you know what they've been up to and it's been 2 seconds since you last thought about him. Then again, there are people in this world who suffer worse fates than having to see your crush be happy without you.

It's bordering on midnight now and I've just about given up on making my computer work. Just note down the hundred and one thing that needs to be done in my reliable outlook calendar. Until my computer decides to die due to lack of power, that is. I'll try to write more frequently, although I doubt anyone else is keeping up with this blog. Gone are the days when everyone kept a blog and that was how you kept tabs on your friends and enemies alike. I talk like I've been around for centuries but it does feel like that when your new colleagues were all born in the 90's.

Until next time, which I hope wouldn't be a couple of years from now, thanks for reading & be kind to everyone, including yourself.

Waking up from a fourteen year old dream

The worst part about being a person who expresses themselves best in writing is when the words start to fail you. I would be much more comfortable typing this out on a keyboard (and I'm sure the words may come easier too) but alas, we have to make do with what we have and what we can do. I just spent the better part of the last hour scrolling through my blog to find the goodbye story I wrote for him, then proceeded to read it and felt the threads holding my heart together start to unravel. That was only knowing him for 5 years and now, it's been 14 years.

I've known him for half my life, can you imagine? I'm not terribly old, and it doesn't feel like it's been that long but, numbers never lie. I don't think I've ever made a good decision when it came to what my heart wanted. I wrote my goodbye in 2007, and now it's 2016, yet my heart is still breaking and I'm not sure what to do.

I don't think I've ever been that girl who knew what she wanted and went after it. I was always marginally content with what I had and tried to make as many people as happy as I possibly could. Majority of the friendships I've had in my adolescence are already distant memories of the past. I still haven't decided if I was the problem or I just wasn't what they were looking for. Although in this case, I suppose it was plain to see that nothing would have ever happened anyway, even if I was a girl in control of her heart and pursued what she wanted.

I can't decide if the hopelessness of the situation is supposed to make me feel better. After all, nothing I could have done would have resulted in a different outcome today.

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

In the end though, she was the girl he loved and he chose her. Life's not a fairytale, life's not a musical. And yet, my heart is not yet hardened to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore. You can't wish pain away, because the pain you feel makes you stop. Stop hurting yourself and stop putting yourself in further danger. The pain also makes you cry, so that when you're done, you can take a deep breath and move forward.

Will time ever heal a wound 14 years in the making? The better question would be: how long will it take to heal a wound 14 years in the making? I'm not even sure if the weapon has been removed or it's just sticking out of the wound, preventing the body from closing the wound. Ignoring the wound is not even an option, because how much further can you actually go when the longer your heart hurts, the more you're tempted to give in and stop moving forward?

It's almost twelve and I feel my heart healing a bit just by typing this out. It does seem talking about it is some what therapeutic. I don't think the pain will disappear overnight, and I'm certain I'm not able to lock the memories away in the depths of my mind never to haunt me again. What I know is that I have to pull out this weapon, sticking out of my heart, and maybe cry for a few weeks. And maybe one day, walk out into the sunshine and trust that I will be all right, some day.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here 
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Until next time, be kind to one another. ~Amanda

A dream come true.

Hello! It's been about a week and a half since I last posted. Plenty of things has happened since then but most memorable was definitely my dream come true of organizing an amazing race. (Admittedly it wasn't on a super large scale.)

All the work of printing the envelopes, thinking up the clue cards, researching on how to create tear away envelopes and especially cutting up the clue cards and the sleeves! I'm quite thankful that although things didn't go exactly as planned, it went along smoothly and most importantly, everyone enjoyed themselves. God also blessed us with cool weather, it wasn't scorching like when we went to check out the place the last two times and it wasn't storming like it was early in the morning on the day of. Dinner was amazing and service was impeccable (I'm definitely going back there again in the future! The food was exceptionally good!)

Frankly speaking, I'm desperately trying to hold on to the high from successfully pulling off the amazing race to tide me through the next couple of weeks. Although the up coming weeks are not as hectic (although that's probably putting it a bit mildly - my hours at the office are slipping away from me by doing ad-hoc things which then cuts into the time I need to complete the things I really have to do resulting in plenty of hours of over time), they definitely will be packed full with important items that I have to successfully execute to ensure that the final event is fully prepared for.

And this event I'm referring to is the Trendsetter in Lombok (seems like a nice enough location but the lack of direct flights from Singapore was terribly frustrating). Despite the fearful knowledge that I have to pull this off with at least some resemblance of success (this being equated with working within the budget, ensuring all guests are at least satisfied, if not, content & most obviously, not being given the boot), I'm actually looking forward to pulling it off and hoping whatever mistakes I do make are forgivable & will help me gain more experience for future events. I've finally just completed at least 50% of creating my TS file. Hopefully by this weekend, before I go for my recee trip next week, it will be fully functional!

Another thing I'm super glad for is this new phone and that I have downloaded my blogger application. I think writing (even if not handwritten) is an excellent way for me to stretch my brain and thus allow me to fully focus on work when necessary. I do find that I need to have better concentration because I tend to multi task (as usual, were you actually surprised at all?) and some things are getting lost in the cracks.

Okay, I probably should head to bed before I end up a zombie tomorrow at the office. I will try to probably make a schedule to post regularly, even if there's no one reading this, and hope it develops into a healthy habit! Thanks for stopping by, take care & be good to one another! (:

A visit to the neighborhood doctor

So, I'm waiting to see the doctor again. Nothing too serious, just checking that the inflammation has subsided and I'm good as new. Funny thing though, the waiting room is empty and I saw the doctor exit her room, with a small boy, about two minutes after we sat down. I don't know why she couldn't have seen us first but, it's already been more than 5 minutes. The fan circling overhead is making the light look funny which is in turn giving me a headache. Yes, I'm getting increasingly annoyed and I wish she'd come back, from wherever she went, now.

On a happier note, I got a couple of work things done so that's good. But I've still got a lot more work and I feel like puking now. Okay, I better concentrate on not getting sick in her waiting room. I miss my family doctor :(

Until next time, take care & be nice to one another! (:

Success

I always want to blog on the go and I'm super glad I found the blogger app. At least now I wouldn't be confined to only blogging at home. I could do it in the car too, or at a dinner I'd rather not be at. Ha! Well, now I'm really heading to bed. Take care & be kind to one another (:

What a week.

Hello.
It hasn't been a great week. I've been confined to my bed for the past two days, suffering from a fever that just would not quit and tonsillitis. I have absolutely no idea how my throat got inflamed in the first place because the last shot of alcohol I took was on the 2nd of August, and that was like, 4 days before my throat started hurting. Anyway, I surprised myself with how much pain I could tolerate because I refused to go to the doctor until my boss literally told me to go home, so I thought I should because I just wanted to collapse and sleep until things started making sense again. I suppose I'm quite lucky that the office temperate is always a degree too cold (because I was legitimately shivering - with teeth chattering and visible shaking) because my temperate measured at the Doctor's was 39.8 degrees. Anyway, that was also when I found out that my left tonsil was inflamed thus causing the fever too (along with joint aches). 
Anyway, what am I doing here if I should be resting in bed. I can't sleep, for several reasons. My lovely neighbors are once again hosting their annual (National Day, Christmas, New Year, any time throwing a party can be justified) dinner party in the lift lobby. I suppose I should be glad they decided not to have another Korean BBQ because my room will stink and I'm way too tired to get upset. It's almost 10.30pm and it does sound like a couple of people have left / returned to the flat but there's still chatter outside. And I understand, because when life's so hectic and you're given an opportunity to meet with your friends over a long weekend, you want to talk and catch up but seriously, this is why people own homes or have set up cafes that open until after midnight. Anyway, there's no point getting upset because I'm already battling with this fever, I don't think my body can take anymore heat without shutting down.
Another reason I can't sleep is because my mind just would not stop. About work, about what's going on now, about my writing, and as usual, just thinking about life. There are so many arguments, so many things that have happened and I think I haven't really sat down and accepted it. Also, possibly it could be because I haven't gone through the necessary stages when you are given huge news. First and foremost, unfortunately, the anger is still very much present. I have my theories that it's the anger that had a part in me falling ill. I don't know how to work through my anger, usually I justify it in my mind and move on. However, this time, I've been annoyed for more than half a year and I suppose everything that has happened just brought it all to the surface. 
You know, I always thought I was a very sad person. With everything in secondary school, junior college and the past couple of years after graduating. But a conversation with my mum a couple of weeks ago, she said that I was only really down when I was in junior college. It made me think, that I may be better at putting up fronts than I originally thought. Although, I do have a suspicion that I could be bi polar, with how quickly I can flit between emotions. 
I think I should head back to bed again. Maybe staring up at the glow in the dark stars on my wall will help, and the medicine I'm going to be taking too. Until the next time, which I hope I will be better because I've had enough of wincing in pain every time I swallow (which is almost every other minute), take care and be nice to each other (:

Nostalgia

Wow, it's been almost one and a half years since I last updated this blog. That sounds like a long time but time passes so quickly these days that I've given up trying to keep a close count. 

What prompted me to come back? Nostalgia, I think. I just came back from a school reunion. It's been 10 years since I graduated from my secondary school and what a 10 years it has been. If I had time, like I did before, I would go through my blog to see how my mind worked back then. But I am battling tiredness and I do actually have a couple of other things I need to do before I head to bed. 

I've recently cleared my room, which unearthed multiple diaries that I kept when I was in my younger teen years. That, in turn, stirred up an itch to get writing again. I really should have started writing when I started my new job, since I had so much free time. But unfortunately, I took to other hobbies, like creating my photo albums. Now, I'm so swamped with work that I'm too tired to even think about arranging and writing funny commentary for my photo albums over the weekend. However, I think now that I do have a proper desk with a wonderfully built computer, I should perhaps start dipping my toes into the writing pool. Perhaps maintaining a blog will help with my writers' block. I don't know if I'd ever move on from simply posting online but I think it's always important to do what you love, don't you? 

Nothing much, aside from work, has been going on in my life right now. I'd go on about how excited for the projects I'm working on right now but that would take too long, and I'm way too tired to be excited. I think I'll start with posting once a week and then we will go from there. I'll try to provide a source of light heart-ed reading. Perhaps some thought provoking (balanced) discussions when my mind is feeling up to it. Until then, take care and be kind to one another (:

I detest awesome days.

I hate awesome days. After every awesome day I've had thus far, it will definitely be followed by stupid days where you wonder why you even got out of bed that morning. I hate those days because nothing ever goes right. The trouble with keeping a blog is that when you're so geared up to blog about something, you have to go do something else which then makes you lose your momentum and when you get the time to blog, all inspiration has left you. Good news for the new year is that we - mummy and I - both have new clothes and a new hair do! I think new clothes are a constant for me when it's CNY. It's an addiction I allow myself in small controlled amounts. As for the new hair dos, I've got my red streak back! And I managed to convince my mummy to highlight her hair red too! Aside from that, mummy got a new phone because I had to renew my phone plan. It didn't cost us a cent so it was all good! That was my awesome Monday. After that, I had terrible Tuesday and wrongful Wednesday. I hope tomorrow isn't going to be terrible Thursday part 2 because then I don't know how I'm going to survive freaky Friday or sucky Saturday. Well, I'm intending to get up at 8 and if I sleep now, that will give me at least 7.5 if not 6 hours of sleep. I think I'm going to go into work early and then stay late just for tomorrow and Friday. So at least during the three day break I have, I don't have to worry much about undone work. Hopefully this period of stress will aid in my quest in losing weight. I'll be back in another day or so. Instead of writing it all on here, I've learnt to write it in my messages, copy and then paste. That way, I don't stress myself in the process of blogging. Well, I really should go. Be back soon! Amanda loves you (:

So, it has been a while.

I hope this works. So, it has been a while since I was last here. I've always felt like I should have been more faithful but, what do you do when you're so disappointed with the life you are living that just the thought of talking about it makes you sick to your stomach? I can't exactly say my life has got a while lot better where I can start maintaining a blog again but I'm willing to try because despite everything that has happened in my life so far, only writing has kept me grounded or sane at the very least.

Just the other day, while taking with a friend, I realized how silly we used to be (well mostly I, to be honest). How I used to spin stories, extravagant tales. Of pretending how marvellous I was or the events that happened in my life. Those days seem so far away now and although I may have grown up (some what), I think a little bit of silliness has never really hurt anyone.

When I was younger, I thought that life was a game where the weak were put aside while the glamorous were idolized. I must say that sometimes it does seem to be that way. But though the years, I've obviously grown up and realized that life is hard. Life is so hard that there is always people around us to help us get through it. Like, I thought that trust had to be earned while respect was to be given to people in authority. Now, I know (or I feel at least) that trust is to be given as freely as you'd give a hug to a friend while respect was something that you should have for people in authority and even for the people who are your peers or even those who are 'beneath' you. The life lessons I've learnt and experiences I've been though. They make me feel like life is too short to undermine everyone just to further yourposition in life. But ever since I've started working. It feels as though I had simply created this bubble in which I live where everyone played nice and there was always a common goal, to help each other though this thing we have all been subjected to. I know I shouldnt change my outlook because I'm sure the world can use a bit more happiness and kindness in this world. I just wished I had someone to reaffirm me that what I'm experiencing in the work place now is temporary and it is possible to be in a work place where everyone is interested in a common goal and in achieving that common goal with the welfare of everyone involved in mind.

It's almost one am. I'm intending to get up tomorrow at seven am to go swimming. I really should sleep now so there is at least the probability that I might wake up at seven in the morning. I will be back. At most, hopefully it will just be a week. I can hardly continue my stories on the computer now because well, I'm always doing something or another on there. Not to mention how slow the computer is. I will have to convert my stories into word documents first though. And then save them so I can pick up where I left off when I get a new computer. And I should really get going.

What a week.

It seems I always end up here when it's been a particularly tiring or straining week. Well, the week hasn't ended yet but it's been crazy. More than crazy if that is even possible. It feels like I should not have got out of bed this Monday, or maybe I should not have gone to bed on Sunday. It's like, maybe there was something I could've done that might delay this week. I don't know if it's bound to happen but, maybe I'd like to try everything in my power to delay it, even for a few days. I don't really know any other way to put it.
Monday sucked.
Tuesday sucked.
Wednesday sucked.
Thursday sucked, just a little bit less.
Friday sucks.
I'm going out on a limb here when I say that Saturday and Sunday, aren't going to be any different. I really want to know what's wrong and yet, I think part of me isn't bothered. I mean, if there isn't going to be anything that I can do to change the past, what's the point of finding out what's wrong right? It's like finding out that your closest friend sold you to the slave market, but you can't do anything about it because you're already a slave and no one's going to do anything to change that. Okay, I must say that actually made me smile. I'm always a mess because my two sides never agree. Well, of course they agree when it's in their interest but most often, they want to take two roads and I'm always in a dilemma. So, maybe I'll just try keeping myself afloat because it's taking so much effort I would like to just, give up and let the sea swallow me up.

Nothing but memories live forever.

It's the eve of voting day here and yet, there are more pressing issues on my mind. The past week has been an intense one. It marked both the beginning of my examination week, my last examination period for quite some time (if I have anything to say about it), and the ending of a wonderful, 11 or maybe it has only been 10 years. I must admit that I find myself now, much calmer, less emotional than I was just mere 24 hours ago. No, I don't think you'll find much of me ranting or raving about my out-of-control emotions. I've spent my emotional anger else where, where I had someone who held me (even if not physically) as I laid myself bare.

Maybe I still am a little upset at the turn of events. Upset about the first event that started this chain of events. I know it had been weighing on my mind ever since, well, I can't pinpoint an exact time when it was fed into my consciousness. I just knew that this couldn't, wouldn't last forever. That everything had to come to an end one day. Maybe I'm upset over the timing and yet, how can I be upset about the timing? Is there ever a proper or convenient time to put someone you love out of their misery? Granted I can't say if he is miserable, I just wish, maybe that I had more time with him. More time to just sit and stroke him, or maybe more time to talk to him like how I used to. Maybe I'm angry at myself for growing up, for forgetting about him.

I hadn't shed a tear all day, thinking that maybe I've exhausted my tear ducts yesterday night. Yet now, the tears come and I can't stop them. Well, I don't need to stop them. The ache is gone though, it's just the knowledge that he's not going to be there the next time I find someone special. Or when it's late at night and no one's at home, and he rubs against me just to let me know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm moving through the grieving process, slowly but surely.

It's hard to wonder if this happen, to make us stronger. Because I'd willingly be weak than to grow this way. I don't know what else I'd rather endure than this. We never really know what we can endure until we actually experience it. Just 24 hours ago, I thought I wouldn't get through this. That it would, might be an impossible task. And then, I sit here now, thinking and the ache isn't there. It's like a healed wound that tingles when you run your finger over it. Emotional scars aren't all that different from our physical ones. They all leave a scar but they do heal and eventually, we will be able to look back on them with a smile and be thankful for the lessons it taught us and the growth it's made us endure.

I don't know if I have the ability or strength to write a story for him like I did two years ago. Maybe I will do it after my examinations end, so I at least am able to write something that is close to my heart and not something that is rushed through while at the back of my mind, I'm wondering if I'm taking too long and how it will affect the time I have left to study. Maybe this will even push me to finish my stories. There is always a silver lining to any unfortunate incident. Maybe that is how we are suppose to grow, by looking for the silver lining and growing to accept.

I should go to bed now, because I have work tomorrow. I still have plenty of work to revise but I will be taking tomorrow evening off. I'm hoping no one will be home to witness my unglamorous falling apart. Maybe the tears will heal the wound and it will be a bright day on Monday.

You will always be loved Pharaoh, and you will always have a place in my heart.

Late night musings.

It's always the case that I can never get to bed on time if I need to be up early the next morning. However, if I have absolutely nothing lined up for the next day or I just feel lazy, I can be in bed at about 10pm! Sometimes, it's these wonders in life that just keep us wondering.

It's almost one am and for the life of me, I have no idea why I'm still here instead of snuggled under the covers and sleeping! The physical confirmation of my up coming examinations came in the mail today. It's like, even after paying my examination fees in January, the preliminary papers during March or even these few weeks of intense revision, and the fact that my examinations are looming just right around the corner didn't really sink in until I slit open the envelope. Or maybe, it did and I'm just trying to kid myself. That aside, I've never really been this worried before. It's like, I'm so worried I'm all ready to give up! That's my panic speaking but sometimes, it's so hard to turn a deaf ear and just continue working onwards especially when you come to an obstacle that just makes you rethink your decision. Every time I think about life, in general, I always remember that deaf frog. That kept on hopping until he reached the very peak of the mountain. No, I can't remember what he was actually hopping to the top for but only that he made it. When no other frog could, what no one thought a frog could do. All because he was deaf, and couldn't hear what everyone else was saying. All the whispers in the wind of how it was impossible. The whispers of how others before have failed so miserably. The whispers of how if someone so great couldn't do it, what made a mere lowly frog like him think he could do it? Maybe there are times in life when we need to turn a deaf ear. A deaf ear to the not so encouraging comments. The comments that make us doubt ourselves. The comments that make us think twice about what we are about to embark upon. The comments that plant that seed of doubt in our souls.

In every point of our lives, we always get asked this one question. What do you want to do? As a child, we've thought of the people we've heard of who have done wonderful things. Like walk on the moon, or flying an aircraft. Or of those whom we look up to, a teacher, a mother, a father. Or people who have done brave things, a firefighter, a policeman. Then, I suppose we all at one point or rather go through the 'I just want to be a bum' phase. I know I did. I think I still do but I'm trying to work myself out of that phase. We just want to stay home all day, doing the mindless things we love and just, not having to have any responsibilities. And as we grow up even more, we're forced to really think about our future. Especially when other people around you are achieving their milestones. More often than not, I think, I fall into my own thoughts of the people around me. What's happening in the world today, and what others are achieving for themselves. I can't say I've regretted anything I've done that have led me to where I am today. I don't wish I had got better marks for my 'O' Levels because it was always a dream to studying in that Junior College. Although the experience didn't turn out as well as I had hoped, I still don't regret it because, I did have some fun times there. Some people I've met there, that although I don't keep in close contact with, I still cherish for the memories they've given me. The choices I took to put my studying on hold, the jobs I decided to take, the courses and school I decided to further my studies in. It's like, there are times (I won't deny it) where I wish I had dome just something, one thing, any thing differently. Then, I wonder about how my life could have been different. How I might have missed meeting some of the people I've met. I think I do believe a little in fate, meaning there are people in our lives who will be in our lives regardless of the choices we have made. Though I think, the choices that we make, shape the way we meet these people and that in itself shapes the friendships and relationships we form with them. I don't really regret much of my life until now. It's just that sometimes, I wish I had more drive. Or maybe I haven't found that one thing that I'm willing to go the distance for. Or maybe, I just need a new spark in life. Some thing that can maybe point me in the right direction because every direction I turn in now, is just a dark path leading into darkness.

Well, I should be going to bed. I suppose I will be back soon. I think I need to let off more, feelings. Things are going right, things are going wrong and everything is happening so quickly, I don't even have time to catch my breath. Thank you for reading and, I'll be back soon.

Those special moments in our lives we forget so easily.

Every year, I think as I sit in church during the Good Friday service, the same conversation I have with myself replays itself. I always think, it's another year. It's another 365 days. Everyone has changed and yet, everything still feels the same. Like we do not feel the time passing. Sure, everyone may wear something different. Everyone might have a new hair style. Some people might have put on weight, some might have lost theirs. And yet, it feels like it's still exactly the same, yet different.

I didn't have any hopes this year. I think, after a while, of being let down by the people who you thought you could trust, just makes a girl lose hope. I think, even when I was younger, I had always had this secret dream to be part of a small community. Where everyone knew everyone else. Where we'd all go for Sunday service together and later, the children would hang out with the adults sat around and gossiped or had tea (or breakfast). I mean, I've given my characters the taste of the small town life. Friends you've known from birth. Best friends who has been with you through the years. People who you know, on some instinctive level, you can trust. Although yes, there would always be that odd ball. Or someone who didn't fit in. I suppose, I didn't factor into my dream that I would be that individual. There might have been things I would have done differently. Like for example, not think that any child below the age of 14 could possibly know what it means to love someone. Or maybe for moving on from being scorned and realize sooner that maybe, it was only the secret voices that made me doubt myself and that all along, I didn't need to prove myself to you or to anyone else. And there are definitely things I wouldn't do any different because it was through my actions that I've found out for myself, who I can trust and who I can count on to have my back if the need ever arises. Though sometimes, I do admit that I may do things that stem from the need to be wanted, to be included, to belong. And sometimes, I do these things because I want to. Because I feel that very so often, we don't appreciate the people around us enough. We don't take time out to just smile or say hello. Or to tell them that what they are doing, is being appreciated. Or even that someone has thought about them today. There have been times when I feel like I should be doing more, giving more and then, I realize that if these people only look to me when I've got something of a benefit for them, are they really worth making that effort on my part to tell them that someone has thought of them (or is thinking of them)? Yes, I'm a catholic and yes, I will be kind to them, I will be nice to them, I will greet them or smile at them without malice or looking for the next opportunity to shame them. But given the fact that the efforts I've made require some form of monetary contribution that I'm currently working my ass off to fund, I think I'd stick to showing the people whom I think are worth the effort I am making to make feel like they are appreciated, or thought of.

It's only 11 days until my first paper and yet, I don't think I'm ready for it. Yes, I've been delaying my revision because I really detest all this pressure. I've never, or at least I don't remember, ever being this nervous, worried, afraid of what is to come. I think this is the first year I'm so deathly afraid that when I flip over the paper, I would have no clue how to answer ANY of the questions. Yes, I can tell that I'm starting down that panic mode road and I'm trying to steer myself off it. Because the longer I remain on this path, the less time I'd have to study. With that being said, I think I should hop into bed now and hope I wake up early tomorrow to shower and go to work. After which, I will come home and study. Until the next time. All my love.

Wonders of Family

A normal conversation in the car goes something like this...
Mummy: Wow. The moon's so bright and round.
Me: *leans forward and looks out the windshield* *thinks to herself, the moon isn't even out tonight'*
Mummy: It's on my side.
Me: Oh.
Mummy: It's beside me.
Me: Okay.
Mummy: It's following me home.
*silence*
Me: You'd need a bigger house.
Mummy: No, it can just follow me until it's above the block.
Me: Er, okay.
Mummy: If it was in the house, it'd break all the walls and my furniture.
Me: Uh huh, you think?
Mummy: Then there will be no moon.
Me: There will still be a moon, it'd be in our house. The world just wouldn't have a moon.
Mummy: Then, there will be no moon light.
Me: Right, but that's okay cause every major city in the world has some form of constant light sources.
Mummy: I didn't say the world would be in darkness, just that there wouldn't be moon light.
Me: Right. I don't think it would affect anyone that badly.
Mummy: Werewolves might not like it.
Me: I don't think they would mind. Especially if they think they're monsters.
Mummy: But maybe they like being werewolves. They're powerful.
Me: Yeah, but who likes eating their food raw?
Mummy: Some people live to eat fresh meat like cannibals.
Me: They don't eat their food raw! They like to boil them before eating.
Mummy: No, I'm sure they like it dripping with blood.
Me: *makes a disgusted face* you didn't have to put it like THAT.

So yupp. Sometimes, when you think your family stinks or really sucks or all that. Think of the fun and weird times you've had with them. Everyone has a unique family. Some just learn to appreciate them more than others.

Until next time! (I really SHOULD be studying.)

Revelations.

So, I had a revelation today. No one actually reads my blog. Or if anyone does (if you're reading this right now), I'd just like to say thank you. Although that's mostly a moot point since you wouldn't respond to my 'thank you', now would you? It kind of came up in conversation with my mother. Although I don't think I'm ready to stop this yet. I mean, it is pretty eye opening for myself when I look back on previous posts and wonder how I felt then. I still have my old blogs, if you are wondering. And I could sit up till odd hours in the morning, even forgoing sleep, just to immerse myself in who I used to be. I hope I'm still am, at least a little like the girl I used to be. Though I must admit, I'm slightly happier, slightly less depressed. And maybe it IS because I've grown up, after all, I already am in my early twenties when there was once a time I remembered, I never thought I'd outlive any of my friends, or even my elders. Ah, the old days.

Everything, well, almost everything has been going downhill since the 3rd of April. I have to admit I had some bout of fun between then and now, but most of it, most of the frustrating, excruciating, upsetting parts just, remain for so much longer. And for once, just this once, I hate the fact that my mind can recall everything with such clarity. The colours, the emotions, the little gestures, the words. The words are always the worse. It's bad enough that I have to listen to myself stumble through explaining my emotions, thoughts and feelings. But to have to go through that in what feels like real time feed? It makes me want to scream, want to hit myself for the inability to express myself and I can still feel my face heating up, my imaginary hand slapping myself in the face, I have it when everything goes wrong while all eyes are on me.

The worst study week I'd have to say would be last week. It was just the start of my revision and just the first day back and I was already ready as hell to get out. I'm not going to go into detail about what happened because, I'd just feel silly and I think, given the fact that I'm no longer angry and I probably couldn't stay angry for more than I had that day, there's no need to further expand on what had happened. Let's just say, I realized that I give more space to people I consider friends to make me feel like I'm worthless. Although, I don't know, maybe it's just me and my insecurities but, actions do speak louder than words and fleeting moments of feeling like you're being included, right?

And that shitting week, paved the way into the study week from hell. Monday thru Sunday of classes. Of course, not forgetting I have Tuesday AND Thursday free. Though I did have work on both of that days. But I love work, so I don't think it's counted as work. Anyway, I just ended the study week from hell. I must admit though, the ADUIT revision class did turn out to be much more useful than when it first started on Saturday. Okay, I'm going out on a limb here and say that I actually felt most of my classes was useful. Especially in pulling everything together. Sometimes, I wish they started with this big picture, before they started filling in the gaps for us. Although, I doubt that would be as an effective study method as what is being done now. Or maybe, just mayber, we need more lessons. Maybe twice a week? I'm sure that WILL cut into our slacking off school time but, I think I might feel better if I was more secure in knowing I'd be able to pass my exam rather than have free time to slack my life away during the school year? I don't know, I think it will be a tough proposal to put to semi adults who just want to have fun. I admit, I think I might have a hard time convincing myself to sign the petition as well. I spent the last two hours trying to wind myself down because I'm so keyed up about the exams that I was starting to try and recall everything I've learnt this year and realize that I could only recall half the things I've studied. Hence I've taken to watching cartoons to rest for a bit, and start tomorrow. Although I must hurry to bed otherwise I might have a problem getting up tomorrow. And that wouldn't be a good thing.

I think I may have screwed up a friendship with a close friend. (I'm just putting it out there.) I texted her the following day and she said it was okay. I think she meant it because, well, she's always been the kind of let things go, you know? But I don't know. I mean, I'd feel awful if my friend, a close friend, told me that she doesn't like my partner and that she doesn't trust him. And I don't know. I mean, I did something that I've tried so hard to stop myself from doing. Forming my own judgments based on the opinions of others and without actually meeting or getting to know the person first. I admit, maybe when your friend gets hurt, it's an automatic reaction to label everything that causes pain as evil, or bad. And I don't know. I mean, I am sorry but, I don't know if I'm able to erase my own judgment and get to know the person. I should, yes, but how often can we do what we should do? As of now, I've had two versions of the girl. Well, three including the one I've formed based on reading her blog. I mean, someone's blog, which they've kept up for quite a while, should at least tell us something about the blogger right? All three versions, don't even come close to one another. Well, two of them do (I'm not telling you which ones, obviously) and one of them just, sounds so far out although I can see how bits of that would come up in another version. I don't know if it is just my unwillingness to accept it or if it is my gut being a bitch and refusing to tell me that I'm right in my emotions instead of leaving me to fuss and worry about it until I'm losing sleep. I am obviously not talking to anyone else about this (aside from you, silent reader) because I don't know what to do. I understand that everyone else can only give me suggestions and the final action as to be taken by me. And well, the action I want to take, feels right and yet so wrong at the same time. And I strongly detest when situations like that happen. As of now, I'm just ignoring the problem because by constantly trying to think about the problem, it makes me want to be impulsive and just, cut everything loose. I'd lose the two people I love whom I don't really want to let go off, although there is one thing I have come to grips since all this started. Nothing is ever going to be the same again, or at least not in my near future.

It is just fifteen minutes past eleven. I should've been in bed by ten, so I would have fallen asleep at eleven. Yes, it takes me an hour to fall asleep. That is evidence of how active my mind is. It refuses to let me sleep, and when it does (if I'm not sufficiently tired) it'd conjuire up dreams to liven up my dream life. And his face still eludes me. I think, I don't think he is a person, per say. He's just, what I want in a guy. He knows the right things to say, the right things to do. I think it's silly to say that I'm falling in love with a fantasy, but I think that is about right. There are days I sit and think, and I don't think I'd ever be with anyone. Obviously because I'm such an idiot and have too high standards and that I don't think I'm ever good enough for anyone and my second guesses can send any boy/man running for the hills, not that it hasn't before. And obviously I'm off the deep end. I think I'd be happy on my own. Sure, some friends who I have been bugging the past few weeks may find me annoying after a while but, I'm sure I'll get better as time passes, ha!

I really should go to bed. I am determined to start studying tomorrow. My little countdown table is already saying I have less than a month until my first exam. ISORG. I sincerely hope I don't fail. So, I need to study, really study. No trying to fake my way through. I tried that in the prelim and I got a barely there mark. I need at least, I don't know, fifty? Well, enough talking about grades. Thank you for dropping by to read my ranting. I need to start writing again. I think that will have to take a back seat until after my exams. Until then.

Just a blink.

Wow. A blink of an eye and it's already the 3rd of April! Plenty of interesting things have happened since my last post. The most obvious would be celebrating April Fool's Day. I wouldn't call it a celebration although I think next year, it would be a most wonderful idea to actually have a party! I'll come up with just about anything to throw a party now. Aside from April Fool's Day, I fell again. No, I didn't fall in love, although that might've been a much more pleasant experience which might not necessarily end in pain. I fell down, on to the ground. Not even into someone else waiting arms! The only person or thing that came to meet me was the rough gravel ground and a few tiny rocks, which hurt. How many people can boost about causing pain just by coming to say hello?

Yes, my fall. I was rushing out of work, looking for my mother's vehicle and tripped on a baby stroller. Yes, a baby stroller. I mean, it's SO huge right? Especially those newer models which are more spacious and have plenty of compartments for the parents to put their stuff. Well, apparently my head was in the clouds and I tripped. Although I must say there were plenty of 'Thank God for small favours' incidents which were only thought of later, when I wasn't in pain. For example, the fact that the stroller didn't tip over when I ran into it. I say that because my legs actually got caught in the front wheels, hence I fell. It might have been even more disastrous if the stroller tipped because well, I don't really have to detail it out for you do I? Another example would be that, although I fell on rough ground (when there was enough smooth ground for me to fall on) it had to be a downward inclined slope. Yes, if you're trying to imagine what happened, let me tell you, it really wasn't a pretty sight. Though I don't think I actually flashed anyone, my skirt was pretty long that day. So, good thing it was downward sloping because that meant the first impact (on my legs anyway, cause I scrapped my palms too) was the upper part of my knee. Not the same part that has been scrapped off twice already. Although I'm stilling weighing the idea that because this has happened twice before (and hence I'm slightly, okay, I'll never get used to the pain) or because I've actually grown up and am in the twenties now (compared to when I was only in my teens the last two times I fell) that I actually handled the pain slightly better. I will admit that it still hurt like f**k and there was plenty of cursing when I was alone in my room, to deal with the pain. The scars of war are still here and they're purple. It's funny how the children at work keep asking me, 'did you spill ink on yourself?' Like, seriously? Who carries bottles of ink around nowadays? I mean, the ink all comes in pads or pens right? Anyway, it's a good excuse to scare the children into not running around outside but it always makes my cheeks red if anyone asks how I actually fell because I think, even as children, they know better than to think their teacher runs around at the lobby like a child high on energy. And a positive outcome from this could be that I've been wearing heels ever since I fell. No, it is not because i refused to give up my heels but I realized that since my knee had to be bent, I should wear heels so I can actually put pressure on it without looking like a bent over old time sailor! I must say my right feet has been complaining because sometimes it hurts to put too much pressure on just my right foot. Anyhow, the healing is coming off fine after I used the purple iodine that Father Khoo lent us. No, I will not be returning what I used, just the rest of it in the bottle.

It seems I've taken too long again because mummy is done with her chores and so I have to go out and have lunch. I think I will come back and blog again tonight before bed. There are some other stuff that I need to talk out because it's been giving me a headache. Until tonight, if you're interested in what goes on in the whacked out mind of mine!